Two-Minute Townhall


I’ve lived my life in the valleys, I’ve lived my life on the hills. I’ve lived my life on alcohol, I’ve lived my life on pills.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg: The problem with Woodrow Wilson is that he lacked the benefit of hindsight.

Shorter Kathleen Parker: If I play on your assumptions and conceal a couple of details, it would appear that an Arkansas bill to ban smoking by pregnant women is the ultimate Democratic hypocrisy, instead of a stalking horse to outlaw abortion.

Shorter Walter Williams: Historical figures who advanced competing theories to free-market economics were, on the whole, racists, and also quite haughty.

Shorter Jeff Emanuel: Although we are no doubt winning the Iraq War, treacherous human rights groups are trying to take all the joy out of it.

Shorter John Stossel: Smoking grass always makes me a little paranoid about The Man, who I imagine looks like Bill Clinton.

Shorter Tony Blankley: The discomfort felt by a prisoner during execution is of no more concern to me than (urp) the pain felt by a boiled lobster.

Shorter Michelle Malkin: It is truly outrageous that some librarians would politicize an event attended by the wife of the world’s most prominent politician.

Shorter Brent Bozell: Skipping out on a smidge of National Guard duty is no big deal at all, but reporting on it is – and that’s an act of hubris for which Dan Rather has barely begun to pay the price.

Shorter Ben Shapiro: A good grade point average should earn students the right to talk about whatever they want at a public school graduation, especially if it’s about God.

Shorter Herman Cain: As usual, Democrats want to raise gasoline prices and hand over what little money you’ve got left to illegal immigrants and people who are too lazy to find high-paying jobs.

Shorter Linda Chavez: We can’t be certain that criticism of the president hurts national security, but why take the chance?

Shorter Terence Jeffrey: Republicans wish to quickly and peacefully resolve sectarian violence in Iraq by offering amnesty to Sunni insurgents – unlike Democrats, who are hypocrites.


Comments: 12


But it’s called love! And it belongs to us! It’s called love! And it’s the only thing that’s worth living for!


Hey Ben Sharpie,
Would it have been okay if she talked about Allah or Vishnu or, my absolute favorite, Satan? (Cause I loves me some Satan!)


woo-hoo! new order quote!

as for the rest of these fucktards, I can’t….


Has Benny converted to fundamentalist Protestantism yet?


Having the New Order lyric up there is kinda like putting lipstick on a pig.

Then again, quoting a song called “Thieves Like Us” is pretty appropriate for a Townhall post….


I’ve never been able to decide: is it ‘Thieves, Like Us’ or ‘Thieves Like Us’ (as in ‘they really like us!’). Of course, if I didn’t have hours upon hours to ponder NO meanings, then I would consider this to be a trite and wasted life.

….. oh wait….


Marsupial – New Order named a number of their songs more-or-less at random (Many of the song titles on Low Life came from a comic book that one of the band members was thumbing through when they planned the album, for instance), and they picked TLU from the title of a 1974 Robert Altman crime/noir film (based on a 1950 book). Supposedly, there was a poster for the film hanging up in a room in the recording studio, and they just kind of liked the way it sounded.

Dunno if it’s Thieves, Like Us’ or ‘Thieves Like Us’ (as in ‘they really like us!’) – you’d have to read the book (or at least see the movie) to be sure – but it’s probably the first interpretation, given what I know about crime/noir stories.


i don’t like john stossel. he’s a smug asshole. but on the drug issue, he’s right.


Shit, I hate agreeing with John Stossel.


Yeah, it busts the formula on those rare occasions when I agree with the writer’s premise and their means of supporting it. I had an alternate for Stossel’s that cracked me up, but I was afraid it might be too obscure.

Shorter John Stossel (unreleased demo version): After we smoke this doob, can I call you “Higgy Baby”?


The shorter Linda Chavez was the one that cracked me up this time…not sure why. As always, well done! Two-Minute Townhall is one of my favorite Sadly, No! features. Well, that and poking sticks at wingnut trolls.


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