The Real Problem game, version II
At Sadly, No! Enterprises, we are nothing if not a blog of cheap gimmicks, predictable jokes, and gratuitous below the tits shots at Amber Pawlik. So it should come as no surprise that we are proud to introduce The Real Problem game, version 2. The earlier version, called The Real Scandal Pronouncement, involved disputing the importance of a serious issue (say blowing the cover of a CIA employee) while playing up a trivial and unrelated one (Joe Wilson’s political leanings.)
This new version is different, though somewhat similar, if by somewhat similar you mean pretty different. It was inspired, as so many great things are, by the woman alicublog called the “Crazy Jesus Lady,” Peggy Noonan. The new game asks that, in trying to identify the real problem with a given person or policy, you overlook the obvious and single out a non existing fault that no sane person would ascribe to said policy or individual. Sound complicated? Sadly, Yes! But see how Nooners does it in her article about President Bush’s interview with Tim Russert on Meet the Press. Does Bush suck at interviews? Yes. Does he mostly suck at giving speeches? Yes. Is it because he’s dumb? Is it because he has no clear policies besides war, tax cuts, war, war, madman, tax cuts, man + woman? Noonan’s argument boils down to:
The real problem with George W. Bush is that he’s too philosophical.
Now you see why Peggy Noonan is a professional writer, while you (and we) are not. It takes courage and dedication to come up with a diagnosis like that. Other qualifying entries for this game might include things such as:
You are invited to add your own suggestions in the comments. Chances are no prizes will be awarded, but we’ve been known to change our mind in the past.
Whatever happened to that “shrink wrapped copy of Go Simpsonic with The Simpsons” that you promised to the winner of the version 1 game? (not a very exciting prize, to be sure, since everyone with any sense already has a copy of that CD)
David Brooks: “Bush’s sin is that he has been too honest[.] . . . [Bush?s] administration has taken to honesty like a drunken sailor. It has made a fetish of candor and forthrightness.”
John Ashcroft’s problem is that he is far too concerned with protecting civil rights and respecting cultural differences.
Oh, that’s not nearly good enough, though. He’s such a ripe target.
Whatever happened to that “shrink wrapped copy of Go Simpsonic with The Simpsons” that you promised to the winner of the version 1 game?
Our judges are very close to making a final decision, though your comment certainly isn’t helping with your 27 entries.
Halliburton’s failure as a company is due to their lack of focus on the bottom line and unwillingness to exploit their connection to Dick Cheney.
The real problem with Alan Colmes is that he’s too aggressive.
The real problem with Donald Rumsfeld is that he’s too modest.
The real problem with Paul Wolfowitz is that he’s too broadminded.
The real problem with Colin Powell is that he’s too independent.
The reall problem with Dick Cheney is that he’s too light-hearted.
The real problem with George Bush is that he’s full of tinier men.
The real problem with Tim Russert’s interview style is that he spends too much time on follow up questions.
The real problem with Joe Lieberman’s campaign was that he was too antagonistic toward Bush’s policies.
The real problem with Michelle Malkin is that she’s too sane and coherent for your puny mind to grasp.
The real problem with the President’s budget it its no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners, gritty and cinema verite-like approach to our nation’s finances.
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Hmmm, you managed to combine irrelevance and not understanding the rules of the game. Let’s sign you up for a special Meet the Press with Tim Russert.
The real problem with Bush’s AWOL service record is that it hurts Kerry.
(credit: Time magazine)
The real problem with Bush’s MTP appearance is that he was too hungover to evade the questions better.
The real problem with Scott Ritter is he’s never said anything that can be verified by an on-the-ground inspection.
The real problem with divorced and remarried men proposing a sanctity of marriage amendment is that they skipped church last Sunday.
The real problem with Bush’s service with the Texas Air National Guard is that he was flying missions so secret that the records self-destructed in 10 seconds, like at the start of “Mission Impossible.”
The real problem with Scott Ritter is that he’s no longer saying what some people want him to say, and so his many personality problems are no longer acceptable to the right.
Sorry, that IS the real problem with Scott Ritter. I’ll try harder to come up with something silly for my next entry.
The real problem with George Bush is that he’s a five-dimensional being, and we puny mortals can only perceive him in three dimensions.
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
What does “lawdy” mean?
What does “lawdy” mean?
It’s how a Southern Jerry Lewis-impersonator says “lady.” (“Hey, nice lawdy!”)
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?Good lawdy lawdy: what are you Bush haters gonna do with the fact that Scott Ritter seems to dig underage pussy?
Well, I’m certainly glad that the courageous [blank] has so forcefully brought Scott Ritter’s alleged underaged pussy problem to our attention.
The real problem with Amber is that she is too compansionate in regards to lesbians.
The real problem with the anonymous guy who has been pointing out Ritter’s problems is that he is too afraid to use the rhetorical trick of repetition.
The real problem with Haliburton was excessive government regulation.
The real problem with the economy is that tax cuts weren’t made permanent.
The real problem with a microsecond flash of Janet Jackson’s nipple jewelry is that the whole world was watching the Super Bowl.
The real probem with the Plame Affair is that it’s too complicated.
There is no problem with a war based on lies because the Government, like in 1984, controls all the news and the history books.
The real problem with Colin Powell is that he’s too courageous and isn’t willing to say whatever the Administration tells him to say.
The real problem with the neocons is that they’re unwilling to manipulate intelligence to achieve their goals.
The real problem with George W. Bush is that he’s too concerned about the poor.
The real problem with Condoleezza Rice is that she’s too capable and honest.
The real problem with Tom DeLay is that he’s too principled.
The real problem with Amber Pawlik is that she’s too logical. Ditto with Glenn Reynolds.
The real problem with Sadly, No! is that it never makes fun of conservatives.
The real problem with Ben Shapiro and Kyle Williams is that they spend too much time getting laid.
The real problem with Janet Jackson’s right breast is that not enough attention has been paid to it.
The real problem with Frank Zappa is that he gave his kids names that were too conventional.
The real problem with George W. Bush is that he reads too much.
The real problem with George W. Bush is that he pays too much attention to the lessons of the past.
The real problem with George W. Bush is that he’s such a fiscal conservative.
The real problem with George W. Bush is that he spends too much time worrying what other nations think.
The real problem with S.Z. is that she doesn’t make enough typos. Same with Kos of Daily Kos.
The real problem with me is that I don’t spend enough time on the Internet.
The real problem with saying “Good lawdy” is that it makes you seem more sophisticated and intelligent than everybody else.
The real problem with referring to “pussy” is that it makes you sound like one of those shrill, feminist types who want to convert all women to lesbians.
It’s not that Pres. Bush is allowing evangelical Christians to run the country, basing policy on the unerring truth of the Bible. The real problem is that the Democrats are unbelievers, happily in league with Jesus’ murderers, who want all our children to be homos. ….I know I bent the rules a bit; but the real problem is, I don’t care.
Granted, Bush economic policies are steering us toward a meltdown; but the real problem is the lack of workers to do all the jobs that Americans don’t want.
The real problem with [blank] is that his criticisms of the anti-Bush forces are too spot-on relevant and hit too close to home for them to take.
The real problem with Perle and Frum is that their innate modesty makes them far too timid about using America’s military power.
Sure, Scott Ritter might like underage pussy, but the real problem is that little kitties are just SOOO cute.
Sure, we may seem like bush-haters, but the real problem is that people just don’t understand that there are so many more options for tasteful yard decoration.
And don’t even get me started talking about the problem of violins in America.
Sure, Scott Ritter might like underage pussy, but the real problem is that little kitties are just SOOO cute.
Good point, Steeve. We have a calico who is about a year old, and she is one cute pussy.
The real problem with Steve is his obsessive desire to have Scott Ritter’s babies. Wait, that can only be true if he’s not an overage one.
The real problem with Rush Limbaugh is he always underweights my buys.
The real problem with massmedia pundits is that penicillin won’t cure what they give ya.
The real problem with John Ashcroft is his secular humanism made him a titman’s titman.
The real problem with The Arnold is the steroids damaged his heart but helped him become a master thespian, one step above Gary Coleman.
The real problem with George Bush, is his fleunt wasy with you know I never bring it on what does it matter the Egnlihs languages grave and gathiner trheat.
Yes, Bush Jr. seems like a dork, but the real problem is that pretzels are just so darn difficult to eat.
Yes, Bush Sr. seems like a dork, but who hasn’t thrown up on an Asian Head of State?
The real problem with Churchill was that he wasn’t enough like George W. Bush.
Sure, Andrew Sullivan seems like a self-important gasbag who doesn’t know his ass from a hairy hole in the ground, but the real problem is that he didn’t hear the bell going off, telling him his 15 minutes of fame were over.
Yup, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell seem to be obsessed with homosexuality, but the real problem is that their mothers wouldn’t let them suck each other’s dick.
The real problem with George Bush is that at heart he’s an apolitical, secular, egalitarian, consensus-building, multilateralist.
The real problem with Paul Wolfowitz is that he got what he wished for.
The real problem with Colin Powell is that he turned down the “Mail Call” History Channel gig.
The real problem with Ahmed Chalabi is that he always finds the weakest link.
The real problem with John Ashcroft is that the job for Witchsmeller Pursuivant was already filled. (Helps if you’re a “Blackadder” fan for this one.)
The real problem with George is he’s too liberal.
This reminds me of the game they play on “The McLaughlin Group” and “Inside Washington” where John McLaughlin or Gordon Peterson asks a question and the pundits all begin their replies with “…but the real question here is…” and then wander off into their own version of reality, but I think the McLaughlin Group version is the best because John McLaughlin looks like he is going to explode on air some day because he doesn’t understand the rules of the game and keeps trying to draw the pundits back on topic.
The real problem with George W. Bush is that every time he does a Meet The Press interview, he is painfully honest, and doesn’t seem at all like an 8-year old kid trying to avoid telling his parents he set the back yard on fire.