A Load of Laughing Boy
Doop-doop-doop, readin’ the Internet. Hey, what’s this?
Harold Witkov, American Thinker
What I Will Do If ObamaCare Passes
Wow. See, when they talk about that Superstring theory, this is what they’re talking about. If you imagine timespace as a finite yet boundless corridor in one of those Czech-produced Tom and Jerry cartoons from the early ’60s with the hep jazz and the tape echo sound effects and so forth, then reading American Thinker is like the phenomenon that occurs when you’re chasing a mouse out one door and through another at an increasing rate of speed, back and forth across the corridor with increasing motion blur and more frenzied slamming sounds, until you stop halfway through a doorway, blinking your eyes in synchrony with a marimba cue, and regard your own butt sticking through an opposite door, waggling at you in synchrony with a ‘who, me?’ cue played on a viola.
One such butt is Harold Witkov, right-wing humorist.
I have done everything I could to help prevent ObamaCare. I have signed petitions, written letters to my representatives, and penned various articles for American Thinker. Still, I have a growing fear that ObamaCare might happen,
Because this is the funny thing: We have done everything we could to help pass health care reform! We have signed comedy names on anti-ObamaCare petitions,1 written not only letters but words, and not words solely, but rude words furnished with loud punctuation, to ours but mostly other people’s representatives, and panned articles at American Thinker. In this we have proceeded further, having upon them also punned2 — nicht war, Wutkopf?3 Still, we have an exactly opposite growing fear to Witkopf’s that health care reform might happen due to his perverse and dumb efforts, wasting the effort of our well-conceived and smart ones.
so I decided that it would be wise to have a “Plan B” for myself just in case.
Or worst of all, that health care reform will both happen, rewarding his fear, and be so compromised as to suck at reforming health care, punishing our hope. So we decided that it would be wise to have a “Plan B” for Witkopf just in case.
As I see it, coverage for an additional thirty million Americans is going to mean an eventual shortage of doctors and care. Despite what President Obama, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi tell us, ObamaCare is going to result in the rationing of health care. When that happens, I want to be ready.
He’s going to medical school!
Nope, that would be an attempt to make something better, and conservatives are driven by an urge toward gleeful worsening. Their notion of the requited life, their ‘passion’ not just in the word’s recent sense of pastimes and desired things, but rising on occasions near to the Shelleyan heights of the classically passionate, is to be forever incited to throw their hat on the ground and stomp on it, cursing in rack-frap phonetics.
Yes, this Plan B must start with the premise that an additional thirty million Americans will have access to medical care, and will end up with a scheme to sell people’s organs on eBay, or with the figure of C. Everett Koop bent under a hail of rocks like in Shirley Jackson’s ‘The Lottery.’ It would make sense if hospitals were dynamited, if plague corpses were trebucheted through the windows of office skyscrapers. This should end with Duane Jones shot by the rescuers and his body burning on a pyre of zombies. Because that would show them, and there you see what happens when the rat hat frack-a-sack of all the [stomp-stomp] frab-jappin’, shig-wappin’ fad apps that ever [jumpity-stompity] crab-jacked a wag-‘n’-fap shack.4
Bad-gum librul hat frackers. Fracked my hat, lookit it.
Here are my top four “Plan B” safety-valve ideas if ObamaCare passes:
Or worst of all, ours up there will be funnier.
1. I am going to buy the book by that guy I see on TV all the time, author Kevin Trudeau. His Natural Cures They Don’t Want You To Know About will be looking pretty good by the time health care rationing starts. In fact, I think that there are a lot of good books like his out there. I am going to purchase them all. I am going to buy a new bookshelf and fill every shelf with natural cure books. If I die before I read them all, I will have my wife sell them on eBay. I am sure she will get a good price for them once ObamaCare kicks in.
If health reform passes, I am going to blindly support fraud and quackery. Har-har, I’m buying all the quack books, see? Help, ack, look how dumb you’re making me be. Hitting self on head with shovel, dancing jig in dog poo.
When someone mentions buying a whole new bookshelf as part of a way-out, full-tilt 180-degree rampage of sarcastic self-victimization, the impression I’m given is that their storage problems are the opposite of mine. I always seem to have room in my heart for a stranger’s hard luck, but seldom live fewer than three shelves to the wind — meaning that if I went to Ikea right now and got three Snåljåps in white birch laminate, or even said slicka mina nötter, oändlighet and splurged on three of their distressed bubinga Sluthögs, with the bookshelf lights on them whose utility I’ve never clearly seen, as soon as I Allen-keyed them together and shoveled their maws full, I would be already setting books on fire to keep from buying shelves.
That’s sort of an allegory. ‘Shelves’ is health care reform, and ‘setting books on fire’ is like those 30 million Americans.
2. I am going to sign up for self-hypnosis workshops and order self-hypnosis CDs. While perusing the internet, I discovered that there is a whole other world of health care beyond the conventional.
Surprisingly, this wasn’t mentioned in any of the natural cure books.
If I am going to be subjected to health care rationing, I may as well give self-hypnosis a chance.
Hello, self. I just want to warn you — I can’t be hyp[snap]WTF, how is it Tuesday already? Why am I mailing all these tea bags to[snap]zzz.
3. I am going to get out my old Q-Ray Bracelet and put it on. It never did help my herniated disc pain one darn bit, but it’s not doing me any good sitting in my underwear drawer.
Unless that magnetized underwear has been staving off chronic crotch and butt pain.
Wait, a Q-Ray Bracelet? Yeah, ho-ho, alternative medicine, guffaw. Let me go into my underwear drawer and dig out that old glow-in-the-dark plastic spider that I bought for eighty bucks because they said its bite would turn me into Spider Man.
This time, I am wearing it ’til I die. If that happens sooner than later, I bet my wife can get a good price on eBay for that, too, once ObamaCare starts.
There’s definitely a joke in that refrain, but what is it? Quackery -> die -> wife -> eBay. Quackery -> die -> wife -> eBay. Damn it, what’s the jokey part?
This actually annoys me. I’m a humorist, if I’m any kind of one at all, who takes risks. I’m adapted as it were to a high-stakes win/fail environment. Seriously, is the funny thing selling stuff on eBay?
If so, and also not unseriously, shouldn’t we now be experiencing this like a sighting of the wife-buys-startling-hat cartoon, circa like 1982?
4. I plan to find myself a top-of-the-line faith healer. I am talking bona fide, not like that charlatan who worked on Andy Kaufman.
A charlatan indeed, if Andy Kaufman were dead.
If you’re talking bona fide, this guy heals people in fast-motion to ‘Yakety Sax,’ or maybe I’m not even paying attention.
There is a safety-valve idea “#5” I am considering should ObamaCare pass, but it is kind of humiliating, and I would need the help of my wife.
If you’re talking boner ride, the two words every man needs to learn are ‘Yakety’ and ‘Sax’
I start by ordering an adult Clifford the Big Red Dog Halloween costume (I saw them for sale on Amazon). My wife brings me into the local veterinarian on all fours with a leash around my neck. She provides the vet with my stool and urine samples and explains, “This is my big red dog, Clifford. I would like him examined thoroughly. You are welcome to draw his blood and take X-rays, but he is not to receive any rabies or distemper shots. If I have to leave him, that is fine, but under no circumstances should he be neutered.”
This could only be improved by Harold waving at the veterinarian and saying, “Hi, I’m Clifford the Big Red Dog.”
That, plus it’s missing a fire hydrant joke. And someone has to say that things are “going to the dogs,” and someone has to exclaim, “It’s a dog’s life!” But hey, as soon as you say “urine samples,” we’re talking right-wing comedy Goldwater.
Exercise left to the reader: Recalcitrant Democrats are known as ‘Blue Dogs.’ Adult costumes are available of Blue, the dog on Blue’s Clues.
Speaking of canines, I recently found out that there is private health insurance coverage for pets available. Imagine that: Dogs and cats can get private coverage, but under ObamaCare, citizens will one day lose that option. On the other hand, our pets and their owners will one day have something in common which they never had before if ObamaCare passes: death panels.
Aha. Before, the dog-costume idea ended like this:
I start by ordering an adult Clifford the Big Red Dog Halloween costume (I saw them for sale on Amazon). My wife brings me into the local veterinarian on all fours with a leash around my neck. She provides the vet with my stool and urine samples and explains, “This is my big red dog, Clifford. I would like him examined thoroughly. You are welcome to draw his blood and take X-rays, but he is not to receive any rabies or distemper shots. If I have to leave him, that is fine, but under no circumstances should he be neutered.” And then, having unloaded the responsibility for a punch line onto the veterinarian, we just stand there. He stands there looking at us, and we look at him and stand there. “Hi,” I say, waving. “I’m Clifford the Big Red Dog.” We’re standing there when this happens, and as we do this, a lonely train whistle sounds in the distance. I wave my floppy red paw. My wife sobs; a wind sighs through the pines.
Now I hear ‘death panels,’ and I’m seeing an ending. “Oh my God,” says the wife holding the leash and an empty collar. “I forgot to explicitly say no euthanasia death panels!” Oh my God, it was just a prank!
“It’s a dog’s life,” confides a whitely gaseous Harold, waving his paw and stepping on a whitely gaseous escalator. His wife leaves to hit eBay, and a sign is revealed: TO DOG HEAVN DOG FUD NO BAD DOGS.
I sure hope and pray that Obamacare fails. But now that I have some “Plan B” safety-valve ideas, I am feeling much better should Obamacare come to pass. I do hope that others will make use of some of my ideas. I am sure we can get through this if we all pull together.
Pull my finger.
1
Laura Lynn Hardy, C. Wrong Mills, Aretha A. Spinosa, Bertha Tragedy, Jeanie à la Gia Moráles, Hugh Minault, Thieu-Ho Minh, Al Zosprak, Sara Thustra, Jens Eitsvongut and Lord Alfred “Bosie” Douglas, Gyaltsen Demo Rong, Twyla d’Aïe Dölz, Darren Teague Rice, Iggy Homo, DeWilt Tappauer, etc.
2
These words should correctly be pronounced — i.e. ‘may be momentarily amusing if pronounced,’ but these shadings of meaning were more appropriate to our grandparents’ age of analogy than to our age of digitality, with their numbers carried to a fire in buckets while ours are sprayed from technology — uh, correctly pronounced like the word pwned, in the manner of Buster Keaton standing in warm ocean water, which is to say with a silent ‘p.’
We have ‘oanned’ various articles at American Thinker, and further have ‘ounned.’ Because as Tom Lehrer told us, “A thing you’ve ‘pawned’ becomes ‘owned’ instantly, If you just add…” Ah yes, there it goes. The moment of amusement has gone. Memes, being digital, are fleeting, and this goes not zero, but one plus one or even binary 10 times for the hehe, or humor meme, and the eem and/or ime, or e- and/or i-meme, meaning not twice for each thing, but one time per category, totaling two times in, you know, because binary 2 is written as ’10,’ and ‘silent e,’ and it all gets tied up at the end up with something about Tom Lehrer being a mathematician, or so I imagine.
Uh, e-meme. With the, uh, ‘e-‘ prefix being a general descriptor (different from ‘i-‘ such that ‘e-technology’ includes Internet- or ‘i-technology’ in addition to non-i items such as Internet phones, while excluding the merely electronic, such as computer architecture) for things that are futuristic, i.e. that are from the mid-late ’90s with design cues from the early-mid ’60s. Dispelled of such fumes, or futurist memes, the future is a… Ah yes, there it goes. The moment of amusement has gone.
It was a mome, anyway. The mome is a kind of meme that’s like a fleem, only less fleeting and more momentary, if the clear distinction between these words stands up to the test of yawn, oh I guess not. Yay, porn. Nom-nom, snacks.
No, what’s this paper here with the writing on it? “End it mathematician T. Lehrer.” This appears to be hate mail from Tom Lehrer to Lobachevsky. Oh, oh, it’s a Sitting Pwnadocker. Those are things worth auctioning, and they go down in what I call the Down Docks, in the box marked eBay.
Huh? The box is missing? Says it’s been moved to the Updock? No, no, crap, wait. [dials phone]
Hey, Jerry — what Updock? Hey, Jerry — what Updock? It’s shipped out with a form called a Wang 4? Packed in some snoo? Hey, hey, [dialing phone]
Hello, Martin? Buddy, where’s my pawn box? No, pawn, as in ‘pawn shop.’ Right. No, Martin, it was a tapas bar, tapas. Yeah, very funny. No, just the one box is missing. Yeah, written right on it in Magic Marker: “Sitting Ownadocker: eBay.” [hangs up] Wasting time… [dials phone]
Hey Artie, look, if there’s paperwork here that says Owatana: Siam, then what’s a Wang 4? You get one after you fill out a full set of Ward’s 4? Hi. Artie. Do you hear me? [hangs up] Do you care? [dials] Wendy, look, hi. What are Ward’s 4? Wen, no one listens anymore. Wen, no one listens; there’s no use talking at all. [hangs up, dials]
Sheldon, hi, trouble, yeah. Me with the pawn docks. ‘Docks,’ not ‘dogs.’ ‘Pawn’ p-a-w-n! Down in the pawn docks! Down in the pawn docks! Yeah, people put me down ’cause that’s the side of town I was born in. Right, you too. [hangs up] “Have a gooin’?” [dials]
Hell’s that supposed to mean, have a gooing? Have a goo-on! Hi, uh, Rachel, hi, you just called me and the, uh, phone picked up. No, I was just going to call you, but I didn’t actually dial. And the phone just picked up on its own, so…? Oh, he’s taking an hour off your pay. Yeah, it’s like what hicks do. ‘Bye. [hangs up, dials] So they’re docking… Martin? Hi, Hickory Dick, the dock is rocking my cock, equals rooster, uh, pop goes the goo on the weasel. Hello? [hangs up]
Holy jeez, cracking up. Get ahold of myself. [turns radio on, indistinct pop music] [phone rings]
Martin? Not me, I was standing over here when that happened. What’s up since earlier? No, it was a kid who ran off. I was standing over here by the radio when he did that. Look, one question: What’s snoo? No, I don’t have any amatta — what’s amatta? No, Martin, I don’t have a cluepal — you can be my cluepal. You can get a lifejack and I’ll borrow yours. Look, I don’t know what’s… A load of Laughing Boy over here? Marty, we don’t have huge inventory on detergents right now. I’ve been sitting ’til the evening comes watching the Tide roll away, wasting time, and frankly it seems like nothing’s gonna change, that everything still remains the same. Bottom line is, I can’t do what ten people tell me to do, so I guess… What’s that? How do you greet a who? A native what?
“How do you greet a Native American,” Martin, as in one or more are currently outside your office waiting for their presence there to be recognized? Okay, so do you mean hypothetically? As in, what you’re asking is, “Hey, what’s the standard etiquette of greeting a Native American if tribal affiliation and customs are uncertain?” Or are you asking with a specific tribe in mind, and if so could you identify them?
No, okay, wait. When you ask, “How do you greet a Native American?” are you asking me this question: “Cough-cough. Hi, I’m Marty, and I’ve got sweat stains under my arms. Hock-ptui. I’m wondering what greeting is considered best-practice for an idealized Native American Indian of no definite affiliation, hypothetically speaking?” Or are you asking this question: “Om-nom, eatin’ a sandwich, Marty here. How does youse greet a Native Indian, I mean not, you know…” and here you’re doing a pantomime of having six arms and you’re tapping your index finger on the middle of your forehead. No, that’s what you’re doing. “If you’re introduced to a Native of the Indian persuasion, I mean not, you know…” and here you’re pantomiming playing a flute with a snake coming out of an assumed basket and writhing back and forth. I’m seeing it as a snake despite the universal hand movements of ‘woman.’ You know what I’m saying. Okay, Marty, sure.
Okay, Marty, sure. Okay, Marty, I give up. How do you greet a Native American? I give up, Marty — How?
What? What’s all the laughing? Is this on speakerphone?
My grafitti tag used to be TYOP, pronounced like it’s spell…whoah-whoah-wait, pronounced ‘typo,’ dammit, sheez, heh-heh, woo. Then briefly it was TYO, because notice there’s no P in it, please keep it that way. Then of course it’s a whole big thing with Tasers when all I was doing was urinating over the glass divider in the olice station, but I got off with robation because the logic was unimpeachable. I’m not currently doing graffiti because my current street name is LaCuÑa, and I mostly erase letters in other people’s tags. La Cuña means The Wedge in Spanish, and you’d think a nice bilingual pun like that would inspire some respect around here, but no, the next thing you find out literally over your bowl of cereal that Wednesday morning is that there’s some kid calling himself LaCuñita, or The Wedgie, going around putting the letters back into people’s tags. I’m just like, “What is this, a segment of The Electric Company?” And of course everybody’s all laughing and passing on to each other that I said that, as if it was the punchline I’d been striving to achieve this whole time. “Oh, don’t mind me,” I said. “I’m gonna go out and paint a 3 on a bald guy’s head, oh wait, this episode is brought to you by the number lick-my-nuts-infinity,” when actually I’d already changed my name and hence my game to LaKuhna, redirecting the metaphor toward Thomas Kuhn’s The Structure of Scientific Revolutions and envisioning the tag -(2*10¢)-> to connote a paradigm shift.
See, life on the streets is about change, and connect that pun to the last while you’re at it. That’s what I mean: I think my next tag will be NO L, pronounced like it looks because there’s no Ë. My name might be Pvt. Ives, and you may ask, “Private Ives? ‘Zat like St. Ives malt liquor or sump’m?” And I may reply, shaking my fist, “It’s got no L, coward.” I mean, you have to stay ahead of them or else they start to catch up to you. There was already this guy last month called DJ Salinger who had two chicks on the mic he called Franny an’ Zooey, and I went up to him testing his game like, “Looks like your girl Zoë found a cure for chronic diaresis,” and he comes right back with, “Hey, you can diacritic or live an artist,” and I’m like, goddamn, I hope he had that one stored up.
My next name will be LaConic, and it’ll be all about the precise one-liner. The tag ought to be 1/3 ∏ r^2 h or a picture of a cone. Then I’ma sit here and wait for some Spanish guy to call himself LaCuba and tag himself a^3 with one of those hokey pictures of a cube you make by drawing two squares. You just have to stay in front, is all.
The number, lick-my-nuts-infinity, is equal to whatever number you just said, plus infinity. Then because someone could just be like, “Oh yeah? What I said plus a double infinity,” you add one of those compound infinities like the number of positive integers from one to infinity plus also the number of fractional expressions from 0 + 1/∞ to ∞ – 1/∞, times n, where n = this nut right here, oh wait also this other one over here, so that would be two, two nuts [thunder] ah-hah-hah-haaa [thunder, sound of fluttering bats].
And that’s times two, because then there’s the negative integers and a corresponding nuthole in timespace that appears to us as a two-dimensional shape like the old side-8 infinity symbol, that you can stick your nuts in, aright, and even with your nuts down in there, there’s still a total of zero nuts stuck in it. I’m not saying I couldn’t make this up, or that I wouldn’t make this up, but I’m saying that I didn’t have to. It’s the kind of trouble a mathematician deals with every day, getting their heads stuck in Klein bottles and whatnot, trying to all be ambassadors for high-functional autism, then when the wives try to put together a luncheon, they just head straight into the kitchen with their plates and the bowl of dip, and start yelling into each other’s faces about which is bluer, the number 7 or the key of D major.
Yeah, and then when you take your nuts out of it, the weird part is that your nutsack appears to the people in the vastly broad but depthless 2D space that divides our universe from the reverso-nutrageous universe to be a hairy figure-eight shape that grows, becomes more smoothly rounded, then splits into two unconnected, irregular circular shapes which get smaller in kind of a rough unison with each other, speeding up and slowing down together almost as if they were still somehow physically connected, with hair filaments appearing and disappearing radially around each, until they just shrink into nothing and disappear, leaving no trace that they ever existed.
That’s not even the weird part. The real weird thing is that if you’re one of the millions of people who’ve experienced some kind of religious or paranormal phenomenon, consider that what you witnessed might have been some higher-dimensional guy dipping his nuts through the flat side of our universe and into the higher-negative-dimensional one on the opposite side. What would some nine-dimensional guy’s ball sack look like in three-space?
See, the moment you start to think about it seriously, it starts to get eerie in a physics way, doesn’t it? You have to stay in front of these kinds of things, is what I’m trying to tell you.
n
The number, lick-my-nuts-infinity, is expressed symbolically as above, in the superscript text that sequences the prior footnote. But a more consistent approach to the sequential numbering of footnotes would place it always below whatever number of a footnote you would have just said, like a bibliographic nightmare from which a hollow-eyed Borges might shudder awake.
It would be something about a library whose volumes are catalogued according to strict rules of sequence, where this must be the very last footnote to appear in the last volume on the lowest shelf at the farthest distance from the infinite-volume set with nothing in it but a minus sign and infinite pages of ∞^∞^∞^, and so on. And yet, in saying lick-my-nuts-infinity, the librarian in effect resets the equation so that it is greater than itself, making it necessary to shelve another new copy of the volume behind the current one.
This wouldn’t bother Borges yet. What would get to him after a number of lick-my-nuts-infinities would be the problem: Is it necessary to shelve these physically identical, indeed indistinguishable volumes one behind the next in the chronological sequence in which they became logically necessary, and therefore appeared? That is, is it necessary to file them from from oldest to most recent because the values of the footnote numbers in them are determined and also ascending? Or can they instead be shelved in the uncertain order they’ve ended up in, because okay, you know, physically identical. Like, doop-de-doop, filin’ books, w00t, finished. Who would ever know?
Indeed, who? Borges thinks. And yet, the record of the past that creates, nay constitutes and mathematically determines this ever-advancing sliver of the present in which we ride, so often as though with our noses pressed to the wavy and unclear glass behind, or to the more darkly opaque glass ahead, so often seeing little of where we are, and all that sort of thing… Because of this, thinks Borges, is it not true that the very fact that one volume came before the next in time, that is to say, is it not true that the fact that the past is objectively real and its effects persistent, and that to the converse, it is only our perceptions of the past that are incomplete and fleeting, and must it not therefore be the case that the volumes are entirely distinct to Nature and in the mind of God — i.e. in the Great Card Catalog and in the texts it locates and orders? In short, mustn’t we give greater authority to time than to mere matter alone?
Because oh shit, thinks Borges — i.e. Man as an imperfect vessel for the divine — if God finds out I’ve been misfiling stuff in him, I am so screwed.
Or no, he then thinks. If I put things out of order into God’s mind, how will he even know?
“I heard that, Borges!” sounds a booming voice from the front lobby.
3
The surname Witkov is a Russian rendering of the German Witzkopf, literally ‘clever head,’ suggesting either that there was a smart person somewhere among Mr. Witkov’s progenitors, or that a fulcrum of irony was found in the noun, der Witz, which in a display of that subtly opaque Germanness that often accrues to German things, also means ‘a joke.’ Wutkopf, above, substitutes the noun, die Wut, and means ‘rage head.’ If for Russo-Germanic symmetry Wutzkopf is preferable, it means ‘swine head.’
Son, I am disappoint.
I wish I could understand these people. Stupid? Evil? Racist? All the above?
Sheesh.
Well, boy howdy, that there is one smart feller who’s gonna have the last laugh on YOU assholes!
Why don’t they just spite the nightmare hell of the Obama healthcare system by going Galt on it and leaving it to the rest of us?
She provides the vet with my stool and urine samples and explains, “This is my big red dog, Clifford. I would like him examined thoroughly. You are welcome to draw his blood and take X-rays, but he is not to receive any rabies or distemper shots. If I have to leave him, that is fine, but under no circumstances should he be neutered put to sleep.”
Fixed.
HOLYCRAP! Gavin, you constipated? You can let it all go in smaller posts more frequently! Up your fibre content!
Damn you to hell, WordPress. When I put in the strike tags, I damn sure expect you to display the strikes.
(PS another Gavin masterpiece. It’s Pynchonian. Or Pynchonesque).
As I see it, coverage for an additional thirty million Americans is going to mean an eventual shortage of doctors and care.
Because, you know, with access to doctors, more people will automatically get sick. KILL THE DOCTORS! SAVE THE NATION FROM A PANDEMIC!
I am going to sign up for self-hypnosis workshops and order self-hypnosis CDs.
Gav, you’ve just opened my eyes! I’m going to make a self-hypnosis CD that plants the suggestion to buy ALL my self-hypnosis CDs! I’ll be rich! RICH! And I’ll be able to retire to a Caribbean island with a gaggle of private
masseusesphysicians!I am considering should ObamaCare pass, but it is kind of humiliating, and I would need the help of my wife.
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that!
On the other hand, our pets and their owners will one day have something in common which they never had before if ObamaCare passes: death panels.
My cat has already penned his living will and healthcare proxy, in the event Obamapet (is that like Chia Obama?) passes the House, Senate, and the Ceiling Cat.
What happened to shorter. Seriously.
#6: You can get Plan B without a prescription now. Just saying…
Wait, so his first four ideas are to be like a DFH and his fifth is to be a furry?
which they never had before if ObamaCare passes: death panels.
Yeah, because nobody at the insurance companies is figuring out what they will and won’t cover.
…throw their hat on the ground and stomp on it, cursing in rack-frap phonetics.
Don’t forget the grrrrrring.
Obamacare looks like an even better idea if it can get professional help for chronic special needs sociopaths like Harold. “Ha-ha! Yes, Harold, that’s very funny, dressing like a dog and putting your quack books on eBay! Now come with these nice men…”
Narcissistic nerd rage is a go!
<golfclap>
The standing ovation will probably start after a sixth, seventh or lick-my-nuts-infinity-th reading. I do have one comment to add at this time:
My right one hangs lower.
William Shatner
This sounds less like “Star Trek,” and more like an episode of that great Gerry Anderson Supermarionation puppet show “The Blunderbirds”.
Laura Lynn Hardy, C. Wrong Mills, Aretha A. Spinosa, Bertha Tragedy, Jeanie à la Gia Moráles, Hugh Minault, Thieu-Ho Minh, Al Zosprak, Sara Thustra, Jens Eitsvongut and Lord Alfred “Bosie” Douglas, Gyaltsen Demo Rong, Twyla d’Aïe Dölz, Darren Teague Rice, Iggy Homo, DeWilt Tappauer
Dick Hertz? Who’s Dick Hertz?
Let’s see…there are 300 million americans(approx), and there will be thirty million more covered by HCR, and that will cover 95% of the total population…carry the four…so 255 million are covered now, 285 will be covered, with 15 million remaining uncovered. so 30/255 = 12% additional patients for the healthcare system spread out over the next few years. This schmuck claims he’ll be forced to the vetrenarian because physicians will have 12% more patients. I know what my vet would say if some furry came in for swollen glands treatment, “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!”
“Why don’t they just spite the nightmare hell of the Obama healthcare system by going Galt on it and leaving it to the rest of us?”
Because they are Waiting for Galtot.
Because they are Waiting for Galtot.
*tearing up stand up routine notes*
That was going to be the punchline to a fifteen minute walk thru the right wing…
Dear Penthouse Forum,
Long time reader, first time writer. I’m writing to thank you for your great letters and stories since sharing them with my wife has expanded our horizons and helped make my all time number one fantasy come true.
Yours obediently,
Q-Ray Cockring
DKW,
You forgot the “I never thought I’d write to Penthouse Forum, but something happened to me that I had to share”
Not that I’d, you know, know anything about that or what their style guide for 2010 says about blockquoting….
Dogs and cats can get private coverage, but under ObamaCare, citizens will one day lose that option.
Wait a minute. Is this the crux of wingnuts’ objections to HCR? That Americans will have lost their God-given right to purchase individual health insurance policies?
Of course that’s a total misrepresentation of the bill, but, seriously – is this what this guy really thinks is the problem here? That we will be unable to purchase the most expensive and most inadequate health insurance coverage?
Or is it that Americans will have lost their God-given right to be denied the ability to purchase the most expensive and most inadequate health insurance coverage?
What, I didn’t write nuthin’. That’s a scan of page 37 of the November 1983 edit.. um… I mean yeah, I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
So this clown wants to deny 30 million people access to health care to avoid rationing?
Isn’t that rationing?
Not that I’d, you know, know anything about that or what their style guide for 2010 says about blockquoting….
The Traditions! We must be aware of them ALL!
When I buy books, it’s often out of a sense of ressentiment, and the amount I buy is based on a set space that I wish to fill up in order to display my seriousness. I mean, who would really read so many books? You’d have to be pissed, or a lawyer. I have a collection of the finest leather-bound books for the purposes of anger-decoration. And maybe reading if I feel like it.
Of course that’s a total misrepresentation of the bill…
Par for the course. Also inherently self-refuting, too. Also.
Postulate: HCR is BAD! It’s got government take-overs of the insurance thingies which means an end to private coverage and death panels.
Proof: Look at pet-care. It’s all private insurance right now and it’s got death panels.
PENIS: Look, don’t be shoving that thing down my throat – at least not without buying me a drink first. (and I mean that totes heterosexually.)
This schmuck claims he’ll be forced to the vetrenarian because physicians will have 12% more patients.
Yes, and the fact that more people will be able to have 10 minute office visits once every six months to get prescriptions to control their blood pressure will completely overwhelm the system. Better those 35 million should wait until they spend 8 hours in the ER being treated by a team of EMTs for massive stroke – far more efficient and less waiting for you and me.
an urge toward gleeful worsening
Coated in lick-my-nuts-infinity layers of win.
I have a collection of the finest leather-bound books for the purposes of anger-decoration.
http://www.booksbythefoot.com/
If I am going to be subjected to health care rationing
Honestly, what is their imaginary scenario here? HC is already “rationed.”
Let’s talk about HC rationing – I have an Aetna HMO plan that’s actually pretty darn good, but I found out one problem when I needed to have a little procedure done and discovered that there were only 2 surgeons in my network who did that procedure, and one of them was on maternity leave. There were, of course, hundreds, if not thousands of surgeons in my area who were on the Aetna PPO plan, but only 2 on the HMO plan. So I had to wait 3 months for the procedure. Technically, of course, I was fully covered, but practically it just didn’t work out that way.
Hans Trut-Enleiz, N. Ann Ekstra, M. Orel Senz
http://www.booksbythefoot.com/
Do they do custom orders? I want the bright red vinyl porn collection.
And it turns out that the guy isn’t even a real veterinarian, although he has a rather remarkable variety of “veterinarial instruments”, some rather curious “exam tables”, and top-of-the-line photographic and video equipment.
And it turns out that the guy isn’t even a real veterinarian, although he has a rather remarkable variety of “veterinarial instruments”, some rather curious “exam tables”, and top-of-the-line photographic and video equipment.
The name on the door, “Dr. Furr E Lover” should have been a clue.
http://www.booksbythefoot.com/
Do they do custom orders? I want the bright red vinyl porn collection.
You bet your ass they do!:
SPECIAL NEEDS: Should you have questions, more specific needs or desire only certain genres/sizes/colors etc please contact Designer Services for a quote.
I see everyone has already made the requisite sexual fetish jokes.
I got nothin’ except WTF??????????? now.
I see everyone has already made the requisite sexual fetish jokes.
I got nothin’ except WTF??????????? now.
May I show you something from our Rick Santorum collection? Those haven’t been touched.
Also, I only read half the footnotes. Is that allowed? (Sorry, Gavin. I think I have ADD).
May I show you something from our Rick Santorum collection? Those haven’t been touched.
Forgive me for not wanting to touch anything associated with Santorum.
As I see it, coverage for an additional thirty million Americans is going to mean an eventual shortage of doctors and care.
Yes, if only there were a mechanism for supply to somehow meet demand. As it is, our very life depends on screwing 30 million people.
Harold SEZ:
“Nobody move, or the dumbshit conservative get’s it!”
…requisite sexual fetish…
Veiled BDSM reference. It’s hotter when it’s mandatory, Mistress. I blame sexologists who use the phrase point of inevitability.
Obama approval at ALL TIME LOW:
http://www.gallup.com/poll/113980/Gallup-Daily-Obama-Job-Approval.aspx
More people disapprove than approve of Obama for the FIRST TIME!
Down, down it goes! Only lower as he rams through this unpopular big government boondoggle.
Dick Hertz? Who’s Dick Hertz?
Harold Witkov’s.
And may I just say I love those trippy Czech “Tom & Jerry”s. Kind of pleasantly like being slapped with a herring for 7 minutes.
Obama approval at ALL TIME LOW:
Veiled PENIS reference
Eventually I suppose we’ll run out of veterinarians too.
More people disapprove than approve of Obama for the FIRST TIME!
So he lasted six months longer than Bush and four months longer than Reagan. And Bush had 9/11 to fluff his numbers.
Poor Troofie. Poor, sad little boy. Mommy’s back needs scrubbing, and don’t forget the harness!
g @ March 19, 2010 at 15:52
And while we’re telling stories about rationing and such under the current system mind if I add a couple?
One time I needed some blood work done relatively quickly. The lab that my insurance company covered was backed up and couldn’t do the blood work with less than 2 weeks worth of turn-around (and it’s the socialized medicine that causes long waits for medical care?). So we sent the blood to another lab that got the results back quickly. And then there was years of back and forth (I got mailed copies of every letter between the companies) as the insurance company and the lab company haggled over who would pay whom what amount.
I happen to have a cherry angioma. It ain’t just one of them small “senile angiomas” — it’s huge and I’m young. Nonetheless, until the thing bursts and gets blood everywhere, my current insurance won’t cover its removal. My previous insurance would have covered it. But I had to go to the dermatologist (they wouldn’t cover my primary care physician removing it). But by the time I could make an appointment with the dermatologist, my insurance changed to one he no longer took — I would have had to get a new referral to a new dermatologist and scheduled an appointment, etc. — and I was trying to graduate!
And you know what? If the insurance company would have just paid for the quicker lab test and for the primary care physician to remove the angioma — imagine how relatively cheap in terms of my time, their time, their money, etc., it all would have been. Instead insurance companies will just waste time and money in order to deny claims or otherwise try to weasel out of paying for things. And this is efficient how?
Tell me again how private enterprise is oh so efficient (e.g. as compared to “gummint”)?
Yes, if only there were a mechanism for supply to somehow meet demand.
Why, I would imagine it probably involves lobbying all those Indian and Chinese medical students who study in America to stay here and open practices, making ten times what they would make back home!
So this clown wants to deny 30 million people access to health care to avoid rationing? Isn’t that rationing?
It’s sort of like the way we have to give presidents the power to crush our testicles and throw us in jail forever in order to avoid tyranny.
(And by “presidents” I mean of course “white Republican presidents.”)
fluff his numbers
I see what you do here
Sorry to go off-topic, but this was too remarkable to ignore: three cheers for, um…Debbie Schlussel???
And here’s the most amazing part–she appears to have her facts straight.
As I see it, coverage for an additional thirty million Americans is going to mean an eventual shortage of doctors and care.
Yes, if only there were a mechanism for supply to somehow meet demand. As it is, our very life depends on screwing 30 million people.
Y’know, this is a crap argument for various reasons. Aside from the fact that it’s, like, EVIL. There are various reasons why we have a primary care doc shortage that could be easily resolved if we just, like, y’know, FUCKING REFORMED HEALTH CARE. And a large part of the problem is that medical school is fucking expensive, yo, and a large reason why that occurs is because Republicans are assholes. Any Republican who makes this bullshit argument deserves to be kicked in the nads.
I happen to have a cherry angioma.
So THAT’S what’s on my wrist!
One of the battier recommendations in Trudeau’s canon is sungazing. It’s pretty much self-explanatory, I think. Now, I’m not suggesting that Witkov should stare directly into the sun. I’m just saying that sunrise is 7:13 on the east coast and the more solar energy he absorbs through his ocular cavities, the more of an edge he has over Obama’s dreaded death panels. What are you waiting for? There’s only nine hours of daylight left!
And a large part of the problem is that medical school is fucking expensive
Yeah, it’s amazing. When you remove education cost from the equation, all of a sudden a lot more doctors are interested in primary care and fewer in plastic surgery.
three cheers for, um…Debbie Schlussel???
If only hers was an original thought.
Darn, Link failure
http://www.newshounds.us/2007/08/06/how_much_does_hannitys_freedom_concert_really_benefit_children_of_fallen_soldiers_developing.php
Now, I’m not suggesting that Witkov should stare directly into the sun.
Because that would be wrong.
actor212
Just have it checked out by a physician or nurse to make sure it ain’t anything else. A primary care physician should be able to do the differential diagnosis by sight — no need to go to a dermatologist unless you already have a referral.
Wow. I mean I knew Sean Hannity was full of shit, but it takes a really special level of fecal volume for Debbie Schussel to detect it.
Nervous about November yet, liberals? You should be!
Even liberal Charlie Cook says that Democrats have “already” lost the House!
@tsam:
Ah. So once again, the Modern Conservative movement has been predicted by Blazing Saddles
Eventually I suppose we’ll run out of veterinarians too.
So conservatives believe that there is a strict limit to the number of doctors and/or veterinarians, but that oil is an infinite resource?
DAS,
I had a carcinoma excised and a full body scan. The derma pointed it out and explained I’d had it for decades. He didn’t seem concerned.
Of course, I’d had the carcinoma for decades and no doctor ever bothered to look at it until I had an eye infection and the fuckin’ urgent care physician said I ought to have it removed, since it was cancerous.
I figure I’ve had about thirty docs see me between college and the surgery. I wonder, if we really had single payer and preventive care, if it could have been handled earlier and more safely.
Even liberal Charlie Cook says that Democrats have “already” lost the House!
Bookmark it, libs!
And a large part of the problem is that medical school is fucking expensive
Yeah, it’s amazing. When you remove education cost from the equation, all of a sudden a lot more doctors are interested in primary care and fewer in plastic surgery.M
I work at a medical school, and I was just talking to my boss this morning about her meeting with a first-year student who is interested in orthopaedic surgery. She was like, “Dude, you have to make those contacts NOW, because if you don’t, you won’t be able to get into any residency programs.” We had to “scramble” (basically, find SOMEWHERE for students to be residents) a lot of fourth-year students this year because a lot of them wanted to go into specialty fields and there simply aren’t enough spots. I can’t blame them; you graduate school half a million dollars in debt and you can choose to work 70-80 hours a week in a stressful job with a lot of red tape that pays $150,000, or you can go into a specialty, work 40 hours a week, mostly avoid insurance-related bullshit, and make $500,000 a year. I know what I would choose.
you graduate school half a million dollars in debt
Which students from other countries have subsidized by their governments…
Gee…funny how America has a doctor shortage but all the good med schools, huh?
BTW, Harold seems to have missed an essential part to being a humor writer, missing as he does the entire concept of “humorous”.
Of course, I’d had the carcinoma for decades and no doctor ever bothered to look at it until I had an eye infection and the fuckin’ urgent care physician said I ought to have it removed, since it was cancerous.
I figure I’ve had about thirty docs see me between college and the surgery. I wonder, if we really had single payer and preventive care, if it could have been handled earlier and more safely.
Jesus. It wouldn’t have hurt. I’ve noticed that our system either causes doctors to be so busy that they can’t do their jobs correctly or encourages them to act like they’re so busy that they can’t do their jobs correctly.
I can’t blame them; you graduate school half a million dollars in debt and you can choose to work 70-80 hours a week in a stressful job with a lot of red tape that pays $150,000, or you can go into a specialty, work 40 hours a week, mostly avoid insurance-related bullshit, and make $500,000 a year. I know what I would choose.
While doctors generally get more respect from me than other people of their class, every once in a while I get a reminder of the specialist’s life. The orthopedist who looked at my knees last year is top of the game – he’s the staff orthopedist for the NY Rangers – and he saw me for ten minutes twice, didn’t take any insurance (although his staff deigned to give me a record that I could send to my insurance co), and charged my $1000 for the privilege. Everything besides his time was extra. And then his staff didn’t properly credit one of my credit-card payments and I started receiving dunning letters this winter.
rassin frassin: specialists’
Gee…funny how America has a doctor shortage but all the good med schools, huh?
Yup. Similarly, my mom teaches respiratory therapy at a community college, and 20 years ago, she had Canadian students who came to the US to go to school and would graduate and stay in the US health care system because there were more jobs and they could make more money here. Now, her Canadian students come here, go to school, and return to Canada. Even if they can make more money here, they don’t want to deal with our shit-ass crumbling healthcare system.
Harold SEZ:
“Nobody move, or the dumbshit conservative get’s it!”
tsam, the dumbshit conservatives never ever “get it”.
Also, I only read half the footnotes. Is that allowed?
No. Read the footnotes. If you must skip anything, skip the post – Witkov bash-a-rama will continue unabated through the comment thread, but the footnotes will, on multiple occasions, make you think
I’ve noticed that our system either causes doctors to be so busy that they can’t do their jobs correctly
I think it’s a combination of this and being forced to “find” diseases that require tests and drugs. A simple blemish on the face can get missed because the doc is looking for something harder to figure out.
The orthopedist who looked at my knees last year is top of the game – he’s the staff orthopedist for the NY Rangers – and he saw me for ten minutes twice, didn’t take any insurance (although his staff deigned to give me a record that I could send to my insurance co), and charged my $1000 for the privilege. Everything besides his time was extra. And then his staff didn’t properly credit one of my credit-card payments and I started receiving dunning letters this winter.
Nice. Yeah, uh, I’ve noticed that a lot of orthopedists tend to be the type who go into that field for the same reason they became doctors: money and prestige. And “the best” doctor isn’t necessarily the best doctor, know what I mean?
And “the best” doctor isn’t necessarily the best doctor, know what I mean?
Yeah. In this case, his advice seems to have worked. (My goal is to keep going with minor fixes to delay the probably-inevitable knee replacement until I’m retired.)
I think I should be investing in Depends and Kleenex futures right now, because I think they will be in short supply for Republicans on Sunday afternoon.
Maybe also some mouth protectors, for all the gnashing of teeth to accompany the weeping and the peeing of the pants by the TeaTardicans.
he’s the staff orthopedist for the NY Rangers
Feldman?
I had his predecessor for my knee. Nicest guy and when the insurance company balked at his fees, he actually had his attorney step in rather than have me pay the difference. Wish I could remember his name…
I think it’s a combination of this and being forced to “find” diseases that require tests and drugs. A simple blemish on the face can get missed because the doc is looking for something harder to figure out.
Oh, definitely. And the way medicine is taught in a lot of schools is based on the “try to figure out what tests to run” premise. But the thing is, a good doctor is detective that gathers information from a variety of sources, INCLUDING information the patient gives you, you goddamn motherfuckers, so LISTEN.
Feldman?
My libel attorney says I shouldn’t answer that.
I recant. Do not skip the post either or you’ll miss the distressed bubinga Sluthögs. Skip the comments – it’s just a bunch of liberal dorks making PENIS references of various degrees of veil-itude.
No. Read the footnotes. If you must skip anything, skip the post – Witkov bash-a-rama will continue unabated through the comment thread, but the footnotes will, on multiple occasions, make you think
But the type is so tiny! And thinking hurts!
Don’t you people understand?!?!?! This isn’t a health care reform bill, this is THE BEGINNING OF THE END DAYS!!!!!!!!
From the rich, tasty goodness of Witkov’s comments section:
This is nothing less than a tax on HUMAN EXISTENCE. (from IamDagny)
…both Obama and Hitler WERE VOTED INTO OFFICE.
…where’s Jim Jones when you need him?
…people should be considering to get Survival and Basic Farming books.
(We must vote out the current government.) It’s that or be herded onto the trains headed to the death camps… I am not overstating what is in store for all of us under Obama and the progressives.
This Nation truly stands at the abyss that is tyranny.
A country (at large) who decided to toss God out of everything is now reaping the fruit. And ironically many are now turning to God’s face in abject horror of what is about to come. It is true that God will not be mocked. One way or another, every knee will bow and every tongue confess that He is Lord!
…where’s Jim Jones when you need him?
Good question: why aren’t the right-wing cultists committing mass suicide?
But the type is so tiny! And thinking hurts!
That’s from High-School-Fail Barbie along with “Math is hard!”, right?
INCLUDING information the patient gives you
And yet, the average doctor tunes patients out after only fifteen seconds, having grabbed a diagnosis out of thin air.
I wish one night, House would bother acting like a real doctor…that might be fun, to have him confess he missed hearing a symptom because he was trying to think of ways into Cuddy’s pants.
Oh, hey, yeah this reminds me of my mother-in-law, who had chest pain and was taken to the ER. I think she saw six (maybe five?) doctors. None of them bothered to read her chart before talking to her. None of them knew what the other doctors had done, and generally, it was a huge communication clusterfuck. They ran several expensive tests that all came up fine. A doctor FINALLY PHYSICALLY EXAMINED HER and said, “What’s this rash? Oh! You have shingles!” Jesus Christ.
@tsam:
Ah. So once again, the Modern Conservative movement has been predicted by Blazing Saddles
Yes, exactly. Funny that they elect to be be the outrageous comedic example used to illustrate social illnesses.
This column also reminds me of an 8 year old, angry about not getting ice cream for breakfast, holding his breath or bashing his head on the table to get the attention of his parents. Or maybe teenagers who cut themselves to prove how emo they are…oh, I just got it! Conservative dopes are just grown up emobitches.
<iBut the type is so tiny! And thinking hurts!
That’s from High-School-Fail Barbie along with “Math is hard!”, right?
Yes. That and “Let’s go shopping!”
Feldman?
My libel attorney says I shouldn’t answer that.
It should say something about my life that I even know the name of the team surgeon.
The fuck did I do to those poor tags?
T&U Barbie: Tags are hard!
Tags are hard!
And <long> and <throbbing>.
T&U Barbie: Tags are hard!
Is this where I order a new keyboard? My last one has water all over it.
T&U Barbie: Tags are hard!
Rilly hard!
Also, I went back and read the footnotes. Generally brilliant, but especially the part about the nine-dimensional nutsack.
See, y’all had to get all dirty-minded and shit. Damn.
I think I should be investing in Depends and Kleenex futures right now, because I think they will be in short supply for Republicans on Sunday afternoon.
One might even say that they will be wailing and gnashing their teeth, rending their garments….
I saw the most poignant scene the other day. It was in one of those small, old-time markets that are handy for quick stops.
An elderly woman close to 90 was pushing a cart down the narrow aisles. Her white hair was immaculately coiffed, and she was dressed in her finest garb.
The woman’s regal appearance was capped by the biggest, sweetest smile. She just radiated joy. This trip to the grocery must have been the highlight of her week.
Behind her was an attractive 20-something-year-old, also decked out, but in a business suit. She was trying in vain to get past the snail-like senior citizen.
What I beheld in that young woman’s face chilled me. Her expression went beyond frustration and into pure, unadulterated contempt. The old woman was like a gnat getting in her way.
In a dramatic act of shopping-cart rage, the young woman groaned, turned her cart around, and bashed into the metal shelving. She sped off, practically mowing down anyone in her way. Mercifully, the old woman never saw a thing.
The incident broke my heart. For one, it’s distressing to see an elder disrespected. But there was another reason: I could relate to that old woman. While age-wise, I’m sandwiched between the two of them, my life bears more of a resemblance to the frail one.
Readers ask me all the time why I don’t move out of Berkeley. If the Bay Area is so pernicious, why not flee to a red state, or at least to the saner suburbs?
Here’s the reason why: I live with a chronic health condition that significantly restricts my life.
Some days I look relatively normal, though I always move about gingerly. Other times, when my illness flares, I use a cane and take cabs to get around.
Out in public, I often receive the same death stares as the elderly woman. I’ve been given the middle finger more than once as I creep across the street.
For those of living with illness, the prospect of health care being rationed is alarming. While most conservatives oppose ObamaCare on principle, for the ailing and old, the issue is a matter of life and death.
Part of the reason is obvious: Our survival depends decent health care. SEIU workers holding the key to our survival is a horrifying thought.
But there’s another imperative: the medically vulnerable need to feel needed. Believing that your life still means something is as vital as life-saving medicine.
It’s easy to become despondent when you’re ailing or old. Not surprisingly, the elderly have high rates of suicide. Feeling worthless and like a burden to others can lead to drastic action.
How many of society’s frail would take their own lives in a socialist health system? After they were subjected to the “death talk,” how many would forgo treatment or even accept medical euthanasia?
Countless numbers would give up. The message from society would be clear: Your life doesn’t matter.
Depriving people of dignity is as egregious as restricting treatments. The vulnerable (and, ultimately, isn’t that all of us?) need people to care. This means not only loved ones, but doctors and lawmakers. We need a culture that is pro-life.
As a lifelong liberal, I always assumed that pro-life meant the government controlling women’s bodies. But I finally understand the concept. Pro-life means viewing every life as sacred, as a gift from God…and understanding that human beings have no business playing the Messiah.
But to be a leftist is to live in delusion. It’s to misunderstand the place of human beings in the nature of existence. Humans are here to marvel at the world’s wonders, not to redesign the world itself.
Perhaps the biggest delusion is denying that everyone, leftists included, will someday be vulnerable and need the kindness of strangers. Old age one day will swallow that pretty twenty-year-old’s youth. She will be transformed into that old woman, the one with the ebullient smile and the spirit of God. That is, of course, if she is lucky.
I remember a conversation I once had with one of those cab drivers that I beckon for help when driving is too difficult. Raj an Indian man who has lived in this country for twenty-five years, is my favorite.
I once asked him if he’ll ever return to India. This is what he said:
I’ll be retiring to India. Most Indians do. It’s better to be old in Indian. We don’t have the welfare system you do. The state doesn’t take care of our old people. We take care of each other.
Raj’s words reminded me of an evocative story I once heard at a spiritual retreat:
God was taking a man on a tour of heaven and hell. In one room, people were sitting around a large, round table that had delectable dishes at its center. Each person was provided with an elongated spoon that was attached to the table.
Since it was physically impossible to get the spoon into one’s mouth, they were each starving to death, crying out and moaning in agony. God said, “This is hell.”
In the next room was the exact same setting. People were sitting around a table overflowing with delicious food. But in this room, the people were plump and happy. They were dipping the spoon into the food and then putting it into another’s mouth.
God explained, “This is heaven. In this room, they feed each other.”
Is this where I order a new keyboard? My last one has water all over it.
that’s not water.
You’re a sick, sick man, actor.
I saw the most poignant scene the other day. It was in one of those small, old-time markets that are handy for quick stops.
Amy Alkon bitching at some old broad for clacking her false teeth?
(We must vote out the current government.) It’s that or be herded onto the trains headed to the death camps… I am not overstating what is in store for all of us under Obama and the progressives.
Oh, no of course not, how could we possibly come to the conclusion that you’re overstating the situation due to the fact that you’re directly comparing giving people medical coverage to, in many cases, save their life, to, you know, MURDERING SIX MILLION PLUS PEOPLE, pshaw, no way that’s a major overtstatement, nope, blurp blurp *rustle*.
In the next room was the exact same setting. People were sitting around a table overflowing with delicious food. But in this room, the people were plump and happy. They were dipping the spoon into the food and then putting it into another’s mouth.
God explained, “This is heaven. In this room, they feed each other.”
And thus we have explained to us why middle Americans are so Christian AND so fucking obese and don’t want to do a damn thing about that.
They think Heaven will be a smorgasbord!
Since it was physically impossible to get the spoon into one’s mouth, they were each starving to death, crying out and moaning in agony. God said, “This is hell.”
Did they have signs that read: “TaXed Enough AlRAEdy”?
As a lifelong liberal, I always assumed that pro-life meant the government controlling women’s bodies.
As lifelong liberal, you’re an idiot if you thought that.
We must vote out the current government. It’s that or be herded onto the trains headed to the death camps… I am not overstating what is in store for all of us under Obama and the progressives.
I’m toying with the idea of putting together an Alternate Universe Encyclopedia, containing the ‘facts’ which would have to have… factuated… in order for the wingnut arguments to make sense. In this case, for example:
HITLER, ADOLF (1889-1945). . . . Hitler entered the world of politics through the German Workers’ Party, an organization dominated by female atheist intellectuals whose platform emphasized apologizing to Germany’s enemies and growing organic honey. He quickly gained prominence in the party by making speech after speech limning an ambitious plan for overhauling the German health insurance system . . . .
Alkon was the first thing I thought of, too. I’ve known a lot more Repubs and Christians who tended to get enraged when someone inconvenienced them somehow…
This Nation truly stands at the abyss that is tyranny DKW’s mom .
fixed
As a lifelong liberal, I always assumed that pro-life meant the government controlling women’s bodies.
As lifelong liberal, you’re an idiot if you thought that.
As a lifelong liberal, I’ve always assumed that bacon is delicious. And I’m correct.
At this moment Obama is in public, waving around his HUUUUUUUGE package and screaming out his intentions to RAM THIS HUGE PACKAGE DOWN REPUBLICANS AND TEATARDS’ THROATS
Bah, it had the strikethrough in the preview, I swear!
Stupid internet, thinks it is so cool…
God explained, “This is heaven. In this room, they feed each other. And then I feed on their roasted corpulent bodies. FEAR ME BITCHEZ .”
phizzled
At this moment Obama is in public, waving around his HUUUUUUUGE package and screaming out his intentions to RAM THIS HUGE PACKAGE DOWN REPUBLICANS AND TEATARDS’ THROATS
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN until they GAG ON IT!
It’s Friday, and Obama is black, and Harold Witkov is going Galt on the health care industry, and I feel like a song…
(ahem)
When Black Friday comes
I’ll stand down by the door
And catch the grey men when they
Dive from the fourteenth floor
When Black Friday comes
I’ll collect everything I’m owed
And before my friends find out
I’ll be on the road
When Black Friday falls you know it’s got to be
Don’t let it fall on me
When Black Friday comes
I’ll fly down to Muswellbrook
Gonna strike all the big red words
From my little black book
Gonna do just what I please
Gonna wear no socks and shoes
With nothing to do but feed
All the kangaroos
When Black Friday comes I’ll be on that hill
You know I will
When Black Friday comes
I’m gonna dig myself a hole
Gonna lay down in it ’til
I satisfy my soul
Gonna let the world pass by me
The Archbishop’s gonna sanctify me
And if he don’t come across
I’m gonna let it roll
When Black Friday comes
I’m gonna stake my claim
I’ll guess I’ll change my name
Oh, © and ® and &trade Steely Dan. Go buy Steely Dan’s Greatest Hits from Amazon or iTunes or wherever you crazy kids get your music these days. There.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN until they GAG ON IT!
And she calls us “dity minded”…
Newest medical anecdote, courtesy of Yours Truly…
Not a major one compared to some of the other horror stories here, but a lesson nonetheless. Our insurance changed from Company X to Company Y on Mar 1st. I ordered a prescription from a vendor, covered under Company X, on Feb 24. It was put on back order and not deliviered (sp) until Mar 15.
We got a bill for the prescription from Company X – “it isn’t covered”! Call the vendor – find out they don’t bill until the prescription came off back order, which was after Mar 1.
Now we gotta figure it out or pay for it. What a mess.
The glibertarians would say “you should’ve known insurance companies were for-profit operations, and left America for some country with healthcare.. It’s your own fault!”
And she calls us “dity minded”…
What? I’m just talking about the big, brown healthcare package. What are you thinking about?
And she calls us “dity minded”…
judging from the recent song-lyrics thread, many here are, indeed, ‘ditty-minded’
I’m just talking about the big, brown healthcare package. What are you thinking about?
Now?
The sister who delivers for UPS…
And she calls us “dity minded”…
NO!
I din’t?
Oh lord, I did!
We got a bill for the prescription from Company X – “it isn’t covered”! Call the vendor – find out they don’t bill until the prescription came off back order, which was after Mar 1.
Ugh. That sucks. I hope it’s not too much. I randomly received some meds through mail order even though I never even ordered them and never would have since they’re twice as expensive as they would be through my pharmacy. I can’t figure out what happened, but my guess is somebody at the pharmacy fucked up when I ordered a refill and somehow put it through to the insurance company? It wasn’t much, and I’ve had much worse encounters with the healthcare system (most of them when I didn’t have insurance), but it was still frustrating.
mmy said,
March 19, 2010 at 16:46
Wow. I mean I knew Sean Hannity was full of shit, but it takes a really special level of fecal volume for Debbie Schussel to detect it.
I’m thinking there’s more to the story–like Sean declined to allow her to pummel his ass with the King Kong strap on. So he’s taking his humiliation one way or another…
Awesome, this dimwit is going to poison himself with colloidal silver, and he’ll go from Big Red Dog to Big Blue Douche.
I’m thinking there’s more to the story–like Sean declined to allow her to pummel his ass with the King Kong strap on. So he’s taking his humiliation one way or another…
GLAAAAAAAARG DO NOT WANT.
So, no one who is currently uninsured gets any health care now?
OTOH, I have decent insurance and can rarely get health care because I can never get an appointment with my “primary care physician.” And, while I was reading this thread, I heard a story about how deaths from cervical cancer are up in the south, and women can’t get the gardisil vaccination that could prevent it. I
guess that’s what those sluts get for having sex in the first place, right?
If I die before I read them all, I will have my wife sell them on eBay. I am sure she will get a good price for them once ObamaCare kicks in.
So – if he croaks first, his wife doesn’t get to take advantage of his diabolical plan? She needs to beat him over the head with those books.
GLAAAAAAAARG DO NOT WANT.
Please be a little quieter. I’m having a moment of silence here to commemorate the brain cells that self-immolated when exposed to that thought.
GLAAAAAAAARG DO NOT WANT.
Please be a little quieter. I’m having a moment of silence here to commemorate the brain cells that self-immolated when exposed to that thought.
Is that why my nose is bleeding? Huh.
I guess that’s what those sluts get for having sex in the first place, right?
That’s right. Much like condoms and education, vaccinations actually force kids to have sex. Like government funding for abortions meaning everyone will get abortions and humanity will go extinct. Also.
Sorry guys, that wasn’t meant to be a lifelong injury.
Sorry guys, that wasn’t meant to be a lifelong injury.
tHAT K, I NOT USE THOSE SELLS ANNEEEMOAR ANNEEWAI.
I hope one of the fake names you used was Jenny Talia.
God was taking a man on a tour of heaven and hell. In one room, people were sitting around a large, round table that had delectable dishes at its center. Each person was provided with an elongated spoon that was attached to the table.
Since it was physically impossible to get the spoon into one’s mouth, they were each starving to death, crying out and moaning in agony. God said, “This is hell.”
What, nobody thought of ripping the spoons loose?
Cripes, I hate “spiritual leader” type stories.
Hey, Gavin, I like the way you do that.
Cheers.
Hey, you know what they did in Sweden when they discovered younger teens (12-16) were having sex and were forgoing protection because condoms were too big? THEY MADE SMALLER CONDOMS. No hand-wringing, no abstinence-based education, no slut-shaming…just a purely rational, mature response to a serious problem.
They’re called Hotshots, which I think is kind of cute.
What, nobody thought of ripping the spoons loose?
Or crawling up on the table and using their hands.
THEY MADE SMALLER CONDOMS
Now available for adults in Alabama, Tennessee, and Texas.
What, nobody thought of ripping the spoons loose?
Cripes, I hate “spiritual leader” type stories.
When I heard that story when I was a kid, I asked why they didn’t use their hands. I think the answer was “It’s JUST A STORY!”
tHAT K, I NOT USE THOSE SELLS ANNEEEMOAR ANNEEWAI.
Oh shit. Oh no, oh my god. I didn’t make you into a conservative, did I? I would never live down that guilt.
Sorry guys, that wasn’t meant to be a lifelong injury.
The voice putting images of Debbie Schlussel doing Hannity with a massive strap-on dildo is coming from inside the boat!
The voice putting images of Debbie Schlussel doing Hannity with a massive strap-on dildo is coming from inside the boat!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGG GLARRRG. Ugh. I had just forgotten about it. Thanks.
I didn’t make you into a conservative, did I?
i NOT FINK SEW…LEMME CHEK.
nOPE! pENIS STILL LONG. i HOKAY.
The voice putting images of Debbie Schlussel doing Hannity with a massive strap-on dildo is coming from inside the boat!
tAX CUTS! kEEP yER hANS OFF mY mEDICARE, mORAN!
oH DEER! tHAT MAY HAB DUN IT!
Credit Where Credit is Due, Wingnut Edition:
Debbie Shlussel goes after…Hannity?
Since actor’s already made the comment about SPREAD’s Christian’s being fat, allow me to add this small point:
In the next room was the exact same setting…
They are also immune to the agonized cry of the starving.
In 2005, the late Dr. Michael Crichton wrote a book of fiction called State of Fear. The plot of the storyline is the exposé of the fraudulent science behind the global warming theory in the middle of a fictitious court case. The book was a bestseller, and in a strange twist of circumstances, it landed Dr. Crichton in front of a Senate committee. Now it seems that life is indeed imitating art.
In the past few years, there have been many court cases concerning the actions of governments to the alleged threat of global warming. The latest has been filed by Texas against the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) with respect to the Endangerment Finding of Carbon Dioxide (CO2).
Texas has filed two petitions in federal court. The first is a request for review of the endangerment finding, which is intended to examine the science behind global warming. The second is a petition for reconsideration of the finding. These court cases were brought about in the wake of the Climategate scandal. Climategate has revealed that significant portions of the Inter-Governmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC)’s Fourth Assessment Report (AR4) were based on fraudulent science.
The crux of the matter is that the EPA based the endangerment finding on the now-discredited IPCC report. To date, the IPCC have admitted to two significant erroneous claims. First, they admitted to the fact that the Himalayan glaciers are not melting away, and secondly, they have stated that the claim of the trends of natural disasters attributed to global warming is overstated. Subsequently, the IPCC have been prompted to publicly state that they are reviewing their own quality assurance procedures in light of these admissions.
But now all of this is going to be examined in a court of law. It should be noted that the laws of governments and the laws of science differ very significantly. For example, governments can repeal laws, like in the case of prohibition. By contrast, science cannot repeal the law of gravity. It is this kind of cold, hard fact that lawyers typically are not used to dealing with. If the case of Texas versus the EPA is decided on the scientific facts, as it should be, then the EPA will lose.
So what are the facts? The two graphs below show the transmittance of two gasses in the Infrared (IR) wavelength. One is CO2, and the other is water vapor (H2O). The dips in these graphs show where the two substances absorb the IR energy. Clearly, H2O absorbs more than ten times the amount of energy in the IR spectrum as does CO2. Furthermore, H2O is more than one hundred times more abundant in the atmosphere than CO2. The conclusion is that H2O is more than one thousand times as potent a greenhouse gas (GHG) as CO2.With such immutable facts facing the EPA, how will they explain their stance that CO2 is a greater danger to the public than water vapor? What’s sauce for the goose should be sauce for the gander.
Scientific honesty is at the very heart of the global warming debate, and it will likely be the centerpiece for the legal questions to be presented in the dramatic setting of a federal courtroom. The weakness of the endangerment finding stops not with these two graphs, but with the entire methodology used in producing all of the IPCC reports, including AR4, on which the finding was based.
In Senate testimony to the Committee on Environment and Public Works, Dr. Crichton stated that the verification techniques used in climate research did not meet the basic standard of independent verification. In explaining the scientific method to the committee, Dr. Crichton stated the following:
In essence, science is nothing more than a method of inquiry. The method says an assertion is valid — and merits universal acceptance — only if it can be independently verified. The impersonal rigor of the method means it is utterly apolitical. A truth in science is verifiable whether you are black or white, male or female, old or young. It’s verifiable whether you like the results of a study, or you don’t.
He went on to say:
For a person with a medical background, accustomed to this degree of rigor in research, the protocols of climate science appear considerably more relaxed. In climate science, it’s permissible for raw data to be “touched,” or modified, by many hands. Gaps in temperature and proxy records are filled in. Suspect values are deleted because a scientist deems them erroneous. A researcher may elect to use parts of existing records, ignoring other parts. But the fact that the data has been modified in so many ways inevitably raises the question of whether the results of a given study are wholly or partially caused by the modifications themselves.
Now that the horse is out, the IPCC is trying to close the barn door by establishing some sort of scientific standard in the wake of significant errors found in the AR4. Better late than never, or maybe not — at least as far as the court case against the EPA is concerned.
In February of this year, the IPCC stated the following:
GENEVA, 4 February 2010
* Materials relevant to IPCC Reports, in particular, information about the experiences and practices of the private sector in mitigation and adaptation activities, are also found in sources that have not been published or peer-reviewed (e.g., industry journals, internal organizational publications, non-peer reviewed reports or working papers of research institutions, proceedings of workshops, etc.). A lot of relevant information appears also in government reports and publications from international organizations. To make all references used in IPCC Reports easily accessible and to ensure that the IPCC process remains open and transparent, additional procedures have been agreed for the use of such sources, often referred to as “grey literature”.
* Authors who wish to include information from a non-published/non-peer-reviewed source, are requested to critically assess and review the quality and validity of each source before incorporating results into an IPCC Report.
But even this standard of accepting “grey literature” does not meet basic standards of publication in scientific journals or government technical memorandums. For example, the National Marine Fisheries Service states the following concerning literature cited in professional papers: “Literature cited comprises published works and those accepted for publication in peer-reviewed literature (in press).”
The EPA will have to explain why it was willing to accept substandard work to establish the endangerment finding. Their lawyers will have to explain why they accepted work that states within the pages of the AR4 an admission of guilt to the sin of data-manipulation. In table 6.1, it states the following: “All reconstructions, therefore, involve a degree of compromise with regard to the specific choice of ‘target’ or dependent variable.”
In English, this means that the data were manipulated to achieve a predetermined “target.” This hardly sounds like science…more like fiction. They say that the difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense. Maybe that explains the content of the leaked e-mail from Tim Osborn to the now-discredited Dr. Phil Jones of the Climate Research Unit at East Anglia University in Great Britain. This e-mail sent on December 13, 2005 discusses ways to manipulate Antarctic data to achieve an outcome that “makes sense” with respect to tropical data.
Even if you do something to sort out the problem at the S. Pole, how about the isolated boxes around the coast of Antarctica, which will be given much less weight than an isolated box in the tropics which might also have only 1 station in.
The e-mail goes on to say that Antarctic data should be given only 79% of its true value: “Perhaps put it in every fourth box, giving a weighting of 0.79 (bit less than tropical, which is reasonable for spatial correlation reasons)?”
By giving greater weight to the tropical data, you can achieve your “target” of global warming…even if it’s only fiction.
After Sunday’s vote, I want Obama to get on the TeeVee. I picture him sitting at a large dining room table, papers strewn across it. In front of him is a calculator. He has a pencil stuck behind his ear.
He looks up at the camera and says “Well, now that we can all afford insurance, it’s time to tackle the budget. Hm. “t looks here as tho we’re going to need to raise taxes in order to close the budget deficit. Either that, or America will have to go look for a second job…”
In 2005, the late Dr. Michael Crichton wrote a book of fiction called State of Fear.
And was subsequently debunked.
In 2005, the late Dr. Michael Crichton wrote a book
I’m impressed. Not everyone can write after they die, let alone go through the copy-editing process.
Not everyone can write after they die, let alone go through the copy-editing process.
Hell is full of editors. Take it from me.
I’M COMING FOR YOU, HANNITY!!!
I’m impressed. Not everyone can write after they die, let alone go through the copy-editing process.
They preserved some of his DNA in amber and cloned him.
They preserved some of his DNA in amber and cloned him.
Well, he was a bit of a dinosaur.
They are also immune to the agonized cry of the starving.
definitely Christians then.
Okay, I’m blaming you guys for this one.
In addition to “keep out of reach of druids” the other day, I look at the title of a CE program just now and thought it had to do with “appropriate use of insulin penis”.
Grrrrr!
“appropriate use of insulin penis”
Sulin! I remember her…
So what are the facts? The two graphs below show the transmittance of two gasses in the Infrared (IR) wavelength. One is CO2, and the other is water vapor (H2O).
epic cut ‘n’ paste FAIL
Copy pasta feeding, but at least it’s better than reminding y’all about Schlussel and her strap-on probing of Hannity.
Hyuk hyuk, oxidane is all greenhouse gassy – therefore GO-BALLS WRAMNIGS HOAX!!!one Hyuk. algore is fat.
Well, yeah – dihydrogen monoxide is a greenhouse gas – but like just about everything to do with hydrogen alcohol, it’s complicated. So, aside from clouds having albedo effect and that CAS 7789-20-0 is stable in all three separate phases in the environment with large masses frequently shifting their state – U R STILL RONG. By attempting to address climate change, the EPA is targetting preventing the global atmospheric temperature from rising dramatically. Which in turn would limit the amount of water vapour in the atmosphere.
I look at the title of a CE program just now and thought it had to do with “appropriate use of insulin penis”.
When I become a millionaire manufacturing novelty insulin pens, I’ll be sure to credit you.
Copy pasta feeding, but at least it’s better than reminding y’all about Schlussel and her strap-on probing of Hannity.
Dude, that’s not very nice. I’m not sure actor has any more brain cells to spare.
Although, in fairness – algore is kinda fat.
When I become a millionaire manufacturing novelty insulin pens
There’s nothing funnier than an insulin pen with “disappearing” contents.
Schlussel and her strap-on probing of Hannity.
Repeated for continuing the brain damage.
One of those weirdly ridged ones.
Probably double-headed, too.
I’m not sure actor has any more brain cells to spare.
I’m sure he has overdraft protection.
God explained, “This is heaven. In this room, they feed each other.”
OMFG!!! Heaven is SOCIALEST!11!!!!1
When I become a millionaire manufacturing novelty insulin pens
There’s nothing funnier than an insulin pen with “disappearing” contents.
Imma make some where the lady’s clothes come off when you move the pen.
Oh sweet Gog & Magog – this is just going to have to wait until one of my days off.
Rest assured that I sniffed & licked at its overall gestalt of wonder & mystery …. but I’m just plain way way wuh-HAAAAAY too burnt-out to ingest it all, though I got the original trope that brought on the rise of the behemoth.
Man, talk about fuckin’ the pooch, eh?
Schlussel may have a nasty case of brainworms when she tries to write about politics, but her post on Hannity is both rock-solid old-school journalistic muckraking & brutal as fuck. Doing it to a fellow wingnut takes some major titanium huevos, all the more so in regards to a rawkstar like Hannity.
I doubt that Murdoch’s Evil Elves are tickled by this development overly much. Wonder if she’s had to change her phone-number yet.
If I die before I read them all, I will have my wife sell them on eBay. I am sure she will get a good price for them once ObamaCare kicks in.
Free markets like eBay will be seized by the proletariat. Quack medicine books will be taken and redistributed to people with no quack medicine books of their own.
Since it was physically impossible to get the spoon into one’s mouth, they were each starving to death, crying out and moaning in agony. God said, “This is hell.
So they weren’t already dead? What happens to them when they die in Hell? Do they go to double Hell where the spoons are still useless but now the food looks like poop?
Will HCR interfere with my access to physician-recommended Wilford Brimley Liberty Medical full frontal nudity insulin pens?
I wonder if troofy and any other nutjobs who lurk in the environs will be denouncing Hannity for screwing over American Servicemen.
When I become a millionaire manufacturing novelty insulin pens
There’s nothing funnier than an insulin pen with “disappearing” contents.
Imma make some where the lady’s clothes come off when you move the pen.
Ooh ooh make one with a disappearing foot!
DON’T JUDGE ME!
God explained, “This is heaven. In this room, they feed each other.”
Actually, the more I think on it, the more I realize this is wingnut heaven. After all, as has already been pointed out, there is major suffering by other people happening in the room next door – sheer bliss for a wingnut. Then the wingnut will be fed by the others who are in heaven with him (who are obviously all bleeding heart liberals if they go around feeding each other) so the wingnut welfare continues right on into the afterlife. The wingnut obviously will not take it in his turn to feed others, but will bitch and moan about the ones who are doing so and declare them all filthy communists. So all the things that most delight wingnuts are all provided in this version of heaven. The only big stretch in this scenario is the idea that any wingnut might actually make it to heaven.
“Wilford Brimley” and “full frontal nudity” in the same sentence?
This thread is going to be appearing in therapy sessions for years to come.
Witkov thinks e-bay is funny because his wife just showed it to him. He knows he’s not allowed to use it since it’s for the grown-ups but he can make jokes about it.
And the transgressors and the blasphemers shall be cast into the bottomless pit of eternal agony that is known as the Glasgow Junior High School Cafeteria and there shall they be made to eat the meatloaf.
After all, as has already been pointed out, there is major suffering by other people happening in the room next door – sheer bliss for a wingnut.
Maybe they just hear the moaning and assume since they’re OBVIOUSLY in Heaven the moaners must be in Hell, while the truth is that the Ryan’s-esque all you can eat canned corn and pudding buffet is just to keep them out of the sexy, sexy party in the real Heaven.
Superstring theory
Pretty obvious that Superstring theory requires a Cosmic Can-Shaker And Valve-Presser.
God explained, “This is heaven. In this room, they feed each other.”
OK, feeding each other is okay, but keeping each other healthy is not.
Got it.
Kathryn Lopez is so MAD. She twits: “jonah’s birthday is on sunday. clearly, the white house has it in for him.”
Since it was physically impossible to get the spoon into one’s mouth, they were each starving to death, crying out and moaning in agony. God said, “This is hell.
That’s funny. Because here’s the way I heard it:
A guy dies and upon arriving at the pearly gates is informed by God himself that he’s not getting in. God explains that they do, however allow the condemned to choose for themselves what their eternal punishment will be, and that he’ll give the guy a tour.
Among the rooms they visit, one has a Jerry Springer episode being played out; Ann Althouse is one of the “guests”. Another is a room where naked people on their hands and knees are eternally condemned to lick goat’s asses. Worse yet, Mickey Kaus is in there. And God shows him various and sundry other punishments just as vile. Finally, they’ve been to all the rooms except one. God informs the guy that this is the last one and then he will have to choose between all of the various punishments presented. They open in the door, and in this final room, a bunch of people are standing in shit up to their chins, drinking iced tea. The guy looks at them and thinks, “well, yeah, shit’s nasty but it’s not Mickey Kaus, and at least they’re getting to drink iced tea.” So he tells God, “I’ll go with this one.”
So they hand him a glass of iced tea, and he wades out into the shit until he’s up to his neck, and after a few minutes sipping tea olfactory fatigue sets in and he’s really not even smelling the shit all that much. Just as he’s silently congratulating himself for the good choice he’s made, a devil’s helper cruises in on a jet-ski and shouts: “Okay, break’s over! Back on your heads!”
By the way, really? That’s the fucking best that Heaven offers? You get to feed each other with spoons?
Yeah. What a fucking Supreme Being that sounds like.
Late to the party, as usual, and wasting a perfectly good Friday morning catching up to the thread, but I must stand in awe and clap loudly and slowly with a dazed expression on my face for the epic WIN from Gavin. You now own all possible internetz forever, times Lick My Nuts Infinity (LMNI), and can give them any names you want.
Do not skip the footnotes, fellow ‘naughts, and do not skip the OP, nor should you skim either one. Drink deeply of their awesomeness and savor every gulp.
One thing no-one seems to have been too tempted with is to get off the boat. Why would leave a luxury cruise liner to go after some stale, bloated rotten mangoes?
“appropriate use of insulin penis”.
I know just the place: http://www.penisland.net
There are so many fallacies in that word vomit I feel dirty just looking at it.
Dude, that’s not very nice. I’m not sure actor has any more brain cells to spare.
S’Ok, I had wine for lunch. I’m immoon.
OILY TAINT IS GOING DOWN!
I prefer:
tn
The number, lick-my-trucknuts-infinity xpressed symbolically as above, indicates the number of wingnuts gnashing, wailing, peeing, etc. after the giant black schlong of HCR is rammed an n number of times down their throats.
And in all seriousness, does the unfunny humorist think that there will instantly be 30 million more sick people after HCR passes? I’m pretty sure the number of sick people will remain constant, at somewhere less than tn, but that 30 million of them might actually be able to better afford the care they receive. It’s not that all of them aren’t already getting care, it’s that sure, some portion of them are forgoing care, but others are just, you know, going fucking bankrupt over it and now they might not have to. What a douche.
FYWP: tn is supposed to render ‘t-sub-n’ like it did in the preview. Misparsing HTML is theft.
Did anyone mention, if you want more doctors, you’ll have to go to Europe or something? American medical schools have a limited number of slots intentionally to have fewer doctors.
One of my friends with his top-2% scoring on the pre-med exams couldn’t get accepted by any US school; and is instead at the top school in Europe, Charles University.
OILY TAINT IS GOING DOWN!
She’s comparing herself to Mandela…but didn’t Bush say that Mandela was dead?
Oh and I don’t think Mandela was imprisoned b/c he claimed that the South African president didn’t have a legit birth certificate.
Oh, and I improved the PENIS lolcat from yesterday.
Did anyone mention, if you want more doctors, you’ll have to go to Europe or something? American medical schools have a limited number of slots intentionally to have fewer doctors.
Yeah, a lot of more prestigious schools artificially limit their numbers. Some schools simply don’t have enough funding to accommodate an increase in class size without compromising teaching quality and/or raising tuition.
Some schools simply don’t have enough funding to accommodate an increase in class size without compromising teaching quality and/or raising tuition.
Teach ’em in trailers. You can fit like 40 kids and a barely trained 20-something teacher in there.
The wingnuts in my local school district say it works just fine.
Awesome, this dimwit is going to poison himself with colloidal silver, and he’ll go from Big Red Dog to Big Blue Douche.
I was hoping someone’d mention this. The skin-coloring effects are pretty memorable.
You can fit like 40 kids and a barely trained 20-something teacher in there.
And there’s no pesky teacher next door to hear you thru the wall when you either tie up the children or the teacher, and fiddle about.
thanks for the PENISland, actor. I posted it over at our place. With a hat tip to you.
*deep bow*
My pleas, Jen
Q: What sort of cretin believes in imaginary death panels?
A: The sort that buys a “Q-Ray bracelet” as a treatment for their herniated disk.
It would also have been wise for his mother to have “Plan B”, just in case…
Oh snap!
His “Plan B” sounds more like “Plan 9 From Outer Space”.
“Stronger. You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!”
She’s comparing herself to Mandela
did she REALLY say this???!?!? I am a confirmed boat-stayer-inner, so no way to tell, but that is one fine hoekstrionic.
Well, it’s okay if people just sort of do it, just not if the government is involved in any way. Because the government isn’t, y’know, of the people or by the people or for the people or anything.
The core wingnut fail of basic American civics will never cease to amaze me.
The original post is fascinating. He really is threatening to hold his breath until he turns blue if he doesn’t get his way.
He is essentially making the following threat: If I have to wait an extra week to see a specialist, I’ll by God treat my tumor with magnets! I swear I will! That’ll show you libs!
How could anybody care about this choice but him?
How could anybody care about this choice but him?
I care! It makes for good comedy!
“as soon as I Allen-keyed them together and shoveled their maws full”
Gavin, I think you are confusing American “Thinker” with Renew America.
The self-hypnosis thing sounds good. He should try this one first:
http://www.hypnoticwishes.com/adult/gallery/forced-sissy.shtml
ANY kind of health care reform would be a bad thing because it would mean less health care for him. Give the man credit for his honesty.
Perhaps someone can come up with a health scheme that will drastically restrict the number of people receiving care, and then he’ll be happy.
Perhaps someone can come up with a health scheme that will drastically restrict the number of people receiving care, and then he’ll be happy.
Well, we could round people up, say in boxcars, and ship them off to “camps”….
The reasons against passing any kind of reform that aren’t purely partisan, like this one, are breathtaking examples of pants-shittery.
I bet he’s a compulsive hoarder. I’d be more sympathetic if he weren’t an asshole about it.
How could anybody care about this choice but him?
Hey, I totally care! If he goes for the colloidal hypno-magnets an additional 30 million people get coverage!
The only way this bukkake scene will work is if we all pull together.
“oh- and did I mention I’m married? that means however pathetic I sound, I can’t be dismissed as a lonely crank because, as I said, I’ve got a wife (and also a dog, not necessarily in that order).”
I hope that fucking post took three weeks to write, because I couldn’t make that much teh funneh in a month, even before the chemotherapy. I love humor that’s funnier than my humor. But there’s too funny, Gavin. If that’s even your real name. OR IS THAT A JOKE, TOO???
I start by ordering an adult Clifford the Big Red Dog Halloween costume (I saw them for sale on Amazon). My wife brings me into the local veterinarian on all fours with a leash around my neck. She provides the vet with my stool and urine samples and explains, “This is my big red dog, Clifford. I would like him examined thoroughly. You are welcome to draw his blood and take X-rays, but he is not to receive any rabies or distemper shots. If I have to leave him, that is fine, but under no circumstances should he be neutered.”
I liked that joke when Woody Allen told it and it was about an old Jewish couple in a moose costume and then the joke was on the country club in whose lobby they were stuffed and mounted because the club was restricted!
First thing I had to say is the Clifford better sue this guy’s ass for defamation by impersonation. Then it must be pointed out that this moke has obviously not taken an animal to the vet recently. Those guys only take payment in full up front and can run up a 4 figure bill right there in the office faster than you can say “bow-wow.”
On a slight divergent subject: I hope we do call the new health care plan Obamacare. The wingnutshits think it’s a pejorative. I want to rub their doggie noses in it for the rest of their lives.
They say death panels like it’s a bad thing.
Kevin Trudeau? That’s fucking funny.
The quack industry in America is huge, and it’s a direct consequence of not having a healthcare system. Bullshit vitamin-peddlers, pharma-copyists, etc. If you can see a real doctor without a copay or for the change in your pocket, then there’s less incentive to pay $50 (plus $50/mo repeat billings that never stop until you cancel your card) for infomercial shit.
I imagine that the quacks will go full-on Teabagger in the mid-term, and I’d like to think that the ‘baggers would spend all their healthcare dollars on snake oil, but since so many are on [Get Government Out Of My] Medicare, that’s sadly not going to happen.
Hello everybody, Happy April Fool’s Day!!!
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Happy April Fool’s Day!