Shorter Fred Hiatt
Posted on March 15th, 2010 by Brad
- C’mon, boy, I don’t hear no singin’! When you was campaignin’ you sang like a bird! C’mon, how ’bout a good ol’ Obama work song!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Barry, baby, why so serious. Don’t we need a glass-half-full kind of guy?
Whatever happened to optimism and “morning in America”?
Why is our Muslim Atheist Nazi Communist Black Panther Jimmy Carter President so dour when he plays his record number of golf games?
Everyone who works for Fred Hiatt says the most comical things with absolutely straight faces. He’s just not used to someone making sense and meaning it.
The Sheriff is near!
Wild sea horses couldn’t get me out of the boat. Not even one of those big muthafuckas Aquaman rode.
I know, it’s the world’s hardest job, and between war and the world economy collapsing, he didn’t have the first year he might have wished for. And, yes, he’s damned either way: With thousands of Americans risking their lives overseas and millions losing their jobs at home, we’d slam him if he acted carefree.
“Now watch this drive.”
Fred will start liking Obama any day now, I’m sure of it.
Oops, Ferd (the werd) let slip:
Shorter Ferd:
Damn yo Michael G.
My response to Hiatt in comments:
The media are carping, superficial and relentless.”
And then, as if to underscore the point: “Do Americans really want to hear the tick of the old lighthouse clock? Or would they prefer the good cheer that we associate with FDR or JFK, the jauntiness with which they took over the White House and made it theirs?”
Perhaps the problem isn’t Obama’s; perhaps the problem is that you are a shallow, mindless twit.
Oops, Ferd
Ferd Packer?
Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™
Fred Hiatt: Moron In America.
Shorter Fred Hiatt:
I am turned off by the seriousness of Obama’s package.
Brad, in all seriousness….isn’t Hiatt’s picture crying out for a photshopping into Droopy Dawg?
I know, it’s the world’s hardest job, and between George Bush’s war and the
worldU.S. economy collapsing thanks to George Bush, hedidn’t have the first year he might have wished forhad to spend 90% of his time trying to show the world that America isn’t fucked.Fixx0red.
The America Obama inherited is enough to make Tickle Me Elmo swallow a bottle of Demerol. I’m surprised the man has cracked a smile so far. So fuck you, Hiatt, you zombie Repub shill, you.
It’s always about the smilin’ Negro for the entitled white guy, isn’t it?
All right. People who got out of the boat are splashing around so much, I’m not even safe in the boat.
I’m not sure who the “we” is here. It’s not me, anyone my age or younger, because we don’t remember either presidency. It can’t be Fred either because he was eight when Kennedy was assassinated and -10 when FDR left office.
Oh wait! He’s doing that little trick so favored by relentless wankers when he picks a time period at random and says “Everyone knows those were the good old days!”
make Tickle Me Elmo swallow a bottle of Demerol.
Yes, please do.
make Tickle Me Elmo swallow a bottle of Demerol.
Yes, please do.
I always wondered why some Noo Yawkah never invented the “Tickle DIS” Elmo…
I always wondered why some Noo Yawkah never invented the “Tickle DIS” Elmo…
Actually, maybe Eric Massa did…
Actually, maybe Eric Massa did…
So full of win, this is.
make Tickle Me Elmo swallow a bottle of Demerol.
Yes, please do.
Sadly, Oscar the Grouch stole them all. Bert and Ernie have been on the case, but Ernie keeps getting high and mumbling “tickle THIS, muthas”, and Bert can’t keep his hands off the interns.
Elmo may meet with a mysterious “accident” later though, if “Big Bird” has anything to say about it. Yo Gabba Gabba, and don’t you forget it.
Since when is throwing up in the Japanese prime minister’s lap “schmoozing with foreign leaders”?
Since when is throwing up in the Japanese prime minister’s lap “
schmboozing with foreign leaders”?Fixedity!
Since when is throwing up in the Japanese prime minister’s lap “schmoozing with foreign leaders”?
Absolutely. That’s not shmoozing, it’s the olympic sport of the 1-meter hurl.
That’s not shmoozing, it’s the olympic sport of the 1-meter hurl.
The ralph and field events.
look, GHW Bush’s choice was to hurl in the Japanese Prime Minister’s lap, or Barbara’s.
It seems an obvious choice. The worst that could happen if you barf on a Prime Minister is an international incident, maybe war. If you barf on Babs Bush, it’s gonna HURT.
OMFG. I am saddened and ashamed. Yesterday I made an attempt at writing an op-ed for Ferd. It was a ludicrously nonsensical claim based on no evidence whatsoever – yet presented as if it was incontrovertible fact. I should have known better than to make an attempt at something where Ferd’s mastery is legendary.
What is Ferd’s basis for the idea that Obama hates being preznit? Is it Obama constantly citing how much prezniting was hard werk? No. It’s this one excerpt from a People magazine interview with him:
OMFG! When talking about war and all them servicemen getting blowed up in Iraq and Afghanistan, Obama gets all quiet-like. No glib jokes come shooting out! Wotta humourless dildo teh preznit is!
Holy shit, Ferd. Congratulations – you’ve shown my attempt at satirizing you and your bullshit editorial page as being so very, very inadequate. You took the idea of being so fucking ridiculous that you were beyond satire and brought it to a whole new level.
President Obama spoke in such a hush about the loneliness of his decisions on war and terrorism that one could hear between his words the tick of an old lighthouse clock across the room.
He *tick* must *tick* speak *tick* very *tick* slowly *tick*.
Probably has to so a low-normal like Hiatt can keep up…
President Obama spoke in such a hush about the loneliness of his decisions on war and terrorism that one could hear between his words the tick of an old lighthouse clock across the room.
Boy, the more I think about this, this stupider it becomes.
It would be impressive if you heard the ticks OVER HIS WORDS, instead of when he’s being silent.
I like that he quotes People Magazine as his go-to authority on this stuff.
Oh, to have a job like this. Research while standing on line in the supermarket, spend 20 minutes at the computer, get a check.
Yep, there’s nothing quite so authoritative when discussing the burdens of the Presidency than quoting People Magazine.
What did you expect? “Great job, Obama!”? “Love your health plan!”? “Sorry you had to come in and clean up the shit-hole fucking mess I supported being created”?
You’ve got to remember that these are just simple pundits. These are people of the beltway. The common member of the Village.
You know … morons.
The National Enquirer is nominated for a Pulitzer, and the op-ed page of the Washington Post is relying on the sober journalism of People Magazine to underscore its point. Truly, we are living in the end times.
Either that, or Fred Hiatt is an intellectually bankrupt mynah bird squawking back any presumably centrist criticism of Obama he can dig up, and we all know which possibility is more likely at this point…
President Obama spoke in such a hush about the loneliness of his decisions on war and terrorism that one could hear between his words the tick of an old lighthouse clock across the room.
So wait, he spoke so quietly you could hear stuff in the moments when he wasn’t actually saying anything?
Less lugubriousness wouldn’t necessarily buy him a health-care bill. But in the long run, Americans might find it easier to root for or with Obama if he’d show us, despite everything, that he’s happy we hired him.
And there it is. It might not help him achieve anything politically, but it would give the spectators a horse to cheer for(but probably not, since we’d then “slam him” for how glib and flip he was while people suffered.) Take this with the awful “[Americans] don’t want to have to feel grateful to him for taking on the burden [of the presidency]” and it’s clear the only thing Hiatt cares about is how the president makes him feel. So fucking emo.
So wait, he spoke so quietly you could hear stuff in the moments when he wasn’t actually saying anything?
In fairness to Hiatt and People Mag, Bush never shut up long enough to hear anything.
Wait people associated FDR with happiness? I mean he was happy in the face of almost unimaginable obstacles- but cheeriness like JFK or Reagan? Is this like FDR from 1932-1936 and only then or what, because I’ve seen pictures of Yalta and the greatest American President since Lincoln doesn’t appear giddy.
Not to belabor the obvious, but if Obama were cheerful, he’d be a fool.
Or Ronald Reagan—but I repeat myself.
Happy =/= Competent.
Shrub was a regular Giddy Gertie, & so was Reagan – both were Force 5 Hurricanes of epic fail made flesh. A crippled America is still only gradually recovering from the toxic shitstorm they left as a legacy.
Perhaps Joe & Jane Sixpack are a mite glum also, as in the back of their minds they begin to realize that due to budgetary issues beyond their control, the usual debut of the latest New & Improved Lemony-Fresh War On Brown Folks Far Away may not be forthcoming on schedule by 2011 … & the vendors of cluster-bombs & yellow ribbons are getting downright melancholy.
C’mon, Barry, turn that frown upside-down – blow some shit up real good … & stop being such a total buzzkill!
Damn yo Michael G.
Really. He stole my joke
before I could think of itwhile I was, erm, away from the computer.But in the long run, Americans might find it easier to root for or with Obama if he’d show us, despite everything, that he’s happy we hired him.
Wait, now, I’m trying to figure this one out. He shouldn’t be serious about the job because that’s like totally a downer for us, but neither should he be taking “date nights” with his wife or eating hamburgers with Dijon mustard or playing golf?
I’m trying to figure out what the fuck they want, and all I can come up with is a workaholic hermit grinning manically in a bunker.
Americans might find it easier to root for or with Obama if he’d show us, despite everything, that he’s happy we hired him.
I’d think he was a fucking loon if he showed he was happy for the hiring. Start fixing problems, and have him make ME happy we hired him.
Why does Obama keep shoving his seriousness down our throat?
Never forget the Onion’s post election headine, “Black Man get’s America’s shittiest job.”
a workaholic hermit grinning manically in a bunker
In which case they’d complain of his disdain for tourism and recreation(both necessities in today’s economy), mental health care, that he’s horribly out of touch the common man, etc. They’d probably also complain that he shows off his teeth too much in a country where many lack good dental care.
“a workaholic hermit grinning manically in a bunker”
Someone like this, then?
Wait, wait, I think I’ve got this whole mainstream media thing figured out.
“If Obama *[1], then *[2]”
Where [1] equates to anything like a proper *, and 2 equates to a negative criticism.
Like so.
“If Obama brings forth a more perfect union, then attack his grammar skills for supposing you can develop something more than perfect.”
Whatthehell is Fred Hiatt talking about? Obama *always* looks happier than Fred Hiatt does.
Why does Obama keep shoving his seriousness down our throat?
He knows how hard it is to laugh with your mouth full.
We STILL have yet to see the vault-copy of his Mirth Certificate, you know.
Well done.
Or would they prefer the good cheer that we associate with FDR or JFK, the jauntiness with which they took over the White House and made it theirs?
Key word here is associate. Hiatt is not concerned whether JFK and FDR were really radiating bonhomie and insouciance during their times in the job. If their recorded speeches are all serious-pants dourness, he doesn’t care. In his simple-minded world of pre-digested thoughts and one-arc narratives, “FDR” = “Cigarette holder at jaunty angle” and “JFK” = “Fucking Marilyn Munroe”.
Which is easier? Researching and reporting about the real world, or wandering unchecked through a garden of bright images?
I distinctly remember JFK cracking jokes with us when he told us about the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Yes, both he and FDR had good senses of humour and would display them often. And FDR took great pains to make sure he kept a positive attitude in public while addressing the nation during fireside chats and such.
But then you look at the speech he gave when Pearl Harbor was attacked. This economy has been ambushed much like the nation was on Dec 7, 1941. Why would anyone want a President who can crack jokes thru that?
Perhaps ferd would be impressed with Obama storming the deck of a carrier in a flight suit and declaring “Mission Accomplished”?
Fuck you Fred. This might be the wankinest wank in the history of wanks. To think that there are people out there who actually believe this kind of shit…
In the RSS feed I read that as Perhaps ferd would be impressed with Obama storming the deck of a carrier in a flight suit and declaring “Fuck you Fred.”
Hey Clyde, nice shout-out to Kai Lung!
The best “shorter” Fred Hiatt would be Fred without a head.
Do Americans really want to hear the tick of the old lighthouse clock? Or would they prefer the good cheer that we associate with FDR or JFK, the jauntiness with which they took over the White House and made it theirs?
Dude, people in your own party get apoplectic when my man Obama so much as puts his feet up on the desk or has anybody darker than Pat Boone over. And you’re saying the reason why you guys don’t like him is that he didn’t take over the White House jauntily enough?
Vaguely-related question: do you think there’s anything in the White House that LBJ didn’t rub his balls on, just to say he could?
It has been said that there are few situations in life that cannot be honourably settled, and without loss of time, either by suicide, a bag of gold, or by thrusting a despised antagonist over the edge of a precipice on a dark night.
“So tell me, Fred, do you regularly have sexual intercourse with your mother, or does everyone in DC call you ‘Hiatt the Motherfucker’ for some other reason?”
you mean blowed up real good?
just had to find some of of that Billy Sol… makes me fucking giggle…
Remember that video of Bush goofing around looking for those weapons of mass destruction? You know, the non-existent weapons of mass destruction that he used as an excuse to invade another country? I think that’s the kind of good-natured hijinx that Fred is looking for in vain from Obama.
Americans might find it easier to root for or with Obama if he’d show us, despite everything, that he’s happy we hired him.
Yeah, smile black man. In deference to the evil PC culture, we so deigned through the reverse racist affirmative action hiring system to let you have your job. Now show you’re grateful by outperforming Superman on speed and fixing everything and never ever complain or look worn down by the task.
What you aren’t spending all your days praising the master who rescued from darkest unchristian Africa, how dare you, you ingrate?!? I should have never given you this chance and they were right to mistrust you. Damn you inadequate black man, damn you.
Same damn song and dance for forever.
Not to mention how the rich really get stuck up on dominance. They don’t want to give equality or charity unless the recipients are groveling and grateful for whatever scraps are thrown their way. Oh, when you murder us for being queer, you’ll actually investigate our crimes while constantly whining that this scrap is a massive invasion of your right to repeatedly call for our deaths? Oh thank you, massa, you’s a good massa.
Given that the black people have been at the forefront of this callous bullshit for literally their entire history in this country and illicit the most inane backlash bullshit from white men who aren’t given their cookie for heavily resistant scraps of dignity and respect, yeah.
This is an old white man grumbling into his mug about his black boss, how he doesn’t really deserve it and how he could take away his job at any moment and how he never really deserved it because affirmative action, blah blah blah and then expecting a nice big blowjob because that resistance wasn’t enough to physically block him. Why does the big black boss not grovel and scrape before the workers smiling and apologizing and telling them they’re really in charge?
Because those days are gone and a black man is your boss, Fred. Now either get used to it or we’ll need to schedule a meeting with Human Resources.