Ain’t nobody here but us chickens
Holy crap! Did you know motherfucking Pat Boone writes a column for Newsmax? Not since Pat Sajak wimped out on his political blog have I read such ill-founded musings by a more unlikely celebrity commentator:
When I was just a kid growing up outside Nashville, we had chickens. Quite a lot of chickens, most of the time. We kids only partly understood why Mama and Daddy wanted all those chickens, usually in coops and behind fencing, but…
Uh, let’s skip ahead a bit. It kind of goes on like that for a while:
…a little spot of some kind would appear on the back or wing of one of the chicks. And as it hopped around, oblivious to the little mark on its exterior, another chick would spot the blemish – and peck at it. Other chicks would also spot the mark, and thinking it was a bug or something worth eating, would peck … [whirrrrrrr, deedle-eedle-eedle-garble-arble-eek] … other chicks would be spotted by flecks of blood and find themselves the new targets of the deadly pecking. A feeding frenzy would ensue, and other chicks got spotted and flecked – and the orgy of mindless cannibalism would continue till almost no chicks were left alive.
Speed it up, granddad:
What’s my point?
I feel I’m seeing this very process play out in our national life, our big American coop, today. It’s motivated not by physical hunger or primal forces of nature, but by partisan politics and deep-seated ideological differences. Activists on all sides of important questions circle and peer and … [whuuuuurrrrrrp-eedle-eedle-eedle-weng] … peck with a deadly intensity. And as they repeatedly hit the mark, others rush in and join the attack, quite often succeeding in demolishing, at least politically, their target.
Ugh. If only our political system weren’t so divergent. Perhaps someday a wise and benevolent ruling class will rise up and establish order where chaos now reigns. Only then can we harness our divinely granted national might to vanquish our foes, instead of stabbing one another in the back and squabbling like barnyard fowl. Alas:
Today, the chief “target chicks” are the president of the United States, his vice president and administration, and any of us who still believe our leaders may actually know more than the average citizen and are diligently doing their best to protect our national interests and, indeed, all of us citizens.
In lieu of snark, I’m-a defer here to the inimitable James Ingram:
“I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough…”
When challenged, the attackers so often resentfully respond: “Hey, this is a free country! I can speak my mind and criticize our president if I want. I think he’s a dumb jerk anyway, and I totally disagree with virtually everything he says and does. Hey – are you questioning my patriotism?”
And we’ve fallen into the habit of assuring the attacker we’d never do that, that we respect his right to express himself, and we’re sure he’s just as patriotic as we are.
Can you imagine? Frankly, I can’t believe Pat Boone would just sit there and take that kind of crap. I mean, from a bunch of foul-mouthed, frizzy-haired hippies.
Well, wait a minute. [Ed. note: Oh, snap!]
Respectful disagreement is one thing. Reasoned argument, based on actual facts and not rigged half-truths, is fine. Even beneficial and stimulating. But wild-eyed, irresponsible assaults on the character and intelligence and personal motives of our commander in chief – while we’re in a war and trying to hold our allies at our side – is, to me, decidedly unpatriotic!
Exactly. Rigged half-truths are the exclusive domain of the ruling class.
Now check this shit out. Pat Boone puts on his Captain America fringed jumpsuit and strikes up the band for a rousing conclusion, arguing that what happened at Abu Ghraib was bad, but reporting it was worse. Working up to a fever pitch, he cites widely discredited “evidence” that Saddam possessed and hid weapons of mass destruction which might still be used. Then, while the funky drummer plays on, he breaks it down for us:
Could there be bias? Could there be such prejudiced ideological blindness that the truth is buried in favor of more pecking at our leadership? What do you call that? “Patriotism”? I don’t think so …
Because the evidence is so overwhelming that a legitimate defense of Western Civilization, indeed civilized society itself, is at hand, when people put their political prejudices ahead of our country’s safety – while we’re at war – they do demonstrate a failure of patriotism. Such people might as well stop saying “Don’t question my patriotism,” as if it has magical power to shut the rest of us up.
But isn’t questioning someone’s patriotism intended to make them shut — Oh. I understand. Freedom of speech works both ways: I have the freedom to speak and you have the freedom to shut me up. Gotcha.
You can’t wave a “peace sign” at me or still a majority of my fellow countrymen while our bravest young men and women are in armed conflict with crazed zealots determined to wipe us off the face of the earth, and call it patriotism.
I beg to differ.
I’ve gotta admit that, for all his flaws, Pat Boone is a better writer than Pat Sajak (oh, Jesus). But I just can’t shake the nagging feeling that I’ve read a better version this column before. I think it was written by Alan Keyes.
Jeez, Travis, you left out the best part of his story:
“We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ’em stories that don’t go anywhere — like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. “Now where were we? Oh yeah — the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”
Did Pat Boone just call the President a chicken?
Ah, it’s always Pat going on and on about those bloody chicks.
Did Pat Boone just call the President a chicken?
A baby chicken – with a blemish. How’s that supposed to inspire the Chinese to provide troops for Iran? Pat Boone should stick to…wait, who the hell is Pat Boone?
As much as I love his Gay Patriot outfit, I’ll always love this image best.
Pat, you are a traitor to the Constitution and to the nation. Shut the hell up.
Hot damn, that was easy! Not that it would work, nor do I mean it, as I’m one of those horrible chicks who believes in free speech. Bwok.
“But wild-eyed, irresponsible assaults on the character and intelligence and personal motives of our commander in chief – while we’re in a war and trying to hold our allies at our side – is, to me, decidedly unpatriotic!”
You’re so right, the Republicans were unpatriotic when they impeached Clinton over sex and accused him of wagging the dog when he bombed Iraq and Afghanistan and Sudan. Oh wait, you’re talking about Bush.
I really don’t get this conservative obsession with the fall of Western civilisation. To borrow an overused but extremely appropriate internet cliche, it really is like the underpants gnomes.
Step one: kill three thousand Americans by flying planes into buildings
Step two: ???
Step three: create a global caliphate!
Or… Step three: Prophet!
Uh, Pat? When you talk about “still a majority of my fellow countrymen” who follow GWB, what polls are you reading exactly?
I really wish we could put an end to this “wartime” bullshit. This is not a war. Not in any way. Look. “They” attacked us once, going on five years ago. Pretty big attack, too. In response we have invaded and occupied two countries, set up a system of concentration camps outside the US to avoid those pesky constitution issues, established an American military presence in some of the worst dictatorships in the world, rolled back civil rights including the de-facto elimination of the 4th ammendment, and used this excuse for who knows how many other movements toward a militarized society and a totalitarian police state. There is only three reasons why they can keep saying this is wartime. One, they say it, it must be true. Two, by invading and occupying countries, they actually STARTED a war–although in both cases the war is over and it’s either a guerrilla resistance movement or a civil war. Sorry, but it seems kind of cheesy to use the “we’re at war” excuse when WE started the war. And three, folks are afraid to examine the assertion critically for fear of of being slapped down for being pro-terrorist. But in every way, by every measure, economically, socially, historically, this is most certainly NOT a war….
mikey
Oh my, this barnyard of which Mr. Boone writes does sound like a terrifying and chaotic place.
Fortunately, I know of a few pigs with leadership skills. I’m sure they could have the whole farm whipped into shape in no time…
PB a defender of Western civilization? Aw, Piss Christ.
Any man who sings “Tutti Fruitti” that bad couldn’t be interested in chicks.
I really wish we could put an end to this “wartime� bullshit. This is not a war.
Is it a police action yet? Or does “Mission Accomplished” negate that?
So it’s a war when Bush is being “attacked” or we need to slaughter civilians, but it’s not so dangerous or bad–i.e. a war–when we say “bring the troops home”. Christ, I wouldn’t mind so much if they’d get their stories straight.
eeg. pat oughta go back to his leather days – at least he was amusing then…
So Boone uses a barnyard pecking frenzy to describe complaints about the administration and criticism of its policies.
Meanwhile, when anyone says, “Hey, maybe Bush isn’t perfect” or “Maybe Iraq wasn’t the cake walk they thought” or some such,
the other bloggers on the same site squawk “Terrorist!” “Bush-hater!” “LIE-beral!” “CLENIS!” “Intern them all!”
Who says irony is dead?
PB just passed his 72nd birthday and, while it pains me say this, it sounds like he may need help.
Pat, you were on fire back in the day (bless you, Otto Man, now please pass the eye-bleach), truly one awsome urn-uh-burnin-funk. But now you need to slow down, reach out, and enjoy the fruits of this great republic, like so many of our countrymen have managed to do.
I miss Pat Sajak’s blog. He was so well-informed… at least about how to spell things.
I just realized something – Sajak quit blogging about the same time that Pete M. did. Wonder what that means?
…us who still believe our leaders may actually know more than the average citizen and are diligently doing their best…
Based on the misunderwhelming intellectual heft of the current dysministration, I conclude from this quote that Mr Boone thinks the average citizen is dumber than a box of rocks. Elitist cobag! You’d think he’s from Taxachusetts or something, the land of homo nups statewide.
And just look at that outfit–that’s flag descration if I done ever saw it.
One of the man’s favorite songs has a line that perfectly sums up his and the Bushies’ mindset right now: Hush, little baby, don’t say a word, and never mind that noise you heard…
And by the way: Did Boone ever step in and try to stop his little barnyard massacres, or did he just sit back and watch, a la sWank re: Iraq?
Marita, you rock.
I’m wondering, to which “half-truths” does Mr. Boone refer? The ones that a handful of republicans believe that are refuted by people in the field (WMD are in Syria! Sadam met with Al Queda hijackers! Sadam was seeking Uranium! Joe Wilson’s made of green cheese!)?
I wish people would stop spouting “half-truths” too.
“Any man who sings “Tutti Fruittiâ€? that bad couldn’t be interested in chicks.”
I think Little Richard should be allowed to kick Pat in the crotch on national TV for what he did to that song.
Pat S. isn’t quite as stupid as Pat B. He (S) at least realizes that someone whose livelihood depends on being liked by others is ill-advised in making statements designed to piss off at least some of those others.
Activists on all sides of important questions
Except, of course, for activitists who take the same positions as Boone . . .
And just look at that outfit–that’s flag descration if I done ever saw it.
Wearing that outfit is only patriotic if you wear it while flying over the fountain at Caesar’s Palace.
Um, doesn’t Ken Kesey use the chick-pecking metaphor at the beginning of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? It’s been more than ten years since I read it, but I think McMurphy talks about the discussion group at the asylum in those terms.
P. Boo HAS to be gay! Look at his smashing outfits.
Y’know… for those of us out here in Orange-County-CA-Adjacent areas, this is nothing new. We get Pat’s ramblings on local channels, on HIS OWN channel (I think he still owns KDOC-56…), in the newspapers, on billboards, etc. At least this time he isn’t swinging his jesus around.
Shorter Pat Boone: Media reports on the failures of President Bush go against my preconceptions. This is obviously an example of bias…….. in the media.
I reckon he stole the chicken story from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest — try putting “Pecking Party” into Google, and you’ll get a whole bunch of Cliff’s Notes-type summaries of the same thing.
So P. Boo isn’t only losing his narrative steam mid-ramble, but he also plagiarizes? What a guy.
Isn’t there an expiration date on old white men where we are officially allowed to throw them off a cliff? Or was that just in that show Dinosaurs? They were so advanced.
I’m soooo glad that the picture of the P-Boo got bigger.
Psst…shouldn’t someone tell them their title code is borked?
Isn’t there an expiration date on old white men where we are officially allowed to throw them off a cliff?
Hmmm. While I don’t reject this concept out of hand, I do think it needs some additional qualifying parameters. While I am neither as old or as white as Booney, I think I’d prefer it if we make it “old white COBAGZ!!!11!” just to be safe…
mikey
I like the Bosch barnyard background.
While I am neither as old or as white as Booney, I think I’d prefer it if we make it “old white COBAGZ!!!11!� just to be safe…
When a lot of white men get old, they become COBAGZ!!!11!!, so I don’t know how sound is your judgment. You could be turning into one of…them. Of course, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Any man that is a COBAG!!!11!!, is old, is white, and um…WEARS REALLY STUPID AMERICAN FLAG ATTIRE! Yup, those bastards annoy the shit outta me.
I guess that means all of Missippi and P. Boo are goin’ over the Grand Canyon.
tigrismus, I just smacked myself in the forehead so hard that my brains squirted out my nose. Looks as though I’ll have to become a Republican again. I’m beginning to hate myself already….
That’s Pat Boone? I thought it was Bob Eubanks.
khonsu, you are crackin me up in a very big way. Thanks for that!!
mikey
I think Bob Eubanks looks like Evel Knievel.
“when people put their political prejudices ahead of our country’s safety – while we’re at war – they do demonstrate a failure of patriotism.” Damn straight PB!Next thing ya know someone will blow the cover of one of our CIA agents fighting the war against terrorism,and then where in God’s Green Acres will we be?If you ask me it all started goin’ downhill in the ’60’s when these wild eyed damned kids started listening to Herman’s Hermits and doin the Mash Potato!
For those of you interested in having a few more larfs at Pat’s expense, World O’ Crap just did a review of Pat’s 70s “classic”, THE CROSS AND THE SWITCHBLADE, featuring Erik Estrada, in his skivvies, as a “gang banger.” No, really!