Two-Minute Townhall (a day late but not necessarily any shorter)
I may be climbing on rainbows but, baby, here goes.
Shorter Ann Coulter: You think you’re angry at illegal immigrants now? Just wait until they’re granted citizenship and are exempted from all the laws you so meekly obey.
Shorter William Perry Pendley: The extremists on the Ninth Circuit Court, like all liberals, wish to promote false gods like Allah and some rock in a national park, while banishing the one true faith of Christianity.
Shorter Megan Basham: It is with great regret that I inform you that X-Men: The Last Stand, one of the most successful openers of all time, cannot realistically be considered a conservative movie.
Shorter Patrick Hynes: Verily I say unto you that evangelical voters care about one issue, and one issue alone – and that’s subjugating gays.
Shorter Walter Williams: Don’t blame oil companies for high gas prices. Blame penguins and Democrats, who are hypocrites.
Shorter Thomas Sowell: The poor would basically cease to exist if the liberal media stopped perpetuating the myth of their existence.
Shorter Jonah Goldberg: A majority of Americans are political extremists.
Shorter Michelle Malkin: It’s unfortunate, if true, that our Marines killed a few Iraqi civilians to prevent the jihadists from killing civilians, as is their wont.
Shorter David Limbaugh: Dictatorial political moderates would allow our nation to degenerate into a third-world cesspool in order to appease liberal extremists. And it isn’t racist to say that.
Shorter John Stossel: Forget Enron. The biggest fraud in American history is the Congressional Record.
Shorter Brent Bozell: Under the cover of darkness, the liberal media have already elected Hillary Clinton president.
Shorter Ben Shaprio: The alleged killing of civilians by Marines may be horrible, sure, but it certainly isn’t newsworthy.
Shorter Tony Blankley: This is no time for the president and congressional Republicans to fall out of lockstep on political issues (urp), or even so-called constitutional ones.
Shorter Terence Jeffrey: It is a supreme irony that we’re importing Mexican workers to fill a shortage created by legalized abortion.
Shorter Linda Chavez: Now that you mention it, Hawaiians do have skin as brown as any Mexican’s.
Shorter Jacob Sullum: As much as it pains me to say it, I think Congress should be concerned about the president violating the Constitution in the name of national security.
Shorter Frank Gaffney: I’ll bet we can bring Iran to its knees by withdrawing American investment. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just bomb them.
Shorter Paul Greenberg: Like any business-related topic, all you need to understand high gas prices is a cursory knowledge of Economics 101.
You are a GOD of comedy. Hilarious! but painful to think you had to wade through this dross to convert it into gold.
You are my laffter king.
How do you guys do it? How do you read these columns and then distill them to their essences without going batshit crazy?
I just read the “two-minute” version of these columns and I have to fight the urge to start using meth.
How do you guys do it?
It’s actually pretty easy, as long as you do the meth before you start reading.
For your next assignment you’ve got to condense each column’s comments as well. You think Townhall writers are a bunch of codshead loobies, check out their fanbase….
Well thanks for this. I can’t do it; I can’t read those things. I think it requires an open-mindedness and an appreciation for absurdity that disappears around 35. Besides..all the lying is depressing. How do these people live with themselves?
This fact is, ortho_bob, that I’ve got a half-assed plan to write something about the comments. I just have to do some research first (not kidding).
Penguins frolicking on Alaska’s coastal plain? Somebody send Walter E. Williams (the E is for Eeeegnorant!) a clue. Speaking of which, here’s a funny article from the Anchorage Press last September:
I think we should all walk up to Walter Williams and say “penguin.”
Oh, gosh, Dan’s post made me go read the Williams piece. Maybe the shorter should say “Alaskan penguins” to give the real tenor of Williams’ opus, as it were.
…I’ve got a half-assed plan to write something about the comments.
Travis, I’m thinking a task of this magnitude may require the participation of your entire ass. Like fighting fire with fire, you see.
The only sovereign of the Hawaiian peoples in 1893 was Queen Liliuokalani, but that won’t stop some 400,000 people claiming special privileges under this bill.
That sounds pretty sovereign to me, since she also had a royal palace and came from a line of sovereign rulers. Heck, other abrorginal groups less organized then the Hawaiians have sovereigity still have sovereignity. I wonder what she feels about their special privileges.
From Megan Basham’s X-Men III movie review:
Example: given the obvious threat mutant powers pose to regular mortals, it seems quite sensible that the government would try to contain, if not eradicate, the gene responsible for the X-Men’s god-like gifts.
That sound you hear is Ayn Rand weeping in hell.
(At one point during the movie my husband leaned over and whispered, “Ratner knows that being gay isn’t a superpower, doesn’t he?�)
Spoken like someone who’s never noticed the ubiquity of lycra and leather in the secretive “superhero” sub-culture.
What a sad little slog of a review, but I have to agree with her on one point- X-Men III is the gayest movie I’ve seen since Brokeback Mountain.
The Megan Basham comments are unintentionally hilarious! In at least one rightist perception, the mutants are persecuted Christians who must hide in fear from the outside world. Angel’s father is like an atheist who discovers that his son has the wings of Christ, and…
[spoiler alert!]
Angel later saves his father, as our hero the commenter hopes to save his own atheist father.
[/spoiler alert]
And they are up in arms about TEH GAY!!!1! as usual. (For those who don’t know, the X-men started out in the 60s as an allegory about racial tolerance. As we have defeated racism, the subtext has now merged to homosexuals.) Also, Magneto is Nancy Pelosi. Or something.
Megan Basham is a film critic for Townhall.com.
Megan Basham is the architecture critic for the West Pokeydunk County Shopper’s News.
Dammit, Choadwick, stop stealing my thunder!
It is with great regret that I inform you that X-Men: The Last Stand, one of the most successful openers of all time, cannot realistically be considered a conservative movie.
***X-MEN SPOILERS***
The shit it isn’t. The whole story revolves around some uppity bitch who’s too powerful for her own good, so benevolent white patriarch who “knows what’s best” invades her body and takes away her self determination and choice. And in the end (because this simply cannot end any other way) the uppity bich must die a horrible and tragic death at the hands of some other white dude who purportedly loves her and also “knows what’s best.”
Sounds like modern conservatism to me.
The shit it isn’t. The whole story revolves around some uppity bitch who’s too powerful for her own good, so benevolent white patriarch who “knows what’s best� invades her body and takes away her self determination and choice. And in the end (because this simply cannot end any other way) the uppity bich must die a horrible and tragic death at the hands of some other white dude who purportedly loves her and also “knows what’s best.�
Sounds like modern conservatism to me.
Well, you know, dressed like that, she was asking for it….
Jonah Goldberg: Working for more than three hours at a time is extreme.
Casalina, I respectfully disagree. I think the movie presents those outcomes negatively, not as something to be emulated. Both Prof. X and Wolverine express regret for their actions, and I think there’s another moral ambiguity present to make any liberal proud.
Well, you know, dressed like that, she was asking for it….
If only she had gone with daddy to that mutinity ball…and pledged before Charles Xavier and the Great Spaghetti Monster to save her awesome super powers for her husband’s sole proprietary use on their wedding night. A great tragedy could have been averted.
enough moral ambiguity.
…I’ve got a half-assed plan to write something about the comments.
I salute you in advance, sir. Don’t forget your snorkel, waders and extra-strength Tylenol. There’s stuff down there that needs special tongs.
Oh man, did you go to the last mutinity ball? It was off the hook!
The parody of Jacob Sullum might have been funny if he had ever argued in support of the Bush administration. Sullum’s a libertarian and libertarians are generally disgusted with this administration and its war overseas and at home on the privacy of U.S. citizens.
Basham’s column is a farce, to be sure, but credit where credit’s due: I watched the first two X-Men films several times apiece and never realized that the “x-gene” was analogous to the “gay gene.” To see that sort of subtext – hold on, that’s actually idiotic as well. Never mind.
I do love how she claims that the political content is “childishly clear” and displays a “bull-in-a-china-shop approach”, then ends by saying that “non-politically-minded viewers” (i.e. people whose jobs don’t involve falsely inferring political content into every movie they see) won’t notice.
Ben,
I respectfully disagree with your respectful disagreement. Xavier never seemed (at least to me – maybe I missed that particular epiphany) to come around to the fact that what he had done had directly contributed to the outcome. Self-fulfilling prophecy – the perils of pre-emption yadda yadda yadda. He might have regretted that what he did was “necesary” – but right up until the end he kept taking the same tack with her, which was a huge mistake.I suppose you could argue (and maybe you are) that it becomes obvious to the audience that this was wrong, but I think it was shown more in the light of “you see, Xavier was right – she really can’t handle it and now she must die or civilization itself will be destroyed.” Hence Wolverine having to do what he did.
And yeah he was real tore up about it (complete with Van Helsing-esque howl of grief into the uncaring sky) but he was Man enough to do What Needed to be Done, and so he gets to move on and re-occupy the space of brooding, loner hero for the upcoming Wolverine movie. Which, don’t get me wrong, I cant wait to see. I do love me some Wolverine.
But seriosuly, can we please retire the damn “uppity bitch dies a horrible and tragic death for being uppity and subverting the status quo” storylines aready? It pissed me off the first time I noticed it (in Butterfield 8 ) and apparently I haven’t sweetened up on it any. And while we’re at it, ditch the horrifically cliched cry of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO” when the hero discovers the love of his life is dead. If I never see that again as long as I live, it will be too soon.
Where’d all these X-egetes come from? God, I’m having nerd overload.
Sullum’s a libertarian and libertarians are generally disgusted with this administration and its war overseas and at home on the privacy of U.S. citizens.
Yeah! I mean sure, the quickest way to dodge being held accountable for being a war-mongering fraidycat who wants free access to guns and no access to contraception/pornography/whatever violently offends the precious sensibilities without being a Republican is to call yourself a libertarian, but libertarians are generally disgusted with this administration and its war overseas and at home on the privacy of U.S. citizens.
Yeah! I mean sure, the quickest way to dodge being held accountable for being a war-mongering fraidycat who wants free access to guns and no access to contraception/pornography/whatever violently offends the precious sensibilities without being a Republican is to call yourself a libertarian, but libertarians are generally disgusted with this administration and its war overseas and at home on the privacy of U.S. citizens.
Probably true in a lot of cases, Patkin, but if you actually read anything by Sullum, you’d know he’s basically (a) against the war and (b) just as in favor of free access to contraception and pornography as he is to guns. I mean, the guy wrote a book called “Saying Yes: In Defense of Drug Use,” for Christ’s sake.
Casalina,
I respectfully disagree with…okay, I’ll get to the point. I think maybe you’re right, and I was just inferring what I know of Prof. X from the comic book, fanboy that I am. Prof is always presented as the hero of the book (which admittedly I haven’t read in a while, so cut me some slack and fill me in if I leave out any pertinent details), struggling to do what’s right in a morally ambiguous (I keep using that word) world. I think the point was that Xavier was right about her not being able to control her power, not because of her gender, but because it was too much for anyone to control. (Perhaps there’s even a feminist message there, since the most powerful mutant is female.) Also, Wolverine killing her was a combination of another story in the comic book about him having to kill his lover Mariko because she’d been poisoned. And yes, Wolvie is teh 4w3s0m3, and I’m totally looking forward to the upcoming movie.
I do agree though that the wail into the uncaring sky (can I steal that? that’s good) is overdone. And as far as killing off characters, they do it in comic books and moview about comic books all the time, regardless of gender. And it’s usually some sort of noble self-sacrifice. And some bitter friend/family is left behind brooding, with Significant Consequences on the horizon.
And M de M, we’ll geek out if we want to! So there.
I hereby declare tag season open.
Hmm, Googling his writings, Sullum actually doesn’t appear to be as bad as the typical TownHall denizen. Maybe we should understand it as “As much as it pains TownHall for me to say it…”
Sullum’s a libertarian and libertarians are generally disgusted with this administration and its war overseas and at home on the privacy of U.S. citizens.
Yeah! I mean sure, the quickest way to dodge being held accountable for being a war-mongering fraidycat who wants free access to guns and no access to contraception/pornography/whatever violently offends the precious sensibilities without being a Republican is to call yourself a libertarian, but libertarians are generally disgusted with this administration and its war overseas and at home on the privacy of U.S. citizens.
Good point, except that libertarians are pacifists who are generally in favor of abundant contraception, pornography and offensiveness. But we’ll take the free access to guns!
Alternate shorter Goldberg: Words — like “extreme” — can’t possibly have different meanings dependent on context.
How did they get Sullum to write for Townhall anyways?
Was it the free Valium day?
Or do they just steal from Reason?
Yo, someone needs to close italics here…
[bonks head on desk]
There.
You guys deserve all that crazy sex that those wingnuts don’t want you to have. Right in their mailroom. With that one cute redheaded girl with whom little Shapiro (which is funny I say that, since he’s older than I am) can’t seem to first base.
I’ve got a half-assed plan to write something about the comments.
If you do, Travis, here’s an album to inspire you.
The legislation is a marked departure from the government’s treatment of legitimate Indian tribes, which must produce evidence to show that they have been in continuous existence since 1900 and have kinship and marriage, as well as cultural or religious, patterns that are distinctive. Indian tribes must also prove that their membership is based on historical tribes that have functioned as a political entity in the past — none of which will be required for Native Hawaiians.
Dude… what the fuck? Hawaians have that shit in spades. If anything, they’re one of the most qualified peoples to be included in that act.
I would assume that it’s not required because it’s fucking obvious to anybody who has ever even heard of Hawai’i that the people there meet that standard.
And I love how we white people are perfectly within our rights to form a sovereign state, and kick out odd-coloured foreigners, but if the Hawaians do the exact same thing it’s a travesty.
And don’t even get me started on that douchebag whinning about how white people can’t steal indian religious sites and fuck them up. How do you think he would like it if the government took his church by eminent domain and bulldozed the building?
God-damned racists.
And don’t even get me started on that douchebag whinning about how white people can’t steal indian religious sites and fuck them up. How do you think he would like it if the government took his church by eminent domain and bulldozed the building?
Shit, the Black Hills in one of those Dakotas is right on an Indian burial site, and a bunch of white motherfuckers stuck some white fucking heads on the mountain faces just to stare down on the graves of the deceased Indians.
Come to think of it, didn’t we white folk basically just steal the entire state of Hawaii from underneath the natives’ feet at gunpoint? I don’t even think any of the Western countries had declared jurisdiction over the property yet.
I watched the first two X-Men films several times apiece and never realized that the “x-geneâ€? was analogous to the “gay gene.â€? To see that sort of subtext – hold on, that’s actually idiotic as well. Never mind.
Um. Yeah, see, that whole scene with Iceman and his family in X-Men 2 was pretty much a coming-out scene. It wasn’t even remotely subtle, and director Bryan Singer — himself gay — while not beating audiences over the head with the mutant=gay theme per se, surely expected audiences to get it.
Man, I wish Nancy Pelosi was Magneto!
“Well, Mr. Boehner, you make a good point about CAFE standards, but…”
[a Hummer H2 flies through the House chamber, and flattens the Majority Leader–all the more impressively, it uses no gasoline in doing so]
The House proceeds to vote to raise gas milage standards….
“Come to think of it, didn’t we white folk basically just steal the entire state of Hawaii from underneath the natives’ feet at gunpoint? I don’t even think any of the Western countries had declared jurisdiction over the property yet.”
Yeah, Clinton apologized on behalf of the United States to Hawaii back in 1996 on the anniversary of annexation. We still get to keep it, though, so that’s cool.
Hee, Dan Someone beat me to the whole “No penguins in Alaska!” shouting. So, instead, I’ll rag on the fact that the guy used ‘your’ when he should have used ‘you’re’.
Moving on…
Indian tribes must also prove that their membership is based on historical tribes that have functioned as a political entity in the past — none of which will be required for Native Hawaiians.
Oh my God, this woman is a raving lunatic! After reading the article, it’s obvious that the legislation in question is merely granting Hawaiian Natives the same status as Alaskan Natives — surely something she’d hyperventilate over were it to happen today. What a fuckwit.
Libertarians get a pass when they can demonstrate that they voted against Bush at least once. Otherwise, however much opposed to the war and the restrictions of civil rights they may be, they still think lower taxes trump all that.
Your other principles don’t count for much if you’re willing to sell them for tax cuts.
Libertarians get a pass when they can demonstrate that they voted against Bush at least once.
I believe most did vote against him at least once. The vast majority of whom did so the second time.
Speaking of X3. that was my project for the night–to take that steaming pile in so that you, the innocent SadNo audience don’t have to. Actually, it was less a steaming pile than an inert one. As far as comic-based movies so far this year go, V For Vendetta was head-and0shoulders above X-Men in every way, from performances to costumes to production values. X3 was edited very randomly, with cuts from one scene to another occurring in the oddest places. Leaving aside any deficiencies of plot, what’s good and what isn’t–
Good: Magneto. Mystique (what little screentime they give her). The scene between Iceman and Pyro in front of the
abortion clinicmutation cure clinic. Surprisingly, Juggernaut (though I still hate the way he looks). The opening scene with “de-aged” Professor X and Magneto visiting teenaged Jean Grey. The counterpart scene later with Phoenix. Goodly portions of the Golden Gate/Assault on Alcatraz sequence (but not all of it!). Kelsey Grammer’s performance as Beast (the makeup and wire-work, OTOH… meh). Breaking Mystique out of custody. Multiple Man (well, his 2 scenes, anyway).The Bad: Star Trek: TNG’s Holodeck’s cameo as the freaking Danger Room. Sorry, Fox, I’m sure that “It’s all holographic!” seemed cool to you, but frankly, it’s ass. Danger Room = Big Honkin’ Machines and Robots. Real robots, not some half-assed Simu-entinal. Feh on that! Ambiguous, off-screen deaths *ahem*. Jean Grey–why, exactly, did you bring Jean back if you weren’t gonna really use her? And, call her what you will, but that was no Phoenix that I saw. Ugh. And tween romantic triangles–yecch! I really have no idea what Bobby Drake was supposed to be up to r/e Rogue and Kitty Pride. Admittedly, teens are emotionally unstable horndogs, but it was pretty incoherent. And, though I’ve mentioned Jean, her “climactic” scene was… lame. No Nightcrawler. Magneto’s fate (just weak). Xavier’s fate (and I am talking about the post-credits sequence here). A lot of the effect and wire work were dicy at best (way too much cheap-looking CG smoke/fog. bleah). The plot, on the whole, was painfully inartful. And Angel (who is never referred to as “Angel,” as far as I can tell)… why, exactly was he in this movie? To swoop in and save his dad after making what was doubtlessly a hypersonic transcontinental flight. Useful! He barely interacts with our existing characters. There’s more, but you get the idea.
you and me both, mal de mer. so many nerds in one place is kind of off putting.
Sullum’s a libertarian and libertarians are generally disgusted with this administration and its war overseas and at home on the privacy of U.S. citizens.
I saw the post at Hit & Run.
I’m curious: Are these the same libertarians who, in hit and run, endorsed Samuel “All Your Uterus Are Belong To Us” Alito because they thought he’d be teh shit on eminent domain specifically and property rights in general? Are these the same libertarians who, in hit and run, posted a photo essay in which they conveyed the profound libertarian truth that cops beating hippie protesters must be a laff-riot? Are these the same libertarians whose former editor of Reason, Matt Welch, was one of the biggest Instapundity anti-idiotarians — meaning, that he he spent more time and energy bashing the powerful and pernicious lefties Noam Chomsky and Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag than he could manage for the poor poor good-faith-acting, constitution-guarding Bush Administration?
Yeah, tell me about how we should be so fair to such principled libertarians.
How did they get Sullum to write for Townhall anyways?
It’s called syndication. Jacob writes the articles, Townhall and other outlets choose to purchase them, or not.
Are these the same libertarians who, in hit and run, posted a photo essay in which they conveyed the profound libertarian truth that cops beating hippie protesters must be a laff-riot?
This posted on a blog that has: “Rope. Tree. Conservative. Some Assembly Required” as a suggested t-shirt. How accepting of different views you are.