It’s about time this nation respected the 10th amendment again, owing its existencehood to states’ rights and freedom and free markets, free people, and common-sense Main Street solutions.

Dear NRI,

as the great visionary Posada recognized already 50 years ago, the only real solution to all our problems is nuclear war.

With regrets,
Central Committee
Revolutionary Workers Party (Trotskyist – Posadist)

800?! Damnit, K-Lo, I thought you were a real American, not some Inny-lectual! Real Americans only need 3. Specifically, these 3: Kill brown people.

I call real Jonah.

Actually I think you need 5 words — Kill brown people and libruls.

in a competition designed to promote creative new thinking.

But doesn’t that go against the most central core tenets of conservatism, especially at the NRO? I mean we know that thinking is verboten, and nothing new is ever allowed. As for that creative thing, I will simply direct you to Brietbart on how that is going.

But Marion, brown people is libruls, because they live off the government dole and are a socialism. Central to my point.

PS from Jonah:

Also, K-Lo, remember how you were telling me how much you wanted an Apple tablet when they come out? Was talking to some techie types the other day and they were all, it’s going to cost $1,005. Ouch! Just thought you’d want to know …

Constitutionalists, in my experience, tend to believe that the First Amendment establishes Christianity as a basis for law, that the Second Amendment has nothing at all to do with well-regulated militias or the security of free states, that the Fourth Amendment says the NSA has the power to wiretap whoever it wants and should answer to no court, that the Fifth and Sixth Amendments say terrorists will receive no due process of law at all unless their were neo-fascist militias from Idaho in which case they should be set free, that promoting the general welfare is not one of the powers enumerated to the government, and that if Strom Thurmond’s views had been deferred to in the 1940s then we wouldn’t have all these problems today.

With those few, minor caveats, Constitutionalists dearly love the Constitution.

You supply the right, baby,
I’ll supply the guns
You supply the right, baby,
I’ll supply the guns

I see four horsemen in the sky,
It makes me turn and wonder why
I hear the same old liberal reasons,
Must be the changin’ of the seasons

You supply the right, baby,
I’ll supply the guns
You supply the right, baby,
I’ll supply the guns

No wars without Congress actually declaring war.

Supply side tax cuts are a good start, but I think they don’t go far enough in entrenching upper class priviledge, surely we can implement some kind of poverty tax to stop the trade unionists and negroes from benefitting from any of these reforms.

yours truly,
Milton Friedman’s rotting corpse, .esq

Strict reading of Art I, Sec 8: To raise and support Armies, but no Appropriation of Money to that Use shall be for a longer Term than two Years

No more weapons systems that can’t be provided from initial funding in 2 years. That’ll fuck up the M-I complex.

Malaclypse, I see the problem here. You’re taking this all too seriously. While what you propose certainly does on its face conform to the letter and spirit of the Constitution, that’s not at all what the folks at NRI are after. They’d much prefer a requirement that all candidates for POTUS produce a long-form live birth certificate

Dear NRI,

As a Christian who believes in the sanctitity of life, I support mandatory euthanization of the poor. This will lift America out of its dark (ha ha) age and back to Glory.

Yours,
Christian Soldier

Ooooh, ooooh, Felonious Monk — I think I can use that syllogism thingy or some such I heard tell of once upon a time:

All brown people are liberals.
Not all liberals are brown people.
Kill the leftover libruls…

Wait, that’s not how that thingy went…

More suggestions that the Founders would approve of:

— All wagon wheels shall be fashioned to a uniform specification

— Quills used in government affairs shall primarily be sourced from geese above all other foul, with duck feathers used only when such geese-sourced implements are unavailable

— Any excise tax on wig powder or relevant tariff shall be declared unconstitutional

Recruit Chuck Norris to lead a strict constructionist Delta Force to bring back the Constitution from exile. We can do this!

Dear Kathryn Jean Lopez,

I never thought I’d be writing to you, the stories featured in the Corner seem like they happen in a completely different world, instead of to regular guys like myself. That all changed last night when I had the most amazing encounter with a very strict construcionist who knew how to get a rise out of the electoral body.

I’m with DrDick, what’s this “creative” “new thinking?” America needs JESUS + NOTHING!!!!11!! Get it strait, damm RINOs!!1!

Dear Kathryn Jean Lopez:

No fat beaver

The MGT

Dear K-Lo,

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms.

My favorite:

Restore the original intent of the 2nd Amendment – you can have whatever kinds of guns you want, as long as they’re all muzzle-loading unrifled black powder types.

a new way of arguing that will help shape public opinion and create the conditions for reform

“SHUT UP, THAT’S WHY!”

Well, we’ve got the bones of other failed ideas to pick through:

* Balanced budget amendment
* Kill the department of education
* Same-sex marriage prohibition
* Different-race marriage prohibition
* Drop out of the UN
* Flat tax
* Privatize social security
* Bring back debt slavery
* Hell, just like above, but throw out the “debt”

Dunno, maybe some combo of the above will win the contest. Unless there’s some new even-crazier thing to come.

America needs JESUS + NOTHING!!!!11!! Get it strait, damm RINOs!!1!

Our Lord is always revealing himself to us in new ways. He can be very creative with a trench coat.

Ooh, and I forgot fighting against fornication and sodomy. Those are always a hit

Dear Kathy,

bring back Serfdom,

your

A.Patriot

Speaking of constitutional prohibitions against stuff, you know what ought to be next?

If our Lord wasn’t testing us, how would you account for the proliferation, these days, of this obscene rock and roll music, with its gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality?

I know a good way to reduce the size goverment.

See, right now there are two parties. You could slash goverment in half by cancelling one of them, right?

An since democratic party sure isn’t canceling itself, the republicans could effectively cut goverment this way.

Is it too much to hope this would be printed?

Push for the passage of the Ladies STFU Act.

An since democratic party sure isn’t canceling itself,

Could have fooled me

Substance – Are you up there without a net? You know what happened to the Flying Graysons…

nO tAllyViShun PerOMpt00ds!!! hAhAHa, tHeN ObiMMy wuLL B in tR0uBuLL!!!

Dear NRO,

My idea is to have the five conservative justices whose brains are currently being controlled by parasitoid wasps rule that the 16th amendment was not properly ratified, and thus eliminate the income tax.

Judging by their recent performances, the conservative majority will not only invalidate the 16th, but they’ll call the litigants back to testify as to the legitimacy of several other amendments that have been bugging them. Maybe we can get them to relegalize slavery by invalidating everything done during reconstruction.

Rush won’t have to buy an NFL franchise, he’ll just be able to buy the players! Problem solved.

You know what happened to the Flying Graysons…

The constitution was altered letting them wear even tighter tights? THE FOUNDERS WOULD NOT HAVE APPROVED.

Substance McGravitas wins 12 internets for the Ladies STFU Act.

Three words: Purity of Essence

Strict construction of the Second Amendment would end the restriction on the right to bear nuclear arms. I challenge anyone to find a faster way to smaller government than private ownership of The Bomb.

Or along the lines most founding fathers that wingnuttia would have sided with,
“Dear King George, We surrender.”

Dear NRO,

I think it is high time that the “conservative” movement stop shilling for that silly leftist “germ theory” of disease and push to restore American medicine back to the traditional four humors that God intended.

“Germ theory” is listed nowhere in the constitution, and is leading America down the path to socialism, by making people want to see doctors when they are sick because they no longer kill them by bleeding them. This must be stopped so a proper level of terror of medicine is restored the way the founders intended.

Just resurrect those founding fuckers and blow them already.

We should certainly start with the repeal the 19th amendment, of course.

If leeches were good enough for General Washington, they are good enough for us.

Dear Kathryn Jean Lopez:

No Lopezes.

Thanks.

Dear Kathryn Jean Lopez:

Republican members of the house and senate should push for funding into basic particle research. With knowledge of the fundamental laws of the universe will come the ability to manipulate the very fabric of time and space, thus allowing us to travel back to April 14th 1865 and present John Wilkes Booth with a tasteful gift basket in commemoration of a job well done.

Yours, etc.

– All wagon wheels shall be fashioned to a uniform specification

Also they should turn backwards, like on all those old John Wayne documentaries.

I keep listening to the rock ‘n’ roll.

Where the hell is my easy sexuality?

Someone’s double-dipping.

the five conservative justices whose brains are currently being controlled by parasitoid wasps

“Parasitoid wasps”?

Now, is that a nice thing to say about Tom DeLay?

Also they should turn backwards, like on all those old John Wayne documentaries.

They didn’t REALLY turn backwards. It was because of the camera tech, you see they filmed the part in slower speed and backwards because the horses were easier to get moving backwards. They just turned the play direction and sped it up, but in round object like the wheel you can see the original backward rotation direction.

Dear K-Lo:

The surest way to preserve the strict interpretation of the Constitution is to ensure that Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and that other guy who tags along with them do not die. Thus, I urge the AEI, Federalist Society, and the Club for Growth to invest in life-support systems that can keep disembodied brains alive in a nutrient solution for an indefinite period of time. If you wish to learn more about the technology needed to build these “brain jars”, please send $19.95 to ***REDACTED***.

Very truly yours,
Someone muy importante

What is it with these “50” states anyway? As far as I understand it, there are only 13 real states, plus the Great Nation of the Old Confederacy, and also Alaska, and maybe Wyoming.

“Dear King George, We surrender.”

Frankly, that seems to be more of a Democratic strategy these days.

Dear Ms KiLo Ton,

All pork projects awarded to the states shall be awarded in actual pork(ers) such pork(ers) to be delivered to the various state capitals on foot by that state’s Congressional delegation. The pork(ers) will there be auctioned off and or barbecued by the respective state legislature.

You might also consider having all lobbyist donations made in kind. For example, the pharmaceutical lobby would donate to Congress by distributing pills to my (redacted) but only if they are psychotropic enjoyable.
Insincerely,
Ben Hyerdenu

I’m going to send in the ever-popular suggestion that all elected officials should be forced by law to wear sponsor stickers showing who funds them.

It’s bi-partisan, but I doubt Congress will go for it.

“What is it with these “50? states anyway? As far as I understand it, there are only 13 real states, plus the Great Nation of the Old Confederacy, and also Alaska, and maybe Wyoming.”

While you’re at it, see if you can get them to give Texas back to Mexico.

I’m introducing the “60 Project” – 10 Commandments Amendments + 50 States.

“I’m going to send in the ever-popular suggestion that all elected officials should be forced by law to wear sponsor stickers showing who funds them.”

AKA, “the NASCAR” rule. If it’s good enough for Junior, it’s good enough for everyone else.

Dear K-Lo and the NRO,

Given the degree to which Congress is able to hide behind the “commerce clause” in usurping power from the states, to ensure the balance between state and federal power intended by the framers, we must make sure interstate commerce decreases until it reaches the level of interstate commerce that occurred back in 1800. Also corporations, which many key framers did not really like, need to be banned. In general, in order to restore the state of government power to the balance intended by the framers, we must return to the economic conditions prevalent in the late 1700s. Bu-bye industrial revolution!

Sincerely,
Herr Professor Doktor Bunnypants

a new way of arguing that will help shape public opinion and create the conditions for reform

Dear K-Lo:

Perhaps interpretive dance is the best way to convey the tenets of our movement (HA!) to the people.

Terpsichorean Corybant

One word: INCORPORATE.

As a corporation you will be able to raise the money you need for “face time” with political figures, in order to convince them you are indispensable, and therefore entitled to federal funding, which will in turn buy more politicians and “face time,” etc.

And best of all, $2010 would just about cover the fees for the corporate formalities! We’d like that in unmarked $10 bills, please.

Dear Kathryn Jean Lopez:

Have lots of wonderful Republican babies.

Yours, etc.

Dear K-Lo: Some people believe there should be a literacy requirement to vote. That is unAmerican. I think there should be a literacy requirement to RUN for office. Also a math quiz and a multiple-choice History Quiz. Plus: the person running for office must be able to quote ALL the 10 Commandments, and not snicker at the “neighbor’s ass” part.

How about Native Born, White Men with considerable property (like a plantation) should be allowed to vote. That is pretty much what the Founders wanted.

How about ONLY etc. etc. I guess the thread has unraveled.

Also: Unraveled can be spelled with one or two “l’s”. Fact.

Allow me:

Have lots of wonderful Republican Down Syndrome babies.

a practical step to promote the restoration of the federal government to its constitutional dimensions.

The exact constitutional dimensions, as I recall, are 28 3/4 inches by 23 5/8 inches x 4. I suggest rolling up the parchments, stuffing them into one of those Space storage bags, attaching the vacuum hose, and then sucking all the air out, much as our democracy has been asphyxiated.

You got it semi-right. Re-instate the 3/5th Clause and include hispanics under it purview. They may have been white folks when I was growing up, but they are definitely colored, now.

They’re only paying $2010 for a policy idea that could presumably deliver their party to mad-profitable success?!? Why, those cheap motherfuckers…

Dear K-Lo,

In recognition of the critical importance to America’s future of our Bloggers With Trust Funds Who Blog, my proposal is to make all personal income from Trust Funds and Blogging tax deductible. Also, too, to promote the next generation of Patriotic American Child Bloggers With Trust Funds my proposal would establish Trust Funds for all Patriotic Child Bloggers who are Natural Born US Citizens, so they may exercise their God-given right to blog patriotically. Oh, and it will be paid for by a 100% inheritance tax on the top 5% estates, so there’s that.

– Patriotic American Blogger

“While it would be unconstitutional now for black people to only have 3/5 of a vote, I don’t think there would be any constitutional conflict in giving white people 2 votes. That is almost as good!”

Dear KLo – seeing as how this is a census year, it is an opportune time to bring back the 3/5 rule. This rule was truly a testament to the wisdom and uncompromised principle of our Founding Fathers, and could really do wonderful things for diminishing the representation of the nation’s urban centers. The result would be more votes for Real Americans(tm), or, as I like to call them, the Decent Folk. Because otherwise, what do we really have to fight for? The hot dog, the Brooklyn Dodgers. Mom’s apple pie. That’s what everyone’s fighting for. But who’s fighting for the decent folk? Who’s fighting for more votes for the decent folk? There’s no patriotism, that’s what it is. And no matriotism, either.

Sincerely,
A. T. Tappman, Chaplain, U.S. Army

I found a walkthrough with the code words and made it to the end, turns out that the NRO essay contest is a cover for parts of Iron Mountain II, a Palin-related think tank document under consideration at the Chamber of Commerce :

We propose the establishment, under executive order of the Constitution, of a
permanent Reagan Research Agency, empowered and mandated to execute the programs described below. This agency will be provided with nonaccountable funds sufficient to implement its responsibilities and decisions at its own discretion, and will have authority to preempt and utilize, without restriction, any and all facilities of the executive branch of the government in pursuit of its objectives.

The Reagan Research Agency directorate will be drawn from the broadest practicable spectrum of scientific disciplines, theological studies, applied creative arts, military technologies, and classified occupations. It will be responsible solely to the Constitution, or to officers of the Constitution temporarily deputized. Its operations will be governed entirely by its own rules of procedure. Its authority will expressly include the unlimited right to withhold information on its activities and its decisions, from anyone including the President, whenever it deems such secrecy to be in the public interest.

The first of the Reagan Research Agency’s principal responsibilities will
be to determine all that can be known, including what can reasonably be
inferred in terms of relevant statistical probabilities, that may bear on an
eventual transition to a general condition of no government. Findings by the RRA may be considered to constitute the beginning of the end of government and will be furnished to Fox, along with whatever clarifying data is deemed necessary.

Reagan Research Agency’s activities will necessarily include but not be limited to creative development of possible substitute institutions, the testing and evaluation of substitute institutions, for acceptability, feasibility, and credibility, against hypothecated transitional and postgovernment conditions; and the testing and evaluation of the effects of the anticipated atrophy of
certain unsubstantiated functions.

Dear K-Lo and the NR daddies,

Have a new idea for abortions. Okay, the problem is that teh libruhls say that foetuseses are not people, and we need to tea-bag this idea.

The constitution is clear somewhere about the right to life, liberty and happy hunting, so Row v Wade is obviously wrong. As usual we have the original foudning fathers on our side, but we need foetuses’ to be official humans to destroy the hitler genocide of abortion.

So how to make them official? Easy. We need conseption certificates, vault copy. Whena woman goes to her gyno, she needs to register her baby straight up. Name, mom, dad, place of conseption. Easy. That’s what the gubmint is good for keeping lists of mulsims who mustnt fly and babies that must be born. Okay, maybe its a bit embarrassing for some people like me who would have “Applebees in Lafayette, La” on their certificate but my parents are libruhl pinheads so what could I do.

And then okay, so we have foetuss’ as vault copy people which you can’t argue with. So when Obambi’s death panels are set up we say okay fine you have your death panels and wimmin wanting an abortion must go to the panel and say why its okay to murder their foetus. You want a death panel stoopid libs! We’ll give you a death panel and stand history ath wart yelling stop! See what I did there.

Chek plz?

In my read of the pesky old Constitution, I see no mention of wars for profit, permanent standing military. . . ‘cepting the marines and a coastal defense, or globe-destroying arsenal of nuclear weapons.

G.W. (the one with the wooden teeth) disbanded the revolution’s international spy network (yes, we had one, and it was amazing) after the war. Since he’s like god the father or Saint Peter or whomever, and whatnot, oughtent we do the same as an extension of the dictates of the disciples of one true word? Axe the CIA, FBI and TIA.

I don’t see where people who bind themselves together in a legal partnership become a wholy new and different person (corporations) when married people or people in civil unions remain individuals without the rights of a corporation. I’d love to get me some ‘limited liability’ for all of the shit I’d do if I wouldn’t and couldn’t be held culpable beyond the amount of my original investment. “Honest to jeebus, it was the Blockhead Corporation that burned down that SCOTUS judge’s house.”

Dear National Review:

as a white male landowner i have many grievances, too many to enumerate in a short missive to your fine magazine.

but let’s forget that and keep it as simple as possible: i want my exclusive right to vote back.

yours

robert scrimshaw lockjaw mayflower green

If we went back to that counting all the non-white folk as 3/5ths of a human being, we could instantly reduce the number of terrorists by 40%.
That’s the Constitution in action!

Dear K-Lo,
I have a very simple, effective plan to effect an important reform that could save the republic.
First, call a summit meeting of conservative pundits and make sure all the big names like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh attend along with your entire staff, even the freelancers who are not on salary. You could hold the meeting at the NR offices or even some sort of conference hall and charge a nominal fee for admission if the movement’s rank and file want to come to see their leaders discuss the future of conservatism and America.
Second, hook the fire-sprinker feed line up to a tanker truck full of gasoline.
Third, chain the doors shut.
Four: reform.