Let’s just have Jonah do the visual aid, okay?
You know how, when you’re in grade school, you’re skimming through the “H” volume of the encyclopedia and the entry for the Hapsburgs catches your eye, so you decide to write your next history report about them? Apparently, it must’ve been awhile since Jonah Goldberg dusted off that old set of Groliers down in his mom’s basement:
The ghost of Erik Von Kuehnelt-Leddihn moves me to find a different, more sad, meaning in the Montenegro vote. This signals the true and final demise of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. When my decks are cleared, one of these days, I’m going to take up the cause of marshalling a “two cheers for the Hapsburgs” argument for NR. Certainly one can make the case that the 20th century would have been lovelier with it than without it.
There’s a good reason your teacher insisted that you list more than one source on your bibliography, even in the third grade — and it wasn’t just to reduce plagiarism:
Update: A couple readers offer the narrowly factual objection that neither Serbia nor Montenegro were part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. To which I say: this is precisely the sort of nuanced point my future defense of the Austro-Hungarian Empire would take into account! I do know that the Hapsburgs wanted the S&Ms in their empire — and they would have been lucky to be in it! Anyway, I shall hit the books harder before venturing further down this path.
Or perhaps he could find another outlet to express his boyish enthusiasm in those long-ago monarchs. I don’t wanna sound like a dork or anything, but I’ll bet Jonah’s collection of hand-painted Dungeons & Dragons figurines would look pretty fucking sweet in a diorama.
Not figurines — action figures.
“Mooooommmmmm!!!! More Cheetoz!!!!11!!3d6!!”
The Hapsburgs wanted S&M in their empire? Really?
My daughter paints fantasy miniatures you sanctimonius… Oh yeah, she’s 13. Still, once I lick this cheeto dust off, I’m totally gonna type a savage riposte.
I see a box of sugar cubes and styrofoam in his future.
How stupid do you have to be to get fired by NR?
Less stupid than to get hired, I guess.
Yeah it sure would be great to have those inbred, hemophiliac, insane absolute monarchs in charge of Eastern Europe once again.
Crucifixion’s the best thing for ’em. NAIL some sense into ’em I say.
Personally, I want M&Ms in my empire. Hands off, Jonah, them’s mine!
Jonah reminds me a lot of a Republican friend of mine. Nice guy, but he can talk and talk and talk and never say anything. He wouldn’t know a logical argument if it bit him on the ass. Sadly, he was a political science major, which doesn’t say much for his college.
To which I say: this is precisely the sort of nuanced point my future defense of the Austro-Hungarian Empire would take into account!
So I can clearly not drink the wine in front of me! But …
I do know that the Hapsburgs wanted the S&Ms in their empire — and they would have been lucky to be in it!
So I can clearly not drink the wine in front of you!
Are you finished?
Not remotely!
I love the qualifier that the countries weren’t actually IN the Empire he admires as a “narrowly factual objection.”
Global warming, no WMDs in Iraq, torture a violation of US law and international treaties, data-mining without court-issued warning is a violation of FISA, you see these should be dismissed as “narrowly factual objections”
Facts and reality can all be ignored the service of ideology.
Another dry bucket from Franz Josef Pantload’s well of historical knowledge.
Is there a technical term for this increasingly popular conservative blogger trope – “The fact that my premise was false in no way reduces the strength of my argument”? I’ve been seeing it in various forms a lot over the last couple of weeks. Ed Brayton caught creationist Dave Scot in a brilliant one recently, but there have been more high profile ones too. To be fair to Jonah (he’s only 7 years old, after all), he does at least seem to be doing it in a self-deprecating manner.
And if there isn’t a term already, what should it be?
My suggestion for the trope: “The fact that my premise was false in no way reduces the strength of my argument”?
To Horowitz. As in, “David horowitzed all over Berube.”
He probably also doesn’t know that Montenegro gave Jay Gatsby a medal for his Great War (World War I) heroism. This would have been unlikely had the country been part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, because they were allied to the Germans.
See Fiztgerald, F. Scott; The Great Gatsby, Scribners.
Ginger,
There are several terms that I know of, and probably many more. “Bullshit” is the most common, with “lie” a close second.
“The narrowly factual objection.” Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that’s a keeper. Please pledge with me that you’ll try to use it every day.
“Certainly one can make the case that the 20th century would have been lovelier with it than without it.”
Yeah, that whole Central Powers thingy during the First World War certainly made the affair that much more aesthetically pleasing. Just think how much worse it’d have been if those mirthless dull-ass Prussians, without any notion of Gemütlichkeit, had been in charge of the whole shindig?
Someone should do to Jonah what Napoleon did to the Austrians at Austerlitz.
what’s a diorama?
“what’s a diorama?”
It’s one less than a triorama.
An interesting defense, indeed! It’s not that jonah was 25% wrong, or 47% wrong… or even 82% wrong. He was 100%, completely wrong. Yet, it’s the “thought” that counts.
I too lament the demise of the Hapsburg empire, but my jeremiad is directed further west and further back into the past than Goldberg’s. If only the Hapsburgs had retained the Spanish Crown during the War of Spanish Succession! Both Europe and the New World would be so much the better.
Are these really the same guys who thought “forged but accurate” was such a screamer?
Apparently they prefer “sincere but wrong”.
I think it is more like “Wrong but Conservative” that they prefer, D. Sidhe.
AEIOU!
I miss Austria-Hungary because that Franz Ferdinand guy has some awesome tunes! He should write about that too!
Forget the Hapsburgs.
What I really miss are the
Aztecs. Now THERE was an
empire you could be proud of! Too bad Cortez and the boys had to go and ruin it for everyone.
(Montezuma should have
disposed of his sorry butt
pronto but missed his opporutnity). Just imagine what Mexico would be like today if we still had those bad boys with their elaborate ceremonies ripping out still-beating hearts and sacrificing them to Quetzlquatl. Just imagine George Bush and Condi Rice messing with
that! But no, it’s all
over and all we have are the memories (sigh). At least we got chocolate out of it. Which is more than I can say for the folks in Vienna!
In a narrowly factual sense, if Serbia and Montenegro were part of Austria-Hungary, WW1 might not have happened, or it would have take a radically different form. The 20th Century would have been completely different. What a fucking tool.
next on Jonah’s blog:
the Holy Roman Empire was neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire. Discuss.
Or, “American Indians: Originally From India After All!”
I tried to post this before, but the anti-spam-bot ate it: This post shoud be linked to this one for all eternity. Actually, throw in the Upton Sinclair stuff, the Juan Cole kerfuffle, I’m sure there are a million more examples. For someone who never does research, posts bullshit, then shrugs his shoulders when it’s pointed out and claims his “main point” is unaffected(he’s the all-time champion of the “fake but accurate” post), he’s awfully quick to demand a full retraction from others.