999 katrillion gajillion and one.

God, she is so hot with that leopardskin outfit zipped up all the way to the neck…I may be forced to violate myself…

God, she is so hot with that leopardskin outfit zipped up all the way to the neck…I may be forced to violate myself…

We are just so accommodating to foreigners — next we’ll give them the keys to all our cities.

Hmmm… do you think someone should tell her that those keys don’t actually open anything? I’d hate for her to worry.

If the current language dispute wasn’t so serious

WEREN’T, you cretin!

It’s the fucking subjunctive mood!

i’m sure she;s never in a subjunctive mood when she’s still got her leopard print outfit 🙂

Since when does a nation who taught their children to speak

THAT (or WHICH) TEACHES!

IT’S PRESENT TENSE, YOU LOSER! AND AMERICA ISN’T A PERSON, SO IT GETS THAT OR WHICH.

GYEEEAAAAH! [head explodes]

Dude. . . you must be new around here. Kaye Grogan’s crappy grammar is just the icing on the very large, craptastically crappy cake made out of her crappy ideas.

dominance
subjunctive
wingy nuts appear

Whoa whoa, calm down Andrew. Trying to learn Groganese takes time and patience. Here, huff some of this rubber cement, it should help.

Wow!…that woman is out, of her “fucking”–mind.

How long has she been writing for The Onion?

“Did another boat come in behind the Mayflower with people speaking in unknown tongues?”

Well, not unknown tongues. Dutch, French, and German are pretty well known.

Say, wait a minute…that’s my mom!

Söisin mieluummin salmiakkia, mama! Paljonko maksaisi gramma heroiinia?

“all illegal immigrants if they want to become legal citizens they are going to have to learn English, and forget about singing the National Anthem in Spanish.”

Damn right!!! Those Fujian, Albanian, Somali and Irish immigrants better not learn how to sing the National Anthem in Spanish!

I do realize that Kaye… “Grogan”! is rather creative with her punctuation, but I’ve never come across a column where her grammar was an item of contention. I usually ignored it.

BUT NOW I CAN’T HGGGRRRAAAH! [heart escapes chest and starts singing the Michigan Rag]

learn English or else! . . .or else what?

Exactly.

(South Park used to be funny!)

If the current language dispute wasn’t so serious, it would be right up there with “Comedy Central” for being funny.

Note Grogan’s failure to use the subjective voice.

Wow! . . .out of 300 million people in the United States of America — there are around 215 million who speak English. Well, shut your mouth!

The first word – Wow! – is an interjection. It isn’t grammatically related to the following sentence, which means Grogan should begin her next phrase – “Out of 300 million…� – with a capital letter. She also uses the dash improperly.

Since when does a nation who taught their children to speak English fluently need to verify and have a vote in the Senate to make the language official? Only in America! . . .can these bizarre things keep happening.

Kaye doesn’t seem to understand the concept of subject-verb agreement. Her next crime, aside from just sucking in general, is her improper use of the exclamation point.

We are just so accommodating to foreigners — next we’ll give them the keys to all our cities. I think it’s long overdue that we send out invitations to come to America in grand style. Why should we expect millions of illegal immigrants to risk their lives crossing over deserts and oceans? For goodness sakes “roll out the red carpet!” Who needs those old green visa cards that keep expiring anyway? Just think of the red tape we could save.

I don’t even know where to begin with this portion of Kaye’s article. I see another misplaced dash, for starters.

I’ve bolded the most egregious error in this snippet – it’s a “sentence� that should be excised entirely.

According to some of the suggestions being proposed by our illustrious government — all illegal immigrants if they want to become legal citizens they are going to have to learn English, and forget about singing the National Anthem in Spanish.

W…T…F? This sentence is so poorly written I can’t correct it. It is beyond redemption.

In other words, learn English or else! . . .or else what? I guess everyone not learning to speak English in a certain length of time will be sent to the back of the class. Then what? Heaven knows — deportation is out of the question!

At this point, I decided to forgo further commentary – this is just too easy – and skip to the end.

At least Senators George Allen and John Warner both Republicans, representing my state possessed the wisdom and good sense to vote in favor of the amendment.

This sentence contains a glaring example of improper comma placement. The irony here is that an intermediate-level ESL student could have spotted the error and corrected it, whereas this racist jackass respected author failed to notice it at all.

Kaye has many published poems, one published book, and has been featured in a popular woman’s national magazine. She is currently working on two books for children. Her hobbies include photography and she has won photo contests all over the world.

Even Grogan’s biographical information features faulty parallelism and poor punctuation.

Fuck!

Subjective = subjunctive.

Subjunctivism is highly subjective. (Or the other way ’round.)

Darn tootin’, Kaye! And while we’re at it, lets make sure those charmismatics that speak in tongues only speak in English from now on. And no more Latin masses.

Actually, unfortunately for Ms. Grogan, English is not the “official language”, it is the “national language”, which means precisely dick. As the rightwing blowhards in Congress often do, they threw a symbolic bone to the slavering hounds of their base. Well, it looks like it worked. Grogan will be off gnawing on her bone and may never realize she got played.

I guess; Kaye would be “horrified” to learn — that I, currently!…possess a copy of The Star-Spangled Banner written in (Finnish).

And now I have to go lie down, since I just made myself ill…

Damn, I was silly enough to go and read the entire column for myself. It’s a lot like listening to one end of a cell phone conversation in a restaurant, except the person is schizophrenic and is actually talking into a salt shaker. Also, your shoes are too tight and there’s someone hitting you in the head with a board.

Otherwise, Kaye would be deported back to Groganstan.

i think you mean “Groganistan.” the extra syllable makes it roll off the tongue nicer.

Someone really ought to print off Kaye’s column, red-pencil it completely, and mail it back to her along with a clipping from any reputable dictionary highlighting the word “irony.”

Red pencil?

Blue pencil. Blue as the lizard’s tongue.

“Only in America! . . .can these bizarre things keep happening.”

Jesus, I wouldn’t even do that in a chat-room.

“In other words, learn English or else! . . .or else what? I guess everyone not learning to speak English in a certain length of time will be sent to the back of the class.”

Hey, maybe we can just beat the shit out of them like we did when Native Americans kids refused to learn English.

Hey, let’s compare the history of English-speaking and Spanish-speaking immigrants.

English-speakers: Beat the shit out of anybody who doesn’t learn their foreign babble.

Spanish-Speakers: Don’t do that.

Fuck, even the fairly legal immigrants on the Mayflower didn’t buy this “Immigrants should assimilate” stuff. If they had, we sure as fuck wouldn’t speak English.

You’re either an American in every true sense of the word or somewhere in-between — which translates into troublemakers.

Whaaa?? I know, I know, the wingnuts, they love their false choices and black and white worldview. But break this one down and and you get “you’re either a true, red-blooded John fucking Wayne American or you’re a trouble maker”. I’ve often accused them of seeing the world that way, but it’s rare that they come out and say it so plainly. Racist, xenophobic, frightened haters–The Republican Party–Party of Genocide!!

mikey

I’ve had to stop because I have no idea what number comes after 999 katrillion gajillion.

I think that would be “one brazillion”

I’ve had to stop because I have no idea what number comes after 999 katrillion gajillion.

I think that would be “one brazillion”

[i]In other words, learn English or else! . . .or else what?[/i]

Neither one of my great-grandparents learned English. Italian worked well enough for them.

Math’s not my strongest subject, but wouldn’t “out of 300 million people in the United States of America — there are around 215 million who speak English” mean 85 million people don’t speak English, and isn’t 85M over a quarter of a 300M population? If her numbers and my math skills aren’t complete crap, this isn’t a tiny contingent but a pretty sizeable bloc of people she’s trying to dismiss with a haughty, if ungrammatical, rhetorical hand wave.

Help! The leopard woman is loose in my state mauling people with grammar shards and bludgeoning them with her dull wits! Send rubber glue–it’s the only thing that calms the beast!

Brad,

While Columbus flew under the Spanish flag, the guy was Italian. He might have spoken Spanish, I dunno. But he was a Genovese.

You know, if I was that unattractive, I’d try to be less hateful for fear of dying alone.

Okay, criticizing Kaye! on grammar is like criticizing Bill-O’s fact checking, but is there nobody at Renew America that occasionally looks over her work? I mean, besides that idea that someone might slyly try to perform some elective elipsis surgery (no colon jokes, please,) you’d think someone would tell her that when she gets on a ramble she tends to contradict herself or just generally shame the people she’s defending.

On an unrelated note, considering the superfluous punctuation, are we sure Kaye isn’t related to the Jon’ family?

You know, if I was that unattractive, I’d try to be less hateful for fear of dying alone.

I think you have it backwards. I think the hideousness of Kaye’s grill is the leading cause of her hatefulness.

You’ve got to love Kaye’s style– mullet, leopard-skin blouse, American flag background. I can just picture what her house looks like. I imagine there is a Camaro up on cinder blocks, a tiger-striped pattern couch and velvet paintings of owls on the walls. There are probably a bunch of cats running around and perhaps a weird “novelty” pet or two, like a ferret or something. The whole place likely reeks of cat litter and Kools.

For cryin’ out loud, please tell me this freak lives in southern Virginia. I’m begging you.

Not to be too nitpicky, but I think Cristoforo Colombo was born in Genoa, and probably spoke Italian.

I take a lot of pictures myself, and wanted to see if Kaye!…possesses the same kind of skill with a camera that she does with her keyboard.

Indeed: Beware!…they will hurt your eyes.

My favorite is the lonely starfish.

I swear to god that picture winks at me.

Actually, Christopher Columbus’ “native” language seems to be an open question. He wrote almost exclusively in Spanish, with some Latin thrown in. It’s not even clear he was born in Genoa.

gj, that’s almost a haiku.

grammar and spelling
are no match for the mighty
Kaye Groganator

It’s Kaye with a PhD!

http://www.michnews.com/d/article_02_02_06.shtml

this racist jackass respected author

She’s a respected author? Respected by whom, pray tell? No, on second thought, don’t tell me.

“We have 100 United States Senators speaking English as they are passing laws”

Obviously, she hasn’t read many actual laws. The internal revenue code? ERISA? Definitely not English.

“We have 100 United States Senators speaking English as they are passing laws”

You know, that could be taken several different ways. “Speak English or else…” Kaye has mastered the art of irony, you’ve got to give her that.

GEEK: She’s a respected author? Respected by whom, pray tell? No, on second thought, don’t tell me.

The ‘racist jackass’ part was supposed to be a strikethrough. My comment about her being respected was a joke.

“…out of 300 million people in the United States of America — there are around 215 million who speak English. Well, shut your mouth!”

See, this also troubles me. How can one speak English with a closed mouth? Does Kaye harbor the illusion that it is possible to speak English silently, whereas Spanish can only be expressed vocally? Certainly food for thought.

The Devil’s Advocate, strike-thru text doesn’t work in comments here. The people making the main posts can use it, however, damn their eyes.
Well, I could sit here and make fun of “Kaye’s” grammar and punctuation, but I abuse both far too much myself to do so in good conscience, particularly the commas. Ciao!

Ho-Lee-Crap

those photos move the hell out of me. I’m changed.

Little charmer? You’ve got me believing in Eagle One.

There’s a Long Road Ahead but Nature’s Fireworks will see me through.

(*pokes eyes out with claw hammer – feels better for it*)

My great-grandmother’s childhood first language was Pennsylvania German and her family had then been in the U.S. for many generations. As far as I know, nobody ever found anything defective in her status as an American.

Wait a minute! – first discoverer of The United States was some sort of a Vaking, wasn’t he?…

I love her last name.

grogan Noun. A lump of faeces.

I’m not sure which is worse, her xenophobia or the prescriptive asshats taking her to task for punctuation errors.

“I’m not sure which is worse, her xenophobia or the prescriptive asshats taking her to task for punctuation errors.”

I vote her xenophobia.