Or will they support the frat boy resolution of one-woman-one-woman equals boner?

Shouldn’t there be a “plus” somewhere in there?

I so, I will most certainly be sure to call my Senators.

“Muslamoninjas have kidnapped Jesus! Are you a bad enough dude to rescue Him?”

If PS3 has that game, it’ll be worth the $600.

biblical Christians live in daily peace

I’m pretty sure all the biblical Christians died around 2000 years ago.

for those who trust in Christ, their consecrated daily doings and finality is governed by Christ’s overarching grace

He really makes it sound like Christians are just Jesus playing the Sims.

Biblical prophecy scholars are always seeking clues in present-tense regarding future tense occurrences per biblical data.

Now that there is a classic Swankism.

At that time, the planet will be dissolved with the saved entrancing heaven and the damned doomed to hell.

Uh. I’d like to assume he meant to use the word “entering” instead of “entrancing”, but that’s probably giving him way more benefit of the doubt than he deserves.

And, yeah! How dare those stupid Islamofascistliberalists believe something as silly as that nuclear fire…, according to Muslims, will bring back their messiah to reign in universal peace?

That’s just dumb. Oh, those gullible brown people.

Rapture? What about it?

He really makes it sound like Christians are just Jesus playing the Sims.

It does explain why so many people end up peeing themselves.

Every sentence this man writes sounds like it could be an anagram of something someone sane means.

At that time, the planet will be dissolved with the saved entrancing heaven and the damned doomed to hell.

Uh. I’d like to assume he meant to use the word “entering” instead of “entrancing”, but that’s probably giving him way more benefit of the doubt than he deserves.

He meant to use “entrancing,” as in hypnotizing or stupifying.

i.e. “the residents of heaven will be completely stupified when an idiot like me shows up at the gates. “

Have to cross post this epu’d comment of mine from the Pat the Weatherman thread. This is an epiphany for me. Or maybe I’m having a stroke. Hope springs eternal.

Anyhow, here is my “Grand Theory of Everything”

I think god is like Yoda (and my brother). Except the size of the “Sphere of Disapproval” that he casts is planet rather than room sized.

The corrolary is that my brother and god are totally trashing my rep with the family.

Where can I get me some o’ that devil hankerin and devil prancin? Imagine the street cred that would get me! Once more he is Swankerlicious!

The man is impervious to logic.

Christ created this planet, according to Scripture.

I’ve heard stuff like this before, and I really want a cite for it. Where in “scripture” does it state that Christ created the Earth (or people, as I’ve heard elsewhere)? In my book, Christ doesn’t appear until part 2.

There is much devilment going on on His property due to our first parents disobeying God in Eden. When Adam and Eve sinned, devilment set loose and has been set loose to this hour. It will continue until Christ returns.

Devilment: Devilish behavior; mischief

Yes, ever since Adam and Eve, TP’d the Tree of Knowledge, we’ve all been very, very naughty. And we will get a time out, FOR ETERNITY!

(I’m pretty sure he was after this word:
deviltry or devilry: Reckless mischief; Extreme cruelty; wickedness; Evil magic; witchcraft; An act of mischief, cruelty, or witchcraft.
…but you can never be sure with Swank.)

Whoo-hoo! I’m front-page news!

Thanks for taking my request. I’m SO glad you did. The phrase “the devil’s hoax to the Muslims” really stuck out in my mind when I read the column.

At that time, the planet will be dissolved with the saved entrancing heaven

You bet they will, the damned fascinatin’ little enchantresses!

Iran threatens Christ’s property with nuclear fire
Weren’t we the ones that actually unleashed the nuclear fire? I guess Japan, the Bikini atoll and Nevada are rentals or something.

“If it goes the immoral route, then homosexual “marriage” all the more will be on the road to completion. Biblical prophecy scholars are always seeking clues in present-tense regarding future tense occurrences per biblical data.”

Yes, “all the more will be on the road to completion.”

This is the greatest writing I have ever read. I like to think I can make up brain-damaged Bad Writing with the best (ie, worst) of them, but I can’t touch this. As someone says above, it’s like an anagram of sensible writing. “Because the Bible informs…” This is comedy gold.

(FYI, Brad R: When the Antichrist reigns, those who refuse his “mark” will not only be forbidden from buying food and water, but from buying or selling ANYTHING. Imagine how that will negatively impact your so-called “lifesyle.”)

“Biblical prophecy scholars are always seeking clues in present-tense regarding future tense occurrences per biblical data.”

Linguistic scholars are always seeking clues in Pastor Swank’s present tense writings regarding future tense making sense data.

“That’s the devil’s hoax to the Muslims. Iran holds the world hostage with this cultic tenet. But Iran cannot hold Christ hostage.”

I’m pretty sure that’s an episode of South Park.

I’ve heard stuff like this before, and I really want a cite for it. Where in “scripture” does it state that Christ created the Earth (or people, as I’ve heard elsewhere)? In my book, Christ doesn’t appear until part 2.

It’s a retcon, obviously. Gotta create backstory for the big new character in the sequel.

(Swooning)I HEART Pastor Swank…or is that SWAK? Sigh.

More blank verse from The Master:

THE GOOD THE IRAN THREAT HAS DONE
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.

It has brought humanity to its knees. That’s what it’s done.
It has
brought humanity
to its knees.

“I don’t give a damn”
is the diplomatic response from Iran
to the UN.

Fine.

And the same to the US and Britain and Russia and China
individually.
That’s what should be expected
from a hellish cult.
After all,
their god has spoken and
that’s
that.

Now what good is the world
held hostage
by a nuclear nut?

The Iranian nuclear blow up
has brought the planet to the exit sign.
There is no other place to go but God.

And that’s the good
that the Iran threat
has done
for
humanity.

Hankerin’ for a hunk-a,
a slice, a slab, a chunck-a,
hankerin’ for a hunk-a God!

those who refuse his “mark” will not only be forbidden from buying food and water, but from buying or selling ANYTHING.

Wow. I can see how that will be a problem as I am currently forbidden from buying marijuana, and that’s SO effectively prevented me from getting stoned…

mikey

Is P-Swank suggesting that gay marriage could actually be the Mark of the Beast? If so, that’d mean that everyone would have to be homo nupped in order to purchase food and water. Now I see why the Christian Right is so up in arms about this issue.

Ahh, relax, Brad. Nobody is saying that you’ll be expected to be faithful to your state-mandated husband! You can run around, poking various lesbians’ wives, and no one will make too much out of it. Still, I suppose you’ll have to cut back on hanging out in disreputable sports bars and on the Steel Reserve, or there’s gonna be spanky!
And now, onto the devil and the end times. I’ve never really understood the whole end-times prophecy thing. The winner, in the end? Gawd & Jeebus! It is foreordained! The only thing is… all that crap was written by followers of… Gawd & Jeebus! Or, Gawd, hisself. In any event, by someone who is in no way likely to say, “The other side wins!” It’s sheer propaganda! Of course they’re gonna say they’re gonna win–it’s like how we’re having “steady, good progress in Iraq.” That’s always bothered me.
Also, what, exactly, motivates the Devil to try and overthrow God if it’s foreordained that he’ll lose? I mean, would you bother trying if there was no way you could ever win, not even a one-in-a-million chance? No? You say you’d enjoy many of the seven deadly sins, and an unending booze/hookers/pr0n/x-box360 party, instead? Then, I surmise there’s at least a small chance of evil being victorious. Further, I submit that it’s often the side with the losing hand that most loudly declare the inevitability of their own victory–remember Baghdad Bob and his denial of US invasion of Iraq, even as US tanks rolled into the capital? That’s what all these “Heaven wins…again!” prophecies remind me of.
It’s a good thing that all that religious stuff is a lot of bullshit… speaking of which…

Because the Bible informs that the planet is the footstool of God. If the devil can obliterate the footstool, he will then have access to[…]

God’s feet, and if He’s ticklish, VICTORY GOES TO LUCIFER!!!1one!!eLeVeN!! Muah-ha-ha-haaaa!1!!

“Where in “scripture” does it state that Christ created the Earth (or people, as I’ve heard elsewhere)?”

I’m not sure what the scripture is, but that’s how Milton describes it in Paradise Lost as well. Christ is the one who kicks the rebellious angels’ arses out of heaven too.

Biblical prophecy scholars are always seeking clues in present-tense regarding future tense occurrences per biblical data.

Homo-nups are built on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined social institution that is (wioll haven be) torn apart by the homos.

(This is, many would say, impossible.)

Technically, he’s right re Christ. (nothing else, of course)

The Xtians really, really wanted to be monotheists so that Jews would join up. But they had this problem about God the Father and God the Son ,JC.Not to mention the Holy Spirit. Gods were multiplying like locusts.So-ingenious solution – Trinity. It’s 3 Gods in One!All three are not only God but the same God, so JC was in it from the beginning, even before he was born as a Man.

Takes decades of Catholic upbringing to grasp this. Unfortunately, I had it.

Christ created this planet, according to Scripture.

I’ve heard stuff like this before, and I really want a cite for it. Where in “scripture” does it state that Christ created the Earth (or people, as I’ve heard elsewhere)? In my book, Christ doesn’t appear until part 2.

I hate to give Swanky poo any back up, but… The Gospel of John starts “In the beginning, the Word was with God, and the Word was God, and through The Word all things were created.” “The Word” is generally taken to mean Christ. It’s the basis for the divinity of Christ.

Myself, I think John had been harvesting wild mushrooms; his Gospel is vague and solopsistic and occasionally downright bizarre, but there you go.

Michael, too funny. Problem is, Douglas Adams makes WAY more sense and is far more probable (Even without an Infinite Improbability Drive) than Swank.

The Xtians really, really wanted to be monotheists so that Jews would join up. But they had this problem about God the Father and God the Son ,JC.Not to mention the Holy Spirit. Gods were multiplying like locusts.So-ingenious solution – Trinity. It’s 3 Gods in One!All three are not only God but the same God, so JC was in it from the beginning, even before he was born as a Man.

Wait, wouldn’t that mean that God has multiple-personality disorder, especially with that “LET US make Man in OUR image” stuff in Genesis? Just sayin’.

Jesus math: 3=1

Science says otherwise, and that is why science is evil.

Wait, wouldn’t that mean that God has multiple-personality disorder, especially with that “LET US make Man in OUR image” stuff in Genesis? Just sayin’.

You think that’s bad, read Psalm 82 and how God hangs out with other gods.

Just FYI, the “gods” in Psalm 82 refers to the unjust judges (who wield their power as if they were God) from the title of the Psalm.
It’s a poem, after all- metaphor is a given.

GuinnessGuy, I’ve read that interpretation. And in this case, it may be right. Or not. Why is God refered to as Elohim, lit. “gods” in Genesis? Why does God rule a court over the “sons of God” in Job? And what of the Nephilim, sprung from those “sons of God”? (Though even here, the word is Elohim, so they are the sons of the gods). Nowhere are they called “angels” (mal’akhim). Why does Yahweh say “Thou shalt have no other gods before me”?

A lot of scholars say that the Israelites were not always monotheists; the Bible simply reflects that. Any other explanation has to contend with Occam.

When I say they aren’t called angels, I mean in those contexts.

If God was MPD, they wouldn’t be worshipping him, they’d be exorcising him.

In the case of the Psalm, it is correct (title, you know), and even were it not, it is just a poem (albeit one written ostensibly by David), though the other examples you give are a great deal more germane to the display of discrepancy in the Bible.

I’ve always found the use of Elohim interesting- perhaps in a cosmic sense a foreshadowing of the Trinity (which, of course, requires a deistic priori to believe), though in the purely mundane sense (hardly exclusive with the above, in any case) it is possible that it is a remnant of an earlier creation story from when the Israelites were polytheistic (if they were- it isn’t entirely certain one way or the other), though it is speculated that if they were, it was along the lines of a Hindu or Chinese “individuals as part of a whole” concept. Another explanation I’ve seen is that it is along the lines of a “royal ‘We'” or a means the writer(s) of Genesis used to differentiate the Yahweh El (gen. “God”) from all the other “El”s that populated the region. Other writers simply used “El” or “Adonai” as Yahweh couldn’t/cannot be written in Jewish law save by the High Priest (and there ain’t no more of them).
As for the Nephilim, I understand that the story was likely lifted from an old Semitic legend by the writer (as with the whole of the Noah story)- though the “Sons of God” line may refer to the Hebrew people intermarrying with the local non-Hebrew population and/or the formally banished children of Seth.

I’m no expert in Semitic linguistics, mind, but the whole thing is highly subjective and in of itself cannot prove or disprove anything (outside of the fact that literalists really don’t get the point). Translation of dead languages is a tricky business, especially given that the original copies were retranscribed more than a few times throughout the generations, where archaic language and idioms had to be translated into the newer dialect, etc. Every time you translate a document, you “lose” something of its original meaning. The New Testament doesn’t suffer from this problem as much as the OT because of Ancient Greek’s great proliferation, as well as the fact that they’re much younger documents.
The “original” documents may well be the breath of God himself for all I know, but one cannot seriously entertain the idea that the King James translation is the perfect portrayal of the original.

What I want to know is, how does Pastor Swank know so much about Satan’s plans? He sounds like he’s been to the planning committee meetings or something.

“What I want to know is, how does Pastor Swank know so much about Satan’s plans? He sounds like he’s been to the planning committee meetings or something.”

He gets the newsletter; he got on their mailing list when he sold Satan his writing skills for a bike when he was 13.

GuinnessGuy, we’re just going to have to disagree on some of these things, because we come at the Bible from very different perspectives.

C’est la vie.

(Also, I can’t agree that Elohim could ever refer to the Trinity, in part because the Trinity is a late doctrine, not even found in the earliest surviving Greek copies of the New Testament. It wasn’t settled dogma for hundreds of years after Jesus.)

Biblical prophecy scholars are always seeking clues in present-tense regarding future tense occurrences per biblical data.

Now that there is a classic Swankism.

No kidding. I think that sentence actually created a temporal wormhole in the fabric of space-time.

“(Also, I can’t agree that Elohim could ever refer to the Trinity, in part because the Trinity is a late doctrine, not even found in the earliest surviving Greek copies of the New Testament. It wasn’t settled dogma for hundreds of years after Jesus.)”

As I said, I was referring to a cosmic sense- unintentional on the writers’ part, obviously, though if it is in fact true (and I believe it is) that the Trinity is the composition of God, then it would be an interesting irony, and possibly an intended one on God’s part (obviously something one cannot know). It could not be, as you say, a direct referance to the later doctrine. The following explainations are of the “mundane” variety that would explain how the text actually got to be that way through the writers of the book.
And differing perspectives is OK; tolerance is a necessary if sometimes trying (:wink:) factor in surviving this modern world of ours. If you don’t know about it already, Street Prophets is an interesting place for cross faith/philosophical discussion (even if some of the Catholics there are so heterodox as to scandalize me, an impressive feat). They even have atheists, agnostics and deists there, as I understand.

“biblical Christians live in daily peace”

Which is why they are constantly bitching about the alleged “War on Christianity!”

Nonsense, thy name is Swank.

“God also states that practicing homosexuality is an abomination.”

Whew, I’m safe then. I’m good enough at it by now that I no longer need to practice.

I really liked the imagery of the devil prancing…

Bless you, Timer.

Bless you, Timer.