Storms? On the coasts? Way to go out on a limb, there, Pat.

“If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms,” Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, “There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest.”

Ah, yes…….the Lord speaks to me, as well, and I predict…..everyone who is reading this will die! Sometime in the future!

He tells me other things about the year 2006! There will be earthquakes along the Pacific basin! And there will be murderous violence in Africa – somewhere! Also, no cure for cancer will be found!

Unfortunately for Robertson, my Lord is Bacchus, and he just made waaaay more prophecies than boring old Jehovah did. I just hope that when all of my prophecies turn out to be true, y’all stop following that Old Testament fraud and start following the real God – the one who gives his followers booze and orgies to show His love for them, instead of plagues of locusts and stuff.

I hate to plug my own blog–oh, what am I saying? I LOVE to plug my own blog–but perhaps he has something like this in mind:

http://tinyurl.com/rqoh8

Jeebus works at AccuWeather?

http://wwwa.accuweather.com/promo-ad.asp?dir=aw&page=hurr2006

Jeebus works at AccuWeather?

http://wwwa.accuweather.com/promo-ad.asp?dir=aw&page=hurr2006

Only a 20% chance of Jeezzzuss-ah? Where is your faith, man? It’s always Jesus Weather!

Speaking of homo nups (global), where has the pastor been lately? I might have to visit his site myself and go a-searchin’ for a wisdom fix.

OK, I ask you, how can you resist this?

Therefore, with this on-going nuclear cloud hanging over Christ’s turf, the devil has taunted Christ’s throne with the threat of the planet’s extinction. Why? Because the Bible informs that the planet is the footstool of God. If the devil can obliterate the footstool, he will then have access to heaven’s throne, per his demonic plot.

Come on! Christ’s throne? God’s footstool? Any speculation on how that works, cosmologically speaking? Is Swanky telling us that only a footstool props up God’s reign and the devil is fully capable of kicking it away from God, thus sending Christ tumbling in a Holy Pratfall? Kinda give the lie to claims of omnipotence, doesn’t it?

I am worried, God talks to W and Pat, we are all doomed. This from wingnuts who oppose stem cell research, to save a few hundred cells created in fertility clinics. Yet, the same “god” allows use to split and fuse atoms and kill 100,000’s and 1,000,000’s to do W’s spread of “democracy”. We need the Druids to save us all.

Lucy – the pastor was linked to directly–bad SadlyNo!–in the “Our future is at stake!” post below. Caveat lector.

Hate to remind you, Brad, but MSFT is based in the Pacific Northwest.

There well may be something as bad as a tsunami…

A direct line to God and the best he can do is “may be” and “something as bad as”? God isn’t sure?

Hey, God: Why bring it up? Wait until you’re positive, fer Chrissake.

Oops.

“If I heard the Lord right about 2006…”

What?!? Does God mumble?

I think Pat is prefacing his soothsaying with weasel words, so that when Seattle doesn’t get hit with a tsunami, he can backtrack. You know, something like: “Um, actually, on reflection, what God probably told me was that we should watch our cholesterol intake.”

The storms will strike somewhere in the North, South, East, and West, with a tsunami hitting along the area where water meets the coastal lands.

Maybe Jesus will turn the tsunamis and whatsits away from the Left Coast if we submit to the high priests of the Offshore Oil Rigs…

When Pat prays he always looks like he is straining to pass the world’s most uncomfortable BM. I think that says something about the quality of his very public prayers……

When Pat prays he always looks like he is straining to pass the world’s most uncomfortable BM. I think that says something about the quality of his very public prayers……

sorry bout the doublepost. I got an error mesage the first time. damn lying error msgs.

Footstool!?! Can’t god afford one of them there upholstered jobbies e.g. an ottoman, something tasteful but with tassels? Come to think of it can’t he just grab some of the fatter souls in purgatory (ones that he obviously knows in advance aren’t going to make the cut) and use them? Nothing is more comfortable for deity dogs than soon to be damned corpulent souls.

man, pat is working out quite the turd in that pic. i don’t really find it surprising that pat has the same face for prayer/defecation. the result is the same: stinky piles of hot poo.

Or is that purgatory and not limbo? (corpulent soul suggestion was mine)(patent pending)

Scratch that, reverse it.

Maybe what God actually said is that a rabble of Muslims angry about cartoons depicting Mohammed will descend on Seattle. You know, a ‘toon army.

Or that a woman will file a sexual harrassment suit against the governor of California.

I expected Robertson to be a little more specific. I guess he can’t really focus in on god’s displeasure unless he has a financial stake like with Mbuto/Kabila or Chavez. Fuck with Pat’s money and suddenly the lord chimes in with unmistakable ire and threats of ass smashery.

Kind of reminds me when Opus in the old Bloom County strip predicted violence in the Mideast in the coming year. Milo replied, “Violence? In the Mideast? Really? Will there be sand involved?”

Hey, I talk to God too, and I’m just a bland Canadian sort. But, God told me that because my evil country allows homo nups, by late Nov/early Dec. he will inflict lots of snow and cold air on my country. Just you watch and see if I’m not right! QED

Footstool!?! Can’t god afford one of them there upholstered jobbies e.g. an ottoman, something tasteful but with tassels?

No way. God should totally get a recliner.

You want Got to get an Ottoman? As in Empire? What are you some kind of Islamofascicisthomo?

Why is it that society laughs at the guy on the corner with the sandwich board that says ” THE END IS NIGH”, but this fucking wacko actually gets invited to the White House… its FUBAR

You want Got to get an Ottoman? As in Empire? What are you some kind of Islamofascicisthomo?

Well I call a sofa a “Davenport” but that don’t make me a hawkeye.

Also, god sees right through your attempt to curry favor by capitalizing his name and in German no less. I get his respect because I don’t take his shit. Kayn ahoureh.

But wait! Maybe you are being a rebel after all. Isn’t it “Gott”?

Is it discourteous for me to keep posting when others aren’t so much?

Or maybe it’s just irritating? I’ll give you my thoghts in a moment.

thus sending Christ tumbling in a Holy Pratfall?

Jesus is Dick Van Dyke?

Jesus is Dick Van Dyke?

Or Gerald Ford. Which could explain the whole Nixon pardon thing.

Surely it’ll hit the South? Really, God is a practical joker. You’ll think you’re safe under his wise and omnipotent guidance and then BAM! Spider in your soup. Or, more normally, a plague of locusts slowly eating your eyes from the inside after they’ve flown into your mouth.

That God, he’s such a kidder. Job knew how to take it.

Jesus is Dick Van Dyke?

And if so, shouldn’t we be worshipping Carl Reiner?

Alright, now I’m PISSED. This whole beautiful planet where I live, with it’s yosemite and kailua and cabo and burbank, this wonderful blue sphere, it’s nothing but god’s FOOTSTOOL??? Jeez, I guess we’re lucky that he decided that Giedi Prime was his toilet. Does he let his dog go crap on Uranus?

And if I live on the bastard’s footstool, what does that make me, some kind of creepy little cosmic lice, infesting the footstool? I hope he doesn’t spray me.

So now it’s just we’re gonna have to deal with gods big-ass smelly sweat sox when he comes in from doing his god-job and plops down, kicks off his loafers and stretches out his legs, allowing his big, holy calluses and bunions to drop on my front yard? EEWWWW, god, were you born in a freakin BARN???

mikey

And if so, shouldn’t we be worshipping Carl Reiner?

Doesn’t everyone worship the Holy Trinity?

(Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, Sid Caesar)

What?!? Does God mumble?

No, it’s the same phenomenon that causes John Edward, James Van Praagh, and the rest of them to only get snippets of information from the spirit world at any given time – I’m getting an…”A”? Does someone’s name here start with an “A”?.

Sorta like trying to tune into a faraway radio station. Hopefully some modern-day Nikola Tesla will look into this.

Phewee, god’s toe jam (hey maybe that’s what manna is!) And his toenail clippings are… they’re the… Ahhhhhh I got nothin’

After reading this, I think I’m going to need some Holy Spirits.

I think god is like Yoda (and my brother). Except the size of his “Sphere of Disapproval” that he casts is planet rather than room sized.

Yoda theory, also mine. (I’m sorry Jerry, please don’t tell mom)

What a lying, arrogant, self-aggrandizing asswipe (although, that is pretty much descriptive of all fundy Xians). Discovery channel has been running a show on the Pacific NW fault and potential for a tsunami for at least 6 mo. It happened
about 300 years ago and is considered “due”. Oh, and “storms” hit US coastlines EVERY year. If he means hurricanes, you’d be hard pressed to find a year since the beginning of the 90’s when that has NOT happened. Good call Pat!

Oh, and “if I heard the Lord right”, what the fuck Pat? God’s talking to you and you are to busy/distracted to pay attention.? Or is that just a CYA maneuver? Hmmmm.

If there really is a God, I expect the tsunami will hit Virginia Beach, and only cause damage to one lardass for-profit faux prophet’s demesne.

The earth is God’s footstool, and the stars are God’s daisychain.

P.S. Pastor Swank = Madeleine Bassett.

Personally, I just am amazed at the balls it takes to blame God for the effects of global warming after decades of pretending there’s no such thing.

We know there are tsunamis and we know where they are: to the north, south, east, and west of the United States, somewhat.

[putting on rubber-soled shoes]

[continues reading]

Yo, Pat: God didn’t say “Northwest,” he said, “Your ass.”

Someday– it may be hundreds of years from now, but someday people will be locked in padded cells when they claim God is talking to them. It’s one thing to worship whatever Flying Spaghetti Monster you choose. I’m all for that. But the motherfucker is NOT talking to you.

After reading this post, I dropped by the Almighty’s place – first time I’ve been there in at least a thousand years. And what does that old bastard say? “DA, get the phuck out of my house.�
“Nono, wait! I have a question.�
“Ask,� he said; “then depart from my sight, foul demon.�

“Okay, okay. Do you speak to Pat Robertson?�
God scratched his mighty head. “Pat Robertson,� he mused. “Is that the one who said I’d smite him if viewers didn’t produce a million dollars?�
I shook my head. “No, that was Oral Roberts. Pat Robertson is already a millionaire. He hosts this show called ‘The 700 Club.’�
God’s brow furrowed in thought, then: “Oh, him! Okay, now I know who you’re talking about. I’ve tried calling him a few times, but the line is always busy. So no, I haven’t talked to him. Why?�

“Roberts says you’re going to bring on storms and a –“ But God beat me to it: he’d already applied his omnipotence to the problem, divining all the crap Robertson had been saying in his name.

He sighed, and a mighty thing it was. “I should do something about him. I usually try to leave those nutcases alone and concentrate on humble people with true Gifts of the Spirit, but this is getting out of hand.�
“What are you gonna do?� I asked.

He shook his head at me: “I said one question, then out. You asked your question, now the Power of Me compels you to go back to Hell, or Earth, or wherever just as long as it isn’t bothering me.� Then poof, he cast me out for the second time in six thousand years.

Y’know, when a funnymentalist xian predicts NATURAL DISASTERS are coming… to those places where they’ve been known to occur on a somewhat regular basis… and then try to impress on me that this is, somehow, Gawd showing us his displeasure, well, frankly, I remain unimpressed. Hurricanes in the south this year? Again? Yaaawwwnnnn.
Now, if Gawd wanted to really get my attention, he should do something novel. Hit Dover, PA with a tsunami, ’cause of their eviloution! That’ll show ’em! Drop a six-mile-wide asteroid on Washington, DC. Sure, sure, that would kill me, too. And probably the vast majority of earth’s population. But, it’d sure get our attention for a millisecond or two!

We need the Druids to save us all.

Forget it. You cut down our trees. Save your own lazy asses.

You know, sometimes I think these people aren’t actually Christians, but some kind of hideous elder-god Cthulhu cult. All they seem to do is sit around wishing for destruction on various groups of people, and paving the way for their deity to return to earth and whisk them away while subjecting the entire rest of the world to hideous carnage.

Of course, if my suspicion is correct, that means we’re going to have the last laugh, since Cthulhu doesn’t really give a shit whether or not you worship him, and all their efforts to be spared will be for naught.

the one who gives his followers booze and orgies to show His love for them, instead of plagues of locusts and stuff.

Eh, sorry to double-post, but…man, Bacchus is kind of the rock and roll Jesus, isn’t he? He even came back from the dead and everything.

Does the NSA listen in on God’s conversations with Pat?

Every wire. Every frequency. All the time.

Ah. God must still be angry about the whole Starbuck’s phenomenon. I can’t say I blame Him.

Starbucks?? I’d say Microsoft, for sure. And maybe Bill Gates himself as well.

Oh, so that’s why the Dominionists like global warming! It gives them better chances for more storms and storms with more force. I finally get it.

And, though I love my hometown of Seattle with all my heart, it just doesn’t have anything on gay like San Francisco. If G-d’s going to bother to send a tsunami to the West Coast to show us all the horror of teh gay, why on earth hit Washington or Oregon? Why not hit the gayest gay mecca in the world?

I guess G-d’s aim sucks.

If he were president, the front headlines would have read:

ONE DEAD IN IRAQ

God, please take Pat Robertson home soon.

Did any of you hear the dead kennedy’s song for viva las vegas? That sucker rocked…

If he found out about the hurricanes in January, why did he wait until May to warn us? Isn’t a disaster countenanced by the Almighty, well, urgent?