Two-Minute Townhall v. 120-Second Townhall Death Match!
Posted on May 17th, 2006 by
2MTH says: All I wanna do izza zoom-zoom in a boom-boom.
120STH adds: Fo’shizzle dizzle my nizzle fizzle bizzle.
| Wingnut | Two-Minute Townhall | 120-Second Townhall |
|---|---|---|
| William Bennett | I’m betting that you’ll love my new book, which provides somewhat conclusive evidence that the war on terror began more than 200 years ago, on the shores of Tripoli. | Thanks to President Bush, we’re on the verge of winning the war on terror which started September 11… 1801! |
| Walter Williams | I worry that the United States is moving to restrict personal liberty with excessive government control and abuse of — what’s that now? Spying on Americans? Tracking their phone calls? I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean. I was talking about economic regulations. | Got me a shiny trophy, bitches! | Lorie Byrd | Fellow conservatives, I implore you: Please don’t destroy the Republican Party! It’s the only one we have! | Not happy with your elected Republican officials? The only solution is to vote for them and get more people to do the same. |
| Michelle Malkin | Illegal Mexican immigrants sold fake IDs to the Sept. 11 hijackers, and I can provide directions to the parking lot where they congregate every day. | Some people call it a license to drive. I call it a license to hijack and murder. |
| Tony Blankley | Republicans should be willing to compromise a little on the whole secure borders thing. Right, wingers? | Let’s all get ready for the US Civil War of… 2587! |
| Terence Jeffrey | The president’s speech may have signalled the beginning of the end of the Republican Party. | Too bad that catch phrase Sadly, No! is already taken, as it forces me to write “The answer is a resounding and exasperated no!” instead. |
| Thomas Sowell | Some people in the media saw the Duke rape case from day one as a matter of taking sides rather than seeking the truth. They want to be on the politically correct side and the facts be damned. That’s why I’m pretty sure those white boys are innocent. | I’m not a white man but I play one on Townhall. |
| Brent Bozell | [Free form entry — you make the call!] | Whatever bad things Bush did, Clinton did way worse so shut up. |
| Jonah Goldberg | No one will ever know that I’ve stolen Tom Friedman’s bag of metaphors. | Might as well face it, we’re addicted to crack and Mexicans. |
| John Stossel | Believe it or not, you can’t really believe everything you see on television. | Koko the Monkey is a great deal smarter than Jim Cramer. |
| Kathleen Parker | Duke University is to blame for providing those poor boys with access to the movie American Psycho, and the media are to blame for basically crashing a hijacked airliner into their house. | Blacks sure have it easy today — unlike us whites. |
| Linda Chavez | Perhaps if we just wait a generation or two, I’ll bet all these Latino immigrants won’t seem quite so strange and exotic. | Racism has a long and distinguished history in the US. |
| Ben Shapiro | Talking about homosexuality is really not so different from participating in actual gay sex. Or so I’ve heard. | Please please please don’t make it ok to be gay — I don’t know what I’m liable to do if that ever happens. |
| Nathan L. Gonzales | Evangelical voters are nothing without the Republican Party. Nothing! | What Lorie Byrd said, only with the word “evangelicals” thrown in about a dozen times on top. |
| Jacob Sullum | I feel bad even saying this, but I think the NSA may have overstepped some legal bounds, insomuch as these things matter. | It’s ok for Giant to track down my condom purchases, but I won’t stand by as the NSA tracks my late-night calls to Pastor Swank’s Psychic Hotline. |
Now that’s what I call wanking!
Comments: 36
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Jeebus, you actually wandered through all those mounded piles of verbiage? That’s gotta leave a mark…
“Racism has a long and distinguished history in the US.”
Priceless.
Ah, but it does have a long and distinguished history … the Southern Strategery lives!
Ben Shapiro:
presumably, third graders may be learning about the sexual proclivities of Allen Ginsburg.
Yeah, ’cause so many public schools are teaching Beat Poetry to 8 year olds…
I say it’s high time Ben Shapiro came out of the closet.
Dude! There’s a Pastor Swank Psychic Hotline?? Pleasepleaseplease let that be a free call…
Ooh, tough call, but I think I’m going to have to give it to Two-Minute Town Hall.
I used to think these “shorters” were just for laughs, but they really do reflect the true content of the articles.
Homosexuality remains a controversial practice, and our public schools should not be a breeding ground for liberal values that may very well undermine parental wishes.
Parental wishes? Wishing that your child isn’t gay isn’t gonna make him straight. And all the gay education in the world isn’t going to make a straight person gay.
I would say among the people I know that homosexuality is not that controversial. Being a twenty-something virgin, on the other hand… that’s a little weird if you ask me.
And it’s Allen Ginsberg with an “E,” you culturally-impaired dipshit.
Hey, you fuckers want to teach “intelligent design” down in red-state Jesustan, go right ahead. But don’t bitch when blue-state California wants to include the history of teh gay in their classrooms. See how it works?
And all the gay education in the world isn’t going to make a straight person gay.
But it can cause a person to be more open to committing homosexual acts, until they are addicted to homosexuality.
I’d say you’d nailed Ben Shapiro, ba-dum-ching. Why do the wingnuttia think that this kind of thing means that the 3rd grade teachers are going to say, “And children, Allen Ginsberg was gay, which means he did THIS:” and then cue up the gay porn video?
But it can cause a person to be more open to committing homosexual acts, until they are addicted to homosexuality.
Wait a second. So in your world, Gary, it’s not a sin to do it occasionally, it’s the addiction that’s the problem. Like gambling! I can fuck all the guys I want as long as I can stop whenever I want? That’s GREAT!
“But it can cause a person to be more open to committing homosexual acts, until they are addicted to homosexuality.”
I wish like hell I could quit you…
Does anyone still think Gary’s for real? I don’t see any way he could be.
Gare-bear’s just expressing the unspoken values of the Republican Party: sex of any kind is just fine and dandy as long as you don’t get caught. After all, the party’s chock full of closet cases, adulterers, and child molesters. Any sex is fine as long as it’s hidden and hurtful.
Sadie, I suspect our little friend is so far in the closet that he doesn’t realize what he’s just admitted to us. Self-knowledge isn’t exactly the Republicans’ forte.
But it can cause a person to be more open to committing homosexual acts, until they are addicted to homosexuality.
That’s the funniest thing I’ve read here in a while.
Guess what? If you are “open to committing homosexual acts,” YOU ARE GAY. Period, end of story. I live in Los Angeles and I’m a professional musician. I live in a very gay-friendly neighborhood. Lots of my friends and colleagues are gay. I’ve been hit on by gay guys. But you know what? On the few occasions that has happened, I just politely told them I’m not gay. BECAUSE I’M NOT GAY.
You Xians who talk about the delicious, tempting sin of homosexuality like it’s some secret, hedonistic pleasure are SO FUCKING GAY.
Not happy with your elected Republican officials? The only solution is to vote for them and get more people to do the same.
Hey…maybe there is some chance for common ground between the right and the “left”…this sounds like what a lot of progressive Democrats have to say about their party.
Why does the Ben Shapiro gay-sex link point to Microsoft Corporation? Is there a clever “Ben Shapiro has a 3 1/4 inch floppy” joke that I’m missing, or is Bill Gates finally implementing his plans of world domination (starting with Ben Shapiro)?
Sadie, I suspect our little friend is so far in the closet that he doesn’t realize what he’s just admitted to us. Self-knowledge isn’t exactly the Republicans’ forte.
You can’t spell “Gary” without G-A-Y.
But it can cause a person to be more open to committing homosexual acts, until they are addicted to homosexuality.
Confess dark secrets inadvertently to online strangers much Gare-bear?
I would say among the people I know that homosexuality is not that controversial. Being a twenty-something virgin, on the other hand… that’s a little weird if you ask me.
Fucking bingo.
I love how in Ben’s column he refutes the notion that certain people in history were homosexual by pointing out they were married. Gee, it makes one wonder why rumors about Tom Cruise still linger.
Oh, that reminds me–speaking of hot, gay sex….
Guess what? If you are “open to committing homosexual acts,” YOU ARE GAY. Period, end of story.
Well, you know, it’s not like a binary thing.
I mean, it’s possible as a male to have sex with other men, yet still prefer any woman to Ben Shapiro.
Shorter Kathleen Parker:
“So those kids may have raped a stripper. Look, they get straight A’s! Doesn’t that count for anything?”
If I’m not mistaken, those boys may have painted some schools or something, as well.
Koko the Monkey is a great deal smarter than John Stossel, too.
120 second TH gets teh win.
Also: Harvey Milk was important among gay people, but gay people aren’t important. Despite the fact I talk about them all the time.
Some people in the media saw the Duke rape case from day one as a matter of taking sides rather than seeking the truth. They want to be on the politically correct side and the facts be damned. That’s why I’m pretty sure those white boys are innocent.
As long as the accusations don’t keep them from selling their kidneys at a fair market price.
If I’m not mistaken, those boys may have painted some schools or something, as well.
And Ghandi rose from the dead just to tell them what a good job they’d done.
I love how in Ben’s column he refutes the notion that certain people in history were homosexual by pointing out they were married.
Like Oscar Wilde?
Gary Ruppert CAN’T be real. Nobody could possibly say something that stupid and actually MEAN it.
Wow, great tabulated wankery. You should try the ‘Wank-cel’ Wankery Analysis Spreadheet, though. It pull data directly from those new NSA databases, too!
Thats a complete misrepresentation of Sullum, FWIW
His articles on NSA and Executive Excess…
http://www.reason.com/sullum/022206.shtml
http://www.reason.com/sullum/022206.shtml
If you think that constitutes apologism i dont know what you’re smoking.
JG
Look dork, Jacob Sullum is a libertarian, not a Republican. He’s waaaaaaay more of a privacy wacko than you could ever dream of being. He’s written a book on drug prohibition titled Saying Yes, for pete’s sake. If you’re gonna make fun of him for being a political wingnut, at least make fun of the wing that he’s actually on.
His response over on a libertarian blog is, “They Have to Be Wrong, Even When I Agree With Them“