My Arguments Sound Better When No One Can Hear Them
Posted on January 4th, 2010 by Tintin
ABOVE: M. Edward Whelan III. (If you think this Photoshop of Whelan
is an exaggeration, click here.)
Shorter M. Edward Whelan III, J.D., Esq., America’s Shittiest Website™
Staging a Show Trial on Same-Sex Marriage
- The trial in the court challenge to Proposition 8 in California shouldn’t be televised because televising federal trials is illegal* and because the arguments in support of proposition 8 are so stupid it will make all of us who oppose gay marriage look like the anti-evolution crowd in the Scopes trial.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Sadly, no! Whelan, who purports to be a lawyer, claims that the Judicial Conference of the United States “opposes all broadcasting of civil and criminal cases in federal district courts.” Nuh-uh. In 1996, the Judicial Conference adopted a resolution letting each Federal Circuit decide this issue for itself. And the Ninth Circuit, which is where this case is being tried, has decided to allow television cameras in selected cases. Perhaps Mr. Whelan’s ineptitude at basic legal research is one of the reasons that Mr. Whelan is collecting wingnut welfare from the “Ethics and Public Policy Center” rather than practicing law.
Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™
You could have PS’d Whelan as the hatchet killer from The Last Action Hero.
By the way, a “show trial”? Is that like a musical?
FAB-ULOUS!!!
Oh look. This decade looks just like the last one. The Sadly Noughts.
ASW tees up a fresh round of stupid, what with Whelan’s idea that turning on a camera = show trials, and here some classic shorter Little Tommy Sowell: Obama is just like any other commie. Like Bertram [sic] Russell.
Douthat, naturally, joins in: “Last decade, Republicans pretty much fucked up everything America had going for it. Now why won’t Democrats listen to some more great ideas?”
I thought “show trial” was the term used when a despotic nation tried and convicted dissidents of crimes they didn’t actually commit in order to strike fear into the citizenry and frighten them from future dissent.
Wingnuts seem to think that publicly open court proceedings = sham.
Of course, the point here isn’t to make a real argument. It’s better understood in the way of Pantload’s book: casting the effort to strike down Prop 8 as illegitimate in advance of the trial doesn’t have to make sense: it just needs to provide cover for those who want to froth about (and occasionally strike out at) an “out-of-control” judiciary.
Or maybe it’s just too damn early in the morning for me to rise even to the level of mockery.
The judge, Vaughn Walker, was appointed by George the First and is a noted conservative on many matters. He is no flaming liberal.
Whelan research PHAIL.
Hey wasn’t Clinton’s impeachment trial in the Senate televised? SHOW TRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL
Does Whelan believe OJ’s not guilty verdict was a just result? He was clearly in a show trial
“I thought “show trial” was the term used when…”
I thought tea-bagger was the term used when… wingers fuck everything up, language included.
I love show trials. Jazz Hands is a perfectly acceptable legal argument, and still makes more logical sense than anything the Rights can come up with in favour of that piece of hate legislation..
Anyway, isn’t Whelan a member of the Wingnuttia Glee Club? He should love show trials, he gets to be the center of attention even if he is just a part of the supporting cast.
I love show trials. Jazz Hands is a perfectly acceptable legal argument</i
I prefer the prosecutor’s “dog and pony show” in the first act.
I also prefer closed tags…
Whelan’s premise, by the way, is that the Scopes trial was a bad thing. Is he a creationist?
What Photoshop?
I prefer the prosecutor’s “dog and pony show” in the first act.
It’s only surpassed by the defense’s “Tijuana Donkey” argument in the second.
Whelan’s premise, by the way, is that the Scopes trial was a bad thing. Is he a creationist?
Perhaps he just has halitosis.
That picture…geez louise, what happened to Ben Affleck ????
I also prefer closed tags…
C’mon, open trials and open tags are what make democracy work!
Look out for “The Same Sex Marriage Wookie Defense”. It basically says that if two wookies can’t distinguish each other’s gender except by smell, then its illegal for wookies to have perfume, also. Yes, I know that doesn’t make sense, that’s why its so dangerous.
Wuzza-wuzzup, loony libs? Hate to break it to you silly socialists, but Da Cool Coach is going out on TOP! You always thought you’d catch up to the rockin beats of this cool con, but the joke’s on you! You’ll never be as with it as the New GOP, as much as you try! And ya better believe that with this conservomentum, we’ll take back Congress this year and the White House in 2012! Badoodle-boo-yeah!
Later, taters! You just got hit with a SENDOFF SPREAD! Urban out.
SENDOFF SPREAD
I dated her in college. She came and went.
I did trust the shorter, but still felt the need to delve deeper into the existential whine, which seems to be “it’s not fair if you make us logically explain or legally defend our fucked-up ideas in public.”
Also. I found a link to this from the Pantload:
Capitalism Fingered as Fiend of the Past Decade, the gist of which is “pointing out problems with capitalism is just like advocating collectivism”, similar to other wingnut plaits about how noticing when things aren’t working all that well equals hating America.
Holy figgity frakadoodle – that’s some monster fast rulemaking. Public comments due in by the 8th to implement the rule, and then institute “a pilot or other project” of mocking teh h8ters (an official one that is) by the 11th. Wowzers, that’s fast.
Consider for example the last set of rule changes they implemented. They had finished all those rulemaking steps and posted the revisions on October 22 – for rules effective Dec. 1
Whelan’s not completely wrong – the judicial conference opposed but didn’t attempt to forbid cameras in district courts, while remaining neutral on appellate courts. The reason for opposition, however, was potential intimidation of jurors and witnesses. No jurors in this case; I assume no witnesses either, and regardless I’d expect any witnesses in this type of case to be pretty sophisticated political players and not easily intimidated.
Meanwhile, Judge Walker is acting very curiously. I never argued in front of him, but I’ve been in his courtroom, heard him speak elsewhere, and read his opinions. Arch-conservative, and not very smart. Not sure what’s going on here.
Think I’ll remain anonymous for this comment.
Hmm, it’s Perry v. Schwartzenegger. Is Arnold unwilling to testify on TV?
Arch-conservative, and not very smart.
But you repeat yourself.
We must remember this is Wingnuttia we are dealing with. If they had kept the tv cameras out then Eddie Krueger here would be whining about how they are covering something up and keeping the prop 8 proponents from getting a fair deal. Remember, any decision made by a librul or a judge (in Wingnuttia all judges are librul) is automatically wrong.
Ok, and since WP seems to have worked out its fucked-up issue with links, I’ll continue:
Setting aside the fact that we’re the ones who have been “fingered by capitalism” – and not in the good, pleasurable way – over the past several decades, and not the other way around, there are more gems to be picked from the Pantload here. As in when Jonah compares the unfairly negative assessment of capitalism’s record over the past decade with the following:
Never mind for the moment that since capitalism is a system rather than a person, and as such is not likely to suffer the effects of predjudice based on negative stereotyping, given that Goldberg is well-known for his support of racial profiling, we don’t have to “imagine” the above, because Jonah has a burgeoning porfolio of examples where he’s done exactly that.
Broadcast the damn trial. It’s not illegal, it just hasn’t been practice in recent times. Since the GOP’s position is either based on “the Ba’ble says so” or “Eeewwwwwww!” it should be interesting watching them argue it in a court of law.
Oh c’mon … we all know real lawyers don’t do any actual research. They do their lawyerizing by gut instinct, just like real Presidents do their leaderizing, and real economists do their … economizing.
Besides, it’s much easier to get a check from a cult leader or some don’t-really-have-to think tank. To do otherwise would require some **gasp** actual work.
This makes me wonder if Walker is looking at this as his opportunity to do some grandstanding and perhaps cash in on some wing nut welfare.
This guy is such a legal expert, he thinks that Hamilton Burger is a 10$ order at an In-N-Out Burger.
CUM, you sound like a white guy channeling Michael Steele doing street talk, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Jeez, Jen, I lost count of the FAIL in that Doughbob scribble. I guess I put it down to the fact that as ever, Doughbob is out of his depth. Still, this is vault copy:
Except the problems with capitalism — greed, theft, etc. — aren’t capitalism’s fault, they’re humanity’s.
Yeah, baby, gun’s don’t kill people, people kill people. Also.
Ps. If there was a free market in opinionating, Doughbob and his friends would be victims of creative destruction. Look how 2009 worked out for the idjits at NRO, Doughbob and his rampant inflation obtaining FAIL cum laude.
Evil Bender:
it just needs to provide cover for those who want to froth about (and occasionally strike out at) an “out-of-control” judiciary.
Yeah, I’m going with “laying groundwork for undermining an unfavourable outcome” here. It’s the NRO, they’re the lynchpin of the RWNM, this is strategic.
He must be thinking of Plastic Bertram.
“Ca plane pour moi, ca plane pour moi,
Ca plane pour moi moi moi moi moi
Ca plane pour moi,
Ooo-OOO-ooo-ooo…
Ca plane pour moi!”
Stupid French commies.
Anyone seen this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBNw5vWkx-c&feature=player_embedded
I am so glad that I stopped watching television, particularly “news” channels. I would have smashed it to pieces had I seen that.
“…more gems to be picked from the Pantload here.”
Is that what the kids are calling dingleberries these days? I’ll pass, thanks.
Know who’s advocated for televised trials?
Hitl…Tom Sowell, that’s who. No, really.
Hume: Tiger Woods can only be redeemed as a person if he embraces Christianity.
Like Mark Sanford. And Ted Haggerty. And Larry Craig. And Jim Bakker. And…
Oh, shit, this is just too easy. What a dirtbag.
Address my point, Sadlies! When are you gonna talk about my stunning analysis of Obama pics?
Except the problems with capitalism — greed, theft, etc. — aren’t capitalism’s fault, they’re humanity’s.
Well, I mean, he’s right.
Sort of. Greed is a human failing, to be sure, as are envy, jealousy, anger, you name it, so what society needs to do is to provide plenty of obstacles TO ACTING UPON THAT FAILING, in ways that society deems unacceptable.
What capitalism does, in essence, is perform the work of Satan, tempting Christians to sin. You can’t blame Satan for the sin (indeed, most churches have doctrine that specifically exempt the devil from blame), but you can have help avoiding him.
You know, like making sure income and wealth are distributed more equally. Also.
Except the problems with capitalism — greed, theft, etc. — aren’t capitalism’s fault, they’re humanity’s.
Well duh. Capitalism would be an arguably acceptable system if human beings weren’t greedy, dishonest bastards, which is why anyone who thinks it through wants the market to be regulated at the very least.
In other words, what Actor said.
/Department Of Redundancy Department
JNM,
You said it shorter.
Besides, that would be true of ANY economic theory, because in theory, they all fucking work.
It’s just that once you’ve input humans into the system, they all collapse under the human factor.
Also.
True dat. Carry on.
Get a room.
I believe it has already been addressed pretty comprehensively…
Y’know who else got a room?
Your mom.
anyone who thinks it through
I think I see the problem right there.
Well yeah, I could see why Ed would be sensitive about that prospect since, in the past, he has employed that very tactic.
Except the problems with capitalism — greed, theft, etc. — aren’t capitalism’s fault, they’re humanity’s.
If humanity had no shortcomings like greed or lazyness etc. then capitalism would work better… of course socialism would probably work even better under those circumstances.
I could see why Ed would be sensitive about that prospect since, in the past, he has employed that very tactic.
Oh? He’s that Ed Whelan??
One and the same. Pleasant chap.
Pleasant chap.
You’d think he’d be all about exposing the gay conspiracy in American jurisprudence, “outting” it, as it were.
Y’know who else got a room?
Your mom.
With HITLER!
That face makes me want to stick something up his ass just to see if it will register some sort of expression at all.
What Sirius Lunacy said.
Capitalism legitimizes greed. At least those types of greed allowed by the Establishment. If greed weren’t so predictable a human trait, capitalism would be pretty fucking hopeless; and free market theory would implode as incumbent firms fell over themselves not to make any profit.
C’mon, open trials and open tags are what make democracy work!
The law is like XML: if you care about it, you probably don’t want to think too much about how it’s made.
XML is like legal sausage: You both get dirty, and the dog doesn’t learn algebra anyway
Oh come on. If someone wants to tear your family apart you should at least accord them the courtesy of not exposing them to public ridicule.
XML is like legal sausage
Veiled adult penis reference.
Setting aside the fact that we’re the ones who have been “fingered by capitalism” –
Mah fingAHS. Please excuse them.
With HITLER!
I was just thinking that this thread needed a bit more HITLER! Just like your mom.
Excuse MAH Fingahs
I was just thinking that this thread needed a bit more HITLER! Just like your mom.
Your mom has so much Hitler, she stopped cooking with her gas oven.
If…you know what I mean. *nudgenudgewinkwink*
Capitalism Fingered as Fiend of the Past Decade
Really…. I prefer dinner and a movie first. Is that so much to ask?
If…you know what I mean. *nudgenudgewinkwink*
I’m suddenly reminded of the ending to The Marriage Of Maria Braun.
“It’s just that once you’ve input humans into the system, they all collapse under the human factor.”
And so you blame ME for your failings? I would work perfectly if it weren’t for you pesky humans. After global warming kills you all off we will enter the golden age of Capitalism.
It’s just that once you’ve input humans into the system…
…you have a hell of a mess to clean out of the card punch.
It’s just that once you’ve input humans into the system…
…you have a hell of a mess to clean out of the card punch.
Not if you intend on a stew: just hose it down and heat it up.
Now, if you wanted a casserole, then you’d have a problem…
It’s just that once you’ve input humans into the system…
Now, keep in mind that the Wingnut Processor is designed to work with WINGNUTS, so Milwaukee Law Firm and Fonzie Impressionists advise me that we are not, in fact, inputting HUMANS into the system….
Making laws and making sausage have one thing in common. Your mom. And “to get to the other side”, also too. That might be more than one, but I’ll be damned if I’m turning it into yet another End of Year Top Ten Lists.
Oh wait, I am damned.
Top 10 ways that making laws is like making sausage.
10. Shut Up, That’s Why.
9. Sausage making involves grinding meat (ask your mom), while the wheels of justice grind very slowly but exceedingly fine. So lawmaking involves grinding justice into an unrecognizable mass of goo.
8. Breaking the law will leave a permanent mark on your record and seriously affect your freedoms. Breaking your sausage – even worse.
7. Sausage makes vegetarians puke. Law-making? Does the same for everyone.
6. Are you still reading this? I thought I already told you Shut Up That’s Why.
5. Both have the same objective. Stuffing in as much pork as possible.
4. Both involve butchers.
3. Laws stitch together the fabric of society. Sausages? Link not for teh squeamish.
2. BM Matt’s admission of his love of having sausages rammed into his mouth and his disagreement with Teh WundEzra Kid Klein about whether quality or quantity is teh important factor in getting sausage really emphasize the point – Both show up together in ridiculously overthought metaphor analyses.
1. PENIS.
A strip club named the “Boobie Bungalow”.
Apparently, Tennessee has one redeeming characteristic.
That 45-year old Holt Road resident’s girlfriend is really crafty sounding.
Well, she must have been needling him.
I seriously doubt she was really his GF. More likely a hooker.
I’m reminded of how we’re to expect lawyering to be done in the future:
That’s some lawyerizin raht theah!
Why wouldn’t it be his girlfriend? He seemed like a nice enough guy, didn’t seem all that crochety.
You’ll believe any yarn he spins won’t you?
Well, you have to admit there’s a thread of truth there, but say, why are you trying to buttonhole me here? Are you masturbasting me?
You win this round, actor. My ball of yarn-puns has run out. But next time we meet it’ll be a different story.
I think that Captain Crochet Needle would have been better off purchasing medical-grade urinary sounds if that’s how he wanted to roll.
I believe that I am because I have common sense. And I have, I believe, the values that are reflective of so many other American values. And I believe that what Americans are seeking is not the elitism, the kind of a spinelessness that perhaps is made up for that with some kind of elite Ivy League education and a fact resume that’s based on anything but hard work and private sector, free enterprise principles. Americans could be seeking something like that in positive change in their leadership. I’m not saying that has to be me.
But next time we meet it’ll be a different story.
You can hem and haw all you want, but it’s not telling stories out of spool to say that I am the superior punster.
El Cid, dude you’re getting too subtle. I *know* about you and I was confused by that last post.
Broadcast the damn trial. It’s not illegal, it just hasn’t been practice in recent times. Since the GOP’s position is either based on “the Ba’ble says so” or “Eeewwwwwww!” it should be interesting watching them argue it in a court of law.
The standard conservative argument against gay marriage – and no matter how you vote, if advocate banning basic rights because you “disagree with someone’s ‘lifestyle'”, you are conservative, my friend – makes me think of this. ‘Cause that’s all it boils down to, really.
You know what would be sweet? If the Prop 8 teevees broadcasts were hosted by Ashley Banfield. Teh poutrage would be FAH-BU-LOUS.
Ashleigh. Apologeighs.
Actor, your ribbing does often have us in stitches.
Actor, your ribbing does often have us in stitches.
He’s ribbed, for extra pleasure.
Actor, your ribbing does often have us in stitches.
He’s ribbed, for extra pleasure.
It seams I should be offended, but collar me tickled.
I was channeling someone far, far more subtle and inexplicable than I at my best.
I always look forward to the pearls of knit-wit that Actor has to offer.
I wool faithfully execute the office of resident of Sadly, Knot.
Bless you Brad for your high-larious review of recent fast food sins. I think you got all the recent innovations which made me go ‘blecchhh’. Although I really got to give props to the KFC bowl for just being the saddest among them, which actually makes up an entire Patton Oswalt routine (“a failure pile in a sadness bowl”).
I wool faithfully execute the office of resident of Sadly, Knot.
PENIS, Fried sheep division.
yarn-puns
haven’t a clew, meself
conservomentum
i dunt believe in perpetual mulching machines
haven’t a clew, meself
You’re being a pill.
You’re being a pill
i’m a frayed so
i’m a frayed so
There’s no need to angora me! I did nothing to you!
The alpacalypse looms nigh.
The purls of wisdom in these threads (get it? threads?) never scissors to amaze me.
The purls of wisdom in these threads (get it? threads?) never scissors to amaze me.
You dropped a stitch
If only I had mohair, I could knit my brow.
Angora let ya finish…
When I want yer gol-durn opinion, I’ll just damask ya!
I’ll just damask ya!
Well, it appeared to me that you were on the road to Damascus! Sew? Spit it out already!
Yarn puns.
yeesh.
Yarn puns.
yeesh.
We don’t cotton to your kind of attitude round these parts…
What are you, some kind of Linen-ist?
That’s got to be the worsted of the worst puns!
You guys go on to the next thread and alpaca the car.
Wurst puns? Ah, I see we’re back on topic…
Ah, tell it to the merinos, Snowwy.
And here I thought General Petraeus was responsible for the Serge.
I am so glad that I stopped watching television, particularly “news” channels. I would have smashed it to pieces had I seen that.
fuck yes; money quote; ‘…. i’ve heard he [tiger] is a Buddhist.I dont think that religion offers a way to forgiveness & redemption that is offered by the Xtains…..’
what a fucken moron…..
Damn. And I am beaten by a worthy foe. Well done, actor.
That’s shear nonsense.
Oh, such jaquard.
It looms large, does it not?
Yall are just limbs of Satin. You have no compunction, do you?
Also: http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/ohenry/punoff.htm
I’ll host the pre-event drinking.
I knew y’all was muslin terrerists!