Die Verwandlung (UPDATED)
One morning, when Tim woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin named Tintin. Oh dear, even I, as the real Tintin, find that to be a disturbing prospect.
So imagine the horror of the real Tim, a commenter at “The” Gay Patriot, when he opened an email from Bruce Carroll — “The” Gay Patriot himself — and found out that he wasn’t who he thought he was but was instead me. (Of course, Tim should be thankful that Bruce didn’t post a picture of him on his blog with the caption “Gay Terrorist,” but that’s another story.)
So Tim sent me an email with the horrible news, wondering whether I, as the real Tintin, could turn him back into Tim. I offered to do the kiss the frog and turn him back into a prince routine but Tim, wisely, declined, muttering something about how he’d sooner be hacked up with a machete or be forced to have a three-hour dinner at Wendy’s with Dan Blatt, “The Other” Gay Patriot.
After that, we agreed that the best way to give Tim his true identity back was to print the email chain, or at least the best parts thereof, because that might effect the transformation and, if not, would at least provide some amusement.
For those who might not be connoisseurs of the unintentional hilarity that makes “The” Gay Patriot such an appealing web destination, you need a little background first. Dan Blatt is “The Other” Gay Patriot. Not having been able to get a full-time gig at Starbuck’s, Dan spends every single freaking day writing 20-30 posts from any free wi-fi place that won’t kick him out when he doesn’t order anything other than one small cup of coffee. Notwithstanding his prolific posting, Dan frequently complains that he’s just too damn busy to fact check or spell check himself, usually making that complaint after someone just pointed out yet another goof-up by Dan. What else are readers for, he asked, if not to provide the spelling corrections and fact checking that he is just too whipped to do himself? No, seriously, he said that.
Our story starts with Tim sending an email to Bruce as well as to Colorado Patriot and A Gay Joe, two of the other supposed Gay Patriot bloggers, saying that he was getting just a wee bit tired of all Dan all the time.
Dear Sirs:
So do any of you ever post at GayPatriot anymore? Part of the reason I did enjoy the site was that it wasn’t one static person, but many contributing different viewpoints to the blog. This doesn’t seem the case anymore. Right now you have to go back a full SIXTY (60) entries to find anyone but Dan contributing. …
While I appreciate Dan’s insight, it gets repetitive and old. He’s already conceded he doesn’t even read over the entries anymore for spelling and grammar, and many of his recent entries have had to have factual information about his posts corrected by readers.
…
Maybe if no one else is going to contribute, we could change the name and I could start frequenting some of your work individually, since diversity of opinion or thought on the site seems woefully scarce right now.
Thanks for your time,
Tim […..]
Well, of course, ColoradoPatriot and A Gay Joe, no doubt having long ago decamped because of Dan’s antics, did not respond to Tim’s email. Bruce does, however, and his reply back is polite: he explains that he has to work hard to pay the mortgage and to buy dog food. But he promises to post a little more over the coming days.
That would have been the end of the story, probably, if Bruce hadn’t gotten all torn up one night on Southern Comfort Old-Fashioneds and then decided to get out his gay sleuthing kit to discover the true identity of this presumptuous ingrate who dared to send him an email criticizing the best gay Republican website in the universe. (To be fair to Bruce, Gay Patriot may be the best gay Republican website but mostly because we’re talking a really, really small universe here — three or four blogs top, including the ridiculous lesbian, Ms. Cynthia “Buy me a latte and a really big salad” Yuckley.)
Using the same sleuthing skills that Bruce used to “discover” that MoveOn.org was secretly controlled by teh gheys at the Human Rights Campaign, Bruce “discovers” that Tim is Tintin and Tintin is Tim. So Bruce decides to whack Tim with Teh Ghey Patriot Hammer.
Tim-
It is unfortunate that you sent your email under such disingenuous pretenses that I even bothered to write back.
It is clear to me based on tracking your email, your comments (IP) on GayPatriot, and your server information at Sadly, No! — that you are the main blogger at Sadly, No! [Ed. note: I am not the “main blogger” at S,N, but I am the main one at S,N to poke a stick in the Gay Patriots’ cage.]
I certainly don’t mind criticism [Ed. note: Er, no.] — as I think my previous response showed — but you are a complete fraud by not disclosing your association with Sadly, No where you routinely attack Dan & I [sic] in a vicious and personal way.
If you have any comments to direct at me in the future, I suggest you grow a set — be a man [Ed. note: This is what is commonly referred to as the tea kettle cozy calling the doily lavender.]– and just come right out and ask directly as the writer from Sadly, No!
Hypocritic [sic] assholes are not welcome at GayPatriot. [Ed. note: If only.]
-Bruce (GayPatriot)
www.gaypatriot.org
Of course, I assume most of you have noted Bruce’s hilariously stupid assumption that any comments on his site would be coming from the Sadly, No! web server rather than from the commenter’s own ISP. (For example, when I’ve left comments at Brucie’s site, WordPress, which Bruce uses, will clearly identify that my comments come from Comcast’s servers.) Fortunately for Bruce’s employer, I don’t believe he works in their IT department.
Anyway, this will all just leave Bruce convinced that I am Tim and Tim is me, which just adds to the comic possibilities here. But maybe when Bruce reads this (and you know he will) he can, er, “grow a set” and reveal the evidence that led him to his startling conclusion.
<taunt>The sound that you hear now is the sound of Bruce running out of the room like a scalded dog.</taunt>
UPDATE: “The” Gay Patriot himself showed up to leave a lame comment, with a typo, of course, which is not surprising since he left the comment at an hour that suggests that he’d had enough time to down a few Appletinis to work up the courage to stop by.
All teh proofs that am needed is your ham-fisted attempt at denial, TintinTim!111!
~
I am Tim and Tim is me
Which leaves Bruce as the Walrus.
Really, children, let’s not start that argument again. It doesn’t matter who is gayer than who, everyone is sufficiently gay in Jesus’ sight.
“It is unfortunate that you sent your email under such disingenuous pretenses that I even bothered to write back.”
It is also unfortunate that the above sentence is the textual equivalent of the man who holds a gun to his own head, threatens to shoot, and then does. With that “even” it makes no sense.
Still, is anything funnier than badly-expressed indignation? Oh shut up. Nothing is.
He knows it was you because Tintin and “Tim” both begin with the letter T, end in a consonant and the you both use a computer!
This is even better than the douche nozzle who got your handle confused with Rin Tin Tin. However, I think the pshop here is all wrong. It should be Bruce (if that is his real name) as Sherlock Holmes. Smoking a crack pipe instead of a meerschaum. (And Bruce, I know Downey is snacktastic, but masturbating throughout his latest movie did not give you Holmes’ deductive powers.)
And yeah, I could conduct a Psycho-Fristing of poor Bruce. I could say it shouldn’t come as a surprise that a gay Republican is prone to a touch of paranoia because those fuckers really are out to get us. I could point out a gay Republican assuming someone else has a hidden identity is a classic case of projection, but frankly, fuck him (only not really, I do not stick it in teh crazy).
he’s just too damn busy to fact check or spell check himself
Plus the fact that last time he “spell checked” himself in public, the folks around him complained to the manager and he got thrown out.
Maybe Bruce is halfway intelligent and Tim is located in Erfurt, where the sadlyno.com is apparently hosted?
In that case, I have servers in New York and London. If I start hosting a comedy blog, I guess a lot of people are screwed.
But that makes sense: Tintin is titled “Tim and Struppi” in german. (In case you wonder, Struppi is the dog).
Perhaps the “gay patriot”* has a german childhood and just falls back on his childhood knowledge?
* Sounds like a very silly C-Class Superhero
Uh HUH.
RED ALERT!
KERNERS DOWN!
Don’t anybody dare tell Schmucklock Holmes about proxies or he’ll be crying into his deerstalker in no time.
The odds of this guy owning up to whatever neurosis-induced brainfart brought about his L33+ H@xx0R F@1LG@5M are roughly sweet schwack-all.
Wingnuts have an inborn/inbred phobia when it comes to admitting personal defect, ignorance or error, ever. Like they were taking “morning-after pills” – but theirs are to prevent mental progress, & have way more side-effects!
True Horror Story: Long ago, in a far-off millennium, I had a hard-biting yen to do exactly that. My reason told me I was making myself into both a victim & a clown … my limbic system told me “HUBBA HUBBA!”
Was there joy in Mudville? Did jim get some action for a change? Sadly, nyet. As vicious Cupid would have it mete, my would-be Ophelia declined to oblige … a disappointment which I strongly suspect to be a major reason why I have kept it attached at one end just the way I like it – right to this very day.
Shorter Timtim: Oh snap!
Ya gotta love his last line:
Hypocritic [sic] assholes are not welcome at GayPatriot.
It’s the doily/cozy thing again.
I’m waiting to see if Bruce grows a pair. A pair of breasts.
Which is really strange since a hypocritic be someone who is less critical than normal. It’s like the tea cozy telling the tea pot to fuck off.
OT (“T”? right), I saw “Avatar” last night, and it was teh awesome! The wingers are right–it’s a tree-hugging, America-hating screed against everything they hold dear. By all means see it. And pay the extra buck to see the 3-D version–totally rocks!
‘Nadly, So!
PeeJ wins.
I hate it when Dad and Dad fight…
I can’t get past wondering what kind of assholes ARE welcome at the Ghey Patriot.
Really, aren’t we all, in some sense, Tim?
None, I suspect, as the position is already filled.
…
I can’t get past wondering what kind of assholes ARE welcome at the Ghey Patriot.
Bleached?
is Tim an Enchanter?
The fact is, the only gays worth anything are republican ones.
Are they worth, say, 3/5 of a hetero white male property owner, Gary?
There’s precedent for that, you know. It was in tha CONSTITUTION!!
I love a man with a healthy …portfolio.
As a person who clicked the link to the newly-conservative-lesbian post and spent at least an hour reliving that triggerfest, may I just say humourless dildo?
If Sadly, No had its own server the e-mail Tim sent wouldn’t have gotten there yet.
An even more horrific metamorphosis took place when some poor blattid found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin named Dan Blatt.
golf clap for B^4
golfroach claip for B^4Fixxored for entomological accuracy!
You gotta remember to put the roach clip on so your roach will have that fresh crispness all the time.
they’re so cute when they try to use their brains. it’s like watching 2 years olds trying to tie their shoes…
Ah, this makes me fondly recall the adventures of our industrious girl sleuth, Amy Alkon, like The Case of the Persnickety Phone Call
Seems we’ve finally found a gay patriot Hardy Boys to Alkon’s Nancy Drew.
I AM TINTIN
Um, who has a cosy for their kettle*? That would be the sign of a madman. Oh, wait…
*I’m not saying I’ve never used a tea cosy. Even misanthropes like me have grandparents who occasionally need to be visited and brews made. I just don’t know why you’d use it on the kettle. Surely the pot would get cold? It’s insane I tells ya…
I’m Spartacus.
I am Tintin, and so is my wife!
I am Iron Man.
Needless Tintinnabulation
Tintinnitus?
I’M
SPARTACUSTINTIN/TIM!!!!Like a moron calling an imbecile an idiot, even.
Between lazy & stupid, I’m surprised anything gets done at Gay Patriot HQ besides the dishes.
‘Nadly, So!
Screamed. Fell on the floor and DIED.
.
.
.
Say a prayer for me, this Purgatory thing is getting old already.
I am
SpartacusInigo MontoyaShivaJohn GaltBatmanIron ManTimtin
Tintinnabulum.
As vicious Cupid would have it mete, my would-be Ophelia declined to oblige
Well, there’s your problem, right there. You should have prayed to viscous Cupid, like the gay patriot. (He can be a bit slippery, though.)
If Sadly, No had its own server the e-mail Tim sent wouldn’t have gotten there yet.
FEEL THE BURN!
Also, I have a confession…
Between lazy & stupid, I’m surprised anything gets done at Gay Patriot HQ besides the dishes.
They pay an undocumented guy from Guatemala a pittance to do the dishes. The guy tells me he makes a mean plate of Snotchos for them on a regular basis.
Who needs to sleuth when you can have a shit moat?
Ah, the Bush legacy coming home to roost. They weren’t called the zeros for nothing. I knew it was bad, but sheesh. The next time anybody spouts anything about “Conservatives” being good on fiscal shit, they’re going to get a swift kick in the yarblockos from me.
What? All that was Bill Clinton’s fault. Everything now is Obama’s fault. Pfffft.
Never install body parts in ANYONE crazier than ones’ self. The early (like 5 minutes into the ‘relationship’) psychological assessment WILL save your life! Dammit.
Ah, the Bush legacy coming home to roost. They weren’t called the zeros for nothing. I knew it was bad, but sheesh. The next time anybody spouts anything about “Conservatives” being good on fiscal shit, they’re going to get a swift kick in the yarblockos from me.
Yeah, we were Boliviaized. Thank you, Milt, Alan, zombie Reagan, Cheney, et al.
I understand that a millionaire who just had treatment for a heart condition in Hawaii has proclaimed that America’s healthcare system is just perfect and needs no reform, since the care he received was just great.
The next time anybody spouts anything about “Conservatives” being good on fiscal shit, they’re going to get a swift kick in the yarblockos from me.
I like when they rant about the 1970s and stagflation. What a terrible decade, what with the 24% employment growth.
WAPO
Yeah, that’s a puzzle that needs to be worked on. But where to start? It’s not as though anyone was warning us about these things.
I see Grant $$$$ “Did Chile Growers Along the Middle Rio Grande Destroy the U.S. Economy”
Well, it was the last, and only other, time there was a whole year where the market was below where it had been a decade before. Generally, the market makes gains over ten year periods. That would have been from around May ’74, so it must have been Carter’s fault, though Teh Clenis could have been involved too. God only knows what it was doing in the ’70s.
Nobody could have foreseen…
Ah, the Bush legacy coming home to roost.
Well, in fairness that situation was a long time in the making, and required the contributions of both parties. But as usual with shitty things that are bad for most people, it needed complete Republican control in order to gestate and grow into full maturity.
Hence my Back Away from the Born Again rule. Sure he looks cute now and maybe you can get him to speak in tongues. But you never know when “I’m forgiven so it’s OK with God if we fuck like crazed ferrets,” will become “God says one of us has to be punished for fucking like crazed ferrets, and I’m saved so you’re the only sinner in the room.”
I guess you could have a three way and be ready to run like a thief when the Baby Jesus tells your TalEvangical pal he wants a sinner’s scrotum, but how would you write the personals ad for that?
I see Grant $$$$ “Did Chile Growers Along the Middle Rio Grande Destroy the U.S. Economy”
So, the chile growers were the ones to hatch the plot to destroy the economy?
I AM
SUFFERING FROM A BIT OF SINUS CONGESTION AT THE MOMENTTINTIN!Apparently some right wingers hacked the Huffington Post’s Twitter news feed and all they could come up with was lame locker room taunts and “Vote McCain 2012.”
Major fail.
Did someone say “FUCHING FERRETS?”
“how would you write the personals ad for that?”
SWM + EWM seek SWM for romantic sunsets, long walks on beach and sausage-hiding. Ability to speak in tongues or tongue in shitboxes not required but desired. Tolerance for Jeebus praising and deep shame preferred. In case of the voice of Jeebus or other celestial spirit being heard, must be willing to be thrust to the forefront. Sacrificial scrotum required.
No fatties.
Funnily enough, if I were to hack a conservative Twitter feed, I would probably write “Vote McCain 2012”.
“It is unfortunate that you sent your email under such disingenuous pretenses that I even bothered to write back.”
Possibly Bruce could see into the future and knew, or had a hunch that it would be unfortunate for him that he wrote back. Like most of the life of a gay Republican, I’d imagine living with some misfortune, such as being gay, is just a regular day in the life.
Whatever Bruce honey, you go on with your bad self –denial.
Can’t these gay-hating gentlemen keep their Tims straight?
does anyone else still flinch when they click a lfg link? in my mind i still hear “you are a idiot! ha ha ha ha ha!” even though the intertrons are quietly loading the page just like normal.
Considering what sort of person the wingnuts regard as a “patriot,” i.e. a deluded, stupid neanderthal with no real opinion except those elicited by their anger at having to pay their share of taxes, I think gay people should be very pleased to discover that there is only one gay person in the whole country on the “patriots” side.
I TOTALLY FAIL TO SEE THE CONTROVERSY HERE. ALL LIBRULS ARE A BUNCH OF GAYLORDS. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
No flinching anymore. Still not convinced about Mr. Johnson (A successful attack & he could wig out again.) but I’ll give him some credit for stopping that bullshit.
RE: lgf,
It sort of shows how completely bugfuck crazy the “mainstream” right has become when Chuck gets back in the boat and waves off the mangos. While it is true that he had been known to boot the most noxious of his commenters, they had to be pretty damned noxious before he did. When the near side of the Overton Window spins the Head Kerner In Charge around 180 degrees as it whizzes past, there is something drastically wrong with the public discourse.
Sadly, No where you routinely attack Dan & I [sic] in a viscous and personal way.
Fixed for humor in a jugular vein.
I AM TIN-TIM!
I AM
NOTSPOCKI am, I cried!
I am, said I.
And I am lost,
and I can’t even say why….
All. One. Guy. Named Tim.
Yesterday, at the Gym
I met a man who wasn’t Tim
He wasn’t Tim again today
Cranky emails will make him pay
I AM TIMTAM!
I WEAR TAMS!
Has anyone seen Tintin? I think I saw him under Captain Haddock a while ago…
That’s strange. I got a haddock. What do you take for it?
That’s strange. I got a haddock. What do you take for it?
I take calamel.
I am Tim and Tim is me
and you are we and we are all together
also: TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH TIMMEH!
I’d walk a mile for a Calamel.
Wow. That took you longer to post that I had figured.
So, big boy, what’s you’re proof that I am the commenter who sent you the email? And how would the Sadly, No! shared webhost server also be the ISP that he was using to post at your blog? Do you even know how teh Intertubz works?
Eh, Brucie, are you still there? We can’t hear you. I guess you had to rush back to your struggle against gay marriage. When you get a moment, GP, drop us a line with your “proof.”