I am actually trusting the shorter this time. Derbyshire is such a fucking creepy fuck.

Oh shoot.

I foolishly jumped off the boat, thinking, “Come on, that can’t possibly be what he said”.

My bad. That is what he said. Note to self: Always trust the shorter. Always, ALWAYS trust the shorter.

The problem with gun control is it limits men’s opportunities to fondle, clean, and oil phallic symbols in public.

“faffle wafting”? Kinky.

I didn’t trust the shorter…but have no gun to kill myself. Point to Derbyshire.

Hey Derb, as you stated, there are many, many other ways to kill oneself.

Pick one.

(Is this too harsh? If so, I apologize, Derb brings out my inner homicidal maniac.)

The problem with gun control is Derbyshire keeps shooting himself in the foot.

Yes, thank heavens we haven’t succumbed to the radical agenda of controlling, outlawing and confiscating all firearms that Obama campaigned on and promised to enact….oh, wait…

It is just a question of time until the Mother Country succumbs to our faffle.

Also, “The ‘mother country’?” Doesn’t he mean “The Fatherland”?

The shorter is so good I’m going to just trust it. Absolutely.

Okay. Fine. I just didn’t have anything better to do. While I still absolutely trust the shorter, I did read the original. To find that Derbyshire is, as usual, full of shit.

Someone should remind this noble Briton, however, that you can only shoot yourself if you have access to firearms. In Britain that means you need to be a career criminal.

No, John, it doesn’t. It means one’s access to handguns is severely limited. Shotguns (and rifles, iirc) are abundant even though one must obtain permits.

So in conclusion Derbyfart, fuck off.

So some brit subway announcer says something sarcastic and The Derb’ thinks he can turn it into a joke about gun control in America. Talk about your ‘optimistic faffle’! (see what i did there, i’m as hilaritonous as The Derb’ his own self.)

faffle flaffle mo maffle, banana fana bo baffle….

“Jeeves, instruct the gamekeeper to unlock the firearms cabinet, clean the Webley Mark 6 revolver, load it with a single bullet, and leave on my desk desk in the study. That’s a good chap.”

I admit, I was curious. I’m…still trying to figure it out, though. America is such a great country because the average citizen has the power to shoot himself? Would we be an even better country if more people shot themselves?

Obviously, if the NRO staff are really devoted to gun rights, they should, you know, prove it.

So his argument against gun control is that the British have to kill themselves in an inconvenient manner in response to a joke by a subway announcer.

…the opium fumes of Yes-We-Can! optimistic faffle wafting over…

I think there’s a type there, but I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe he meant “waffle fapping”, which is discouraged by both the American Medical Society and the European Culinary Institute. Of maybe he was referring to the “Awful Fafblog” . Or maybe he was endorsing the Falafel Walrus . I just can’t be sure.

Would we be an even better country if more people shot themselves?

Yes.

Seriously, do pricks like Derbyshire actually get paid for this one-minute-spew of brain turd? This can’t really be some persons job can it?

OK, OK, I went over there.WTF is the point of his post?

We have a gratuitous slap at Obama (“Yes-we-can”), a totally unrelated false assumption about gun control in Britain, and a sour plaint that only criminals can shoot themselves?

Did he put this together by pasting phrases he cut out of previous columns into a new document?

Perhaps the new Department of Death Panels can help these people.

“I’m afraid it’s the razor, the noose, or the railroad tracks — and the last, only if you are lucky enough to be near the tracks when a train comes along.” -Derby

I love the idea of someone jumping on the tracks when there’s no train and going “Aw Dangit!” Christ, what a stupid ass.

And also if it’s so great to be pessimistic why hasn’t John taken the big jump, instead of rooting for other people to do it to prove his point.

“Derbyshire” is so smitten with all things English, he can’t help rhapsodizing about the “Noble Britons” in the “Mother Country” who refuse to succumb to the “optimistic faffle” here in the colonies. His real name is probably something like “Cletus Turdknuckle”.

Derb is the one who likes very young girls, right? I have such a hard time telling these right wing jerks apart.

.WTF is the point of his post?

Please to remember that this is the same douchebag who said that his argument that women’s “salad days” are between the ages of 15-20 was totally legit because a lot of 15-20 year-olds are raped.

Just don’t even try. Your head might explode, and that would be sad.

Dude thinks he’s Oscar Wilde when he’s really Abe Simpson.

His Lordship Jonathan Derbyshire-Upon-Thamesbury, viscount Worcestershire, Baron Hufflesby-Carrington-Smythe, Shamblesby Worthingston wishes to express, in the utmost faffingly manner, his displeasure at Her Majesty’s realm’s gun restrictions. If only firearms were more readily available, the lower sorts would be more inclined, one supposes, to take their own useless lives. Also, Hopey McChange is a wanker, also.

You might as well live.

Also, “The ‘mother country’?” Doesn’t he mean “The Fatherland”?

Well, no. He seems the type to have more “mother issues” than “father issues.”

The type who’d call his wife “Mummy,” if you know what I mean.

Must. Trust. The…aw, hell, Moe’s comment made me go read this thing…

Satire, a very British form of humour, is clearly lost on this humourless dildo.

When suicide is outlawed only outlaws will commit suicide.

repo FTW!

You’re not allowed to kill yourself in America anymore. Welcome to Obama’s Republic of Hitlerstan.

Just groovin’ on some 311 tonight. More Creed later, perhaps Human Clay?

I tried to come up with something clever and funny, but all I got was “geez, what a fuckin idiot.” Oh well, maybe next time.

One must perceive a connection between Derbyshire and the classic philosophers. It saddens me that my feeble mind can’t seem to grasp the logical coup that is the very idea that the freedom to shoot oneself is painfully envied by those unfortunate souls who ride the tube and don’t like it. By extension, they are even more oppressed by the fact that an angry tube rider cannot shoot several riders due to the lack of irresponsibly easy access to guns. Well done, Sir Derbyshire. Well done.

Satire, a very British form of humour, is clearly lost on this humourless dildo

Hello Kitty beats him with a stick.
~

In case no one knows what’s going on, he’s basically plugging his stupid book.
http://www.amazon.com/Are-Doomed-Reclaiming-Conservative-Pessimism/dp/0307409589

Customers who bought Derb’s doo-doo also were suckered into: “The First Assassin.”

How’d that happen?

The problem with gun control is a gentleman can’t take the honorable way out when some prole releases the photos of his long, languid evenings at the petting zoo.

I’m afraid it’s the razor, the noose, or the railroad tracks

Socialized medicine is so dreadful one can’t even get enough pills to do away with oneself!

And please, don’t you dare suggest that people who live in a country surrounded by water have another means of ending it all.

How to Be a Fop, Chapter Eight:

If all else fails, there are still three ways to ensure that you are indubitably a fop, popinjay, or ninny. Any one of these ways will forevermore assure your fop-itude:

1. Don a powdered wig and powder your face until it is ghostly white. Apply a large fake mole to your cheek or aside your lip. Prance strenuously.

2. Wear an inordinately large monocle while flitting about the house exclaiming “what, what” and/or “I say”

3. Use the word “faffle” in a sentence, preferably in some combination with the word “wafting.”

I would gladly hand him a gun to shoot himself with.

If I had to imagine anyone who would fap to the flashback with the orgy in 18th-century garb in “JFK”, it would be Derbyshire.
(For the record, I have never had to imagine that. But it would be irresponsible et cetera.)

The Derb is just pointing out that here in the good ol’ USA, passenger frustrations over service can be an interactive exercise. One need not be constrained to just offing yourself, you can share, maybe turn a few bystanders in byproners.
Christ, the poor guy’s probably had to ride Amtrak without free commentary.

I believe he’s actually a wanker.

I’ve never read John Derbyshire, but I’ll not be out on a limb in saying that whatever constitutional he shat this morning is of more use and value than any of the regular posters (and the commentariat) on this utter shithole of a website.

And your photoshoppery sucks, you know.

Mommy, I made a poopie! Then I taked a pitcher and showed it to the libs and they were all oh noez, we’ll all be right-wingers now becuz you made a poopie and that means teh preznit is a socialicommiehomonegrofascist!
…Mommy, I had a down-there feeling again. Help me help myself.

I sure have a thing for shit, don’t I? I take pictures of my own. That makes my thoughts valid.

Shithole website whore troll is whoring for a shithole website. Yawn.

I find Derb’s obsession with wattle-frottage very disturbing.

Shithead trool falls of his shitty premise twig.

No one cares.
~

“I’ll not be out on a limb”

Shorter serr8d:

“I have no idea who this James Dangershire guy is, but I found this awesome picture of a turd on Obama’s face and I had to share it immediately.”

Yes.

Self-satisfied assholes like Derbs are never the ones who commit suicide.

A well-known jag-off in the well-known jag-off field. Like, he’s really a jag-off!

hah, Is that all your poo?

Weak and foolish, Serr8d.

What the fuck is he on?

Trolls are angry because their faffle never wafts.

“your photoshoppery sucks”

Photoshoppery?

PROTIP: if you’re sharing pictures of your scat with random strangers, you’re already about three cunthairs & a titwiggle away from an involuntary vacation at the funny-farm – the sort where they never have to let you out again.

I think you already have a much more worthy topic for your concern than whether a shooped painting on the Interwebs looks genuine.

What’s especially wingnutty is that he tries to somehow turn this to Obama, and some sort of complaint about people in America feeling optimistic or something.

Even the title “No We Can’t” is an obvious shot at Obama, so I expected that the Tube announcer might have made some comment about Obama, but no, his spiel had nothing to do with Obama, or even America.

It’s only connected in Derby’s deluded little mind.

Of course, I can see Derby’s point about “opium” induced optimism. Once there was this “Reagan” guy who ran around with his moronic “morning in America” and his supporters bragged about his “sunny optimism”, I’m sure Derby found that equally nauseating.

Oh, boy.

Ace and his minions are having kittens over the injunction regarding the Bill of Attainder against ACORN. Mmm, the nectar.

meh

Just followed the troll’s link to his website. Wow. ODS does not even begin to describe what is going on there.

Speaking of guns, here’s shorter John Hinderaker:

Niggers are so stupid that they shoot guns as badly as they make music.

Self-satisfied assholes like Derbs are never the ones who commit suicide.

Apparently, I’m an optimist. Who knew?

Meanwhile, AP wins this week’s Captain Obvious Award.

Oh, O/T but I just wanted to share: Here on campus I just finished a course that involved writing fiction pieces and getting feedback on them from the rest of the class. In addition to going around the room with the feedback, we’re encouraged to write notes in the margins of the copies they distribute. Well, this one guy had a reference to a switchblade being “Freudian” in his piece, and I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself…. I went ahead and wrote “Veiled PENIS reference” in the margins.
Um, so there’s that.

More good news for John McCain: Houston poised to elect openly gay mayor.

I went ahead and wrote “Veiled PENIS reference” in the margins.

Hee hee

I used to take those classes, and if there had been a Sadly, No! back then I’d have been very tempted to do the same.

Those workshops are a trip, aren’t they? Especially the beginners’ ones, where nobody has ever shown anyone else their work before. Emotions run high. The one lesson I learned from that and remember best of all is “never go to writers’ workshops stoned.”

We had this one guy who seemed completely uninterested for most every workshop, but, BUT, would instantly snap to attention if he had something to criticize. This included arguing with any classmates who defended the piece in question. Is That Guy standard issue in these classes?

Mahatma Gandhi’s Seven-headed Juggernaut Biscuit

Ingredients:
7 teaspoons angry seven-headed juggernaut
1 cup vodka
4 sticks double cream, crushed
4 cans poor uni whisker
7 sticks uncomfortable uni whisker
1 bag thyme
1 cup vanilla

Exaltedly begin praying. Separate seven-headed juggernaut lung from throat. Shred throat. Combine the vodka with the double cream over medium heat in a bowl. Stuff the resulting goo into the seven-headed juggernaut. Find some French Colombard and drink it. Pull – very gloriously – the uni whisker, thyme, and the vanilla. Pile the latter combination on to the former. Candy as if your wisdom depends on it. Serves 10.

Hey, Annise Parker won that Houston mayoral run off.

Is That Guy standard issue in these classes?

I’m happy to say I never encountered him. I hope he doesn’t last long, if you’re sticking with it.

Yesterday my garden eel Tornado died peacefully. He took a matchbox to the eye and died some weeks thereafter. I blame the ass-raping fingernails.

I’m afraid it’s the razor, the noose, or the railroad tracks

Tut, tut, old shoe, perhaps a spot of strychnine in the old Branston’s pickle would do the trick!

Maybe Derbyshire can market a line of chutney-flavoured one-shot suicide guns called “Bronson’s Pickles”.

the Seven-Headed Juggernaut biscuit will easily replace the Mudshark in my mythology.

My hovercraft is full of garden eels.

you’re already about three cunthairs & a titwiggle away from an involuntary vacation at the funny-farm

Jim, if you are not already an Australian, I understand that using language as colourful and creative and creative as this entitles you to honorary citizenship.
I mean that as a compliment.

Tnx especially, Tintin, Moe, Anthony, and Substance. I finally forced myself to read Matt Taibbi’s latest, and desperately needed a hit of laughter.

Aw, dangit, I can’t find my can of uni whisker. Can I substitute oni whisker? I think there’s a several subsisting on the dust bunnies under my bed.

“a several” being a pod of onis, in case you were wondering.

I’m not going to read Derbyshire, so I’m going to trust the gist in the shorter. He’s actually saying that the relative absence of handguns in the UK makes it more difficult to commit suicide? And that this is a bad thing?

Japan has possibly the strictest firearms regulation outside of, say, North Korea. Even long guns used for sporting purposes can’t be kept in the home, but under lock and key at a shooting club. Pistols of any kind are right the fuck out. This has been the case forever; there is no tradition of privately-owned weapons outside of lawful authorities or criminal gangs.

Japan also has the highest suicide rate in the world.

I just thought I’d throw that out there.

T

We had this one guy who seemed completely uninterested for most every workshop, but, BUT, would instantly snap to attention if he had something to criticize. This included arguing with any classmates who defended the piece in question. Is That Guy standard issue in these classes?

Sounds like someone familiar…

I blame the ass-raping fingernails.
Scuse mah fingah-NAILS!

Badoodly-oodly, loony libs!

Anybody in the NY Metro area, James Hansen lecture, with booze, this coming Tuesday, Dec 15.

Bookmark this!

If you are serious about topping yourself, then there far better, more interesting ways to do it than merely shooting yourself. After all, it is your last chance to get back at everyone and everything you hate. The American tradition of course, is to shoot lots of other people you don’t like, and then shoot yourself. Stepping in front of a train and making thousands of people late for work is comparatively benign in comparison.

Of course, for Derbyshire it is different. He has a handgun on the nightstand beside his bed, and every morning, he has to decide whether to get up, or just reach for the gun. Some mornings, it takes a while to decide. He really sympathises with us poor Britons who don’t have to make that choice.

Oh, and the comments at the telegraph are hilarious. Lots of Americans shouting about how the mention of gun control makes their tiny penis even smaller, The usual contingent of wankers blaming it all on the muslims, and so many tosspots on both sides of the pond screaming about moral decay that you wonder what century this is. Oh, and some pissed off Micks, which are always good for a laugh.

Oh, and the comments at the telegraph are hilarious.

Why do you tempt me to stray from the “shorter”?

Not… gonna… do… it!

Also, and far be it from me to distrust the shorter but…

Has this guy not heard about this fascinating practice of ‘jumping’? We here in the 21st century have a whole bunch of shit built high up from the ground, just far enough up to kill us when we suddenly stop at the end.

Best part of all, unlike razors, railroad tracks or nooses, they’re free and plentiful.

So go out today, John Derbyshire, find a large building or bridge and JUMP THE FUCK OFF IT TO YOUR DEMISE.

serr8d said,
December 13, 2009 at 2:16

Smatter, son? Your traffic is down?

…maybe you should stop posting and fix what’s broken with you…

Has this guy not heard about this fascinating practice of ‘jumping’?

My suspicion is, Derby has an ownership interest in one of those crime scene clean up businesses (a la Sunshine Cleaning), and is concerned that the recession will be a boon he’ll miss out on.

After all, a jumper leaves a stain on the sidewalk that a good rainstorm can wash away, but a suicide with a pistol to the chin leaves a wallsplatter that can take days to scrub off plasterboard.

By the way, The Red State Trike Force has devolved to urging Senate Republicans to throw temper tantrums on the Senate Floor.

You have my permission to use that as a shorter, TinTin.

Remember, murder is merely an extroverted suicide.

Also, FY hotel wifi

Has this guy not heard about this fascinating practice of ‘jumping’? We here in the 21st century have a whole bunch of shit built high up from the ground, just far enough up to kill us when we suddenly stop at the end.

But what if he is afraid of high places? I mean one could slip and fall off from those tall buildings.

Japan also has the highest suicide rate in the world.

That’s because of Hello Kitty.

John Derbyshire isn’t interested in me. Whatever shall I do?

Gas smells awful
Tailpipes clog
Guns aren’t lawful
You might as well blog

The fact is, Obama is taking away our freedoms, because he hates USA Freedom Christianity Capitalism and our COnsitution.

You’re late to the party, Gary. I thought Obama had ALREADY taken them away, which is why it was a crime to wear teabags on your hat and have a national 24-hour cable network devoted to attacking him. Moran.

John Derbyshire isn’t interested in me. Whatever shall I do?

Add a notch to your count-your-blessings belt.

While traveling through England one day I saw four men standing next to a railroad track. Every few minutes one of the men would jump on to the track and then step off again. This activity continued as I watched for about twenty minutes. Finally, I asked the gentlemen what they were doing. “Playing Russian roulette” was the reply,

Oh, and the comments at the telegraph are hilarious.

Surreal. The comments section on a story about a snarky London subway announcer becomes massively overrun with unhinged American freepers ranting about guns and cowardly Europeans.

Gun-loon ‘Free Person’ ponders the logistics of the coming wingnut insurgency:
Tons of ammunition, stockpiles of it called Wal-Mart in every town. Ridiculous amounts of bomb making supplies miles from pretty much anywhere at the local lowes or home depot.

One-stop shopping for all your right-wing revolutionary needs.

@Snorghagen: AND they have Mountain Dew, Hot Pockets and “Larry the Cable Guy: Witless Protection” DVDs for when you realize revolutionaritizing might be boring and/or dangerous..

What a concept! Genius! (sarcasm)

Gosh, thanks for that parenthetical, troofus.

More government debt fixed the economy in WWII. Why do you want Hitler to win?

Piefilter!

Am I the only one to wonder if the limey announcer dude had been reading “Neverwhere”?

>You’re not allowed to kill yourself in America anymore. Welcome to Obama’s Republic of Hitlerstan.

You know, what’s kind of hilarious is that some little while ago (I think it was post-Obama’s address to school children), there were a number of comments in these threads to the effect that what the president should do is come out strongly in favor of people not blowing their own heads off, because it would reduce the wingnut population significantly.

And once again, as is so often the case, these guys seem eerily willing to take the bait. Maybe it all really is a lot simpler than we’re willing to admit.