I would like to apologize to Ann Althouse for not coldcocking her when she glared at me outside of the washroom at the Aragon Ballroom during a Bob Dylan concert.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve laughed at jokes about Ann consuming wine-in-a-box. Truly, deeply, sorry.

I’m sorry for that too and also for involuntarily curling up my nose when I think of the rancid stank of her merlot breath.

Oh, yeah? Well I’m sorry for everything. Truly sorry. For truly everything. Top that, bitchez.

I’ll apologize when she starts AA and gets through all 12 steps./..

I’m sorry for all the times I forgot Ann is a person. With feelings. No ifs, buts or maybes, I’m just sorry. Period. End of. No excuses. As Jessica Valenti is my witness.

Let our regret for Ann’s suffering approach the Platonic ideal of sorrow, encompassing the totality of existence so that the universe itself becomes a living engine of apology.

I apologize to Ann Althouse for all the times I’ve confused her with Ann Coulter. The latter may be hyperpartisan, but Ann Althouse is always fair and non-partisan and balanced in her opinions.

I also apologize for rarely if ever blogging about Ann Althouse. I should stop ignoring her but rather make sure to pay attention to her very important, very balanced and very incisive views.

And, btw, did I mention I have a bridge to sell you all?

I am sorry I ZOM NOM NOM NOMmed Ann’s brains.

Really, REALLY sorry. Ooooogh. That is some cheap merlot.

Poor Ann. So, so persecuted. Her life must be a living hell. I am terribly sorry for all four times I’ve remembered who she was and wondered how it is that she is entrusted to teach impressionable minds. I hang my head in shame.

encompassing the totality of existence so that the universe itself becomes a living engine of apology.

That’s pretty, in a groveling kind of way.

I am sorry that I live a bare eighty miles away from Ann.

It worries me sometimes.

I apologize in advance for this comment.

I’m sorry that I’m not really Ann Althouse.

I tried to read the comments to her post. I’m truly sorry that I did that.

I’ve never blogged about Ann Eekamouse, so I guess I should apologize for insulting her by never mentioning her to begin with. Or something.

I’m sorry I threw up on my shoes last night.

I’m not in the least bit sorry I’m not Ann Althouse.

I, too, am sorry for Ann Althouse.

Whazzat? We’re apologizing to her but not for her? Aw hell, no.

I rarely apologize foir being the evil, rat-bastard, low-life scumbag biker-ex-convict-violent felon that I am, especially with regard to a ‘person’ like Ms. Althouse. Perhaps today will be that rare occasion. Or not.

I’m sorry that the last time I considered Ann Althouse, I mentally placed her with Glenn Reynolds and Mike Adams in the category of “right-wingers with unstable personalities who inexplicably have tenure.”

That was unfair. From now on, I will think of Ms. Althouse as a moderate conservative with an unstable personality who inexplicably has tenure.

Je ne regrette rien.

I am so sorry for all of it, for all the slings and arrows that you’ve suffered.

What about spitballs? WON’T SOME THINK ABOUT THE SPITBALLS?

Je ne regrette rien.

Ceci n’est pas un mea cupla.

Also, I may have once referred to the Althouse comment section as a “wretched hive of scum and villainy.” I feel I should apologize for that, but I’m not sure to whom – Althouse, her readers, George Lucas…

I’m sorry Ann Althouse is such a waste of skin.

I’m sorry that for all the years I lived in the same town as Ann Althouse, I didn’t know she existed. And I’m sorry that now that I know she exists, I’m glad I don’t live there any more.

I am sorry for not gracing Ann Althouse with my presence often enough.

I’m sorry for popping up in the most unexpected places and causing Ann to look silly when only she notices me.

I hate to break it to the giggling brigade of baloney-brained Obots here at Sadly, O!, but Ann Althouse is one of the more respected legal thinkers in the blogosphere, able to turn away your ceaseless tittering with ease, much in the same way Hillary was able to turn the tide of misogyny on you preposterous sexists until the Anointed One’s media turned their talons on her in the greatest shame the Democrat Party has ever known, the sort of thing that would turn an Ann Althouse away from you self-righteous fauxgressives and to the true blue heart of Appalachia, those Reagan Democrats who deal daily with the chuckleheads of the Obamosphere. Don’t apologize to just Ann Althouse, apologize to all of us, myself included, who have been subject to your jokes, your shaming, your hatred.

I’m sorry for the same thing that Onion Rings And Cleavage is sorry for.

I’m sorry that I keep thinking of water buffalo whenever I read anything about Ann Althouse.

Whoever she is, I’m very very sorry.

(I’m not sure I’m not getting her mixed up with Debbie Schlussel. Which one has the movie guide where movies she likes get rated with Reagans and movies she doesn’t like get rated with Marxes? That one is quite unintentionally funny.)

I’m sorry for housing two things that drive Ann batshit nuts.

I apologize wholeheartedly and sincerely, with a clear mind and conscience, for any offense, transgression, threat, insult, aspersion, slur, abuse, lie, put-down, libel or calumny, real or imagined, that may or may not have been said written, read, sung, implied, tattled, gossiped, recited or supported, by any person or persons, which may or may not have been myself (in my own person) or others, whether singly or in concert, as part of a planned campaign or spur of the moment, which may have, or have not, caused, or had been the commencement, source, instigation, wellspring, antecedent, dawning, inception, fountainhead, author, authority, authorship, begetter, birthplace, cause, connection, dawn, derivation, determinant, expert, father, fount, fountain, horse’s mouth, informant, maternity, mother, onset, opening, origin, origination, originator, parent, provenance, rise, root, spring, start, starting point, wellspring or prime mover of whatever little bug crawled up Ann’s ass.

I’m also sorry that Iris is such a low-quality parody troll.

I am very, very sorry for the liberal guilt that made me vote for Obama when that McCain/Palin ticket was sooooo confidence-inducing.

sorry i showed up at your dinner
sorry i said those things to your father
sorry i crashed through your window on acid
sorry i made a mess, sorry i bled to death
what can i do? it’s over! it’s over! it’s over! it’s over!

After clicking through and finding out who she was, only the immortal words of Dub Allbritton and Ronnie Self can capture my feelings accurately:

[Spoken:]
(I’m sorry) I’m sorry
(So sorry) So sorry
Please accept my apology
But love is blind
And I was too blind to see

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Uh-oh
Oh, yes

How can I trust the shorter, when there isn’t a shorter? Also, pudding, meat, etc., whathaveyou.

I am sorry that I occasionally see Ann Althouse’s face on the NYT opinion page, in that blurgingheads section. And it makes me a wicked, awful person that my reaction to seeing her face is, who is that again? And I am lower than earthworms, in that I have not bothered to read any of her stuff, apart from what pops up on the mockery blogs.

I apologize for fuckin’ Althouse.

Wait, that didn’t come out right.

I apologize for having more inherent value than Prof. Althouse’s legal opinions.

We apologize for being on strike when Ann Althouse was conceived.

I’m sorry for not understanding a thing Althouse wrote.

I’m sorry for being objectively wrong, despite my very nature, whenever Ann Althouse expresses me.

I can’t apologize enough to Anal Outhouse for making such a childish joke about her name. I’m really, really sorry.

I’m sorry that Ann Althouse smells funny!!!

I apologize to Ann Althouse for all the onion rings I have consumed.

I apologise again for the fault in me. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

Møøse trained by TUTTE HERMSGERVORDENBROTBORDA

Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT
Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL
Møøse Choreographed by HORST PROT III
Miss Taylor’s Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
Møøse trained to mix
concrete and sign com-
plicated insurance
forms by JURGEN WIGG
Møøses’ noses wiped by BJORN IRKESTOM-SLATER WALKER

Who are we talking about again?

Not one of you has apologized to Trig Palin.

I’m sorry that I’m too lazy to go over there and see what the fuck she is on about. Probably about TNC making one of her commenters out himself as a sheethead.

Not one of you has apologized to Trig Palin.

Trig –

I’m sorry you have an idiot for a Grandma.

stackozone wins the Internet for the day!

Congrats, and please use your new powers responsibly …

I apologize for Ann’s panties being so twisted.

I also apologize for her butthurt. I am so absolutely sorry about your butthurt, Ann.

I’m sorry that Ann Outhouse is spewing shit again.

Hey fuck all this shit, I want to know how that marrying your commenters thing is going for Outhouse?

Sorry about the whole anal tea house thing Trebeck Ann.

I’m sorry for that time I farted and tried to blame Ann Althouse for it.

(With sincerest apologies to Paul and Linda [RIP] McCartney … )

We’re so sorry, Auntie Althouse,
We’re so sorry if we caused you any pain.
We’re so sorry, Auntie Althouse,
But you don’t make any sense
And I believe you’re insanely dense

We’re so sorry but we haven’t mocked a thing all day,
We’re so sorry, Auntie Althouse,
But if you post something dumb
We’ll be sure to make some fun

We’re so sorry, Auntie Althouse,
But we haven’t mocked a bloody thing all day.
We’re so sorry, Auntie Althouse,
But you haven’t gotta brain
So the stupid you will rain …

Good evening. Tonight, “Dinosaurs.”

I have here sitting in the studio next to me, an elk.

AHHHH!!!

Oh, I’m sorry!

Perhaps he’s so ready to hate me that he didn’t pick up my bloggerly comic concision.

I don’t see what’s so comical about snipping off someone’s foreskin, even if you do it on a blog.

Isn’t anyone going to apologize for eating the plums I was keeping in the icebox? I was saving those for breakfast.

Isn’t anyone going to apologize for eating the plums I was keeping in the icebox? I was saving those for breakfast.

Forgive me, they were delicious. So sweet and so cold.

Forgive me, they were delicious. So sweet and so cold.

Well, all right, then. Just ask next time, OK?

Well, all right, then. Just ask next time, OK?

Sorry. Oh, I also ate your Cheez-its, too. I hope you don’t mind.

An OT tale of holiday karma for you, my Sadlies.

As I mentioned a week ago, I got shit-canned, and they couldn’t really tell me any real reason why. It turns out that, as things developed, it looks like the new guy they had just brought in went telling some tales. As far as doing anything really wrong he wouldn’t have had anything to tell about me but again, because they couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me why I was being shit-canned, who knows what he might have said? I was tipped off to this because I had a customer whose sale closed the day after I was fired; he called seeking keys about 4:30 in the afternoon the day they closed, and I explained to him that I had been let go, but not to worry – I had put together his closing packet with his keys and they were on my former desk in my office – just call the new guy and you can pick them up.

As I later learned, when he called the new guy, new guy was rude to him; informed him that he was “about to go home – it’s Friday.” (The office was supposed to be open till 6 every day.) The new guy then informed my customer that if he wanted his keys, he’d “better be there by 5:15” – my customer was 35 miles away and had rush hour traffic to contend with to meet that deadline. So he drives like a bat out of hell, gets pulled over, and only gets out of a ticket because he works for the county sherriff’s office. Naturally, by the time he gets to the office he’s quite upset and voices his opinion that my former employers are fucking idiots for letting me go. And new guy? His reply was “I’m glad she’s gone because it means a merrier Christmas for me and my family.” In other words, I’m going to get to keep some of the commissions on her sales because I managed to shove her out the door.

Now, in and of itself, rudeness and naked assholishness probably wouldn’t have been enough to get him fired. But it just so happened that someone had told me, 3 days after the guy started working there, that 20 years ago he had done time in the federal pen for real estate fraud. And apparently, the retards who were my employers never asked if he had a record, and he never volunteered it. By Tuesday of this week, I found out that word had gotten around management about this. So, on Tuesday evening, I called my customer – the one he treated so rudely – and asked him to call the sales manager and tell him how he was treated, and what the guy had said.

And yesterday, the new guy was fired.

So I guess tomorrow I’ll call him, and ask him how that “merrier Christmas for him and his family” is coming along. And then I’ll ask him what he asked me when I went by the office for the last time last Saturday to pick up things belonging to me and drop off other stuff: “So, have you found another job yet?”

I was able to answer in the affirmative. I’m guessing he will not be able to do the same.

To recap: in return for fucking me over, he outlasted me one whole week, and he not only won’t get any of my money; he won’t be getting any of his own, either.

Merry Christmas, motherfucker!!!!

I’m sorry that I found reading her comments on that thread to be akin to crawling up a dead grizzly bear’s asshole.

Jennifer—

BWAAAAAHAHAHA! Oh, that’s beautiful!

Jennifer–
I love how a story comes together so nicely and neatly.

I hope the dude’s family blames him for their shitty Christmas this year — the kids ignore him, the wife spits in his eggnog, etc. etc. etc.

Which, quite frankly, sounds like the holidays with my in-laws. But with less bourbon.

🙂

Yeah, when I call him, I might even add that being ripped off for $3,500 doesn’t bother me all that much when it means that not only did I not have to continue working for and with assholes for the next 6 weeks, but also that it allowed me the freedom to make sure at least one of the assholes got what was coming to him.

I have fucked
your mum
while we were in
your bedroom

and while
you were probably
shopping
for Mother’s Day

Forgive me
she was delicious
so sweet
and so old

I’m sorry that William Carlos Williams hasn’t risen out of his grave as a decrepid, shambling zombie and gnawed the faces off of Xecky and T&U for stealing his bit.

Substance, too. Pluuummmmss……

I’m sorry that in a post prompted by a kerfuffle over Althouse misspelling Ta-Nehisi Coates’ name, you have also misspelled his name, and in the same way.

Fuckin’ Sadlies . . .

gnawed the faces off of Xecky and T&U for stealing his bit.

Hey! That was an homage, not a theft.

That was an homage, not a theft.

Substance might be in some danger from Zombie William Carlos Williams, tho.

Merry Christmas, motherfucker!!!!

Wasn’t that a quote from A Charlie Brown Christmas?

What can I say?

I tried my best to sparkle or shine or something, but … I’m really, REALLY sorry I didn’t show up on the videotape, Ann.

Perhaps you might want to look into replacing your Betamax.

An OT tale of holiday karma

That was just so … so … I’ve … I’ve just got something in my eye, no, really – don’t mind me …

Oh yeah, & I’m sorry that Ann de la Maison d’Alt reminds me so much of Nurse Ratchet … & that I can’t come up with a decent joke about how totally fuckin’ Canadian* everyone on this thread sounds for some strange reason.

Sorry, eh?

——————-

* I keep having to repress my urge to howl with laughter whenever I bump into a fellow Canuck – & we BOTH immediately (& automatically) apologize.

I apologise for writing this. I was at TNC’s site earlier and was cracking up at his commentators. I come over here and have been cracking up at you sadlies. I didn’t know who Ann Althouse was before. I aplogise for that and for not caring now that I know slightly more.

I’m sorry that in a post prompted by a kerfuffle over Althouse misspelling Ta-Nehisi Coates’ name, you have also misspelled his name, and in the same way.

I’m sorry you drew attention to that and sorrier still that now I can’t surreptitiously fix it.

I’m sorry that I always preferred Altmouse.

Damn you, McGravitas!

Okay, attempt # 2 at saying something worthwhile.

Yup, disappeared for days and all I gots for a comeback is getting to the joke an hour after others and whoring a blog I ignore.

I blame Righteous Bubba. MONTHS AGO.

I’m sorry I keep mixing you up with Amy Alkon.

When I were a lad we didn’t have your facile insincere ‘apologies’, and when we wanted to express regret for the offense that someone had taken, we had to do it with Charades.

I ain’t done a damn thing to Ann Althouse. I am sorry, however, that she apparently doesn’t have any close friends who would pull her off to the side and tell her, “Honey, no” every time she does drunken “American Idol” blogging.

Cuz I can’t fight this feelinn’ anymooore!
I’ve forgotten what I started fightin’ fooooor!

Fuckin’ Althouse

Ewww. Never. Not even with Hitler’s dick.

This Is Just To Say

I have posted
the picture
that was on
your Flickr page

and which
you probably
forgot
was there

Forgive me
the schadenfreude was delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Goddamn, Jennifer, that was excellent.

Jebus, really? That’s what passes for discussion on Althouse’s blog?

I apologize for ever thinking that Althouse had a non-narcissistic thought in her head.

I’m sorry Ann Althouse is such a waste of skin.

Once again you people are trivialising THE FORESKIN HOLOCAUST.

I’m sorry that An Alt House is also classified as a human being, because it makes me and the rest of the other human beings sad.

I apologize to Tahini Coats.

My compliments to the chef,er,author for this wonderful post, despite its being marred by Ms spelling.

And the moral is-
Do not fuck with the Jennifer. She will fuck your shit UP.

Merry Christmas, motherfucker!!!!

A motherfucking asshole getting what he deserves. Now THAT’s the Xmas spirit!

Grats on your new job and bonus shaddenfreude, Jennifer.

I’m sorry she inspired my moniker.

No I’m not.

Dear Ann Althouse: Excuse us for living!

Jennifer has just given us this year’s Classic Christmas Story.

Shit, they oughta make a movie of that one.

It’s sad. So sad. It’s a sad sad situation and it’s getting more and more absurd. It’s sad. So sad. Why can’t we talk it over? It seems to me that sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Also, I may have once referred to the Althouse comment section as a “wretched hive of scum and villainy.” I feel I should apologize for that, but I’m not sure to whom – Althouse, her readers, George Lucas…

I think the apology is due to Mos Eisley.

Coates is the last blogger on earth who should make fun of typos and grammatical errors. His early posts were even more unreadable than some of the comments I’ve posted here while bombed completely out of my mind. Score another one for The Atlantic, enabler of Sully, Yggie the Stooge, Megan the Randroid, Douchehat, et al. Anyway, Coates’s posts have since improved (mine, not so much); I suspect the presence of a diligent intern.

I’m sorry for mixing up Ann Althouse and Amy Alkon, too, because it blacked out my entire neighborhood, and I lost my eyebrows, and I can’t hardly type any more, but my skin is all fresh so it was kinda like a free exfoliation, so not only do I apologize to Ann Althouse, but I am also grateful to her. And Amy.

I’m sorry that “It’s an easy mistake to make” got to the MPFC reference first.

I’m sorry Ann’s a law professor. Deeply deeply sorry.

Jennifer, your story should be made into a movie.

I hope my hellish work story has a similar happy ending before Christmas.

I have a “Merry Christmas, motherfucker” story myself, and it’s not as satisfying as Jennifer’s… but I’ll tell it anyway.

About two years ago, I was working IT for a retail chain. This company was in the habit of laying off IT people every January in the hopes of hiring cheaper replacements later in the year. And that is what happened to me. Like Jennifer, I never got an unambiguous explanation as to why I was let go.

Amazingly enough, I was able to land a better job with better pay *and* the ability to work at home as much as I want.

Anyway, when the news of my separation was released to my work group, one of my colleagues (we’ll call her “Jennifer”) marched into the manager’s office and read him the riot act. “You never appreciated Chris; he knew stuff about payroll that nobody else on the team knew; he helped us get our projects done on time; etc, etc”. What’s great about this is that “Jennifer” is a soft-spoken woman who *never* gets angry.

Later that year, the retail chain was bought out by another chain based on the east coast, and everybody, including the manager, got their pink slips. By the time this happened, the job market had imploded.

But! I was able to help “Jennifer” get hired by my current employer. She’s making way more money now than she did at her old gig. My favorite comment from “Jennifer”: “My daughters are so happy for me!”

Other colleagues fared as well, thank goodness. The manager now works for a notoriously labor-unfriendly supermarket chain.

Merry Christmas, motherfucker.

I’m sorry — who?

Mencken – who is Yggie the Stooge? Because that fucker needs a fisking, whoever he/she may be.

The insufferable Yglesias, of course.

Oh yeah, that guy. I forgot he was at the Atlantic. I apologize for that.

I apologize to Althouse for introducing her to the convenience of Box-O-Wine.

I’m so sorry to Ann Althouse that I want to film an after school special of myself so kids will learn how wrong I was when I injected mean-to-Alhouse-oids into my butt cheek and ran faster at the mean-to-Althouse honorary track meet.

I apologize to Ann Althouse for hating on Barry Bonds, because she really is the Bonds of the Legal Blogging community. I apologize to DA for saying this because I know it isn’t true. I still have unresolved Ann Althouse issues!

I apologize to Ann Althouse for posting the Goddamn Batman’s pic of her on my blog. This was just inexcusable on my part and I’m madly deeply truly sorry I did it.

Furthermore, I call upon all bloggers everywhere to make Apologize to Ann Althouse Day an annual event. May we never again allow the eleventh of December to pass without an apology to Professor Althouse.

I apologize to Ann Althouse for hating on Barry Bonds, because she really is the Bonds of the Legal Blogging community.

That would explain her enormous head.

I’m sorry,

But so is Brenda Lee.