Y’know who needs to weigh in on Tiger Woods’ penis? That’s right: Pastor Swank
Take it away, J-Swizzle:
TIGER WOODS SLUGS WOMEN YEARS BACK
J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Tiger Woods’ wife: Elin Nordegren Woods.
Tiger Woods offers his wife millions to stay married to him—so much dough per year.
Is this not one of the most outrageous inhumane offers imaginable? Can a husband who has been caught having sex with other women now offer his wife money to keep her in the same bed? Money?
Really, when has money ever motivated anyone to do anything?
Also Re: the title. While I can’t endorse Mr. Woods’ behavior, I will say that having multiple affairs does not amount to “slugging” women. If Woods were a wife-slugger instead of a mere adulterer, he’d be in much bigger trouble than he is right now.
Talk about Muslims demeaning females with such atrocities as “honor killing.” Seems as if Tiger Woods needs a basic lesson in Christian morality—regard-for-wife as starters.
And see, again, Tiger’s cheating heart really isn’t as bad as setting your daughter on fire because she lost her virginity before marriage. I understand you’re upset, J-Sweezy, but some perspective’s in order.
Women all over should claw Tiger Woods’ cheeks to add to scars already drawn by Elin Woods. It’s unbelievable that feminists are not climbing all over this item. Then they should lose a few high-heeled shoes up Tiger Woods’ sitter.
Generally speaking, feminists have better things to do than worry about a rich male celebrity’s consensual penis-related activities.
“Standing by her man” does not equal reaching out for Tiger Woods’ bank account. Reason would conclude that she’s already got her grip on most of it if hubby’s antics reveal more devilment.
No doubt that indeed will happen as the other women—plural, no less—pick up fat checks from journalists detailing those escapades under cover.
Swank seems to really enjoy writing about Tiger’s under-cover devilment. Methinks he was stricken with unholy arousal whilst typing this column.
But money plus more money in Tiger Woods’ case is beside the major point. The fellow is beyond help if he bases the marital healing on what’s in his wallet. Yet that is what is reported.
Not healthy at all. Not.
Amazingly, Swank seems to have a worse understanding of how “not”-jokes work than Borat did. And Borat was, like, trying to mangle the English language.
“Is this not one of the most outrageous inhumane offers imaginable?”
And is her accepting of luxe big-bux offer not indicative of something? Namely of fallen-state Woman post Eve, the temptress in whose arms Man has so historically found defeat and damnation?
Dilute! Dilute!
I. Do. Not. Understand. What. The. Fuck. Swanker. Is. Saying.
I. Don’t. Think. He. Does. Either.
Also.
Women all over should claw Tiger Woods’ cheeks to add to scars already drawn by Elin Woods. It’s unbelievable that feminists are not climbing all over this item. Then they should lose a few high-heeled shoes up Tiger Woods’ sitter.
Pastor Swank, or Pastor Kink?
PeeJ, where the hell have you been?
Then they should lose a few high-heeled shoes up Tiger Woods’ sitter.
Translation from Swankese to English, please.
“Then they should lose a few high-heeled shoes up Tiger Woods’ sitter.” = “They should kick his ass.”
Not healthy at all. Not.
You never know with Swankspeak, but I don’t read this as an attempted joke. I read the last sentence as a way to stress the previous one’s point.
Thanks, Brad. I kept thinking that Swank meant to type “Shitter,” and that he was telling feminists to clog up his toilet, for some reason.
to weigh in on Tiger Woods’ penis
I did not need that mental image. You can take it back now.
Wow. Rich celebrity guy cheats on wife with gold-digging women.
Shocking. Unheard of. What’s the world coming to?
Not healthy at all. Not.
So it IS healthy? I KNEW IT!
And wouldn’t the proper cliche (paging Jonah Goldberg!) for feminists be Birkenstocks, rather than high heels?
“Why then would she be offered dollars maximum to keep the male half intact?”
Dollars Maximum and the Male Half Intact is what I’m going to name my next black metal/ska Huey Lewis cover band.
TIGER WOODS SLUGS WOMEN YEARS BACK
Women years are about 0.9 man years. That’s how they live to be older. And the “woods slugs” are the bright yellow kind that live in the pine forests. Other than that, I have no idea what he’s on about.
Rich semi-black, semi-Asian guy cheats on Nordic blonde wife. Insert additional racist stereotypes at your leisure.
I think (& it is frightening that I can comprehend this buffoon’s prose stylings) Pastor Fuzzmeans that, by having affairs w/ dames to whom he is not married, Woods has set feminism back thirty yrs. Of course, this makes as much sense as saying that gay marriage will cause opposite-marriages to break up or not even happen, but, you know, any chance to rage at women, right?
Dollars Maximum and the Male Half Intact is what I’m going to name my next black metal/ska Huey Lewis cover band.
Will you do Einstuerzende Neubauten covers?
???
Pony polish?
Sweater extruders?
Boots made for walking?
Birkenstocks, rather than high heels?
Yes, and they’re “hairy” Birkenstocks.
I did not and will not click through (ATTS, that’s my
mottomantra). I therefore have no idea whether he did or did not weigh in on the reputed enormity of Tiger Wood’s PENIS. I shall be surprised if he did not at least allude to that.(I flew to PA, loaded a huge truck with (one of) my sister’s crap and drove said truck to L.A. for her. Then unloaded said truck. Flew back to PDX and spent a further two days recovering. Thanks for asking)
“Then they should lose a few high-heeled shoes up Tiger Woods’ sitter.” =
“They should kick his ass.”Pastor Swank has Tiger-pegging fantasies.Fixed it is for justice of the greatest.
Have y’all ever considered trying to get a stealth interview with the Swankster? Tell him you’re from Amarillo Christian magazine and see how much crazy you can get him to churn up?
I’m also too lazy to end blockquotes properly.
I refuse to believe that the second name of Woods’ wife is “Mondegreen”. You people are just making this up.
Women should claw Wood’s cheeks? Feminists should put high-heels up his butt? Instead, it seems, quite a few white women want to fuck him, huh?
I keep reading “bases” as “tases”, which is very confusing.
And so feminists should high heel his sitter and not healthy. Not. Not even some healthy. Only not.
You should click through. In the full text, Swank admits that he was one of Woods’ secret lovers. He was fine with it when it was just him and the wife. But once he learned about all the others, he decided morality should prevail.
I give Swank plus 5 point for working in a Muslim shout-out.
However I must deduct 80 points for failing to blame the whole Tiger Woods imbroglio on B-rock the Islamic Shock Hussein Obama.
Ten women? Tiger has outdone the Clenis on the bimbo eruption front. And Elin, she’s now probably charging $15 mil per bimbo, with the rate to go up with each additional revelation.
Y’know, I almost feel sorry for the Swankster. I mean, the word “crazy” gets thrown around a lot on blogs like this one, usually in reference to people who, while they might have severe character defects, those defects still don’t really rise to the level of actual certifiable insanity. They might be dishonest and cynical (like Krauthammer) or dishonest and stupid (like Malkin) or lazy and stupid (like Goldberg) or just plain old thick-as-two-planks dumb (like Bobo Wens), but you still get the idea that they can be trusted to roam about unsupervised without becoming a hazard to traffic and pedestrians. Swank, on the other hand, really does seem to suffer from some sort of mental disorder, if his periodic outbursts of word salad are any indication of the mind that spawned them. (Also, isn’t he only a pretend pastor? I seem to remember Tbogg or someone mentioning he doesn’t actually have a real congregation but just works out of his living room or something, which, if true is just really, really sad.)
Which explains the good pastor’s concern.
I refuse to believe that the second name of Woods’ wife is “Mondegreen”. You people are just making this up.
She has a twin sister, you know. I am not making this up.
I refuse to believe that the second name of Woods’ wife is “Mondegreen”. You people are just making this up.
Well, excuse me, while I kiss this guy.
“However I must deduct 80 points for failing to blame the whole Tiger Woods imbroglio on B-rock the Islamic Shock Hussein Obama.”
You’re right! Pastor BikeSeatSniffer is losing his edge. In reading this, I had the distinct feeling that something was missing. How could I have not noticed that?
Actually, I think this might be the most coherent Swank column I’ve read. He’s mad that Tiger Woods is getting more bumper than a fender shop and thinks feminists should kick his ass because, apparently, it’s the job of feminists everywhere to police rich celebrities who screw around. And as a dude who self-identifies as a feminist yet owns no high-heel shoes, what should I be putting up Tiger’s sitter? My kitchen shoes, perhaps?
Also, isn’t he only a pretend pastor? I seem to remember Tbogg or someone mentioning he doesn’t actually have a real congregation but just works out of his living room or something, which, if true is just really, really sad
He preaches stirring sermons to the dust bunnies under his couch.
Ha ha. Elin has moved out:
And the bidding will start at $20 million per bimbo!
“Then they should lose a few high-heeled shoes up Tiger Woods’ sitter.” = “They should kick his ass.”
I believe the Swank-English Translat-o-tron would render that as “They should stick their stiletto heels up his poop chute.” Then the Translat-o-tron would tip itself into a large puddle of water to end its miserable existence.
My staunch refusal to read anything about this latest Big Story does not preclude me from finding a tiny logical flaw in the Swangster’s polemic: if Mrs. Woods is accepting money as payment for Mr. Woods’ alleged pecadillos, does that not make her a pimp? The Pastor is not a racist, he’s a feminazi!
And no, I won’t listen to reason. There’s nothing in the middle of the road but yellow lines and dead pecadillos.
The girl with colitis goes by. She’s probably the 8th mistress.
Matt T.: You don’t go barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? I do. Well, not pregnant.
Is this not one of the most outrageous inhumane offers imaginable? Can a husband who has been caught having sex with other women now offer his wife money to keep her in the same bed? Money?
I know, these lousy modern times, right? At George Burns got Gracie a classy silver centerpiece.
At LEAST, dammit. Goddamn modernity mucking up my comment.
There’s nothing in the middle of the road but yellow lines and dead pecadillos
Them’s good eatin, I heard tell.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Pastor Swank.
Pastor Swank who?
That is what is reported. An escapade under cover. Money? Not.
and thinks feminists should kick his ass because, apparently, it’s the job of feminists everywhere to police rich celebrities who screw around.
If feminists were the way Swanky thinks they are, they’d use this to turn more unwitting college girls away from Jesus and leg-shaving to lesbianism and Lady Hecate Satana or whatever she-satan would be named.
Hey, Matt T., how’s the Crescent City? Settled in?
commie a, there were “reports” that the pre-nup was being re-negotiated. Guess that didn’t work, thanks to the Pastor’s hard-slugging column & the national response to it.
whatever she-satan would be named.
“Mrs. Benjamin.” I still shudder thinking about 3rd grade.
There’s nothing in the middle of the road but yellow lines and dead pecadillos
Them’s good eatin, I heard tell.
I tried yellow line in a curry once but half an hour later I was hungry again.
I just want to know when the guy ever found time to play golf.
I just want to know when the guy ever found time to play golf.
Well, one woman in the Orlando area claims he’d call her for “quick, urgent sex.” She also says “hair-pulling was what really turned him on.”
Every time I think I’ve read the worst possible writing ever, I sit down to a healthy dose of Swank. And then I KNOW I’ve read the worst possible writing ever. Holy living fuck is he awful.
I just want to know when the guy ever found time to play golf.
Well, he was working at putting it in the hole.
(Somewhere, Carl Spackler weeps)
Matt T.: You don’t go barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? I do. Well, not pregnant.
At home, sure. At work, not so much. My feet have been described as “Hobbit-esque” and the health inspector tends to frown on such things.
Hey, Matt T., how’s the Crescent City? Settled in?
Getting there, thanks for asking. I got a kick-ass place on Dumaine in the French Quarter with a seriously cool roommate, and the job hunt is looking like it might bear fruit. I start at one place Friday morning and I’m waiting to hear back on the particulars at another. Both are a little more intense than what I’m used to, but one has to assume a bit of a leap from dining in Athens, GA, and New Orleans. I’m getting more familiar with the Quarter and the tourists are starting to ask me for directions. Once I’ve got the job thing where I like it – which might take a bit, as it’s currently relatively dead in the Quarter – I’m going to work on finding a band that needs a bass player..
It’s all been a bit heavy and overwhelming, but I’m having fun, almost everyone I’ve come in contact with has been incredibly cool, and I’m totally confident in a positive outcome. For I am bad like Jesse James.
Tiger was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time.
“You broke my heart, Tiger“
Jessie James?
Good luck, Matt. Sounds like you hit the ground running. Hard to do, that.
FYWP!!
Thanks, M.B., apparently my google skillz let me down. Huffpost (which, duh, I should have totally checked first) sez Ellin is getting $5 mil up front and another $55 mil if she acts the dutiful wife for 2 more years. Which would seem to be a problem if she has, in fact, moved out.
So the existence of a pre-nup agreement, which was signed before Tiger and the Mrs. were married, which may or may not have been re-negotiated, is proof of Tiger paying his wife to stay with him while he continues his sexcapades. Got it.
You know who else hit the ground running? Tiger Woods, that’s who.
Can a husband who has been caught having sex with other women now offer his wife money to keep her in the same bed?
Because no philanderer has ever offered his wife a bribe to not divorce him.
Tiger brings a whole new meaning to “18 hole invitational”.
Golf clap.
apparently, it’s the job of feminists everywhere to police rich celebrities who screw around.
Or to police adulterers. I wonder why he thinks that. Doesn’t it sound more like a job for a pastor?
You do realize what Swank is terrified of…he’s terrified his own wife will catch him watching the Victoria’s Secret show on the TeeVee and accuse him of infidelity and sue him for a better settlement.
his hair seems a bit too short to get a hold of and pull…
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – if Bill had not disgraced his office with Monica, this would never have happened.
High heels in anal cavities is a form of fetishism, no? I’m sure I stumbled on some pictures of such things while googling the word “shoehorn”. Swank, you’re a naughty boy.
Guys, you’re missing the real story here. Tiger Woods plays golf. Golf, for Christ’s sake! Yet somehow the man’s managed to nail eight different women in a five-year span. Can you imagine Jack Nicklaus or Arnold Palmer getting that much poon in that amount of time? Hell no!
Tiger has done the impossible.
He has made golf sexy.
if Bill had not disgraced his office with Monica
I think it was Monica who disgraced her orifice with Bi–
Oh. Nevermind.
He has made golf sexy.
I dunno. Annika Sorenstam did that for me, mrrrrrrrrrrrrrowr!
Shorter Pastor Swank: “Based on unconfirmed details about Tiger Woods’ marriage from a tabloid report, I’m going to assume I know better than his wife how to deal with his alleged infidelities. This shows how respectful I am of women’s feelings.”
if Bill had not disgraced his office with Monica
Be practical. They could hardly have used the Lincoln bedroom.
He he, he he … commie atheist said “insert” ( / Bevis and Butthead … who are more coherent than Swank)
Seriously, I’m suprised this is on Swank’s radar. Woods doesn’t quite seem like Swank’s type.
He’s more the divining rod type.
Andrew N.P. said,
December 8, 2009 at 2:51
“iger has done the impossible.
He has made golf sexy.”
Is it the golf or the billion dollars?
Lots of men who aren’t rich celebrities cheat on their wives and offer material award to their wives to stave off divorce. But a story about Joe Kielblotsky taking his wife to the Outback and buying her a new sofa after he gets caught boning a waitress isn’t going to get national scrutiny, though it’s the same thing in a different income bracket. No one wants to see the faces of Joe, his wife, or his devilments on the front page.
To me, the Tiger Wood’s story is as boring and irrelevant to me is the story of Joe. I will cut my throat the day I actually emote celebrity boning.
Whoa. Lots of typos.
Oooh, I can’t wait to see the good Pastor natter on about how much it’s going to cost Limbaugh to keep his fourth wife around for more than, oh, three seconds after the terms of the pre-nup are met….
Bet that would be a fun read….
People are talking shit about Woods because his wife was a white blonde Swede. End of story.
But a story about Joe Kielblotsky taking his wife to the Outback and buying her a new sofa – wiley
Veiled “reverse cowgirl” reference.
Why is it, when the rash of Country singers (women) came out and admitted that their Country singing husbands not only cheated on them, but also abused them in many different ways, they were to be admired?
No one, especially the right, because if you want any celebrities behind you, they are always the Country folk, ever mentioned anything about the men. But the women were put upon pedestals.
Example? Tammy Wynette and her stupid song, ‘Stand by your Man’.
The Swankiest Pastor needs to go back to Theology School and learn some Christian or Muslim values.
It would do him a world of good.
“Tiger was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time.”
Swank stole that line from Godfather II
Can a husband who has been caught having sex with other women now offer his wife money to keep her in the same bed? Money?
This leads inevitably to the thought: “How much is Swank paying his wife to keep her in the same bed?”
Q: How much money does the Swanksta offer his wife to stay with him?
A: By definition, not enough.
TIGER WOODS SLUGS WOMEN YEARS BACK
Is that like “knocking someone into next week” but using a Wayback Machine?
I guess Tiger was puttering around the house! (crickets) OK, sorry, needs work…
Swank used to have his own church. I think he lost his job due to excessive craziness, including seeing demons in the basement. Hard to be too crazy for those independent fundy protestant churches, but Swank managed it…
“Devilment” is my new favorite word.
TIGER WOODS SLUGS WOMEN YEARS BACK
I think Swanky has failed to understand the expression “I’m hitting that.”
I’m still waiting for Mr. Swank’s column on Rod Jetton. Since Mr. Loves to Choke Women Jetton is a Republican, hell will probably freeze over before Mr. Swank finds anything wrong.
“But money plus more money in Tiger Woods’ case is beside the major point. The fellow is beyond help if he bases the marital healing on what’s in his wallet. ”
Isn’t that what ‘tithing’ is all about?