Pastor Swank, Family Counselor
Pastor Swank has posted some nifty tips for dealing with your in-laws. Let’s check ’em out:
KEEPING FAMILY WORKING
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.DAD: BOND WITH YOUR SON-IN-LAW
Yes, a son-in-law can be a tremendous boon, if dad recognizes the gift.
If dad plays his cards right, son-in-law can be used for slave labor.
Do not take him for granted. Any relationship worth its salt takes work. Then work at bonding with your son-in-law. Here are some practical pointers:
CUT HIM SOME SLACK
We’re all human. Your son-in-law is included in that grouping.
Well, that’s a relief. For a while there I was worried that Swank had married his daughter off to some kind of spaniel.
So, though you want perfection for your daughter’s husband, you won’t find it. You’re not perfect, dad, in case you hadn’t noticed.
Swanky, darling? Could you please stop calling me “dad?” It’s seriously creeping me out.
So when it comes to the new gent woven into your clan, look for the human element in him.
Don’t look for the rabbit element in him. Taking that path will only bring you pain and suffering (and carrots).
You won’t have to look far. But when you find it, weigh the minors and the majors. If there are minor flaws, then cut the fellow some slack.
If there are major flaws, then he’s probably a rabbit spaniel, and not worthy of your daughter’s hand.
Somebody cut you slack back there a few years ago. Recall?
No I don’t, Pastor Swank. And you’re frightening me.
HAND HIM AN APPRECIATION NOTE
But, you say, “I don’t know how to write a note.”
Why am I not surprised that Pastor Swank’s target audience doesn’t know how to write?
Then make it short but make it, nevertheless. Three sentences will do when put on a blank card and handed to your son-in-law.
“Dear son-in-law,
Ever since you hetero nupped my daughter I’ve been a dad-in-law grateful. I hope you appreicate this note appreication. You are much better than the spaniel groom I had originally chosen.
Sincerely,
J. Grant Swank.”
The other day I recalled how fortunate I am to have two terrific men known to me as my very own sons-in-law. Therefore, I wrote them each a note and enclosed a small money gift.
The smiles on their faces were more than payment to me for the simple gesture of putting on paper what those gentlemen mean to our family—and particularly to me—the father-in-law.
Either that or they were happy to get free money.
LISTEN UP
Open your ears when your son-in-law has something to say, and particularly when he doesn’t have anything to say.
It makes all the sense in the world, really.
Men don’t talk that much, so they say. But a lot of men defy that postulate. Nevertheless, it doesn’t finally matter. Whether that son-in-law is verbose or clammed-up, listen up.
Listen to him when he says something, no matter whether you consider it important or not.
Listen to him when he just sits there staring out into space. Non-verbal communication is indeed communication.
Stand by him when he’s sleeping and listen to him breathe. I swear your daughter won’t find it disturbing in the least.
“So when it comes to the new gent woven into your clan…”
Wait! If he’s your son in law, then that means he married your daughter. Hence, your daughter is now his property and part of his family’s line and not yours, right?
Traditional Marriage Values can be so confusing sometimes.
Dear Son-in-law,
You are the silver lining on the dark cloud of shame that is my wife’s inability to give me a son. Know that I trust you and have given you the best gift a father can give his son-in-law – a daughter who was taught at age 7 to fear sex until marriage. Enclosed is the key to the locket and photos of the creepy promise ceremony we had.
– “Dad”-in-law
Oh my god, I love him. There are two kinds of men in Swank’s world: verbose and clammed-up. I think we know on which side of the divide Swanky falls.And what a larf I got out of Brad’s imaginary “spaniel note” from Swank.
That was just beautiful, Brad.
Also beautiful was the way the Pastor troubles to point out anecdotal information and provide a counterpoint, only to dismiss it all as useless:
Men don’t talk that much, so they say. But a lot of men defy that postulate. Nevertheless, it doesn’t finally matter.
How exactly do you listen to a clammed-up son-in-law. Are you listening for the sounds of low breathing, or is it an existential, one-hand-clapping kind of thing?
Pat your son-in-law on the head. Call him “Littl’ Buddy”. Show him what you get up to in the shed. Defy his postulates. Enlist him in your fight against terrorist Muslim global. Let him call you “Father Swanky-in-Law”. Cut him some slack, weave him into your clan and make him an amusing hat out of newspaper. Swap glasses. Rinse and repeat.
“Nevertheless, it doesn’t finally matter. Whether that son-in-law is verbose or clammed-up, listen up.”
I declare these sentences Swankalicious.
Cut him some slack? Methinks Swank is part of the Church of the Subgenius.
I declare these sentences Swankalicious.
Mmmmm. . . that’s good swank.
look for the human element in him.
Is this more of a challenge in Swank’s world than in others?
I would post a comment, but I’m all clammed-up at the moment.
Dan is clammed-up so we should listen to him extra special.
“Listen to him when he just sits there staring out into space”
hehehe…
So I have been most fortunate in marrying a Canadian who already knew the value of the Canadian tea bag.
Oh. My. Jeebus. I love the Swankster sooooo much!!!!!11!!!
btw, the value of the Canadian tea bag: $20, same as in town.
You could also take your son-in-law to the showers with you and compare wangs.
Wait! If he’s your son in law, then that means he married your daughter. Hence, your daughter is now his property and part of his family’s line and not yours, right?
Yeah, or is the Swank clan matrilineal?
When your daughter marries you gain a son, when your son marries you lose a son, is the way the saying goes.
What if your son marries Ann Coulter?
you mean Mann Coulter?
You are the silver lining on the dark cloud of shame that is my wife’s inability to give me a son. Know that I trust you and have given you the best gift a father can give his son-in-law – a daughter who was taught at age 7 to fear sex until marriage. Enclosed is the key to the locket and photos of the creepy promise ceremony we had.
Oh, I am going to remember that and cry with laughter. That and the “hetero nupped.”
Hey Brad, who’s your daddy?
David Ortiz es mi papi grande.
Technically, in patrilinear societies, the daughter becomes part of the husband’s clan, explaining, for example, why Chinese women adopt the ancestor shrine of their husbands.
In the Bible, there is a reference to a man “leaving his mother and cleaving to his wife” when he gets married. This is because Jewish society was (and still is, in Orthodox groups), matrilinear instead of patrilinear: you were considered Jewish based on whether your mother was Jewish–your father was irrelevant. (Since the Jews were oppressed for centuries, the odds that your father was a rapist soldier of some occupying army were probably not insignificant.–is that Swanky enough?)
But since patrilinear and patriarchal are not synonyms, it’s easily possible that the man could achieve “headship” over his wife and SITLL retain control over his daughters after he was forced to surrender the key to her hymen–I mean heart.
So, inquiring minds want to know: did Pastor Swank leave his mother and cleave unto his wife? It’s the mother-leaving part that seems to be hardest for most wingnuts.
Dorothy, in patriarchical matrilinear societies, the maternal uncle is the head of the family, not the father.
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