How Can I Ever Have Sex Again When John Bolton Roams the Land?

Atlas Wanks writes:

I happily interrupt my Passover holiday to express my unabashed admiration for John Bolton. Yes, again. A fine man indeed. Intestinal and testicular fortitude in one giant of a man. The left hates him because he makes them look so positively small, spineless, petty and limp wrist-ed. Which of course they are.

I don’t deny it. Just looking at John Bolton’s rippling muscles and his verile “Quaker-Oats-are-good-for-you” mustache makes me ashamed to have ever thought of having sex with anyone ever. In fact, I’m going to quit having sex and donate my tiny, insignificant liberal penis to scientific intelligent design research, so Real Men can study it and say, “OMGROFLMFAO!!!11! Muslamonazis suck, LOL!!!”

“What’s that, sugar? You want John to give you a Boltin’ like you’ve ever had before? Fo’ shizzay!”


Comments: 39


Pammy knows far, far more about John Bolton’s testicles than anyone ever could while still retaining their sanity.

This explains a lot.


Sadly for Pamela, inflation has driven mustache rides to a market high of 50 cents.


Actually, the only time I’ve ever heard Bolton speak was on that clip where he was going hysterical about something. His petulant, nasal shrieking sounded positively hissy and…well, not virile, anyway.

Trust Pammy to skank up Passover.


So, somebody hacked her site, right? She didn’t really write that, right? This is satire, right??


Trust Pammy to skank up Passover.

I LOVE that line.


You gotta love it when wingnuts attempt psychology. “The Left wants to kiss Islamofascists!” “John Bolton makes them feel like sissies!” “George Bush drives them into a frenzy of rage!”

It’s like one giant “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night” commercial.


I hate him because he makes me look limp-wristed?


I thought I hated him because he was a dangerous idealogue, a man without diplomatic skills, and the wrong person to be representing my country at the UN.


I admit, I hate looking limp-wristed; it totally destroys the line of my arabesque penchée. Bastard.


She’s totally nailed it, she’s 100% right:

I don’t like John Bolton because he reminds me that I’ll never be as much of a belligerent asshole as he is.

The shame.


I’m surprised the wingnuts haven’t issued a fatwa against this obviously anti-American
John Bolton Assasination Kit.

LA Confidential Pantload

“Wrist-ed?” Is that like phys ed for wankers?


That’s not a moustache… that’s a Bush.

Hot, baby, h.o.t.


Pam is waxing rhapsodic about John Bolton’s nuts, but because I’m a liberal, I’m the fucked-up one?? Maybe she should change her site’s name to “Atlas Teabagged.”


ortho bob, that’s great! Do you suppose if you popped the real John Bolton in the virile ‘stache, his hat would pop off?


If that bitch wants me to prove my manhood? Then I’m up for giving her a good fuck! Just let me know when baby!


The name! The comment! They match!


I wonder what is the difference between “testicular” and “intestinal” fortitude? Is it like the difference between a strap-on and a bolt-on?

A-a-and (limp-wristed stuttering) can someone please do something about that ship’s prow she has on the masthead? It really bothers me…


The true object of Atlas’ lust is Bolton’s cartoon counterpart, The Lorax. Her self-loathing, due to some deep recognition that she pleasured herself as a child to an animated environmentalist, has caused her to find a real-life (though still cartoonish) physical version with the opposite political stance. Though she may have repressed her longing for The Lorax, it is still evidenced by her inclination to dress herself as a cartoon character.

Further evidence: she’s fucking Goofy.


That white stuff on his upper lip is not a moustache.

It’s jizz.

(thanks, just wanted to elevate the discussion)


Damn right I’m “retreating.” Eugh!


It totally destroys the line of my arabesque penchée. Bastard.

TIG, that’s French! You know what that does to me!


Guess I have to update my conservatoon dictionary again. Apparently, shrieking asshole = intestinal and testicular fortitude. The only sound clips I’ve heard of Bolt-on sound like they were voice-overs by an eight year old girl with ADHD.


There was some wienerhead on NPR yesterday making this same argument for Donald Rumsfeld (liberals hate him because he has bigger nads). Where in the hell did this idea come from? When did old, fat, pasty dudes become masculine just because they aren’t bothered by sending other people to fight their wars? If i weren’t a spineless, limp-wristed liberal, i’d have to kick somebody’s ass.

Worst. President. Ever.

Is it like the difference between a strap-on and a bolt-on?

Are you incineratin’ that “Bolt-on” wears a “strap-on”?


How Can I Ever Have Sex Again When John Bolton Roams the Land?

well, that picture of him sure puts me off it.


Oh, Brad, you’re easily the biggest cock-tease on the internets.

First you talk about ramming your cock into chocolate cakes, then there was the cruel mention of a wank-o-cam WITHOUT a link to the damn cam. Then you pushed things to astronomically horny heights with your sentence about slapping us in the face with your penis. And now today you bring a penis-severing/humiliation fetish into the mix.

Really, it’s all just too much. Either gives us the link to the wank-o-cam (screen captures will suffice if you’ve discontinued the live streaming) or never mention your penis here ever again.

(Posts deriding Michele Maulkin will, of course, be exempt from any such clause.)


What do you get if you spell strap-on backward?


Oh God, “live streaming” talk in a John Bolton thread. Kill me now.


Considering Pamela’s jonesin’ for Bolton alongside her nuzzling with Glenn Reynolds, I can only conclude she has a thing for guys with haircuts two decades out of style.


“Haircuts”? Looking at the pic, I think Bolt-On needs to either re-color the fringe or get a different color rug.


I’m confused– why is she wearing a supergirl outfit and what happened to the rest of her arms and legs?

Hysterical Woman

Where is John Bolton now, anyway?

Pedantic Pissant

“Is it like the difference between a strap-on and a bolt-on?”

Bolt-Ons are huge fake boobs.



Yeah, Brad! So, you were engaging in hyperbole when you mentioned you “10” uncut,” eh? I might have known! Buddy, your credibility with me is hitting Ruppertian lows.


As much I abhor (acting) Amb. Bolton and enjoy your blog I find this particular entry an unfair slander on Quaker Oats!


Get on the scene-ahh
Bolton\’s a sex machine-ahh
Ba bump bump bump bump bumpa OW!

Oh yeah, and look at that fucking ring he has on, it looks like some sort of awesome power rangers/wonder twin power/captain planet decoder ring/foldout futon.


We have pictures of her servicing Bolton. Really.


Bolton works at an institution he despises for a cause he doesn’t believe in. That’s not virility, that’s spinelessness.

John Bolton's Knob

“What’s that, sugar? You want John to give you a Boltin’ like you’ve ever had before? Fo’ shizzay!”

Silly me, I thought he was saying “ya see me pulling my ear like this…5,000 untermenchen were just Freedom Boarded(tm) to death…that’s DA POWER BABY!”


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