A Very Hilarious Ann Coulter Column
Ann Coulter’s latest column is jam-packed with unintentional hilarity. Let’s check it out:
If only liberals were half as angry at the people who flew planes into our skyscrapers as they are with Tom DeLay, we might have two patriotic parties in this country.
Ah yes. The Democrats hate Tom DeLay more than they hate al-Qaeda.
It’s funny, because back in ’01, every single Democrat not named Barbara Lee voted to use military force against the Taliban regime in retaliation for the 9/11 terror attacks. I’m not sure if Ann understands this or not, but voting to drop bombs on someone is, if not an act of anger, a definite indicator of disapproval. So until Russ Feingold proposes launching air strikes on Tom DeLay’s ranch, it’s pretty safe to say that the left doesn’t hate DeLay as much as they hate the terrorists.
Any Republicans who didn’t ferociously defend Tom DeLay – which is to say, almost all Republicans in Congress, the president, and alleged conservative writers trying to impress the editorial board of the New York Times – better hope liberals never come after them.
They also might want to avoid doing favors for sleazeball lobbyists. That sort of thing tends to be frowned upon.
The only proven method for a Republican to avoid having his name turned into a liberal malediction is to be completely ineffective. You’ll notice there’s no “Stop Lamar Alexander Before It’s Too Late” website.
Here’s what I don’t get, Ann. Your party controls the both the executive and legislative branches, and has appointed seven of the last nine Supreme Court justices. The G.O.P. literally has its hands on every lever of power in the federal government, with nothing standing in the way of its agenda. And you’re telling me- you’re seriously telling me- that the reason they don’t go through with it is because they’re scared that The New York Times might write a mean editorial about them?
What a bunch of wimps. I mean, really. Think of all the garbage Clinton had to put up with. Jerry Falwell accused him of murder. Rush called his then-teenage daughter “the White House dog.” You yourself called for his assassination. But did he resign and cry and say, “Waaaaaah, I can’t take the stress of all these people in the media being mean to me!” Hell no. He stuck it out. As Peggy Noonan would say, “He had a pair.”
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese, Oliver North, Clarence Pendleton, Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay – all these men saw their names used as curse words. Only one of them was ever indicted. To wit, the comical indictment of DeLay recently brought by political hack Ronnie Earle.
Uhm, Ann, aren’t you forgetting the trouble that Ollie North got himself into?
To finally get some grand jury to hand up an indictment, Earle had to empanel six grand juries in Austin, Texas, which is like the Upper West Side with more attractive people. In addition, DeLay knows Republican and gambling lobbyist Jack Abramoff and his associates, who have recently pleaded guilty to various other incomprehensible charges.
Apparently fraud, tax evasion and conspiracy to bribe public officials are “incomprehenisble charges.” Why Michigan hasn’t rescinded Ann’s J.D. by now is beyond me.
Liberals spit out all these names with more venom than they’ve ever been able to muster for names like “Saddam Hussein” and “Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.”
Yes, I remember when John Edwards stood up at the 2004 Democratic Convention and said, “And we will have one clear unmistakable message for Abramhoff and the rest of these lobbyists. You cannot run. You cannot hide. And we will destroy you.”
Oh wait, no, that’s not what he said! What he actually said was, “And we will have one clear unmistakable message for al Qaida and the rest of these terrorists. You cannot run. You cannot hide. And we will destroy you.”
Even proud American corporations find their names being turned into curse words by liberals, such as “Halliburton,” which is currently losing money in Iraq in order to supply food to our troops – you know, the same troops liberals pretend to love (but don’t lose money feeding).
The last time I checked, liberals do in fact pay taxes, Ann.
Back when Newt Gingrich still scared liberals, the House Ethics Committee spent years probing various charges against him, focusing on the charge that a college class he taught was … partisan! Meanwhile, they’re teaching Marxism in comp lit classes, Islamic terrorism in Indian experience classes, and Druidism in divinity classes. As we speak, freshmen in English 101 classes all over the country are rushing to complete their term papers on how all heterosexual sex is rape.
Or if they’re Ben Shapiro, how all sex is terrifying.
Anyway, I’m getting bored, so let’s cut to the bottom line:
Conservatives live under a jurisprudence of laws, but they get prosecuted under liberals’ jurisprudence of epithets.
Either that or they get pardoned by Gerald Ford.
To repeat: you guys control the entire federal government. If things are going badly for you right now, I’d wager it’s your own goddamn fault.
On a side note, I’m gonna be kinda sad when the Democrats re-take Congress later this year. I’ve had so much fun taking potshots at the corrupt one-party rule of the past four years, and once our side gets back into power, we’ll have to start thinking of serious ideas for governence and reform. Sure, it’s more important than making snide remarks at the expense of the powers-that-be, but it’s a heckuva lot more work.
I weep for the poor persecuted Republicans. Meanwhile, the rather ineffective but certainly long-lived Henry Cisneros investigation looks to be drawing to a close.
What does it take to make these folks happy? When Clinton was president, they screamed like Condi at a Payless Shoe Store because they were shut out of power (despite the fact that Clinton was the best Republican president we’ve had since Eisenhower). Now that they control the whole blankety-blank government, they scream because they don’t have the unthinking adulation of the entire country, and small girls with blond pigtails in adorable ethnic costumes don’t hand bouquets to Bush while proclaiming him friend to small animals and children. With anything ever satisfy them?
Oh, and btw…bombs are phallic symbols, and your references to them are just more attempts at legitimation of patriarchal hegemony, Brad. You’ve used this discursive space to thrust your symbolic phallus in the faces of your readers, and I won’t stand for it.
(Do we have to let this go yet, or can we continue to milk it for another couple of days?)
“screamed like Condi at a Payless Shoe Store”
This site is getting funnier and funnier!
Gaawwww! I just found out that exsanquinated corpse was on campus here at UF last night. Where’s that Lysol?
Hey, stop forgetting the last Great Republican President, Gerald R. Ford. (All right, I’ll give you Clinton was the best elected Republican President since Eisenhower.)
I actually like Ike. Seriously, I do. War hero, social moderate, fiscal conservative… really, not a bad guy at all.
“”Halliburton,” which is currently losing money in Iraq in order to supply food to our troops”
She’s got that bit right at least. The only problem is that Halliburton is “losing” the money it’s supposed to be using to feed the troops.
She’s got that bit right at least. The only problem is that Halliburton is “losing” the money it’s supposed to be using to feed the troops.
Heh. Yep.
I’ve been doing some thinking about what ideology Coulter really represents. Since she advocates torture, warrantless spying and unlimited detainment of terror suspects, I don’t think she can be labeled “conservative” in any sense that I understand.
I think Ann’s vision for America is one where profit-seeking industrialists use military force to secure wealth for the homeland, all the while running roughshod over international treaties and human rights.
In other words, fascism.
Yawn. Sorry, but I can’t get all fired up about refuting Ann, because I’m never sure how serious she is.
Sometimes I think she really is that crazy, in which case I’m glad someone saddles up the steed and takes lance in hand against her (tedious as that is). But then I think she’s just found a way of getting money and attention, and that she really doesn’t care whether what she says is “true” or not. Keith Olbermann says this is the story behind Rush Limbaugh, and I have no doubt there are others like him. Of course, if that’s true it makes Ann (and Rush) even worse in a way, but it makes refuting them all the more pointless.
Of course, if that’s true it makes Ann (and Rush) even worse in a way, but it makes refuting them all the more pointless.
Yes, but they have millions of listeners/readers. At the very least, it’s fun to drop a turd in their punchbowl.
…in Austin, Texas, which is like the Upper West Side with more attractive people.
Yes, we are attractive in Austin. Thanks Ann.
Ike was the best possible president that the America of the 50s (and the world of the 50s) could have produced. I like him, too. Were I not an inveterate, unrepetant leftist who favors some form of (small-s) socialism, I’d even admire him. I don’t even think that comparing Clinton to Eisenhower is a bad thing, despite all the flack Digby got for doing it a month or so ago.
But I must protest calling Ann Coulter a fascist.
Fascists, despite their obvious and numerous failings, actually professed concern for the welfare of “the little guy” – there’s this great scene in “Triumph of the Will” where Leni Riefenstahl highlights the martial nobililty of the nation’s ditchdiggers as they march in order, shovels slung over their shoulders.
Ann Coulter has never given any indication that she cares for anyone on the planet outside her little cadre of wealthy New York/D.C. fellow travelers.
In other words, calling Coulter a fascist is an insult to fascists everywhere.
I actually like Ike. Seriously, I do. War hero, social moderate, fiscal conservative… really, not a bad guy at all.
don’t know if i’m reading the level of snark correctly or not but please see:
1)WWII war crimes for which he would have been hanged had the Nurembourg rules been applied to his actions
2)CIA backed overthrow of the overthrow of the democratic government of Guatemala
3)CIA backed overthrow of the democratically elected Mossadegh in Iran and the re-installation of the Shah
having said that, i like his bit about the military industrial complex and his ordering of school integration.
Yes, we are attractive in Austin. Thanks Ann.
That’s because y’all is GAY 😉
But seriously, how do you stay in good shape when most Texas food consists of deep-fried Twinkees/cheeseburgers/Snickers bars?
1)WWII war crimes for which he would have been hanged had the Nurembourg rules been applied to his actions
Thank you, Professor Chomsky.
2)CIA backed overthrow of the overthrow of the democratic government of Guatemala
Agreed. Was very bad. But also not uncharacteristic of the times, unfortunately.
3)CIA backed overthrow of the democratically elected Mossadegh in Iran and the re-installation of the Shah
Again- bad. Very bad. And it’s something that Truman actually resisted before the Dulles Bros. got in with Ike.
The thing is, I believe in judging historical figures in the context of the times. That doesn’t mean you whitewash their racism, sexism, etc. But you do have to put it in context.
For instance, I think Thomas Jefferson was an amazing human being, despite calling the Native Americans “savages” in the Declaration of Independence. Under the cultural context of the times, this was perfectly acceptable, although we rightly find it repugnant today. But at the same time, you can’t deny that the guy did some pretty damn amazing things and helped create a system that at the time was the freest in the world. Again, not to say it didn’t have flaws (slavery chief among them), but it was a step in the right direction.
Re that picture: I still don’t understand why Couter doesn’t show up on pro-ana Web sites. (Those arms! If she didn’t have hands, you could use them to pick food out of your teeth. Check out the bone on her left wrist. In a pink heaven somewhere, Karen Carpenter is weeping.)
May I confess that I had to Google Clarence Pendleton? (Someone must have used the guy’s name as a curse word during one of Coulter’s undergraduate hangovers, but no one I ever met.)
What is with Ann and that palms-up pose? She’s like that in practically every picture I’ve seen of her. She’s like a Mannerist painting, and not in a good way, especially with that green skin tone. How she can persist in presuming the world agrees she’s good-looking is a mystery to me.I don’t really want to leave my criticism of her at just making fun of her appearance, but I find nothing in her writing to be worthy of my efforts. She’s just a scary bitch, forgive my language.
At the end of the day, Ann Coulter is just the ultimate Republican news whore (and I say whore not as a negative statement towards women but as a metaphor to the age-old profession). She will basically say anything to curry favor with the viewing audience with passion and fury but I doubt she has any actual convictions of her own. I mean, this is a woman who has constantly argued against equal rights for women. Once the shock of her statements wear off, the only reason anyone should be upset is that her audience is so quick to follow what in any other time period would be disgarded as the diranged ramblings of a crazy woman.
Besides, everyone who keeps talking about Bush Derangement Syndrome or liberal hatred spends the rest of their time talking about how stupid, inept, corrupt, or ugly the liberal leadership is. It’s like they’ve taken the grace and nuance of arguing on the internet and migrated it to the airwaves.
What is with Ann and that palms-up pose?
She probably heard that it helps you lose weight in you fingers. (“Fat piggy gross hands! Disgusting fat pig!” I imagine her saying that to her mirror every morning.)
Eisenhower is totally Bill Clinton. Came in following many years of unbroken rule by the other party; lost Congress in his second year (1954, Repubs lose Congress; 1994; Dems lose Congress); his Veep ran a close race against a callow youth from a rich family — it’s all there.
What is with Ann and that palms-up pose?
That’s the worst mime I’ve ever seen.
his Veep ran a close race against a callow youth from a rich family — it’s all there.
Except JFK actually was a non-pretend war hero, and Gore wasn’t a Nixonian bastard. But I get your overall point.
and Druidism in divinity classes.
Aw bitch, now you’ve done it. You’re gonna have a lot of angry Druids cursing that broom you fly.
These inter-necine wars are so sad…
Meanwhile, they’re teaching Marxism in comp lit classes, Islamic terrorism in Indian experience classes, and Druidism in divinity classes.
Oh my god, they’re teaching relevent things to our (adult) children!
As everything else gets scrawnier and bonier, her tits get bigger. Quite a mystery, unless implants are involved.
Seriously Skeletor with a rack, put down the meth and ciggies. . .
Fascists, despite their obvious and numerous failings, actually professed concern for the welfare of “the little guy” – there’s this great scene in “Triumph of the Will” where Leni Riefenstahl highlights the martial nobililty of the nation’s ditchdiggers as they march in order, shovels slung over their shoulders.
It’s no different than Ann pretending to give a shit about ordinary folk from the heartland, who would be pummelled into oblivion by her bodyguards if they happened to be visiting NYC and approached her to make conversation.
Even Hitler thought the Germans were a bunch of gullible idiots who would be lost without his guidance, as evidenced by how easily he declared them deserving of their fate for not being “strong” enough to win a two-front war that he started.
So, no, Ann is a perfect example of a modern-day fascist; if anything, she outdoes them by being too nihilistic to even believe her own insane propaganda. That’s probably the only reason she hasn’t tried to lead a beerhall putsch of her own yet. (Or maybe that would be a coffeehouse putsch, adjusting for the cultural differences.)
I think Ann’s vision for America is one where profit-seeking industrialists use military force to secure wealth for the homeland, all the while running roughshod over international treaties and human rights.
I think she envisions herself as Head Breeder in the Fourth Reich. Look at those powerful Aryan features. REAL poetic justice would be her as a frustrated concubine who doesn’t get any play because of her frightening resemblance to the eunuchs.
1. Notice her new book comes out on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year. Take to the hills, ye faithful, the Beast of Revelations is upon us!
2. …in Austin, Texas, which is like the Upper West Side with more attractive people
Hmm, there must be a story behind this unexpected and out-of-place compliment. Did she get lucky when she “spoke” at UT last year? Or perhaps she felt a kinship with Leslie.
What is with Ann and that palms-up pose?
She’s showing the approximate length of her penis.
But seriously, how do you stay in good shape when most Texas food consists of deep-fried Twinkees/cheeseburgers/Snickers bars?
Actually, it’s mexican food, barbecue, and lots of beer.
Aw bitch, now you’ve done it. You’re gonna have a lot of angry Druids cursing that broom you fly.
Next time do your homework.
No roast duck with mango salsa for me. All this oppression has made me lose my appetite.
Clearly a mime reference – “stuck in an invisible box*”. I think Ann’s whole schtick is a sort of subtle homage to mime, but instead of foregoing speech entirely, she foregoes only cohesive argument.
Also, Ann and mime artists are both vaguely irritating clowns that go out of their way to appear white, but after that the analogy breaks down. (Example: Ann would never wear a beret.)
*A friendly, non-metaphorical invisible box that doesn’t represent anything Freudian or offensive.
You know what Ann Coulter really likes? Anal sex. Here’s the proof:
http://ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com/
Her hands creep me out. I have fairly long, thin hands myself, but hers are like flat paddles or flippers. ~shudder~ It was hilarious when she railed against Time magazine for allegedly doctoring her cover photo to make her limbs look freakishly long, because she really does look like that and just doesn’t realize it. She has the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder.It would be nice if she really would take up mime as a hobby. It would keep her from dirtying up the airwaves with her verbal excreta.
She has the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder
I guess that would be body eumorphic disorder.
It reminds me of my friend whom I’ve diagnosed with Attention Surplus Disorder. That guy concentrates on a single topic to an alarming degree.
Or perhaps she felt a kinship with Leslie.
Heh, I doubt Leslie would even pass the spliff to Coulter.
She has the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder
I guess that would be body eumorphic disorder.
In this case it would be soul dysmorphic disorder.
You know who she looks like? Zorak.
Even proud American corporations find their names being turned into curse words by liberals, such as “Halliburton,” which is currently losing money in Iraq in order to supply food to our troops – you know, the same troops liberals pretend to love (but don’t lose money feeding).
Yes, those poor proud American corporations being smeared for selflessly serving spoiled food to our troops.
Despite the fact she’s a media whore, I think the focus should be on Coulter’s arguments instead of on how she looks.
Nah. Someone get that mime a sandwich!
Yes, we are attractive in Austin. Thanks Ann.
If what I saw on the news the other night is true, we’re also one of the safest cities on the country. So STFU Ann, ya cobag!!!
I already made my position on Ann’s arguments clear: I have nothing to say about her work. It is simply a collection of insincere posturing that represents the height of cynicism. Her “arguments” are not worth wasting time on, being utterly hollow. Since she presents herself as a public icon, I feel free to be as catty and shallow as I like. As Crow T. Robot says, “Bite Me, It’s Fun!”*
*Be assured that the invitation to bite me is not issued in order to personally insult anyone. It is but a figure of speech.
Yes, she totally looks like Zorak.
I agree with Lucy. My girlfriend has met Coulter and admits (she thought she was defending her) that in real life she is nothing like her stage persona.
It is all just an act, insincere posturing, designed to irritate her political opponents (the Treasurer of the College Republicans admitted the same thing also. They didn’t realize I was undercover.)
If you actually look at her arguments, you can see how little substance there is, how much of it is lies and insults.
So I think it’s just fine to make fun of her looks. No matter what you say she is going to answer with more insults or mock outrage at how mean liberals are.
I’ve never understood why anyone would consider Ann to be attractive. I can see why someone might consider Laura Ingraham or Crazy Rachel Marsden attractive (at least with the sound turned off), but Ann Coulter? Eccch! She reminds me of Wayne County…
Ann. Dear. Let me give you two words (and cosmetic surgery, CoBAG hO!!) They are all “Asshole Criminals”. But those aren’t the words. The words? Sadly, No…
Mikey
Hey, Brad, I’m not going to say you should definitely brace yourself for the DPUSA failing to win a majority in the upcoming congressionals, but you might want to prepare some kind of emotional cushion just on the off chance they again snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, unless you want to spend a month drinking salty beer. Here’s a thought: blame partisan redistricting.
Look at those powerful Aryan features
If she’s a true blond, I’ll kiss Brad’s ass.
Will you suck Brad’s pink sock?
It reminds me of my friend whom I’ve diagnosed with Attention Surplus Disorder. That guy concentrates on a single topic to an alarming degree.
I think that’s usually called Asperger’s Syndrome.
It already has a name? Crap. This is worse than that time I identified that 76-year-reappearing comet.
Please just ignore her.
What is the basis for Coulter’s claim that Halliburton is martyring its stockholders with poor returns in order to feed our troops? I don’t see it.
Check out the little, 5 year interactive graph.
http://quote.morningstar.com/Quote.html?ticker=HAL
Those look like toe thumbs to me.
It reminds me of my friend whom I’ve diagnosed with Attention Surplus Disorder. That guy concentrates on a single topic to an alarming degree.
I still use the term “monomania”, though I don’t know if it’s in the DSM-IV or not. Pretty handy term, though.
Seriously, I’m beginning to wonder if she’s the one who writes those Ed Anger columns for the weekly world news. Better check for a metal plate in her head.
Those hands! She’s like Gollum in a blonde wig. My preeecccciiiouuus!
Oh well – conservative, pro-abstinence – it must be hard being a 40 year old virgin.
No, the left in general doesn’t. But surely some on the left do; and being one of those, I’d say, deservedly so. Coulter, as well.
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