Immigration Reform: A Renew America Symposium

As I noted last week, immigration reform is a very important issue that requires sober, rational thinking and dynamic, innovative ideas. Fixing our immigration system is a tricky balancing act that requires both securing our borders and maintaining our nation’s long tradition of welcoming foreigners with open arms. This uniquely difficult challenge will require the best efforts of our nation’s finest intellectuals and policy wonks, many of who have been working independently on immigration reform plans for years. I invited five of these great minds to debate this deeply serious matter today on Sadly, No!

But unfortunately, none of them got back to me, so instead I just cut’n’pasted a bunch of stupid anti-immigration columns that I found on Alan Keyes’ website. It may not be as informative as a real panel of experts- indeed, you’ll be far less knowledgeable about immigration and everything else by the end of the debate- but twelfth-rate pundits are better than no pundits, right? And since no one does twelfth-rate better than I do, I figure it’s a perfect fit.

“Our” first, immigration panelist — “is” Kaye… Grogan. Let’s read, “her”:

An open letter to the President of the United States

Kaye Grogan
April 3, 2006

Dear Honorable President Bush:

It is obvious that the illegal immigration problem is getting totally out-of-hand. The first mistake centers around the leaders sitting back while millions of foreigners crossed our borders over the years. Now evidently, no one can come up with a viable solution to this ongoing problem.

The real problem does not lie with Americans that won’t do certain jobs. We both know that Americans cannot afford to take jobs offering cheap labor wages without any benefits.

Which also means they’re jobs that Americans won’t do. I’m glad Kaye’s thinking so logically about this.

Our people — especially the elderly, are suffering in their own country, so therefore it is “unacceptable” that we as American taxpayers should have to bear the brunt of a country like Mexico and be responsible for boosting their economy, while our own people are suffering.

That sentence contains, every Kaye “error” — imaginable. It looks like one, “of” my… parodies.

There is a simple solution to replacing the need for illegal immigrants to come to America to work in a “guest” workers program. The prisons are filled to capacity with a large amount of “unproductive” citizens. These prisoners can return something back to society for their crimes by picking crops and other jobs that other Americans (supposedly) will not take.

That sounds a wee bit like slave labor, K-Gro. But whatev, that whole Thirteenth Amendment is *so* 19th century anyway.

In other words, earning their upkeep.

Wait, they’d be earning their cost of maintenence and repair? Have we started imprisoning cyborgs, or am I missing something?

Mr. President, it is simply asking too much of Americans to stand by and watch as our United States flag is being banned from schools, for fear that it offends other nationalities. Many people made a great sacrifice by shedding their blood so Americans could remain free. And the flag is symbolic of those great sacrifices.

As Representative Rep.Virgil Goode of Virginia said: “if Mexicans want to fly the Mexican flag — then they need to go back to Mexico.” AMEN!

“AMEN!” is right! And you know what other group of people needs to fuck right off? The Irish. I’m so sick of those “They’re-Always-After-Me-Lucky-Charms” motherfuckers clogging our streets every March 17 and flying the flag of A FOREIGN COUNTRY!!!

Hey you grimy Guinness-swilling bastards- why don’t you take your orange stars, blue moons and green clovers and fly back to Potatoe Country!!! (But leave the purple horseshoes behind, if you don’t mind- those are my all-time favorites. Thx.)

The religious people, especially the Christians, have been attacked through groups like the ACLU far too long. And the foreigners are expecting us to be tolerant of their various religions — at the same time showing extreme intolerance for us to practice our religion and traditions openly.

I wonder if Kaye realizes that most Mexicans are Christians.

Yes, we are all products from our ancestors coming to America to establish a new colony, but all other countries started the same way, and they are not allowing millions of illegal immigrants to invade their territory. Everybody wants to come to America, because they have heard about all of our free programs they will be entitled to at the expense of the hard-working American taxpayers. Who wouldn’t want to take advantage of all the “freebies” here? . . .while our own people — especially the elderly, suffer through agonizing health problems with minimal or not any help at all. This is definitely not what America should be about.

It sure isn’t. America should be about not helping people equally. So let’s kick out the immigrinos first and then privatize social security.

In closing Mr. President, I hope that a resolution to combat the influx of the illegal immigration problem is soon resolved.

I always love it when resolutions get resolved, don’t you? It’s almost as much fun as settling on a settlement or commiting to a commitment.

A Concerned American Citizen,

Kaye Grogan

Note: This letter was emailed to President Bush.

And I’m sure he’ll savor every word. I know I did.

Our next panelist is longtime S,N! favorite Marie Jon’. Although World O’Crap summarized Marie’s column brilliantly, I think it’s worth reading another time:

Illegal aliens’ emotional effect on America

Marie Jon’
April 3, 2006

There are not enough words to explain the emotions one feels when seeing the massive hoards of unwanted illegal aliens flooding the streets.

How true. Let’s try making up some new words:

“When I see hoards of unwanted illegals, I feel schluptelegenocalicious!”

“When those darned Hispinos come into my country and exploit me by working for below minimum wage, I get incredibly gloptolangutacular that I could gistoloofenwench all over my face!!!”


And now, back to Marie’s piece:

Our eyes were opened. We suddenly saw what we were up against. We had previously heard and read statistics on illegal aliens, but now that we saw them in masse, it was not at all attractive.

“Most of them smelled a bit too. The overweight ones had a salsa-y taco stench that I found particularly offensive.”

What a picture these ungrateful invaders painted as they streamed before TV cameras. In so many words, we did not have to understand these violators native tongue (Spanish) to grasp the meaning of their presence.

For Marie’s sake, that’s probably a good thing. I’d hate to see her reaction if she understood what those mobs of immigrant hoardes were really saying when they chanted “&iexclMarie es una punta y puede chingarse!” I mean, that’s just plain rude.

Their pompous bearing swagger was much more telling than the banners they held or the gang signs they flashed.

I think someone’s been taking lessons writing from global Swank Pastor.

OK, our final panelist is longtime wingnut and Washington Times columnist Frank Gaffney. Take it away, Frank!


The Mexican solution

Frank Gaffney
April 3, 2006

If you think these critics are mad about U.S. immigration policy now, imagine how upset they would be if we adopted an approach far more radical than the bill they rail against which was adopted last year by the House of Representatives — namely, the way Mexico treats illegal aliens.

Frank deserves some kind of award for being the first wingnut to suggest that the United States should try being more like Mexico.

For example, according to an official translation published by the Organization of American States, the Mexican constitution includes the following restrictions:

-Pursuant to Article 33, “Foreigners may not in any way participate in the political affairs of the country.” This ban applies, among other things, to participation in demonstrations and the expression of opinions in public about domestic politics like those much in evidence in Los Angeles, New York and elsewhere in recent days.

Hey, wouldn’t that force Arnold to step down as governor of California? Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea after all…

Article 11 guarantees federal protection against “undesirable aliens resident in the country.” What is more, private individuals are authorized to make citizen’s arrests. Article 16 states, “In cases of flagrante delicto, any person may arrest the offender and his accomplices, turning them over without delay to the nearest authorities.” In other words, Mexico grants its citizens the right to arrest illegal aliens and hand them over to police for prosecution. Imagine the Minutemen exercising such a right!

Vigilante law enforcement is clearly the system of the future. I hear it’s been working wonders over in Iraq.

-The Mexican constitution states that foreigners — not just illegal immigrants — may be expelled for any reason and without due process. According to Article 33, “the Federal Executive shall have the exclusive power to compel any foreigner whose remaining he may deem inexpedient to abandon the national territory immediately and without the necessity of previous legal action.”

Awesome. I also think it should be legal to shoot and kill someone if they don’t speak English. That’ll teach those fuckers at Taco Bell to mess up my order.

So the next time such legislators — and the majority of Americans for whom they speak — are assaulted by Mexican officials, undocumented aliens waving Mexican flags in mass demonstrations here in the United States, clergy and self-described humanitarians, businessmen and other advocates of illegal immigration ask them this: Would they favor having the U.S. impose the same restrictions on immigrants — legal and illegal — that Mexico imposes on their counterparts there?

Nothing of the kind is in the cards, of course. Nor should it be. Legal immigration and the opportunity for foreign investors and other nationals to contribute to this country are not only one of its hallmarks; they are among the reasons for its greatness.

BOOOOO!!! I WANNA BE ABLE TO ARREST PEOPLE!!! C’mon, Frank, let me be a vigilante!!!

Still, we should not allow the hypocrisy of others’ treatment of undocumented aliens in their countries to induce us to refrain from taking effective steps to prevent further illegal immigration: by building a fence along our southern border; by enforcing immigration laws in the workplace and elsewhere; and by discouraging more such violations — with potentially grave national security implications — by dealing effectively with those who have already broken those laws by coming here without permission.

OK, Frank, here’s the deal: if you let me walk around with a cardboard yellow star taped to my chest with the words “Shareif Brad” scrawled across it, I’ll help you stop illegal immigrants. Cool?


Comments: 28


Outstanding. I thought Wingmistress K was untouchable in off-the-charts wingnuttery, but Marie Jon’ and her massive hoards of unwanted illegal aliens gave her a serious run for the title.


Too, too cute.

As for the first bit, it would be more precise to say that there are no *job descriptions* that Americans won’t do. The *job description* is not the same as the *job as offered*. The latter includes a wage and benefits.

In many cases, those wages and benefits have been driven down by illegal aliens, and in many cases that was intentional: employers hired illegal aliens in order to get a lower rate.

So, those who make such cute comments are in effect supporting those employers who hire illegal aliens in order to drive down American wages. Many of those jobs used to be done by African-Americans and Hispanic-Americans until illegal aliens were brought in to lower wages. Example: janitorial jobs in downtown L.A. and factory jobs in SE L.A.


I think Frank Gaffney was the guy who claimed that Saddam’s WMDs consisted of anthrax or something being put in perfume bottles and sold in the West. Hahahaha. Seriously.

Which, come to think of it, might have been an old Cobra Command ploy in the G.I. Joe comics.


since when has the American flag been banned from US classsrooms??? (from Kayes “article”). Or is she confusing the American flag and the 10 Commandments again….


since when has the American flag been banned from US classsrooms??? (from Kayes “article”). Or is she confusing the American flag and the 10 Commandments again….


since when has the American flag been banned from US classrooms??? (from Kayes “article”). Or is she confusing the American flag and the 10 Commandments again….


WHOA, a triple post! damn. sorry about that!


The Kaye says: Everybody wants to come to America, because they have heard about all of our free programs they will be entitled to at the expense of the hard-working American taxpayers.
Yes. Everyone is coming for our lack of universal healthcare and underfunded public schools.

The Marie Jon’ says: What a picture these ungrateful invaders painted as they streamed before TV cameras.
I mean, we’re planning on sending their undocumented brothers and sisters back to the squaller they tried to escape. A “thank you” would be nice…

The Gaffney says: clergy and self-described humanitarians, businessmen and other advocates of illegal immigration ask them this:
Wait… so, are the clergy and businessmen advocates of illegal immigration? I’m guessing the only people who oppose illegal immigration are the Minutemen, then?


Although ‘Woodrowfan’ asked this three times, where is this banning of the flag in classrooms stuff coming from? This is not the first time I’ve seen this claim. Is it some mutation of the pledge of allegience suits concerning the ‘under God’ phrase?


Whaddya want to bet, that Kaye actually… sent “her” e-mail — to!


Kaye: Sounds like the poor girl just wants a chance to whip someone without going to jail or wearing leather. Oh, and we have “freebies”? Has she fallen under the sway of Matthew Lesko?
MJ’: Muddled thought, inflammatory terms, and no trace of her self-professed Christian ideals. Typical MJ. First, a greedily hoarded treasure is a hoard. A herd of wildebeests or a mob of people is a horde. (Thanks to And “in masse”? Marie, “en masse” is a common term in our language today. I know it’s originally French, but that hasn’t really been an excuse since the Normans invaded England quite some time ago.
Frank: Man, talk about filler. This entire article is irrelevant. I looked again just now and couldn’t locate anything resembling a point. Is this typical of Frank?


And by the way, Marie Apostrophe, it’s “hordes,” not “hoards.”

Maybe she meant to convey the idea that all those legal hordes are hoarding hordes.


Our people — especially the elderly, are suffering in their own country, so therefore it is “unacceptable” that we as American taxpayers should have to bear the brunt of a country like Mexico and be responsible for boosting their economy, while our own people are suffering.
I, agree with “Kaye”. Those messicans are taking jobs that our old people can do. C’mon old people -get to work. You sufferin’ slackers!


Okay, so I know he’s not Renew America and I know it TECHNICALLY doesn’t offer any solution, but Pastor Swank has a little ditty entitled “Illegals’ Crime Spree: usa” ( that is just begging to be thrown into the fray. I mean, between the 18 Hispanic-related Virginia deaths – 18! – and classy gems like “shooting this wheels along Highway I-30 on his merry way to Whiteville,” how could we not invite him to the shindig?


so if “ladies of the night” were saving up lots of barbarians would they be “whores hoarding hordes?” and if they liked chocolate pastry treats they’d be “ho-ho whores hoarding hordes?”

sorry, I’ll stop now.


Hoary whore hordes hoeing hoarded ho-hos?


Good ol’ Kaye. Every now and then I get worried that she’ll learn to write at the level of a 4th grader and spoil everyone’s fun. But NO!! She always comes through! Consistency is the mark of a true champion.


Come on, this one is clear, Kaye is just top o’the heap of this wingnut pile. Nothing is funnier than a demented little old woman that chases Republican rainbows and unicorns while waxing nostalgic about flappers and gin running.

Oh, wait, did I say funnier? I guess I meant sadder.


I think MJ’s hoards of illegal immigrants are sitting right next to the hoards of WMDs from Iraq.


Via ThinkProgress: linky


Why only a fence along the SOUTHERN border? Why not put one along the Northern one too? And along Alaska! Ooh, ooh, and let’s put a big, big fence all around Hawaii!!!


I was wondering when we’d get to hear Kaye on this issue.

“prisoners can return something back to society for their crimes by picking crops and other jobs that other Americans (supposedly) will not take.”

Mmm, my understanding is that most prisoners are already involved in some kind of prison labor. Except the pathologically violent ones in maximum security, that is.

So, what other jobs that illegal immigrants do did Kaye have in mind for them? Cleaning people’s homes? Nannying?

And as for Marie Jon Apostrophe — why do these people assume that the protesters are all illegal immigrants? Does it not occur to them that the crowds include supporters who are legal residents and American citizens who oppose the fucking legislation?

And of course, they should be locked up especially because they swagger.

And is Frank fucking nuts? He asks whether people who oppose the lousy immigration law proposed in the House would SUPPORT an even lousier policy like the one in Mexico? I mean — are his synapses firing properly??? What the fuck is his point?

Oh, I suppose he assumes that the impoverished people who fled Mexico so they can support their families working in the US actually had the power to enact those lousy laws. Ummm…. Frank? Let’s think this one through.


I’d just like to say, in response to Thorlac’s comment above, that one ought to cut Marie Jon a little slack. “En masse” was borrowed into English in the late 18th or early 19th centuries: the earliest citation in the OED is from 1802.

So, since she’s only had about 200 years rather than 950ish, the mistake is far more understandable.


Right here, at this very moment, I am officially claiming credit for any references to America’s immigration problems as a “Mexican Standoff”.

Thank you for your attention.


I’ll bet “kay” “grogan” DID send her letter to haha


Americanism. It’s as simple as mom’s apple pie. Do you support illegal immigrants demonstrating for their non-existent rights on American streets? If so, do you understand what the word ‘illegal’ means? They are criminals, demanding their rights. But that’s what’s so wrong with America today… criminals with rights. From dope pushers to Welfare cheats to sodomites to liberal traitors undermining our war efforts, every criminal in the U.S. thinks they have ‘rights’, and that’s all we ever hear about today… the ‘rights’ these criminals have. Freedom to run rampant in streets they have no right to even walk in daylight , freedom to subvert the decency of marriage, freedom to succor our enemies and speak out against a war time president in time of war.

Well, I and every other decent American say that’s too much freedom, and it’s un-American. Unpatriotic. It flies in the face of everything this country was founded on, the very ideals of truth, justice, and liberty for all decent, proper, right thinking Americans.

The Bill of Rights was not written by homosexuals, communists, liberals, foreigners, or traitors. It cannot therefore be presumed to apply to homosexuals, communists, liberals, foreigners, or traitors. This is the core delusion and misapprehension that liberals and other traitors and indecent sorts have, that the inalienable rights spoken of by Jefferson actually apply to them. Yes, he said “all men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights�, but obviously when he wrote “all men� he meant all right thinking decent heterosexual Americans who aren’t criminals or traitors to their country, and he also specifically meant good God fearing Christian Americans, since he specifically mentions God in that clause. You can’t have it both ways; if you don’t believe in the Creator, then you can’t have any inalienable rights!

I say, if illegal immigrants don’t like the conditions here in America, why did they come here? Go home. Or go to jail. But either way, don’t wave your foreign flags on our city streets and demand ‘rights’ that you haven’t earned and would only abuse anyway. And I say, if homosexuals want to get married, let them give up their godless sexual choices and have relations with members of the opposite sex! How difficult is that? And I say, if liberals don’t like the way the United States President is prosecuting the War on Terror, then they can go to Canada, or any other foreign hell hole that will take their constantly whining butts. Or, yes, they can go to jail, which is also where homosexuals should go (the only problems is, they’d enjoy it too much, with all the sodomy in there!)

Remember the good old days in America, when sodomy was a crime and Congress had a House Unamerican Activities Committee to root out traitors in our government and amongst our citizenry? Remember when Caucasians were still respected and Jesus Christ was still revered in a country founded by both? Remember when liberals wore peace symbols and had long hair and our police used tear gas and billy clubs on them and National Guardsmen shot them down in the street?

That was Americanism, the Americanism that made this nation great, that conquered the West and built the railroads and saved the world from the Nazis in World War II. And that’s the kind of Americanism we need to return to.

I say we build more prisons and fill them with sodomites, liberal traitors, and baby murdering abortion doctors. I say we give Jose Padilla some company. I say we lock all these un-American undesirables up without a warrant, without lawyers, without charges, without a trial… for those are things Americans have a right to, not non-Americans, and certainly, not unAmericans.


Remember when those pecky colonists killed their english masters in order to become free of their master’s control because their rights weren’t respected?

I just really wish conservatives were intelligent enough to actually put together a semi-decent arguemtn.


Why only a fence along the SOUTHERN border? Why not put one along the Northern one too? And along Alaska! Ooh, ooh, and let’s put a big, big fence all around Hawaii!!!

Good idea, Bill, but you don’t take it far enough! The border fence should encircle the continental US completely, extending a couple of hundred yards out into the various oceans and gulfs that border us, as well as fencing off the terrestrial borders. This will not only keep out pesky Cubans, but can make our beachgoing entirely shark-free! USA! USA!


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