The Shorter National Review Online

First, a fun fact: did you know that the “Shorter” routine has become so popular that even wingnuts are “shortering” their own posts? It’s true:

“Shorter Jeff Goldstein: ‘I eat paste and the A-rabs, they make me a-scared!’�

Well, yes.

Anyway, down to business:

Shorter David Frum:

If only the Mexicans would embrace voodoo economics, and sell some of their national resources to our oil companies, so many of them wouldn’t be forced to emigrate.

Shorter Mark R. Levin:

Dear Leader, Your Worshipfulness, I know you are a great judge of character, but please pay no attention to Vicente Fox’s promises.

Shorter Jay Nordlinger:

The Chinese, so inscrutable! Killing people in order to harvest their organs? Why can’t they just kill people for revenge or ideology or to steal their national resources? You know, like normal people do.

Shorter Flashback:

Thank God John Hinckley didn’t derail the Reagan Revolution’s momentum: now when the President recovers, we can get on with selling off national parks, supporting South African apartheid, and obstructing “crazy requirements” for cripples.

Shorter Mark Krikorian

Like Europe and Israel, we too have a problem with an “enemy within” — except our internal menace is of a Christian, Western background, so that makes our straits less dire right there.

Shorter Byron York:

Some Republicans are dangerously close to selling out their Money = Speech principles because they got hammered by George Soros’s wallet.

Shorter Deroy Murdock:

Ah, shit, I’ve gotta write another column.. uhhhhh, here’s Rudy Giuliani’s recollection of the Reagan shooting.

Shorter Heriot & Schwarzschild:

In writing a long encomium to a recently deceased crackpot legal theorist, we can pretend that the Founders were Propertarians.

Shorter Myrna Blyth:

“Life coaching” is just another silly fad for self-centered creeps the New York Times of course admires. Also, something about metrosexuals and Star Trek.

Shorter Peter Schweizer:

My hagiography of Caspar Weinberger cheerfully omits any mention of felony indictments or Iran-Contra. But I will share an anecdote about how Cap was a budget-cutting machine when in the Department of Health, Education & Welfare, but a total spendthrift when in charge of the Department of Defense. Priorities, ya know.

Giving credit where it’s due: “Shorter” concept invented by D^2 and later perfected by B^3.


Comments: 17


Although it should be noted that you don’t need to abridge DailyKos to show that they support beating up cops.

Granted, they’re also fanatical fans of that anti-semitic, racist, kook Cynthia McKinney.

There’s no need to smear NRO when you’re unwilling to tell the truth about your side.


As is typical of your ilk, Gary, you wouldn’t recognize the truth if it shot you in the face.


This one’s a little better, Gary, but still needs work. I know you can do it!


“Anti-semitic” is the new gay doncha know.


Ooh, look, guys, comments in a DailyKos thread that were roundly down-rated by other kossacks if not outright deleted by admins. We’re screwed! Let’s hope he doesn’t go the whole Malkin and start throwing in our faces random LiveJournal entries. Once he so reveals the true nature of us nefarious leftists, we’ll never be able to show our face on the Interwebs again!!1!


Shorter Gary Ruppert: I know you are, but what am I?

Charlotte Smith

Well, geez, I apologize for David Frum in the Mark Steyn thread and he’s already gone and done something stupid. So, again, sorry about the Frum. Hopefully his mom is haunting him, bad.


How dare you mock Jeff Goldstein, minor deity of right blogistan. I must stick up for him as a fellow Pajamahadeen.

Oh, didn’t you hear that the defeatists have joined Pajamas Media?


Ahh, damn. That “even” should be two words over. Gotta get used to better proofreading now that I blog at a respectable place. Sorry Gavin Seb and Brad!


Well, geez, I apologize for David Frum in the Mark Steyn thread and he’s already gone and done something stupid. So, again, sorry about the Frum. Hopefully his mom is haunting him, bad.

I never feel compelled to apologise for Steyn and Frum. If the wingnuts think paying attention to them is useful, then that’s their own grave they’re digging. The fact that these two boobs have to target audiences that don’t represent mainstream Canadians is a testament to how well we’ve marginalised them. Yay us!

Of course, we could have institutionalised them or at least insisted they participate in some harm-reduction programme, and for that, I’m truly sorry. I suggested it, but no one listened.


Hey Gary, if you’re going to link to articles to support an argument, you might want to check that they don’t say the exact opposite. Read the comment section you linked to the word “up” in your post and you’ll find:

Ever been robbed? (3+ / 0-)

Recommended by:
Hollywood Liberal, Mia Dolan, Bush B Gone

Ever have your house broken into?
Ever have a friend murdered?

I have, all three things, and the third one, twice.

Hate cops all you want, ranty, but they sure have helped me.

Your ignorant prejudice is as offensive as racism.


µø˜˚´¥: my point made upthread exactly.

mal: oh no, bitch, you do not get off that easy. y’all still gotz ta answer for Adam “über-fascist” Yoshida.


Shorter Shorter Jeff Goldstein: The irony of what I’m saying escapes me when I’m trying to be funny.

Okay, maybe it should be a Longer Shorter Jeff Goldstein…



I think you mean eulogy.

Eulogy, by the way, doesn’t necessarily mean an oratory for the dead, just a praise.

But since the guy is dead, you get a twofer.


mal: oh no, bitch, you do not get off that easy. y’all still gotz ta answer for Adam “über-fascist” Yoshida.

Give me a break. I’m the one who got Rachel Marsden to deflower him, and *both* have been considerably more sanguine since. I’ve done all I can.


Here’s an actual site called

Shorter Jeff Goldstein.

because the world could really use less Jeff Goldstein.


well, since this site ate my url, here is the url for Shorter Jeff Goldstein:


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