Michelle Needs Help (No, Literally)…

By Michelle Malkin · March 16, 2006 12:19 PM

Hm. Bla, something-something, new Iraqi documents prove that there were WMD, wakka-wakka, Saddam had ties to Al-Qaeda, need translation, power of the right-blogosphere, honk, mew, bla.

This seems familiar. Where’d we hear this story before?

Zeerp! “Hello, Dum-Dum.”

Oh, right. Move America Forward, the zaniest and most whoopingly inventive of all the fake-nonprofit Republican front groups. Those are the people who started an anti-Cindy-Sheehan foundation called Casey’s Kids-to-Kids, claiming that ‘Casey’ was just the name of a cute dog. They’re our favorites.

Hold on, this just in:

Come on, dudes, if you’re gonna use the great gizoogle, use the great
Posted by: Jack Roy | March 16, 2006 1:27 PM

Okay, well, Michelle needs help translating, so let’s all pull together here.

By Michelle Malkin · March 16, 2006 12:19 PM

If you read nuttin’ else today, makes sure ta go ta this site.

There wizzle be a press conference `bout tha documents today at 1:30pm EST:

TODAY, Thursday, Mizzarch 16, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), Chairman of tha Senate Republizzle Conferizzle n Congressman Pizzy Hoekstra (R-MI), Chairman of tha Hizouse Permanent Select Committee on Intelligizzle wizzay comment on tha releaze of Iraqi documents, trippin’ photos n tapes, that today have been made publicly accessible ta tha world. Senator Santorum n Congressman Hoekstra have worked aggressively ta git tha trove of documents seized fizzle tha Saddam Hussein n Taliban regimes releazed so tha world can see fo` itself whizzat those regimes stood for. Both congressizzles rappa believe tizzle these documents is not only of historizzles significance but can hizzay remind tha world tizzy we is fight’n a global war on terror. Senator Santorum n Congressman Hoekstra bizzle offered legislizzle requir’n tha releaze of tha captured documents n photos . know what im sayin?. These documents come fizzle a collection of some 2 million exploitable items captured in post-war Iraq n Afghanistan fo’ real. The United States has had these documents fo` four years. They hizzy not been publicly available dur’n this time droppin hits.

How `bout an Army of Davids ta translate n process tha info?

Debate at RedState.

Flashback:AJStrata – Unleash tha blogosphere


No translation needed fo` this photo found in tha document trove (hat tip: Bluto):




P-to-da-S: Da story of da ‘Raq WM-to-da-D docs iz ultimately from Brizzent Bozell, another’f our rappas from way back, via tha usual tizzangle o’ fizzoundations ‘n’ frizzunt groupz.

Brent Bozell


Comments: 11


Just out of curiosity, what ever happened to Jose Padilla’s “Al Qaeda application” that teh Malkin(s) was pimping?


Gee, maybe the army shouldn’t have fired all those gay Arabic-speaking linguists.


Jesus H. We’re never gonna hear the end of this. They’re going to be like those Japanese fighters who still thought the war was going on 30 years later. They’ll be in nursing home saying, “Saddam had them WMDs I tells ya! I read it somewhere on the Internets back in ought-six!”


Brad – Nah, they’ll move on to blaming Clinton for creating the mess in the first place when it becomes obvious even to them that their hero Georgie boy nothing more than a boy in a man’s suit. Oh, and hollywood of course.


This is why you’ll have to send people like Michelle to internment/re-education camps after this whole disaster is so blatant no one can deny it.

Who wants to see poor Michelle live out her old-age being tortured by these delusions? We are not liberals, if we are not humane.


Reality is a bitch. Ireland on-line is reporting that one of those translated documents shows that Saddam was concerned about AQ infiltrating Iraq and had basically put out an APB on Zarqawi.


For some reason, reading about those Iraqi documents made me think of poor Martin, my long-ago Kinko’s co-worker on whom we played a very mean prank.

A few of us took a bunch of papers from the recycle bin, poured coffee on some of them, lit a few on fire, stomped those out, ran over one stack with a car, conducted a couple of science experiments involving paper and mud puddles, stapled all of it together all crazy-like and attached a package or two of Post-It notes to random pages. Then we wrote out an incredibly elaborate job order, which we presented to him as a “rush job” when he showed up for third shift. We went out and had a few beers and almost forgot about Martin, but we stopped by the shop and told him we were just kidding. Luckily, he was pretty lazy, so he hadn’t done much, but he sure was sore at us for awhile. Actually, I think he ended up quitting a few weeks later.

Anyway, good luck with the translations, Michelle.


Gee, wonder if they were translated by MEMRI?


Actually, teh, the documents were written in the form of a cryptoquip, like this:


Clue: X equals Saddam-Osama terrorist nuke project

From there it was only a matter of a few hours before the MEMRI boys cracked it. They even had time to do the crossword before their coffee break.


If Zarqawi wasn’t in Iraq, then why did Colin Powell specifically mention him in his January 27th, 2003 address to the UN saying that on two
occasions the US had specifically asked Iraq to turn him over and they refused?

You will need to explain why these documents that have been found and verified specifically mention meetings with al-Qaeda as far back as 1992.

You’ll also need to explain the cash payments that were made by Saddam to the families of Palestinian suicide bombers.
While you are there, explain why the master mind of the Achille Lauro cruise ship in 1985 was picked up in Baghdad in 2003.
You remember, they shoved wheel-chair bound Leon Klinghoffer overboard after shooting him.

On this subject, also explain why Ramzi Yousef entered the US in 1993 with a fake Iraqi passport and also explain why one of his accomplices
made a beeline to Baghdad after the bombings and lived in a house paid for by the Iraqi government – as reported by ABC news in 1994.
He also was picked up in 2003. Of course, in Baghdad.

Remember Abu Nidal? Guess where he was? That’s right. Saddam’s favorite terrorist of the 1980’s was brought back to Iraq to train Al Qaeda
in 2002 but when he refused they killed him. Of course, they claimed it was suicide, but the 4 bullet holes to the head seem to suggest otherwise.

Finally, explain away Ansar al-Islam and Salman Pak. I don’t need to tell you what they are/were since you obviously are so well read on this subject. Also,
tell us why Vladimer Putin sent an envoy to the White House in 2002 to warn the US against attacks being planned by Iraq; this coincides with the documents that were
found in Baghdad and Tikrit that state Saddam’s intentions to use terrorism to attack the US – thus not having to fear retribution since it wasn’t “state sponsored”.

Finally Finally, tell us where the 6,500 chemical/biological weapons that are missing and the 80 tons of mustard gas went? Perhaps David Kay found some of the
mustard gas in a roadside bomb in 2004, according to David Kay. Or, some of the VX was in the roadside bomb in 2005 that fortunately didn’t trigger correctly (US Military). Or maybe its part of the 17 mustard gas warheads the Polish Army bought off the black market in Baghdad in June 2004.

Two of my favorite quotes:
“…we found evidence that they [Iraq] were producing VX nerve gas…” Hans Blix’s report in 2003 (the media somehow leaves this one out, hmmmm)
“Dr. Spertzel, it is not a lie if one is ordered to lie.” Dr. Rahib Tiba, head of Iraq’s biological weapons report, when confronted by Dr. Richard Spertzel of UNSCOM.
Why would she be ordered to lie? At least she wasn’t murdered like many of the other scientists who worked on the weapons programs.


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