A Thigh-Bone Beating On A Tin-Pan Gong

gangsta_bozell2

Shorter Dr. Brent Bozaius the Third, NewsFlustered.org
A Porn-Pop Summer

  • Jungle music on the radio is why our young children are fucking so goddamn much. Also, will Negroes ever learn to spell their names correctly?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

Comments: 68

 
 
 

I wonder what God thinks of that.

God thinks you’re a fucking idiot.

 
 

Damn, I bet Bozell wishes the man hadn’t killed tupac! Brenda got a baby or what?

 
 

I’d click through, but I’m alone, & scared of what might happen.

Always have a buddy to pull you out if you start heading toward the event horizon of Bozellness. Bozellosity. Whatever.

 
 

he pblames rap for being the progeny of white music. same old story. Im not defending flo rida, ar nothin, but why do white people always blame explicit lyrics on black people. Has no one heard Brown Sugar?

 
 

wow im drunk!

 
 

So basically Bozolio is calling for censorship to keep that race music with the nasty words and the sex talk off the teevee, but just suggest a boycott of advertisers for a show where the host calls the President of the YouEssAy a white-hating racist, and it’s all “Censorship! Censorship! You’re trying to keep our conservative assholes from spewing their bullshit over the publicly-owned airwaves, and that a violation of the first amendment to the Con-sta-tu-shun!!!!!!”

Fuck these fucking douchebags.

And Poopy, you’re cute when you’re drunk. Come here often?

 
 

Why do I never learn?

Always. Trust. The. Shorter.

 
 

Always. Trust. The. Shorter.

Or, as Flo Rida might say, “always trust the shawty.”

 
 

Start with the big hit “Birthday Sex,” which brought quick fame (which is to say, infamy) to a singer named Jeremih. (Why must these people always celebrate illiteracy?)

Shit, I thought you were being hyperbolic! When will I learn that the shorter speaks naught but the truth?

wow im drunk!

And yet still more cogent than anything that escapes from Bozell.

 
 

wow im drunk!
But I’m ugly.
No, wait, I got that wrong.

 
 

another sad addition to “trust the shorter.”

Why did i click?

 
 

“These people?” Oh no, he dih-unt!

Now very glad not to have looked.

 
John in Bucharest
 

LOL, I actually thought the conclusion was funnier and a better “shorter”

If tobacco companies can be blamed for lung cancer, and oil companies can be blamed for global warming, why aren’t radio stations and record companies that churn out pornographic music blamed for teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases?

Indeed, those damn negroes are to blame for everything. They are why abstinence-only doesn’t work.

 
 

Shorter Twatwaffle Bozell III:

“The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time.”
*Yells at cloud*

 
 

And in case someone is out there and needs a surrealistic interlude,

Winkers.

 
 

Brent Bozell:

It’s not just men who behave like pigs. The dance diva named Lady Gaga had a hit song titled “Love Game” that repeatedly celebrated the male anatomy: “Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick / I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.”

I really haven’t heard that much of Lady Gaga, much less listened to her lyrics, so I think Brent Bozell serves an important societal function by drawing our attention to such comic genius. That’s just brilliant!

.

 
 

Dr. Brian Primack, as quoted by Brent Bozell:

“High exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex in popular music was independently associated with higher levels of sexual behavior. In fact, exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex was one of the strongest associations with sexual activity.”

We didn’t have degrading sex! We had mind-blowing, enlightening, spiritually invigorating sex!

(Seriously, what does it say about Bozell and Dr. Primack that they feel compelled to associate sex with degradation? Their monthly bills from the dungeon mistress must be enormous.)

.

 
 

why aren’t radio stations and record companies that churn out pornographic music blamed for teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases?
And why aren’t certain websites blamed for catastrophic drops in IQ?

You must excuse me now; the Fray Doktorin has been listening to the music of that nice well-spoken Mr Ian Dury, and under his influence she is voicing strange requests involving my rhythm stick.

 
 

why aren’t radio stations and record companies that churn out pornographic music blamed for teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases?

Wolfman Jack made me get a gay abortion!

You must excuse me now; the Fray Doktorin has been listening to the music of that nice well-spoken Mr Ian Dury, and under his influence she is voicing strange requests involving my rhythm stick.

Did you ever see “Liquid Sky”? Horrible sci-fi involving aliens who eat some chemical produced inside a man’s brain during orgasm. Good for two lines of dialog: (1) “I kill with my cunt”; (2) as part of performance art, “Me and my rhythm box!”

 
 

WHAT do you mean… “these people”?

 
a different mikey
 

Yeah, I’m old enough to remember “Liquid Sky”. Like the other shorters around here just trust N__B. Truly terrible and not in a good way. Do not click through!

 
 

Oh, Poopy’s drunk. I just assumed he was one of “these people”.

 
 

why do white people always blame explicit lyrics on black people. Has no one heard Brown Sugar?

Or this?

 
 

Tigrismus –

Is Clarence Rick’s father?

 
 

He’s Astley, not Ashley, but I’d rather be Clarence-rolled anyway.

 
 

I’d rather be drunk but no one will drink me.

 
 

why do white people always blame explicit lyrics on black people. Has no one heard Brown Sugar?

Criminey flapdoodles! Has no one heard of the Mothers of Invention? The Fugs? The Mentors!?!

 
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist
 

Wow, the 1980s are back in more ways than just the kids wearing Wayfarers.

What’s next, backward-masking on iPods?

 
 

Has no one heard Brown Sugar?

Ah, but the Rolling Stones clearly wouldn’t have come up with that song if they hadn’t been listening to that blues stuff for years. And we all know who writes and sings that kind of music….

 
 

Oh Christ, is it time for BB’s annual “I hate the music those kids are listening to” column? Jesus, he just cranks out the same column, and replaces the names. And the people that clean his office somehow make less than him.

People wonder why I’m atheist.

 
 

Why can’t these assholes come up with something original to complain about? It’s always “the younger generation going to hell in a handbasket” for them! I’ve been sick of hearing about that since I was 16 and that was a long long time ago.

And I never used “the music made me do it, Mom” as an excuse either. These prunes think that if nobody ever mentioned it, teenagers wouldn’t think about sex.

Delusional! Impotent! Jealous!

fuck away, kids! Nobody can stop you!

 
The Starland Vocal Band
 

this is our # 1hit from 1976

==
Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
gonna grab some afternoon delight.
My motto’s always been; when it’s right, it’s right.
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.
When everything’s a little clearer in the light of day.
And you know the night is always gonna be there any way.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite
looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
and the thought of rubbin’ you is getting so exciting.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn’t bite
But you’ve got some bait a waitin’ and I think I might try nibbling
a little afternoon delight.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Please be waiting for me baby when I come around.
We could make a lot of lovin’ ‘for the sun goes down.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight

===
also!

 
 

Or the entire Root Boy Slim catalog.

I haven’t seen Liquid Sky since it came out 25 years ago, but I remember we all turned out to see it at the local indy film house here and liked it pretty much. Of course we were all into degrading sex and serious recreational drug abuse back then.

 
The Starland Vocal Band
 

WE wonder if Brent is upset that he is able to understand what the artists are actually talking about.

 
 

Oh Christ, is it time for BB’s annual “I hate the music those kids are listening to” column?

What sad, sad, overplowed ground to farrow.

 
 

So does this mean that country music causes adultery?

 
Mr. Bunched Undies
 

Flo Rida granted an interview to NBC anchor Matt Lauer, who buttered up his guest by asking if his mother deserved credit for inspiring him to ascend from the rougher neighborhoods of Miami. Flo Rida’s answer was even more offensive in its hypocrisy: “I mean, most definitely. She always taught me to dream big, put God first, you know, sacrifice and the sky’s the limit.”

I wonder what God thinks of that.

Fuck you. I wonder what God thinks about all the hundreds of thousands of wounded, dismembered, and dead from your wars of choice? Cursing and sex are just sooo much worse.

 
 

And I never used “the music made me do it, Mom” as an excuse either. These prunes think that if nobody ever mentioned it, teenagers wouldn’t think about sex.

It wasn’t the music, it was my old man’s stash of Playboys.

 
 

Liquid Sky was also notable for the fact that its soundtrack was composed and performed entirely on the New York Public Library’s public access synthesizer.

Me.

Me and my.

Me and my… rhythm box.

Why do I know these things?

 
 

Why do I know these things?

I don’t know, but I’m scared.

 
 

I’ll just leave this obligatory prurient content here.

 
 

What sad, sad, overplowed ground to farrow.

Sows farrow. Plows make furrows.

Wait…what are we taking about, again?

/pedant

 
 

tigrismus’s link deserves a cut and paste job. From wikipedia:

My Sweet Farm Girl – Clarence Ashley
From Folktunes

“My Sweet Farm Girl” played by Clarence Ashley

My sweet farm girl, she’s jolly of my pride
My sweet farm girl, she’s jolly of my pride
She knows I know how to keep her satisfied

So early in the morning I cut her grass you bet
So early in the morning I cut her grass you bet
Pull up the hose; I keep her lawn all wet

I close her fire; I shake her ashes down
I close her fire; I shake her ashes down
We eat our breakfast, then we ride on back to town

I keep her garden all free from bugs and weeds
I keep her garden all free from bugs and weeds
I plow her land, and then I sow my seeds

I trim her hedges; I clean out her back yard
I trim her hedges; I clean out her back yard
She loves her daddy because I’m long and hard

Recorded on December 1, 1931 in New York City. Ashley plays guitar and sings, with Gwen Foster on guitar and harmonica. The sexual connotations are rather obvious.

 
 

BB strikes me as a Ted Nugent fan, at least of his politics. So this is from BB…

That Nadine, what a teenage queen
She come to town; she be foolin’ around
She lookin’ so clean, especi’lly down in between; what I like

It’s all right
Wang Dang Sweet Poontang
A puttin’ me down as a rock-and-roll clown

Wang dang, what a sweet poontang
A shakin’ my thang as a rang-a-dang-dang in the bell
Down on the street you know she can’t be beat
She’s so sweet when she yanks on my meat
What the hell

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

 
 

Should have thought to post this earlier.

 
 

Oh, well, yes, but, you see, it’s okay when WE do it.

White people having sex (with each other, one specifies) = Increasing the White Race, genetic superiority, yadda yadda yadda. It’s all those scary brown people who aren’t allowed to have or think about (or talk about, or sing about) sex.

Also, I’m sure wozznose up there thinks dirty songs sung by white people are more tasteful. Must be the absence of melanin in the vocal cords.

 
 

This seems to be the poetry corner.

When souls grimly tread
Wearing cloaks made of lead
A pint of plain is your only man!

Something like that, anyway.

 
 

Why, oh why, for the love of spag, can’t they listen to clean, virtuous music like jazz or ragtime, performed by nice boys with names like Jellyroll or Root Boy?

 
 

It’s hard to take that guy seriously without a Planet of the Apes photoshop.

 
 

Here’s what I noticed about BB’s advertising practices. Mr. Boycott indeed:

http://storyarc.squarespace.com/brent-bozells-ad-environment/

hypocrisy? In this establishment?

ice9

 
valkyr of science
 

Oh, wow. I’ve seen Liquid Sky, and I actually kind of liked it. I remember thinking there was some big point to it, like it was trying to say something deep about… society and culture and… I don’t know. But then, I was pretty blazed at the time. I tried to watch it while sober once and I couldn’t get through it.

 
 

Makes me think of that line in Douglas Kenney’s immortal short story “First Blowjob,” where the handsome but psycho prom king has lashed his date to the steering wheel, changed into “a makeshift Nazi uniform,” and is preparing to whip her with the car’s broken-off antenna: “Gee, I’ve been wanting to try this ever since I first heard Negro music!”

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

The Mentors

Wow, haven’t thought of them in ages, never listened to them, but remember the album covers featuring the band in executioners’ hoods- takes me back!

Given current demographic trends in this country, I am surprised that Bozell’s not blaming all the teen pregnancy on alternately plaintive and sprightly accordion music.

 
 

Oh wait, here’s another quote from Dr Brian Primack (courtesy of a Guardian UK article): “There certainly seems to be a link, but it is hard to say whether listening to music is directly contributing to having sex earlier.” Now I may belong to the group of brown dumbasses who can’t spell their own names right but even I can figure out that “hard to say” doesn’t quite equal to “Yeah if 10-yr-olds listen to Jeremih then they’ll be fuckin by the time they’re 11”, which was Prudence Boozewell’s takeaway from that study. Oh and BTW even soulless pedigreed whitebread families make funny spelling mistakes with their names–I mean since when is Shit-for-brains spelt b-r-e-n-t?

 
 

Oh wait, here’s another quote from Dr Brian Primack (from a Guardian UK article): “There certainly seems to be a link, but it is hard to say whether listening to music is directly contributing to having sex earlier. Now, I may belong to that group of brown dumbasses who can’t even spell their own names right, but even I know that “hard to say” doesn’t equal “yeah if 10-yr-olds listen to Jeremih then they’ll be fucking by the time they’re 11”, which seems to be Prudence Boozewell’s takeaway from that study. Oh and BTW even soulless pedigreed whitebread families spell their names funny sometimes. I mean since when is Shit-for-brains spelled b-r-e-n-t?

 
 

On the fourteenth of May
At the dawn of the day
With my gun on my shoulder
To the woods I did stray
In search of some game
If the weather proved fair
To see could I get a shot at the Bonny Black Hare.

Oh I met a young girl there,
With a face as a rose
And her skin was as fair
As the lily that grows
I says t’her, Fair maid
Why ramble you so?
Can you tell me where the Bonny Black Hare did go.

Oh the answer she gave me
Her answer was no
“But it’s under my apron
They say it did go.
So if you’ll not deceive me, I vow and declare
Why don’t we go together to hunt the Bonny Black Hare.”

Oh I lay this girl down
With her face to the skies
I took out my ramrod
And my bullets likewise
I says, “Lock your legs ’round me
And dig in with your heels.
For the closer we get, o
the better it feels.”

The birds they were singing in
The bushes and trees.
And the song that they sang was
O, she’s easy to please.
I felt her heart quiver, and I knew what I’d done.
Says I, have you had enough of my old sportin’ gun?

O the answer she gave me
Her answer was nay.
“It’s not often young sportsmen like you
Come this way.
So if your powder is willing
And your bullets play fair
Why don’t you keep firing at the Bonny Black Hare.”

“Oh, my powder is wasted
And my bullets all gone.
My ramrod is limp,
And I cannot fire on.
But I’ll be back in the morning, and if you are still here
We’ll both go together again to hunt the Bonny Black Hare.”

(Fairport Convention, from Angel Delight)

Fuck you, Bozell.

 
 

I’ll comment as soon as I finish watching Reefer Madness and Footloose.

 
 

The rapper who calls himself Flo Rida unleashed a big hit with “Right Round,” which celebrates oral sex: “You spin my head right round, right round / When you go down, when you go down, down.” He’s not talking about spinning his eyeballs around.

OH is that what that song was about? I just figured it was a bad copy of the Dead or Alive classic. What was w/ that guy wearing an eye patch some of the time anyway? Confused the hell out of me. Inquiring minds want to know.

 
Anonymous 14th-centrury minstrel
 

I have a gentil cock
croweth me day
he doth me risen early
my matins for to stay

I have a gentil cock
comen he is of great
his comb is of red coral
his tail is of jet

his eyes are of crystal
locked all in amber
and every night he percheth him
in my lady`s chamber

 
 

What1?!? You mean people have been singing songs about fucking since the beginning of time??!1??

How could conservatives have allowed THAT to happen!!?1!

fail.

 
 

Was this written by Boz(o)ell 60 years ago? Jesus, I half expected him to name Alan Free specifically and hold him accountable for the debauchery…

AND as my contribution to the downfall of society, I’ll recall the lyrics to a tender little love song from 1951:

Sixty Minute Man by The Dominos

Sixty-minute man, sixty-minute man
Look a here girls I’m telling you now
They call me “Lovin’ Dan”
I rock ’em, roll ’em all night long
I’m a sixty-minute man
If you don’t believe I’m all that I say
Come up and take my hand
When I let you go you’ll cry “Oh yes”
“He’s a sixty-minute man”.

There’ll be fifteen minutes of kissin’
Then you’ll holler “Please don’t stop” (Don’t stop!)
There’ll be fifteen minutes of teasin’
Fifteen minutes of squeezin’
And fifteen minutes of blowin’ my top

 
 

if brent bozell can blame chicago public schools’ public service announcements encouraging students to return to school in the fall for possibly making kids aware of the music they listen to already, then i can definitely blame him for exposing me to this amazing collection of historical dirty musics. you people are such well-rounded perverts! i love this place.

ps: i also have trouble seeing him without the planet of the apes photoshop.

 
 

Mid-1850’s, (as sung by Oak, Ash and Thorn in the mid-1970’s):

As I stepped out one evening upon a night’s career,
I spied a lofty vessel and after her I steered.
I hoisted up my sig-in-als which she so quickly knew,
And when she seen my signals fly, she immediately hove to.

Oh, She had a dark and a rovin’ eye,
And her hair hung down in ring-a-lets.
She was a fine girl, a decent girl,
But one of the rakish kind.

“Oh, sailor, please excuse me for being out so late,
But if my parents knew of it, oh, sad would be my fate.
My father is a minister, a good and honest man.
My mother is a Methodist; so I do the best I can…”

She had a dark and a roving eye,
And her hair hung down in ring-a-lets.
She was a fine girl, a decent girl,
But one of the rakish kind.

I took her to a quiet berth; I knew she wouldn’t mind.
But little did I think that she was of the rakish kind.
I handled her, I dandled her, and learned to my surprise,
She was nothing but a fire ship rigged up in a disquise.

She had a dark and a roving eye,
And her hair hung down in ring-a-lets.
She was a fine girl, a decent girl,
But one of the rakish kind.

So all you lovesick vessels that on the streets do sail
If you would have companionship, beware the ship you hail
For I’d barely left my fireship, it was hardly a week gone past
When I found the fire that burned in her was a-raging in me mast…

She had a dark and a roving eye,
And her hair hung down in ring-a-lets.
She was a fine girl, a decent girl,
But one of the rakish kind!

 
 

And that isn’t even the dirty version.

 
 

Dr. Brent Bozaius

Especially in that picture. “Man is a pestilence…”

 
The Goddamn Batman Sez, "Nazi Punks Fuck Off"
 

Went to a party
I danced all night
I drank 16 beers
And I started up a fight

But now I am jaded
You’re out of luck
I’m rolling down the stairs
Too drunk to fuck

Too drunk to fuck
Too drunk to fuck
Too drunk, to fuck
I’m too drunk, too drunk, too drunk
To fuck

I like your stories
I love your gun
Shooting out truck tires
Sounds like loads and loads of fun

But in my room
Wish you were dead
You ball like the baby
In Eraserhead

Too drunk to fuck
Too drunk to fuck
Too drunk, to fuck
It’s all I need right now
Too drunk to fuck

Too drunk to fuck
Too drunk to fuck
Too drunk, to fuck
I’m sick soft gooey and cold
Too drunk to fuck

I’m about to drop
My head’s a mess
The only salvation is
I’ll never see you again

You give me head
It makes it worse
Take out your fuckin’ retainer
Put it in your purse

I’m too drunk to fuck
You’re to drunk to fuck
Too drunk to fuck
It’s all I need right now Oh baby
I’m melting like an ice cream bar
Oh baby

And now I got diarrhea
Too drunk to fuck
Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah
Oooohhh [puking sounds]

 
 

Ted Nugent was the first person I thought of. What a nice boy and such clean, come-to-Jesus songs…

Like Ozzie Osbourne. And he went to the White House.

 
address my envelope, Lips!
 

For Maud’s sake, we’ve been singing dirty songs from the 16th century for years. And, the filthiest-minded boy I ever knew was deeply into Amy Grant and that fucking awful “My Dog is an Awesome Dog” song.

Also.

 
 

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