Ooo Eee, Ooo Ah Ah
Posted on July 28th, 2009 by Tintin
ABOVE: Dan Riehl, sitzpinkler
Shorter Dan Riehl, Riehl Crazy World View:
Those Damned Brown People!
- As proof that I am not a racist, let me tell you a story about how recently a “brown” person and a “jet black” person tried to give me driving directions in a DC suburb. Because their accents were so bad, I couldn’t understand a single word that either of them said, which made me LMAO. They were so stupid that they didn’t understand that I was laughing at them and so they continued to try to give me incomprehensible directions — you know “bugga ugga poogga zuwu bugga wiggi walla-walla” and so forth — which made the whole thing even more hilarious. Man, I really loved those guys.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Ef youz all. I’m first. For once in my pitiful life. Thanks for the pic.
Jeebus, that’s pathetic. The Dan Riehl part, I mean.
??
Anyway,
So this white lady pwns him and he doesn’t understand. Dan is so no smart.
“Dan is so no smart.”
That really comes across in his writing.
What is that shit about the only American in DC?
Because I’m sure Riehl is absolutely precise in his diction always…
Ugh… like a dipshit, I clicked through, and SO LITTLE of the shorter doesn’t appear verbatim in the column.
Ever wonder why the Republicans waited until AFTER the election to fully embrace racism?
Punchline:
Because they thought they McCain/Palin 08! could win without it.
OT, but needs to be seen considering the FOX map below. Check out Bill O’s grasp of statistics here:
http://tpmtv.talkingpointsmemo.com/?id=3060320
Unfuckin-believable.
He’s one of the good white people. The good ones can be nice around brown people as if they were in a real social setting.
“Anyway, don’t tell me I don’t like brown or black people. I wouldn’t trade those two guys in for that uptight upper-middle-class white woman who couldn’t be bothered to give me the time of day for all the money in the world.”
Let’s see, trading brown or black people for money…
What a patronizing asshole.
Oh, and he probably has friends who are Jewish too.
Poor Dan – they weren’t talking about driving directions, they were saying “get me some motherfucking iced tea!”
Oh, and he probably has friends who are Jewish too.
You’re assuming he has friends in the first place.
Well I looked at Reihl spewl and then clicked on some more links and then found a comedy gold comments section at Gateway Pundit.
If Obama don’t go to far in socialism and start behaving more moderate, WE WILL ACCEPT HIM even though he is a Usurper
Dont’ go to far, people, just don’t go there.
The good ones can be nice around brown people as if they were in a real social setting.
Not even! He can be nice around brown people if he needs something from them.
I made the mistake of clicking through because I just couldn’t believe the title. A guy who writes like that has no business criticizing anyone’s English.
Nah, he only thinks they’re his friends. They laugh at him behind his back.
Every time I’m sure the Sadlynauts are exaggerating the stupid, I click on the link and I’m faced with *exactly* the Shorter, except, well, longer.
And yet I continue to doubt, ever so often.
LITERALLY laughing his ass off.
He went there.
My lord. It’s really titled that. And the piece itself…
They really have absolutely no self-awareness.
Seriously, how big a fucktard do you have to be to take “I’ll have you know I have a BLACK FRIEND” and then color it several MORE shades of condescending?
Tune in next week when Dan lets a gay man serve him a latte!
Seriously, how big a fucktard do you have to be…
See picture at top.
This concludes another edition of SA2SQ.
It’s like he vomited on the intertrons and it came out brown, and racist.
Do any of you post in their comments for fun, or do you just get the hell out asap when done reading the main discharge?
Do any of you post in their comments for fun, or do you just get the hell out asap when done reading the main discharge?
No need for me to troll, no need to play librul Tw00fie. Indeed, I almost never click through (don’t want to give them the hits, and learned early on that teh editooorz are spot-on in teh shortehs).
People are just that, people. And I always take them as they come, regardless of skin color, country of origin, or native language, even if I just don’t get how they talk.
I haven’t wept this much since the ending of Forrest Gump — you know, after his wife died of AIDS and he had to put his adorable non-retarded and hopefully AIDS-uninfected son on the school bus and then a feather fell out of a copy of My Pet Goat and swirled and swirled around in the wind. Yeah, even more than that.
And yet I continue to doubt, ever so often.
Wingnuts hath the stupid that passeth all understanding.
LITERALLY laughing his ass off.
I envision this as being something like a dutch rudder. It’s not him jerking off the donkey, that would be sick; it’s the pure hilarity of this collection of “Cathy” comic strips. Argh! Mondays!
Indeed, I almost never click through (don’t want to give them the hits…)
That and I don’t need the blood pressure spike.
Shorter Dan Riehl.
“Anyway, I get lost in a DC suburb yesterday and need directions. I pull into a shopping mall and see this lady (white) walking to her car, I’m in mind. I’m inside the vehicle, so I power the passenger side window down and say, excuse me, I’m lost. Can you tell me how to get to so and so.”
I refuse to believe that English is Danny Riehl’s first language and he is a natural born American until I see at least two original vault copies of his birth certificate.
Shorter Dan Riehl:
“ Woah, big gulps huh? Alright….Well, see ya later.“
So let me get clear on this.
He liked the black guy and the brown guy because they tried to be helpful. That means that he likes black people and brown people.
The white woman wasn’t helpful, so presumably he didn’t like her. That must mean … he doesn’t like white people?
He reminds me of my mother. Sometimes when I’m with her in public I am trying to cringe myself into a singularity.
I liked Riehl’s comment about the stuck-up white woman who wouldn’t even talk to him. It’s nice that he added some refreshing misogyny to his warmed over racism.
When I read his column I kept picture it was the Fred Willard character in Best In Show talking (“And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten!”) . Of course in the Pshop photo in the post he kinda looks like Willard too.
I don’t think Gavin loves us anymore.
Reads like a scene out of a new Borat-esque movie. God it would be hilarious if the “jet black” guy had pwned Riehl a la Baron Cohen.
@kingubu: could it be Studebaker-related?
could it be Studebaker-related?
Praps. Probably just busy with work, too. Neither will stop me from whining about it, though.
FF, you should consider posting that over there in comments. I’d be fascinated to find out what he’d say in response.
Not enough to post it mahsel of course. But fascinated nonetheless.
Let’s you & him fight! Yeah!
Funniest shorter I’ve read here. I lulzed much rofls.
I guess this Riehl guy is trying to be nice, in his own weird way. But when I can’t understand someone’s accent, I feel embarrassed, not amused. Here this person is making a sincere effort to communicate, and I have to tell him that his English isn’t up to my standards.
The best you can do is improvise. Many years ago, I was working the counter at the college library, and this Japanese guy came up wanting to know where he could find the “ryeshow” at the “rounge.” I was clueless until I got the bright idea of whipping out that day’s campus paper, and he promptly pointed to a notice for a light show in the student lounge.
If you grow up speaking English, you can’t appreciate what a fucked language it is. At least until you try teaching it to someone else. I was an ESL tutor once, and I can’t count the number of times I ended up saying, “It’s because…the rule is…that’s just the way it is, OK?”
My lord. It’s really titled that. And the piece itself…
They really have absolutely no self-awareness.
This is exhibit A for the wisdom of the aphorism “ignorance is bliss.”
Anyone that stupid needs the shield of stupid to help keep him from an understanding of how truly stupid he is, else the shame and humiliation would kill him.
Oh, and, re: the photo caption? Scuse mah finGAHs!!!!
English was designed by the English to keep the damn foreigners in their place.
It’s clear to me now. The right doesn’t dislike brown people or dark people, they just dislike the darkest people! If you’re a “brown” person surrounded by white people, the right hates you. But, if you stand next to a “jet black” person, well maybe you’re not so bad after all! It’s just like taking an ugly friend as a wingman or wingwoman when you go out. Next to them you look a lot better.
BRAINFLASH! The way to get wingnuts to like Obama, whenever he appears on TV, have a “jet black” guy standing next to him!
Next to them you look a lot better.
The way to get wingnuts to like Obama, whenever he appears on TV, have a “jet black” guy standing next to him!
I WOKE UP JET BLACK THE OTHER MORNING!!! I PASSED OUT AT THE BLOOD CLOT BAR AND THE PRANKSTERS THERE USED 4 CANS OF KRYLON BLACK GLOSS ON ME!!!! EVEN AFTER SCRUBBING MYSELF WITH COMET I STILL LOOK MIGHTY DUSKY, WHICH HAS CAUSED THE CONGREGANTS OF THE FIRST ARYAN CHURCH OF WHITE BUTTE TO SHUN ME!!!
Rugged: You might look up Michael Jackson’s dermatologist. I understand he’s available.
To demonstrate my affinity for the darker skinned sub-humans of the African race, allow me to pass along this delightful anecdote regarding one of my slaves and his attempt to familiarize himself with Eli Whitney’s fabulous new invention, the cotton gin…
Praps. Probably just busy with work, too. Neither will stop me from whining about it, though.
Gavin still loves you all very much, he is just rather busy right now with being dragged to childbirth and infant care classes and being forced to look at various baby things to add/not add to registries, but mainly working his ass off building a business that he’ll still be able to do effectively while stay-at-home dadding little Studie.
I will pass along your dismay at his absence.
Oh, just admit it libs! Blacks are infereoier!
Thought I’d share…
“Infereoier”.
Anyone driving in DC without knowing how to get around deserves whatever misery comes their way. The brothers were probably fucking with him, anyway. I know I would, and I’m white and know DC like the back of my hand. If he followed my directions, he’d get the grand tour. Chucklehead bitch.
Anyone driving in DC without knowing how to get around deserves whatever misery comes their way. The brothers were probably fucking with him, anyway. I know I would, and I’m white and know DC like the back of my hand, having lived there for years. If he followed my directions, he’d get the grand tour. Chucklehead bitch.
I’m learning that one should always go by a paraphrase of Capt. Willard when one visits here, to wit:
Absolutely fucking-A right: Never click on the link.
And, hey Dan, how ’bout that “brown guy:” was he Indian? Mexican? Italian? What? And “the black guy:” African, maybe? Jamaican? Aborigine? Or do you just put them all in a box labelled “darker than me”?
FYWP and/or spotty wi fi
What insight. It amazes me how the wingnuts cling to the loudest idiot in the bunch and then shout, “He’s our man!” and said wingnut gets all bloated like and actually believes he has something of value to say and he can say it in a way that’s entertaining.
Not to those who have a brain and use it.
If this is all the common wingnut has to offer (which so far is), then my worst fears are absolutely true: we are ruled by an oligarchy of Murdochs and we are fighting the pawns who stand in front of the rulers.
Get out of the damn way Reihl you moron! Can’t you see we are fighting for your freedom and better understanding?
spotty wi fi
Yet another unappetizing name for a British dessert.
If Obama don’t go to far in socialism and start behaving more moderate, WE WILL ACCEPT HIM even though he is a Usurper
Will they climb down with the same grace and aplomb with which up they slithered?
Poor naive Kate, they don’t want freedom or better understanding. Freedom means freedom to make your own choices and freedom to fail. Much better to be told what to do and blame everything on this week’s designated scapegoat. Better understanding means realizing the world is a complex place and very little is black/white, thinking will be required. Much easier to stick w/ moral absolutes handed down from on high.
Citizen X:
As we all “know,” the brown guy was running the 7-Eleven or whatever it was. We only need to know that he was of the race of brown people as what runs 7-Elevens. (In my neighborhood, it’s mostly people from Bangla Desh, but really, they all look alike, don’t they?)
Dan did assume that the “jet black”* guy was probably African. How concerned & perceptive of him. Once he got the color gradations figured out, he could pretend they were individuals to him instead of hues on the color scale.
*Not, oddly enough, “coal” or “ink/inky” black. Heh.
Seriously, how big a fucktard do you have to be to take “I’ll have you know I have a BLACK FRIEND” and then color it several MORE shades of condescending?
I recommend a 51ft. lowboy, although I hope you’ve read all the regulatory shit concerning fucktards.
This sounds A LOT like a story Buckley supposedly told about his trip to a fast food restaurant. He couldn’t understand the (black) person behind the counter and great hilarity ensued.
Not that I’m accusing Mr. Riehl of dishonesty. He clearly has too great a command of the written word to resort to such tactics.
Did the guy behind the counter then become a “crazed Negro”, forcing Buckley to stand athwart him? Because you just know he was looking for an excuse.
Reminds me of a joke.
A guy walks into a bar and sees this African with a parrot on his shoulder. He asks
“Hey you, uh sir, how do I get to IKEA from here.”
To which the guy responds
“Thank you for speaking to me. It’s an honor in my village to be addressed by a white person”
I forget why the parrot is there.
He didn’t want to become a statistic.
You know, I work at an airport and I’ve never seen a black jet.
I’m confused. he flips, was the bar in the African parrot fancier’s village or not? If it was, was the IKEA in the same village or somewhere else? Also did the man ever find the IKEA he was looking for and did they still have those end tables on sale?
His village was Fairfax, but the bar was in Arlington. He was born in Africa but his parents faked a birth certificate so he could live here. The parrot is a common site in Fairfax. I’m surprised you didn’t know the style originated there. I thought that was implied.
And no the end tables, or Värdelös Trä, were never on sale. They just made the price sign bigger as if it was a good price.
You know, I work at an airport and I’ve never seen a black jet.
Jet is a geological material and is considered to be a minor gemstone…The adjective jet-black is better-known perhaps than the substance from which the descriptive phrase derives.
I did not know that.
The Black Jets: You thought the black helicopters were a-scary!
All of a sudden I’m imagining Rex Ryan signing Vick. Why is that?
Why would a woman of any color look down upon Dan. Is it because he’s accosting her in a parking lot and looks one fake arm cast short of being Bundy 2009?
Just asking.
Clearly, he has two boxes. One labeled “Darker than me” and one labeled “Darker than him, so dark that the fellow in box #1 and I can both laugh at him.”
What language does God speak? If he/she spoke and you could not understand, would you make fun then too?
My comment was to that Dan fella’ – naturally.
What language does God speak?
The language of luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv….
What language does God speak?
I visualized the end of that Priceline commercial:
“The language…. of the Deal”
Shatner is Gawd!!
Yes, I, a personage of the female persuasion, will totally stop and walk over to strange men in cars who ask me for directions, because I have no sense of self preservation, and any woman who does not do the same is showing remarkable selfishness about valuing their personal safety over the directional needs of a creepy guy who resembles the Green River Killer.
Anyway, as far as I can tell from trying to read his excruciating kindergarten-level writing, she *did* give him directions, and pretty good ones for DC, where the standard direction giving is “you know where the Smithsonian is? Well, don’t go that way”.
I assume if I can’t understand someone that *my* comprehension skills are lacking, but then, I’m not a racist asshole. I did get lost in Northeast DC once, when I was newer to the place, but the nice people that gave me directions were very patient and friendly, and did not steal my purse for crack, or whatever it is that wingnuts think black urbanites do when not serving as objects of their derision.
If a God could speak, we would not be able to understand him.
So he’s not a racist because he’s man enough to admit publicly that some dark-skinned foreigners were nice to him? What would he have done if he WERE a racist, called the INS on them after they gave him directions?
I will pass along your dismay at his absence.
Thanks, Lady Doctor Missus. Yeah, I’m sure things are completely crazy at Maison d’M, right now. If you pass along anything at all, just let Gavin know that we noticed he was missing.
You know, I work at an airport and I’ve never seen a black jet.
There’s a couple dozen on that football team!!!!! Why are you saying they’e racist in the NFL????
The only way a white person can be racists is if they immediately shoot any brown person they see. This does not apply to the police.
I wouldn’t give Dan Riehl the time of day if he asked me nicely. Not because I’m whiter than he (which I probably am, unless he’s an albino), but because he’s just plain patronizing and dumber than sailor’s shit.
Not only *literally* laughing his ass off (clunk! who’s cleaning *that* off the 7-11 floor?) …
But also: “…there’s a ‘brown’ fellow with terrible English due his accent at the register.”
Yes, just *terrible* English.
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