Cheney Asserts Second-Amendment Rights, Victim in Stable Condition

I’m still locked out of the site due to weird DNS issues, but there’s a way to jiu-jitsu around via a German proxy server and end up around back, by the dumpster, and then sneak in through the utility door.

[Flicking on overhead lights, shooing cats off countertops.]

The Cheney thing. Hmm.

[Looks in ‘fridge, nothing but condiments and a dessicated apple. Checks crisper, finds a stray bottle of Dortmunder Pils.]

Well, at least Cheney wasn’t using the machine guns this time.

Special from NewsMax’s Most Informed Sources
Monday, May. 03, 2004

Cheney’s collection, our sources say, is in the hundreds of guns, including pistols, shotguns and machine guns — from antique Thompsons to the most modern European automatic machine guns.

To let off some steam (God knows he has some to let off these days), the Vice President has been known to go out to the federal training center in Maryland where the Secret Service does its own gun practice.

A typical Cheney visit, told to us by a person who attended one, included the Vice President bringing some 30 guns from his own collection.

On the ranger, Cheney would blow away his targets — with Thompson machine guns, the latest German and Austrian machine guns, Lugars, MP5s, shot guns, you name it.

One after another an aide would hand the Vice President his latest armament, and Cheney would fire away, no doubt imagining al-Qaeda terrorists in his gun sights.

We’re told Cheney is a good shot to boot.

Sadly, No!


Comments: 31


My money’s on Whittington to win the 2008 Tour de France.


One of witnesses (via World O’ Crap) was quoted saying, “The person who is not doing the shooting at the point is just as responsible and, should be, as the person actually shooting.”

*head explodes*

Still, was it really that slow of a news day?


That Newsmax story gives me visions of a disgruntled Cheney striding into the White House one day, wearing a long black duster, toting a duffel bag full of armaments, and shooting up staffers until a D.C. SWAT team drops him in the cafeteria.

Then Michael Moore makes a documentary about it.


Nice one Vladi G.

How the eff does a 78 year old sneak up on you when you are shooting pen-raised birds? Here’s PZ on the cobaggery. Maybe it’s better Cheney didn’t go to Vietnam: the VC weren’t basically tied to a pole, and the additional friendly fire deaths would have put a couple more panels up on the memorial. What a despicable human being, in every way.


C’mon guys, didn’t you know that yesterday was the opening day of “White Septagenarian” season? He bagged a fine male specimen, that’s all.

Why can’t you let Dick be Dick?


We’re told Cheney is a good shot to boot.

Sadly, No!

What do you mean, “Sadly, No”? He hit the target, didn’t he?


Damn shame he doesn’t hunt with his boss.


Well, this came as a surprise. I thought at Cheney’s age he only shot blanks.


To be fair, one of the quails was black and coming at the Veep with a crazy look in his eyes.


I don’t think anyone could have anticipated the harmful effects of a facefull of quailshot.


Mmmmm- I can see the appeal of blowing shit away with one’s machine gun collection, but shooting an assload of birds in such circumstances sounds kind of boring. Melons have a much more soothing effect, in my experiance, plus you are superfluously killing stuff for minimal effect.


He has to shoot them. Quail testicles are too small to attach electrodes.


best headline on this topic (via

“Cheney’s Got A Gun”

gotta love that.


I love the photoshops of Cheney as Elmer Fudd I’ve been seeing.


What do you mean, “Sadly, No”? He hit the target, didn’t he? Awesome.

I have to admit, my first instinct was to laugh at this because, let’s face it, no one died, it’s funny.

Then I got to reading about it and the whole thing stinks to high heaven. And not even just the part about this “hunt” basically consisting of the hunting club releasing 500 previously caged birds to act as nothing more than living skeet. Of the 500 released, over 400 ended up getting killed. I wonder if it’s still fun after you kill your sixtieth bird of the day. Fucking wannabe tough guys.

What’s really interesting though is that it took like 40 hours for them to all get their stories straight and inform the media, and now the victim is clammed right up.

The whole story sounds like bullshit when you think about it, I go skeet shooting all the time and I have friends who hunt, and to “announce yourself” when approaching from behind (as opposed to approaching directly in their line of fire) would scare off all the quail. Furthermore, it’s unheard of to follow a target 180 degrees before taking the shot when you’re in a group and haven’t accounted for everyone. Also, why was he aiming low enough to hit a person? If it’s 30 yards, like they claim, then the shot should have gone over his head unless he was shooting a grounded quail, which again is very sportsmanlike and manly.

The cops probably didn’t even breathalyse old Dick, he was probably soused to the gills to make such a fatal, rookie hunting mistake. It all seems pretty suspect to me.


The White House denies that the victim was wearing a turban at the time of the incident.


The amazing thing is that there was any sort of cover-up attempt AT ALL. Deadly serious here. It’s like the White House has become so used to coverring up anything they do wrong that they’re coverring up things that are of no political value. Therefore, I wish to make a personal statement to Dick Cheney here:

Dick, just admit that you made a mistake and it was stupid. We won’t impeach you for it – we CAN’T impeach you for it – so just admit one OBVIOUS MISTAKE. Just one. Come on. You shot a man in the face and you can’t even own up to that. Irony has nowhere left to go. You’ve hit the wall. Just admit it was a mistake. Thank you.


Jiunoon, I wonder if this really was just something they covered up on instinct.
When you think about it, the media only got ahold of the story by the time the victim was in stable condition, what if he had died?
I’ll bet if that scenario had played out we might not even have ever heard about this at all…


“The person who is not doing the shooting at the point is just as responsible and, should be, as the person actually shooting.”

Well, that just about sums up their philosophy in a nutshell. No matter what, even if we SHOOT SOMEBODY IN THE HEAD, it’s not our fault.


Is anyone shocked?

Seriously, though, I want Lindsay Lohan to weigh in on this, and I’m not saying another word until she does…


They keep saying the victim is “very stable” — which differs from “stable” how? — which reminds me that in EMT-speak, “stable” means “dead.”


Blame Cheney? I’ve had it with you guys! We’re in a WAR. ON. TERROR. How do you know that man’s head didn’t attack Cheney’s gun on purpose?


An attempted suicide hunting….right here in Texas. {chills}


This quote felt like it needed a little something:

One after another an aide would hand the Vice President his latest armament, and Cheney would fire away, no doubt imagining al-Qaeda terrorists in his gun sights. And each time, as the bloodlust was quenched with each kill, Cheney was repeatedly aghast that what lay before him was not a terrorist but rather a sickly, bullet-ridden quail. Dick would then rush up to the bird, cradle it in his arms and weep – openly and unashamed – at the bitter spoils of war laid bare in his trembling arms.

Placing the quail gently back on the ground, Cheney would call for the next armament, determination settling into his brow, that he would personally strike down any terrorists who might be hiding in the brush with him. Not for glory. Not for justice or America. But for the frail little creature whose death would not be in vain.


Why was Cheney hunting Dan Quayle anyway?


Just saw Syriana yesterday.

This reminds me of that scene that opens with herds of ibex and zebra.

As soon as the scene was identified as a ranch in Texas I thought, “Oh no, some yahoo’s about to shoot them.”

Sure enough…


Can we start a contest for best headline for the Cheney incident?

I ante up with the one I put on my site today:
“Dick shoots off prematurely, stains hunting record.”


“Cheney shoots tame ducks, quail, lawyer.”

Maybe after this he’ll give up the canned hunts, then the headline could read “That Dick won’t hunt.”


Cognitive dissonance explains away everything, vague details at 11.


Cheney: So, Harry, what are you planning to do if that bastard Abramoff rats you out? Any plans?
Harry: Well, Mr. Vice Preznit, I was thinking of trying to cut a deal with the prosecution and testify against To…”
Harry: Aaaiieeerrrgghh!! Jesus Fuck, you fucking shot me in the face, you son-of-a-bitch!
Cheney: It was just a little reminder for you, Harry, if you will. A little reminder.
[Cheney stubs out lit, Cuban cigar in the raw, bleeding birdshot wound]
Harry: Yeeeaaaaggghh!
Cheney: Somebody get me a cognac, stat!
Secret Service guy: What about Mr. Whittington? Should we call for your ambulance and EMT people?
Cheney: Naah. Not yet. Let the motherfucker suffer for twenty or thirty minutes, first.


He’s a live wire, though, ain’t he?


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