Bring the Pain
Andrew Longman, the Renew America pundit who recently wrote about the apocalyptic perils of nuclear-armed Islamist gay cowboys, is back with a public safety feature on how to prepare for nuclear war (WARNING: this piece contains dangerously strong levels of wingnuttery, so read it at your own risk. Sadly, No! is not responsible for any brain hemorrhages you may incur):
Preparing for nuclear war, vol I
Andrew Longman
February 8, 2006While the subject is not very enjoyable, the times seem to require that we disseminate basic information about how to deal with nuclear detonations on American soil so that much loss of life may be averted if, in fact, the difficult happens.
Ridiculing this article is going to be the easy.
First, and this is perhaps the most important component, put out of your mind that it’s the end of the world. A nuclear detonation, or multiple, is not the end of the world. It will be, of course, bad and difficult. But it isn’t the apocalypse. If one acts like it’s the apocalypse one is going to be a detriment to one’s fellows. The physical facts of the situation will point out to you that it isn’t the end of the world and one has to go on living, protecting, providing, creating a nation, and propagating the human race until Our Lord does arrive and does bring about the end. But please keep in mind that the true Apocalypse is a supernatural event and isn’t caused by the very limited machinations of man.
So if a nuclear bomb goes off in your neighborhood, hold off on finding a fallout shelter until you’ve sufficiently pondered the uniquely supernatural character of the apocalypse.
Guys, I think we’ve found a perfect candidate to take Brownie’s place at FEMA.
Next, please understand that while the effects of a nuclear device may be very alien to you and thus generate fear of the unknown, the phenomenon is one of the most studied of the last fifty years and all its effects and the magnitude of them are very well understood and can be taught.
That’s comforting. It’s something to keep in mind when your skin is falling off.
Don’t treat this like some black magic. It isn’t. Fifty thousand people were at the World Trade Center on the morning of September 11th, but only 3,000 died because an orderly approach that was taken to understanding and dealing with the issues. A similar mindset towards nuclear attack can and should be taken.
Orderly??? Did he see the same footage of people leaping out of windows that I did???
First, if you are aware that a bomb will be going off in a certain city, don’t towards that city — even if you are 300 miles away from it.
That’s a pretty good tip. Most people don’t realize that driving into a nuclear death zone can be pretty hazardous.
While it’s unlikely that you would know in advance that, say, Toledo was going to be hit there is some possibility that an ICBM launched would be forecast by a local media. If you do know, don’t look. You would quite probably by blinded by the flash if looking at it. In military tests, cows were blinded up to 300 miles away.
What a super-awesome suggestion. Similarly, you should probably avoid bathing in piranha-infested toxic waste vats.
The first few questions to ask are, “Where is the blast, where am I in relation to it?” If you are not immediately effected, which most will not be, all questions will revolve around the drift of radioactive dust and the movements of great masses people.
And if you are immediately affected by it… well, you’ll be pretty damn dead. Moving on…
Your decisions should primarily reflect those two sets of facts. Location, wind speed and direction, and traffic are the pieces of news you would be essentially interested in following a blast.
Radioactive dust, called fallout, gets thrown up into the air. There are some bombing types which produce no fallout. But for the type of attack we might expect from Islamist terrorists, dust most likely will happen. If you have ever grabbed a handful of dry dirt and thrown it up in the air on a balmy summer’s day, you can picture what’s happening.
He just equated being hit by a nuclear bomb with a spending day at the beach. That’s pretty fuckin’ awesome, I gotta admit.
Some heavier dust settles immediately to the ground, some is buoyed by the air and drifts with the breeze. A nuclear explosion kicks up dust and makes it radioactive. Think of radioactive dust simply like a poison — you don’t want it on or near you.
Let’s recap what we’ve learned so far:
1.) Don’t drive your car into a nuclear blast.
2.) Don’t stare directly at a nuclear blast or you’ll turn into a blind cow.
3.) Avoid radioactive dust.
And let’s keep in mind that this column is only the first of a multi-part series. I can’t imagine how bad this is gonna be by the time we reach Part V, which will probably be about the potential risks of swallowing cyanide-laced golf tees.
Keep in mind that most of the population will not need to do anything except get ready to help the effected folks — like in the case of Hurricane Katrina.
Of course, the areas affected by Katrina weren’t unlivable radioactive fallout zones, but whatever, it’s not nice to nitpick…
Suppose that the wind were blowing east, downtown was hit, and you were fifty miles west of town. What should you do? Stay put.
Because it’s not like the wind ever changes course or anything.
The volume of people hitting the road would be the only danger you’d face. Besides the severe radiation associated with the immediate blast zone, fallout dust will only move with wind. If the wind is blowing from you toward the blast, it’s protecting you. Stay off the road and let the people in the downwind areas move. If you are near to the blast zone though, you’ll need to move. We’ll discuss what “near” and “far” are over the course of these articles.
My God, this has devolved into an old episode of Sesame Street:
“Neeeeeeeeeear!”
(bum-bum-bum-bum-bum)
“Faaaaaaaaar!”
If you have some time, think before you leap. You want to take the car which can drive the most miles if, in fact, you have a working vehicle. You want to take some water, some clothing, and any cash you’ve got on hand. A picnic basket full of food would not be a bad idea as well.
Remember to inhale some oxygen every once in a while too- it’s supposed to be good for your lungs.
Much will depend on bomb size. Nuclear weapons vary extensively in type and size. Most likely we would only be attacked by a smuggled, terrorist, device. If that is the case then the bomb will be quite small by nuclear weapon standards and it will really effect deeply only the city where it is detonated. The worst case scenario at the time of this writing appears to be several small nuclear weapons detonated simultaneously in several large cities. While this can and would kill many people, those effected by the blast or radiation would comprise only a few percent of the US population.
“And they’re mostly black, liberal or gay, so who cares about them?”
As such it’s incumbent on most people to prepare via understanding radiation drift and population movement, preparing for many “Katrina” like events around the country.
This article has begun to address issues for the majority of the population — people far from the blast deciding on wind direction whether to move. It’s a first step for the largest effected group. Obviously much more information is necessary. We will slowly unpack this information over time. If you would like to ask specific questions, please feel free to mail. It is a large subject and it is not possible to be exhaustive in this space. However, giving a healthy initial understanding may prove to be of inestimable worth in the event of the unexpected.
I wonder if that’s any relation to the difficult we’ve been hearing so much about?
Fifty thousand people were at the World Trade Center on the morning of September 11th, but only 3,000 died because an orderly approach that was taken to understanding and dealing with the issues.
Simple principle involved here: nearly everyone above the planes died, nearly everyone below the planes survived.
And I know spelling is the least of Longman’s problems with the English language, but you are affected by things, for God’s sake.
-The Rev. Schmitt.
One effect of this article was to affect my nerves.
Oh sweet Strunk and White! The word you’re looking for, Andy, is Affected. As in, “The Effects of the bomb were felt for miles; the fallout Affected my ability to write.” Nimrod.
I believe he meant effected, as in brought about; as in your CHUDS, your Hulks and your Slithuses.
Guys, you honestly can’t expect them to know the difference between effect and affect, can you? I mean, you have to at least have NATIONAL REVIEW-level talent to know that…
But wait! I only have a storage hamper! What shall I do? Can I stop at a picnic area anyway, or will I be told to ‘move along’?. Good God, man, there are people who need to know!
yee-haw! Nookyular combat, toe to toe with the Islamafascists? Bring on the radioactive dust (aka fallout.) (Where’s my cowboy hat?)
head between knees?
check.
I thought we were supposed to duck under our desks.
When does Longman get to the part about how to fight off a man armed with a banana?
Volume 1???!!!
You mean this is not just gonna be a one-shot deal? A-a-a-g-g-h…my brain! my brain!
You Done My Brain In
–Bonzo Dog Band
I was hoping he’d get to the bit where the fallout causes the dead to rise and hungrily seek out human flesh to eat. It’s been known to happen, you know.
Suppose that the wind were blowing east, downtown was hit, and you were fifty miles west of town.
Assume you’re on a train traveling east at 50 mph, and a nuclear bomb is detonated in a town 75 miles west of you. If the leading edge of the shock blast begins traveling at 1200 mph at the point of detonation and decreases with the cube root of the distance from detonation, how many seconds will pass until you see a blind cow?
You want to take the car which can drive the most miles if, in fact, you have a working vehicle.
Nononono. NO car with any sort of solid-state electronics (that’s what, 99.9% of the cars currently out there?) will be working after the Big One. Reason? Nuclear bombs create something called an EMP (electromagnetic pulse) that neatly kills all modern ‘lectronics. NOBODY, except maybe the guy with the Model T, will have a working car.
This is not exactly arcana, either; it’s pretty well known and understood by those namby-pamby latte-sipping liberal elites generally called “people with a clue what the fuck they’re talking about.”
Did I mention how much I liked his suggestion that only God can end the world? Current global nuclear stockpiles can sterilize the world many times over.
p.s. loved the Grover near/far lesson
Keep in mind that most of the population will not need to do anything except get ready to help the effected folks — like in the case of Hurricane Katrina.
Great! So the rest of us can pretty much just go about our business, pretending that everything is OK and tsk tsking at the occasional news stories about the millions of victims. Maybe toss a quarter in one of those relief-fund boxes at the convenience story when we’re buying butts and beer. I’m ready to do my part!
How will they obtain internet porn in the presence of EMP’s? Not like they were going to successfully breed in either case, but they have to keep themselves amused while they await their fate.
Maybe they should consider putting a copy of “Leg Show” in their picnic baskets.
Keep in mind that most of the population will not need to do anything except get ready to help the effected folks — like in the case of Hurricane Katrina.
And Jonah Goldberg will be geared up to play his key role: cracking wise about the nuke victims. Something along the lines of “Hot enough for ya?”
In military tests, cows were blinded up to 300 miles away.
This assertion is so deliciously ridiculous that I was unable to compose myself for several seconds after reading it. 300 miles? Think about it – if the flash is sufficiently bright as to be literally blinding for a distance of 300 miles, then surely it must be visible, if only barely, for several times that distance. That means that if the test described here was conducted in, say, Nevada, it was clearly visible in L.A. and Denver. I think a lot of us probably would have personally noticed any such test. And yet … not so much.
*blood drips from ear*
Nice try with the disclaimer, but my lawyers will be in touch regarding my brain hemorrhage.
–
Anyhoo, how about having that picnic on your own front lawn, since you won’t be going anywhere? And don’t worry about that food being contaminated, I’m sure it’s just fine! Drinking water? No problem – you’ll just be fighting several MILLION other peopel to get at the limited supply due to the ensuing panic buying.
Why do they let brain damaged people blog?
*Why do they let brain damaged people blog?*
…like me, apparently – it should be “people” (God, peopel-that’s classic ‘Marie ‘J’ohn’! D’oh!)
a-hey, Boo Boo! don’t-a forget tha’ Pick-a-nick basket!
Ron Mexico — Good idea! I will make sure to put copies of Leg Show in all available shelters, hideouts, rooms, and picnic baskets. (Why didn’t I think of that…?)
having been through quite a few myself (I wish they would just let me die…), I believe there is one piece of info this rocket scientist is woe-fully uninformed about- there is a significant difference in the resulting explosion from an airborne nuclear device and a ground-based detonation (which would be the most likely scenario if he’s talking terrorists…)
I hope that a later chapter will cover roaming the wasteland searching for gasoline
This kind of reminds me of third grade, you know, when we were protected by oceans. According to the bestest bravest smartest President we’ve ever had, that is.
I’m surprised he didn’t advise people to ‘duck and cover’.
But Jeffrey, suppose he’s got a pointed stick?
Difficult? Difficult is getting a diplomatic victory in Civilisation IV on Emperor. Nuclear explosions belong in the “indescribably fucking horrendous” category.
Difficult? Difficult is getting a diplomatic victory in Civilisation IV on Emperor. Nuclear explosions belong in the “indescribably fucking horrendous” category.
Ah, but notice that at one point he describes getting nuked as “bad and difficult”! Not just difficult, not just bad, but bad and difficult!! Jeeze, I’m not sure I can even wrap my brain around that: bad and difficult… bad and difficult… bad and difficult…
Just a small point: A good many piranha are vegetarian, some are even frugivores. A number eat only things like fish scales, and most stick with small fishes and insects.
So you’d actually be *safer* bathing in a piranha-infested vat of toxic waste (assuming it didn’t mutate them into those damned flying things from the sequel) than you would be reading a column by Mr Longman.
Seriously. A *picnic basket*? Should we put a disposable camera in there, too, so we can make an Armageddon Scrapbook later?
I am a lucky enough girl to actually own the classic civil defense film “Duck and Cover” – it’s the one featuring Bert the Turtle (“And Bert was quite alert!”)
In the film, the friendly voice-over person is kind enough to inform you that the reason why you curl into a fetal position and cover the back of the neck with your hands is because a nuclear explosion will burn you. It will burn you, in fact, “worse than a really bad sunburn”.
Once upon a time, that had been the stupidest thing I’d ever heard.
Damn.
can you toss a few copies of “Barely Legal” in with “Leg Show.” And maybe something for the breast fans… Oh, and something with Asian chicks.. (wasn’t there an old “Bloom Countyâ€? joke with Steve Dallas stocking his fallout shelter with porn?)
This guy’s advice is a good example of why LWers think RWers are stupid: apparently RWers need to be told not to drive towards a nuclear blast and not to look directly at it!!!
I know why this retard didn’t do it (he wouldn’t have gotten paid if he did), but he could save us all his idiocy by simply providing a link to a free online book written by someone who knows what he’s talking about.
Damn, I can’t keep all the Apocalypses straight. Aren’t all the “good people” going to get quick-vacced up by Superjesus before the bombs fall? If you’re still here after that, you don’t deserve a nice camping trip or a festive luncheon, you just need to shuffle along the bleak highways with your melting neighbors until the Horsemen collect you.
Who knew? Nuclear weapons actually glorify the Lord by proving to His children that only He may bring about the true apocolypse. Praise be unto Him, and press that red button!
So what does the fine Mr. Longman know about Toledo that I don’t know? This article is going to ruin the Toledo tourism industry!
And to rod on the 300 miles thing- you’re absolutely right, since the curvature of the Earth would certainly hide the nuclear blast from any distance that great- UNLESS the world were flat! If the world were flat, there’s a chance that a cow could be blinded 300 miles away. See, you’re just missing proper perspective.
So what does the fine Mr. Longman know about Toledo that I don’t know? This article is going to ruin the Toledo tourism industry!
That’s a joke, right? Have you ever been to Toledo?
Ahhh…Nuclear paranoia. That brings me back to simpler times.
Of course, the scenario he is trying to describe is more of the ICBM variety than anything in the dirty bomb capacity that the evildoers may or may not have — and no one, not even the craziest Bushie, thinks this kind of missle-based attack is remotely plausible in the forseeable future.
My guess is that he got an old copy of The Day After and it spooked him, so he glommed on his idea of survival tips based on how Steve Guttenberg managed to get to the farm house.
Warning: In the event of a nuclear holocaust, you may be called upon to find a replacement waterchip to save your vault.
They will then likely turn you back out into the wasteland. Prepare accordingly.
Should the above come to pass, remember: stay the HELL away from Utah.
Fifty thousand people were at the World Trade Center on the morning of September 11th, but only 3,000 died because an orderly approach that was taken to understanding and dealing with the issues.
I guess the employees of Cantor Fitzgerald were a disorderly mob, because they lost 100% of the staff actually in the building when the plane hit 1 WTC. Clearly, municipal bond traders just don’t know the meaning of DISCIPLINE!
Volume II – where you grab as many female survivors as you can (at gunpoint) and start your own post-nuculer(tm) survivalist cult.
I can see him masturbating to the fantasy of having all those Jr-High girls to himself…after he sexes up his female offspring.
…now I want to take a shower.
Like Jillian, I own a copy of “Duck and Cover.” Of course the DVD features many other civil defense films every one of which proves conclusively that “Duck and Cover” was total hogwash. Lordy, but I feel sorry for baby boomers who had to sit through those films. Though my personal favorite film showed how having a lot of books and magazines in your house would make your house burn down in a nuclear attack. I’m doomed.
“Mr. President, we cannot allow a mine-shaft gap!”
I taught a course on the history of nuclear weapons a while back. I can only imagine how well he would have done in it.
Timmeh – Nice Fallout reference. That game was awesome.
Open bible;
Go to the appropriate passage about nuclear survival;
Read.
All a republican needs to know.
BRAAAIIIINNNNS!!!
Ahem.
Just practicing.
Is it wrong to want to mutate into a zombie in the event of an apocalypse?
Random guy: Best RPG, Ever.
At the end, was your guy evil enough that he killed the vault leader that turned you back into the wasteland?
The second time I played it, my char blew the fucker’s lower half clean off, guess all that stealing and drugging and whoring affected my in game karma.
Is it wrong to want to mutate into a zombie in the event of an apocalypse?
Just find an office job, you’ll be zombified before the week’s up.
“We will slowly unpack this information over time.”
Information nuggets, if you will, dangling from glistening beads pulled from our behinds.
Nah, I have to disagree, while Fallout was great, Baldur’s Gate II is without equal in terms of RPGs.
And no, my guy’s karma was pretty high.
Were we playing the same game? Baldur’s gate 2 bored the everloving shit out of me.
Does it get better after the first like, 10 hours? I just went and uninstalled it.
PS: Play the second time around being evil, it’s much funner.
I thought it was great, and there are a lot of people who agree with me.
It’s littered with insane opponents that it’s completely optional to fight, including 4 dragons and a demilich. The characters all interact with one another as well as the protagonist (you), getting into fights, falling in love and sometimes even killing each other (the latter never happened to me fortunately). It’s full of powerful weapons, which you can then upgrade to make more powerful weapons, including a bow that shoots lightning bolts.
On top of that, you play the child of a god (Bhaal) and a mortal woman; your soul gets stolen by the main bad guy, Irenicus, about halfway through the game; you subsequently learn how to transform into ‘the Slayer’, a giant demon-spawn thing, at will; and your journey takes you from a sprawling town, to an underground Drow village, to an Elven treetop-town, and into the very depths of Hell (cue ominous laugh).
Furthermore, I found the (traditionally turn-based) combat of Fallout to be a drag compared to the real-time-turn-based combat system of BG, which is also a lot deeper.
Oh, and another thing…I’m surprised he didn’t remind everyone to wear sunblock. Let’s see, what SPF would that be, anyway?
1000+, I’m guessing.
The battle system in BG is what made me hate the series. Combining the turn-based mechanics with what was basically a real-time strategy game didn’t work at ALL for me. I eventually just uninstalled and returned the game in favor of Planescape: Torment. Granted, Torment’s combat is even worse, but you can just talk your way around it all.
Fifty thousand people were at the World Trade Center on the morning of September 11th, but only 3,000 died because an orderly approach that was taken to understanding and dealing with the issues. A similar mindset towards nuclear attack can and should be taken.
Color me confused, but wasn’t the reason “only 3,000 died” out of “50,000” because the attacks occurred during the morning rush hour and HARDLY ANYONE WAS THERE?!
While it’s unlikely that you would know in advance that, say, Toledo was going to be hit there is some possibility that an ICBM launched would be forecast by a local media. If you do know, don’t look. You would quite probably by blinded by the flash if looking at it. In military tests, cows were blinded up to 300 miles away.
Here’s the thing that gets me about “don’t look at the flash.” That advice only has more than a snowball’s chance in hell of working if you’ve been transported to the set of “The Day After” or “True Lies” and know in advance where the blast will be. Otherwise, you just have to hope you’re lucky enough to not be looking in the direction of the blast when it goes off.
The battle system in BG is what made me hate the series. Combining the turn-based mechanics with what was basically a real-time strategy game didn’t work at ALL for me. I eventually just uninstalled and returned the game in favor of Planescape: Torment. Granted, Torment’s combat is even worse, but you can just talk your way around it all.
Bah. WoW is the perfect video game crack for me.
The battle system in BG is what made me hate the series. Combining the turn-based mechanics with what was basically a real-time strategy game didn’t work at ALL for me. I eventually just uninstalled and returned the game in favor of Planescape: Torment. Granted, Torment’s combat is even worse, but you can just talk your way around it all.
I liked the system, but then again, if I had to choose, I’d choose the combat system/view of a game like Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. But to be fair to BGII, KotOR was made a lot later
Well, I live in Toledo so I guess I can just ignore Andrew’s advice, since he says I’m gonna die anyways…
Is “the Israel Art Student” engaging in Absurdist Commentary Theater?
Or am I just too dim to get it?
“If one acts like it’s the apocalypse one is going to be a detriment to one’s fellows”
Which brings the question that the author is perhaps competent to answer: how one should behave if this is not a nuclear attack, after all, but Apocalypse? Prostrate and pray? But that would not be particularly detrimental to one’s fellows. Perhaps something more original is recommended.
We Won’t Have Andrew Longman to Kick Around Anymore
Being banned by Renew America for being too crazy is sort of like building a working perpetual motion machine: in other words, it should be physically impossible. But it looks like our old friend Andrew Longman has defied the laws…
We Won’t Have Andrew Longman to Kick Around Anymore
Being banned by Renew America for being too crazy is sort of like building a working perpetual motion machine: in other words, it should be physically impossible. But it looks like our old friend Andrew Longman has defied the laws…