Swank Round-Up
It’s been a while since we checked in on our old friend Pastor Joseph Grant Swank. Lucky for us, he’s still writing several cracked-out columns every day, so there’s no shortage of material to choose from. Let’s start with this piece, titillatingly titled “BOB WOODRUFF: THE PRESS STROKES ITS OWN.”
BOB WOODRUFF: THE PRESS STROKES ITS OWN
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.It’s because Bob Woodruff is handsome and a popular regular on the news that he’s getting so much press. Also, the press fondles its own.
Just ask Bill O’Reilly.
That is so especially when the press is the liberal mainline press that doesn’t like New Iraq anyhow. That media doesn’t like US President George W. Bush and team either.
“In harm’s way.”
If I hear that phrase one more time I’ll scream. War IS “in harm’s way,” not just for the press but the armed forces. Duh!
Today armed forces personnel complained and rightly so that their friends are being wounded and slain every day, not to mention Iraqis the same. Yet they don’t get such news coverage as Woodruff.
I don’t get it. First you guys bitched that the media focused too much attention on all the bad news coming out of Iraq (i.e., 32,000+ dead people, blown-up infrastructure, incompetent postwar planning), while not giving enough ink to all the good news (i.e., a school was painted somewhere by some dude or something). Now you’re saying that the press should be reporting more on military and civilian casualties? What the hell?
OK, now let’s move on to our second Swank column, called “HAMAS: GIVE US $ AS WE SLAY YOU”:
HAMAS: GIVE US $ AS WE SLAY YOU
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.
“Blackmail.”
That’s what Hamas leaders call peace countries refusing to fork over funds to the killing cult, Islam. My, how terms are given totally different definitions in these days of confusion.
And if anyone here is an expert on confusion, it’s Pastor Swank.
Of course, Muslims are used to providing their own definitions to otherwise traditional terminology. For instance, on the Council on America-Islamic Relations (CAIR) web site “jihad” is defined as overcoming inner struggles in order to become a better person.
That’s called giving dramatic surgery to the well-known definition of “jihad” which is to slay every non-Muslim in the name of the Koran’s Allah. How magical of Muslims to redefine words in order to make their murdering spree appear a “peace religion.”
Indeed. I hear they’ve even created a pro-jihad children’s show featuring such magical charcters as Mary the Martyrin’ Fairy:
Mary sez: “72 virgins, cobagz! 72 VIRGINS!!
Now we have Osama Hamdan, Hamas’ exiled leader, redefining “blackmail” to mean that liberty countries are mean for not giving moneys to the slaying Allah-worshipers, the latter beginning by killing off every “Jew-pig” on the planet.
You could read that entire sentence backward, and its meaning wouldn’t change one bit.
Which is another way of saying, “Whutchu talkin’ ’bout, P-Swank?”
It does not appear as if Hamdan is ready for any dialogue. He is ready to take the wallets from non-Muslim publics but as for dialogue, forget it. Muslims don’t dialogue. They only monologue.
And they’re probably not the ones involving vaginas, either.
Therefore, once again an Islamic redefines a perfectly well-known term: “dialogue.” In his head he knows he’s lying. He will deal with non-Muslims listening politely to his Allah-blessed monologue but when non-Muslims take to dialoguing the converse will abruptly exit.
I sincerely hope that Pastor Swank’s grade-school English teacher never reads any of these columns. I mean, they’re literally written testaments to her complete and abject failure in life.
Ever since his meltdown at S.Z.’s place, he’s been getting worse.
I’m still jealous he didn’t come over to our place. I even wore my sexiest outfit for him (of course, that might very well have been part of the problem).
Nobody fondles me *sob, sob*.
His “melt down at SZ’s place” What? did I miss soemthing?
Woodrow- he popped over to SZ’s place one time and found her making fun of him. He left a bunch of angry comments, most of them saying “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” in all-capital letters. Later on, Swank’s son stopped by and told us to stop making fun of his dad. It was pretty funny.
Whoa, when was that? I totally missed that and I feel I need to see it.
Screaming seems awfully girly, Pastor Swank.
Swank’s son stopped by
There’s a Swank the 3rd? Trey-Swank? I wonder if the “Hank Williams” effect is in play, where Sr. and III are valuable bookends to the wretched volume of work in the middle. And yes, I’ll work on my metaphors.
Swank is just mad that he didn’t get to ‘stroke’ anyone…
Check the comments to this thread:
http://blogs.salon.com/0002874/2005/10/11.html#a1915
I really wish pastors would avoid making allusions to masturbation. I get creepy “Father Bad-Touch” vibes when they do that.
That whole “monologue/dialogue” bit was making my head hurt. I wonder how P-Swank got to be the way he is. No doubt it is some combination of these factors:
1. At least one and possibly several mental disorders
2. A rudimentary education
3. Childhood traumas
4. Incessant evangelical Christian brainwashing
5. Below-average intelligence and reasoning capability
6. Unpopularity with “the ladies”
“Strokes it own”? “Fondles it’s own”? I think our fine pastor had a Swanky good “monologue” in mind while writing this.
But my life is truly better with him in it – the sweet, sweet laughter…
Also, the press fondles its own.
What the Hell? Since when has the Swankster been aware of sexuality, let alone made crude metaphors about it?
As a member of the press I canconfirm that I do indeed fondle my own.
Hold on – as a member of the press, I can confirm that I haven’t been fondled in months. Do I get to pick which fellow journalist does it? Is Bill Hemmer free?
I wonder how P-Swank got to be the way he is.
I’m guessing untreated syphilis.
His “melt down at SZ’s place” What? did I miss soemthing?
Dude, you posted in that thread!
Yes, and some kooky pastor out there is redefining “charity” as “giving to the poor” when everybody knows it actually means “fleecing the flock.”
I’m not a Muslim, but in my World Religions class way back in college, I was taught that there were three Jihads, each of a different importance; the primary one was an inner struggle, the middling one was trying to convert others with reason and peaceful talk, and the least one was trying to convert others by force — not necessarily the sword.
However, 1,000 years of antagonism and misinformation leads us Westerners to be fairly ignorant of Islam, and hasn’t done a bang-up job educating some Muslims, either.
I had friends who once thought that you couldn’t trust Muslims because it wasn’t a sin for them to lie to nonbelievers; thus, all Muslims were lying to us Christians all the time, about everything.
Stupid, stupid!
1. At least one and possibly several mental disorders
2. A rudimentary education
3. Childhood traumas
4. Incessant evangelical Christian brainwashing
5. Below-average intelligence and reasoning capability
6. Unpopularity with “the ladies”
7. All of the above, also known as “being fucking nuts”.
Chan: I was taught that there were three Jihads
which is absolutely right. Jihad is a very complex theological issue and is often used and misused. You know, like Jesus’ words on giving unto Caesar what is Caesar’s…
I had friends who once thought that you couldn’t trust Muslims because it wasn’t a sin for them to lie to nonbelievers
which is funny, since this is something usually associated with Jews. In fact, it is one of the oldest anti-semitic myths.
It probably has been said many times already, but the Pastor does put the “wank” in “Swank”.
Woodrow- he popped over to SZ’s place one time and found her making fun of him. He left a bunch of angry comments, most of them saying “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” in all-capital letters. Later on, Swank’s son stopped by and told us to stop making fun of his dad. It was pretty funny. Brad, honesty compels me to say that, while I missed the Epiphany of the Swank when it originally occurred on W o’ C, I followed the link that you provided, and it doesn’t look like that’s what happened at all. Have another look if you think I’m nuts, but what the Swankster said was not that weird and he didn’t wish anyone a Merry Christmas (and he didn’t steal no bike, neither, since I can’t stop myself from quoting MST here, for some reason). He seemed pretty OK, and when his son got in on the act, I found him to be an interesting character. What he’s actually saying is that the situation is complicated and, to my mind, he implies that he is not that satisfied with P-Swank’s fathering job but that he understands he’s human. And the all-caps business, I believe, was possibly a joke. His first post had no caps, then someone criticized him for it, so he wrote his last post in all caps. He also sounded sad about his father and mother rejecting him at the wedding because he drank, even at the age of 28 when they should be accepting him for who he is after all this time. I love to jump on the Swank-pile as much as the next snarker, but not for no reason. There is already so much wrong with him that we don’t need to read additional craziness into his “real-life” postings. Sorry to get all down on you guys, but that’s the way it looked to me, at any rate. P.S! MERRY CHRIsTAMS!! 😉
Dear Lucy, I must humbly admit that you are a much better person than me. Thank you for reminding us that we are supposed to be the good guys.
How’d they find out about them fondlin’ me? Cut his mike! Cut his mike!
That Pastor Swank! In addition to his cutting-edge linguistic talents, he is evidently an expert of Comparative Theology too. Such a Renaissance Man!
It was quite a learing experience to read what he had to say about the inner thought processes and motivations of those Islamics. For a Christical person like him, such a command of the tenents of the “killing cult” of Islam is surprising. Wait, you don’t suppose… perhaps the “Pastor” should really be known as Mullah Swank. What better way to hide among us, plotting our downfall, than to pretend to be opposed to the very ethos you hold dear! Methinks thou dost protest too much, sir!
Shorter PSwank on Muslim conversion: First, the Islamic Killers Global insist that you politely listen to their side of the argument, and then, when it’s your turn to speak… THEY KILL YOU!!1!11!
Vlad: Ok, I thought maybe there was another one I had missed!
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