Last November, Sadly, No!’s corporate slave World O’Crap offered her Reviews of Books We Haven’t Read. In her honor, today we bring you: Review of a book nobody has (or will) read. That’s right: we’re going to review Adam “I’m angry because my parents won’t let me date” Yoshida’s How Steven Den Beste and I conquered the world and lived to tell the tale The Northern Abyss: Canada and the Struggle for the Future.

Are you ready?

Adam’s book is a 140-page, 21-chapter tour de force, an oeuvre that is sure to be compared to this century’s greatest classics of political philosophy, if by “political philosophy” you mean “views somewhat less coherent than Lyndon Larouche’s after hiring Rush Limbaugh’s former maid.”

Adam’s greatest accomplishment in this book is his ability to predict the future:

By the time you read this book it will probably have already been derided and denounced by every socialist, every communist, every gay ?right? activist, every environmentalist lunatic, and every other assorted leftist nut who has managed to find a copy in their grubby little hands.

Let us hope the grub coming off our hands doesn’t break the keyboard before we’re finished, because we’re just getting warmed up!

Adam is sad because the Canada he never knew has disappeared. How was that old Canada? Like heaven on earth:

The Canadians of that era might be described as Americans who liked the Queen (or King) more than was probably healthy. Nations have been built upon a lot less than that.

There was once a country built on a love of bamboo (Pandaland) and also that kingdom built upon a castle built upon a swamp. We all get the point we think. So what happened to Canada? They are ruled by people so dumb, they wouldn’t even be allowed to post to The Corner if they wanted to:

Canada is a nation led by people so utterly stupid that one must sit and marvel at the fact that most of our leaders manage to tie their shoes in the morning and eat lunch without choking to death.

It’s a tragedy if you ask us. But you didn’t — you want to know more about Adam. Why are our (yes, we’re Canadian too!) leaders to dumb? Because they love homosexuals. Adam, like all straight men who are confident about their sexuality, doesn’t:

More than that, by allowing gay marriage, we have essentially taken the final step in turning what is, in essence, a sexual fetish into a central part of our society and culture.

Amen sister brother!

Of course, we all know it to be true that heterosexuality is superior to homosexuality. If homosexuality is inborn than it is, to put it bluntly, a genetic defect in that, if left to their own devices, gays would cease to exist within a single generation.

Of course! Besides, rumors that Adam finds himself “left to his own device” night after night after night are… greatly accurate.

(8) I guess I might seem kinda bitter (8)
(8) You got me feeling down in the dumps (8)
(8) ’cause I?m stranded all alone in the gas station of love (8)
(8) And I have to use the self-service pumps (8)

Enough about these perverts — how do we solve these problems? To heal Canada you must consider these options three:

…to do nothing, to attempt to reform this country, or to launch a revolution of one sort or another.

We must launch a conservative revolution argues Adam. But what makes a conservative? It’s not as simple as you might think:

Conservatism means more than simple opposition to stupidity.

Why you ask? You disappoint us dear readers — have you forgotten about the gays? Adam hasn’t — and it’s not just because he can’t stop fantasizing about being Robin in Batman, no sir!

We would do ourselves no good by electing a government of sodomites who happen to be committed to tax cuts and energy deregulation.

(8) Everybody cut taxes and deregulate energy now! (8)
(8) Give me the music! (8)
(8) Give me the music! (8)

Where were we? Ah yes — the sodomites conservatives. Humanity’s last hope:

We
must build a great army of righteousness and meet our enemies upon the fields of battle one final time and throw all of our might into the salvation of our country.

To the barricades fellow citizens! To the barricades! (Please be sure to get your prescription renewed on the way however.)