I Hate Having Teeth

Man, does my jaw hurt.

No, not from doing that, you sick bastards! If you must know, I had a crown put in at the dentist today. My teeth are so shitty (I was basically born without any enamel) that I’ll need root canal within the next decade.

Long story short, my teeth piss me off. If I had, like, a gajillion dollars, I’d have them all pulled out and replaced with a set of adamantium fangs. I’d be like Wolverine, only vampric.

Right I’m scaring myself now. Time to go to class…

[Gavin adds: Ha, root canal! My teeth are a 17th-Century cemetery of this-way and that-way and dashed hopes and frost-heaved menhirs. This could be the worst-teeth blog in the history of the planet, and if you think I’m fooling, tickle me and I’ll grin you to stone like a basilisk. See this eyetooth? Me neither. Woohoo! Indeed. We win.

This is a gang, and I’m in it,
My man Brad’ll fuck you up in a minute,
With a right-left, right-left,
We’re toothless,
And then you say, “Goddamn, they ruthless.”]


Comments: 35


hey brad. your smile would make jack abramoff’s kid cry:


slow news day?


As I just said under a previous thread, teeth only get in the way.


I feel your pain today (2 fillings). Damn drills…


“See this eyetooth? Nope, me neither.”

this is so funny, yet so wrong. a perfectly balanced meal.


I feel your pain, brother. Or rather, I have felt it.

My own dental history is checkered, to say the least: I’ve had crowns, root canals, fillings, and an extraction (over which I now have a bridge). I’ve also had my wisdom teeth pulled (after which I had dry socket).

I now keep a toothbrush at work, and brush after lunch. Feels a bit odd to brush my teeth in the employee bathroom, but my teeth have done better lately.


Honestly, I only get away with it by having a retro-skinhead thing going on.

Switch the Docs for tasseled loafers, and I’m Yer Cousin Gomer.


As I sit here typing, my mouth is still feeling the effects of the novocain from getting three fillings this afternoon. Last Monday, it was two fillings, and eventually, some wisdom teeth need to come out. Maybe there’s something to this newfangled “brushing” thing I hear all the kids talking about these days.


Wuss. You could have linked to the google image search (safe search “off”). That was sweet.


Wow,and you guys aren’t even English. Are you?


Nope, we’re bad-tooth no-trust-fund muthafuckas with English skillz.

Except for Seb — they have socialized dentistry where he’s from.


*raises hand to be included in the increasingly large group of people with crappy teeth at this blog*


If that’s Canada you’re referring to Gavin, they’re about to get a side order of social conservativism along with the socialized denistry. That should put some teeth into their system!


Groan, doc, groan.


Would y’all mind if I sneak in a Sadly, No! right here where it all began?

Two other parties, the separatist Bloc Quebecois and the left-leaning New Democratic Party, appear set to win a substantial number of seats, making it unlikely that either the Conservatives or the Liberals would win a majority government.

That means Harper would need to look to other parties for support. As the Conservatives have no natural allies in Parliament, analysts believe a minority Harper government would be likely to last between a year and 18 months.

Or perhaps this:

In contrast to a tough U.S. Republican anti-abortion line, Harper says his government will not bring in restrictions, and he will use “whatever influence I have to keep that off the agenda.”

“I have no desire to see that issue debated in the near future,” Harper said this week. “Frankly, I don’t want the Parliament to have an abortion debate.”

Another issue where Canada stands apart from the United States is gay marriage, which is legal across the country, turning it into a destination for U.S. gays wanting to wed.

Harper says he would allow a free vote in Parliament on whether to restrict marriage to a union between a man and a woman. But many of his candidates favor gay marriage, making passage uncertain in the elected House of Commons.

If it did pass, it would likely not pass the Senate, which is dominated by Liberal appointees, and would certainly be challenged in the courts.

Harper would allow civil unions for gays, with all the rights and benefits that married couples have, leading one Canadian pundit to say Harper is to the left of former U.S. President Bill Clinton.

But that’s okay, doc sammich…you go right on thinking that “social conservative” in Canada means something even remotely similar to what it does in the United States. It’s cute, really.

There are precious few countries outside of Muslim theocracies where “social conservative” means anything like what it does in the U.S.


If that’s Canada you’re referring to Gavin, they’re about to get a side order of social conservativism along with the socialized denistry. That should put some teeth into their system!

I don’t know how long you’d have to be gone to forget that we never had socialised dentistry, BLT. It was left out of the Canada Health Act right fromt the start. I’m only aware of some socialising of dentistry expenses in Québec, and only for children.

Which is why I didn’t go to the dentist very often when I was a kid until my father’s employer finally got a dental plan, and why I got braces at the age of 24.

As for “social conservatism”, apparently it’s such an embarrassment to the Harpo-KKKons that all the wingnut social conservatives in the party had their mouths duct-taped during the campaign…which made it deadly dull, if you ask me.


This would have been funnier had it been posted at 2:30.


hey brad. your smile would make jack abramoff’s kid cry

Mother of God. She should be crying because her dad’s a crook, not because of anything Clooney said. Leave it to FOX News…

Wow,and you guys aren’t even English. Are you?

By descent, yes. I come from a long line of New England WASPs.


Mal de mer, it’s been a long time since I’ve lived in Canada. I stand corrected on the social dentistry issue. As far as social conservatism is concerned however, it’s not a matter of embarrassment that has appeared to silence social conservatives. Smart social conservatives (and, contrary to left-wing groupthink, there are plenty of them) understand that the system went awry via incrementalism, and so incrementalism must be used to bring back balance and common sense. Without the use of incrementalism, making the necessary social correction would create too much of a shock within the system and would throw everything into a state of disequalibrium.


Speaking of librium…


Holy shit, Gavin. Did you just paraphrase SALAMINIZER?

I so wanna have your manbabies.


Aaaargh. Bad teeth! I have them too! Multiple root canals, crowns, yanked molars (well, one, anyway) and it will only get worse.

I truly feel for you, Gavin and Brad.

Screw it … pass the saltwater taffy, please.

Oh, and on a blogwhoring note, Pt. II of the Cannon-Fodder Crew comic is here.


You’re going to hate me, but I’ve always had great teeth* – never had a cavity in my adult teeth. Though I have had 8 teeth pulled – for various ortho reasons and wisdom-tooth complications, so plenty of pain and blood there, yes sir!

If it makes you feel any better, my gums are starting to go!

*combo of great genetics and flouridated water.


…and thank the gods for it, because where I live, a place with socialized medicine, there is a huge shortage of dentists. Like a lottery drawing for 1,500 places from a pool of 10,000 names. The NHS doesn’t seem to do dental very well here in Britain…


Gavin/Brad – I hate to break up your whinge-o-fest but there soon could be good news for all the dentally challenged when they could soon be able to grow new teeth.


I could definiatly be down with teeth growing- I’ve got a couple of chipped ones that could eventually wear down too far.
5-10 years is plenty short as far as my prospects go.
I’ve only had two cavities filled,and braces. I was forced at one time to wear a palette spreader, which is possibly the most uncomfortable and unwieldy device man has invented outside of bolts through the nipples.
It’s my Bavarian and Irish genes that make me teeth so average!


Gavin/Brad – I hate to break up your whinge-o-fest but there soon could be good news for all the dentally challenged when they could soon be able to grow new teeth.

Oh. My. Golly.


Hey, you guys should come to Tennessee where I’m at, we have the lowest teeth per capita in the country, honest to god. You guys would be like celeberaties.

We call em “summer teeth”, some er there, and sum er missing.

What’s 2 miles long and has 3 teeth? The line for funnel cakes at the TN state fair.


“… they could soon be able to grow new teeth.”

Screw growing new teeth! Glenn Reynolds promised me nanoteeth for my birthday!


Hah. I have every one of you beat on this. Aside from many of the toothsome horrors related here (in spades), though I do still have all my eyeteeth, several of my molars actually shattered and broke apart in my mouth under non-stressful usage. They broke-off, bit-by-bit, until there were only jagged stumps left. And those were fun to get yanked. And just love the days of oral bleeding that can follow, where giant gibbets of congealed blood hang gelatinously from the former site of your tooth. And you daren’t disturb them in any way, or the bleeding starts all over! Ah, good times!


I’ve never heard so many dental horror stories. It must be a liberal thing. Maybe you liberals have been doing too much sugar-coating to try and sell your communist policies. : )


Guiness Guy – I have also had the non-pleasue of the palate extention. I still remember having to crank that thing twice a day, pulling my head apart at the seams. My teeth are not as screwed up as they once were, but I’m still no picture of dental beauty.


Y’all don’t know from suffering until you’ve been sentenced to the periodontist… He says after the third round of gum surgery I’ll probably be able to keep all but 2 of my teeth… I’m blaming genetics. Both of my parents had teeth like chalk.

On a less bloody note, how do you complement a woman at a monster truck rally or tractor pull? “Hey, nice tooth.”


Well, well, well, I’ve never come across so many toothless wonders since the day I arrived in Bakersfield. That’s the day my neighbor was kind enough to introduce me to his wife and cousin. Much to his chagrin, I only saw one person standing there following his introduction, and one toothless grin smiling back at me. It was his wife, and cousin.

Yeah, I know I’ve told that one before, but in this one-horse town, if it weren’t for jokes repeated ad nauseum, we wouldn’t have any jokes at all.

On a more serious note, I hope you all work hard to preserve your ideological “wisdom” teeth because you’re going to need them to sink into the logic of this BLT sandwich.


Haha i feal u i have 6 cavities had 8 but got thoes pulled


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