Doug looks like somebody spilled a big pitcher of fat-elvis all over him.

It is cognitively and nationally dissonant to propose on one hand the advancement of the homosexualization of your most identified national folk icon and simultaneously bluster with the impending force of a war to defend that same civilization.

I just had to read it a third time.

I seriously am going to frame that paragraph, so that when my son someday says to me, “Dad, how fucking stupid were people when I was a little boy?” I’ll hand him the frame and say, “Here. This fucking stupid.” Then his head will explode.

Maybe I’ll go ahead and not frame this paragraph after all.

there are thousands of great destinations in this great land aren’t there.

Oh. Where are they then? They must have been stolen by the commie Islamic sausage-jockeys! Quick, circle the wagons! Automatic weapons at the ready! Lock your womenfolk in the Churches!

A la Neil Stephenson’s “Snowcrash”, he should have tattoed on his forehead: “…dreams of having a political column nationally syndicated.”

These columns are why Osama bin Laden recommends books like Rogue Nation.

Come on — you guys made this one up, right? It reads like someone ran it through the thesaurus in Microsoft Word, choosing the longest word in every instance.

It might not be about Brokeback Mountain at all. It could be a rebuttal to Alex Cox’s 1984 cult film Repo Man, in which Miller states that “John Wayne was a fag”. I’m reasonably sure that it would take me at least 21 years to write something this incoherent.

Has anyone contacted Marie Jon’ for her opinion?

No, no, he’s absolutely right. I’m a fifty-something American male, straight all my life, and I went to see Brokeback Mountain last week. I left the theater with an overwhelming urge to become gay (perhaps because it turned out so well in the movie) and to convert to Islam. Mere EXPOSURE to the gay cowboy buttsex-with-great-music movie is enough to undermine ALL you have become, all you have learned in your life, and any and all personal philiosophy you might have developed. The danger is clearly iminent….

mikey

Has it occurred to these craven fools in Hollywood that there are precisely no, exactly zero, cultures who have survived their own homosexualization? Zip, zero, nada? (They don’t care. They want to fiddle while Rome burns.)

If I hear one more person claim Teh Gay killed Rome, I am seriously going to snap and go on some kind of destructive rampage.

Rome was CHRISTIAN WHEN IT FELL. CHRISTIAN CHRISTIAN CHRISTIAN CHRISTIAN. It was gayer BEFORE.

I agree that if we boycott Mexico and instead only buy Chinese goods we’ll teach those radical leftists a lesson! And arrogance is totally the best diplomatic policy! But speaking of gay cowboys, didn’t John Wayne love Acapulco? Now I’m torn.

I understand why an attempt at a straight reading is leaving you confused. You missed that he’s actually writing this in secret code. Did you ever see the secret message decoder where you have a grill with holes cut out that let certain words show through?

Let me show you an example. I’ll use this passage:

I am confident that the American people will rise up and reject the xenophobia without and the deconstruction within. The Revolutionary spirit stirs again and desires a renewed American Union, one which rejects immorality as the path of tyranny and has cognition of the linkage between the two.

Slip the grill in place and you get:

… the American people will rise up .. eject … within. … stirs again and desires … Union, … the linkage between the two.

It’s not perfect, I’m still working on getting the cutouts just right. However I think you’ll agree it’s quite suggestive of a call by Mr. Hagin for American’s to engage in more anal sex.

“I am confident that the American people will rise up and reject the xenophobia without…”

Wouldn’t xenophobia have to come from within? And what’s with these guys and commas? They know they exist and that they’re supposed to go somewhere in those sentence things, but they seem to have no idea just where to put them. They just scatter them willy-nilly.

WOW! I think Longman must be the most homophobic/closeted gay man I’ve ever come across in my lifetime.

And will someone please tell Doug Hagin that if he would learn the proper use of “which” vs. “that” the damn MS Word grammar checker wouldn’t keep suggesting so many commas.

Seriously, what the fuck is it with these people and their ridiculous grammar and punctuation??

Hey, mrgumby2u — are you the same commenter from Pop’s Bucket?

The internets are a small, small world.

Aack, mrgunby2u – the comment above was from “cranky”

the most substantial existential peril the nation has ever known.

Sounds like another crybaby bedwetter to me.

If our nation is really so fragile that a few guys living out in the mountains of Pakistan can really threaten its very existence, then how can it be as great as advertised?

And excuse me ‘cognitively, existential, deconstruction, eschatology’, aren’t these just buzzwords to make dumb people sound smart?

And just to rebut his whole premise, it was only after Rome imported and adopted Greek culture (including pederasty) that it became a world power. (Not to mention one Alexander the Great…)

Keep it quiet, Cranky. Can’t have the people here knowing I’m an unfaithful commenter.

Wouldn’t xenophobia have to come from within?

That’s a dangerously un-American thought you have there. If anyone’s xenophobic, it’s those brown people in the Outer Wastes.

Best I can decipher, he believes that our strength is based in America’s worship of false history and idolization of the fictionalized Hollywood version of cowboy manhood. Thus, if cowboys can be gay, our entire society is built on a lie; and the Islamists can just come walk in and sodomize us as the passive catamites we have become by abandoning the True Faith of John Wayne.

Wouldn’t “a new eschatology of freedom” be about the end of freedom?

1. Dubya has repeatedly stated that the Evil Islamofascists “hate our freedom”. I got the impression he was implying that Americans should continue to be at least as free as we are now. Of course, maybe he was preparing us for the argument that America will be safer when we give up the freedoms that piss off the terrorists.

2. People keep talking about John Wayne. During WWII, when many popular performers took at least a token part in the war in various parts of the military, Wayne and Reagan both decided to stay home and make war movies instead. Reminds me of today’s Yellow Elephants who have decided that they are too important to the propaganda effort to be risked in combat in Iraq.

Actually, I think Doug only wants people to boycott traveling to Mexico. He probably doesn’t know that there is anything to Mexico besides drunk sorority girls and filthy migrant workers.

Longman’s awkward word choice and strange punctuation makes me wonder if he’s a non-English speaker using a common electronic translator. Here’s that first paragraph run through Babelfish, from English to French to German and back:

It is national cognitively and dissonant, to propose at the national level on the one hand progress homosexualization of the your identified folk pictogram and to make at the same time a noise with the force of a war being near directly, to defend like same civilization.

Maybe these people are so xenophobic because they aren’t from the U.S. Based on their syntax, I wouldn’t actually swear they were from Earth.

Hey, cholo. If you boycott my country, how will tu madre survive without my e-spicy salsicha?

Chingada…you are fatter and uglier than Esmay, por Dios

That was me.

I thought the Islamofascists hated us for our rampant gayness. Couldn’t one argue that the best way to stick it to them is to make more movies about manly American icons sticking it to each other?

Mexico and “other” Central American nations? Did I miss it when Mexico moved to Central America?

Anyway, whatshisname has convinced me that “Islamism” must be fought with straight cowboys. I’m sure the connectin will be explained in his next column.

No, Tara, you don’t understand: Only goodly, white nations are in North America. Messicans, by virtue of being brown (mostly), must be lumped in with Central and South Americans.

You’re slipping. Here’s what you missed:

Personally, I do not care if I ever see another beach anyway. Give me hiking in the Rockies anytime! America is a great and wonderfully awesome land.

I also do not ever want to rim my tequila glass with cocaine off of a Tijuana hooker’s ass anymore. It’s all good, because I’ve got…Ann Coulter…and a case of Genny…Lite [bursts into sobs]

Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Bush didn’t come up with the guest worker program on his own.

Has it occurred to these craven fools in Hollywood that there are precisely no, exactly zero, cultures who have survived their own homosexualization? Zip, zero, nada?

OK. Name one. And Sodom and Gomorrah don’t count.

Also:

icons of Missionary zeal

And no comment?

Andrew- I had to leave some scraps for you guys 😉

Oh, man, that piece by Andrew Longman was hysterical, every bid as good as the ramblings of General Ripper in Dr. Strangelove (though that was deliberate lampooning, and this appears to be real). I especially liked the phrase “eschatology of freedom”. Since eschatology is the study of death and what happens afterwards, he is basically admitting to a desire to end freedom forever (ironically, the one true statement in the entire rant).

OK. Name one. And Sodom and Gomorrah don’t count.

Gee, the Bible seems to specify a differant reason for the destruction of those two. To wit:

“And look at the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters were proud, sated with food, complacent in their prosperity, and they gave no help to the poor and needy.” — Ezekiel 16:49 ,

GG: Sounds like the Bush twins!

No, celticgirl, you’ll know what the Bush twins sound like when hard-core conservative candidate Stephen Harper wins the election in Canada on Monday.

Believe me, after he’s in power for a couple of years, you liberals will have to threaten to flee to Mexico instead of good old Canada every time a conservative wins the presidency over here.

Has it occurred to these craven fools in Hollywood that there are precisely no, exactly zero, cultures who have survived their own homosexualization?

Belgium, Spain, Canada, the Netherlands?

For states where there is criminal statute against sodomy, if any remain,

I’m not sure whether the far right have noticed or not – God knows it’s irrelevent to their agenda – but there was a slightly important judicial ruling which kind of ended that sort of thing.

I am confident that the American people will rise up and reject the xenophobia without

I’d rather they ended the xenophobia within, first. Let those who are without sin…

All predictions are that Stephen Harper will form a minority government, which means that if he tries anything remotely socially conservative, his government will fall.

Canadians are voting AGAINST Paul Martin’s government, which has been plagued by scandal, not FOR the Conservatives. Don’t be stupid enough to read anything else into it.

Wow…

“Has it occurred to anyone, anyone at all, that it is immoral to assault masculinity? In a time of war?�

Everybody save that one for the next argument with the wife. 🙂

You can’t fight Islamism with gay cowboys

That could very well be the best wingnut maxim this year has so far had to offer.

Harper’s hardly “hardcore” (heh, aliteration)- though that’s been the tact Martin has been using to try to alienate voters to him.
In reality, he’s in the same ballpark as Lieberman or McCain, which is still fairly conservative for Canadians, but is hardly your reactionary neocon.
He’s more pro-choice than I am, and is still by US standards a big government guy. Most importantly, he’s sworn to keep Canadian troops out of Iraq, which may have sealed his party’s ability to get a minority government.
Once the Libs shake of their more corrupt elements, they will likely retake power within the next couple cycles.

Harper’s hardly “hardcore” (heh, aliteration)- though that’s been the tact Martin has been using to try to alienate voters to him.
In reality, he’s in the same ballpark as Lieberman or McCain, which is still fairly conservative for Canadians, but is hardly your reactionary neocon.

Bullpucky … you obviously don’t remember him from his days as the head of the National Citizens Coalition. The difference between Harper and American neo-cons is that in recent years Canadians have tended to be more liberal than their American cousins.

meant to write:

The difference between Harper and American neo-cons is that in recent years Canadians have tended to be more liberal than their American cousins, so they have to be more guarded in their language. Harper has muzzled his candidates, but many of them are Adam Yoshida nutty.

Speaking of Stephen Harper and gay cowboys, does anyone have a link to that photo taken of him at the last Calgary Stampede, in the leather vest and cowboy hat? He looked like an understudy for the cowboy character in the Village People.

If Paul Martin had been thinking clearly, he would have ensured that this particular photo ran in every major Canadian newspaper at least once per week. Nothing else would have been necessary…

I don’t doubt many of his candidates are nuts, but of Harper himself, nothing I’ve seen or read indicates he’s in American-standard crazy territory (Canadian standards may be differant, though).
As you’ve so noted, the Cons have to keep themselves muzzled if they want to get elected- and they’ve have to stay muzzled if they want to get re-elected.
The Liberals need to get their shit together- once they do, they should be able to recover nicely. This move hardly means Canadian voters are moving Right, it means that they are punishing the corrupt Liberals (just like back during the Republican sweeps of Congress a decade ago- the Dems were just as bad. Now, 10 years later, the Republicans have managed to be worse than the Dems got in 30 years).

Here’s The Harpie all gussied up for the Calgary Stampede: Yee haw!

That’s awesome- it’s the bolo tie that does it for me, heh heh.

Heh heh he.

I don’t get the “xenophobic.” Why are these people afraid of Xena?

Because she could kick their collective asses without breaking a sweat, then have hot, steamy lesbian sex with her sidekick?

I too, want to live and vacation solely in a land that raises so called semi-professional writers who use phrases like “wonderfully awesome.” The mind boggles. Why stop there? America is a land of plenty: nondescript, redundant 8th grade reading level adjectives for all! God bless the USA (and screw the rest of the world, as is so often implied!)!!!

Also, I really would like to know where the wingnuts get the idea that liberalism=Islam. Socially, if not also politically, the average Muslim has more in common with the average American conservative than liberal, in my opinion.

Lastly, today I learned that the root of American culture, in direct opposition to and thus contrary to Islamic culture, is based on having babies? WTF?

Now, I’m going to go assualt my institutions*, if you know what I mean and I think you do. *wink*

*I mean finish writing my soc paper, hopefully in enough time that I can sleep for a few hours before catching the bus. Yay new semester!

See, I disagree, Gay cowboys obviously can fight Islamim.

In the figurative sense, a commitmemt to civil rights for all groups seprates us from the worst Islamic groups, and makes us less likely to accept their rhetoric. On the other hand, if Islam and mainstream Christianity get too close, people might start to convert. Once theocracy is celebrated, wingnuts might switch over to the hard stuff, where they could really subjugate women, minorities, and heathens.

And literally, gay cowboys are buff, hardworking people who have spent their life working against adversity and prejudice, and who probably already know how to shoot a gun. They’d be perfect military candidates.

Sodomize the Marlboro Man to great music and call this heroism?
I’m almost positive they did this in the documentary “Stonewall.”

Am I the only straight guy out there who still owns an original Johnny West action figure? I don’t care about any of the ridiculous Village People comparisons, Johnny West was 100% heterosexual. Why do you think they came out with Jane West?

The short answer:
Yes… yes you are.

That’s the answer I was most afraid of.

Jane West is what we call a “beard”, Doc.

OK, Bill, I’m revealing my ignorance here, but is a “beard” some sort of cowgirl drag queen or something? What other secrets has the world been keeping from me as it concerns Johnny and Jane West action figures, or any of the other action figures in this quaint, cowboy collection?

You’ve NEVER heard the term “beard” before? A “beard” is a woman who dates/marries a gay man in order to give him the appearance of being straight-sometimes they do it knowingly and sometimes they don’t. The term for a man who does this for a lesbian is “merkin”(I may have spelled this incorrectly.) And I’m sure you realize I was joking about Jane West, but I’m not sure how you could confirm that Johnny West was 100% hetereosexual.

Oh, beard. as in beard? Yeah, I knew that, Bill. Actually, no, I did not. You must be shocked to learn that I, a man who seems so worldly-wise, could not have heard of that word. Yeah, so am I.
Of course I knew you were joking about Jane West. This whole thing has been my feeble attempt at humor, Bill. But I do own a Johnny West action figure, along with a couple other members of the set. I’m still searching for Jane.

Actually, I received my first Johnny West action figure for Christmas at the age of 8. My brothers and I all got the same thing. However, my mom, being the good mennonite mother that she was, tried to burn the accompanying guns
and pass it off as “guns not included.”

Our real Christmas came in the springtime, when we discovered the guns, wholly intact, in the burning barrel that was to become their nemesis. I guess if one is speaking figuratively, one could say that my mom tried to castrate Johnny West, but to no avail.

Bring the Pain

Andrew Longman, the Renew America pundit who wrote about the apocalyptic perils of nuclear-armed Islamist gay cowboys, is back with a public safety feature on how to prepare for nuclear war (WARNING: this piece contains dangerously strong levels of win…

We Won’t Have Andrew Longman to Kick Around Anymore

Being banned by Renew America for being too crazy is sort of like building a working perpetual motion machine: in other words, it should be physically impossible. But it looks like our old friend Andrew Longman has defied the laws…

We Won’t Have Andrew Longman to Kick Around Anymore

Being banned by Renew America for being too crazy is sort of like building a working perpetual motion machine: in other words, it should be physically impossible. But it looks like our old friend Andrew Longman has defied the laws…