Chuck B.’s In Love
It’s time to catch up with our favorite law-enforcement quitter and right-wing Baptist radio demagogue, Chuck Baldwin, and once again ask that musical question, what’s Upchuck? what’s up, Chuck?
“It’s about values, guys. Traditional American values. The values that…
Ok, fair enough. Chuck Baldwin was also the ’04 vice-presidential candidate for the Constitution Party — the party for folks who think George Bush is too liberal. They actually have some good positions, for instance on the Patriot Act, but that old stopped clock on the wall also says that it’s noon, and seven hours ago indeed it was, so let’s get going. No wait, let’s fix the picture first — let’s put Chuck in the Tokyo Gay and Lesbian Parade.
Once upon a time in America
Chuck Baldwin
January 17, 2006The America that our children are growing up in today in no way resembles the America our Founding Fathers bequeathed to their posterity. The America of our ancestors had no IRS, no ACLU, no NEA, and no BATFE.
And we know what happened then:
LBJ took the IRT
Down to 4th Street USA
When he got there
What did he see?
The youth of America on LSD
(© 1967 Rado, Ragni)
But yes, certainly, the Founding Fathers had no PSP, no DSL, no TCP/IP, no OS-X. What else? No GOP, FWIW (ROFLOL)!
Ha ha! Oh lordy. Yes, someone’s still overcoming the ’60s, when everthing went FUBAR. Aah! OMG, it’s a UFO!
“Woo-woo-woo. That POS should STFU! Beep, znoggle.”
But let’s not have too much fun here; we’re losing the narrative.
In our fathers’ America, children could pray aloud and read the Bible in school. Divorce rates were practically unknown as was child abuse.
By definition, yes, because children were chattel and women were, you know, not exactly full citizens. And of course, nowadays, if children try to pray aloud, the ACLU hears them and comes screaming down with subpoenas — what a terrible world we’ve wrought. It’s H-E-double-toothpicks, a real SNAFU.
In America of yesteryear, it didn’t cost billions of dollars to educate our children, and when they graduated from grammar school, they had a better education than most high school graduates (and even some college graduates) today. Then again, that was during a time when teachers enjoyed parents’ support in maintaining discipline in the classroom. Imagine that.
And that shows that the less money we spend on education, and the fewer years we allow our children to attend school, the better everything will be in the 21st Century. This is true inasmuch as children with a grammar-school education will grow up to reason like Chuck Baldwin.
While we’re playing word games, how about the one that goes, “Chuck, Chuck bo-buck, banana-fana-fo-[something], fee-fi-mo-muck — the brain drain…
In our once great America, virginity and chastity were popular virtues, and one could live to old age and never be exposed to the abominations of homosexuality and adultery.
And they had no STDs, and weren’t down with OPP.
There was a time in this great country when, except for a few certain morally corrupt large cities, the most egregious gamblers hung out in bingo parlors, and anyone who even whispered his or her support for state-sponsored gambling would be run out of town on a rail.
And while we’re touring Makingthings-Upville (pop. 450), there’s a poker game at Potter’s Feed and Grain this Saturday night — come on down if the wife lets you.
Once upon a time in this great land, it only took a father’s paycheck to comfortably support his family. This was primarily due to the fact that local, state, and federal taxes were not stealing nearly half of his income. Beyond that, when he bought a piece of property, no one could take it away-not even the government. After all, he was not then required to pay squatter’s rent (property taxes) in order to keep something he had already paid for.
Because also, they were giving land away for free. And…oh no. Brad, help! This is too much concentrated Stupid to deal with all at once…
There was also a time in the once noble America when physicians actually made personal visits to the homes of their patients. You see, doctors then truly went into their profession for the purpose of helping people and not to get rich.
Furthermore, at one time in our once wonderful country, Sunday was universally regarded as “The Lord’s Day,” and one would look long and hard to find even a dime store (remember those?) open.
Aaah! Correct for constant-dollars, subtract Jews, extrapolate frame of reference (Colonial hamlets — 1930s Jimmy-Stewart dime stores?!?)…aaah! Centuries spinning like a Dr. Who time-tunnel…
I even remember when Americans were free to order firearms from the Sears and Roebuck or J.C. Penny catalog.
In the 1780s? Aaaah!
Then again, I well recall that as a boy I could leave home on my bicycle (with instructions to be back at a certain time) and never entertain the first thought that I was in any danger.
In the 1960s. Wait.
I also remember going to the Saturday matinee unsupervised (it was unnecessary) and never hearing God’s name taken in vain or any other profane speech, for that matter. There was no rating system then, of course, because virtually every movie was suitable for the entire family.
Furthermore, some of us can even remember when farmers were free to plant whatever crops they chose and in whatever quantities they chose. And they did not have to “give the farm away” in order to purchase the needed equipment, either.
Oh God, it gets worse from here. Help, Brad! My Head A-Splode!
In our once great America, virginity and chastity were popular virtues, and one could live to old age and never be exposed to the abominations of homosexuality and adultery.
Because the founding fathers didn’t know anything about cradle-of-democracy ancient Greece. Bundling? Never heard of it. Syphilis was invented by the hippies, and maybe it wasn’t adultery if you owned the object of your wayward affections. But then it’s a bit hard to take too seriously an article in which the author conflates the Revolutionary era with his own childhood “when Americans were free to order firearms from the Sears and Roebuck or J.C. Penny catalog.”
Shorter: Change is bad.
Makingthings-Upville (pop. 450).
Is its population so small because it’s just one suburb of the much larger Truthiness-I-pulled-out-of-my-ass-burgh? (Mayor Assrocket.)
“Shorter: Change is bad.”
Right on! Bring back the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl! The Bonus Army and the McCarthyites! Wooo-hooo!
Uh, oh…I think someone needs a hug…
I think we do need to re-visit values championned in old movies; specifically, movies that proposed turning dreary old gas-bags like Chuck here into green crackers.
Furthermore, some of us can even remember when farmers were free to plant whatever crops they chose and in whatever quantities they chose. And they did not have to “give the farm away” in order to purchase the needed equipment, either.
That’s because they used cheap tools that were typical of more primative farming. Sure, the tools were cheap but they had far lower output than mechanized farm equipment.
But yeah, I agree that we should voluntarily lower our crop output just so things could be like they were in the old days (i.e., crappier).
and one could live to old age and never be exposed to the abominations of homosexuality and adultery.
One could live to old age locked in a small room with no contact with the outside world? If that’s what the man wants, he should get it!
But the best thing about those wonderful days was the absence of clueless blowhards, spouting whatever crap happened to be uppermost in their tiny little minds.
Change is bad. I fear dimes.
Hey, I’m all for farmers being free to plant whatever seeds they want.
Cash crops like cannabis sativa and papaver somniferum would be great boosts to the US ag outputs. Good enough for Washington and Jefferson back in the day and still saving family farmers in the Merkin-paradise-saved of Afghanistan.
Heck, I remember when the average American life span was only forty-two, so we didn’t need any of that new-fangled “Social Security” or whatever they’re calling it. When we got old, we just plumb died – that is, unless the town doctor’s home blend of alcohol, morphine, and ancient Indian herbs suspended in snake oil managed to cure us.
And when it came to farming, we did it like real men – with oxen and elbow grease! “Tractors” are for homosexuals.
And as far as education goes? Everything that a body needed to know could be found in the Bible. We didn’t clutter up our head with newfangled notions about “evolution” or “quantum mechanics” or “gravity” or “geometry” or whatever all those East Coast Liberals are into nowadays. If it was good enough for my father Jebediah, and my grandfather Jebediah, and my great-grandfather Jebediah, and my great-great grandfather Jebediah, it’s good enough for me!
I even remember when Americans were free to order firearms from the Sears and Roebuck or J.C. Penny catalog.
Isn’t that how Lee Harvey Oswald got his Mannlicher?
Ah, those were the days…
…and we used to have nothing but rocks and tree bark for meals. We didn’t have to worry about root canals or gold fillings, because our breakfast staple of quartz gravel wore our teeth down to brown stumps. And we liked it that way!
I remember when a young boy could participate in the lynching of a negro who looked at a white woman, and get his picture in the paper, instead of a reprimand or a felony conviction. And you never had to worry about whether you were supposed to call them “Negroes” or “blacks” or “African-Americans” — “boy” or “Uncle” was good enough, and we didn’t have any NAACP to tell us different.
Ah, good times….
In our once great America, virginity and chastity were popular virtues, and one could live to old age and never be exposed to the abominations of homosexuality and adultery.
Yes, unless you are a founding father and had a pretty slave, its not adultery if you own the woman. Right Tom Jefferson?
We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ’em stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to ride the ferry cost a nickel, but in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. ‘Gimme 5 bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now, where were we? Oh, yes.The important thing was, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.
Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble, more pictures of Japanese lesbians, please. I need them for, um, a class project.
Man, the Wingnut Past was BORING.
Good thing the real past wasn’t like that.
Major Woody wins the thread.
Also, I’d like to add that you DO have to credit the guy with combining the generally divergent tones of (1) anger and (2) wistfulness.
Furthermore, some of us can even remember when farmers were free to plant whatever crops they chose and in whatever quantities they chose.
Which Then helped turn a wide swath of the Midwest into a dust bowl. Good times!
This just in, ladies and gents: Michael Moore is fat, and has political opinions.
Wow, he didn’t mention how great it was that coloreds had to sit in their own separate sections?
Ah, how I enjoy being called an abomination by a fat, ugly fucktard like Chucky here. Makes my fucking day. If he and I were the last living humans on the planet, I’d take my vow of celibacy right on the spot… and he’d be begging for some within days. *:uckupth:* Gah. Just puked in my mouth a little.
You know, back in the day, you could order a HOUSE through the Sears and Roebuck or J.C. Penny catalog…then use the pages of said catolog to wipe your ass when you went to the outhouse!
Fucking moron…
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t’ mill, fourteen hours a day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi’ his belt.
SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:
Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o’clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of ‘ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!
THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:
Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to ‘ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o’clock at night and lick road clean wit’ tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit’ bread knife.
FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o’clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:
And you try and tell the young people of today that ….. they won’t believe you.
ALL:
They won’t!
Ay-yep. In th’ good ol’ days you could just take a poor little feller like Chuck an’ set him down on that bench in front o’ th’ dry goods store, give him a balloon to play with, call him the village idiot, an’ wait for him to die of pellagra.
Someone PLEASE buy this man a copy of Otto Bettmann, “The Good Old Days–They Were Terrible!”
Remember when we were just multi-cellular globs of potentiality, swimming about in the primal goo?
Those were the days….
Can we invent a time machine just to get rid of the coot? Oh, and let’s send him into the future, just for kicks.
Ah, the Backin-Myday game. A particular favorite of those who didn’t actually live then.
‘Course, if you asked my 91-year-old grandfather about life back in “the day,” he’d tell you about working at the plant and then going home to feed the cows, bale the hay, and hopefully have time to acknowledge the kids before going to bed and starting all over again at 4 the next morning. I guess Detko’s crazy, though, ’cause families could all live on one income and farmers were raking in millions with every crop that tickled their fancies.
This is too much concentrated Stupid to deal with all at once…
Poetry, sheer poetry.
I miss consumption, polio and that better chance dying in childbirth (makes reproduction just that much more exciting).
I love “nostalgia about times that didn’t actually exist” games. I mean, who doesn’t fondly remember the europeans giving native americans smallpox ridden blankets to help exterminate them. Hell…oops..heck, It wasn’t even called bioterrorism! And remember those days when you could beat and kill your slaves without penalty….ummmm. Oh, and child abuse didn’t exist because is was acceptable to treat “children worse than dogs”(as native americans commented about europeans).
And it was sure great not to have antibiotics, sewage systems, anesthetics, vaccines…now THOSE were the days. Oh, and didn’t need no stinkin OSHA making work environments safe. I’m mean, who doesn’t love black lung? Let’s not forget, you could massacre a native american group, burn down their village and hold up a bible screaming “Manifest Destiny” and you would be called a HERO! Good times. Good times.
Yeah, the ACLU sure pushes for a ban on all prayer in school and haven’t defended dozens of kids’ rights to pray quietly.
-The Rev. Schmitt.
Holy crap! Does this guy do all his research by watching ‘Father Knows Best’ reruns? That article was almost 100% fact-free. An astounding achievement of wishful (in a WASPy sort of way) thinking.
Let’s face it, sin is no modern invention. Even King David committed adultery. And God, who can see into the future, didn’t let that stop Him from appointing David to lead a great people through a significant period in redemptive history. Of course David didn’t do it in the oval (or should I say oral?) office. And he didn’t lie about it under oath. Oh, I forgot, murder was his encore. Now what was the point I was trying to make again? Somebody help me!
Oh, I forgot, murder was his encore.
God specifically said adultery was his only problem with David’s conduct, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the number of murders, slavery, dramatic and hilarious selfishness, grisly trophies, etc. he commited. Bush is scott free old son.
-The Rev. Schmitt.
Who am I to argue with the good Reverend?
Good post, but you need to make one correction: Makingthings-Upville only has a population of 1. More than that, and they just fight all the time.
On a side note, isn’t it weird when one man’s utopia sucks so much to almost everyone else? And what is scarier: that he’s just inventing this crap on his own, or that he actually has source material prepared by somebody else?
Moderated comments are for pussies.
Yes indeed, domestic abuse didn’t exist until those damn self-indulgent baby boomers invented it.
The fact that a woman would be economically destitute and socially shunned if she divorced an abusive husband up until about 30 years ago is irrelevant, because abuse did not actually exist. Weren’t women lucky back then?
Chucky’s Cheesy Column
Hold on to your seats, folks, ’cause Chuck Baldwin’s penned yet another masterpiece: [Gavin adds: Wait, let’s fix that picture first. This time let’s put Chuck in the Bogotá Gay Parade: Whatever happened to masculinity? Chuck Baldwin January 27, 2006…
Chucky’s Cheesy Column
Hold on to your seats, folks, ’cause Chuck Baldwin’s penned yet another masterpiece: [Gavin adds: Wait, let’s fix that picture first. This time let’s put Chuck in the Bogotá Gay Parade: Whatever happened to masculinity? Chuck Baldwin January 27, 2006…
Chucky’s Cheesy Column
Hold on to your seats, folks, ’cause Chuck Baldwin’s penned yet another masterpiece: [Gavin adds: Wait, let’s fix that picture again. This time let’s put Chuck in the Bogotá Gay Parade:] Whatever happened to masculinity? Chuck Baldwin January 27, 2006…