Don’t Tell Her Neverland Had Granite Countertops
Posted on June 26th, 2009 by D. Aristophanes
Shorter Michelle Malkin:
- Imagine Michael Jackson’s death as a kind of cake — which one might ‘have’ by declaring his musical genius to be more personally meaningful than the lurid details of his life, but which one could simultaneously ‘eat’ by mentioning molestation, plastic surgery and ‘Hollyweird’ in the same breath.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
The commenters disappoint me- there’s a Hitler mention by comment eleven, but no CLENIS. They’re slipping, maybe the dashed Draft Sanford 2012 hopes have them in a funk.
As 4B’s said, some of the comments are rather touching:
Leave it to AllahPundit to put things in perspective.
I’d imagine MJ would be a role model for Ms. Munchkin.
He bleached himself white. He built himself a closet that would make Liberace squeal with envy. He set an example for self-haters everywhere.
R.I.P. and Godspeed, Tony Danza. You’re with the angels now.
This is honestly one of the best ever “shorter”s. My hat is off to you, D. Aristophanes.
Being dead is only glorious if you’re a Republican.
Uh…I don’t really know who Allahpundit is, except by reputation (bad) and the fact that he posts at HotAir (worse), so I’m appalled to admit that I had pretty much exactly that reaction in the first minute of hearing about the death. Except mine wasn’t a fantasy of a ghoulish recount of what is discovered at autopsy, but rather the thought that we are all about to find out exactly how weird Michael Jackson was, as all the former employees, etc. who were sworn to secrecy start selling their stories.
I have a feeling that none of us have yet really grasped exactly how weird he was. I guess we’ll see.
My god…my god…I AM…THE SHITHOUSE TROLL!
Apollywollogies for forgetting to name-shift back into character.
Musical jeenyiz, nothin’.
Sky Saxon died today. Now there was music, genius, madness, & most of it age-appropriate
I’m with ST above, and I’ll reluctantly admit that there’s not really anything in Malkin’s post that I find very offensive (outside of the fact that she’s offensive generally). She pretty much mirrors my own thoughts.
The man was weird. In fact, he was the weirdest person of my lifetime so far. His was pretty much the only celebrity gossip I ever paid any attention to, simply because it was invariably so fucking bizarre.
I’m so happy I thought I was agreeing with “Shithouse Troll”, because agreeing with Jennifer would’ve have been too easy.
It’s always nice to have an opinion confirmed free of prejudice.
Breaking news: due to overwhelming financial and legal obligations, Michael Jackson will be contractually required to complete his upcoming concert dates in spite of his death earlier today.
Jennifer, I share your pain, though that is a particularly regrettable nom de snark.
Everybody’s weird deep down (or not so deep, depending). Jacko’s money and isolation allowed his weirdness to come into full flower. Unfortunately, the flower was surgically altered and smelled like Jesus Juice and Macaulay Culkin.
Attempts at humor aside, his life was tragic. Some people are destroyed by fame and wealth. Good thing I’m safely insulated from both.
Hmm. I don’t remember closing that italics tag there. Whatever. Pretend I only italicized the “was” there, and you’ll have the proper emphasis. As if you cared.
SomeNYGuy said,
Your post reminded me of Hotblack Desiato, the guitarist for Disaster Area in “Hitchhiker’s Guide” who remained dead for a year for tax purposes.
NdP – Malkin’s post isn’t particularly offensive … I just think it’s a funny example of her trying to be above for the sordid fray of the tabloid press while at the same time name-checking all the weird facts of his odd, odd life.
I think that, like many of us, she dug MJ’s music while at the same time found him a sick and troubled person. She can’t say that, though, because wingnuts cannot ever come to peace with the complex, conflicting feelings one often experiences in life. She claims airily that she will only remember Jackson in his innocent child incarnation, but can’t even go a sentence without talking about molestation charges, etc.
I think that, like many of us, she dug MJ’s Berry Gordy and Quincy Jones’ music
Fixed.
Strike tag on previews, but not on posts?
Ha ha! Not fixed at all!
Alternate shorter:
I choose to remember that sick childfucker Jackson for the sweet songs.
Will you have been enjoying the show?
scythia, I had the same problem when I first started on woopra. You have to do open-triangle-bracket strike close-triangle-bracket open-triangle-bracket /strike close-triangle-bracket. Spell out strike, don’t just use s /s.
There is currently a rumor floating around the internet that, due to his many cosmetic surgeries, doctors may be able to reconstruct the original Michael Jackson from discarded parts.
I know because I started it.
I got his first nose up on Ebay right now.
Not to mention Jackson’s childhood had no innocence to it at all– task-master father, endless work hours, constant practice, brutality… Interesting rewrite of history there to include a swipe at “Hollyweird” for having ruined him, maybe arund age 18 or so. Also.
Another child-abuser heard from. (I will not pimp myself. Link is to CNN.)
The Virgin Sarah is devastated that the “iconic” photo of her & Prop Jesus has been “maliciously desecrated.” By degenerates.
Too bad Death was so busy among the elites today. This would’ve been pretty damn funny had it been noticed.
Is it too early for Sadly No to view Debbie Schlussel’s website to see if she has a pure, uncut wingnutty take on Jacko’s demise?
I know it’s too early for me.
I got his first nose up on Ebay right now.
Up what? Or should I say, whom?
I’ve had her place open for quite sometime, & no action.
No. I stand corrected. I think her site is so stupid it doesn’t refresh.
Quick read: She’s not convinced he was a molester, he will be remembered as a “music phenom.”
The Virgin Sarah is devastated that the “iconic” photo of her & Prop Jesus has been “maliciously desecrated.” By degenerates.
Seeing how often Palin uses her kids as shields, I’d swear her political role model is Greg Stillson.
Debbie also types Jackson “may have converted to Islam, surrounded himself with Louis Farrakhan acolytes, and acquired three kids he insisted were his (but who were entirely White)”
We see Debbie has moved into the world of those who capitalize “white.” Oddly, most of those who do that wouldn’t consider her part of the “White” community, no matter how much hydrogen peroxide she dumped on her head.
Granite countertops are for “librul yuppies.” Neverland had pink marble countertops. And that was just the kitchen!
Debbie has moved into the world of those who capitalize “white.”
What’s the problem? I thought everybody knew that capitalizing “white” denoting the Master Race is the accepted standard.
thee fact is
the autopsy on Michael Jackson will be “interesting”, to say the least.
You sick, insensitive fuck. Autopsies are not supposed to be ‘interesting’. Sexually arousing, perhaps, but that’s another kettle of red herrings.
Gary Ruppert Number Two said,
thee fact is
Is that you, Mr P. Orrige?
Imagine Michael Jackson’s death as a kind of cake
You can’t fuck your cake and eat it, as my friend Rudy used to say, before he progressed to proving that the saying was wrong.
We see Debbie has moved into the world of those who capitalize “white.”
Oddly enough, the American Psychological Association, one of the most idiotically PC organizations in the world, insists on the capitalization of “White” in manuscripts submitted to its journals. I’ve never known why or how they came up with this rule, but it’s always a bit jarring when a paper entitled, say, “Surviving monoculturalism and racism: A personal and professional journey” talks about the number of “White” and “Black” kids in a particular school.
(I must confess that I haven’t checked on the APA’s rules in a few years, but I’m going to pull a Goldberg and avoid double-checking; the APA gives me palpitations.)
Will you have been enjoying the show?
Now that you foremention it, yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyno.
Like AllahPundit says over at HotAir, the autopsy on Michael Jackson will be “interesting”, to say the least.
At least they’ll find a brain, an organ missing from Allahpundit.
This is honestly one of the best ever “shorter”s.
I agree, The Modesto Kid. It’s quite wonderful.
Johnny Coelacanth said, Attempts at humor aside, his life was tragic. Some people are destroyed by fame and wealth.
Yes. I don’t feel any need to go “Ewww, he was weird!” The mere fact he survived as long as he did is amazing. He was robbed of his childhood and spent the rest of his life trying to get it back. If that isn’t sad and tragic, nothing is. Rest in peace.