Grill Skillz in tha’ HIZZZZZ-OUSE!!!!!!

Have you guys ever seen Grill Skill? It’s a video that Wendy’s used in the ’80s to train their employees how to cook hamburgers through rapping. I’ve transcribed some of the lyrics:

Now meat’s got a grain to it just like wood
You gotta follow the arrow to lay it down like you should
From the front to the back you gotta lay it down
Place it evenly, not scattered around!

Next, you gotta salt the meat
From the back to the front to make the taste complete
Not too little, not too much
With a little finesse, you’ll get the touch!

When they start to sizzle you’re ready to go
Gently turn the meat, but don’t be slow
Just turn them over ee-zill-ee,
We don’t want a broken patty, that’s a guarantee!

Top to bottom, left to right
And you’ll get a patty that’s outta sight!

As if this weren’t bad enough, the video also features a trio of terrifying meat patty fly girls who sing during the chorus. I swear to God, these things will forever haunt my nightmares:


At any rate, this video has moved up to the number four slot in my all-time favorite films, behind the Turkish Star Wars, R Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet and Mr. T’s Be Somebody or Be Somebody’s Fool. You can now watch a two-and-a-half minute clip of it here.


Comments: 29


No thanks, Brad R., I lived the down-market non-rap version of that- Arby’s. And Norbiz rips on Arby’s all the time. *sigh*. I hope that guy has to eat at Long John Silver’s for the rest of his life. The Left is so goddamned insensitive.


I’m so glad tECHNIDA and seanbaby and I – um, I mean, Ms. Merengue – were the inspiration for this post.

You’re drunk, aren’t you?


No, but the creators of this training video surely took too many hallcenogenic drugs in the ’60s.

I myself worked in fast food a long, long time ago. WE had training videos that were supposed to make you “safe” around the deep fryers. In reality, they were a way for the franchise to establish deniability in case of lawsuits. I merely thought it was incredibly stupid. “Who would be stupid enough to place their bare limbs into a deep fryer?”

One man was.

We had a new hire who dropped something into the fryer and then proceeded to STICK HIS FRIGGING ARM into the damn thing, instantly cooking his flesh and turning him into a screaming dervish, flinging hot grease around while thrashing and hollering. The smell was… I won’t tell you, it was that bad. I suspect that repeated, heavy cannabis use blunted (ha! I made a funny) his perceptions.

This might account for his forgetfulness regarding previously mentioned “safety” video, ignoring the big sign that said DO NOT HANDLE DEEP FRYER WITHOUT HEAT-RESISTANT GLOVES. And ignored the gloves in his haste to grab burrito, of course.

Later, he tried to sue. He promptly lost when the company lawyers whipped out the list of people who watched the training video, affadavits from some of the workers and video that shows him turning himself into deep-fried long pig.

Moral to the story: “safety training” has some use, no matter how disturbing it is. I only ask that they assume we can read and write at a 9th grade level when they make the fucking things.


Better than The Turkish Wizard of Oz? More disturbing than the Star Wars Holiday Special?
Holy shit, that must be freakin’ awe provoking!


“Who would be stupid enough to place their bare limbs into a deep fryer?”

One man was.

Sweet Jesus- have you called the Darwin Awards people? ‘Cause that dumbass is deserving of mention.


I was sworn to secrecy by the lawyers.

Besides, having to live with skin from your ass grafted onto your forearm and parts of your hand is punishment enough.

I promise to utterly refrain from making any sort of grabass jokes at all.


Lawyers aren’t any fun…


Eh, I prefer the Parappa The Rapper II version — “Bring on the ketchup! Don’t forget the cheese…”


So that’s how the East Coast vs. West Coast Rap War got started!

Mmmm… cholesterotic….


Oh. My. Gaea.

This is why, with the exception of St. Ronnie (except as depicted in Bad Dudes), I love the ’80s. Thank you, Brad!

And (sadly?) this is still better than a lot of the (c)Rap from poseurs like 50 Cent.

And for those that don’t know about Be Somebody or Be Somebodys’s Fool!, here’s Treat Your Mother Right.
Ph33r Mr. T’s shorts, fool!


I recently received spam with the subject line “To Dance of Mastadon Autism” from one “Torquemada Q. Wayne.” It’s like some weird kind of randomized dictionary poetry. It gets through your spam filter all right, but . . . Is there someone in Russia (or Florida) who thinks this is a genius marketing plan?


ok. so i clicked over to ifilm to watch the mr. t thing (for old time’s sake) and the ad that played before the video? it was for Wendy’s, with techno music and dancing burgers. swear to god.



One summer on the Cape, I worked with a kid who went to culinary school but was dumb as a rock (some were, some weren’t). He worked this impossibly huge set of fryers with another one of his chums (we non culinary schoolers worked the dessert and salad station while doing whippets all summer) and one day, on a dare, he dipped both arms into one of the fryers — I think he had first put his arms in buckets of ice water, then put some kind of shit on them to prove, I dunno, that he could do it or something — well, he did it and then tried to act cool about it.

After about two beats, he started screaming and running around with both arms in the air while his friend tried to throw flour on his arms (not for flavor, mind you, but to first soak up the grease).

The head chef, a Southerner, came around the corner and started asking questions. “He slipped!” the Burning Man’s chum said.

The chef didn’t buy it: “Both arms? You gotta be shitting me.”

Soon, the kid was ushered out into an ambulance and his friend was fired. I took another drag on the Nitrous cannister we had for the whipped cream we didn’t make and made another brownie sundae.


Wow. Peter Bland hisself.

So I’ve got a question: like me, you were at one time poor enough to have to work at a fast food establishment. Surely you must have known, at that socioeconomic level, all the attendant horrors.

My question is this: why the hell would you say liberals are more idiotic than conservatives?

Clearly your life experiences were different from mine, but still…


I swear to God, these things will forever haunt my nightmares

Let me try to add variety to your nightmares :


Because I am irritated when my taxes go up to pay for lazy shitheads who refuse to work…even if I did (not anymore) work at a fast food place in an economically depressed area. For three months.

Here is the critical difference between our life experiences: I did not see my working in a fast food place for three months as the fault of my government, but as a fault with myself for being unable to offer a potential employee something more than flipping burgers.

I corrected the situation on my own, rather than rely on some government hack to do it for me.


And magnanimous to boot!

Seriously, how long do you need to listen to Rush Limbaugh to not only believe that welfare state baloney, but begin spouting it to others?

I worked my way through college (no grants or scholarships), repaid my student loans, and have been quite successful in my field. And yet I’ve managed to maintain my humanistic, progressive outlook on life. Go figure.


That’s pretty fly, but not in the same league as the guy who came up with the impromptu .


«Because I am irritated when my taxes go up to pay for lazy shitheads who refuse to work…» Well, somebody has to pay for all the revenue loss due to tax cuts for millionaires. Duh!


Advantage: sickduck


How funny!!! That, Peter, is sooo clever.

In fact, my cost of living (balanced against my wages) has gone up tremendously, in small part because the *current government* wants to pay people with your opinions to share those opinions on TV and the Internet.

Kinda ironic, dontcha think?


Here we go with this stupidity again.

Are you suggesting that I am paid by the Bush administration? If so, they must have sent the check to the wrong address. Still waiting on it.

For the record, I have not made minimum wage for over ten years. Less than 2% of the people in the US make minimum wage, unless you tie (the concept of the minimum wage the government mandates for unskilled labor) and a “working” wage (what it takes to live comfotably in the American Dream, not just surviving).

And no, the equally moronic idea that I am happy with corporate “welfare”. If it is subsidizing their business, such as the airlines, fuckem. They sink or they swim, and that is the basis of our economic model. If I hate funding someone’s indigence, what makes you think that I am happy about funding corporations who are no longer viable? I must be supportive of corporate welfare because I am conservative?

Can’t you see that is an idiotic thing to say?

I DO support tax breaks for research because it ALWAYS leads to interesting new discoveries.

I DO support tax breaks for corporations that donate to different charities.

I DO support tax breaks for corporate donations to pension plans, health care and other benefits packages.

If you classify those things as “welfare”, of course. I don’t. I describe “welfare” as “giving money to people who do not deserve it, did nothing for it, and are being paid to sit on their fucking lazy asses. Paid by me.

I want to see us move more towards the Japanese model for welfare “benefits”: if you are able bodied and do not work, you don’t get shit. If you have a legitimate reason for being unable to work, such as being deaf or handicapped, then you get a stipend from the government.

Why should we invite people to come here illegally to pick our lettuce and grapes when we have millions of people who do absolutely nothing for their “benefits”.

Notice how welfare is only a bad word when it applies to corporations?


And no, I do not listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Thanks for prejudging me, though!

Yassah masser!

Could it be that the welfare state we have established is destructive rather than helpful? I try to be a nice guy too, but stealing my paycheck for the benefit of a lazy fuckass does not strike me as fair.

Nothing stopping anyone from donating time and money to non-profits. All I ask is that you stop advocating taking money away from productive people and giving it to shitheels.

Too much to ask, I suppose.



Who is the “shitheel”? The person who went into bankruptcy because they had a car accident and racked up tens of thousands in medical bills? It’s easy to stereotype welfare folks as “shitheels”, but take away the safety net, and a lot of well-meaning, hard working folks will suffer as well.

And who is “productive”? 100 low-paid hot dog vendors, or Paris Hilton? Why does Paris get a huge-ass tax cut on her money (i.e. investments) while the hot dog vendor doesn’t get a tax cut on his/her income?

If you wanted to spare the ‘productive’ folks, you’d cut taxes on low and mid range income, not investment.



I want to see that so bad it hurts my belly. That and the Turksih Space Potato/ET. I read about those in The Wave in SF a few years ago. Those movies sounded awesome. If you know where I can get them, it would be much appreciated if you divulged that information


It appears I have stumbled onto a beat Peter party. Carry on, he seems like a cobag.

Although, should anyone find a copy or know where I can download it, please stop by my site and leave a comment about the Turkish versions of movies.


Learn how to read, Peter. I never said you were paid by the Bush administration.

Which of course just makes you that much more pathetic…


Those burgers were fucking *greasy*. It looked like a fucking egg when they were flipping it.
What happened to the kittens brad?


Hilarious, yes? Better than “Trapped in the Closet”?

Sadly, no.

Easily as entertaining, though, is Kells’ bizarre meta-commentary on the DVD.


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