This Moral Armor Has Quite a Few Chinks in it…

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stuffed copies of Dianetics, Atlas Shrugged and the Bible into a juicer, and then poured the resulting mixture on your crotch and then set your crotch on fire?

OK, so you probably haven’t, and that’s because you’re a semi-normal human being who doesn’t like having liquified books seered into your groin. But alas, not all of us are that rational. For instance, take Ronald E. Springer, a self-styled “philsopher” who has mixed the tenets of Evangelical Christianity, Objectivism and Scientology and brewed them into a simmering wingnut stew called “Moral Armor.” The end product reads something like a Chicken Soup for the Demonically Possessed.

moralarmor.jpg
Above: Ronald E. Springer. Yes, that’s really what he looks like.

To learn more about Springer and his wonderful “philosophy,” let’s read this manifesto that he posted on his homepage:

Most of us are committed to doing what’s right. We vow to uphold proper morals– wherever we’ve learned them–as a dedication to goodness; to being the best person we can be. Most of us picture the ideal world as living in harmony with the flow of nature itself; you’d tap into its grace and be at one with the universe, and I agree.

I honestly can’t figure out why anyone would long to be “at one with the universe.” The universe consists of floating rocks and gas balls that are sprinkled in between light years’ worth of cold, empty space. I’m personally much happier here on Earth, where I can at least get a steak-tip sub and an order of fries.

Imagine if you could achieve perfect moral clarity, rid yourself of fear, guilt and moral
hesitation, pass down traits of the greatest advantage, take total control and live a life
filled with invigoration and inner calm.

The downside is, you’ll end up looking like this:

Tokyo-126x180.jpg

My name is Ronald E. Springer. As a child, I experienced firsthand, the nightmare of dishonest people abusing others through a dishonest moral code. I endured, grew strong and broke free, but continued to run into problems in life, caused by mass moral confusion in society. With a philosophy background, I set out to change things. Someone has to stand up and fight for us.

As a result, I’ve developed an organic moral code that will show you exactly how to move through life with complete moral certainty. It will show you how to secure better relationships, safeguard your family, reform our country’s moral drift, and send evil packing.

But unfortunately, it can’t stop you from looking like a wanker:

Art_Linkletter2-240x176.jpg

Who Wants to Reverse America’s Moral Decline?

I hope you’re concerned about it, because it deeply effects you. The war in Iraq, the terrorist attacks, even our bad economy is directly related to morality.

It’s true- did you know that aggregate demand shrinks by one half of one percent every time CBS shows a nipple on live TV?

It’s hard to feel spiritual when our culture is spiraling deeper into the mindless and the obscene:

-All Kids Need Sound Direction in Life, and We Should Start by Purifying the Media.

How one “purifies” the media without running roughshod over the First Amendment is anybody’s guess.

-We Need to Kick Pornography and Homosexuality Out of the Mainstream.

Can anybody explain to me why “Fags are Gross” is the central tenet of, like, every crackpot belief system?

-We Must Curb Politicians Regarding Wars, Rights Violations and Handouts.

That’s a pretty noble goal. And while we’re at it, we should also pass laws to stop bad things from ever happening anywhere.

-We Must Stop Our Jobs from Being Replaced with Slave Labor Overseas

I agree. Slave labor should only be practiced here at home.

Not since The Inquisition have we faced a moral crisis of such epic proportions, and little do we realize that these issues share the same solution.

You mean we should torture heretics?

Most adults consider our moral decline to be the single-most important issue in America today, but they feel helpless: few have any idea what to do about it. With 34,000 Christian sects, all separated by disagreements, it’s no wonder. What on Earth should we follow?

Introducing Nature’s Solution: An Organic Moral Code.

I always love these morons who think we can solve all the world’s problems by “returning to nature.” I’ve got news for you, guys. Nature isn’t just fluffy rabbits frolicking in sunflower fields. Nature is also full of slime molds, flesh-eating bacteria and parasitic bugs that lay eggs in your skin. In fact, there’s a damn good reason why we decided to leave nature in the first place: because it’s fucking disgusting. As George Carlin once said about health geeks who only eat “all-natural” foods: “Dog shit is all natural. It’s just not very good food.”

I remember feeling ridiculous or intimidated, but with nature behind me, that’s all changed.

“Indeed, now I only feel ridiculous.”

When I explain my views, others are often struck into silence and begin to listen.

Actually, they’re just nodding politely while carefully backing away.

Whether you’re Christian, agnostic or atheist, you’ll find Moral Armor a fascinating boost to your ethical awareness.

“And even if you don’t, the book is printed on super-soft pages that can double as toilet paper. Either way, it’s win-win.”

You will:

-Learn to Use Morality as the Life-Shaping Tool It was Meant to Be.

-Come to Stand on the Firmest Moral Ground.

-Discover For Certain Your Own Moral Worth, and as a Result, Immediately Enjoy Twice the Esteem Without Even Changing Anything!

In other words, you’ll still be a complete loser, but at least your moral tool will be firmer than everyone else’s.

After ten years of research…

I.e., drugs.

…I deciphered what many philosophers down through the centuries have called a mystery: I found our pattern of cognition. I synthesized the pattern and then developed a moral/philosophical structure from it, which can be seen, tested and verified, in one sitting.

“I discovered this new level of consciousness by injecting Pixies Sticks powder into my eye sockets…”

What’s amazing is that our pattern of thought matches exactly, the pattern necessary to sustain biological life.

One would hope so. I can’t speak for the rest of you, but I’d really hate to wake up one day and discover that my brain was secretly trying to do me in.

Offering naturally-irrefutable evidence, Moral Armor is a massive threat to evil. This is the juiciest part of the project, because with this pattern, you can practically see right through people. Their attack is now a silver-lined honor, and they will lose to my secret weapon…

I don’t have a PhD or anything, but when your philosophical treatise starts to sound like a fourth-rate Dungeons & Dragons manual, it’s time to hang up the spikes.

OK, let’s skip to the part where he partially endorses Objectivism:

The general hostility towards society that many students of Objectivism suffer has been washed away in a torrent of new clarity. Moral Armor has freed us of it, and no objective premises have been lost. Galt held the key; there was a way out!

Moral Armor will reveal:

-Why Objectivism is a Correct Moral Philosophy, but Not a Complete Moral
Philosophy.

-How to Quickly Wipe Out the Isolation and Contempt Most Objectivists Feel
Against Those Outside.

-How to Regain Your Sense of Youth and Boundless Freedom.

This thing has gone from sounding like a D&D manual to sounding like a Viagra ad. I’m having a tough time deciding which is worse.

Now here’s the part where he praises scientology:

L. Ron Hubbard was on to something with his four-step view of human existence, but there was one catch: the steps he defined were not based on philosophical essentials.

L. Ron Hubbard also thought humanity was brought to the Earth 75 million years ago by an intergalactic space tyrant named Xenu. How this contributes anything useful to the discussion of morality is beyond me.

OK, that’s just about all I can take of “Moral Armor” right now. If you scroll further down the page, you’ll learn that you can also use “Moral Armor” to reverse the aging process and spice up your sex life. Seriously. You can try reading the rest for if you feel like giving yourself a gianormous headache.

(Oh, and “thanks” to reader Jeff for the tip. I think.)

 

Comments: 59

 
 
 

Hey, now, don’t sully D&D with this loony’s ravings – unlike him, we know what we’re doing is make-believe.

 
 

Robbie- I take it you don’t LARP then? ‘Cause those folks… well, let’s just say they’re really, REALLY into it…

 
 

Ok, all us old-school gamers look down on the LARPers, but then I found out that Claudia Christian is into it, and well, anything that a hot babe does is automatically cool, so…

 
 

Brad,

I don’t have the time to get into it right now (I’m late for a maidens n’ mead feast), but does it say how you can get Elf blood out of your cloak?

 
 

anything that a hot babe does is automatically cool, so…

Spoken like a true gamer.

 
 

He’s more like a Vampire player, really- those sods are crazy bastards, ‘specially the LARPers.

I wouldn’t touch that shit with a ten-foot pole, and I play D&D… and Star Wars (d20 and the odd bit of d6)… and Decipher’s Lord of the Rings… and sometimes d20 Modern… stop looking at me! At least I’m not a LARPer!!!

 
 

oh, holy jesus.

Someone who thinks the Objectivists aren’t batshit insane ENOUGH for him.

And from the look of that book cover he’s been working with the finest crap-heavy-metal band graphic artists money (?) can buy.

Fortunately, because he spouts off about religion the Randroids won’t touch him, and the fundies are going to call him a “cultist”. Which means he’s going to be limited to his own lil’ fruitloop fantasy world, which from my viewpoint is hardly a bad thing.

 
 

Have any of you guys ever read Seanbaby’s article on the ten dorkiest hobbies of all time? He rates them by social embarrassment and damage to your sex life. LARPing is #1. Hold on, I’ll find the link..

 
 

Here I am, standing in front of a bridge at a shrine/temple/garden, holding a sheathed sword. Here I am, using sticks as eating utensils. Here I am, mugging for the camera with the quasi-famous. And dig the hot Fox (who totally has a thing for me).

Clearly, I am an expert.

 
 

Funny- though I would like to point out, I am not, nor will I ever be, a costumer. I draw the line at playing RPGs and watching/reading the media in question.

 
 

He rates them by social embarrassment and damage to your sex life. LARPing is #1.

You know, I’ve been hearing this forever, but the only virgin gamers I know are under 15, and I certainly hope my niece and nephew wait till they grow up a little more…

On the topic of the post, though, all Moral Armor needs is ETs and I think he can give ol’ L. Ron a run for his money – somebody needs to give this guy another epiphany!

 
 

Ummm…. What’s a LARP?

By the way, did you check the four-star reviews on the Amazon page? Beware “reviewers” who write alike and have only one published review.

 
anne_actual_philosopher
 

With a philosophy background, I set out to change things…I’ve developed an organic moral code that will show you exactly how to move through life with complete moral certainty.

Oh yeah. Cos that’s what we really learn from philosophy, after all–that everything is certain and that there is no need to ask any questions about anything.
Yup. In BIZARRO WORLD, maybe.

 
 

Robbie- it’s a good point. I think it should also incorporate the Hollow Earth “theory” as well.

 
 

In that second photo, he looks like Himmel.

 
 

What’s a LARP?

Live Action Role Playing. It’s like D&D except people really dress up like elves and run around the woods whacking each other with foam swords.

 
 

*struck into silence* by the idiocy of it all

 
 

It’s like your average military history reenactment on acid… :shudder:

As for the Gamer virgins… I know a few in their early 20s, but it’s not due to any social ineptness, because there isn’t much of that, as far as I can tell.
The gaming crowd I run with is very much “beer and pretzels” though, so I can’t speak for the uber-nerd crowd.

 
 

OK, first thing – how much does it cost? ‘Cause you know he ain’t doing this for free or out of the goodness of his little philosophical heart..

Second – just how tight are those jeans, anyway? Man, can that dude even breathe?

What a total prat.

 
 

ok, i’ve recovered and am now struck by the cover picture of his book. Is he wearing some sort of pouch that is the same color of his jeans? Or is that a photo of our own well-endowed Seb with Ronnie’s head photoshopped atop the body?

 
 

I’m surprised it took this long to get to the “what’s up with the photoshopped bulge in his jeans” comment.

Then again, were we not supposed to draw attention to it?

 
 

Man, I’m going to hate myself for this, but …

Live Action Role Playing. It’s like D&D except people really dress up like elves and run around the woods whacking each other with foam swords.

This isn’t totally true. I have LARPed once in my life, but it wasn’t anything like that. To start with, ours was at a hotel, and there were definitely no elves. There was also no hitting each other with foam swords. Basically, we had a bunch of plot to unravel, and we had characters to roleplay in said plot.

An even less outwardly-nerdy-looking LARP my husband played in was Cthulu based. So everyone’s costumes were normal looking clothing and everything. Most of the aggressively nerdy stuff happened in the conference room they had rented or people’s hotel rooms.

So while LARPing is STILL probably the nerdiest thing you can possibly do, it’s not always that obviously nerdy.

 
 

I’m surprised it took this long to get to the “what’s up with the photoshopped bulge in his jeans” comment.

Cobag.

 
 

“Offering naturally-irrefutable evidence”

I love how he worked “nature” into everything – even his evidence!!

 
 

I love how he worked “nature” into everything – even his evidence!!

Naturally.

 
 

Pere, I’m sure there’s plenty of garbage and rationalization strewn among the subscribers of any philosophy, but this sounds sane and reality-based to me. From wikipedia’s definition of Objectivism:

“One cannot change reality by simply wishing it were different. Man must deal with reality by understanding it, accounting for its constraints, and interacting with it in accordance with one’s power to effectuate material changes consistent with one’s desires.”

Contrast this with the “Iraq is safer and freer now because I say so” Bush Administration.

 
 

Wow. He’s like a younger, nerdier, even bigger con man version of G. Gordon Liddy.

And, hey, slime molds, or myxomycetes, are fascinating little critters. They’re also way more attractive than Ronald there.

 
 

And, hey, slime molds, or myxomycetes, are fascinating little critters. They’re also way more attractive than Ronald there.

Yeah, I know. PZ Myers is gonna kick my ass. Even so, I don’t like slimy things and insects.

 
 

Laugh if you will, but anyone who can reanimate Art Linkletter just by touching him must be on to something.

 
 

Wow. He’s like a younger, nerdier, even bigger con man version of G. Gordon Liddy.

At least G. Gordon is entertaining, and has a sense of humor about his shameless self-promotion.

 
 

He rates them by social embarrassment and damage to your sex life. LARPing is #1

Bullshit. The guy I know who owns the largest amount of gaming paraphenalia also gets more ass than anyone else I have ever met in my life.

Live Action Role Playing. It’s like D&D except people really dress up like elves and run around the woods whacking each other with foam swords.

Not true. Only crappy LARPs are like that.

….yeah, I’m a nerd. I’m not ashamed.

Though I do wonder what that ‘pattern’ is that’s necessary for all biological life. Plaid, perhaps?

And, dude, someone forgot to close a tag again.

 
 

Oh my.
Moral Armor’s Fighting Sexual Predation: For Men!
A one of a kind manual for men about facing the trauma of an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy. When she breaks your agreement NOT to have children, your financial life is suddenly in her hands. Learn how to take control back!

Comes jam-packed with such intelligent discourse such as:

There are ways to stay in complete control, and stay out of jail and legal trouble, but you’ll be walking a fine line. I know, I’ve done it. I’ll tell you how.

I am a philosopher. Having defined an entirely natural moral code for mankind, I’ll introduce you to it though a problem crucially important to you, and it will change your life.

It feels good to take revenge against her and against the system in this way. I want to see the laws amended so that men can “opt-out” at birth. Then, our culture can send this particular kind of parasite packing.

…It feels disgraceful. But I’ll remove this burden. Protecting people from these kinds of dilemma is what Moral Armor is all about. Out of cowardice or stupidity, others may still not agree with you, but the Armor I’ll give you will certainly shut them up!

And don’t worry ladies, he’s not a male chauvinist pig because:

I wasn’t using her, the relationship was important to me. Instead of letting it blossom, she went for the sure thing and trapped me.

Even though “She got herself implants with the money”!!ones!

I wonder if these secret Armor techniques include “power-throwing” paper clips at the hussy? Somebody tell NewsMax!

 
 

Holy crap, tECHIDNA, that’s worse than I ever imagined. “Natural Moral Code” is sounding like “be a complete dick, just quit feeling guilty about it!” So easy and natural, even nonchordates follow this philosophy! Civilization? It’s hard work, and it’s NOT natural!

 
 

OK, I’m an “old school” gamer (older than most of you whippersnappers, I bet!) and a LARPer, so stick that in your stereotype and smoke it. I’ve even helped write and run LARPs. And last year, despite my natural detached-ironic tendency to sneer at the black-lipstick set, I started playing a Vampire LARP. Fortunately, instead of the angsty Gother-than thou 20-somethings I dreaded, the group turned out to be a bunch of pretty cool, mature gamers who don’t take themselves or the Vampire LARP overly seriously.

Just sayin’.

 
 

Instead of letting it blossom, she went for the sure thing and trapped me.

i have just three short words of advice that will go far to save oneself from such a situation, and unlike “words of wisdom” from this bozo, they’re all yours for free.

use a condom.

 
 

I never would have pegged you for a LARPer, Dan, ‘specially a pastyface bloodsucker LARPer.

Learn something new every day, I suppose… :snicker snicker:

 
 

Can anybody explain to me why “Fags are Gross” is the central tenet of, like, every crackpot belief system?

Self-loathing

 
 

I’m waiting for the video game…

Moral Armor: KOMBAT!!

 
 

He reminds me a bit of the Mordred character in “Excalibur”. He just has that inbred freakshow air about him.

I wonder if his “Moral Armor” is gold-plated.

 
 

I think fear and self-loathing explain 95% of wingnutty behavior. They’re as complex as junior-high-school bullies.

This guy is clearly rationalizing away that part of himself that tells him he’s an asshole, and trying to make a buck at the same time.

Self delusion and greed. God I love this country!

 
 

Moral armor involves packing your trousers?

 
 

Wow. What a douche.

Assholes really DO travel in packs, it would seem.

 
 

seered? it’s time for you to get an internet diploma!

 
 

He rates them by social embarrassment and damage to your sex life. LARPing is #1

Bullshit. The guy I know who owns the largest amount of gaming paraphenalia also gets more ass than anyone else I have ever met in my life.

: dude, we’re awarding points for quality as well as quantity…

 
 

pass down traits of the greatest advantage

Whoa, whoa, whoa! That sounds suspiciously like an argument for evolution there, cowboy! How long have you had the hots for Darwin?

Your job is to just shut the hell up and have the proper Biblically approved married sex in the approved position, and God will take care of exactly which traits (and birth defects!) He wants to pass on.

Now say 44 Hail Mary’s and come back to confession next week, you eeeevul librul.

 
 

Nature isn’t just fluffy rabbits frolicking in sunflower fields

I just mowed down my sunflower field and shot my bunnies. Do I feel better already?

Sadly, No!â„¢

 
 

If you want an incite into the enormity of his douchebaggery, do the “search inside this book” at amazon with the search term “acura.” You’ll get some acknowledgements and the about the author pages. It’s beautiful.

 
 

I have untapped depths, GuinnessGuy. Untapped depths.

 
 

From wikipedia’s definition of Objectivism:

Well, yes, BUT the reality of Objectivism is not at all like that…

from what I’ve seen it’s Libertarianism on meth, not so much a philosophy as an excuse for teenager-brained technophiles to grouse about “big government” and “nasty religion”, while whining that the true geniuses – like them, of course – are SO unfairly oppressed by the idiot masses.

I personally only dodged the bullet of Rand by sheer luck; my libertarianism is to the left these days and I think it’s a much more humanistic philosophy than the “fuck you if you can’t grab it first” concepts of Rand and her fanatics.

 
 

BTW, I’m also a grognard wargamer and RPGer, and I’ve probably been playing D&D longer than most of you rotten meddlin’ kids have been eating solid food. 🙂

And yes, LARPers and White Wolf kiddies are creepy. When RPGing goes from “storytelling” to “play-acting”, watch out…

 
 

Is that death metal font I see?

 
 

I’ve played RPGs for the last 25 years and once even attended a Vampire LARP, with my now ex-wife, no less (not ex because of my geekiness, however. I think.) Most of the attendees were in their mid 20s to early 30s, but there were a few late teens. I only saw a couple of obvious goths (the teens). Most of the others just seemed to enjoy being overdramatic in an imagined fantasy setting. Besides, that night at least, the “combat” took so long that it ended up being more of a party than a game. I only recall one person being ultra-serious about the whole night and he left frustrated by the majority’s casual approach.

 
 

“Fortunately, because he spouts off about religion the Randroids won’t touch him, and the fundies are going to call him a “cultist”. Which means he’s going to be limited to his own lil’ fruitloop fantasy world, which from my viewpoint is hardly a bad thing.”

Yes but…can he manage to attract the attention (and threatening letters) from Helena Kobrin? ($cientology shyst…er, lawyer)

 
 

I have untapped depths, GuinnessGuy. Untapped depths.

As do I… I’ve already noted I listen to country music (the old stuff from my dad’s collection, not that new poppy crap!)… who knows what other twisted tics are bubbling in the depths of me!

 
 

I wonder if it was the porn that caused him to kinda sorta knock his girlfriend up? But, she only did it to entrap this prize, with an eye toward the untold million$ that “Moral Armor” would soon be providing. Little “Asshole, jr.” was gonna be her lifetime meal-ticket, as well as ensuring lots of Prada and DKNY and Gucci for mommy.
I wonder what his borderline-illegal scheme to undo her fortuitous pregnancy was? A few swift kicks to her abdomen? Pushing her down the stairs? Out a 20th-story window? Remember, kids, it’s only a crime if there are witnesses!
But, of course, it’s teh ghey who are the root of all evil. Sigh.

 
 

Live Action Role Playing. It’s like D&D except people really dress up like elves and run around the woods whacking each other with foam swords.

But, but, but, what about the joy of donning a black cloak when it’s ninety degrees and playing paper/rock/scissors on a street corner?

*hand travels woebegonely up to forehead*

 
 

From Ronnie’s website bio:

“He spends most of his time pouring (sic) over manuscripts in economics,
history, philosophy and psychology,..”

But not apparently english comprehension text books.

Any guesses as what fluids he’s expending on these manuscripts?

 
 

Look what I found…he must be an incompetent delusional!

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060118/BUSINESS03/601180355/1016

 
 

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