Does Mel Gibson know they ripped that opening straight out of “The Patriot”? We should call them on it.

Can we haz summary for those of us behind the Great Wall of Websense?

Oh, jeez, first Grandpa was drumming out of time with “Fanfare for the Common Man”, and now he’s babbling something about convening his own “grand jury” to show that uppity president what’s what. My turn on the tranq gun, you get the stretcher.

We cannot locate the state of Illinois.

Well what was John Boehner taking into consideration when he signed off on Obama’s eligibility?

Can we haz summary for those of us behind the Great Wall of Websense?

Basically, the wingers are forming “Citizen Grand Juries” in an attempt to force Obama to shoe his birth certificate or face charges of treason. They even try to cast doubt on the fact that Obama was ever elected to the Illinois state senate. It’s pretty bitchin’. And of course at the beginning you have canned footage of American rebs marching to battle against the British army. Amazing stuff.

Show, not shoe.

This is just slightly less effective than all those towns in New Hampshire or Vermont or wherever it was that voted to impeach Bush.

I may need a new keyboard after seeing Capt. Dudley Smith here, with a straight face, authoritatively present anything as Clear Evidence with Li’l Debbie’s name plastered over it.

Basically, the wingers are forming “Citizen Grand Juries” in an attempt to force Obama to shoe his birth certificate or face charges of treason.

Oh, good, I was so afraid those self-educated legal hawks from the Militia era 90’s might have had to find jobs at Wal-Mart or sumpin’. Nice to see they’ve found a new hobby.

Wait until they find out just how loud the judges are going to laugh when they try to file charges.

to force Obama to shoe his birth certificate

Ah, there you go!

He’s been hiding it in his socks all this time, like wass-his-face.

The music in the background is “Fanfare for the Common Man,” written by Aaron Copland …

… who was teh ghey.

Should we tell them?

What will really be hysterical is when all these assclowns get turned down (yet again) by actual legal authorities. And by hysterical, I don’t mean ROTFL–I mean run off to join the militia/bury canned good and ammo type hysteria. Because OBVIOUSLY it’s one vast conspiracy involving, well, EVERYONE!!!11!1

I wonder how it is that they have “not been able to find any record of Barack Obama as senator from Illinois?” Do these people not have video-tape players or access to teh intertubes? If that’s the case, how to they think anyone will see their dippy little video?

What kind of moron would believe in a state named “Illinois” anyway? The only real American states were those of the original Confederate States of America, on which the Constitution rests, which tells us that the only true authority is that of the local sheriff.

“Should we tell them?”
Oh please. Most of these “My flag r erekt for TEH USA!!!!1!” types are already so far into the closet they’re having conversations with evil monkeys.

Wait until they find out just how loud the judges are going to laugh when they try to file charges.

I wish this would somehow work its way to Sonia Sotomayor before she’s confirmed…

really love the modern mike equipment.

“There are no records for his time spent as a senator in the state of Illinois.”

…Seriously? Wow, that crazy for that sentence is through the roof.

If Debbie Schlussel says a document is phony, that’s good enough for me. What other proof would one require?

IMPEECHMINT NOW!!!!1!!!!1111!!!ELEVEN!!!!1!

Eris bless these crazy bastards, I love ’em.

The local newspaper’s conservative blogger is one of these types — always crammed to the gills with conspiracy theories and innuendoes and articles lifted from Pravda. The folks on the newspaper’s web forum, many of whom actually self-identified as “ultra-far-right,” just hated the guy, because they thought he made them sound crazy, and he was driving people away from the GOP. They’re absolutely right, of course, and he has not a single clue.

Victory is ass-sured by the American Council of Winnebago Grand Jury Citizen Associations and Ronco Juiceman Users Forum:

It looks like AKA is having problems with his public announcement system again. In an attempt to quell the rising tide of anger and disgust from citizens wanting to know where’s the proof of Obama’s “natural born” citizenship, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ recent response to a question on the President’s birth certificate tried to laugh it off. Well, it is no laughing matter and now a FoxNews discussion is having a field day with the comments section. It looks like AKA is getting closer and closer to pucker time! 🙂

…We at American Grand Jury hear what the people are saying and have charged Obama with “presentments” of guilt. On Satruday, May 30th at 2:30 pm, the convened Grand Jury handed down the YES votes of 31 members, unanimous, to INDICT Barack Obama with the “presentments” of Fraud and Treason.

O no! I haz been chajd wif ‘presentments’ by the citzens of the Stockbridge GA American Council to Unify Confederate and Colonial Re-enactors Into A Modern Fighting Simulation Force Against Kenyo-Muslin Tyranny! Run!

This time, no Mr. Nice Guy

Obama’s draft card is illegal because he registered in big red letters as debbieschlussel.com.

Cid, you work way too hard to give that kind of comedy away for free…

I’m totally indicting Scarlett Johansson with presentments of guilt for not coming over to my house for bouncy-bouncy.

Thank you, Super American Council of Banjotown Grand Jury Citizen Association and Kite Golf Forum, for helping me get lucky with Scarlett Johansson! Whoooo!

What kind of moron would believe in a state named “Illinois” anyway?

Ill-eh-nwah? Go back to France, Obama!

@Scott: Weird, me too.

Is it just my dirty mind or is that asshole constantly bobbing the mic up and down like a frat guy mimicking fellatio?

Also, I loved the “walk up to a law enforcement officer and ask him to charge Obama” thing. Yes, I will run right out and do that. Ossifer!

Yep, this “citizen grand jury” kangaroo court is straight out of the “sovereign citizen” playbook of the ’80s and ’90s militia wackjobs.

Not that anyone cares, but this crap was dreamt up by a violent Christian Identity racist (William Potter Gale of the Sheriff’s Posse Comitatus) and is based on essentially racist principles (white protestants, as the people who dreamed up the Constitution in the first place, can do whatever the hell they want, including hold their own trials, issue liens, print their own money, etc. etc.).

The best part is that he says the first step is to go up to a police officer, wave a bunch of documents and spout a bunch of nonsense, and demand a criminal case number against the president.

We can only hope that this leads to the brithers’ all being involuntarily committed.

. . . restore the Constitution to its rightful place . . . such as these old white guys in wigs

Rusty Shackleford said,

June 3, 2009 at 17:45

We cannot locate the state of Illinois.

For the win. I can’t breathe from the laffing. Happy now?

The music in the background is “Fanfare for the Common Man,” written by Aaron Copland …who was teh ghey. Should we tell them?

And whose music is still under copyright protection. I’m setting up a citizen grand jury to investigate.

Tom Waits, you don’t count because you didn’t file a legitimate presentment of guilt with the Free Citizens Militia Council of American Square Dancers of San Dimas!

Don’t you see? Don’t you all see? Tom Waits has been seen in the presence of a 50-star flag with gold fringe! Fifty stars! Gold fringe! Tapioca! The hip-hop! Isn’t it clear?!

Yes, he certainly had a firm grip on that microphone.

For the win. I can’t breathe from the laffing.

Me, too. At first, I didn’t get it because I couldn’t watch the video, but after it was explained… beyond hilarious.

What’s with the nervous flutter in his voice? Doesn’t he know he can do another take if he makes a mistake?

We cannot locate the state of Illinois.

It’s the dangly thing. Looks like a used condom just before you drop it in the trash.

This is just slightly less effective than all those towns in New Hampshire or Vermont or wherever it was that voted to impeach Bush.

There are actually towns in Vermont were W will be arrested on sight and charged with war crimes (if he were ever to go there). Ah, I love the lunacy of New England.

I would cite, but I’ve got the flu and I’m too fucking full of cough-syrup to care.

I also like the way he starts off pretending to be a news reporter on the scene (EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS. DAY.) and then wings it until it devolves into a stammering repetition of fancy words and sober eye contact. With that cord (from the mic?) visible under his jacket on his left.

And yes, he had me stroking my chin thoughtfully, ready to join him on the ramparts, until that bit about we-can’t-even-prove-he-was-a-Senator.

Isn’t Risperdal generic by now? Wouldn’t that help?

I know who their next spokesman should be: a re-enactor of Winnebago Man

Why didn’t this qualify for a “Kerners Are Go!” title?

At least this keeps some of the nutjobs and wingnuts busy so they can’t murder doctors or molest children.

No, let me correct that — it should be a Winnebago re-enactor wearing a Panda suit with teabags on his head.

Yes, he certainly had a firm grip on that microphone.

Not only that, note the dildo in his jacket breast pocket. As for the fluttering and nervousness, it’s due to the other dildo which is not visible.

Here’s how stupid these guys really are. They’re so stupid they’re even stupider than our stupid state legislators in Nashville who, a month or two after the election, suddenly decided to jump on the Obama birth-certificate bandwagon, and then got laughed down and ridiculed. By Tennesseans. That’s how stupid these guys are.

They need some help from these guys. It would help their credibility.

Is that nutjob wearing some kind of slippers on his feet (visible early in the video)?

It would explain a lot, since they usually give only slippers to sanitarium residents so they don’t hurt themselves.

Looks like a used condom just before you drop it in the trash.

I don’t know if that’s going to be much help for these folks.

it’s due to the other dildo which is not visible.

So, that’s some sort of custom wetsuit he’s wearing?

and then got laughed down and ridiculed. By Tennesseans

Oh. My.

That’s pitiful.

I hadn’t seen Winnebago Man before.

Awesome doesn’t begin to describe it.

It’s the dangly thing. Looks like a used condom just before you drop it in the trash.

Isn’t that Florida?

Winnebago Man was new to me too. I’m definitely hiring him for my next industrial film.

I doan no much ’bout moosic liesensing but as best I kin figger,

mailto:moboosey@music-exchange.co.uk

seems to be the copyright owner of Fanfare. I just sent them an email notifying them about this.

Why won’t Obama release the vault copy of his record in the Illinois Senate?

“There are no records for his time spent as a senator in the state of Illinois.”

No records of his adulthood, no records of his being born… apparently if it weren’t for the death list there’d be no documentary proof for his existence at all.

Ah, the conservative salmon are trying to swim upstream to their hatch point in the kerning pools of their youth, where they won an actual victory and forever more assumed all political victories would come from analyzing the typeface and spacing of original documents.

No records of his adulthood, no records of his being born… apparently if it weren’t for the death list there’d be no documentary proof for his existence at all.

We’re gonna need a vault copy of that death list, friend.

Here’s how stupid these guys really are. They’re so stupid they’re even stupider than our stupid state legislators in Nashville who, a month or two after the election, suddenly decided to jump on the Obama birth-certificate bandwagon, and then got laughed down and ridiculed. By Tennesseans. That’s how stupid these guys are.

In the month before the election, our future governor was observed cheating on his wife and beating on his mistress. When she somehow took the Governor’s Mansion in a divorce settlement, it barely registered on the local radar.

And we voted against McCain and Palin by 12 points (and normally go Republican by around 5). The big thing in Republican politics these days seems to be being such a degenerate idiot that even people renowned for their degenerate idiocy laugh their asses off at you.

There is no record of his alleged time in the fictitious “Illinois Senate” where he apparently did not vote “present” twenty gazillion times.

The funniest part for me is their plan to “unsign” any and all documents he X’ed (he probably can’t write his name since there are no school records except for that madrassa). Any bets they’re laying in a supply of erasers?

Oh noes! BHO is The Man Who Wasn’t There! Or the Man Who Never Was, or some variation.

I’ve read things online about contrails and orgone energy that made more sense than this.

There is no record of his alleged time in the fictitious “Illinois Senate” where he apparently did not vote “present” twenty gazillion times.

As a typography expert certified by Liberty University, I can prove that the kerning of the so-called ‘original’ “Special Theory of Relativity” is wrong. The MSM studiously ignores us, of course, because it’s in the tank for space-time.

He is literally wanking the microphone.

There is no evidence that he was ever Illinois state senator WTF !eleventy!

I am totally not buying this whole “Obama is POTUS” thing until I see the vault copy of his oath of office.

This country was founded by people who believed in a small, limited government and BO is undermining our most basic values.

Tax money for car companies, tax money for “stimulus”, tax money for Amtrak, tax money for his political cronies, tax money for mice in San Francisco, tax tax tax spend spend spend…keep firing up the printing presses BO….keep STEALING from us and our grandchildren, and just see what happens in 2010!

“The Government that governs best governs least”–Thomas Jefferson.

That appears to be a roll of Reynolds Wrap in his pocket.

Useful for hats and other things.

From here on out I refuse to use the roads or the sewer system, since tax theft funds those Hitler-like things.

I hate taxes. From now on, I refuse to breathe since the EPA, funded by tax theft, regulates air pollution and makes sure that factories don’t pollute.

No more water for me! Tax theft funds water treatment facilities.

“The Government that governs best governs least”–Thomas Jefferson

Of course, Tommy J. was also known to say some snarky things about religion, which of course your average wingnut ignores.

The Founders believed in a limited government that only did what was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY…not centralized socialism/fascism.

This country was founded by blarters who believed in a blart, limited blarterment and BLART is undermining our most basic blarts.

Blarts for blart companies, blart for “blartulus”, blarts for Blartrak, blarts for his blartical cronies, blarts for blarters in San Blartcisco, blart blart blart blart blart blart…keep firing up the blarting blarters BLART…keep BLARTING from us and our blartchildren, and just see what happens in 20Blart!!

“*puts a Hello Kitty band-aid on his boo-boo*”–Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

Taxation is slavery, and I for one refuse to bow and scrape for massa. You ever see one of those “troop” assholes we’re supposed to “support”? They’re just a bunch of punk kids, having a great time with their guns in democratic, stable Iraq. And yet they steal our money to “eat” and “go to school”. The taxpayers won’t stand for this, Jimmy Hussayn Carter.

National defense is a legitimate, constitutional function of government.

I hate what the Constitution says about Standing Armies being bad.

People who hate taxes should also quit flushing their toilets, since sewer systems are all part of the hateful socialist conspiracy to deprive them of their minimum wage salary. In fact, they should go out to the socialist street and defecate in it, just to rightfully show their just contempt!!!

Blartional deblarts is a blargitimate, blartstitutional blartion of governblart.

“I hate what the Constitution says about Standing Armies being bad.”

Show where it says “standing armies are bad”, or SHUT UP.

PS: For once, the topic is actually as hilariously, completely idiotic as the troll, so I’d kind of recommend letting him be.

The lack of oxygen my brain has, by refusing to breath the fresh air that tax theft creates, does wonders for creating conspiracy theories in my frontal cortex.

We cannot locate the state of Illinois.

Be grateful. Be very, very grateful.

Apropos of nothing:

CAIRO — Just as President Obama arrived in the Middle East, the Al Jazeera television news broadcast an audiotape on Wednesday that it said was Osama bin Laden condemning Mr. Obama for planting new seeds of “hatred and vengeance toward Americans.”

The message focused on President Obama’s decision to step up pressure on extremists in Pakistan. The speaker specifically blamed the president for the Pakistani military’s drive to retake an area in the Swat Valley that had recently come under the control of Taliban forces. He blamed Mr. Obama for the “one million Muslims” who have had to flee their homes because of the fighting. United Nations and Pakistani officials estimate that as many as three million people have been displaced by the conflict. “Obama has followed the footsteps of his predecessor in increasing animosity towards Muslims and increasing enemy fighters and establishing long-term wars,” the recording said. “So the American people should get ready to reap the fruits of what the leaders of the White House have planted throughout the coming years and decades.”

In other news, in the Arab world we’re more popular and considered more credible than Bin Laden for the first time in years. Funny how that works, huh?

Show where it says “standing armies are bad”, or SHUT UP.

“The Congress shall have Power: … To raise and support Armies, but no Appropriation of Money to that Use shall be for a longer Term than two Years”.

Also, blart.

“In other news, in the Arab world we’re more popular and considered more credible than Bin Laden for the first time in years.”

How the hell do you figure that? They still hate us, will always hate us, no matter how many times Obama apologizes or reads from his teleprompter.

The prohibition against Standing Armies is, unfortunately in Article I. We who love selling $600 toilet seats to the taxpayer hate that.

In addition, here is good old T. Jefferson: “I do not like [in the new Federal Constitution] the omission of a Bill of Rights providing clearly and without the aid of sophisms for… protection against standing armies.” – letter to James Madison, 1787

Over 400 Chicago comptrollers died in the making of that film, though, mysteriously, the files are currently missing. And I said nothing.

Thomas Jefferson was a long-haired surrender-crat faggot who would have burned up all his gay notes about ‘rights’ and shit if he had ever watched several Moors crash a hot-air balloon into a tall American building.

The Founders believed in a limited government that only did what was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY…not centralized socialism/fascism.

We loved the hundreds of billions that President El Chimpo gave us in late 2001

The Founders believed in a limited government that only did what was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

Also: that black people were worth 3/5 of a honky.

Thomas Jefferson was a long-haired surrender-crat faggot who would have burned up all his gay notes about ‘rights’ and shit if he had ever watched several Moors crash a hot-air balloon into a tall American building.

THEfE COLOURf DO NOT RUNNE

They still hate us, will always hate us, no matter how many times Obama apologizes or reads from his teleprompter we invade their countries and steal their oil.

Fixed.

So is promoting the general welfare…

They can’t afford a wireless lapel or boom mic?

THEfE COLOURf DO NOT RUNNE

hahahahaha

THEfE COLOURf DO NOT RUNNE

want T-shirt

How did we “steal” anyone’s oil? The Arabs are filthy stinking rich now, even though if it wasn’t for WESTERN technology getting it out of the ground they’d still be living in tents and fucking goats.

BLART!

They have boots on the ground! Fear the kerners! Fear Hussein Blacky X Bambi’s left-handed signature!

Also, the way he keeps shaking that 1968 microphone is very distracting.

Also, I’d love to see those “local sherrifs” attempt to arrest the president. Pleez somebody try! Please!

And finally, also, where is Superman? I hear his music, but he’s not there. Also.

How did we “steal” anyone’s oil?

That was the point of invading Iraq. Remember?

How did we “steal” anyone’s oil? The Arabs are filthy stinking rich now, even though if it wasn’t for WESTERN technology getting it out of the ground they’d still be living in tents and fucking goats.

Um, not so fast, Troofus. About that standing army thing…you were saying, you wanted to be shown where it was.

You wouldn’t be a dishonest little micro-dicked loser and just move on, pretending you weren’t, once again, bested by simple reality, would you?

That’s certainly not the Troofus I know…

“…living in tents and fucking goats.”

Hey, keep your fantasies out of the conversation please.

I am still scared about that negro in the White House. He has to be a fake, since my daddy always told me I was better than any lousy nigg– while he was cornholing me.

… fucking goats

Really?! Where?

You wouldn’t be a dishonest little micro-dicked loser and just move on, pretending you weren’t, once again, bested by simple reality, would you?

I doubt those words are in the REAL Constitution. I demand to see the vault copy right now!

Very effective, very persuasive video. I’m totally convinced. Although I would recommend changing the soundtrack from Fanfare for the Common Man to this, played really loud. And why is Carl Swensen wearing zoot-suit pants?

I probably don’t need to point this out to anyone here except for you-know-who and it’s kind of pointless with respect to him.

They don’t hate Americans. In fact, they generally like America and Americans. It’s the American government that inspires such hatred.

POOP. Also and such as.

not centralized socialism/fascism.

Oh, why stop there?

socialism/fascism/monarchism/communism/dictatorship/theocracy/republic/representative democracy

You can just use them all, since you don’t know what they mean, but they sound real good.

Note how Troofy is here in the middle of the day…in summer.

Get a job, bag boy. Although I do hear that grocery store managers tend not to hire arrogant acne-ridden douchebags who have never left their mom’s basement yet think they know more about the U.S. Constitution than people who have, you know, actually read it.

It was me who said “The government that governs best, governs least”. Apparently Troofus’ high school English teacher TAUGHT best, if ya know what I mean.

It was me who said “The government that governs best, governs least”.

Case in point: Afghanistan.

What is known in the business as a “target rich” environment.

I bet their mailing list is a hot little property…

I would like to have the Citizens Auxiliary Bacon Dedicators Revolutionary Anti-Unpresentment Rental Tea Party Associationaries’ video remixed with the dancing badgers / mushroom, mushroom / snake audio loop.

we have no proof that obama was born in the u.s. but i have irrefutable proof that he drinks the blood of babies with his morning v-8. micheele malkin visited me in a dream, and she said so.

As Troofus could never be seen associating with a hippie faggot like myself, I await his notice that he’s become pro-big government any day now. Then “Jackass” will be a rerun and he’ll come back here claiming that first comment was a spoofer.

National defense is a legitimate, constitutional function of government.

So is promoting the general welfare.

So pony up, shithead.

I bet their mailing list is a hot little property…

I LOVE those guys!

want T-shirt

I’m mocking up a basic design, but to really go the whole nine you’d want whatever flag it is in the beak of a bad-ass-looking turkey.

The Founders believed in a limited government that only did what was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

And clearly what is absolutely necessary hasn’t changed in 220 years. There were just as many cars on the road and factories belching toxins in 1790 as there are now. It’s just that the Founders weren’t pussies like today’s liberals. They didn’t flinch at the prospect of their children having fatal asthma attacks, or the permanent poisoning of their water sources, or the selling of tainted food or defective products, or the collapse of the entire ecosystem due to global warming. They knew all about those things and CHOSE TO SUFFER.

This country was founded by people who believed in a small, limited government

….which owned the first commercial bank in America.

Um, not so fast, Troofus. About that standing army thing…you were saying, you wanted to be shown where it was.

Trollbaiting, Simba?

Really? YOU?!?!?!?!?!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh, I seem to remember a whole lotta discussion about standing armies and their drawbacks in the Federalist Papers.

You know, those Federalist Papers the Real True Americans love to wave around but evidently never seem to actually read, kind of like Wealth of Nations…

So pony up, shithead.

You stupid libs and your “reality”. It’s just crazy. When I was growing up, my daddy always told me, in between cornholing sessions, that if I wanted to hear the real truth it would come out of the mouth of a fat drug addict who had a radio show.

ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

You know, like making sure teh ghey’s don’t get married.

Argh, take the apostrophe out of “gheys” up there.

The Founding Fathers were all about standing armies, don’t you know. One major cause of the Revolution was outrage at the British authorities, in spite of a general feeling of rebelliousness and public violence, failing to station a permanent army requiring requisitioned quarter in America.

What’s wrong with apostrophe’s?’

You know, those Federalist Papers the Real True Americans love to wave around but evidently never seem to actually read, kind of like Wealth of Nations…

Wealth of whatnow?

This country was founded by people who believed in a small, limited government

and shot black-powder guns.

Thus my Second Amendment compromise: you can own whatever the hell gun you want, as many of ’em as you want, carry ’em wherever you want…

…as long as they’re all muzzle-loading, unrifled, and use black powder.

You know, those Federalist Papers the Real True Americans love to wave around but evidently never seem to actually read, kind of like Wealth of Nations…

Real Whatnow?

Nice microphone action. He sure looks like he’s giving a blow job to me (not TO me).

This country was founded by people who believed in a small, limited government

Well, to be polite about it, at the time that was pretty much all they could believe in, given that they occupied a sliver of one coast and had to depend on France to help them fight off the British, with whom they still needed to trade.

I mean, it would have sounded pretty silly for the colonialists working just to get independence from England an ocean away to be talking about how big and awsum!!! their broke government being funded by levies on rum runners was gonna be some day, just you wait.

George Washington: “Dude! We are going to be f***ing HUUUUGE, man, HUUUUUGE!”

…as long as they’re all muzzle-loading, unrifled, and use black powder.

Now, Pere, you’re asking an awful lot of men who can’t even find the right hole to impregnate a women…

The third amendment is also reflective of their antipathy toward standing armies.

Speaking of which, if the Third Amendment didn’t exist, and you tried to pass it today, can you imagine how conservatives would react? To an amendment forbidding quartering of soldiers wherever the government damn well pleases?

Actually this goes for the entire bill of rights except the 2nd and possibly 10th amendments. Conservatives would vehemently oppose the other 8 as antithetical to freedom.

And just so you all know, the copious body of work by the Founding Fathers on the right to trial and safety in one’s person doesn’t count because they had never met a challenge which would really require their government (at the time, the Crown) to put any recent immigrants under suspicion for harboring radical terrorist sympathies, ignore standing protections against mistrial, and unify all power in the executive branch.

On the other hand, their saying nothing about the EPA clearly means they never intended it to exist.

“Taxation is slavery” is a weird nym from a guy who, when slavery was actually legal, would be saying the Emancipation Proclamation was Abraham HUSSEIN! Lincoln’s unconscionable violation of their rights and an indication of the excesses of government. I’m not sure where he’d go afterwards, since neither Cheetos nor NastySpaceSluts.com existed back then.

Nevermind the standing armies. What about the sitting armies with their useless butts parked in recliners? What about armies that lay around all day while the goddamned yard needs to be mowed?

Ah, I see that it’s proof of …..well, something….that Obama said “Shukran” to the Saudi King. I didn’t know that exchanging common pleasantries in ferrin languages was anti-whatever.

Guess I better not say “Gracias” at the taco truck next time.

Of course, the modern welfare state simply did not exist in the late 1700s. The first elements of it wouldn’t exist until Otto Von Bismark implemented the first major social assistance policies in Germany to head off Karl Marx by doing “just enough” to blunt growing public anger.

So the US founders’ idea of “limited” government, was in contrast to the norm of aristocratic and monarchistic European governments, who soaked the poor, their colonies and anyone not in the elite for their benefit, and fought vanity wars and all the other good stuff.

It was a very liberal advancing of the concept of the function of the state, and had nothing to do with whether government should engage in social programs to help the less fortunate.

I need to see a triple vault copy of Abe Lincoln’s birth certificate given that so many people are given different information about his birthplace.

In the month before the election, our future governor was observed cheating on his wife and beating on his mistress. When she somehow took the Governor’s Mansion in a divorce settlement, it barely registered on the local radar.

[head explodes]

“Taxation is slavery” is a weird nym from a guy who, when slavery was actually legal, would be saying the Emancipation Proclamation was Abraham HUSSEIN! Lincoln’s unconscionable violation of their rights and an indication of the excesses of government. I’m not sure where he’d go afterwards, since neither Cheetos nor NastySpaceSluts.com existed back then.

You’d actually be surprised how good some of the stuff serialized by upstanding pornographs such as The Unsplittable Rail, The Constitutional Union Party Gazette, and Hot Frontier Whores was.

I need to see a triple vault copy of Abe Lincoln’s birth certificate

What are you looking for? The fucking Olympic Gymnastics gold medal in Wingnuttery?

You’d actually be surprised how good some of the stuff serialized by upstanding pornographs

You can’t fool me! Thomas Edison didn’t invent the pornograph for another forty years!

I notice the denouncer got all nervousy warbly specifically when he suggested people go up to the police and report Barack Hussein Obama. Probably because he knows every single cop will now hate him for forever + 1 day.

If someone actually starts doing that to police…woo.

Can you imagine – I mean can you frakking imagine – the expression on that cop’s face? The you-gotta-be-shittin-me, how-soon-can-I-retire, can’t-the-loonies-just-jerk-off-each-other weariness?

I picture one of the loonies dialing 911 to summon a policeman, to demand the policeman do his duty.

It’d be enough to garner police sympathy from NWA.

I need to see a triple vault

Is that closer to a pole vault or a triple jump?

Why is the guy mocking Michael J Fox?

Case in point: Afghanistan.

Not to mention Somalia! The Libertarian Paradise!

To which Teh Toof should move.

You can’t fool me! Thomas Edison didn’t invent the pornograph for another forty years!

You’re correct that a specialized device would not exist until the invention of Edison’s crude ball-typewriter variant, but at the time “pornography” specifically signified the invention of Clarendon, the first font which was sufficiently erotic to displace masturbating to saucy lithographs like a caveman.

Actually I have nothing else to say. My name said it all. Oh, and Binladen Hitler Osama.

I have just been informed of a shocking fact: The first nine US presidents were not born in America.

This information was uncovered by a brave squadron of elite kerning specialists who analyzed the vault copies of their birth certificates comparing them to regulation quills used in the late 1700s and discovered discrepancies.

Dan Rather refused comment on this shocking finding. In other news, the US is now formally at war with Canada since the treaty of 1812 has been invalidated having been signed by that imposter, James Madison.

“pornography” specifically signified the invention of Clarendon, the first font which was sufficiently erotic to displace masturbating to saucy lithographs like a caveman.

I want to see the kerning.

Not sure which of Mr Swensen’s afflictions needs more help, the delusions or St Vitus Dance.

Argh, take the apostrophe out of “gheys” up there.

You can take the apostrophe out of teh ghey but you can’t take teh ghey out a pissed troofie.

out OF, godfuckingdamnit!

I need to see a triple vault copy of Abe Lincoln’s birth certificate given that so many people are given different information about his birthplace.

And if it’s not forthcoming everything Lincoln signed is null and void. The entire Civil War ceases to have ever happened, chattel slavery is reborn, and zombie Roger Taney becomes Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. All documents, records, and diplomas would become invalid and we’d have to go back to high school.

That’s some 10w40 asshattery right there.

Oh, jeez… PLEASE don’t make me go back to high school…

All documents, records, and diplomas would become invalid and we’d have to go back to high school.

Really? And do you mean “public” government high school? ‘Cause once free of the federalist oppression, we could return to the gooderer education of the one-room schoolhouse financed and controlled entirely by our expansive minded local communitaries.

And if it’s not forthcoming everything Lincoln signed is null and void. The entire Civil War ceases to have ever happened, chattel slavery is reborn, and zombie Roger Taney becomes Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. All documents, records, and diplomas would become invalid and we’d have to go back to high school.

And as the Constitution requires, Andrew Johnson will serve as temporary Prom Commander in Chief for three months until elections can be held among the 1864 student body.

And if it’s not forthcoming everything Lincoln signed is null and void.

It’s going to be a bitch erasing the ink signatures on all those documents, let me tell ya.

You can take the apostrophe out of teh ghey but you can’t take teh ghey out a pissed troofie.

WIN. (Even with the typo.)

I’m having a not so good day, but it’s been made significantly better by this thread. Y’all are awesome.

It’s going to be a bitch erasing the ink signatures on all those documents, let me tell ya.

Two words: White Out.

Which is essentially what the South wanted in the first place…

You know, it occurs to me to remember around now that John Sydney McCain was not born in the United States.

Not that I care in the slightest about this, because the “born in the USA” provision is stupid and pointless, but another point of irony in the endless sea of conservative stupidity. I know it once bugged the wingnuts too, because prior to McCain sealing the nomination, there were wingnuts making noises about his birthplace, and they may have even gone to court over it.

Maybe they were hoping Dick Cheney would continue in office as President if they could have both Obama and McCain disqualified.

BTW, my post above at 19:22 wherein I say “Show where it says standing armies are bad, or SHUT UP.” may be bookmarked to throw in my face in the future.

C’mon ladies. Check out that light gray(?) suit and – wait, are those sneakers he’s wearing? You know you’d hatefuck this guy.

Why do they need the vault copy of the birth certificate? Isn’t writing his name in the back of the family Bible good enough anymore?

You know, it occurs to me to remember around now that John Sydney McCain was not born in the United States.

Bullshit. Where ever John McCain goes, that is the United States of God Damn America. When he was born, Panamanian birds shit U.S. flags for weeks and all burps sounded like Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Panamanian birds shit U.S. flags for weeks

Ow.

Panamanian birds shit U.S. flags for weeks

Ah, the parrots of Penzance.

Did someone say “parrots”?

Did someone say “parrots”?

*rawkwheeHOO*

Apparently Troofus’ high school English teacher TAUGHT best, if ya know what I mean.

Yes. Sure. It’s my fault. Because based on the evidence in these threads, Troofie is so demonstrably educable. Jesus.

*rummages in desk drawer for bottle of Maker’s Mark*

No records of his adulthood, no records of his being born

Damn. So he really is just like Jesus.

This is just slightly less effective than all those towns in New Hampshire or Vermont or wherever it was that voted to impeach Bush.

That’s because those grass-roots impeachment attempts had some basis (however slight) in law. Unlike the home-grown grand juries, which have approximately the same degree of legitimacy as a lynch mob.

Edison’s crude ball-typewriter variant

How’d the hell did he get balls to go in and around the platen?

“How’d the hell did he get balls to go in and around the platen?”

I don’t know but I bet it hurt like hell.

Edison’s crude ball-typewriter variant

How’d the hell did he get balls to go in and around the platen?

It was the first automatic teabagging machine.

Can you imagine – I mean can you frakking imagine – the expression on that cop’s face?

Sure can. Remind me of the day my brother and I were getting on the freeway behind two guys in a big ol’ American car. They’d apparently just bought themselves a full-size mattress. Had it on the roof of the car, but it wasn’t tied down or anything – instead they each had one arm out the windows holding it.

As they drove down the freeway onramp. Headed for a 60 MPH zone.

Fortunately, there was a cop right behind us, and he pulled the guys over. I used to wonder exactly what he said to them as he walked up to the car.

How’d the hell did he get balls to go in and around the platen?

And for the rest of his life, young Tom would be known as Uniball…

It was the first automatic teabagging machine.

You don’t know how right you are: the massive shift in consumer profile basically ruined the industry. The ones that struggled on past their sell-by-date were gradually snapped up by investors, and with the purchase of the Seattle franchise of the Hot Frontier Sluts-Intelligencer, William Randolph Hearst officially ended an era.

He’s been hiding it in his socks all this time, like wass-his-face.

It’s twoo! It’s twoo!

Clarendon, the first font which was sufficiently erotic to displace masturbating to saucy lithographs

Didja see the bowls on that ‘B’! And those ascenders…
[outbreak of sweating].

“Hey you slaves, get back to work!” – Thomas Jefferson

#

Slavery is Slavery said,

June 3, 2009 at 23:14

“Hey you slaves, get back to work!” – Thomas Jefferson

I’m totally stealing this, kind anonymous sir.

Not sure which of Mr Swensen’s afflictions needs more help, the delusions or St Vitus Dance.
Do not rule out Huntingdon’s disease as an explanation for both.

Debbie Schlussell.com? WorldnetDaily? Oh no. We’re sunk.

FWIW, Jefferson actually tried to free his slaves, but swift acting Virginia legislators, like those of other states, made sure to eliminate the conscience escape from slavery. In most states you could only liberate them upon your death.

Looks like he’s barefoot (:23). Perhaps he’s thrown both his shoes at Obama.

…We at American Grand Jury hear what the people are saying and have charged Obama with “presentments” of guilt. On Satruday, May 30th at 2:30 pm, the convened Grand Jury handed down the YES votes of 31 members, unanimous, to INDICT Barack Obama with the “presentments” of Fraud and Treason.

I want to see the meeting’s reaction if the vote hadn’t been unanimous.

It case anyone had any doubts of their shit-fullness level, from http://www.usdoj.gov: Rule 7 does not recognize the use of a presentment, a charge preferred by a grand jury on its own initiative. Although a grand jury may investigate, call witnesses, and make a presentment charging a crime, the presentment so returned cannot serve to initiate a prosecution. To initiate a prosecution, a presentment would first have to be submitted to the grand jury in the form of an indictment and be voted for in accordance with Fed. R. Crim. P. 6(f). See Gaither v. United States, 413 F.2d 1061 (D.C. Cir. 1969). See also United States v. Radetsky, 535 F.2d 556, 561 n.1 (10th Cir.), cert. denied, 429 U.S. 820 (1976).

Presentments are usually more a “the grand jury investigated the local jail and found the kitchen filthy and vermin-infested. It is the recommendation of the committee that the kitchens be regularly inspected by health officials as a restaurant serving the public and held to those standards” sort of thing. You sure as shit don’t charge somebody with a “presentment of guilt.” That doesn’t even make any fucking sense.

Looks like he’s barefoot (:23). Perhaps he’s thrown both his shoes at Obama.

Nah, they’re loafers, although he seems to be wearing those barefoot, and they’re the wrong color for any suit, let alone a gray one.

Other observations:

1) The suit has none of the permanent creases from wear, so it is probably either new or very recently professionally laundered, e.g. rented
2) The lapel pin is facing downwards and divoted, as if pushed in with great effort and left where it sat. It is a flag lapel pin, and it is farther from the lapel edge than it ought to be. (Here is Obama wearing what appears to be the same make of pin appropriately; the slope is acute enough that wearing it off-axis makes it look like it’s pointing straight down, which is silly-looking.) Also possible: he’s been fiddling with it, because he has no other concept of how to divert himself while wearing a suit.
3) The mic is live, but the breeze is inaudible – and yet no one decided to refilm minor stammering.
4) He has neither any idea how to hold things to his face in a suit jacket nor any idea what to do with his other arm, which just swings to and fro distractingly.
5) He has his pants tucked into his loafers.
6) He is swaying around like a bored child blatantly enough that he would be yelled at by any middle-school debate coach.
7) Particularly good part: at 4:30 he’s on full-on mic-fellate mode and then there’s a white-paper of some kind on poorly-photocopied US Naval Academy letterhead, the subject of which is evidently “crinmal allegations regarding the commission of treason”. This may be minor, but bear in mind these are people who think there’s such magical power in the written word that the right combination of words or a refusal to accept a zip code can exempt them from taxation, and also that having a case code for filing criminal charges without evidence makes those criminal charges more likely to happen, you know, because the courts just forget about charges and have to be reminded all the time.
After that hilarious sequence, he’s about half a foot to the right, suggesting that the interlay was put in to disguise him stepping that way or mask a transition between two takes, and that the director didn’t understand the very, very basic idea of marking a standing actor’s place. Not like it’d do that much good, but…
8) Other blatant use of melted-in images to mask scene transitions seem to happen fairly frequently, without any great rhyme or reason in the context of the film. They seem to coincide with him beginning to stammer, so I like to think he just does a bil ol’ rail of meth in between takes.
9) The tie is evidently a clip-on – it’s much more uniform and hangs far flatter than I believe he’d be capable of tying his own tie, and his collar shows no evidence of having a tie under it.
10) In short, this guy has no idea how to wear a suit, has no idea how to hold a microphone, and doesn’t even have the basic wingnut-fu to negotiate a flag pin. And yet there are clear flashes of professionalism! The sound is very professionally-edited, and yet Fanfare for the Common Man without credit. (I’m sure the authors would believe they could claim to be the common man and thus the rightful owner of the piece.) The film editing isn’t wholly bad, but the director lacks the most basic understanding of how to do anything but have a tripod. Various bits suggest it might be partially voiced-over, but they evidently recorded some sound live. (My guess is that the mic isn’t live and they have a better microphone on the camera, and yet the guy in the suit – whose vanity project this definitely is – felt the need to hold the microphone against his mouth and stroke it rhythmically for a reason he could not explain with words.) Hell, the undershirt is two sizes too big for him. If I were a more conspiratorial man, the surreal mixture of high-quality production with a ludicrously shitty job done by the actor central to it would weird me out a little.

11) Finally, dig the shitty faux-colonial laminated constitution – and get the Bill of Rights absolutely free!

Also, am I the only one reminded of Henry Gibson, the head Nazi in “Blues Brothers”?

The French Revolution came about when the proles heard about the gold-leaf interiors of Versailles and experienced a ressentiment of gilt.

The French Revolution came about when the proles heard about the gold-leaf interiors of Versailles and experienced a ressentiment of gilt. — Smut Clyde

I don’t fully understand that, but I know greatness when I see it.

I don’t fully understand that, but I know greatness when I see it.

And I feel the very same way about Borat and the sport of sumo.

I have to admit, when I read the headline, I thought, “greatest ever?” But hey, I watched it. And you know what? This is the greatest, ever. It’s like Eisenstein and Kurosawa got together with Kubrick, John Ford, Fellini, and Tarkovsky, they all did some keg stands and mezcal shooters, then around 2:30 AM they called Michael Bay, woke his ass up, and said, “dude, let’s make an infomercial,” and somehow the project got sidetracked and the guy that handles the ShamWow account ended up shooting it instead. At least, that’s my first impression. It will take repeated viewings to unpack the panoply of riches, obviously. Which is never, ever going to fucking happen.

taxation is slavery sez:

This country was founded by people who believed in a small, limited government and BO is undermining our most basic values.

Tax money for car companies, tax money for “stimulus”, tax money for Amtrak, tax money for his political cronies, tax money for mice in San Francisco, tax tax tax spend spend spend…keep firing up the printing presses BO….keep STEALING from us and our grandchildren, and just see what happens in 2010!

I wonder if the neo-cons “undermined basic values” by:
1. Tax money to Halliburton.
2. Tax money to Boeing.
3. Tax money to Blackwater.
4. TAX MONEY TO HIGHLY INDUSTRIALIZED iSREAL whose citizens have a higher standard of living than most Americans.

I could go on.

Cheapest suit I’ve ever seen on a traitor. Watch Seven Days in May and dress like Burt Lancaster you dumbass. How are going to inspire drunk beer-bellied guys to get out of their Barcaloungers wearing a twenty dollar suit with a QVC haircut? This revolution is revolting I tell you. Reads like some Ayn Rand trash novel or something.

Fun, ultra-groovy, super-modernistic Carl Swensson related websites from the cybernetinternets!
Rise Up For America.
We the People USA.
Constitutional Emergency.

All the sub-coherent loonitude you could possibly desire.

Ah, he would like to report! Pesky, pesky reality!

The music should be “Theme for the Batshit Crazy.” Copeland deserves beter.

“Better,” even!

5) He has his pants tucked into his loafers.

Ah! That’s why it looks like he’s wearing the bottom half of a zoot-suit.

But why the fuck would anyone tuck their pants into their shoes? That is some seriously weird shit.

But why the fuck would anyone tuck their pants into their shoes?

82nd Airborne.

82nd Airborne.

Carl Swensson is combat-ready.

So I looked at this stuff about “citizen grand juries” and I have one question. Kind of a really big one. Even if a grand jury could do these presentments, wouldn’t they have to have been empowered by some legitimate court somewhere in the United States? One can’t just go out and form one’s own grand jury. Seems like they skipping an important step…

Even if a grand jury could do these presentments, wouldn’t they have to have been empowered by some legitimate court somewhere in the United States? One can’t just go out and form one’s own grand jury.

Swensson and his friends believe in the ‘I-can-do-anything-I-want’ school of legal thought. This is closely related to the ‘Me-want-cookie-NOW’ approach to social conduct adhered to by many two-year-olds.

Fake birth certificate, fake Selective Service card, fake school transcript, fake sebate record…holy shit, Barack Obama is George Kaplan!

“82nd Airborne.”

101st Chairborne, more like.

Holy screaming meemies. Talk about Georgia On My Mind.

Mmm, & just think: there’s several such kangaroo-court “Grand Juries” across the proverbial fruited plains! He fails it – it is understanding what a Grand Jury is or does.

Oh lordy, this blows serious mongoose-cock … it’s VIDEO, you yut, not Drama tryouts! For the love of Cthulhu, do another take!

I have to pity the poor bugger that takes this crap at face value more than the cop he or she goes to – if they’re stupid enough not to talk to a reputable lawyer first, they’re going to be setting themselves up to get bent over the hood good & proper for frivolous action, if it could somehow get to a courtroom (& interfering with an officer if the cop’s having a bad day).

“… the presidential process has been one of the Honor System – until now.”

Yet Bush calling the USC “just a god-damned piece of paper” meant nothing to this squinty-eyed fuck, & neither did his pro-active garrotting of habeas corpus … & neither did the documented FRAUD Bush used to gin up a war with Iraq, & neither did Bush’s act of TREASON in intentionally outing a covert op who was fighting terrorism until the GOP deep-sixed her network & her career at the CIA … gosh, that’s some awfully innnnnnnteresting timing there, patriot-camwhore.

You done gots you-all a nigra president, & they just flat-out ain’t jack-shit you can do about it, boy – so suck it up, put away the mic & get your Depends changed.

One can’t just go out and form one’s own grand jury.
We cleared the landing-pad. It goes without saying that the cargo planes will arrive soon.

Oh lordy, this blows serious mongoose-cock … it’s VIDEO, you yut, not Drama tryouts! For the love of Cthulhu, do another take!

Maybe that was his best take.

The music in the background is “Fanfare for the Common Man,” written by Aaron Copland …… who was teh ghey. Should we tell them?

Copland was also a bona fide Lefty, who voted Communist in 1936 and used to hang out with the Seegers. Even worse, Fanfare for the Common Man took its title from Henry Wallace’s 1942 speech “Century of the Common Man,” a locutionary pre-emptive strike against the Cold War that put the American and Russian Revolutions on equal footing. If only they knew…

…and uh oh yea probably best not to approach any of our hard working African- American policeman with your presentments ’cause uh well you know…

I lasted just long enough to hear the music they play during sports commercials, which I see from pauly is an Aaron Copeland piece.

And to watch the old fart in white shoes jerk his microphone up and down and try to sound solemn while announcing breaking news from Bizzaro World.

That might have amounted to 35 seconds or so.

I applaud you with the stomach to listen to the whole thing.

My job is hanging by a thread, but even if I wind up living in a cardboard carton, I take solace in the fact that I will never, ever be as pathetic as this guy.

“We cleared the landing-pad. It goes without saying that the cargo planes will arrive soon.”

But did we make the bamboo planes? Without the bamboo planes the others won’t land!

I… can barely breathe right now.

When did they decide he wasn’t really a state senator?

CSPAN IS IN ON THE OMG CON-SPIRACY! They produced hundreds of hours of fake video of this fake American being a fake senator!