Dip Hop

What do you get when two white guys from Dartmouth who can’t dance, can’t rhyme, and can’t sing make a rap video where they put on their church clothes and spout tea-bagger talking points in imitation black rapper dialect (“Yo we Americans,” etc.)? This:

Hilarious, of course, in the same way that a video of Susan Boyle in a bikini and viking helmet singing a disco version of The Ride of the Valkyries would be. My favorite bit from the lyrics:

Three things taught me conservative love:
Jesus, Ronald Reagan, plus Atlas Shrugged
Saving our nation from inflation devastation
On my hands and my knees praying for salvation”

By the way, when did people start praying away the inflation doggy-style?

UPDATE: Here’s a delicious detail I missed last night. These “yo”-yos did the video in their socks, like all the real rappers do.

socks

 

Comments: 108

 
 
 

Aural rape.

 
 

Aaaaaaand that’s enough white male comedy hip hop for this century.

Sorry Andy Samberg, time to roll it in.

 
 

Obviously they’re praying to that bronze bull on Wall Street.

 
 

Rap’s not exactly my cuppa but holy fuck these guys are bad. And what’s with all the ‘gangsta’ gestures. Do these ofay white boys have any idea how stupid that looks, especially when combined with the lyrics?

No need to answer.

“Three things taught me conservative love
Fur suits, Depends and daddy’s glove
Against perversion, abortion and the jackbooted man
On my hands and knees getting yiffed by congressman”

Yeah, that’s better.

 
 

Man, you white.

“Everyone can succeed because our soldiers bleed”? The mind boggles.

 
 

Reihan Salam gives it two woofs.

 
 

My fave section:

“I’m 6’9 head and shoulder above the rest
Liberals playin checkers, I’m playin chess

My conservative view is drill baby drill
You can say you hate me but
I’m praying for you still

My dislike for thee most def is not hyperbole
Taxes are the subject and I will spit them verbally
I’m just livin life a conservative philosophy
Sorry Hilary not a right wing conspiracy

We need more women with intellectual integrity
I’m talkin Megyn Kelly not Nancy Pelosi

 
 

But it got a lot of hits on YouTube so it must’ve struck a chord with the American people, amirite?

 
 

Aaaaaaand that’s enough white male comedy hip hop for this century.

To finish it off, here’s this century’s worth of white female parody rap.

 
 

“Bob Roberts: The Next Generation”

 
 

As Larry King said, “The problem with rap is, you can’t hum it.”
This is also the virtue of bad rap. Unlike “Still Rock’n’Roll to Me” or “MacArthur Park,” you won’t head off to work or bed humming this crap rap.

Personal opinion: Dartmouth rap, modern rap, equally phony. But they’re going to need much better packaging to make it out of YouTube.

 
 

On my hands and my knees praying for salvation

OMG SECRET MUSLIN!!!!

 
 

Where did they film this? A Liberty U classroom?

 
You Cannot Escape the Truth
 

Sorry, just gotta go off topic here for a minute & vent. I got sucked into an “argument” with the pro-Roeder brigade on my local paper’s site, and I think my head’s gonna explode into a million pieces. And I keep finding myself sinking to their name-calling level and honest, I swear I am a better person than this but these people truly and honestly blow syphilitic donkey dick. If I read “unborn baby” or “baby killer” or “God bless Roeder” one more time I’m gonna reach through the tubes and strangle their pasty white straight male asses.

OK, thanks, I’m a little better now. Thanks for letting me bitch. Carry on with the, what’s this, white neocons rapping? Seems kinda humiliating to me, but being frat boys and all I’m sure they’re used, or ‘hip’ to it as the kids say.

 
 

shit, sorry, 8:12 was me.

FYWP. A lot.

 
 

Yo, dat shit is weak, Homeboyeee. Smoov word to your mother.

Your shit is weak, your rhymes are lame
It ain’t Jesus or Reagan or Rand to blame
It ain’t like you had it, you never got it
next to your white ass, Wonderbread’s exotic

It’s not cool to be a conservative
it’s ain’t hip to be square
God is like your talent
He was never there

Like Reagan’s brain
or Cheney’s heart
that shit was missing
from the start

etc., ad nauseum

 
 

I’m telling ya, Secret Leader Soros is diabolical.

 
Johnny Coelacanth
 

“We need more women with intellectual integrity
I’m talkin Megyn Kelly not Nancy Pelosi”

Heh. You mean Megyn Kelly, the trial attorney? Megyn the journalist, those filthy parasite liberal enablers? Megyn the fill in O’Raly host? The Fox News commentbot?

Yeah. Also, Pelosi has been married to the same man since before Megyaen was born. Paragon of integrity Megin? Not so much.

And Jaysus. Is English their first language? The only way that scans is via inept rap delivery. Dartmouth fucksticks.

 
 

Where did they film this? A Liberty U classroom?

I like the adoring crowds.

 
 

Great. Now I have to put on headphones and blast a combination of white noise and sound effects of cats being fed into a woodchipper just to cleanse that awful, awful track out of my temporal lobe.

 
 

The mutual dream of Stilz and Serious C to play pro basketball didn’t pan out so it was time to get the wingnut welfare career launched. They made the video in a couple of days using free equipment from the school library.

 
 

Your problem is that you’re out of touch with the “street”. The Republicans have been the real blacks for a year now.

Don’t believe me? Ask renowned expert on feminism and negritude Camille Paglia:

Yes, that is the lordly Yale that formed Dick Cavett’s linguistic and cultural assumptions and that has alarmingly resurfaced in the contempt that he showed for the self-made Sarah Palin in “The Wild Wordsmith of Wasilla.” I am very sorry that he, and so many other members of the educational elite, cannot take pleasure as I do in the quick, sometimes jagged, but always exuberant way that Palin speaks — which is closer to street rapping than to the smug bourgeois cadences of the affluent professional class.

God bless these young men who, like our nation’s precious little darkies, are “wording up” to “represent themselves”.

 
 

DARTMOUTH????

Impossible. Can’t Be. No way, no how. My illusions of what the Ivy league is like has suffered before, but now it’s shattered.

University of Phoenix would disown that shit. Oh, I’m using that.

 
 

It helps if you picture these two crying while having clumsy anal sex with each other in an actual closet.

 
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge
 

Johnny Coelacanth said,
June 3, 2009 at 8:23

“We need more women with intellectual integrity
I’m talkin Megyn Kelly not Nancy Pelosi”

Heh. You mean Megyn Kelly, the trial attorney? Megyn the journalist, those filthy parasite liberal enablers? Megyn the fill in O’Raly host? The Fox News commentbot?……..

The only Megyn with a “y” of whom I am aware is Megyn Price, and yes, we do need more like her.

 
Rip-Rappin' Camille Paglia
 

One simply can’t abide the smug bourgeois cadences of the affluent professional class.

 
 

Like Karl Rove said there are plenty of dumb people from the Ivy league.

 
 

I am not going to subject myself to that before going to bed.

Flashblock is a beautiful thing.

 
 

“Great like the Gatsby”

 
 

Megyn Price is a babe. I wish they’d take these white mofos and “ground them for life.” Unfortunately, she might be in this bilge’s target audience, since she was an investment banker in SF for a spell, according to the Stanford newsletter…which added “isn’t everyone”?
The amazing Paglia quote is evidence of academic cog-dis at its most baffling.

 
 

I’m with El CId. These two lines should be the textbook definition of unintended irony :

Liberals playin checkers, I’m playin chess

My conservative view is drill baby drill

One can only hope they try to take this show on the road…maybe to Compton.

 
 

These white guys at least know they are obnoxious.

 
 

Liberals playin checkers, I’m playin chess

They don’t really know how to play chess – they just heard it was a game in which “white goes first”, and that appealed to them for some reason…

 
 

Praying doggy-stylee: Bow wow wow yippie yo ti yay.

Far as Dartmouth goes, I was wondering if these sorts are attracted there by the Coulter & D’Souza influence, as well as The Dartmouth Review or whatever that was.

Still typing, w/ the Shroud of Turin on the front page.

 
 

Sadly, the group appears to have gone their own ways.

 
 

Wait, Jesus and Atlas Shrugged? Don’t those two cancel each other out?

 
Frontline voice-over dude
 

Then in mid 2009 the breadth of the devastation wrought by the Murdochification of the Republican party would clearly manifest itself in the form of a music video. A Rap video produced by two Dartmouth students brought into stark relief the wreckage that had become the “Conservative Ideology”. Like fish flapping on the shore, white bellies drying in the sun, gasping to death, they sang their “Rap” anthem.

 
Ted the Slacker
 

This line is vault copy:

“great like the Gatsby, poppin posers like acne”

Yeah man, nothing rocks quite like a reference to a novel you don’t understand and a gross personal hygiene allusion.

 
 

I was really hoping this was a put-on, because the guys are sorta cute. But evidently not, which is a shame. I do have my standards. They’re low, but I have them, and some people are simply too stupid to fuck.
That said-I actually found the quote from Camille Paglia even worse.What does it say about her that she’s even less self-aware than a couple of lame neoncon rappers?

 
 

I would cheerfully play chess with these fuckers, if only I didn’t have to keep explaining how the knights move, and if I didn’t have to listen to endless dick jokes about the bishop. Besides, the only chess piece that conservatives really understand is the rook.

 
 

I can’t possibly play that video, but let me guess: the rhymes are all done with the same cadence as “Rapper’s Delight,” am I right?

 
 

They do realize that Ayn Rand was a militant atheist, don’t they? And that Jesus would have been a militant Objectivist?

The disconnect, it burns. Fortunately, the stupid is so numbing that there’s no pain.

 
 

I’m sure the Army or Marine Corps could use a couple of fine strapping young patriots like that in Afghanistan.

 
 

Dear God, those people are deeply unwell.

If any of my sons had made a video like that, I’d be having him evaluated for…I don’t know, something. I mean, you have to demonstrate a certain level of cognitive functioning in order to be in college in the first place, right? So clearly something drastic and dangerous is taking place in their brains–something that might be contagious–because why else would human beings suddenly speak and behave and, yeah, think this way?

Someone ought to study them.

 
 

Major Kong-do you really wanna put others peoples’ lives in danger by putting those dolts in their ranks? ‘Cause I can’t picture them demonstrating any competence in…ANYTHING.

 
 

The tall one had a video of himself doing dunks at his parents’ house on a very pretty backyard basketball court (“Dunks with the Bro” he’s since since pulled off you tube )

Typical. Born on third base and thinks he’s hit a triple.

 
 

They do realize that Ayn Rand was a militant atheist, don’t they? And that Jesus would have been a militant Objectivist?

They must mean Jesus, their gardener growing up. He probably introduced them to Objectivism, seeing how popular that philosophy is with both the proles and the petty bourgeois.

 
 

Big Trunk over at Power Line seems to think these guys are the first to use the word “inherently” in a rap song. I wonder how many other rap songs Big Trunk has heard.

 
 

Typical. Born on third base and thinks he’s hit a triple.

Something I read about these guys the other mentions that they both went to some exclusive prep school in Western Mass–tuition over $40k. It has a liberal reputation, but it also spent money to have John Hinderaker give a talk there.

 
 

he, and so many other members of the educational elite, cannot take pleasure as I do in the quick, sometimes jagged, but always exuberant way that Palin speaks — which is closer to street rapping than to the smug bourgeois cadences of the affluent professional class

Hey, Camille, I see you didn’t wake up to a big bowl of Dicks™ this morning. Why don’t you go eat one right now.

Fuck me said the Duchess.

Sarah Palin – their very own Buzz Windrip for the 21st Century.

 
 

In a technological era driven fiercely by the main stream media, those who taut the true conservative message of individual responsibility, moral absolutes, and small government are slanted as intolerant, racist, “bible and gun clinging”, corporate fat cats who could not care less about the environment nor the well being of their fellow man. Being Christian or conservative or a combination of the two is not viewed as popular in American Society. This group clearly proves otherwise.

http://www.theyoungcons.com/

 
 

Major Kong-do you really wanna put others peoples’ lives in danger by putting those dolts in their ranks? ‘Cause I can’t picture them demonstrating any competence in…ANYTHING.

MBA program, dollars to donuts.

which explains much about the state of business nowadays.

 
 

Oh, dear god, that was really funny. At least I’ll be laughing all day.

They should have just done this:

I keep down the the bitches and hos
kickin’ liberal hippies in the nose
chilin wit’ my bros
pressin’ red buttons
blasting them desert hos
straight into the sun
you know you wanna join the fun
of being a Young Con
not “convict” son
conservative man
worshiping Ayn Rand
savin’ precious fetuses
for the Lord Savior Jesus.

Christ, I’m white girl who can put together a half-assed rap better than they can. Have they ever actually listened to a rap song?

 
 

Typical. Born on third base and thinks he’s hit a triple.

and he’s 6’9″, so he only needs a vertical jump of about 12 inches to dunk….

But anybody wanna bet that hoop was less than regulation 10′ height?

 
 

Wait, Jesus and Atlas Shrugged? Don’t those two cancel each other out?

Only if you actually read them….

 
 

Have they ever actually listened to a rap song?

No, other than the times one of THOSE PEOPLE has driven past them with the car stereo turned up.

 
 

I mean, you have to demonstrate a certain level of cognitive functioning in order to be in college in the first place, right?

No.

You just have to have parents with the ability to write big checks.

 
The Tragically Flip
 

You can follow them on Twitter, where you will receive such gems as:

98th most watched youtube yesterday
3:55 PM May 31st from web

behold the might of the right blogistan!

 
The Tragically Flip
 

Ok, here is where I go from laughing to actually very angry:

The inaccurate manifestations of conservatism cloud the real mettle in its core. Flawed politicians lay on both sides of the political spectrum, however, we believe the core conservative principles of Ronald Reagan, Martin Luther King Jr., and arguably Jesus are the flag-bearers of the true conservative movement. Reasons for our belief regarding Jesus and MLK are explained in an article below.

“Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. King was no stalwart conservative, yet his core beliefs, such as the power and necessity of faith-based association and self-government based on absolute truth and moral law, are profoundly conservative. Modern liberalism rejects these ideas, while conservatives place them at the center of their philosophy. Despite decades of its appropriation by liberals, King’s message was fundamentally conservative.” 2

You motherfuckers. MLK a “conservative”? They’re actually shy about calling Jesus a conservative (“arguably”) but they’re going to dare and try claim MLK?

If ever there was an accurate use of the term “whitewashing history” this would be it. Conservatives fought MLK at every step of the way, even up to resisting his holiday, and you can still find references to “pinko” and “commie” in reference to MLK in the right wing sewers.

This is just malpractice as human beings. There’s a way to be a person, guys.

 
 

Yo, Cons. Check it. Little advice for y’all. Using meter in poetry is NOT caving in to the perfidious European metric-system plot. So give it a try…

 
 

Listen up you damn honkies, I’m not sayin’ this twice,
Hatin’ on the donkeys simply doesn’t suffice
‘Cause Reagan wrecked Main Street with deregulation
While the banks took it to themselves rippin’ off this nation
And you can’t put one over on the Son of God –
That homey put the kibosh on Imperial sods
Who were running the Middle East from out of Rome,
And now who’s occupying? Hello!? Anybody home?
Jesus went into the wilderness and shared all his goods
That’s right, he was a socialist! Is that understood?
That’s why Ayn and her drones were all hatin’ on Peter
And the whole Christian Church – cause she scared they’d come and bleed her
And she passed on that fear of us to dopes like you
I’m layin’ it impromptu – you can’t tell false from true
So shut the fuck up or it’s you I’ll be stickin’ it to
Swingin’ both shiny blades from the Ebon Hawk
With my mask down and cape flyin’ off this rock
Bastila, HK and my man Mandalore
It’s Darth R layin’ beats from here to Malachor
LucasArts mixin’ records hardcore

BioWare, Troika/Obsidian pushin’ the lever

J Soule trax; Darth R on the mike
May the Force be with you; peace, out.

 
 

we believe the core conservative principles of…Martin Luther King Jr….

I’m guessing they’ve never heard of the Poor People’s Campaign.

 
 

Dang. Didn’t see that quote about the conservatives trying to coopt MLK – I’d have put in a couple lines about that, too.

 
 

Since they’re citing Martin Luther King Jr. as a conservative, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess they’ve never heard of the Poor People’s Campaign.

 
 

Man, they look like the Geico cavemen…

 
 

Didn’t see that quote about the conservatives trying to coopt MLK – I’d have put in a couple lines about that, too.

MLK done went and died at your hands
something about soldiers in foreign lands

Dammit, brayn need more kaffee

 
 

“But it got a lot of hits on YouTube so it must’ve struck a chord with the American people, amirite?”

They’re laughing at these fuckwits, not with them. There’s a difference. As for the video’s ‘popularity’, I’m sure Hans Moleman’s “Football In The Groin” video would have gotten mega hits on You Tube as well.

“I actually found the quote from Camille Paglia even worse.What does it say about her that she’s even less self-aware than a couple of lame neoncon rappers?”

Baby neocons rappers, at that. And as ever, Paglia’s full of shit.

 
 

I’m officially claiming “Arguably Jesus” as my new whiteboy hip-hop nom de something or other.

 
 

Flavor Flav needs to smack these guys with his clock. Jesus, that’s painful.

 
 

I would dearly love to see Chuck D throw down a video response.

 
The Tragically Flip
 

Of course, the conservative establishment of his day killed Jesus too.

Conservatives, wrong about everything since 33 B.C. *

* – and before that too

 
 

I don’t believe that tall bozo is 6’9″ either. I’m 6’6″ and he doesn’t look taller than me.

 
 

Actually, based on the first vidcap, I should have referred to him as “that needs-to-go-to-the-bathroom-lookin’ motherfucker.”

 
 

So did they sneak into Liberty University’s lecture hall at night while the janitor had the door unlocked? Seriously, where did they shoot this?

 
 

What a pair of douches.

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

Bill Paxton and Michael Rappaport suck as rappers

 
 

Lots of hits because I show it to everyone I can, although most people think it’s some kind of parody.

And as a white guy, I would like to assert that we are not all awkward and lame like these dorks are. I mean seriously, did they actually look at this before they posted it?

 
 

Martin L King speakin’ ‘gainst the Man
Workin’ to keep our kids from dyin in foreign lands
Cracker boy took his rifle, shot MLK dead
Now ghoul Repugs grab and twist what he said
GOP oughta sush what they sayin’ are not-sos
Them muthafuckas need a big bowl of snotchos

word.

 
 

sush = shush

need moar kaffee

 
 

Aural rape.

That’s the only word for it. And visually it’s no walk in the park either. Oh, it’s great fun and all, until you get to 2:54 and the hideous reality hits you like a kung fu attack of shitty dancing.

 
 

As for message, its just a recitation of Conservative “badges” – Miss California, not Pelosi; Jesus not Allah, lower taxes not spending, this not that. Team politics reduced to its essence.

 
 

Janitors come ’round your work, cleanin’ up your shit
MLK spoke out for them ’cause their wages wasn’t fit
Repugs can’t respond to him, a rifle shot’s all they manage
Now they assrape his corpse on blogs for their political advantage

 
 

in re. the horrible Paglia quote:

a) The ‘street rapping’ quote is a perennial favorite of Djur’s and mine;
b) Paglia spent the election up until the Democratic campaign going ridiculously over the top smearing Clinton in Obama’s defense, and then evidently popped a permanent lesbian boner over Palin. In light of her record, quelle surprise.
c) Paglia’s schtick actually involves haranguing academics for being stupid, out of touch, monolithic, ideologically stulted, etc. Especially vicious about feminists of any stripe; she is to women as David Horowitz is to Arabs.
d) She wrote this, and many other trenchant pieces, for Salon. Jesus fuck.

 
 

Clearly the conservative movement needs to stick with Chuggo as their rap messiah:

 
Rusty Shackleford
 

Chuggo has anger issues.

 
 

Damn…that is naught but the depths of massive suckage. I thought it was a joke when I first saw it (linked from Jesus’ General site, IIRC)…but those sniveling morons are SERIOUS.

(C)rap is bad enough without THIS pile of fetid, steaming, moose turds. Signing off to listen to some Levon Helm…

 
 

What I really, really, really, really, really (etc.) don’t get is the thug posturing–the poses, the expressions, the “yo” and all that.

How astute do you have to be to know that they’re co-opting the gestures and poses of people who created rap and hip-hop in explicit repudiation and detestation of people exactly like them?

I mean I know we say “conservatives” live in a dream world. But this tops everything. It’s like Nazis singing about Aryan purity in the form a gospel spiritual or a klezmer lament.

It’s a pathological kind of obliviousness. Unless, of course, it’s meant as satire. Does anyone think it is? Sadly, no.

 
 

Mr. W,

I’d say it’s satire, but it’s satire satiricising the reaction that they knew they’d get.

 
 

By the way, when did people start praying away the inflation doggy-style?

That’s how Reagan and Jesus teach young boys conservative love?

 
 

Epileptics: BYOP

 
Socraticsilence
 

Born on third base, think they hit a triple
aint got shit they didn’t suck from daddy’s nipple.

 
 

It helps if you picture these two crying while having clumsy anal sex with each other in an actual closet.

Did nobody notice that Dayv won the thread with this?

 
 

I have never been this glad to still have dial-up. There’s no temptation to watch this – all right, there IS a temptation, but I can resist it.

I knew guys this like at university, though – the phrase ‘monsters of privilege’ comes to mind.

 
a concerned citizen
 

StuffWhitePeopleWhoThinkTheyreOppressedLikeBlackPeopleLike.com

 
a concerned citizen
 

a permanent lesbian boner over Palin.

I believe the technical term is “ladywood”.

 
justsomelurker
 

Did Michael Steele have something to do with this?

 
 

I believe these may be the two lamest fucking people on the planet.

“Crap” is too elevated a description for this.

 
justsomelurker
 

RE: Camille P’s phoned-in contrarian agitprop, I find it interesting that someone who was always attacking establishment feminists for being stuck in the ’70s is still peddling the same old crap everyone thought was so daring in 1992. But hey, she just noticed last month that right-wing talk radio peddles a lot of nutty conspiracy theories about Obama! They were so sane and measured before, especially about the Clintons.

 
 

those who taut the true conservative message
The inaccurate manifestations of conservatism cloud the real mettle in its core.

Theyoungcons.com need a dicktionary.

 
 

J Neo Marvin & Andy Axel-
Forget Flavor Flav and Chuck D…I’d settle for VANILLA ICE giving these guys a smackdown.
Which, sadly, he’d be able to do.

 
 

I see Andy Samberg and JT are still looking for the right follow-up to “Dick in a Box.”

 
 

And now I’m thinking of this video as “Dicks In Their Socks.”

 
 

I haven’t watched the video, because I’m busy imagining it. For some reason, MC Hammer comes to mind…

*doobie doo dee do – dee do – dee do*
“Can’t watch this.”
*doobie doo dee do – dee do – dee do*
“Can’t watch this!”

 
Pope Disturban the Vth
 

Ms. Paglia: Didn’t we go through this with George W. Bush back in 2000? Turned out that no, he wasn’t “Folksy” and “Plain-spoken”, he was just an incoherent dingbat with a limited vocabulary.

 
 

Such manly men!

 
 

Dickerson –
Doing manly things in manly ways – with men!

 
 

they’re no MC Rove

 
 

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