College Republicans: The Most Oppressed Group in America Today

OK, this is just too funny:

Though Christopher Flickinger calls himself “dean” and poses in parodistic photos waving a small American flag and looking stern, he says he’s never been more serious about eliminating what he claims is pervasive anti-conservatism on college campuses today.

First of all, that’s the most poorly-written lede I’ve ever seen.

Second of all, you guys may remember Mr. Flickinger from his gig regular columnist for Renew America and Human Events Online. This op-ed best exemplifies the quality of his work:


Monkey see, monkey wanna do

Christopher Flickinger
April 6, 2005

Bare butts, plenty of drinks and wild animals ? no it’s not spring break, it’s a science experiment. Researchers at Duke University just released a study that shows monkeys like to watch pornography.

When given the choice between a highly rewarding behavior or sex, the monkeys chose sex. Each male Rhesus monkey was offered a choice. It could view photographs of another male primate low in the chain of command, and as a reward, receive an abundance of its favorite juice. Or, it could look at a female monkey’s behind and receive no juice. The choice was easy. Each monkey preferred staring at the female’s butt.

And really, who wouldn’t prefer to stare at hot monkey ass? OK, so most of us wouldn’t, but this sort of thing really seems to get Chris off.

What can we learn from this study? Maybe women are right. Males are just a bunch of big, dumb apes. Or maybe this research gives us new insight to an old expression that needs updating: “Monkey see. Monkey wanna do.” Or perhaps this study tells us something much more valuable when it comes to human behavior: some of us really do act like monkeys ? more concerned about the pleasures of sex than we are about pursuing a more rewarding behavior.

Indeed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been ridiculed for turning down sex because I wanted to drink a glass of juice instead.

In other words, the message liberal groups want to send to our children goes something like this: “Kids, don’t have sex. Wait! Go ahead and have sex, but when you do it, make sure you use some sort of protection. We like the ultra-thin condoms by Trojan. They just give it that certain special something and really enhance the sensation. Oh, we almost forgot, here’s a copy of the Kama Sutra. Page 37 has some really unique positions for your limber and youthful bodies. Have fun at the prom, drive safely and make sure you call when you get there.”.

Chris, please stop fixating on teenagers’ youthful, limber bodies. You totally sound like a pervert.

At any rate, it used to be that people like Chris were considered far too wingnutty to be taken seriously, and were thus relegated to ranting about socialism and begging for spare change while standing on some inner city sidewalk. But now, thanks to the miracle of FOX News and other crackpot media outlets, Chris can have his voice broadcast to Americans everywhere. Lucky motherfuckin’ us. OK, let’s get back to the FOX story:

“When I was on campus, I had no help,” the recent Ohio State University graduate told “I was harassed, intimidated, shouted down.”

“Were it not for that plum Heritage Foundation internship, I wouldn’t have had the strength to go on!”

Flickinger, schooled in broadcast journalism, said he wants to provide the support he never had as a lonely conservative in college. That’s why in November he launched the Network of College Conservatives to act in part as “a link for these conservative students, to let them know they are not alone.”

Yes, it’s tough being a campus Republican. Sure, you never have to work a day in your life because your father’s gonna get you a sweet job at his oil company after graduation, but those left-wing professors are just so darn mean! Plus, there’s constant pressure placed on the poor souls to smoke the mary-joo-wanna and have sex against their will. I can’t imagine the stress they’re under.

Running the Web site solo from his Pittsburgh, Pa., home, Flickinger said he wants the network to be much more than a shoulder to cry on.

Yes, it’ll also be a tissue to masturbate on. Let’s hear it for right-wing circle-jerks! Boo-yah!


Comments: 39


Whoa whoa whoa.

When given the choice between a highly rewarding behavior or sex-

These are different things?

And since when is some juice considered “highly rewarding? I mean, this study might be on to something if these monkeys chose porn over actually having sex or something… but seriously, juice?


Jrod- like I’ve said, I’ve turned down sex for juice plenty of times, and I always get ridiculed for it. I’m just as oppressed as the college Republicans.


Didn’t Brendan Behan make a comment to the effect that Ireland was the only place a man would crawl over a dozen naked women for a pint of Guiness? To quote a noted law professor, disturbing if true….


I’ve been to this guy’s website before! He’s awesome!
The man is a parody of himself. A sick, sad, repressed joke.


It isn’t prejudice against conservatives on those campuses, it’s against pompous assholes. Same thing, you say?


For bonus points: Check out the hate mail section for the most hilarious picture you’ve ever seen.

I swear it’s a joke like he can’t stop laughing at the people reading his website.


God, I hate fox. Did you read the whole article? Its scary. The best one (and the one I can’t believe you didn’t reference) was the “limbaugh babies” who had “grown up with rush on the radio” and therefore (get this) had “critical thinking skills”!!!??!!? and would not be just taking what their liberal professors said at face value. CRITICAL FUCKING THINKING SKILLS? RUSH LIMBAUGH LISTENERS? OH, DEAR APOLLO, RETURN US TO RATIONALITY!!!!


Didn’t Brendan Behan make a comment to the effect that Ireland was the only place a man would crawl over a dozen naked women for a pint of Guiness? To quote a noted law professor, disturbing if true….

Posted by: Cameron | December 28, 2005 07:44 PM

Well geez, if I just spent a couple of hours slowly crawling over some firm, well-oiled young naked women, I’d probably need a pint afterwards too. In fact, I’d buy a pint for everyone in the bar so they’d have to stay and listen to me go on and on about it. 🙂


Blaming unpopularity on one’s political beliefs at a school with 60,000 Young Middle Americans is what one would call a quiet tragedy of self-delusion.


I know this is outside of any logical argument against the “Dean” and his mighty mission, but what is up with those bizarre pink cheeks?


Ladies Pinch, Whores use rouge, I think we all know which one the good dean is.


Is it just me, or is he doing the “Le Tigre” pose? Or is that “Blue Steel?” He _can’t _ be doing “Magnum.”


Seems like the “Dean” could find some real books to have his picture taken in front of. Obviously, he does have books just for the pictures.

But, oooh…he’s so stern-lookin’. Can’t ya just hear him…”Who’s ya daddy?


“Hot monkey ass”.

Aren’t they playing this weekend at Guido’s in the Village?


I don’t think he was lonely in college because he was a conservative….


That Flickinger does not consider sex to be a “highly rewarding behavior” tells you everything you need to know about him and others like him.

Not least of all because sex is not a behavior but an activity, so the comparison does not work.


College Republicans are certainly the gayest group in America today. Girlfriend Lickfinger should be sunbathing with Ricky Martin.


If this guy finds it necessary to pit “potentially rewarding behavior” AGAINST sex, he’s got problems.


Maybe he was thinking all those law books would give him some much-needed gravitas, but to me, that pic is just begging for the following soundtrack:

“Have you been injured? Credit card debt piling up? Gay civil unions damaging the institution of YOUR marriage? The lawyers of Christopher Flickinger & Associates can get you the settlement you deserve. We’ll get you the juice without being distracted by porn. That’s Christopher Flickinger & Associates. Yes, it’s an L and an I, not a U. Call today, 1-800-SUE-4YOU.”


A more topical question this time: the monkeys could look at the heinies of females, or be bribed to look at bottom-of-the-totem-pole males, right? So, I looked at Flickinger, where’s my freaking juice?


How can I knock the college Republicans? After all, the college Republicans in NYC were downloading songs from my CD, “Right-wingers Need Love Too! ” and blasting them from car stereo speakers in front of pre-’04-election Michael Moore and Hillary rallies before it was considered cool to do so.

But that’s not the only reason I love them. I would never love anyone for narcissistically gratifying or opportunistic reasons alone. They are the future pillars of this nation, and they represent the last vestiges of core conservative values in America. In short, college Republicans, you rock!


Brad/Timmah 420 – I just wet myself laughing. What a wanker!


I thought the thing that made America great was you could drink juice AND watch porn?


This young man got some poor counseling — he should have gone to Orel Roberts U. or Liberty U. He’d’ve been as happy as a dittohead drinking a fresh 40oz there.


Well, I don’t consider sex a innately highly rewarding behavior- potentially highly rewarding, certainly, but hardly a slam dunk (stop it, dirty minds, I know what you’re thinking!).
I’d rather, say, watch a football game and drink (picture and juice for men) than wank off (though the act of sex itself may warrant reconsideration). I would crawl over the bodies for a pint, so sue me.
The college political apparatus’ tend towards “annoying” on both sides. The CRs moreso, since they are among the most obviously hypocritical.
Where I am, they’re the most sadistic frat boys and preppiest bastards on campus (though the CDs are close behind on the preppiness though there is a fair amount of poseur hippyness, which is almost as irritating)


Hee hee. You said “flickinger,” ya filthy bastard.


Well, I just happen to respect Mr. Flickinger a LOT for setting up a site where college Republicans can look at low-ranking male monkey butts without scientists bugging them about it, and offering them juice.


“I don’t consider sex a innately highly rewarding behavior.”

It is when you do it with me…



Oh, no! It the return of the poor, beleaguered College Conservatives! Poor babies! Interesting, they are, simultaneously in their minds, also a hefty majority of the population. But, they’re still persecuted and lonely. Odd. Must be their milquetoast personalities.


He’s so shiny! Is that tie actually in style or is it from, like, 1975? Also the well groomed eyebrows and dimply chin. I think sombody’s been photoshopping…


Indeed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been ridiculed for turning down sex because I wanted to drink a glass of juice instead.

Brad, is this why you keep refusing to bear my child? I just haven’t offered you *a glass of juice* yet?
Oh, if only I had known…


Besides, who says you can’t have sex AND juice? Is it somewhere in the Bible?


“I don’t consider sex a innately highly rewarding behavior.”

OK, I’ve been holding back, and teasing all of you with this for far too long. It’s time to release the tension. This is my right-wing rockabilly re-mix of “Great Sex” Can Ruin Your Life, featuring my best Bush Sr. imitation on lead vocals (and I don’t even have to try to sound like him).

And just so you won’t say this blawg dawg never threw you a bone on this Christmas season, pay attention to the final line of the song: “Just say “Sadly, No!”. Simply cut and paste the link below. It’s a free mp3, what have you got to lose but your auditory virginity?

“Great Sex” Can Ruin Your Life
(The Right-wing Rockabilly Re-mix)
words and music by Dr. BLT, (c)2005


It’s been theorized that Mr. Flickinger is a troll on Eschaton that goes by “The Dean”. He’s about as clever as one would expect, and is mocked accordingly.


Actually the Flickmeister went to Ohio University, NOT Ohio State. I see Faux News has their usual sharp fact-checker on the job!





Agh! Caps lock!!


Dr. BLT: To quote the fatrobot, “Eugh! mine ears!!!”


Have you seen his Thank You page?

The Network of College Conservatives would like to thank the following companies, organizations and contributors that make the N.C.C. a success:

God ? with whom all things are possible

I can tell you one thing, his website wasn?t intelligently designed. And I just love all the ‘Advertising Space’ blocks all over the front page.


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