Oh, the Things You Can Learn from Reading NewsMax

NewsMax has an exciting new ad up that promises to teach me how to impale people using “knives, pens, pencils… even paper clips!”


I naturally wanted to learn more, so I decided to click the link. Here’s what I found:

How To Instantly Inflict Devastating Damage From 20 Feet Away? Using Nothing More Than A Paperclip And These Viciously-Easy ?Power Throwing? Tricks Developed By The Smallest Former Combat Expert To Ever Scare The Living Crap Out Of Entire Biker Gangs, Skinhead ?Attack Squads? and Every Black Belt Jerk Who Ever Dared To Make Fun Of His Size!

I gotta admit, this is a pretty brilliant business plan. See, most of the time when you sell people bogus products that don’t work, they’ll bitch and moan and demand their money back. But in this case, when some idiot decides to test out his newly-acquired martial arts skills by attacking a gang of skinhead bikers with fucking paperclips, he’ll just end up dead and you’ll never have to pay back a single cent. Like I said, brilliant idea.

Wait – it gets even better!

Better than killing people with paper clips? My God, man, how?!!?!! YOU MUST TELL ME!!!!!!

You can learn these “unbeatable” skills in an afternoon? and use them to be LETHAL with a knife, and truly SCARY with anything else you can get your hands on? including keys, pencils, broken glass and literally hundreds of other items that will always be around when you to TAKE SOMEONE OUT from across the room…

Wasting motherfuckers from across the room WITH MY CAR KEYS!??! It’s my innermost dream! Tell me more!!!

Here’s one hell of a brutal “fight-solution” for you.

If your life is ever threatened by an attacker? no matter how big, mean, and ugly he is? I want you to throw a standard paper clip ? just like the one pictured here — and embed it deep into his forehead from 16-feet away. I assure you? He’ll Run Like Hell? And Won’t Dare Bother You Again!

Booooo! I don’t want him running!!! I want him dead!!! I want him impaled with every piece of inventory from OfficeMax’s on-line catalogue!!!!

No? I haven’t been drinking. Give me a chance to explain.

I’ve just got my hands on some very exclusive info on the lost art of “power throwing”? and I want to share it all with you. It’s the real thing and this may be the last time you hear about this! So please? read on.

Here’s what this is about: I call this power throwing? a “lost art” because there’s just FIVE masters who understand this – and four of them are either dead? in prison? or just won’t talk.

In other words, it’s impossible to corroborate that such techniques even exist. Am I surprised? Sadly, no, as they say…

So you simply can’t find this anywhere for any price.

And that’s why he’s selling you a DVD about it for $97.

But now I’ve arranged your one chance to know these secrets. You’ll discover how to throw and stick anything – even objects that seem absolutely harmless ? with power? precision? and “dead-eye” accuracy.

“Sure, your wife will be terrified of ever having sex with you again, but at least you’ll be able to gouge out peoples’ eyes with a #2 pencil!”

I’m talking about easily impaling targets with a fork? wooden stick? pen? pencil? car antenna? plastic stake? butter knife – damn near anything you can find lying around. You’ll even learn how to instantly create your own “improvised” throwing weapons (practically from thin air) – and get them to stick into your target across an entire room!

“It’ll be a smash hit at parties!”

Because the benefits of knowing exactly how to “take care of business” from across a room will infuse itself into every part of your life. The fear you may have felt around overbearing individuals will actually disappear? friends and family will suddenly notice a quiet, sure-footed gravity around you? and you’ll suddenly possess an Alpha “presence” that unconsciously gains instant respect from others.

Because nothing garners respect like impaling people with office supplies.

You just don’t want to miss out on having this kind of personal confidence and power.

Because now you can fire off a pen from your top pocket and impale him before he gets close. Or use a simple paper clip? piece of silverware? chunk of wood? whatever YOU choose to pull from your bag of tricks.

“Yes, you can WHIP OUT any long, firm object from your pocket and use it to PENETRATE DEEP into ANY PART of someone’s body!!!”

You’ll suddenly have the SAME advantage of a .357 – without the legal hassles and without the risk of having your weapon fall into the hands of your attacker.

Having this information in your “arsenal” is as powerful as? Carrying Around A Cocked And Loaded Gun

Really, can this get any more Freudian?

It’s that big.

Ah. I see that it can.


Comments: 67


Sounds perfect for all those blowhard conservatives from whom you never hear outside of the internets.


Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I’ll tell you something my lad. When you’re walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come crying to me!


Sounds like something straight from Real Ultimate Power. Course, real ninjas don’t need paperclips, cause they just pop like a million boners and FLIP OUT!! Ninjas can kill anyone they want!


Why do I get the feeling that Largo is behind this…

“Sharp, pointy sticks! Why can I never find any?!”


But Wait — There’s MORE!!1!! at TRS Direct’s Main Page! And remember, I am SO not making these products up:

Killer Instinct
Why are men who hunt professional killers doing all they can to spend ONE HOUR with this guitar-playing streetfighter from LA who HATES TO FIGHT?

Rosetta Stone
So here?s the bottom line: If you EVER plan on winning a fight against another human being? you?d better understand the secrets ? the ?missing link? in your knowledge ? of what happens in a real altercation.

Instant Edge
If you’re cool with learning all-new grappling secrets (never before revealed to civilians) that will allow you to crank thick necks, choke massive bullies out, move through muscle like butter to snap bones and rip tendons as you end the fight within seconds of hitting the floor… then you’ve GOT to see this jaw-dropping new stuff!

We have recently discovered a “scientific” fighting system that is so effective, you will be able to knock senseless anyone who confronts you ? no matter how skilled they are at fighting ?within 4 to 6 seconds!

Plus FUN other products like:

How to Build a Streetfighter in 40 Hours
Real Cage Fights, Real Blood
Brutal Submissions
Brutal HeadBustin Secrets
Savage Street Fighting
R.A.T. Interactive Fighting System
Filthy Jailhouse Fighting Secrets

More HeadBussas than a Lil’ Jon music video!
Oh, and Brad, you forgot the best part of Fight Fast on what happens if you don’t contact the seller with payment:

So it comes down to this: If I don’t hear from you within the next 11 days…
I Will Simply
Destroy Your Package.

It’ll be gone forever.

Nope, no Freudian Marketing there at all!


Okay, that’s it. I believe the good folks at NewsMax have officially declared themselves perfectly willing to fight in Iraq. Let’s ship ’em out.
I’ll spring for the paperclips. Maybe they can make some body armor out of CD jewel cases, too.


Brad, this was the creme de la creme. I am so gonna execute my whole workplace at the slightest provocation. Thanks Newsmax!


Sounds like a book I once read, I think it was called “Shibumi”. The guy killed people with the edges of match books and shit. I wish I had thought of ripping it off and marketing it to the rubes.


My new filing technique is unstoppable??

(I should link, but i’m lazy, google it)


Hey, I’ll bet it really works! If you throw a paperclip with some funky ju-jitsu scream across the room at a crazed biker, he just might laugh so hard as to incapacitate himself. THEN he’ll tear off your arms.


If you EVER plan on winning a fight against another human being? you?d better understand the secrets…

But I wanna learn how to beat kitties. Their spiky claws, razor-sharp teeth and fishy breath are always victorious whenever I engage in battle with them. Are kitties invincible against paper-clips?

And on that subject, what if you?re in a life-threatening situation (or you?re just bored and feel like killing a group of people) and you don?t have metal paper-clips? Will the plastic, neon-coloured type suffice?


Hey now, this is a “scientific” fighting system. You know it’s scientific because it has “quotation marks” around it.

Please, Mr. “Power-Throwing” TRS — can you teach me how to immobilize my foes using only quotation marks? Or exclamation points? Cause the latter sounds really, really pointy.

And in a pinch, could I use a comma with an attitude?


Don’t these ads say volumes about the typical NewsMax reader, that they are creepy losers with serious self-esteem problems as well as issues with anger control.

LA Confidential Pantload

Well, I tried following the links and I wound up at the site of some dude calling himself General J. C. Christian and promising to teach me classical Spartan wrestling.


Don’t these ads say volumes about the typical NewsMax reader, that they are creepy losers with serious self-esteem problems as well as issues with anger control.

Yessiree. A far cry from the typical super-manly Republican. Have you seen “Do You Make These Mistakes With Women?” It’s about 10 times as funny. World O’Crap satirized it a while back.


Brad, thank you for this find. This is a pure comedy gold mine. I haven?t stopped laughing…

And you know it’ll all work in the “real world” because Bob “sticks” his weapons into thick slabs of beef “rump roast” (stuffed into a pair of Levi jeans)

…this will scare the living hell out of any “back-up” friends who may have been planning a classic “gang-bang” attack.

Bob Taylor is just 5 feet 6 inches tall, and maybe 140 pounds soaking wet (on a good day).

Plus Bob shows you the simple “scraping” trick to throwing glass shards bare-handed – with NO chance of cutting yourself.


newsmax’s product sales make it the Sharper Image of the shortbus set.


Good gawd almighty!! That’s all we need…wingnuts with paper clips. OOOOH! Scary.


These people scare me, btw. And not in the way I think they mean to.

I wonder if they’ll teach you how to immobilize your bleeding and helpless would-be-attacker with Scotch Tape?


This is only available to the “best of the best” TRS hotlist customers ? which I’m happy to say you’re one of.

Must be a helluva list. Pretty much…um…anyone who’s ever seen the internets. I feel so special.


I realize the movie “Daredevil” bombed, but enough people DID see it to realize the whole “impale a skinhead biker in the head with a paperclip” is totally ripping off that movie.

Basically you pay $97 and they send you the Daredevil DVD and a bunch of comics that feature Bulls-Eye.


Mmmm… plastic steaks!


Yes Brad, I also thank you so much for striking comedy gold. This was a big help after my clusterfuck of a final exam.

The articles are even worse than the product descriptions — and there’s at least 50 of them to snark!
Por ejemplo, Brutal Submissions:

That’s right… prepare yourself to discover (and MASTER) the most ruthless… savage… hellish… and unforgiving moves you could ever use
— starting with…
* Leg locks that nobody ever expects!
* Wrist locks that feel worse than being stabbed to death!
* Chokes that will knock out anyone (of ANY size) in seconds!
* Neck cranks that will make a BIG guy cry like a baby!
* Strangulations that end the fight right now!
* Muscle stretches that cause unbearable pain forever!
* Tendon poppers that nobody can withstand – not even 300-pound muscle-bound monsters! …and much, much more!

I’m surprised Matt “Sexual Kung-Fu” Furey isn’t in on this one — he can make a fuckin’ fortune off the Internet like CEO of TR(a)S(h) Direct Robert Pierce!


Does this thing have anything to do with the bald guy humping the floor in the ads on some of the more popular conservatarian websites?


What, nothing about the Spanish Inquisition? Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

[What a show!]


You’d think Marie Jon would have something too. I mean, with her ninja-like puctuation skills and all….


Watch out for Republicans bearing purple fingers.


Why am I reminded of the “Star Wars Kid” video that made its way around the Internets a couple of years ago?


Uh oh! Somebody notify the TSA. We need a ban on paper clips, pens, and pencils on airplanes. Also, make sure the CIA tracks down any brown person who orders the DVD and throws them into one of our East European gulags.


Sorry to inject a note of seriousness, but the animator Tex Avery lost an eye after a colleague flicked a paperclip at him.

I don’t think it was in self-defense, though.


Why does this remind me of the boys in high school shooting spitwads using Bic pen cylinders? I’m guessing the “technique” of impaling office colleagues with paperclips from across the room involves rubber bands.

I’m thinking that aerial bombardment is possible using paper airplanes. The variety of attacks involving office supplies is limitless as long as you can get the key to the storeroom.


This is definitely the type of post I’d find in the best blog in the 251-500 range. Good job, and congratulation.

Norb, I’m surprised at the staying power of floor-hump guy. That must be a pretty popular technique in the conservative blog reading market niche, or else it would have been replaced a long time ago. Who knew?


So, you “take out” someone from across the room with your car keys and then…

How do you get home?


Anyone who says you can learn to fight by reading a book (or watching a video) is nuts. There’s only one way to learn to fight – by fighting.

Hunter S. Thompson’s classic “Hells Angels – the Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gang” goes into some detail on this phenomenon, and concludes that someone who’s never been hit will always lose to someone who has. The person who’s been hit knows what to expect, so being hit isn’t a particular shock to them. Someone whose fighting experience comes exclusively from reading books and watching videos doesn’t have the same advantage.


Magician and sometime actor Ricky Jay wrote a book in the 70s called “Cards as Weapons” in which he too explained the art of throwing a playing card into a watermelon. Maybe Ricky Jay is the only one of these masters not in prison. CAW sells for over $100 on ebay so I have not read it, but someday I will and you all better watch out.


“Power Hurling” indeed!

And the Myth-Busters took on the card-throwing one, and a card can, indeed, be hurled into a slab of meat up to at least 1/4″ (if you have the 150-mph automobile-tire throwing machine they used).



LOL Ed- I saw that one.
Norb – I think it is the same company, I shudder to think theres more than one of these stinkers
This whole thread reminds me of an old classmate I had once. This guy took Tai Kwan Do, Karate, you name it. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was reading exactly those types of books. (16 secret CIA grapples, How to kill a man with a pencil, that sort of garbage). He was allways claiming that noone should fuck with him because he will use his special palm technique and shatter your “nose bone” into your brain, causing instant death.
Anyway the point is that one day, to show off I guess this guy went up to the biggest guy in my group at the time (me) and starting swinging wildly and threatening his palm move out of the blue, his palm hovering a foot or two from my nose, looking for the kill.
I literally picked this guy up and lifted him over my head then threw him into a bunch of bushes.I think he ended up pissing his pants too.
These are the kind of people that buy and read these books.


I think he ended up pissing his pants too.

So you pissed your pants first? 😕


This is the kind of person who reads these books.

Sample exchange:

Tim Canterbury : We were wondering if a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow?

Gareth Keenan : If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me.

Tim Canterbury : What if he was coming, really hard?

Gareth Keenan : Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah.

Dawn Tinsley : And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind?

Gareth Keenan : Either ways easy.


I pissed my pants just reading it!


Geez! Timing’s everything in comments, isn’t it? LOL


All right Timmah! Bush-whacked him, huh? Some guys are wierd like that. I ran into one who was drunk at a kegger once. He was trying to pick a fight with anyone he could. I deftly avoided him. The next thing I knew they were throwing him in the back of his car. Must have finally found a taker.


Somewhere, biologists, physics professors, and physical trainers are trying to avoid death by laughter at these moves perfected on late ’80s-early ’90s fighting video games.

…and then they just go ahead and bawl over laughing, with someone to give CPR at the ready, because this is just that stupid.


Yeah, the guy i’m talking about was a real morbid weirdo too. Black trenchcoat and everything, liked to fancy himself some sort of tough guy. Must be a recessed gene or something. They’re all over.
SZ – Buy my 2 special hour long brutal fighting dvds where I show you the secrets of using bodily secretions to get the edge in combat!Includes over 10 tips on urination trajectory, power piss your way to victory. Along with my patented fighting handbook, “Coffee, Tea, or Beer, what instills more fear?” Don’t just sit around and think about this! Order TODAY!


If that doesn’t work do what a guy told me some time ago: “If you get rough, I’m gonna bleed all over you.” We both laughed.


theo, that was a very good point.

You brought the whole back-and-forth to a head with your penetrating wit.

or whatever you kids are calling it these days.


Timmah, it took me weeks to get the needles from those bushes out of my jacket.

you bastard.


because there’s just FIVE masters who understand this – and four of them are either dead…

Am I the only one who finds this statement hilarious?

I mean, did these five guys just teach themselves this, or were they taught by somebody? And if they were taught by somebody, shouldn’t that somebody be in the list too, since we’re counting dead people?


And I want to know if the dead ones were killed by people with paperclips sticking out of their foreheads.


If you don’t have Cards as Weapons, try to catch his act, “Ricky Jay and his 52 Assistants,” should you ever be lucky enough to be a town where he’s performing. Seeing him throw a playing card and embed it in a watermelon is pretty fucking impressive.


I’m sure it is, but even with that amount of throwing power, I find it hard to believe that it would cause anything more than an annoying flesh wound. Which (If I were the attacker) would righteously piss me off and extend that asskicking indefinately.


Just tear their arm off and beat ’em with the bloody stub…


Je vais t’arrachais[sic?] ton bras, et battu avec le but qui sang!”


My favorite tale of this nature occurred when I was in college. I stopped at a convienience store for beer, and ran into a guy I had known in junior high while several friends and I were on our way to a New Year’s Eve party. He had nothing planned, so we invited him to come (note: DO NOT invite someone who is hanging out in a 7-11 and has no plans at 10:00 pm to your NYE party!)

John proceeds to get rip-roaring drunk (2 beers), and of course, he’s one of your belligerant drunks. He starts getting real aggressive, and says he’s going to find the biggest guy at the party and beat him up.

Well, unbeknownst to John, standing right behind him is Christos, who was about 6’8″, had to be about 380 lbs. Nice, quiet, bookish guy, but John did not know this. Christos tapped him on the shoulder and quietly asked, “What did you just say?” John looked up at him and replied, “Uh, I gotta go!” and took off.


He’s also a recognized “Chi Master” – at an infamous Soldier of Fortune convention, he drove a steel rod through his forearm, tied it to a new Ford Mustang, and dragged the car 287 feet… without blood, without pain, without scarring. (Don’t try this at home.)

I’m trying to find the part about being able to support the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir on his erect penis.


You mean I could sell my copy of Cards as Weapons to some suc…er, fine young jedininjarangerturtle for $100? What a great country!

My funky aunt gave me that book when I was a lad. My friends and I amused ourselves for hours chucking cards at each other. I dare say we got pretty accurate at five paces, but I regret that not one of us ever managed to draw blood with a palying card. We used rocks for that.


Timmah, Oui, mais je ne parle francais. Et vous un Canadian qui mange le caribou?


In the U.S. we say: “where’s the beef?”. Dites-vous: “ou est le boeuf?” I say: “where’s the caribou?” Dites-vous: “un est le caribou?”.


BTW, mi espanol no es bueno, le francais est impossible.


Of True Wood, Of Yew Wood

Well, this ought to be fun. Thanks, sweetie! Last week, in between gift shopping and whatnot, I went into Adventure Outdoors. It’s a local hunting store, selling enough handguns and rifles to arm the county, along with enough camouflage…


Bob Taylor originally was a skilled fighter I’m not sure if he just sold out or if he lost his mind entirely

Armando Vincenzo O'Reilly

You tough little left-wingers go ahead and laugh all the way to your Hollywood parties. I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank with my next release….”How to instantly neutralize people like Molly Ivins from across the river with simple, everyday objects like a ’71 Mustang’s rear differential or Tecumsah Sno-thrower”. I’ll be featuring it in American Spectator online in a few months. We’re currently testing other potentially deadly objects like those pesky subscription cards that fall out of magazines. Our Beta testing results of the cardboard tubes from a roll of paper towels were, sadly, not impressive.


Screw the paperclips. I’m sticking with RexKwonDo. Proven after two seasons fighting in the Octagon.


I don’t believe you can learn to embed a thrown paperclip in someone’s head by watching a DVD, but while I was in Japan I did see my friend flick a cigarette butt across a motor highway. And although he was bald I never saw him dry humping the floor.


This is why http://www.bushidodvd.com was created! So you could RENT these videos that make outrageous claims about what you will be able to do after viewing them. Bushido DVD spends the $97 so its members don’t have to! Brilliant.


So what happens when big, mean, and ugly 600 pound gorrila man pulls the Q-tip out of his ass? whip out the bobbypins!


these poeple also claim that you will take poeple out with bike spokes?
and clothes hangers?AND paperclips? somehow I doubt that ILL be attacked while hanging clothes, disassembling bikes OR clipping together letters you dick heads DO YOU WANT ME TO BE KILLED?


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