Can’t somebody else do it? Part deux

Thanks to reader Tim, we bring you these shorters:

Shorter Diana Lynne — The silence over Terri

I don’t care how tired you are of hearing about the Zombie Schiavo, I’m keeping this story alive, did you know she went thirteen days witho-. I AM NOT OBSESSING!

Shorter Robert Knight — The abortion-homosexual connection

Homos cause abortion.

Shorter Guy Adams — The battle against Christmas

I am ARMED and trained in the use of bold, italics, underline, and embedded pictures, with extreme prejudice! Although this puts me above nearly all the renewamerica writers, I still sound like I’m wearing a tinfoil hat!

Shorter Wes Vernon — We are at war–hello?


And just so we don’t appear like total slackers, here is one of our own: Shorter Wall Street Journal Editorial — Condi’s European Torture

If you ask us, the only person being tortured these days is Condoleezza Rice, who is being forced to listen to Europeans complain about stuff.

Bonus shorter, take II:

Since some people knew about those secret prisons, that proves they weren’t secret. So there.

Shorter concept inspired by busy, busy, busy, originally launched by Daniel Davies at D-Squared Digest with the original Shorter Steven den Beste. Disclaimer copied in part from busy, busy, busy.


Comments: 43


“If you ask us, the only person being tortured these days is Condoleezza Rice, who is being forced to listen to Europeans complain about stuff.”
Shouldn’t it be pansy-ass Europeans?


Even shorter Condi:
“Yeah, we’re torturing people, but our people approve, and there ain’t shit you can do about”

(For added effect, read while listening to Dennis Leary’s “I’m an asshole”: You know why? Cause we got the bombs, that’s why! Two words: Nuclear Fuckin’ Weapons Okay!?)


Knight’s article was really informative. I never realized that Sun Tzu lived to 180.


Boy, Knight’s entry is a doozy. I totally agree that we ought to protect the sacred definition of marriage – so when do we get to start doing hate crimes against divorcees and single parents? That totally jives with my religion!

Speaking of hate crimes, fundies are so good at disguising intent with euphemisms (more on that in a minute) but they don’t even try with this one. They just say they’re against hate crime legislation. Because, you know, Christianity is based on committing hate crimes against people you *think* have sinned. Jesus was all over that aspect.

Now about euphemisms – pro-life is a really stupid one. I have this conversation more often than I would like to:
Person: “I’m pro-life.”
Me: “Don’t you mean anti-abortion?”
Person: “No, I’m pro-life.”
Me: “Oh really? So, how much do you hate the death penalty?”
Person: “Oh, I love the death penalty. If we even suspect someone of being a criminal, its really only just to kill them.”
Me: “But you’re a pacifist, right?”
Person: “Ha,ha, yeah right.”
Me: “Okay, well surely you disapprove of prisoners being tortured to death?”
Person: “Hey, whatever it takes to get reliable info out of them.”
Me: “Wait, you do know what ‘life’ means, don’t you?”


Hey, I found you guys a new supermegagigantowingnut.



And the conspiract widens now that Macy’s claims to have been founded in 1858, several years after “A Christmas Carol” was originally published and sold. Tell Guy Adams!


Gotta love Diana Lynn admiring the guy she says “trolls” AOL and inexplicably meets with hostility.

Yeah. Trolls indeed.


Gah! I leave for a day or two and i’m on the front page again, I can’t leave you boys alone for a second. Holy shite 130 posts on the fucktardification of america, looks like i’ve got me some reading to do.

That’s what I get for straying from my office and actually doing some blue collar work I guess.


Homos cause abortion.

Well, he’s got that partially right. It isn’t “homos.” It’s “homo.” AKA, me. Yes, it’s all my fault, and my only regret is that I didn’t manage to dupe all these wingnuts’ parents into offing them while they were womb-babies. Even the ones born before I was.


**Off topic news flash**

Hey all you Limp Bizkit thread fans: Dan is back! He has returned to the “Worst Song of All Time” thread to gallantly uphold the honor of his favorite band. Head on over and give the guy some easy targets to blast. (paging Bistroist, Marq, and Timmah420, please come to the lobby…)


Marq, have you considered getting a superhero outfit and declaring yourself to be The Militant Homosexual Lobby?
These people need more than a strawman. They need a strawman who dresses the part.


Hi, my name is Dr. BLT. I’m a trollaholic.


Can I be Marq’s sidekick? I shoot super-AbortoRays out of my eyes, and my trademark weapon is a wire coat hanger…


I guess the Right Pastor Swank will have to be the arch-villian. He has the power to stupify any redneck in his presence, turning him against his own best interest. His favorite weapon, oddly enough, is also a wire coat hanger.


Oh, so you’re trying to say, with not-so-sublte hints, that I have hang-ups?


BLT, lose the aholic & u got it right.


Don’t let the fucktardification thread die… Can’t you hook it up to a feeding tube or something?


mr. x, I didn’t know you were pro-life. You’re just full of surprises.


From the Diana Lynne piece:

“Instead of the happy squeals and vocalizations the brain-damaged woman was known to utter…”

Great. Terri Schiavo should have been kept “alive” so she could gurgle for us.


Jesse Jackson, where were you when they were demanding that she be crucified? No, you didn’t even pull a Pontious Pilate. You were right there with the rest of us right-wingers. God bless you for that. I can’t speak for the rest of my fellow right-wingers, but as for me, you earned a lot of respect on that day. You just said no to left-wing groupthink!

Bazz, where do you suggest we draw the line? What is a meaningful life and what is a meaningless one, not worth living? Why don’t you define that for all of us. While you’ll at it, why not just change your aka to “God”?



I got no idea where to draw the line, nor do you. The problem was that Michael Schiavo was forced by tragic circumstance, like thousands if not millions before him, to actually draw that line, and he did so. And then he and his family got shat on by a bunch of people who were ordered not to approve of his line-drawing. And it all kind of went downhill from there.

I wouldn’t wish to define a meaningful life, either, but I’ll humbly suggest that the mere fact that a columnist with a political agenda has diagnosed the noises somebody’s severely brain-damaged body makes as “happy” is not clear proof that that somebody is leading one.


Even shorter Diana Lynne:

“I’m so fucking blonde, it hurts…”


Dear “God,” I’m glad we’ve made that point clear, but there are two sides to this story, not just your version of poor Michael’s “back-against-the-wall-forced-hand” account. He had moved on to start a new family. According to the other side, she was his albotross, so, you know what they say: Out of sight, out of mind.



“[Michael Schiavo] had moved on to start a new family.”

So what?


Bazz, hence, a possible motive to pine for her crucifixion—the need to get rid of the albotross, so he could really move on, and not have to look back, thus running the risk of turning into a pillar of salt.


The fact remains that, as Terri’s legal guardian, Michael had the right to determine her disposition. He did so, and was supported in his decision by Terri’s doctors. That should have been the end of it. Instead, a bunch of religious wackos decided to make a federal case of it; which they lost.

It’s past time to drop that matter.


BruceH: Don’t bother to show thy face. To my first name, thou dost bring disgrace.

Do you put Jesse Jackson into that category of “religious wackos”? How about her grieving family, connected to her by a more enduring nexus, than the ex-marital “bond” (or should I say “bondage”)of ambivalence—that of her own flesh and blood.


Dr. BLT,
You discern a great deal from limited information. Pro-life? What is that? Some kind of relative, neo-con dogma? Are you pro-war and pro-fetus at the same time? If there is life after death I bet Terry Schiavo is haunting her parents right now.


Let me start by saying “Hello, mr. x.” No, pro-life is just pro-life, supporting a culture of life. No, I’m not pro-war. I am against war. In an ideal world, I would be against all war, but Iraq, under Saddam, took every UN agreement as a big joke. Sadly enough, for ruthless dictators like Saddam and terrorists, war seems to be the only language that is understood. Innocent people end up getting killed and that is tragic. War should never be used as anything but a last resort, when all diplomatic efforts have failed. As for your last comment, only heaven knows for sure, but I’d be more likely to bet on the prospect that she is haunting the ex who gave her the axe.


Hello Dr. BLT! I get confused when I hear pro-lifers support the death penalty & such. I know this is no utopia & wars happen, I just wish we didn’t start this one. I can’t really speak for her (Terry Schiavo), but if someone did that to me on national tv I would damn sure haunt their entire family for ten generations.


Oh, for Chrissakes. A family “bond” is about genetics. That’s it. It means fuck-all.
You can persist in your happy little world where mommies and daddies always have the best interests of their children at heart, but it just ain’t so.
Nobody chose their parents, okay? Meanwhile, we choose our mates, however flawed that decision may or may not be.
So I’m just going to assume that the person you *chose* to be with is the person who should be making decisions about you if you can’t make them yourself.

If any of the fuckwits I happen to be accidentally related to tried to get involved in a decision that God forbid my mate or mates had to make, I would definitely be haunting their asses after I died.
And yes, that would hold true *regardless* of the decision my mate or mates made.

Here’s the thing: some of us looked at that whole mess and thought it was a sad and deeply private affair that should not have been anybody’s business but those who the law said it was. We would have said that if his decision had been to keep her alive forever, too.
Because it wasn’t the decision itself that we cared about–it was whose right to make it.
And insofar as it affected us at all, it affected us because it meant that our own choices might not be honored.

Some others looked at it and vilified the man because he made a decision they didn’t like. It wasn’t about the law at all. It was just about the decision they didn’t like. And how on earth does that decision at all affect you?
If he’d decided to keep her alive, none of you would have said a word against him. If her family had wanted to carry out what the courts said were her wishes, they wouldn’t have been so sainted anymore.
So where’s the principle in that?
You only get to make a choice as long as it’s the right one?

Honest to God, BLT, get help. At this point, you’re just engaging in public masturbation here.
We don’t exist so you can stroke your ego by reminding yourself you’re better than people you don’t know.
Get help. I mean it.


Mr. x, just for the record, I’m against the death penalty. I’m a right-winger, but that doesn’t mean I’m into right-wing groupthink.

D. Sidhe, folks who are married to each other, and in love, usually have the best interest of the other party in mind when they make decisions. After divorce, everything changes. Sure, many couples try to be friends. Few succeeed. Once a marital bond is severed, and a person moves on to become romantically involved with another person, like Michael has, they often begin to act only in their own, selfish interest as it pertains to their ex. It’s sad, but a fact of human nature.

If a family bond means nothing to you, it is a sad commentary on you and your childhood, and I say that strictly as a concerned blogger, leaving my profession at the door of this site. It would be inappropriate for me, a licensed clinical psychologist, to use this type of forum to formulate and then offer a definitive clinical opinion about you, so allow me to speak in general terms. For personal, emotional, and spiritual growth to occur, a family bond is absolutely essential. If is the very foundation of mental health. Most psychological disorders can be traced to a significant lack in familial bonding, especially as it concerns parent-child bonding. In human terms, familial bonding is everything. Do I need to get help? Yes, Sidhe, we all need help. It’s abonormal for someone to be born into such a neurotic society and not to need help at some point. But the issue of whether or not I need help has nothing to do with my views on Terri Shaivo. If you can’t live with the fact that there are two sides to this issue, and if you can’t tolerate someone that doesn’t share your point of view, then you are a very closed minded individual. I’m not going to tell you that you need help, because it’s not my place, especially to say it in the very arrogant and condescending way that you said it to me. But I would recommend looking at your blog entry above as if it were a mirror, and then asking yourself if this is the person you really want to see looking back at you.


Did you miss my point on purpose?

Family consists of two types of people:
Those who choose to be together, and those who are accidentally together.

You may or may not have a fine relationship with the ones you are genetically related to.
You are more likely to have a good relationship with the ones you choose to be with.

Possibly this is why the law recognizes, as in that case, the right of the spouse to make decisions if you are unable to do so yourself.

And yes, my family is composed of fuckwits. That’s what happens when you get family through a “grab bag” option.
My partner, and my mates and housemates in general, have generally been more than satisfactory. That’s what happens when you get to select family based on things you know about them, and they get to do the same with you.

And Doc? You get what you give. Your whole gig here has been arrogance and condescension cloaked in faux humility of the “I’m sorry I was mean but you started it” variety.
My self-image doesn’t hinge on how I treat the intolerant, oddly enough. And nothing you’ve ever said here has led me to believe that you’re anything other than intolerant.

For the record, if we’re talking about mirrors, you seem to have your own problems seeing two sides of any given issue.

So I tell you what, Doc. I’ll stop being condescending when you stop being a simpleton.

And yes, I ought to just ignore you, and I’m quite ashamed I responded to your trolling. But I’m still ahead of you in that I’ve vowed to ignore you three times, and you swear to go the hell away on average that many times a day.

Gavin and Brad: You have no idea how badly I miss my killfile. I know you two think this guy is funny, but damn


Now that I understand a bit about your dysfunctional background, Sidhe, I’m going to go much easier on you. I knew there was an explanation for all the pent-up rage you’ve been projecting onto me (please excuse the psychobabble).

Are you forgetting that Michael first chose to be with Teri, then he chose not to be with her, and then, in the end, he chose NOT TO BE WITH HER! Second, though blood is thicker than water, familial bonding, and choice are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Abandonment is always an option.

And BTW, Sidhe, I can stop a lot of things, but, sadly, I can’t stop being a “simpleton.” It’s a “G” thing, you know–it’s genetic.

Finally, I accept your expression of shame as the only way you know how to apologize to me for stooping so low (in this case, under the bridge) to converse with a stale sandwich a dim-witted doc, and an intolerant, troll made of ticky tacky. As for the “killfile” comment, that makes two near-death-threats I’ve received at this site. You’re really adding to my credibility as a bona fide martyr. If I can’t come across as intelligent, I’m determined to at least become RightWingRoadKill for Jesus! God bless you, Sidhe, I forgive you for your hatred.


BLT – He moved on with his life and started seeing someone else after years of taking care of Terri, and he most likely moved on, not because he dislikes his ex-wife, more likely because she had become a brain dead, drooling meat puppet, with no chance of rehabilitation, which was proved by her autopsy i might add. Her fucking cerebral cortex was gone BLT. Nothing but a fucking brain stem, allowing her autonomous functions, that were mentioned (ie: “happy” gurgling ect) Do you have any idea what the long term health outcome for someone as brain dead as terri was? I’ll give you a hint, it doesen’t involve much of anything that doesen’t involve tubes and various fluids.

I’d also like to mention that for someone who acts like he “gets” it and legitimately cares for what amounts to a amounts to a husk of a human, a shell, you’re missing out on the grand tradgedy here, this woman collapsed after she starved herself on a crash diet, a potassium defficiency likely causing the heart failure, say doctors. I think then, we can assume that image was something that mattered to this woman, she was likely very self conscious. So, if she’s floating around in the afterlife looking at all this, don’t you think she’d be horrified that all these republican assholes did everything short of hoisting her lifeless body off to a presidential speech, so they could fix the camera on her, claiming her various gargles are approving of the GOP’s new culture of life, the one where a poor single mother can’t get an abortion or food stamps, yet we rain chemical fire down all over a country of people that, when you think about it, did nothing to provoke our ire.
I’m getting literally sick thinking of the real injustices here. Unless you’re working on some elaborate joke, blt, you oughta be ashamed of yourself.


Well said, Timmah.

As far as apologizing, I wasn’t apologizing to you, Doc, though if it makes you feel better you may certainly go ahead and believe whatever you want. I was apologizing to anyone else who was reading this comments thread.
One other thing I’ve noticed about you is that you’re determined to misunderstand anything anybody says. And knowing that, I should know better than to try to argue with you even when I’m baffled that anyone could actually hold the views you’re espousing.
So, my apologies and shame were directed at anyone else with the misfortune to stumble across what amounts to a pointless schoolyard spat.

As far as death threats go, apparently you *can’t* stop being a simpleton.
A killfile is a computer program. Do you seriously think it has anything to do with killing, as in murder? Are you that stupid? What the hell do you think a firewall is, Doc? What do you think people mean when they say they’re reloading? Are you that clueless?

Honest to Gods, mental health professionals are some of the most annoying fucking people on the face of the planet.
I’m swearing off them for New Year’s.
Troll away, Doc. There’s just no damned point in talking to you at all. You don’t understand a damned thing anybody says if you don’t *want* to, and I’ve got better things to do with my time.


Sidhe, I was joking about the “killfile.” You seem to take everything so seriously. Do you honestly believe I thought you were trying to threaten my life? Well, coming to think of it, the thought did cross my mind, but you have to admit, you come across as an extremely hostile individual. Why do you seem to despise me so much? What have I done to you other than express the other side of an issue? I’m not going to hate you for being so insulting towards me because I figure that the rage you are directing towards me is an accumulation of years of rage you have felt towards various individuals in your life. And you’re demanding that I get help? Please!

Timmah, I must admit, your passionate depictiion certainly helped me to see the other side of the issue a little more vividly. However, wouldn’t you agree that your conclusions, like mine, are shaped, in part by what each of us chooses to read and the role that our own personal biases on the issue may play when we are interpreting what we read? The fact is, there are conflicting accounts, even by medical professionals who examined her. Nobody, but God, really understands the existential aspects of her situation, or the way she was experiencing the phenomenon, or whether or not she had any capacity whatsover to appreciate and value her own life. The main thing I was trying to do was to point out the slippery slope involved in human beings determining for somebody else whether or not that person’s life is worth living. It can become such an arbitary, subjective path to follow. Though in this case, there can be a compelling argument made for what happened with Terri (though I do not agree to that argument), playing God can lead to individuals being put to death for for less and less compelling reasons as time goes on. It’s not paranoia. It’s called incrementalism, and it is a very real phenomenon and a real threat to the future of American culture.


Let us not forget, if we are to open up the Terri Schiavo debate (again!) about Sun Hudson. While Terri was in a vegetative state which she had asked not to be maintained in, and thus, really only died by her own, deferred wishes, little Sun wasn’t in a vegetative state, but couldn’t breathe on his own. He was taken off his respirator because of a Texas law signed by then Governor George W. Bush that allows hospitals to discontinue life support EVEN IF THE PATIENT WANTS IT CONTINUED if doctors say there is little hope of recovery, and the patient can’t pay. Unlike the Schiavo case, where the patient had requested at an earlier point in her life not to be maintained on life support, little Sun’s mother begged them not to kill her baby. In spite of the fact that the mother was too poor to pay for care, and Sun was born with such severe birth defects that doctors were undoubtedly correct that he wouldn’t survive long, even on a respirator, it’s my belief that removing him from life support against his mother’s will was just… monstrous. And yet, where were all those pro-lifers (and, for that matter, Jesse) that had held vigil for Terri when this little baby lay dying? I don’t suppose it had anything to do with the fact that Terri was white, and Sun was… (wait for it!) black?


Doc, if you’re gonna pretend to be stupid, you can hardly object if people believe it.

I was going to spend some time explaining why I don’t like you, based on things you’ve said here. But then it occurred to me that A) I have better things to do with my life, B) it’s probably pretty clear to most people assuming they give a fuck which I can’t imagine why they would, and C) you don’t care.
You just want more points to argue with so you can keep playing passive-aggressive martyr.

Buddy, if you must burn at the stake, gather your own damned firewood.

I’m going to go fold a whole bunch of origami cranes to appease my shame for getting sucked into your rhetorical games once again. And the next time I find something you’ve said unutterably stupid and think you can’t actually believe that, I’m gonna do the same thing. ‘Cause you get off on this shit, and I may be a slut, but I’m not your blow up doll.


D. Sidhe: Don’t be too hard on yourself – we’ve all been there. But you’re right about one thing. That troll doesn’t deserve to be fed. I wish he’d go back under the bridge and stay there.


First, they came for the dead people. And I said nothing, because I was alive.



celticgirl, you sound like my mother sending me to my room without my dinner. I kind of like it though, so please don’t stop starving me, or suggesting that others starve me.

Sidhe, I understand your shame. You feel that you have foolishly thrown your pearls to the swine. if you have experienced my admittedly perverted form of Socratic dialogue as anything but intellectually stimulating, cognitively invigorating, and oddly entertaining, then I have failed miserably in my efforts to enhance your life. I apologize. Why don’t we just bury the hachet, and become blogging buddies? Please consider my way of extending an olive branch to you. C’mon, now, how about a truce? I now I hold to some beliefs that shock you out of your mind, but left and right should be able to co-exist in a harmonious way. Why can’t we all just get a song? I know it goes against everything inside of you, Sidhe, but I urge you to begin reaching out to right-wingers. Start today, with me. It’s still not too late to make this Tolerant Tuesday.


Good morning Sidhe! Yes, Tolerant Tuesday has come and gone, and you have not responded to my initial offer. But I have just as much love and forebearance in my heart as I did yesterday, and so, I’m proclaiming this Welcome Wednesday!
Welcome, Sidhe! It’s never to late for you and I to patch up our differences and become friends. Consider this new Christmas song of mine a second olive branch that I am extending out to you:

We Need Love
(Underneath our Christmas Tree)
words and music by Dr. BLT (c)2005


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