An Open Letter To Clifford Asness

If you’re going to attach a name to ‘chutzpah’, it seems appropriate that the name is ‘Asness’. A recent whinge by AQR Capital Management honcho Clifford S. Asness, Ph.D is making the rounds in the wingnutosphere, with the usual suspects crowing about the supposed left hook Asness delivers to the Obama administration’s Chrysler bailout.

Long story short, Asness is pissed off on behalf of his hedge fund cronies because Chrysler bondholders are going to have to take a bit of a haircut, that they maybe might avoid if the administration were to let Chrysler go into bankruptcy. But now this Obama fuck has the audacity to upend the traditional, orderly process by which the workers get screwed in favor of Wall Street, and Asness isn’t having it.

The lenders have got expectations of a certain return on their money, see? Bankruptcy proceedings would put the bondholder contracts at the front of the line when the remaining Chrysler assets are divvied up, ahead of the autoworkers, who also have contracts, but more like ‘contracts’, if you know what Asness means, and I think you do.

So here we are, with the world melting around us and a $12 trillion hole blown out of the middle of the economy by guys like Asness. And so I thought I’d write my own open letter to Mr. Chutzpah:

Dear Clifford S. Asness, Ph.D,

I am writing to alert you to your fiduciary duty to suck my fucking cock. It seems that you are under the mistaken impression that Wall Street types such as yourself are allowed to open your mouths and say things again. I assure you that this is not the case, though it has been several months since you destroyed the global economy and pushed the world to the brink of a total meltdown.

I understand, however, that it may be difficult for you to shut the fuck up and never say anything ever again. Which is why I am prepared to ram the full shaft of my cock and a portion of my balls down your throat, lest the desire to say words about topics tempt you again.

I feel it is important for everybody to be helpful in these difficult times.

Sincerely, D. Aristophanes


Comments: 30


“Yet, somehow I don’t think the hedge funds will be following ACORN’s lead and trucking in a bunch of paid professional protestors soon. Hedge funds really need a community organizer.”

Michael Steele to the courtesy desk. You have an important phone call.


Now that’s an example of full throttle teabagging!

Porlock Junior

I.e., pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, eh? Proper treatment for the hedge fund guys, if you can stomach it, though I guess the stomach isn’t exactly what’s involved.


So many ways to say “Waahh-Wahhh-Wahh”, so little integrity.

The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge

Hadda be a Norwegian! Allow me to apologize for this fucksack. And Karl Rove, while I’m at it. (I assume Grover Norquist is a Swede because of the “qu” instead of “kv” but I know old-fashioned spellings are rife in proper names, so I’ll pre-emptively apologize for him, too.)


[channeling Bevis & Butthead] His name is Asness!!!


I.e., pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, eh?
Is it wrong to imagine the Latin-lesson scene from Life of Brian, but with that as the graffito?

Wikipedia: Latin is an exact language for obscene acts.
There had to be some reason why the Vatican persists in its use.


i swear i’m crying in awe with the beauty of this post. i thought words couldn’t do that to me anymore.

thank you sir.


I agree, it’s a thing of beauty. That letter deserves a Pulitzer.


I have a secret plan, which is much vicious and devious: let’s destroy this punk the way we did with Miss California, by digging up some embarrassing info of personal nature about him… I just have no idea what it could be, though… any ideas?


Hedge fund folks can suck their own dicks (or tits, as the case may be).


Beautiful, succinct, powerful. Four stars!


You’d be doing him a favor. A rich twat whining “No faaaaair!” during an economic crisis is a rich twat begging for a sudden hail of bricks and bottles. Just make sure you double bag to avoid a case of Massive Douchbagitis.


Marry me, Mr. Aristophanes.


Shorter Assitude:

Leeches want more!! NOM NOM NOM


Porlock with the Catullus!!!!!!


Just read that out loud to a friend. She was wondering what I was cackling about. Genius, that was!


Nadly so!


Did Godlstein, J. write this? All this cock slapping, its enough to make one long for some protein wisdom, it you know what Jeff means. And I think you do.


Nice one, D.


Well said.


Watch out, dude – chances are he’ll take you up on it, & before you know it, you’ll be singing soprano in the local ER & he’ll be digesting your man-bits & going right back to singin’ those Spoiled Man-Tart Blues before they can stitch you up.


ZOMG, Porlock! I had completely forgotten that piece from my Latin poetry class some (cough cough!) years ago.

My professor told us that when he was in college, his Latin professor translated those lines as “snag ’em and gag ’em”, which spurred him on a quest to find out what they actually meant. He finally found an old French (or German?) commentary on Catullus hidden away in the library; using a French dictionary, he finally managed to puzzle out what Catullus was doing to those other guys.

And now you can just link to Wikipedia and get “face fucking”…kids these days just don’t know how easy they have it! Why, back in my day, we had to do research and go through two languages just to get to “bugger.”


Good ol’ Catullus.


I’m totally on board with the cock ramming thing, but I have to call too much when you include the balls. We Democrats believe in spreading the wealth around, and I think the least you can do is save your balls for some teabagger.



You think that’s crazy, wait until the litcrit people find…


The fact is, you can make sun of teabagging if you want, but We The People are in the vanguard of protecting human rights and the consitution, not you faggoty left-wingers, so shut up.


You think that’s crazy, wait until the litcrit people find…

That might actually be a good thing. they’d get lost in the maddening halls of TVTropes and never come back to bother us ever again…


That letter made my morning. I needed that chuckle.



Funny, in the same set of posts you guys make fun of Asness for pretending to over-dramatic courage, yet also, and not just in one post say things like “let’s destroy him” and he’s “begging for a hail of bricks and bottles.”

Seems like you’ve made his point for him quite nicely.


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