I Give Up

Via Crooks & Liars, we have this groundbreaking financial report from FOX News:

Is the “war on Christmas” hurting your portfolio?

Holy crap. I feel like irony has attached itself to my face and has started laying eggs in my stomach. In a couple of days, its offspring will burst out of my torso and start singing, “It’s like raaaaaaa-eeeeee-aaaaaaaain on ya wedding day!”

Pray for me.


Comments: 17


The War on Christmas is good for military contractors. The Patriot Missile Reindeer Defense System is built by Raytheon and Lockheed, so those two are probably good buys.


I think it’s important to recognize that Alanis Morissette’s mind operates at a much higher level than the rest of us. Her song, by listing things as ironic which are not, in fact, ironic is itself ironic… meta-irony. Behold the genius!


Yeah, I really do think.


Yes, the War on Christmas IS hurting my portfolio. (Thanks a lot for starting this war, Fox News!) So, I guess it’s time for some war-on-Christmas profiteering – I plan on buying up the nation’s crucial tinsel supplies, and then selling them at a big profit to the government. Plus, I think we should emulate Prescott Bush and trade with the enemy – which is either the ACLU, Bill O’Reilly, or the Chinese who make all that crappy stuff for sale at Wal-Mart. If any of them want to trade, them should give me a call.


Now that’s the spirit, s.z. And what Christmas is all about…the embodiement of spirit, holy or otherwise.

..Now, pardon me while I pur?e a puppy in sacrifice to Ba’al.


Is Jesus’ war on the moneylenders and temple boutiques hurting your portfolio?

Join the Pharisees in their plan to get the economy back on track. Send your scrolls of support to Pontius Pilate at Roman Headquarters.


(Pssst, avian flu vaccine. You heard it here first. Well, actually, you heard it from Rummy first, but he was tryin to keep it quiet.)


Render unto O’Reilly that which is O’Reilly’s. Or better yet, just render O’Reilly. Sweat the lard off him in a big pot, then use it to make Christmas fruitcakes.


all I need is a knife


A nice young woman just came to my door with a cheery little elf hat on proclaiming la Grande Guignol?e de No?l!

…I ate her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti *slurpy noises*

…ok, that’s too evil, even for me. I gave her a 20.


Cowalker, that’s brilliant. I may steal it for future IRL use.


Behold, I read to you from Supply Side Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount….

“Blessed are the bear marketers in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of increased P/E ratios. Blessed are they that hold, for they shall be comforted with steady returns. Blessed are tax sheltered investments, for they shall avoid inheritence taxes for thy offspring. Blessed are those who hunger for increased currency market trading opportunities, for they shall see new investment horizons open for themselves. Blessed are those who read the full prospectus before investing, for they shall recall that past performance is no indication of future returns.”


without (need of) comment:

The “war on Christmas” is being fought in town squares across the country. But is it legal not to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ? We’ll get the legal lowdown from FOX News legal analyst and criminal defense attorney, Craig Mitnick.


Ken, I’m speechless. I clicked on the link you included, and was surprised to find that you had quoted the above from the Fox site. Seeing as I have unfortunately have failed to watch Fox News since the invention of the television, I did not find out if it is legal to not celebrate Jesus’s birth. Any updates?

I also would like to know what I have to do to celebrate properly. Is it enough to purchase massive quantities of crap for my friends and relatives (did that), or do I have to believe, in contradiction to the bible I might add, that Dec. 26 was really the little guy’s birthday (uh oh).


Can these folks possibly be larger drama queens than they already are?


The War on Christmas has been great for my bottom line. More accurately, it is actually a police action (Operation Polar Freedom). As the manager of a private Holiday Security firm (ElvenStorm) that provides the mercenaries, I mean, the contractors that keep order in Santa’s workshop, we’ve never been busier. Although the boys sure have been going through lots of strings of electric lights and jumbo candy canes, um, interrogating some of those uppity elves.


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