Shorter G.W. Bush Iraq National Strategy Document

“Our basic strategy to win in Iraq is to defeat the bad guys and make
everything super-great there, like we’ve been doing.”

[.pdf here]

Satire just clutched its temples and keeled over with an aneurism. Are official policy documents supposed to look like they were written by smart undergraduate business majors, with whole sections built of nested bullet points, and headings like, “Failure is Not an Option”?

Bradrocket adds: We’re doomed, people. D to the iz-oomed. Take a look at some of the bullet points from G-Dub’s Iraq National “Strategy” Document (h/t: Sadly, No!):

Failure is not an Option:

-Iraq would become a safe haven from which terrorists could plan attacks against America, American interests abroad, and our allies.

You mean it’s not already? Try telling that to the Jordanians.

But wait! Here’s the best one:

-Middle East reformers would never again fully trust American assurances of support for democracy and human rights in the region — a historic opportunity lost.

I agree that promoting human rights in the Middle East is a historic opportunity that we can’t afford to lose. But unfortunately, we’ve already lost it:


Comments: 26


Oh. My. God. Did you see Bush’s defninition of “long-term victory?”

Longer term, Iraq is peaceful, united, stable, and secure, well integrated into the international community, and a full partner in the global war on terrorism.

In other words, we’ll be out of Iraq sometime in the 23rd Century.

This fucker needs to be impeached. We can’t take another three years.


I know; it’s stunning. Kevin Drum is all like, “Bush needs to set some military goals and keep the politics to a minimum.” I wonder if he’s read this thing yet.


“Well-integrated into the international community?” Meaning what, they’ll be better behaved than the U.S. under Bush?

Frankly, this reeks of frightened desperation. When they don’t even think to try and rely on 5-second soundbites, they know they’re in trouble. And this “plan” isn’t going to help any.


page 5: “With resolve, victory will be achieved, although not by a date certain” …Is fucking Swank writing for these boobs now?


Under “Failure is Not an Option:”

Iraq would become a safe haven from which terrorists could plan attacks against America, American
interests abroad, and our allies.

Allies…I’m really tired of the Republic of Palau and Eritrea getting central attention in global security concerns all the time.

Anyway, I saw bulleting and fonting and assertive use of bolding and italics replacing meaningful communication back when the first version of Harvard Graphics came out.


Slightly Longer G.W. Bush Iraq National Strategy Document


But actually, failure isn’t an option. How about, ‘Failure is a Certainty?’

We’re tight with Pitcairn Island still, no? Or have we pissed them off as well?


as an aside….

i’d love to see someone hack one of those talking bush dolls with one of those old talking barbies that would say “math is hard”……


We’re tight with Pitcairn Island still, no? Or have we pissed them off as well?

No, you’ll never lose the Pitcairnese. They’re America’s “bestest friends 4 evah!”


If bush baby hadn’t wiped his ass on that list of our allies we might be able to get some help with those naughty tehrists in Iraq. Now he only talks to his canon fodder, er, I mean constituents.


“The politics of failure have failed- we need to make them work again!”

Kang (or was it Kodos?)


There’s nothing quite like Microsoft Word ticks to fill me with confidence as to the competence of the author.

I was skeptical, but a tick next to a phrase that began “We expect, but cannot guarantee…” really convinced me of the uncertainty of the venture.


The chick in that photo looks kinda cute.

… I’m going to Hell.


Why, with all those checks, it allmost seems as if that stuff is allready accomplished.
Guess we can finally declalre victory and retreat now.


“Failure is Not an Option”

followed by

“The Enemy Is Diffuse and Sophisticated”

I guess it all depends on what your capitalization of is Is?

which begs, if we can’t have grown-ups, can we at least have middle-schoolers?


The Security Track in Detail…………………………………………………………………18

The Economic Track in detail……………………………………………………………….22





I love how the Bushiez continue to cherry-pick the “intel.” In the speech, Bush read the “If you’re reading this, that means I’m dead”-letter of a dead soldier who was oh-so-rah-rah about the war… except… as usual, Shrub’s speechwriters left out certain inconvenient details. They truly have no shame.


Marq: I wondered about that…my spider sense told me there was definitely more to that story than was being presented. Leave it to the presichimp to leave out the real reason that poor kid got killed. Third tour of duty indeed *sigh*


this paper was obviously written with special formatting for the chimp-in-chief. big paragraphs make chimp sleepy.


I can just hear the yes men and sycophants that extrapolated this “plan” from one or more of Shrub’s speeches, “Ok let’s see here, turn bullet points on right away, indenting, assertive use of bolding, voila!”
Except Bush’s boys wouldn’t dare say anything as french as Viola… Maybe “Get er’ dun” or something.


As Shrub’s approval ratings plummet into the high 20’s, the RNC, in a fit of desperation, releases a campaign-style TV ad to try and bolster Chimpy’s image. For music in the ad, they choose the song from “Toy Story 2,” “Woody’s Roundup”:
[commercial fades-in with shots of the ranch in Crawford. Secret Service agents scurry about like ants]
Woody’s Roundup
Right here every day
Woody’s Roundup
come on, it’s time to play
[quick cuts of Abu Ghraib atrocities]
There’s Jessie, the yodeling cowgirl
[footage of Condi in her $3000 shoes]
(yo-de-la, you-de-la, yo-de-la)
Bullseye, he’s woody’s horse
[it’s Rummy at “impromptu” press conferences at bases in Iraq and Afghanistan]
(grrr…he’s a smart one)
Pete the old prospector
[Cheney, sneering and snarling]
and Woody the man himself
of course
[Dumbya, looking clueless, natch]
It’s time for Woody’s Roundup
He’s the very best
[animated chart of rising deficit]
He’s the rootinest tootinest cowboy
[war footage, white phosphorous victims]
in the wild wild west
[back to Crawford and fade-out]
Subsequently, Preznit Sous?’s approval drops another 7 points.


Failure is not an option?
Victory is the only option?

How about “Resistance is futile” from the Borg manual of planetary defeat?


The chick in that photo looks kinda cute.

… I’m going to Hell.

Posted by: Shiznit | November 30, 2005 10:40 PM

That’s OK Shiznit, I’ll meet you there. I thought exactly the same thing!


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