But it is such a sad and strange thing to see America — America The Great! — do something so crazy as to elect this ridiculous man.’

You can tell I am real, and not a…how you say? Figment! Yes, a figment of some asshole’s imagination, because I speak in a whimsical and old world way, much like one might see in a motion picture, though never in your so-called real life.

But it is such a sad and strange thing to see America — America The Great! — do something so crazy as to elect this ridiculous man.’

You can tell that I am not just some…how you say? Figment! Some figment of an asshole’s imagination, since I speak in a delightfully whimsical and old world fashion, such as one might find in a movie, though never in…how you say? Ah yes, real life.

It was a beautiful April afternoon in Paris. He walked me back to my hotel. It could be that the times we live in may get even more interesting.

Cue 70’s porn music.

Reads like bad Tom Clancy. Considering thatwell written Tom Clancy reads like right wing technobabble soft porn this is not a good thing.

However one must pity the poor fantabalists. Or maybe not.

What a complete crock of shit.

Mock if you must, but I was talking to Batroc the Leaper over $800 sushi last night and he was saying the exact same thing.

“You know what a left-wing outfit Langley is.”

Funniest. Line. Ever.

.

Isn’t it RICH how the cheese-easting surrender monkeys are now the heroes of the GOP?

Isn’t it RICH how the cheese-easting surrender monkeys are now the heroes of the GOP?

Oui — extrêmement ironique!

This isn’t really supposed to be real, is it? I mean don’t make me click on the link. This is supposed to be a real story he’s relaying from his spook missions over in Europe, about which he blogs???11? Maybe it’s because I’m stoned like an Afghan feminist, but if — I emphasize, IF — this is supposed to be real (and I am afraid I’m just going to have to click the link, God save me), this is the most awful bullshit in the world.

However, that said, the 1960’s swinger-comedy pencil-moustached Frenchman dialogue is top notch. It’s one thing to attempt French idom in a character’s speeches when writing contemporary prose; it’s quite another, and a far more difficult one, to achieve a spot-on period inflection as well.

Incidentally, when he says “Langley”, he’s referring to Warren Langley, the Australian artist.

You failed to mention that this gentleman is “the Indiana Jones of the Right,” and that he is “the most fascinating person you have ever met,” even though you haven’t met him.

Anyone out there ever heard of Alfred Lawson?

Three years from now, this guy is going to be claiming that he has discovered the ultimate nature of reality and is, more or less, 100,000 years ahead of the rest of the human race. Count on it.

Fuck balls, I went over and read the thing. The comments — let me just say a jet of hot, watery excrement shot out of my ass like a spit take in a Jerry Lewis movie and ruined my pants and the seat of the chair when I read them. One of the comments thankfully accuses this fartpate of being a fraud, and the rest are breathlessly immersed in conspiracy. And there are so very few comments. Like there are four deeply apophenic people reading a fifth, and they think they’ve figured out the secret code that will reveal the clockworks just beneath the earth’s crust, something like “OMG, the golden ratio 1.61803398874989484820 contains the same numbers that appear in every telephone number in the United States— except 5!! How many sides does the Pentagon have? Think about it, people!”

Sweet muscular Jesus. These fish sticks are hard as tits.

Google search of guinnessworldrecords.com for Dr. Jack Wheeler, supposed guinness record holder for being the first to free-fall skydive over the north pole while giving the finger towards Russia and wearing only one sock, not on any foot.

The same for Raf Frateur, owner of the world’s largest disco ball. Now if only I can find out where I can subscribe to Frateur’s newsletter.

He has retraced Hannibal’s route over the Alps with elephants …

Pink ones, but still.

Never mind Indiana Jones, this guy is the Harry Flashman of our times.

My goodness. Has Editor Norir been informed?

Never mind Indiana Jones, this guy is the Harry Flashman of our times.

I resemble that remark. I knew Harry Flashman. Harry Flashman was a friend of mine. You, Jack Wheeler, are no Harry Flashman.

See, this is the sand in their vajayjay. They’re so fucking steamed watching the obviously spontaneous footage of tout le monde going gaga over Obama when they know George W. Bush would be drowned in spittle if he showed up in the same venue that they have to, just have to convince themselves that actually, no, tout le monde is has “nothing but contempt for this ridiculous man.” And as long as they only listen to themselves, and that is in fact all they do, they can convince themselves. And that’s all that matters after all.

‘And Langley?’

Wait a minute …

In the movie 2001, didn’t HAL, the evil computer, claim that his instructror was a ‘Mr Langley’???!!!!

Funny, too, is how a mere three months into his presidency, Obama is responsible for destroying America … but eight months into his, Bush gets let off the hook despite letting terrorists fly planes into the WTC.

HAL wasn’t evil, he had just been lied to about the purpose of the mission and the conflict drove him crazy. Kind of like the American public. Hmmm….

cletus jones – I fear that the commenter at Pam’s House of Crazy was referring to Obama as ‘a fraud’, not ‘Dr.’ Jack.

‘The Somalis, Chavez, Iran, Putin, Beijing, the “Norks” as you call them …’

Oh NOS!11! Not the norkies too!11!

http://www.sex-lexis.com/Sex-Dictionary/norks
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/norks/

Also, did you know that a North Korean woman’s breast is called a norkidity nork nork by Australian surfers or so my contact in the Gurkan Intelligence Service tells me.

And monsieur Barack and la madame Michelle, they are, how you say, les Afriques, the darkies, no? Haw-haw-haw, how we all laughed at the thought! They do the dancing-of-breaks in le chateau blanc, no? Or should I say, le chateau noir! Haw-haw-haw!

It’s like the Bruno Kirby character in ‘Good Morning, Vietnam’ … with the ‘Frenchy’ gag.

Pammycakes has (so far) restrained herself from screaming about The Schwartzes! in the White House, so imaginary Frenchmen have to say it for her.

Aristophanes, thanks for wresting from me the slender straw at which I grasped to keep myself afloat in the swirling vortex of dingbat purée that has sucked me, on an otherwise successful Friday night, down among its octopine grips. That kind of crazy… It’s contagious.

Inside sources tell me that next week Jack “The Lady Said No” Wheeler will be posting choice excerpts from another lunch time chat.

Set in a sleepy little cafe in Tuscany, Zzwaddlebqb-Treendallio, a former colleague in the Galactic Justice Raiders Omega Squad, tells us how the people of Orbiting Quid World 98 feel about Obama and his obvious muslimishness!

This is so comical. Besides the hilariously bad writing, the two things that jumped out at me:

1. A US spy suggesting that the French intelligence agency devote its resources to lookup up Obama’s grades and college newspaper articles! Yes. That sounds like very super serious spy stuff. I bet EVERY world agency has tons and tons of men looking into Obama’s college grades. Priority number 1. More important than nuclear proliferation for sure.

2. A French intel guy is mulling about scary “barbarians”…any mention of cell groups of the like that bombed Madrid or London (or Mumbai?). You know, the type of people that might try to hit France? Nope. the FIRST thing that comes to mind are the Somalis and the Hugo Chavez.

If you want to write a convincing French intel character, make their worries actually sound like something a French intel guy would worry about, not the latest American Wingnut Bogeyman.

Also, that $200 Bordeaux comment…its like someone saying, “I drank a $200 bottle of Napa Valley wine.” No one who actually drinks $200 bottles of wines would ever describe the wine that way. at the very least, someone who actually knows and drinks $200 wines would be a bit more specific, at least a sub-region like Saint-Emillion, or maybe a mention a winery like Chateau Latour or Chateau Lafite or something (and those are just the really obvious ones). It so screams, “I only know one fancy sounding French wine word and damnit, I’m gonna use it.”

Next, Dr. Wheeler talks with his good friend Inspector Clouseau about a plot by Mexican swineherds to infect America.

It’s true. I have the tape. I can sell it to you if you like.

or so my contact in the Gurkan Intelligence Service tells me.

You misunderstood, it’s the Gherkin Intelligence Service.

The cucumbers are planning something. Possibly in collaboration with the French. It might be a salad, or something more sinister.

Most boringest spy novel evah!!

One year in college, my little brother spent a few years in the Bordeaux region of France. Picked grapes for work one summer. Worked horrendous hours, and it was backbreaking labor.

While he was still over there, for Christmas one year I purchased for him a bottle of wine made of grapes he had almost certainly harvested.

Rarely does one get the chance to piss off a sibling so completely, and I was not about to pass it up.

Jody, wasn’t that an episode of the simpsons?

One downside of living in the Information Age is having to swim and drown in oceans of information. People don’t want an ocean. They want a glass of water Koolaid. That’s To The Point™.

Wow! I used to be a bit embarrassed about the left’s focus on Bush’s AWOL period, but this is just incredible. It’s somehow surpassed LaRuche on the idiocy scale.

From http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Jack_Wheeler

According to an article in The Weekly Standard, Wheeler and Jack Abramoff co-organized the 1985 Jamba Democratic International, a summit of right-wing insurgent groups at the headquarters of UNITA in the Angolan bush.[3] According to the UK Observer newspaper, the event was “…attended by a who’s who of the extreme Right: members of the Oliver North group, Laotian guerrillas, Nicaraguan Contras, Afghan mujahideen and South African security police.” [4]

Eagle Green. Eagle Green. I am now working on my Knowledgian degree in Lawsonomy and I have my ticket to the Jamboree in Jamba. Over.

You know, I’d go back there tomorrow
but for the work I’ve taken on –
stoking the star-maker machinery of the popular song.

Ahhh what a web weave, eh Dr. Jack?

Where do the lies end and the realities begin?

Jesus fucking Christ, I go out and get completely shit-faced, and what do I come back to? Words fuckin’ fail me, mate. Honestly.

The goddamned French think *Obama*’s a joke? The world thinks Obama’s a joke? After this? Jesus fuckin’ wept, mate, after that you could elect a fuckin’ dog turd and the world would sing hosannas, much less an intelligent, well-educated man who happens to be black (blackety blackety black).

The fucken’ world thinks Obama’s a joke? Give me a fucken’ break, matey, where do you come from? Because from where I stand (and I must admit it’s slightly lopsided at the moment) the world is thanking the various and sundry gods that the US has at least elected a human to the presidency, not some weevil like the last one.

Laughing at Obama? Pig’s fucken’ arse, mate, and I know you’ll forgive me saying that, but no-one with more brain than a mollusc would believe that line of shite. The world, as I mentioned, is thanking gods greater and lesser that at least there’s a sentient being in the White House, rather than a lunatic who’ll happily turn the whole planet into a cinder if someone so much as coughs.

And “Norks”, as you say? What? What do tits have to do with anything?

Jesus Christ, I need another drink.

three such inside dirts as these …
You kids today. In my day, you know, we only had two dirts. And we were happy.

You had dirts? Dammit, back in my day we would have cried tears of joy, tears of fucking joy if we could have had a dirt to call our own! We had to work as sharecroppers on Mr. Beauregard’s dirt, and lucky to have that.

Holy shit his website reads like an obvious parody. He makes Rush Limbaugh look like Richard Dawkins would look if he was trying to look like Michael Steele looking through the looking glass. or something.

Was anybody else imagining Steve Martin in the gawdawful Pink Panther? I’m glad you can’t get a shower drain pregnant because I don’t want my kids to grow up in a world where that passes for entertainment.

Obama’s a joke! Look–he watches sports with black people. Do I need spell it out for you?

“He continued to say nothing, gave me only a slight smile in return, and poured me another glass of wine. ‘The Bordeaux is good, yes?’”

Lazy waiter.
I’ve heard plenty of stupid tasting notes, but “mmm it was good and $200” has never happened.

I’m thinking he spent $200 on a french hooker and washed down her ham wallet with some cheap beaujolais. I’d ice it first. (both)

“He continued to say nothing, gave me only a slight smile in return, and poured me another glass of wine and said ‘Come with me to the Casbah, we will make beautiful music together.’ Then he waved his striped tail in the air.”

Dr Jack Wheeler killed a man-eating tiger when he was eleven and thereby saved a whole village, for which they crowned him god-king for life. It’s true. It’s on his site.

“The Bordeaux is good, yes?”
I think he got confused with the Russian character in Sex and the City. A French guy would ask “The Bordeaux is good, no?”

I don’t understand the surprise.

After all, how hard would it be to take in a bunch of dimwits with this shit, when you know up front that they consider Ayn Rand to be the best writer, EVAR!!!?

“The Bordeaux is good, yes?” “The world can go–how do you say
?–sideways. . .”

Very clever of the French military intelligence service to staff their agency with comical Frenchy stereotypes from 1940s comedies. They are SO French, no one would suspect them of BEING French. This guy was probably wearing a beret with a Gauloise Caporal dangling from his lower lip.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy really is a joke/parody/put-on, and Pammy Tits and her readers are just too stupid to realize it.

After all, these are the very same people to clung to the notion that there was a tape of Michelle Obama talking about whitey. And then there was another tape (from Africa) of her talking some other trash. And then there’s the time-traveling conspiracy that planted Obama’s birth announcement in that Hawaiian newspaper. So they read this kind of crap and suck it up as well, never realizing for a moment that they’re being taken in.

There MUST be a way to make money off this. Maybe a newsletter . . .

OK, this is my favorite line:

‘What is that phrase you use?’ he asked. ‘Something to consider?'”

Was this French spy six feet tall with long ears and a fluffy tail, by any chance?

Or, perhaps small and black with a white stripe down his back.

“ooh, my little cabbage, wiz you I want to make ze… l’amour!”

“and washed down her ham wallet with some cheap beaujolais”

he flips, thank you.

That is by far the most beautiful literary image I’ve read this morning.

This seems familiar. Hmmm…

Du Quois: This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, and Deja Vu.
Deja Vu: Haven’t we met before?
Nick Rivers: I don’t think so.
Du Quois: Over there, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse.

I suspect a certain amount of Ledeen envy going on with Wheeler. Rather than actual and seriously dodgy contacts with rogue elements from the Italian external intelligence, Wheeler imagines contacts from the French equivalent. You can tell the difference in nationality because Wheeler’s ones perform Gallic shrugs rather than wave their hands in the air excitedly.

What do tits have to do with anything?

Please tell me that this was a rhetorical question. Tits have everything to do with everything. Like PENIS.

why should we listen to cheese eating surrender monkeys?

haha. that joke never gets old.

The Sourcewatch page has a link to an old Outside article on Wheeler that’s worth a read. The writer seems a bit credulous, believing all of Wheeler’s stories (including those for which the only source is presumably Wheeler himself) but there are also some amusing anecdotes about his behavior abroad:

But he’s also, as Tammy Wynette put it, “just a man,” loaded with human foibles. This is obvious at Alchi Monastary, an assemblage of ancient Buddhist temples that we visit west of Leh. There, the scourge of communism almost pitches a bitching fit because a monk asks him not to use his camera’s flash on the crumbly wall paintings. (Wheeler then does it on the sly.) After that he holds everybody up while he stomps around looking for his lost bush hat.

If that’s not the personality of a stalwart, world weary adventurer-cum-rebel leader, I don’t know what is.

Behold the United States’ imminent fate.

Fear not the evil eye of envy lest you lose civilizational confidence.

P.S. Dr. Jack has a secret.

Pardon me won’t you? I have to make an important communiqué on my shoe phone before I embark on the aeroplane journey to Zanzibar.

That’s a lot of words to say “OMG A N!GGER IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!?!”

Pam’s playing a dangerous game given her readers are all red blooded, RealAmerican(TM):

“Haw, haw! Lookit this! The Frenchies hate Obama.”
“Wait a minnit. We hate the Frenchies.”
“… So then if they hate Obama, and we hate the Frenchies … that means … we oughta like Obama?”
“No, we hate the Frenchies and … they hate Obama so … they … we …”
“Error.”
“Error!”
[Heads assplode]

Nice going Pam.

Love the way Pam uses the headline ‘A Laughingstock in Paris’ for a story about a moron writer she admires, and in the story said writer takes a trip to Paris.

All forms of leftism and liberalism are based on an atavistic belief in Black Magic.

Boy, that explains my paganism, don’t it? And you say I can pay for such eldritch wisdom of the ages when it would be a bargain were it free? Oh be still my black leftist heart. No, really. Be still, heart. Hmm, maybe too much caffiene lately….

Nobody can make public his actual birth certificate, or even the particular hospital he was born in

Has anyone checked to see if he was actually born in Transylvania? ‘Cause for all we know he might well be BLACULA KING OF VAMPIRES and boy then we’d regret electing hiim now wouldn’t we.

Tell no one I am ze French spy, yes? I am – ‘ow you say – in ze disguise!

“I’m stoned like an Afghan feminist”

hmmm … witty or not-witty?

I vote not.

It’s really pathetic when a fantasy life is made of bad movies.

When good ones would could be used.

But since most good movies would lead them to different conclusions, I guess it does explain a lot.

Permit me to advance an alternative theory: Dr. Jack actually DID have this conversation. After all, the French do have their own set of crazy right wing assholes.

My contact with French intelligence met me at the caffe. To let him know who I was, I gave him the password: “Le chat est sur la chaise.”

“hmmm … witty or not-witty?”

I’ve got to go witty on this. I am not sure they could say this without it sounding creepy because you know they’d pay good money to watch, but in the right hands that line is pretty good.

“He has tried to gut them with the ‘torture memo’ release and slashing their budgets.”

…as he made ‘scare quotes’ around the word torture with his long, delicate fingers….

‘What is that phrase you use?’ he asked. ‘Something to consider?’

“Actually,” I said, “the phrase is ‘something to believe in.'”

“Permit me to advance an alternative theory: Dr. Jack actually DID have this conversation. After all, the French do have their own set of crazy right wing assholes.”

Oh man, that would be awesome! Two idiots making shit up to each other for several hours, never seeing through each other’s obvious lies and self aggrandizing… the best part being that the guy pretending to be a French spy isn’t even French, but is just some schmuck that wants to impress the mighty Jack Wheeler by pretending to be a French spy. And then he goes home thinking “wow, Jack Wheeler really believed me! I must be awesome!” and Jack Wheeler goes home thinking “Wow, a real French spy believed me! I must be awesome!”

HAL wasn’t evil, he had just been lied to about the purpose of the mission and the conflict drove him crazy. Kind of like the American public. Hmmm….

Not exactly. HAL had been told the truth about the mission (“…this information was only known by your on-board H-A-L Nine-thousand computer…”) but was ordered to conceal that information from his “crewmates”. The conflict of having to lie to his crewmates – IOW, the error-free computer forced to deliberately produce “errors” – is what drove HAL over the edge.

Call it “guilt” over being part of the greatest political cover-up in the history of humanity. Kind of like John Dean. Hmmm….

But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy’s? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Truly, Ripley, you have a dizzying intellect.

“Dude, where the hell have you been? We were going on to Milan, right?”

“I know, I know, sorry. It’s just that I ran into a raging nutcase and had to have a little fun with him. Funny thing was, no matter how lame I made the joke, this moron actually believed I was a spy. Funny. As. Hell.”

“Oh man, that would be awesome! Two idiots making shit up to each other for several hours, never seeing through each other’s obvious lies and self aggrandizing…”

It’s amazing that they don’t already have a show on Fox.

Usually, I come here, read a post, and get a laugh. But this … this is beyond the pall. This overstuffed, egotistical nutjob, convinced he is deeply entrenched in the secret workings of the geopolitical system, is nuttier than two squirrels in an acorn tree.

Later, Dr. Jack would meet with an old SS friend in Berlin to discuss Obama over bratwurst:

‘And Merkel?’ I asked.

‘I know nuzzink!’ he replied, but then paused, before issuing a plaintive cry that rose in volume: ‘Hoooooooooogaaaaaaannnnn!’

When you said that Dr. Wheeler is crazier than Pam, I thought, “No way!” I stand corrected.

whom they know is selling them down the Jordan River.

Um, yeah. Dude’s been, how you say, mixing the dirts.

Dr. Jack back in June (emphasis his):

Let that sink in: Obambi is not the descendant of slaves, he is the descendant of slave owners. Thus he makes the perfect Liberal Messiah.

Big ole American Hat Tippler.

And “Norks”, as you say? What? What do tits have to do with anything?

How can you even ask this question in connection with anything to do with Pam Geller?

hmmm … witty or not-witty?

I vote not.

Bzzzt! I’m afraid that is incorrect, and please remember to answer in the form of a question.

The next adventure–Jack Wheeler joins Jack Bauer and Jack Harkness in a desperate bid to travel back in time and prevent the Islamofascists from planting bogus Obama birth notices in the Hawaiian newspapers. With a special appearance by Jack Abramoff!

Very clever of the French military intelligence service to staff their agency with comical Frenchy stereotypes from 1940s comedies. They are SO French, no one would suspect them of BEING French. This guy was probably wearing a beret with a Gauloise Caporal dangling from his lower lip.

And a Citroën 2CV parked outside.

The Kenosha Kid said,

My contact with French intelligence met me at the caffe. To let him know who I was, I gave him the password: “Le chat est sur la chaise.”

Non!

Le chat est sur la chaise bicyclette de banane!

From Wheeler’s page:

In To The Point™, he’ll tell you about the plans the Chinese Underground Church Movement has to send 100,000 Chinese Christian missionaries to the Middle East to convert Moslem Arabs to Christianity.

They’ll just slip in inconspicuously and combine their prosyletizing with the distribution of food, medicine, and clothing. What could go wrong?

The next adventure–Jack Wheeler joins Jack Bauer and Jack Harkness in a desperate bid to travel back in time and prevent the Islamofascists from planting bogus Obama birth notices in the Hawaiian newspapers. With a special appearance by Jack Abramoff!

And Jack Jack, Conservative Baby Superhero.

“Le chat est sur la chaise.”

Le singe est sur la branche.

Apparently Eric Erickson has called Justice Souter a “goat-fucking child molester.” Wishful thinking or projection, Mr. Church Deacon?

Luxembourgian master spy Jean Claude Noodleman requests the honor of the presence of Dr Jack Wheeler at the four star restaurant, Le Linguine Brasserie, on May 7th, 2009, in Luxembourg City, Luxembourg at 8:00pm Luxembourg Standard Time. The password is “flibberty” and the countersign is “floo”.

um…its on Luxembourg Boulevard. kthnxbai

He nodded. ‘And in Tel Aviv City?’

He was referring to the huge underground city complex of Langley’s underneath the US Embassy in the Israeli capital.

Surprisingly enough, it was one of Pammy’s commenters who noticed this one — although the US Embassy is located in Tel Aviv, Tel Aviv is not the capital of Israel. Jerusalem is. You’d think a French spy would know that, n’est-ce pas? Or is it Dr. Jack who doesn’t know this? Quel imbécile.

We’ve created an underground movement called — how do you say — French in Action. We are a small group. Our leader is Professeur Pierre. We have two moles in the Obama administration — a woman, code name Mireille, and her lover Robert. Mireille’s sister is our cleaner, she’s very cold-hearted and efficient. They obey every word of the Professeur.

Le singe est sur la branche.

Sandra Bullock est sur l’autobus.

Et maintenant Keanu Reeves est sur l’autobus.

Et Dennis Hoffman, il fera sauter l’autobus s’il va au-dessous de cinquante miles par heure.

Mais Keanu tire Dennis Hoffman, et chacun est sauvé.

I love his Theory of Envy. It’s the kind of thing that smites you as by a physical blow at midnight when you’re very stoned or tripping. “yes…yes, it really does EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.” Maybe you jot down some notes that, alas, the next morning prove incomprehensible. Or, worse, just silly.

This Jack Wheeler is of the Gordon Liddy School of Rugged Self-Made Individualists, for whose graduates all cliches are true and all stereotypes are accurate but who, somehow, can’t grasp that they’re cliches and stereotypes.

Mais Keanu tire Dennis Hoffman, et chacun est sauvé.

Alors Sandra Bullock monte dans un bateau et baise vers le haut de la partie 2.

Wheeler brags about supposedly having predicted the fall of the USSR, but (according to a profile in Outside magazine) “Wheeler has predicted in writing that because of this [a “severe neurotransmitter depletion'”] and other maladies, as well as various debilitating political scandals, Clinton will resign before 1994 is out.”

So I’d say it looks like he mostly got lucky with the USSR thing.

My favorite reward from trolling or posting about winger bloggers is when they correct their typos. It’s a pretty good indication that they’ve read what you’ve written.

I’m stoned like an Afghan feminist”

I vote not.

I apologize for this offensive turn of phrase. I was under the influence of marijuana, the devil weed.

Allow me to propose this less offensive alternative: “I was severely intoxicated.” It’s not amusing, but it’s inoffensive. And if there’s one thing I come here for, it’s the Christian fun and fellowship, without the need for dirty words or hurtful remarks.

Ham wallet!

Simba – Pam did excise that stream-of-a-neurotic-consciousness thing at the end of her post, and she did clean up her opener, from this:

Dr. Wheeler has interesting friends in faraway places. He is always has the inside dirt. Every once I will run an entire piece of Jack’s because it’s too juicy not share. But subscribe to his newletter — worth every penny.

To this:

Dr. Wheeler has interesting friends in faraway places. He is inside, and always has a fresh skinny inside the beltway and outside — this time, outside the Left Bank. Every once in a while I will run an entire piece of Jack’s, because it’s too juicy not share. But subscribe to his newsletter — worth every penny.

But alas, sometimes the cure is worse than the disease … so instead of is always having the inside dirt, Dr. Jack is now in possession of a fresh skinny … and a new strain of indefinite articulosis to replace his previous extraneous word affliction.

Next week, a Russian intelligence agent has this to say about Obama’s reputed ties to organized crime, Nazis, communists, socialists, fascists, Islamist terrorists, the Welsh and the Cybermen, as reported to Pammy’s next he-man.

“Da! He is all those things! Da! I am not a vicious ethnic stereotype, where would you get an idea like that? Da! More wodka! Nuclear wessles!”

I’m stoned like an Afghan feminist”

hmmm … witty or not-witty?

I vote not.

This strikes me as a pun made in incredibly bad taste, borderline offensive…in other words, Sadly No’s bread and butter (sammich, anyone?).

One of those things you want to laugh at but you know you shouldn’t.

Whoever wrote that is the Ray Emoto of politics. I give it 0.83 TimeCubes, because it’s got a good beat and you can dance to it.

Even in Pam’s cleaned-up intro there’s this, “…it’s too juicy not share.” I’m not one to criticize errors of grammar, but here she has obviously sobered up and done a re-write specifically to excise errors, and yet she still makes an elementary mistake. Encore de l’stupide!

Witty? Really? Oh. Well, I guess you had to be there.

I nominate this song as wingnut conspiracy anthem for the next 8 years.

Plus, it’s got a rocking beat.

My Google alert for insults just alerted me to this site for an alert.

I think the real question here is whether Dr. Wheeler pulled it while writing this piece or after writing it.

The tell: his allegedly French alleged spy makes absolutely no mention of Jerry Lewis. Obvious forgery.

And I see absolutely non references to croissants, mimes or the Eiffel Tower! Lazy!

Moustache-twirling Frenchman Wearing A Beret, Stripey Polo-Neck And String Of Onions said,

Tell no one I am ze French spy, yes? I am – ‘ow you say – in ze disguise!

You almost had me there but the absence of a fresh baguette under your arm gave you away, you fraude.

The next adventure–Jack Wheeler joins Jack Bauer and Jack Harkness in a desperate bid to travel back in time and prevent the Islamofascists from planting bogus Obama birth notices in the Hawaiian newspapers. With a special appearance by Jack Abramoff!

That’s book # 20. In book # 19 they travel back even further in time to rendezvous with Jack Aubrey. He will pick them all up on the HMS Surprise and then they will all sail on to Algiers to depose the Dey’s Vizier, Ali Bey so that they can negotiate a trade with his successor. £250,000 and a mint condition xebec for the whitey tape and vault copy of Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate that Pasha Omar had stolen from Larry Johnson’s office in his own time traveling adventures. The book ends with them all repairing to Aubrey’s cabin to share a bag of spotted dick as they sail on to Chile to waylay Salvador Alllende’s ancestors so he can never cause any fucking trouble in the first place.

J’accuse!

There MUST be a way to make money off this. Maybe a newsletter . . .
===============

I suggest we require of zem a lissonce for zat minkey. An’ for’zwiss!

They is always falls for zat one.

Well, there certainly WAS a laughingstock in Paris.

If that’s not the personality of a stalwart, world weary adventurer-cum-rebel leader, I don’t know what is.
===================

Also, what is a cum rebel?

Cletus said, “One of the comments thankfully accuses this fartpate of being a fraud” to which D.A. responds, “I fear that the commenter at Pam’s House of Crazy was referring to Obama as ‘a fraud’, not ‘Dr.’ Jack.”

True dat, but look at these two comments, one from Marianne: “it looks unbelievable that a DGSE guy still on duty would allow himself to display these confidences.” And someone called slice: “Interesting piece. Can’t tell if it’s made up or not,” and then he mocks the capital of Isreal goof-up and even seems to gently criticize US zionism (“you mean the US has a nest of spies in Tel Aviv? I am shocked, truly shocked…”).

So that’s two out of eleven comments expressing some doubts about the veracity of the article, damn near 20%! That’s a healthy amount of incredulity considering it’s coming from Pam’s readers.

“Le chat est sur la chaise.”

Le singe est sur la branche.
=========================

fou …

Le fou.

Le fou est.

Le fou est sur l’herbe.

C’est tout!

Dang, another awesome link goes ignored.

I don’t know why I can’t quit you Sadlies.

Well, there certainly WAS a laughingstock in Paris.

As I said upthread, Pammy’s cropping of the original article’s title is classic fail. It’s like if I was a right-wing blogger, and I wanted to post an article Pammy had written enitled “Michelle Obama is a shrieking nutcase”, so I post the article and a big picture of Pammy under the heading “A shrieking nutcase”.

I find it hard to believe that a Frenchman would say “The Bordeaux is good, yes?”

A real Frenchman wouldn’t call a bottle of wine named simply “Bordeaux” in a high-end restaurant; he’d be drinking a bottle of wine with an appellation name, and he’d certainly call it by its real name.

This guy’s about as French as Grey Poupon.

FYWP, I hopes I can haz comments. Someday peutetre…

Yet Pam will remain far more concerned with the canard that is Obama’s birth certificate ‘problem’ than with the obvious fabulism of Dr. Jack or the clear Neo-Nazi connections of her European friends.

Even Charles Johnson has had to wash his hands of her, which is pretty damning. It begs the question as to whether anyone in the anti-Arab industrial complex has much use for her anymore.

Do you think that maybe someday Teh Wingnuts will figure out that if they have to resort to these sorts of obvious crackpots in order to rub their confirmation biases that it probably means that they’re just, you know, wrong about stuff?

“Sure he spends his afternoons on the Post Office steps slapping a raw halibut on on his head, but his take-down of Obama’s Mexihomocommietyranny is BRILLIANT! EAT IT EMM-ESS-EMM!!”

I believe I met the man to whom he is speaking. Not at the Direction générale de la sécurité extérieure, but at the Bureau des Stereotypes Rebattu Francais.

I’m stoned like an Afghan feminist

hmmm … witty or not-witty?

I vote not.

If it makes you any less uncomfortable, I usually say I’m stoned as an Iranian adulterer.

kingubu – in a word, no.

You know, if anyone ever wishes to eat out in fancy restaurant, there are propably dozens of rightwing nuts willing ot pay the bill, assuming you:
a) pretend to be a spy with dirt on Obama
b) Can stand their company for the duration of the meal
c) Can keep a straight face while telling them bullshit so thick it needs to be cut with chainsaw.

Bonus points are awarded, if the wingnut in question writes the story as such, with all the huge errors without fact checking.

Ah, who am I kidding. No bonus points, they never fact check.

Attention Mr. Aristophanes:

http://reallysmallfish.blogspot.com/2009/04/cornered.html

dozens of rightwing nuts willing ot pay the bill

Ot is hte new teh.

Speaking of experiences that sound fictional, yesterday I was standing outside of Rainbow, our local hippie coop, waiting for a ride in the rain. It being world commie day, the place was locked up tight.

BOHEMIAN GIRL: Excuse me! Excuse me! Do you know WHY they aren’t open??!!

ME: May Day.

BOHEMIAN GIRL: Oh… yeeeaaah. GOOD!

BOY ON BIKE: (fumbles with bike lock for about ten minutes, then runs into door lock) Hey uhh… what’s going on?

ME: Closed for May Day.

BOY ON BIKE: Oh, right on! (returns to fumbling with bike)

TWEEDY OLDER MAN: (reading sign aloud in thick Eastern European accent) Closed for International Workers Day. Hmph! Mebbe een de OZZER countries!

OLDER WOMAN IN PINK TUTU, PINK LEGGINGS, PINK BOA, AND GOBS OF FAKE DIAMONDS: What the FUCK is this shit?

ME Umm… I think it’s for May Day.

WOMAN In PINK Oh, I support that!

If it makes you any less uncomfortable, I usually say I’m stoned as an Iranian adulterer.

Can I say that I’m stoned as an Iranian queer boy? Does it help that I myself am a queer boy, or does my non-Iranianity make it uncomfortable? What if I were dating a Persian boy and he was totally cool with it?

pedestrian – obviously invented, otherwise pink tutu woman would have been on a unicycle.

Its obvious Pam is setting up her non compes mentis plea for her upcoming racketeering trial.

OLDER WOMAN IN PINK TUTU, PINK LEGGINGS, PINK BOA, AND GOBS OF FAKE DIAMONDS

Oh, you so totally made that shit up, you fakey faker fakir of fakeness.

Pshaw.

You guys are clearly going for the easy one.

I think Tweedy Eastern European Old Man is the fake! Nobody in the country would actually say “International Workers Day” without immediately being black-bagged by the NSA and dragged off into a van.

I find it hard to believe that a Frenchman would say “The Bordeaux is good, yes?”

This guy’s about as French as Grey Poupon.

I’d be satisfied if it were just dolled up a little to, “Zee Bordeaux, she is good, yes?” Absent this standard Pepe Le Pew syntax, I’m beginning to wonder if this scene really transpired at all.

@ pedestrian

Doesn’t really work as there are officially no homosexuals in Iran.

Mah cheeldren need wine!

I always favored the one from The Critic where a Kool-Aide Man-esque wine glass bursts through a wall to the joy of children and then has to lie down for a little while.

The french fashion for fountains-for-sphinctors is sure to catch on to the wingnuts now.

Maybe I could get Pammy to take me out to dinner if I email her claiming to be a former member of the IRA with a story about how it’s a well known fact in Belfast that a 10 year old Finbar H. S. O’Tero instigated the Bloody Sunday violence to set the Catholics and Proddies at each other’s throats while he established a caliphate in Ulster. He would have eventually had all of Ireland in dhimmitude if he hadn’t been summoned to the US by Bill Ayers to change his name again and team up with Larry Sinclair to have gay sex with Harry Blackmun in the back of limo so that they could blackmail him into writing the majority opinion in Roe v. Wade resulting in the abortion of all those white babies. To clinch the deal I’ll mention that Doe v. Bolton was decided the same day. Why do you think you never see babies with giant walrus moustaches? When an ultrasound reveals one on a foetus said foetus is mandatorily aborted thanks to Chicago style politics. Think, Pammy, think.

Also, did you know the walrus moustache has its own Wikipedia page?

Lawnguylander said,

May 2, 2009 at 20:05

Maybe I could get Pammy to take me out to dinner if I email her claiming to be…

With that story, you should get also drinks, and desert. Make sure it is a classy place, and that She knows she will pay for the bill.

Drinks? DESSERT?

The hell with dinner, with a story like that you won’t even get a blowjob.

(Actually, in this particular case, that might be a good thing.)

Hol-eeeee shit.

Just turned on the radio a few minutes ago had the pleasure of listening to some right-wing yankfest where the caller and the host were talking about waterboarding. In a mere five minutes they had gone from “I’m surprised fratboys don’t do it, it’s so harmless” to “nobody was being tortured in Guantanamo” to “it’s just pouring water on someone’s face” to “liberals said shaving their beards was torture” to “you can’t really drown so it’s okay” to the capper from the host, “people who’re suicide bombers won’t be worrying about being waterboarded”.

So it’s not really torture ;’cause it doesn’t hurt them and it’s all psychological and just a frat prank but it’s just pouring water on their faces and so what if they thought they were dying ’cause they’re all mad suiciders anyway.

Wheeee. How much is a ticket off this planet, again?

Oh, and this was on top of the religious station where the lady host was talking about TEH KIDZ THEESE DAYS and their strange “texting” ways and how they could be typing TEH PR0N right in front of you parents of you don’t know their secret texting code thingy.

Uh.

Are we sure, really sure, that this Jack Wheeler isn’t a hoax? I mean, read that bio, for cryin’ out loud, not to mention the whackier-than-whacky views.

So it’s not really torture ;’cause it doesn’t hurt them and it’s all psychological and just a frat prank but it’s just pouring water on their faces and so what if they thought they were dying ’cause they’re all mad suiciders anyway.

“We tortured, but it didn’t even hurt” is the new, “I smoked, but I didn’t inhale.” Really, what would be the point?

He has retraced Hannibal’s route over the Alps with elephants …

…all because he couldn’t find a fuckin’ pencil.

This guy’s about as French as Grey Poupon.

Hey, it’s French, they just call it “Croton Gris” there.

I think I’m going to start waterboarding job applicants. After all, it’s harmless, sure to elicit the truth, and – since we’re talking about engineers – is likely to leave them cleaner than when they walked into my dungeon office.

In the comments of her post (#10), a wizbang blogger writes:

Water boarding isn’t torture. You can call it that all you want, but it won’t make it true.

#10

Apparently Eric Erickson has called Justice Souter a “goat-fucking child molester.” Wishful thinking or projection, Mr. Church Deacon?

I saw that on memeorandum this morning and then just down the page I read that John Hawkins thinks that The Right Needs to Play as Dirty as the Left. After letting us know that he knows Southern Long Fist Kung Fu, whatever the fuck that is, he tells us that the right “likes to pat itself on the back for being above it all.” One thing he doesn’t think young wingnuts should be above is filing lawsuits over who got more detention:

Here’s another example. On college campuses, conservative speakers often need bodyguards to give a speech. Conservatives are shouted down and attacked — and nothing serious ever seems to happen to the fascists who engage in these thuggish tactics. So why shouldn’t conservative groups do the exact same thing to every liberal speaker who comes to the college? Go on stage, lock arms, and shout him down — then sue the university if they’re given so much as an hour’s detention more than the protesting liberal students.

Gotta get down to it. Liberals are putting them down. Should have been done long ago. It’s too bad that the courts are clogged up with frivolous lawsuits because it could take a while for injunctions against unfair detention to make any difference.

This guy could be “Coach” on Survivor. (for anyone who’s keeping track, Coach imagines himself a hero in various implausible scenarios, like escaping capture by Amazon cannibals).

Same old same old, Lawnguylander.

Shorter reich wing: It’s NOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAIR! wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Go on stage, lock arms, and shout him down — then sue the university if they’re given so much as an hour’s detention more than the protesting liberal students.

If there were any doubt that John Hawkins is not college educated, the fact that he thinks that universities give students detentions should put an end to it.

Russia is doomed as a culture due to its inheritance of Mongol concepts of justice and equality.

Yes, everyone in Dr Wheeler’s bizarro universe is quite familiar with the much-renowned just, egalitarian and liberal nature of Genghis Khan and the Mongol Empire.

OLDER WOMAN IN PINK TUTU, PINK LEGGINGS, PINK BOA, AND GOBS OF FAKE DIAMONDS

That was no woman. That was my mom.

Southern Long Fist Kung Fu

The Masters of this Art are Long Wang, Low Hung, and Enormous Genitals.

Even crazed Bethany of “my vast right wing conspiracy” has shunned Mr. Wheeler. There’s an added bonus of an update from The Anchoress on that post.

What if I were dating a Persian boy

You’d be Mary Renault in drag?

I nominate this song as wingnut conspiracy anthem for the next 8 years.

I second that nomination and I move to have the entire Chumbawamba catalog ceded to them if they’ll keep their pudgy Cheeto stained fists off of punk rock.

For more excruciatingly bad, sappy, and shallow writing, see Prentending [sic] To Be Happy by Jack Wheeler

“I’m stoned like an Afghan feminist”

I vote not.”

For what it’s worth, I think comedy that has taboo subjects ain’t comedy.

Jim DeMint makes his pitch.

To win back the trust of the American people, we must be a “big tent” party. But big tents need strong poles,

Tea bags and tent poles. Best election ever, six months on.

and the strongest pole of our party — the organizing principle and the crucial alternative to the Democrats — must be freedom.

The Pole of Freedom: Republican fetishism laid bare.

Offered without comment, from Lesley’s link:

Somehow, an extraneous thought had popped into my consciousness from nowhere.

“Somehow, an extraneous thought had popped into my consciousness from nowhere.”

“At first I assumed it was Jesus, but it turned out to only be Reagan.”

Since when do bistros have $90 entrees and $200 Bordeaux? And he that that fabulous meal in the afternoon? Not very French at all.

I know, nitpicking the fantasies of Dr. Wheeler would be a full time job.

I second that nomination and I move to have the entire Chumbawamba catalog ceded to them

Oh, hells no! They can have my Chumbawamba when they pry it from my cold dead anarchist atheist fingers!

“The Pole of Freedom: Republican fetishism laid bare.”

I can take about an hour on the Tower of Power, as long as I get a little golden shower.

…and the strongest pole of our party — the organizing principle and the crucial alternative to the Democrats — must be freedom…

…the freedom for 5% of Americans to own the other 95%, and the freedom for those other 95% to be owned.

Cause that’s really what “the strongest pole” in their tent is all about…they can only get hard by thinking about ways to make rich people richer.

Permit me to advance an alternative theory: Dr. Jack actually DID have this conversation. After all, the French do have their own set of crazy right wing assholes.

I say he had the conversation, but it was with his cat.

The cat wore a leetle beret.

Feel free to use my time machine to re-experience those you love. You can use it any time you want. – Jack Wheeler

Jack generously gives his readers permission to use his floating crap thoughts.

Isn’t it amazing how there is no position, no value, no argument, no bias, no fundamental point of belief that the Republican species will not toss out the window and assume its opposite for political gain?

“The French suck!”

Look: A Frenchman hates Obama!

“The French rock!”

But big tents need strong poles, and the strongest pole of our party — the organizing principle and the crucial alternative to the Democrats — must be freedom.

Of course the only way to guarantee the big tent has a firm foundation is to build it on faith, so they’ll stick their pole of freedom into the hole of God’s glory.

I laughed at “stoned like an Afghan feminist.”

I am ‘ow you say? Pissing myself laughing at The Wheeler Ultimatum

“Sure he spends his afternoons on the Post Office steps slapping a raw halibut on on his head,

Dude – I totally know that guy! Useta defend the whole we have to torture the suspected terr’rists to make them talk … but waterboarding isn’t torture. But it works, which is why we have to do it. Even though we hadda do it 183 times to … aw hell … you got any seabass? This halibut is wearing a bit thin (*smack~!*)

Please tell me that this is all the work of freakish pranksters like the doofs behind the Flying Spaghetti Monster … that it’s all an avant-garde performance art piece designed to make the wingnuts confront their own wackadoodleishness? ‘Cause if they’re serious about believing in all this, I might just have to substitute in a haunch of mutton for the halibut, just to quell the stoopid for a while…

After all, it’s harmless, sure to elicit the truth, and – since we’re talking about engineers – is likely to leave them cleaner than when they walked into my office.

J’acuzzi!

We Stronly object to the term “ham wallet.” We would aslo aske that you refrain from using any of these other terms:

Swine Flu

Porky Plague

The Other Black Death

Piggy Pox

Porkulus

Thank you

“I find it hard to believe that a Frenchman would say “The Bordeaux is good, yes?”…

I doubt all Frenchmen are exactly the same. Some might say “Zis Bordeaux is excellent, no?” or “Ze Burgundy, it c’est bon, oui ? Or “the Chablis, il est très rouge est lui pas ?

I myself would say “Hey, this wine is yummy, pour me some more! Are you going to finish that?”

is likely to leave them cleaner than when they walked into my office.
I tensed. I asked “So it is to be an enema?’
He replied “Mais oui, the $200 Bordeux, a second Cru but you will be amused by it’s presumption”
Almost shamefacedly I murmured “D’accord mon Capitiaine, but could the syringe be warmed first?”

Hey, is the Doctor Missus around today? Just wondering if she made it by TJ’s to pick up some of that awesome chocolate edamame…

“Since when do bistros have $90 entrees and $200 Bordeaux? ”

Since when do bistros in Paris price food and wine in US $$$?

I doubt all Frenchmen are exactly the same. Some might say “Zis Bordeaux is excellent, no?” or “Ze Burgundy, it c’est bon, oui ? Or “the Chablis, il est très rouge est lui pas ?

But wouldn’t a real Frenchman have said “sacre bleu!” at least once during the meal?

I am willing to believe some version of this conversation happened at an Au Bon Pain or Magic Pan franchise at Wheeler’s local mall over crocques monsieurs and a (large) box of Chateau Althouse. And fine example of LARP it was, mais non?

I flunked HTML at the Barbizon School of Modeling.

You people are such cynics, doubting the existence of the mysterious Frenchman who provides such valuable information.

For all you doubting Thomases, I have Video Proof of him at work!

“I find it hard to believe that a Frenchman would say “The Bordeaux is good, yes?”…

Perhaps the Frenchman was Pepe Le Pew

Whoop!!!!! We made a $10 bet on Mine That Bird to win!!!!

A question. Have this Dr. Wheeler and Clive Cussler ever been seen in the same room?

His James Bond days are over …

Sadly, his days of being a fictional British character left him with an incurable case of RFMS syndrome (Ridiculous French Male Stereotype). It is how you say? Very sad, no?

Ergue! Ptui! Bof! Die, Eengleesh peeg dog! Vlan! Pif! Sacre merde!

What I want to know is, where was Chief Editor Kofir?

Ergue! Ptui! Bof! Die, Eengleesh peeg dog! Vlan! Pif! Sacre merde!

He replied “Mais oui, the $200 Bordeux, a second Cru but you will be amused by it’s presumption”
Almost shamefacedly I murmured “D’accord mon Capitiaine, but could the syringe be warmed first?”

Last time we went out for an expensive dinner I got into an argument with the sommelier about how long the wine should breathe before the enema.

How do you say folie à deux in French?

J’acuzzi!

For once I have beaten J– in the race to provide an a propos Goya image.

I think I may have, quite by accident, stumbled upon the root cause of Pam’s crazy. I think this may have been the only doll she had as a child.

Just go. Look. Words fail.

In the bright light of morning, I must tender my apologies for my intemperate outburst of yester-eve. My defense is that the article in question is so ludicrous as to have become almost life-threatening in its risibility, and I responded so profanely purely as a matter of self-defense.

Must say that the tosh looks no more convincing this morning, but alas, all the beret/moustache/sacre bleu jokes have already been used.

It says something about the gullibility of Pam’s readership that this could be believed, though: I’d have said it wouldn’t even be good enough to convince furniture, much less anything with a central nervous system.

Merde.

How can waterboarding be torture when people volunteer to undergo it?

Liberals are such crybabies. Pulling out your fingernails. Electrodes to the testicles. Thumbscrews. THAT is torture.

Waterboarding is discomfort. Do you really think Muslims are offended by it? We’re talking about a part of the world where they cut off peoples heads and stone women, for God’s sake, you dumbshit queefbaits.

This overstuffed, egotistical nutjob, convinced he is deeply entrenched in the secret workings of the geopolitical system, is nuttier than two squirrels in an acorn tree.

Hey now, one of those squirrels infiltrating ACORN is our top operative.

Hey, look, it’s Libmatarian John, who hates TEH EVIL BIG GUMMINT takin’ his tax money unless, of course, it’s for killing brown people.

Tell you what, Johnny. Let’s convince you you’re about to suffer imminent death – drowning, being pushed out a helicopter, whatever – and see how you feel about it even though you didn’t get hurt. Mmmmkay?

“Hey, look, it’s Libmatarian John, who hates TEH EVIL BIG GUMMINT takin’ his tax money unless, of course, it’s for killing brown people”

And look! It’s a big government liberal who thinks the government can do no wrong, except when it comes to fighting terrorism and providing for the common defense.

“being pushed out a helicopter,”

People volunteer to skydive all the time. Fail.

As for “believing your drowning” is it torture when a kid dunks another kid in the local swimming pool during horse play? I mean give me a break.

Is bungee jumping torture now, too?

Do you think we should even be allowed to make assholes like KSM (who want to kill all of us, btw) uncomfortable? Or do you think he should get a 5 star hotel?

So you have no problem with taxes ‘cept when it helps anyone other than the Pentagon and their contractors. Don’t be throwing no tes in the harbor over the military losing billions of our money in Iraq, nossirree.

Youse is a hypocrite, sir.

Do you think we should even be allowed to make assholes like KSM (who want to kill all of us, btw) uncomfortable? Or do you think he should get a 5 star hotel?

No, only a 2-star hotel and no ice in the room, he has to go down the hall for it.

Jesus. You can;t see there might be a few other options than those? What a sociopathic amoral assclown.

Hey, retard, I’m not going to finish myself off. You’re wasting a Saturday night trolling a comments section, best drink me up before the Luger in the drawer decides he wants to have a chat too.

“So you have no problem with taxes ‘cept when it helps anyone other than the Pentagon and their contractors.”

I have no problem with taxes that go to Constitutionally authorized roles for the government.

Common defense, yes, paying a bunch of idiot unemployable in the private sector hippies to sing “Kumbaya” in some housing project for “national service” no.

Basic infrastructure, yes. “High speed” rail to line Biden’s pockets, no.

Border defense, yes. Bailing out shitty auto companies like Chrysler and GM with their parasitic Unions, hell fucking no.

Oh, I see the idiot troll is back. Still haven’t answered my question as to why, when evaluating the parasitism of the red states, we should consider military bases by population, but we shouldn’t consider fucking population by population.

BTW John-boy, are you sure you aren’t the talk show caller I talked about before? ‘Cause you sould like the same kind of smarmy little thug who can’t get his story straight (it’s not torture it’s “discomfort” but it’s okay if it is torture ’cause those people are animals).

I’m a teetotaler asswipe.

Oui oui, eet eez un vin Americain, how you say, zee Reeple.

Border defense, yes.

Which, of course, to a paleolithic knuckle-dragging moron like yourself means not law enforcement but laying nuclear land mines across the border with Mexico. Which is the only border slobbering jingo yahoos like yourself give a damn about.

Don’t worry,Reverend Wrong, once the taxpayer is finished ponying up big bailout bucks for the entire fucking midwest with their parasitic Unions (GM and Chrysler) you’ll be taking way, way more money from us than the other way around.

I’m a teetotaler asswipe.

I think you ment to put a comma in there, Chomsky, ’cause the way you wrote it you’re admitting you’re the asswipe.

Come to think of it, I like it better your way. Carry on, MacGuff.

I have no problem with taxes that go to Constitutionally authorized roles for the government….Basic infrastructure, yes….

Uh, oh! Heretic! John would get drummed out of the Confederacy for that one! After the war when they decided that fighting to extend slavery to the Territories didn’t sound so good any more, “No taxation for internal improvements” became their prime mantra.

John is an evil Yankee! Shun him, shun him!

Yeah, its the Internet it must be true. Now drink up, those memories about how you didn’t last five minutes at the singles bar will be back any minute now.

“Which is the only border slobbering jingo yahoos like yourself give a damn about.”

Just shows how out of touch you are. There’s going to be a big backlash from blacks over illegal immigration in the next few years (hispanics take the most jobs from them) especially in an age of high unemployment. Obambi’s “rainbow coalition” will turn to shit when that happens.

with their parasitic Unions

’cause you see it’s the guys in the boardrooms who make the cars! By magic! They just use their magical free-market pixie dust and the cars come rolling out all shiny and new. Not as if there’s anyone working to assemble them, you know, people who actually work hard for a living and deserve a fair return for their labor. Nope.

While Jack has often been called a “real life Narcissus” and is part of the mix of historical figures Dennis Spooner used (along with his own imagination) to create his fictional hero Jason King (the others: Peter Wyngarde, the actor who brought King to life onscreen, and John Rechy, author of “City of Night”) — Jason King is cartoon fiction, and Wheeler is real.

Here are some bio highlights:
* At 16, he was adopted into a clan of Shuara Jivaro headhunters in the Amazon.
* At 17, he hunted and killed a man-eating tiger responsible for the deaths of over 20 Montagnard tribespeople in the highlands of South Viet Nam.
* At 18, he discovered the last dodo, long thought to be extinct, then killed and ate it.
* At 22, he descended into Hades (the underworld of the ancient Greeks) and ate a pomegranate, recreating the legend of Persephone.
* His book, The Adventurer’s Guide, was described by Steve Allen as “The perfect sedative for anyone who just cannot get to sleep.”
* He has three “first contacts” with alien races never seen before or since by the human world: the Eeeps of Alpha Cetalon IV, the Ops of Galactia Arla, and the Ork-Orks of Neptune.

Jean, Jean, Jean, mangez un sac du, how you say? Deeks

Moar French jokes, less troll feeding, sil vous plait.

There’s going to be a big backlash from blacks over illegal immigration in the next few years

Oh, I’m sure they told you that. Suuuuure they did. I’m sure you hang out with all kindsa black people, yup.

Is this “backlash” before or after everyone gets the Number of The Beast tattooed on their forehead?

“’cause you see it’s the guys in the boardrooms who make the cars! By magic!”

Good fucking God you’re the biggest dumbass I’ve ever met. Were you an ethnic “studies” major?

Look at the non-union transplant automobile plants in the south. They’re profitable and actually make good cars. Unlike the shit that passes off for transportation in Michigan.

Good fucking God you’re the biggest dumbass I’ve ever met.

So you don’t spend a lot of time looking in mirrors, then?

big backlash from blacks

Blacklash!

Unions are a big reason why Alabama will pass Michigan as the #1 manufacturing state sometime in the next few years. Even if Obambi tries to keep the zombie car companies alive with our hard earned tax dollars.

non-union transplant automobile plants

All that says to me is we pay shitty enough wages in this country, thanks to idjits like you who’ve knobbled the unions, that we are now Japan’s equivalent of a Mexican maquiladora.

Boy, that’s something to be proud of, eh?

zombie car companies

Well, you’ll be immune from their quest for brains, I guess.

BTW “Obambi” – which moron talk show host did you steal that from, or did you think it up all on your lil’ own?

Still waiting, douchebrain!

West Virginia, $1.75; California, $.80. Enumerate all the military bases in West Virginia that pull that figure up. Go!

Oh no Pere, we should be very proud that we’re propping up two dead companies, flushing our money down the toilet while the working men and women in the Toyota and Honda plants in the South have to compete without federal assistance. Is that really fair? There are winners and losers in the market. GM and Chrysler are LOSERS. Why shouldn’t the winners reap the benefit of making a better product at a lower price? It’s the way of the world, the weak die.

John, you’re getting off-message. You’re supposed to be screeching, “Buy Amurkin!” You’ll be drummed out of the Idiots Corps if you don’t stick to the talking points.

I’m getting dizzy with this rapid reversal of wingnut themes. For fuck’s sake, the French are good, Toyota rocks, Amurkin autos suck – it’s like a whole new wingnut reality.

Is John just another version of the Troof? I can’t tell. If he is, it’s like he dropped another anti-psych from his daily pill regimen. I don’t remember Troof being quite this foaming-at-the-mouth mad. John’s like Kevin of the Lawns crossed with a rat terrier. A rat terrier with a really bad disposition and a propensity to nip ankles.

I still miss Bruce.

“West Virginia, $1.75; California, $.80”

Ever heard of Robert Byrd (D-WV)? The senile old fool racist can hardly feed his stupid ass, yet he manages to still rape the treasury every chance he gets.

Oh, and if libs actually let West Virginia exploit its natural resources (namely, coal) instead of being economically strangled by the enviro-wackos, maybe West Virginia wouldn’t need so much federal money. Same goes for Alaska (oil). Mine and drill, mine and drill, and those states would do just fine without the federal teat.

The plot thickens.

Of course, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms spit in the eye of the federal government when they tried to give them money. Smarter trolls, please!

Heck yeah, John, let’s just keep chopping the tops off those mountains. They get in the way of the view, don’t they?

Moron.

All that says to me is we pay shitty enough wages in this country, thanks to idjits like you who’ve knobbled the unions, that we are now Japan’s equivalent of a Mexican maquiladora.

Boy, that’s something to be proud of, eh?

Well, actually, yes.

Because if you distill John’s beliefs about the utmost good that can possibly come of democratic government, its highest goal, what it boils down to is that government should remove all barriers to allowing a few people to own everything.

Of course he’s free to explain why that isn’t a fair representation of really the only guiding principle he holds, and should he attempt to do so, it should provide at least a moment of hilarity.

“Of course, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms spit in the eye of the federal government when they tried to give them money. ”

Hey, former Democrats. The big spending habit is hard to break.

he working men and women in the Toyota and Honda plants in the South have to compete without federal assistance

Oh, don’t fucking cry me crocodile tears for the workers, ’cause you don’t give a shit about them, Chucko. Were they to try to unionize you’d trash them too.

Pay attention to me!

“Heck yeah, John, let’s just keep chopping the tops off those mountains. They get in the way of the view, don’t they?

Moron.”

Then don’t bitch like a whiney little fag when West Virginia (or Alaska or Wyoming) takes more federal money than the recieve. If the feds would allow them to mine, drill, and develop, they wouldn’t need any federal assistance.

It’s really sick how Democrats prepetuate the cycle of government dependence.

Mine and drill, mine and drill, and those states would do just fine without the federal teat.

Of course, they’d be up to their eyeballs in toxic sludge, but who cares when there’s profits to be made?

Of course, they’d be up to their eyeballs in toxic sludge,

No problem…that’s what SUPERFUND is for!!!

oh…wait….

Don’t worry,Reverend Wrong, once the taxpayer is finished ponying up big bailout bucks for the entire fucking midwest with their parasitic Unions (GM and Chrysler) you’ll be taking way, way more money from us than the other way around.

Thread trolljacked again. Oh well…

It’s amusing how all the major eeeeevil Obama adminstration’s offenses (like the above nonsense) consist of what’s GOING TO HAPPEN – but about anything that’s actually HAPPENED, not so much. (Except that they hate Obama’s very existence, and he is clearly to blame for existing.)

“Obama is a FUTURE fail! And that’s much worse than any fail that’s actually HAPPENED!”

prepetuate

I think you mean perpetuate, Chomsky.

(pressing thumb and forefingers to lips with an exagerrated “smooch” noise. oo-la-la, le mange a troll! c’est magnifique!

“Of course, they’d be up to their eyeballs in toxic sludge, but who cares when there’s profits to be made?”

Again,. queefbait, if you want to restrict what economic activity they can take part in don’t be so shocked when they take more federal money than they recieeve.

Except that they hate Obama’s very existence, and he is clearly to blame for existing.

I’ll be genuinely surprised if they manage to get through the next eight years without publically unloading the “N” word.

Alaska pumps all the oil they can possibly ship all the way across the fucking state in the Welfare Pipeline. We buy it at much higher than the going rate: more wingnut welfare. And then they fucking bite the hand that feeds them. Fuck Alaska! Let them and Texas secede!

How would y’all like it if the federal government passed a regulation forbidding New Jersey from refining oil or petrochemicals? Or forbid Hollywood from making movies? That’s what its like when the feds own half the land in Alaska and don’t allow them to drill, or pass regulations forbidding WV from mining for more coal.

Mountain top removal? Property rights. They should have every right to do it, it’s THEIR PROPERTY.

I’ll be genuinely surprised if they manage to get through the next eight years without publically unloading the “N” word.

Shit, they already beat the odds by making it through the convention without saying it from the stage in prime time.

Notice something: this troll throws a gratuitous and vicious insult into every comment, as if he’s about to get VERY ANGRY, yet he never does.

Let’s make this interesting. Who’d care to start naming names as to who is behind this parody troll?

Or forbid Hollywood from making movies?

You know, there’s definitely some toxic waste that’s come out in the past few years that I’d have been more than happy seeing federally blocked. Showgirls, for one.

It’s like every regular poster here is just standing around, starving, hoping some extra-chromosome troll will wander in and feed them! Enough already, sheesh!

I can just see John’s house now – him staggering out into the yard in the morning, peeing in the front bushes and yelling at the cops that “ITZ MAH PROPERTEEE!” every time the neighbors call them over.

“as if he’s about to get VERY ANGRY, yet he never does.”

How the fuck do you know what I am, pussy faggot?

That’s what its like when the feds own half the land in Alaska and don’t allow them to drill,

I’m confused. I always thought you guys were all about property rights. If the feds own it, it’s certainly up to the feds to decide how it can be used and by whom. And since the “feds” represent all of us collectively, which means we own all that land in Alaska collectively, and there are 310 million of us, only 500,000 of whom live in Alaska, well then, why would we allow 1/6th of 1 percent of all of us to get sole discretion over land that belongs to ALL of us?

Who’d care to start naming names as to who is behind this parody troll?

I think it’s Bill Ayers trying to rebrand himself after the election.

Anyone else notice that the troll problem gets especially bad on Saturday night? Yeah, I know the whole “got nothing better to do” argument, but anyone got anything better?

“I’m confused. I always thought you guys were all about property rights.”

Of private individuals yes, of government, no. Government should own as little land as necessary. It certainly shouldn’t be in the business of banning a frozen wasteland from oil drilling because it might hurt some caribou and the feelings of a bunch of San Fran hippies who’ve never been to Alaska.

I dare John to volunteer.

the feelings of a bunch of San Fran hippies who’ve never been to Alaska

Well, by that same logic it shouldn’t be bombing the crap out of brown people to assuage the feelings of some dipshits in Orange County who’ve never been to Afghanistan.

Those San Fran hippies OWN Alaska, moron. There are more hippies in San Francisco than there are people in the whole friggin’ state of Alaska.

I dare John to volunteer.

Yeah, He-Man, it doesn’t hurt and it’s no worse than being dunked in a playground swimming pool, after all.

“Well, by that same logic it shouldn’t be bombing the crap out of brown people to assuage the feelings of some dipshits in Orange County who’ve never been to Afghanistan.”

We bombed Afghanistan to avenge the deaths of 3,000 Americans and take out the Taliban.

But isn’t Obambi for the war, libs? What? You don’t agree with him there?? RACIIIIIIIIIST! RACIST RACIST RACIST!!!

Anyone else notice that the troll problem gets especially bad on Saturday night?

Wingnuts eat bigger cheetos on the weekend.

I flunked HTML at the Barbizon School of Modeling.

I’m a Handsome Boy graduate myself.

More humiliation here.

FYWP

It’s like every regular poster here is just standing around, starving, hoping some extra-chromosome torll will wander in and feed them! Enough already, sheesh!

or troll, even

FYWP, also.

What the fuck is wrong with you, John? Seriously. I’ve wanted to ask a wingnut that question for a long time. If you’re not a parody, which I suspect you are, I’d really like to know how you got this way. Were you raised to be pissed off and angry all the time, always fearing that somewhere, somehow, someone whose religion/skin color/ethnicity/socioeconomic status was getting some little pittance to which they weren’t entitled? Was your dad a hard-ass authoritarian who whooped on you a lot?

Dig this, John: I’m thinking of giving a year to a government volunteer service program, where I’ll be paid less than minimum wage but I’ll be eligible for food stamp bennies, receive free government health insurance, get to defer my student loans, get a stipend at the end of my service period, all for . . . are you ready? . . . helping working poor people find and access the government services for which they are eligible. And I’ll feel good about it, too, because I’ll be helping people to get a leg up. And it will look good on the resume a year from now when I’m looking to work for 1) the gov – I won’t have to compete for fed agency positions because of my service 2) a civil rights/immigration law firm 3) a tort firm, so I can sue corporations that hurt people 4) work for a really liberal politician.

W00t!

I hope it really eats you up! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh ……….

Waterboarding isn’t torture because people volunteer for it. Nevermind that they’re absurdly fit young men who volunteer for it as a lesson in how to withstand torture. That’s irrelevant. And amputating a limb isn’t disfigurement, because people with gangrene volunteer to have their limbs amputated.

Remeber, feeding a troll is like playing chess with a retarded dog. You both learn calculus and the pigeon likes it.

Can’t believe we’re at 250+ comments and there have been no French-kiss-tongue jokes. If I were sober I’d make them.

OT, but OnT for my first sentence: Brooklyn Black Ops. http://www.beermenus.com/beers/brooklyn-black-ops-barrel-aged C’est Magnif-hic-ique!

John the Brave:

I saw a man get shot out of a cannon at a fair once, therefore when the British executed sepoys, it wasn’t really an execution! QED!

nom du nom! Thees Jon-trroll ees not fun-ay et all! Trrollls must be funny, n’est pas ?

Eet ees to laff, zees stoopit taroll.

Je mees Broos.

Enough of the troll-feeding. I’m pulling a sixteen-hour grind on the job, and I need some real entertainment, sil vous plait.

As to whether the troll-feeding continues, I’ll take a wait and see approach.

“Perhaps the Frenchman was Pepe Le Pew”

True story:

When Mrs. OneMan and I were sailing across the Pacific, one of our stops was in Papeete, Tahiti. We were lucky enough to be able to tie up to the Quai downtown. One night, we went out to a nightclub. This nightclub had a host, who stood at the door with a microphone, welcoming the guests as they arrived: “Bienvenue, and welcome to Club (whateveritwas)!”

The Mrs. and I looked at each other and burst out “Pepe Le Pew!” He sounded just like him.

The next morning, we told this story to the couple in the boat next to ours. The man looked at us blankly. He’d never heard of Pepe le Pew. An attorney from New York, he never read fiction and didn’t watch TV. Fun guy!

“Dig this, John: I’m thinking of giving a year to a government volunteer service program, where I’ll be paid less than minimum wage but I’ll be eligible for food stamp bennies, receive free government health insurance, get to defer my student loans, get a stipend at the end of my service period, all for . . . are you ready? . . . helping working poor people find and access the government services for which they are eligible.”

so you’re going to go on welfare to get other people to go on welfare? Wow.

How about I rob you at the point of a gun, then use the money to live off of while I teach other people who to rub you at the point of a gun? Cause that’s what your doing. You’re becoming a parasite to enable other parasites. It’s almost like choosing to become Swine Flu for a year. Get in, destroy other peoples wealth, then move on when its all sucked dry. You’re fucking sick.

I love this shit! All of the United States west of the Appalachians is the undivided property of the American people. When these fucking douchenozzles had power from 1865 on, they made sure the Federal government’s only source of revenue was to sell off the country to the fucking robber barons for pennies an acre. So now it’s all protected by those sacred “property rights” Fuck that shit! All those sales were invalid. Let’s take them back!

So let me ask you, St. Candy:

Why do you hate the successful? Why do you want to steal wealth from the winners in life and give it to the losers? Is it because you’re a loser, too? Is it jealousy? Is it to line your pockets? Honest questions.

He’d never heard of Pepe le Pew. An attorney from New York, he never read fiction and didn’t watch TV.

Obviously a Soviet mole. And you, sir, 1sir, are under suspicion for having not reported him. No having reported him. Reported him not having.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks, John, that felt really good. Whew!

I really did enjoy that a LOT!

PLEASE. STOP. FEEDING. TROLL.

Stop, Johnny, I’m getting a stitch in my side.

You really shouldn’t be so predictable.

“Waterboarding isn’t torture because people volunteer for it…”

You mean all those Arabs and afghanistan sheperds VOLUNTEERED?

Well Dog my Cats! That changes everything.

We bombed Afghanistan to avenge the deaths of 3,000 Americans and take out the Taliban.

Boy, we did such a great job on both counts, eh?

Those 3000 American are still dead and the Taliban is now in Pakistan.

Wonder what jerkass was Preznit when all that epic fail happened…?

Steerpike, note the thoughtfully appended Saint designation in the nym. Killfile the saints.

Why do you want to steal wealth from the winners in life and give it to the losers?

I’m confused – so she’s giving it to you?

But here’s the thing, Candy. Someday you’re going to run out of wealth to steal. There will be no “rich” left to tax. They’ll all just give up working and go on welfare, too, hide their money offshore, bet put in prison by the govt, etc. Once you’ve turned everyone into a parasite, guess what? A parasite can’t live without a host. And that’s how socialism ends. It runs out of fresh blood to suck. Look at the USSR.

A parasite can’t live without a host.

But if the parasite can’t drill for oil in its own back yard it’s justified in sucking as much blood as possible.

So, does troll-chow taste like candy?

Artist’s conception of French intel guy at :07.

Savouir-Faire eez ef’rywhare!

And what have we learned from today’s troll history lesson?

I just knew I’d get a boatload of laffs out of that comment.

Troll teh trolls. I don’t indulge often, but it has its pleasures.

I’m through, though. Too much would be overkill. I just like to poke the mean spirited little fuckers now and then. The only fly in the ointment is that, if John is a parody, it’s all moot. Ah, well, so it goes.

Who’d care to start naming names as to who is behind this parody troll?

Donald Duck?
Yosemite Sam?
Spank the Monkey?

What John Said!

People volunteer to skydive all the time. Fail.

Even this is not enough of, how you say, a clue for me that I’m not about to start arguing with a fake wingnut.

Ahem.

As I said:

“Because if you distill John’s beliefs about the utmost good that can possibly come of democratic government, its highest goal, what it boils down to is that government should remove all barriers to allowing a few people to own everything.

Of course he’s free to explain why that isn’t a fair representation of really the only guiding principle he holds, and should he attempt to do so, it should provide at least a moment of hilarity.”

I see he ain’t even gonna try.

And just like that—poof!–stupid troll vanishes, like a fart in a fan factory!

I’m done for now. Fuck kicking your ass, libs, be back another time, parasites.

And what have we learned from today’s troll history lesson?

Angry asshole sociopathic moron troll is an angry asshole sociopathic moron. With no sense of humor and a teeny tiny man-thing.

Fuck kicking your ass, libs, be back another time, parasites.

G’Bye! G’Bye! Don’t get eaten by rats!

On second thought…

When I saw that 100 new comments were posted in the span of a couple hours, I was kind of hoping it’d be a fresh, new troll. This one’s chewy.

I was right. It did provide a moment of hilarity.

But only a moment.

I can just see John now, doin’ his lil’ victory dance around his crusty basement room, yelling “WOOT!” and jabbing his finger at his inflatable girlfreind.

It said on the invitation that there would be puns.

Damn it, Smut, I thought it said buns.

I was really hoping it’d be someone from Pam’s comments, or even better, Jack Wheeler himself, but no. Christmas comes but once a year.

Oh, thank heavens he promised he’d be back! Don’t worry, troll, I’m sure everyone here will stock up on lots of yummy troll-chow for you!

can haz fresh thred now?

Steerpike baits the troll respondents like some superior other kind of troll.

7: 04 PDT, that’s 10:04 EDT, he declares victory and signs off. Wonder what public computer he got kicked off of at that time?

I forgot to de-saint. You know, though, it kind of gives me a Joan of Arc* buzz, being a saint and all. It’s omething that no one has ever j-acuzzi’d me of before.

I guess in the spirit of the post I should say Jeanne d’Arc*.

Steerpike baits the troll respondents like some superior other kind of troll.

A school-marm troll, perhaps?

I guess in the spirit of the post I should say Jeanne d’Arc*.

Around some other parts of the internets, I go by JennOfArk.

Au contraire! I believe troll-respondents deserve ever-so-slightly more respect than actual trolls. I try to gently remind the regulars here that we are better than the nasty trollses and we should not be dragged down to their level.

I understand the urge to take them on, and to be honest, I first bookmarked this site to witness–and occasionally take part in–a good troll-smackdown from time to time. But to be honest, there are some posters here who get waa-hay-hay-hayto involved with these low-lifes.

Let ’em go. You’re not going to convert them, and they really do win just by being fought, sometimes.

Fuck kicking your ass, libs, be back another time, parasites.

Gosh, he sounds so tough and macho. We’re all really impressed down here.

Jennifer, I thought that was you on some other blog, can’t remember which one. You write so well, with a recongnizable voice.

JennOfArk. That’s clever.

there.

I was really hoping it’d be someone from Pam’s comments, or even better, Jack Wheeler himself, but no. Christmas comes but once a year

Jack Wheeler is too busy to troll, as he’s smoking Bin Laden out of his Pakistani cave, armed only with a flu-infected schoolboy.

Candy – that’s my nom de blog at TPM, TBogg, and pretty much any place where I have to register and there’s likely to already be another Jennifer around. I don’t comment too much at other places – mostly here and Wash. Monthly, where I’m always just Jennifer.

Hey, since a majority of the flu-sufferers here in the states are high-school students, shouldn’t the virus be known as swain flu?

Damn it, Smut, I thought it said buns.

Look a couple of blogs over that way.

It was probably on TBogg that I saw you, then, Jennifer. I read him every great once in a while.

I read TBogg, but for some reason, I end up forgetting about him sometimes for whole days at a time. My faves are the snarksters of the universe, which is why this is kind of home base. And it’s a fine public service the Sadlies provide for us all!

there’s likely to already be another Jennifer around

Are you anywhere in here?

Hey, since a majority of the flu-sufferers here in the states are high-school students, shouldn’t the virus be known as swain flu?

My son is at prom tonight. I hope he doesn’t get the swain flu. Or the brown bottle flu, for that matter. Last time he managed to get inebriated he yarked in my floor bucket.

yep, he’s a chip off the old block. Flaming youth.

I read TBogg, but for some reason, I end up forgetting about him sometimes for whole days at a time. My faves are the snarksters of the universe, which is why this is kind of home base. And it’s a fine public service the Sadlies provide for us all!

Yes, this is home base for me too. Other than Sadly, World o’Crap is probably the funniest blog around. I spend some time at Orcinus – usually at least check in daily – and Pharyngula. Other than an occasional visit to Lawyers, Guns, & Money and Bats Left, Throws Right, that’s about it.

#

Jennifer said,

May 2, 2009 at 19:44

pedestrian – obviously invented, otherwise pink tutu woman would have been on a unicycle.

No, no. The Pink-Person-On-Unicycle position has already been filled out here.

My favorite was when he came into a bar I was in and started fucking with people. It takes serious skill to ride one of those in a crowded place. The guy is actually pretty amazing.

Fucking federal government’s regulations are putting a major kibosh on my product roadmap.

Oh, poor John, let’s remember that Mercedes doesn’t trust the Proud People of Alabama to build its engines. Likewise BMW and South Carolina.

In the meantime, keep wishing you were like your great-granpappy the slaveowner.

Is there some reason our latest dipshit hasn’t been disemvoweled yet?

Yep, the pinhead returneth – oh, look, it brought its rocket-propelled goalposts, too, just like I asked. Thurmond & Helms don’t count! I know you are but what am i?!/1?! No fair using facts! NO U!!!one!1!!1!

How can waterboarding be torture when people volunteer to undergo it?

Whatever you say, Mr. Hannity.

I’m a teetotaler asswipe.

Hah, indeed. It’s funny because it’s true … if you drank, you’d just be a regular asswipe – the first one’s on the house!

How the fuck do you know what I am, pussy faggot?

Because you keep coming here & letting everyone see what you had for supper last night, dedicated to the delusion that anybody gives a fuck.

You’re the reason noone ever went broke buying stock in condom companies. Live by the talking-points, die by the talking-points … problem is, prefab bullshit stinks just as bad as homemade … I guess some folks are just too chickenshit to make up their own minds. The madder you get, the more we LOL, yet you keep coming back for more … I guess it’s cheaper than a dominatrix, eh?

Mine and drill, mine and drill

Yeah, that strategery worked like a charm for that economic titan, Kentucky, didn’t it, sunshine?

It’s really sick how Democrats prepetuate the cycle of government dependence.

It’s really hilarious how government always bloats up like Octomom on HGH whenever Republicans get their tentacles on it – yet certain ideologically deluded dipshits never seem to notice that incontrovertible fact.

Reality Fail – Teh Breakfast Of Wingnuts!

O.T.

Randy Andy BreitBlart trolls my ‘hood in a May Day teabaggin’ extravaganza. Comedy gold in them thar photos, tambien:

http://www.pasadenastarnews.com/ci_12276223

Illinois norks. I hate Illinois norks.

I’m thinking of giving a year to a government volunteer service program, where I’ll be paid less than minimum wage but I’ll be eligible for food stamp bennies, receive free government health insurance, get to defer my student loans, get a stipend at the end of my service period, all for . . . are you ready? . . . helping working poor people find and access the government services for which they are eligible.

Ayn Rand wept.

John the Troll said, in response to: “being pushed out a helicopter,”

“People volunteer to skydive all the time. Fail.”

This is the level of debate you get with these idiots. Their pathology is interesting, yes, but only as a subject of study. You don’t want to actually DISCUSS anything with them. It’s like debating a crazy person on the subway platform.

There may be an interesting phenomenon here, though. Politics presents itself, to the naive, as a marketplace of ideas, where opposing sides argue in good faith in the hope of persuading those not yet committed.

In reality, it’s not so much a marketplace of ideas as a marketplace of commodities, where everyone’s a salesperson desperate to say anything (regardless of how true or false) to make the sale.

But most salespeople probably know the difference between what they promise regarding their wares, and the truth. What we now see among the GOP and the right is the inability to tell the difference. They talk nonsense, paranoia, made-up shit, conspiracy accusations, third-hand rumors, etc. *and they believe them.*

That’s not salesmanship. That’s delusion. That’s crazy. And that’s where they are now, after Bush, Iraq, Cheney-Rumsfeld, and the whole fiction of the Bush presidency. They have been driven mad by their own lies.

Kewl!

Ayn Rand wept.

Hee hee

Well done, though, St. Candy. That’s service in the finest socialest tradition.

Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist: I clicked over on the Shakira video, and I think I understand what happened to TrollieJohn (if he made it that far). Christ, it’s just an unending series of shots of Shakira’s ass shaking, flexing, gyrating, cracking walnuts, debugging ActionScript and defying authority to march on Washington.

Reminds me of back in Venezuela, the downmarket Caracas tabloid El Diario used to have a special Monday edition “El Diario En La Playa” that was just page after page of close-up shots of tanned, perfectly toned buttocks, slathered in suntan oil. While initially interesting, after a while, it all blurs together and starts looking a bit like the cooking section.

Which, of course, brings us full circle to the ham wallet.

Reminds me of back in Venezuela, the downmarket Caracas tabloid El Diario used to have a special Monday edition “El Diario En La Playa” that was just page after page of close-up shots of tanned, perfectly toned buttocks, slathered in suntan oil.

Sounds more like the Daily Newspaper of Caracass.

Ah, TEH BUTTOCKS gambit. I see.

debugging ActionScript

Snerk!

While initially interesting, after a while, it all blurs together and starts looking a bit like the cooking section.

Amazing to think such a thing could happen, but I can imagine.

Maybe I did stumble on a way to distract Mister Teh Trolly-pants! Wouldn’t that be something? In any case, it can hardly hurt to follow up any troll post with a bunch of youtube links to videos of Teh Buttocks.

I was too young to vote against Nixon in 1968, but I did get to vote against him in 1972. I yield to no-one in my hatred of Nixon. And yet…the Nixon administration came within an inch of instituting a negative income tax. For those of you too young to have ever heard of such an outrageous commie idea, that’s a guaranteed minimum income for everybody!

Now, this is what we’ve sunk to: All the “Democrat Socialist” party can think of is to raise the maximum marginal rate to 40% of what it was under Eisenhower, and the mainstream opposition view is that all these parasitic money-manipulators are the “productive” members of society and deserve to keep all of their “hard-earned” swag.

I am continuously horrified at the regression in our political spectrum the last 40 years, and I can only wonder if it’s possible to ever return to a more civilized era.

I am continuously horrified at the regression in our political spectrum the last 40 years, and I can only wonder if it’s possible to ever return to a more civilized era.

Likewise. I’m cautiously optimistic about our prospects. I think education is key; a lot of right-wing fables fall apart if people know some history and math.

And English doesn’t hurt, either – it allows students to cultivate a healthy snobbishness about horrible rightard punctuation.

I can only wonder if it’s possible to ever return to a more civilized era.

So, do I go with the Obi-Wan quote or the Dr Soberin quote? A little help…

If it makes you any less uncomfortable, I usually say I’m stoned as an Iranian adulterer.

My favorite pickup line is “I’m hung like an Iranian gay”–which accounts for the fact that I’m typing alone at ten minutes past midnight and stoned like a Saudi whore.

Thanks, BBBB; I’ll take the Obi-Wan quote, I think. As for “weapons for a more civilized age,” if torture is a weapon now, we could be talking about WWII-era Germany.

Back before The Great Depression 2.0 (you can tell by the roundy corners on the tent cities) we used to get fresh threads all the time. Rationing sucks.

Thanks, BBBB; I’ll take the Obi-Wan quote, I think.

I screwed up with the second link- the “quotes” page for Kiss Me Deadly leaves out the second half of the quote, which knocks it into the stratosphere.

What is it we are seeking? Diamonds, rubies, gold? Perhaps narcotics? How civilized this earth used to be. But as the world becomes more primitive, its treasures become more fabulous

*SPOILER ALERT*

The quote accompanies an interrogation scene.

And English doesn’t hurt, either – it allows students to cultivate a healthy snobbishness about horrible rightard punctuation.

“Rightwing Pundit” is a language of its own; it can’t be judged by the standards of English:

“For twenty terces I phrase the answer in clear and actionable language; for ten I use the language of cant, which occasionally admits of ambiguity; for five, I speak a parable which you must interpret as you will; and for one terce, I babble in an unknown tongue.”

It’s just that the wingnut welfare has been declining of late.

All this puts me in mind of the quote from the un-named Bush official **cough kkkarlrove cough** :

We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality — judiciously, as you will — we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.

Man, that asshole sure has done a number.

Sorry that I always have to try to steer the conversation to fagmos, but what about that line about “Polygamous Homosexual Marriage”? I’m just curious why he thinks that “pathologically promiscuous homosexuals” could be polygamous? Etymology FAIL (unless he’s talking about teh lesbians, who don’t really have a reputation for cruising the back rooms for hot gloryhole action). They’re called “triads”, or if you wanna get cutesy, “thruples”.

a-and anyway, Dr. Chandra was HAL’s 1st instructor.

It’s just that the wingnut welfare has been declining of late.

Pretty soon, Breitbart’s gonna start paying his columnists in strakh.

All this puts me in mind of the quote from the un-named Bush official **cough kkkarlrove cough** :

God, that quote is one of the smarmiest, most villainous bits of verbal offal ever voiced. And it’s that unbelievably condescending “judiciously, as you will” that pushes it over the line into world-class speaker-needs-a-bop-on-the-snoot territory.

I hope kkkarl’s created reality includes some stripey sunlight for him real soon.

fucking hell. another s,n thread ruined not by trolls but by yous gois hoisting yourselves upon your own petard. Figuratively.

Pretty soon, Breitbart’s gonna start paying his columnists in strakh.

I saw what you did there.

I saw what you did there.

Oh, wow – I knew I recognized “strakh”, but I couldn’t remember where from. I haven’t read that story in donkey’s years – thanks for the reminder and the link, you two.

Tha link given above to the Teabaggers’ descent on Pasadena is worth checking out. Even if the ‘bags already seem as distant and ludicrous as last year’s “let’s hand out tire gauges” stunt.

The lede says it all:

Dozens of people gathered

It should come as no surprise that Jack Wheeler has been embraced by WorldNetDaily. See here to read how John McCain collaborated with his communist captors at the Hanoi Hilton and will be destroyed in the ’08 election by Hillary Clinton and her lesbian lover.

Wheeler has also pontificated on how various minor gaffes Obama made during the campaign are “consistent with the use of either amphetamines or cocaine.”

From the Pasadena StarNews article:

Victoria Jackson, a former Saturday Night Live actress, took the stage and sang: “People we have a problem, a half of us are ignorant… the liberals, the socialists, the communists” while strumming a guitar.

I wonder if Ms. Jackson thought that all the teabagging was in preparation for a sequel to Casual Sex?

And in other washed-up SNL performer political news: JIm Breuer petitions the FDA for stricter marijuana enforcement, and Ellen Cleghorne speaks out against Affirmative Action.

That’s really sad. Victoria Jackson was really cute, well…20 years ago. Never mind.

He was referring to the huge underground city complex of Langley’s underneath the US Embassy in the Israeli capital.

As an ubergeek, I am ashamed that I didn’t make the connection between Langley’s Leftist Legions and the deros until now. Obviously, I don’t remember Lemuria. As penance, I will read the entire sports section of my local paper tomorrow.

The next adventure–Jack Wheeler joins Jack Bauer and Jack Harkness in a desperate bid to travel back in time and prevent the Islamofascists from planting bogus Obama birth notices in the Hawaiian newspapers. With a special appearance by Jack Abramoff!
And Jack Jack, Conservative Baby Superhero.

How did we all forget to include Jack Chick in this illustrious pack of Jacks?

How did we all forget to include Jack Chick in this illustrious pack of Jacks?

Or Cap’n Jack Sparrow?

I believe the correct pronunciation in French is fabu-LISTQUE-ity.

It’s late, and I’m drunk, but thios is too good not to be reprduced in its enitrety:

No matter how exhausted from campaigning you are, you don’t make a mistake like that under any normal circumstances. Saying there are 57 states – actually 58, or is it 59? – is such an egregiously stupid error that it is evidence of brain malfunction.

Barack Hussein Obama’s hair must be tested for drugs. If he refuses, it will add to the suspicion – as will every inexplicably stupid blunder he makes from now on.

http://www.tothepointnews.com/content/view/3208/2/

Thanks to Terry K.for the link.

failbolique

>?

Christ, it’s just an unending series of shots of Shakira’s ass shaking, flexing, gyrating, cracking walnuts, debugging ActionScript and defying authority to march on Washington.

When Teh Editors linked to that video (or a similar compilation), someone commented roughly along the lines [I can’t be stuffed looking up the details’] of “Perhaps it’s a kind of nervous tic. Perhaps she doesn’t realise she’s doing that.”
Beer, keyboard… Oh, I see you’re already acquainted.

From a troll-infested thread a couple of days ago:
Kiss my ass. I was an engineering major at a prestigious school with a high GPA, and had a high paying job right after graduation. You’re a liberal arts major at a shit university, weren’t you? Explains a lot.

Constructing an on-line persona to accompany your chosen nym is like constructing a character in drama or fiction. Adumbrate the back-story with deft touches, letting the clues leak out by what you don’t say as much as what you say. If you’re reduced to blurting out your biography, it takes the magic away.

and had a high paying job

Herein lies the true “origin story” of the angry troll.
Probably had an “ethnic” supervisor.

Hips don’t lie.

Hips don’t lie

I prefer her collaboration with Danzig.

I prefer her collaboration with Danzig.

FYWP:

I posted this at Whizzbang. How long before I am banned?

“Was John McCain “tortured”? Arguably if you are a liberal but I am sure an intellectually honest conservative (hah!) would have to conclude it was only enhanced interrogation. If he provided useful information that may have possibly saved one life, certainly all can agree that it was justified.”

I already bought the entire “Enhanced Interrogation” disc set where they made it widescreen and redid the effects and the surround sound from the original recordings; I just don’t have the money to buy the Blu-Ray version. Seems like a waste of money.

I, as an expert in bestioligical research can conclude with a reasonable degree of medical certainty that Dr Jack Wheeler’s syntax and phrasing in the above excerpted article exhibits (h/t to distinguished snarkiologist commie athiest @ 9:02) many warning signs of goat-fucking syndrome, or GFS as it is more commonly known. Thank you for bringing this to our attention commie atheist sir. Please someone, alert the proper authorities.

A neuroscientist with years of research into drug abuse and brain chemistry …Obambi…

It always supports the scholarly tone of your scientific thesis when you use a partisan perjorative nickname to refer to your subject. It really adds intellectual weight to your argument.

I spelled beastiological wrong. My bad.

Jack Wheeler is too busy to troll, as he’s smoking Bin Laden out of his Pakistani cave, armed only with a flu-infected schoolboy.

Wow, he IS talented; I can never get the damn things lit.

The swine flu is the bane of liberal appeasement.

Swine flu is the Jew of liberal fascism.

Dr. Wheeler is a master of the — how do you say — spy movie tropes.

Intelligence is — how do you say — apparently nowhere to be found in — how do you say — his delusional fantasies. Dr. Wheeler — how do you say — can’t seem to tell fantasy from — how do you say — reality.

I would post more, but I am — how do you say — about to be disappeared by — how do you say — Langley. Farewell and — how do you say — *GUNSHOT* ba du ba daaaaaah doo dah dah! bum ba dada doo dah daaaaaah.

The dialogue is a clear clue to the identity of the alleged Frenchman.

Wheeler had a meeting with — how do you English say this, Hastings — the great Hercule Poirot!!!

Alas, he’s Belgian.

Yes, I know that, I read dozens of Christie books, that’s why I said alleged Frenchmen. It was a joke, do I have to explain everything?