XTREME WINGNUT PREACH-OFF 3!!!
The moment you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. WorldNetDaily’s Jim Rutz is about to duke it out with Pastor Joseph Grant Swank, Jr. for the title of “Wingnuttiest Preacher on the Internets.”
As you may remember, Rutz is the author of Megashift, a book about God’s plan to bestow devoted Christians with wicked cool superpowers, including the ability to raise their relatives from the dead. So Rutz’s credentials are unquestionable: he’s a grade-A loony. But are his powers formidable enough to withstand the awesome onslaught of insanity that is Pastor Swank? Probably not, but let’s see what he can bring to the table with his latest column, called “Welcome to the New World Religion”:
That new religion you’ve been dreading has arrived, and it’s hilarious. But it’s also oppressive to the point of being deadly. Quite a combination.
Both hilarious and deadly, eh? It sounds like this new religion involves Nazi clown ministers who sacrifice their altar boys and serve their blood to parishioners during communion, all the while riding unicycles and juggling custard pies. Let’s see if I’m right.
It goes by the arrogant name of Political Correctness, PC for short. And yes, it’s a real religion.
Except that it doesn’t pay deference to any higher supernatural power. But other than that, yeah, political correctness and religion have lots in common.
But it’s nothing you’ll actually choose to join ? you’re being conscripted. It’s more like Islam, which won its adherents at sword point. Likewise, in the English-speaking world today, you are expected to conform to PC beliefs, and if you don’t, there are quick penalties, ranging from dirty looks to death. (Does the phrase “40 million lives extinguished” ring a bell?)
I guess this would be an inopportune moment to crack one of my patented dead baby jokes.
At its base, PC is just a collection of behavioral standards that any decent chap could support (i.e., don’t make gratuitous insults toward other races or nationalities, don’t make crude jokes about women, don’t mistreat the poor and the sick, etc.)
You mean “Yo’ Mama” jokes aren’t politically correct anymore? Shit, that’s bad news for me. Now I’m probably gonna end up dead just like those 40 million womb babies.
But piled atop this very reasonable mishmash of no-nos is a rigid superstructure of far-left doctrines and demands that require strict conformity of thought and action on such diverse matters as gun control, homosexuality, conservative Christianity, white male “dominance,” and reverence toward PC-favored minorities ? notably blacks and Indians.
Yeah, the way blacks and Indians whine, you’d think their relatives were enslaved or slaughtered or something. And the worst part is that their incessant bitching and moaning only takes attention away from America’s truly oppressed minority: white Christian men.
Think of PC as politeness run amok.
Think of Jim Rutz as Christianity run retarded.
PC also has severe terminology problems (now called “issues”). You absolutely must use their exact, up-to-date, approved words when discussing such matters as:
-“Reproductive choice.” (Sure, it’s a matter of free choice ? but not for the baby. And don’t get caught using less evasive terms like abortion or infanticide.)
Or “womb baby slaughter field international.”
-Race. (Coffee must no longer be ordered “black”; it’s now “without milk.” And you mustn’t call anything a black and white matter. Some piano teachers are even forbidden to refer to black and white keys.
OK, kids, raise your hand if you’ve ever encountered any of these examples in the real world? ‘Cause the way I see it, Rutz is pulling this stuff out of the big black hole of his pasty white ass.
-Sex. (The idea here is to blur or erase any distinctions between the sexes ? oops, genders. You must practice saying barbarisms like “personhole covers”…
You mean like the butt plug?
…”congresspersons,” and “person Friday” with a straight face.
Actually, we PC Nazis prefer the term “gender-ambiguous face.” Just thought I’d let you know before someone whacks you like a womb baby.
So how do you ask for black if you don’t want dark blue? Or dark green? PC folks don’t know and don’t care. PC is a stranger to logic.
So says the man who wrote an entire book about people coming back from the dead.
PC doesn’t have a god, but that has never held back Buddhism. It doesn’t have a theology, either, but it easily attaches itself to almost any real religion ? working like a kudzu vine wrapping itself around a tree, it can take over the whole landscape and kill everything else. Including you.
That’s right- making racially insensitive remarks is now punishable by death. Remember how Trent Lott was publicly stoned to death?
OK, so that was a moderately wingnutty column. But if you’re gonna go up against Pastor Swank, “moderate” ain’t gonna cut it. And unfortunately for Mr. Rutz, it looks like the good pastor has brought his A+++ game this week, and stands ready to bring the pain:
US NIXES EVOLUTION FOR GOD
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.CBS reports that Americans don?t go for Darwin as much as they go for God.
Yeah, suck it, Darwin! America thinks youze a wack-azz ho bag!!!
Evolving from a tiny cell through apedom into homo sapien is quite the fete, even for natural selection and the survival of the fittest.
Y’know, I think that sentence might actually make more sense if you rearranged all the words backwards. Let’s give it a try:
Fittest the of survival the and selection natual for even fete the quite is sapien homo into apedom through cell tiny a from evolving.
I think I understand now.
OK, back to the actual column:
It may be all right for a Harry Potter take-off. But it does not match with intelligent American thinkers. At least 51% report that to be true.
Hey, 51% of Americans were dumb enough to vote for George W. Bush, so anything’s possible.
Further, another 10% say humans may have evolved in some sort of fashion but according to a God-ordained oversee.
That leaves only 15% saying mortals evolved without any divine assistance.
This tally is the same as at the time of the November 2004 presidential elections.
Say, Pastor Swank? You just proved my point. Thanks.
Basically, since Charles Darwin?s publication of “The Origin of the Species” in 1859, the devil has been at work to replace Creator God with tiny-cell-to-apedom-to-homo-sapien.
And it’s only a small step from apedom to homo-sapien to homo-nups. And we all know how evil those are.
Anti-God persons latched onto Darwin?s theory with glee.
Over the years, campuses given to secularization have used the Gospel According to Darwin to brainwash one generation after another, making the silly theory a “fact.”
I agree, Pastor Swank- theories are utterly useless. Heck, let’s just go ahead and strip the theory of plate tectonics from geology books- that way, we can teach kids about how the Grand Canyon was formed by Noah’s flood!
In fact, textbooks brashly, repeatedly state Darwin?s hypothesis as “fact.”
But Pastor Swank, evolution isn’t a hypothesis, it’s a theory. You do realize there’s a big, big difference between a hypothesis and a theory, right? Have you ever, you know, actually taken a science class?
I get enthusiastic emails from Darwinites telling me that I have lost my logic when championing Creator God instead of Darwin and that his theory is definitely fact, believable and proof-positive. That?s how extensive the brainwashing has become.
There’s a certain level of irony here, but Pastor Swank’s probably not sharp enough to catch it.
Of course, secularists have no other way to explain the origins but Darwin?s. They also sound quite posh at cocktail parties when spouting forth the fine line footnotes they?ve added to Darwin?s start.
Nevertheless, a large population in America has never bought the lie. And still don?t.
And that’s really how scientific facts should be determined- through opinion polls!
Well, that’s our fight. Jim Rutz tried his darndest, but it looks like Iron Grant Swank has scored yet another clean knockout.
I have to agree, Swank wins. Rutz’s words about PC seemed tired and old, though I was a little excited that he would expound on his theme that people were somehow joining a “religion” without knowing it, or more likening Islamofascism to PC.
What I’d really like to see is Swank vs. Time Cube’s Gene Ray.
What I’d really like to see is Swank vs. Time Cube’s Gene Ray.
Link? Swank’s getting bored with all these pissant wannabe challengers. He longs for a real fight.
Time Cube.
Mind your head, it’s crazy in there.
I tell you, I too have attended many a cocktail party where I regale my friends and hangers-on with my personal footnotes to Darwin’s Origin of Species. Everyone tells me how “posh” I sound!
I’m thinking of buying a monocle.
Ooooh yeah, I’ve seen this guy before. Looks like we’ve found tha’ Swanksta a new challenger.
“…Rutz is pulling this stuff out of the big black hole of his pasty white ass. ”
I think you mean “the big without milk hole”
They both speak from their asses, but I have to give Swank the edge. Rutz is tops in sphincter ventriloquism, but Swank manages to write while his head is physically lodged up his backside.
I take my coffee black. I contact my Representatives and Senators, not congresspersons. With so many legitimate examples of PC terminology available, why invent bogus ones?
We’ve all spoken with people who take PC to the extreme. I write them off as uptight. What Rutz is complaining about is his inability to tell his back catalog of gay and ethnic jokes. Times change, bucko.
As for Swank’s assertions, it would appear from the latest election results that mainstream America actually prefers to keep religion out of science class. Go figure.
I felt that Swank was off his game; no KO here. Judges’ scorecards:
Sheer conceptual incoherence – 10 – 9 Swank
Random bitching about minorities 10 – 9 Rutz
3rd grade writing skillz – 10 – 9 Swank
Unpredictable wack-tacularity – 9 – 9 Tie
(P.C. vs. evolution? What a snoozefest. Neither of these guys was acting like they came to win.)
By split decision, the victory goes to the Swankinator.
I don’t think the TimeCube nut and Swank are in the same weight class. As nutty as Swank is (and he is what is clinically called a “batshit loon”), the TimeCube man appears to be on his own plane.
Oh, really yagi? Well, the N.Y. Times News Service reports the following: “The fiercely split Kansas State Board of Education voted 6-4 Tuesday to adopt new science standards that are the most far-reaching in the nation in requiring that Darwin’s theory of evolution be challenged in the classroom.
The standards press beyond the broad mandate for critical analysis of evolution that four other states have established in recent years by recommending that schools teach specific points that doubters of evolution use to undermine its primacy in science eduction.
Among the most controversial changes was a redefinition of science itself so it is not explicitly limited to natural explanations.
The vote was a watershed victory for the emerging movement of intelligent design—which posits that nature alone cannot explain life’s complexity…”
Of course I get my news from Bakersfield, home of Merle Haggard, Buck Owens and Prussian Blue, so what would I know?
It’s more like Islam, which won its adherents at sword point.
As opposed to Christianity?
(Coffee must no longer be ordered “black”; it’s now “without milk.” And you mustn’t call anything a black and white matter. Some piano teachers are even forbidden to refer to black and white keys.
The Wonder-Wingnut battles his archenemy, the terrifying Straw-Man! ‘Nuff said.
Evolving from a tiny cell through apedom into homo sapien is quite the fete, even for natural selection and the survival of the fittest.
An elaborate party? What?
“Anti-God persons latched onto Darwin?s theory with glee.”
Persons? PERSONS? Oh Gawd, those PC bastards done got to Pastor Swank! Pray for him…
Did Swank really say “quite the fete”? Like the cell is having a party? Not like a challenging feat to get from celldom to homo sapien-ousity? If there weren’t people that listened to these weirdos, it would be pretty damn funny to read. Well, “swank” and “posh” could be interchangeable. Do you think he knows that?
Strange Forces wrote:
“Time Cube.
Mind your head, it’s crazy in there.”
damn, you really should’ve included a “coffee warning”. My keyboard hasn’t quite recovered yet…
I dunno; I think it’s a tie. They each chose topics I really hate, but I personally thought the Rutz guy exemplified the wingnut standard of totally making shit up.
There are cocktail parties?! I guess that’s what he meant by “quite the fete,” and here I thought he’d just misspelled “feat.” Next Darwin Day, I’m *so* having a cocktail-besotted f?te. Yep, gotta go with Swanky, he didn’t just lose his logic, he’s freaking kryptonite to logic, and I’m not too PC to say it.
Just checked out that Time Cube thing… “Acknowledge the math below or go to hell.” Oh man, I’m convinced. Sign me up. “God is a word masturbation.” “God is but a killer of children.” “Beliefs equate pornography, for they coexist on the web.”
Wow. I think my head just imploded. All hail Gene Ray, supreme nutcase on the web!!
And that’s really how scientific facts should be determined- through opinion polls!
Unfortunately, i think that’s what a lot of people believe. It’s sort of like the phenomenon of Lysenkoism in Soviet Russia, in terms of ignoring overwhelming evidence that conflicts with your ideology. Strangely enough, i’ve been to both Siberia and Kansas, and they look surprisingly similar. Maybe it’s just something about the landscape.
See, I gotta give this one to Rutz for three reasons:
1) “Anti-God persons latched onto Darwin?s theory with glee.” As VKW pointed out, the same PC religion police that Rutz is fighting seem to have gotten control of Swank. Besides, I can’t help but think of the description of Dyno-Mutt as a “Go-Go-Dog-Person”…
2) Swank, boobala, the evolution thing has been done to death. I mean, I go to Jack Chick for all of my insane rants on evolution being a tool of the devil. (Say, there’s a good battle – Swank vs. Chick!)
3) While Swank is busy mangling statistics (with his 76% total poll,) Rutz is throwing out wacky PC rules that even a California liberal elitist Jew like myself has never heard of. Dark green? You had me at black coffee!
Like I said Doc, mainstream America. Not Kansas. And don’t even think of feeding me that ‘heartland of America’ bullhooey.
Dover voters oust intelligent design supporters
Year 2000 population:
KS – 2,688,418
PA – 12,281,054
Argh…curse SN! and your wonky suppression of anchor links. Here’s the URL for the story:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9973228/
Yagi, I was about to talk about the “heartland of American,” but it appears you’ve stolen my thunder. Never dismiss or otherwise underestimate Kansas. Look what a big hit The Wizzard of Oz turned out to be.
By the way, as far as the great debate is concerned, I like the jeremiad about the PC “religion.” In fact, I’m now going to insist that instead of people referring to me as a right-winger, they call me “tolerance-challenged.”
Did swank say “fete” up there? I think the good pastor sounds a bit… french?!!
(dramatic sting)
le docteur BLT n’existe pas.
Time Cube is actually pretty sad. I hope that as he gets older, his thought process slows down enough to calm his psychosis:
“My wisdom so antiquates known knowledge, that
a psychiatrist examining my behavior, eccentric
by his academic single corner knowledge, knows
no course other than to judge me schizoprenic.”
Man, that was totally worth the wait….it’s probably even worth the price of the keyboard to replace the one I just spewed my tea all over….
that time cube stuff is awesome! my head just imploded and now i’m worshipping the resulting singularity!
blt – did you mean “tolerance-and-musical-talent-challenged ?”
Personally, I got the feeling that Swank was just phoning it in. I know the man can go full throttle past the edge of batshit, and this time it just didn’t seem like his heart was in it.
I’m not sure if the musical-talent part of that equation applies, bob. You’ve never given us anything that would allow us to compare your musical talent with mine. Come out with a song, share the song with folks on both sides of the political fence to account for political bias, and then we’ll compare notes. What do you say, bob, are you up for the challenge?
Some years ago I actually had the profound pleasure of attending a lecture by Gene Ray when he spoke at MIT. Very strange. A quite calm and distinguished looking elderly man in a windbreaker and baseball cap. He spoke quite clearly and distinctly, and sounded quite convincing provided you didn’t actually pay attention to what he was saying.
The best part was when he was the question and answer section:
Q: You state that human minds are incapable of understanding the complexities of the Timecube, so how can you yourself understand them?
A: I’m not human.
Q: How do you fund your research?
A: They keep sending me these credit cards in the mail.
Ah, blt, but I never pretended to have musical talent.
But as a paraphrase of the saying goes, “Those that can, do; those that can’t, are critics. Unless, of course, they don’t know they can’t, in which case they’re just no talent hacks.” Or something like that.
Sadly, No!: XTREME WINGNUT PREACH-OFF 3!!!
Sadly, No!’s third edition of wingnut preach-off is now online. My vote is for the wingnut who claims political correctness kills unborn babies, but it was hardly an easy call….
I’m not afraid of any critic, bob, amateur, or professional. I say, “Bring it on!” as long as that critic identifies exactly which song(s) he/she is talking about, and what it is about those songs that, in his/her opinion, needs fixing. How about that challenge, bob, are you up for that?
“Quite the fete,” indeed. Party!
Being a piano teacher, I refer to black and white keys all the time. And neither my black nor my white students seem to get bent about it.
I’ll go out on a limb and vote for Rutz. Swank’s piece on evolution was surely nutty, but I’ve read even stupider. Rutz’s piece on political correctness was so silly: who the hell cares if you say you take your coffee black? And what the hell does “person Friday” mean?
He’s referring to “man Friday,” from Robinson Crusoe. It’s nice that he longs for the day when he could have a domesticated, formerly-cannibalistic manser… um, personservant. And, a nice, brown one at that!
Oh, and BLT, you do know which group of people fetishizes The Wizard of Oz, don’t you? I always had a thing for the Wicked Witch of the West, myself–which is probably why there’s a Broadway Musical centered around her currently.
As far as the Preach-off goes, Swankie wins again, partially for latching onto the Evolution-claims-to-evplain-the-origins-of-life meme. Um, no. It explains what has happened to life since its origin, and the changes that have occurred over of years. Not the 6-10 thousand that the kreation krowd seems to be pushing. Swank (and, sadly, that 51% of the populace he cites) wouldn’t know science if it walked right up and bit him on the ass.
“The Wizzard of Oz”? Did that have Rincewind in it? And there was me thinking that the main aspect of the Wizard of Oz was that it wasn’t actually in Kansas.
It goes by the arrogant name of Political Correctness.
I like the accusation of ‘arrogance’. Since the term “political correctness” is used exclusively by people who are trying to make fun of it, this is almost exactly comparable to saying “Meghan Cox Gurdon goes by the arrogant name of ‘America’s Worst Mother(TM)’.”
I thought “person Friday” was a reference to “girl Friday”, a common term in business offices throughout the land as recently as 50 years ago. It generally referred to the receptionist / secretary / personal assistant type jobs, which linguistically may not have been a million miles removed from the Robinson Crusoe origins of the term.
1. “Girl Friday” was an outgrowth of Crusoe’s “man Friday.” I don’t think there’s any serious question about that.
2. I have to give the contest to Rutz. Pastor Grant’s column was classic Swank, no question, but his tenuous connection with reality was solid enough to at least seize on a topic of some current relevance. The whole anti-PC thing was done to death in the 80’s and 90’s, leading me to believe that Rutz’s gears have slipped by at least a decade. In my book that gives him the edge in this contest. However, I do look forward to a Swank resurgence in the near future.
Ruiz on points, but it’s close. His “can’t order black coffee” is just SO odd that it would go on any winger highlight film, and Swank kinda mailed this one in, although “quite the fete” was a nice touch…..
I think a rematch is in order.
I agree. Ratz deserves a rematch.
Why have I been calling him Ratz? Sorry, Rutz. Probably a Freudian slip. And he needs a rematch.
Your point is well taken, ‘Jeffrey Kramer’.
I know of someone nuttier than Time Cube:
Francis E. Dec, Esquire, of 29 Maple Ave, Hempstead, New York
I dunno, I’m thinking Rutz won this round.
Pastor Skank really had to reach there.
Dear Dr. Ray –
Your “thesis” is a thinly-veiled rip-off of my own writings. Please cease and desist all publication, transmittal, reproduction, etc. of said material IMMEDIATELY.
Church attorneys will be contacting you shortly.
And remember these two important canons:
“Give me slack or give me food or kill me” and
“Bleeding head good, healed head BAD!”
Yours in slack,
Rev. “Bob” Dobbs
Church of the SubGenius
I thought Person Friday was supposed to be Black Friday?
And, ironically enough, I was having an argument over at c&l a while back with a fervent right-winger who for some ridiculous reason took exception to someone using the phrase “black-hearted” to define Bush administration members, calling it a racist statement. He went on to say that the phrase “pot calling the kettle black” is also a racist analogy.
I forgot to remind him that it’s his side that usually rants about PC gone amok. If only he had stuck around the site, I’d have loved to link him to this article.
My first instinct is to go with the esteemed Pastor Swank, but weird-ass straw-“persons” that Rutz comes up with? All I can say is, “WOW!”
Besides as mentioned upthread, Rutz’s rant has that Back to the Future quality to it. Ye gods! Isn’t the whole PC controversy passe’?
Swank mailed it in this week. I too have go with Rutz on points.
Yeah, way late, but my vote goes to Rutz. I’ve read antievolution rants much, much more entertaining than Pastor Swank’s. Try here for one. Rev. Grant was just rehashing old lies that creationists have been repeating for years; Rutz had the nerve to just make stuff up.
Believe it or not, I just woke up from a dream inspired by this fundamentalist face-off. In my dream, while at my parent’s home, my mom walked in on my then-girlfriend-now-wife and I making out under the covers in my parent’s bed. Although I hadn’t even arrived at first base yet, my mom assumed we were having sex. Instead of overtly addressing the issue, she passive-aggressively stuck a Pastor Swank video in the overhead VCR/DVD player. My then girlfriend and I were not fully clothed, and, my mom assumed this, so, being embarrassed to reveal our partially-clothed states to my mom, we felt forced to just lie there and watch this Pastor Swank video. His sermon was entitled something like “The Evils of Contraception and The Joys of Childbirth.” I woke up before Pastor Swank had a chance to really get into his sermon, but the whole dream convinced me to cast a vote for Pastor Joseph Grant Swank. If he can inspire a dream like that, he’s got my vote, hands down (no pun intended).
I think the last thing I wanted to read about first thing in the morning was a description of Doc Sammich’s Swankified erotic dreams.
I thought I left out the erotic parts Dan. I specifically remember telling myself, “Hold the mayo!” I guess I didn’t censor enough of it for the virgin minds out there. I’ll be more careful next time, Dan.
Sorry Charlie, but the fellow who’s too paranoid to order his coffee “black” takes this round away. For sheer made-up bullshit, he’s on a roll. Pastor Swank jsut resorted to commonly held bullshit this time, I’m afraid. We have a new weiner!
If Swankie did have a video like that, it would never have a coherent title like that. It’d be something more like, “The Evils of Contraception Global, and the Joys of Womb-Babies Multitudinous!” And I’m glad I didn’t have such a disturbing dream–especially the making out with a girl part.
It just goes to show, Marq, one man’s dream is another man’s nightmare.
I’m pretty sure that the only thing “Dr. Gene Ray” can face off against is a Dr. Bronner’s soap label. Actually, though, I’d love to see Ray and Swank facing off and accusing each other of “denouncing motherhood and supporting a state of queers.”
I’m loving the free entertainment. But I think it must be rigged since Swank keeps winning.
What you ought to do is divide this up into classes, like boxing. You could have a lightweight division, a double-lightweight division, and a triple lightweight division for the most extreme mental lightweights, like Rev. Swank.
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