No Really, That’s What He’s Saying
Posted on April 10th, 2009 by Gavin M.
Shorter Karl Rove’s Latest Column:
The President Has Become a Divisive Figure
Compare his start with George W. Bush’s.
- America is divided by Obama making us go insane, whereas nobody went insane when Bush took office — suggesting that if things keep up with this people-going-insane thing, then dude, we are so winning by math.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
I guess Unka Karl forgets that the first not-quite-nine months of Dubya’s reign were already a Miserable Failure, and that they needed 9-11 to shore him up.
Photo caption: Rove uses a magnifying glass to try to find his soul, but is unsuccessful yet again.
O.K., now I see what happened. When the WSJ was looking for a new Conservative columnist, they advertised for “a writer who actively participates in teabagging”.
Uh-uh. No way you can make me click that link to see if that really is the shorter or not…DAMMIT.
Wow, who would have thought that Obama has higher approval rating among Democrats, and that means he’s a divisive figure? I’m drunk, and I still can’t understand Unca Karl.
More like undeniable, unarguable, and unanswerable.
Rove seems to have taken up residence in some sort of strange bizarro world that’s a twisted reverse image of actual reality… aka the Wall Street Journal op-ed section.
Of course. It’s the worst crisis to face America since the Adlai Stephenson Derangement Syndrome outbreak.
I really like this routine.
“So you hear about Obama?”
“Uh, yeah, the Democrats’ guy.”
“He’s a communist, you know.”
“Really. And how about your guy?”
“Oh, you know, the usual. But Obama hangs around with terrorists.”
“Uh-huh. And how’s McCain?”
“A lot better than Obama, who isn’t really black.”
“He isn’t?”
“He’s white. His birth certificate proves it.”
“Really?”
“Well, it would if it existed. Which it doesn’t, because of a conspiracy to sneak a secret Sharia plant into America.”
“Shania what now?”
“Incidentally, have you seen his wife?”
“Uh, yeah. Not really that impr–”
“She’s a total castrating bitch, you know?”
“Why do you say that?”
“Just look at her. She’s so arrogant. I’ve got a tape she made to scare white people out of land she was buying with you-know-who.”
“No I don’t.”
“You know, Tony Rezko. Responsible for 9/11.”
“I thought that was Saddam Hussein.”
“Obama doesn’t support the troops because he wants Bill Ayers to win.”
“I see. Can you please just tell me which booth I get to use?”
“Number two. And speaking of which, doesn’t that remind you of his crazy pastor? You know, because he’s black.”
“What? Jesus Christ. I’m done here.”
(five minutes pass)
“I assume you and all your friends voted for Palin and McCain, the true mavericks.”
“I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with you.”
“But this is Pennsylvania.”
“Yes?”
“You know, real America.”
“Wait, is this another race thing?”
“To be honest, even I’m not entirely sure.”
(five more minutes pass)
“Yup, looks like the polls are being proven wrong as we speak. Look at all these people coming in to show that elitist Beltway insider they trust a real American hero like John McCain to govern America with the honor he’s displayed in his hundred years in Washington.”
“You realize he’s already conceded, right?”
“Shut up. Palin hasn’t, and she’s the one who counts. Besides, why should mob rule count for anything? He’s the one who deserves to win.”
(five minutes pass)
“So this is it for democracy.”
“Better luck next time.”
“No, there will be no next time. He’s a Nazi, you know. First he’s going to take away your guns and then he’s going to mince around and go to a weird church, just like Hitler.”
“I’m not entirely sure you know what Nazis are.”
“Well, I guess it’s not all bad. He’ll probably need McCain’s advice to run the country and he’ll stick it to all of his liberal fanboys. Won’t that be a riot?”
“I… guess?”
“Yeah, turns out he’s a moderate after all.”
“OK. So is that -”
“A moderate compared to Karl Marx. I mean, not really.”
“So now he’s a Nazi and a Communist.”
“And a crazy ACLU liberal. They’re all working together.”
“I barely graduated high school and I can point out about three things wrong with that.”
“Yeah, sure. You’re obviously just brainwashed by your Messiah. Maybe in one of the secret camps he set up.”
“The election isn’t even technically over.”
“Shut up. You can’t take my gun or my freedom or force me to like Jews or gays.”
“Where the hell did that come from?”
“You know where! He’s destroying our culture with Islamism! It’s all a dhimmi plot to turn us all into homos!”
“Whoa, buddy. Easy. He’s just a politician.”
“Just a politician? How naive. He’s the Antichrist.”
“No he isn’t. That isn’t just impossible, it’s so clearly wrong and so far out of the bounds of anything resembling normal political discourse that you ought to be ashamed of yourself for even bringing it up.”
“And now his divisive influence is tearing this country apart. Shame on you, Nobama.”
“‘Nobama’?”
“You know, Obummer. The none. Barak O’Hope-For-Dhimmis.”
“What are you even talking about?”
“BO. Hussein! God damn it, I forgot Hussein!”
“Saddam Hussein?”
“Hussein O’Allah Barakenstein.”
“That’s completely uncalled for and several contradictory kinds of racist.”
“No it isn’t. Like the teeming minority oppressing this country with lazy-fare, he’s bringing the white troops down with his militant Bolshevism and he’s already taken away all of our guns. He should be killed. Obviously you agree with me deep in your heart.”
“No.”
“See how divisive that horrible man is?”
“OK, that’s enough. I’m sorry this has been so difficult for you, but please – for all of our sakes – remember what cost you this and try and change it next time.”
“You mean being all soft on him.”
“Sure, why not.”
“Hey, don’t sass me. I’m one of the Free Republic’s best strategists. What do you know, loony lib?”
“Lord only knows. Can I have my ID back?”
“Sure thing, “Colon”. Try not to spend it bending over to the black hordes in one place — wait a minute — oh God! Someone please get me a cell phone, I need to call my pastor right away!”
(The general leaves the polling station shaking his head sadly as the genius clutches in abject terror at his arm, his screams redoubled as he hallucinates that his moles are growing. On the TV overhead, Bill Kristol and a bunch of other dignitaries sit sullen and dumbstruck on Fox, for one uncomfortable moment all out of lies.)
Yeah, Obama is a more divisive figure than Bush because, like, Bush was, like, white an’ shit.
Funny how the vitriol against President Obama is more of an indictment against Real ‘Murkins than an indictment of Obama. When Bush took office, he was little more than a bad joke… yeah, we were pissed that Gore threw in the towel, and the Supreme Court
coronatedpresnitated our very own “Little Boots”, then we rallied behind him after 9/11 (even though it was his blunder). We really didn’t start to despise him until after his reverse Midas touch (Augean touch?) sank the whole damn country. Obama? He has the temerity to have a high melanin content, an uncommon birth of common antecedents, and a non-batshit-loony-right-wing approach to governance.Yeah, the country is divided, but so is my ass.
Clinton’s early approval was 71% of Dems, 26% of Reps; Bush I 79% Rep 41% Dem; Reagan 87% Rep 41% Dem. My exhaustive study of this data leads me to believe Democrats tend to be slightly more willing to give a new guy from another party a chance, while Republicans tend to be assholes,
Democrats tend to be slightly more willing to give a new guy from another party a chance, while Republicans tend to be assholes
I was looking for clever ways of saying the same thing, then I read your post and realized that simplest was probably best.
Shorter WSJ: Republicans hate Obama more than Democrats have ever hated anybody, therefore WIN!1!
By whom’s math? Karl has THE math so whom is going to be pissed.
I like how we only needed seven posts before a lib played the race card.
And people thought the Race Industry would die out! Pfft! Obama’s election is like crack-cocaine for the race pimps. Disagree with Obama? ITS CAUSE HE’S BLACK, ISN’T IT?
You people make me sick.
Alec–
We love this. Is there something in it for Scarlett Johanssen?
That wasn’t what I was thinking he was looking for…
You people make me sick.
Can you at least tell us how we’re doing it, because I’d really like to contribute. Bonus points for chronic pain.
Paul–
No, you were sick before you got here. Ask your doctor if not-being-a-kneejerk-right-wing-cretin is right for you.
There is nothing I trust more than Karl Rove’s interpretation of a Fox News poll.
Mission accomplished.
Democrats tend to be slightly more willing to give a new guy from another party a chance, while Republicans tend to be assholes
Also there is still a real right wing to the Democratic Party, while the liberal wing of the Republican Party have basically all reregistered as Democrats.
Here in Oklahoma, registered Democrats outnumber registered Republicans by 11% or so, but you know how this state votes in national elections. I have students from towns in southeastern Oklahoma (“Little Dixie,” as it’s known) in which nobody can remember the last time anyone registered as a Republican, but whose residents voted unanimously for McCain. Still, these folks are Democrats and they are among those who doubtless would have told pollsters that they approved of Bush and Reagan three months into each of their terms.
The “About Karl Rove” section conveniently omits his treason. This is puzzling considering that’s what will be mentioned in the history books.
Obama’s election is like crack-cocaine for the race pimps.
And saying this is NOT racist…how?
“And saying this is NOT racist…how?”
See? You just proved my point.
If Obama would only do what Republicans wanted then he would be much less divisive.
See? You just proved my point.
No. You ARE a racist, and I merely pointed it out. Now fuck off.
Jena 6. Prop 8. South Africa.
In addition to malaise, we can also induce disorientation, torpor, profuse prespiration, flatulence, unsightly skin blemishes, copious mucous production, anal warts, smegma, and big fat hairy moles in the fucking middle of your forehead.
How was that statement racist? I was reacting to the first play of the race card by Alec and Big Bald Bastard, that’s all.
Jena 6. Prop 8. South Africa.
Et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam. Lather, rinse, repeat…and whatever you do, NEVER stick to the actual topic at hand. Instead, aim for distraction by projecting your racism on the libs!
Argue not with the troll, but mocketh him instead.
How was that statement racist? I was reacting to the first play of the race card by Alec and Big Bald Bastard, that’s all.
Bullshit. “Crack cocaine”. “Pimps”. No, wait–“RACE pimps”.
Projection, thy name is Paul. You play the race card louder and longer than anyone, and we all know why.
I was reacting
Hence the term reactionary.
Speaking out against racism makes you racist! It’s true because the Asian White Supremacist said so!
And of course, the most innovative way to counter racism is to defend the diminishing rights of the poor, oppressed white people from the angry, uppity niggruhs.
Ain’t that right, Paul?
Why is Karl Rove not in jail?
“You make me sick”
You were plenty sick in the head before you came here. Don’t blame us.
As a shameless reality pimp, I have to express my indolent, parasitic pleasure at turning the stomach of a real American. But apres Snorghagen, the troll isn’t so much arguing as issuing a loose dribbling of crix de coeur after favored talk-radio cases of the vapors; it’s best regarded as not a coherent argument to be addressed (because it simply takes the form of one without actually possessing its structure or basis) but as an ejaculation he’s ridiculously proud of, for all the world like a mixture of a toddler at macaroni and glue and a particularly worthless Decadent aesthete.
That and please no aggressing the troglodyte under normal handle. Something starting with ‘St. Jesus’ makes clean-up easier for the squeamish.
Mea culpa.
Also, St. Jesus’ PENIS.
The same reason the media turned the issue into the outrageous nerve of the Press Secretary / Vice-President when they failed to show proper deference to our national conscience the Halliburton Augustus – some inexplicable reason beggaring belief.
The press has generally accepted a complex of ridiculous, infuriatingly wrong assertions by the Republican establishment as presumed fact: all American families listen to Rush Limbaugh on Christmas; Dick Cheney is innocent of all wrongdoing and simply targeted by mean liberals for his hilariously sinister bearing, and Karl Rove is a political genius and any animus towards him is the product of envy.
The incident in which a NOC agent was outed in order to punish a State bureaucrat for gainsaying a source useful to the Bush administration’s casus bellorum (who had previously been subject to a fucking burn notice!) became just another incident of he-said-she-said instead of an open-and-shut case of callous disregard for the rule of law and national security. But the right has such a stranglehold on the media in this country that they whine about a capital felony whose prosecutorial negligence or pardon has literally no popular constituency being downgraded to scandal instead of non-issue. Give them the moon on a silver plate and they’ll whine you didn’t spring for platinum.
“And saying this is NOT racist…how?”
See? You just proved my point.
Third Base!
Imagine two people talking. One is wearing a white hood/robe ensemble. The other is giving the first one shit for the belief system that is indicated by the ensemble.
In Paul’s world, the guy NOT wearing the robe is the racist.
Of course. If it weren’t for racists like you, David Duke would be President.
In other words, shorter Paul: I know you are, but what am I?
Apropos of close to nothing, PRON HAUL
I like how we
Blah blah keep saying this word “we”. I do not blah etc. means what you think etc. etc.
Wait, wait, I think I know how Paul’s mind works. Something to the effect that if you deny that something heinous exists, it magically ceases to exist. But if you acknowledge that it exists, you are automatically guilty of that very heinous thing, and if you denounce it, you’re about ripe to be burned at the stake, you evil evil bastard.
Rove predicts
But HELLZ, he’s STILL spooky foresighted, that Magic Caucasian, Karl Rove!
Listen to his Wizardom! And buy stocks on the assumption that the opposite of what he thinks will happen will happen!
You know what’s also racist? Preferring Boris Vallejo to Frank Frazetta, even though Frazetta would only be considered a true white person by relatively recent standards in this great republic of our’n. You see, Frank’s “Original Latin” status is trumped by Vallejo’s more Latin-er status.
WOLVERINES!!!!!!CHAINMAIL BIKINIS!!!!!Hey Karl, hows that 50% +1 strategy going?
Hey, Karl, could you perhaps use your looky-thingy to find us some better trolls? The last few just gave up without much fight. By which I mean, blart, and such as.
Damn, that Jesus guy was hung like a horse.
He is at 88% in the Democratic party.
Yuck it up, Butterball…
Shorter Paul: You’re not raping me hard enough, dammit! What’m I supposed to do, bribe Ted Haggard?
You think I like having this guy living in me? He’s fat and sweaty and his farts smell like aftershave.
I just discovered this script, after starting from scratch with a Windows 7 beta.
Best troll filter evar. Dancing badgers make me happy.
Wait, wait, I think I know how Paul’s mind works. Something to the effect that if you deny that something heinous exists, it magically ceases to exist. But if you acknowledge that it exists, you are automatically guilty of that very heinous thing, and if you denounce it, you’re about ripe to be burned at the stake, you evil evil bastard.
And if you say “Karl Rove” into a mirror three times, he will magically appear and sweat all over the nearest Democrat.
WeaselTroll Stomping Dayhis farts smell like aftershave.
Things could be worse.
At this point in 2001, Ari Fleischer was still flogging the Vandalgate story, despite the GAO report that totally discredited it; George W. Bush had been allowed to go six weeks saying that “his administration was going to be above such things” as his Press Secretary flogged the story daily before he finally had to admit the Trashing Air Force One story was bogus, not just distasteful. Congressional Republicans, meanwhile, were investigating Pardongate, despite the fact that, had Bill Clinton sold pardons like Rod Blagojevitch on crank there was nothing they could do about it but generate headlines. So, yeah. Much different.
Doghouse – don’t forget, they were also putting out daily statements blaming Clinton for the recession Bush “inheirited” – and then did nothing to address, aside from cutting rich people’s taxes. And he never gets the credit for how well that worked out – it took the economy only until sometime in 2005 to climb back to where it had been in 1999.
In a totally innocent, unplanned unintentional coincidence, former Bush speech writer and pathological Christ-humper Michael Gerson published an op-ed in the Washington Post this week on precisely the same theme. Which I’m sure is a totally innocent, unplanned, unintentional coincidence.
Yeah right, let’s just let bygones be bygones. Pay no attention to the man who broke the mirror….
Hmm, so it’s a bad thing to blame stuff on the administration before you.
I sure wish Obama would follow the example of the Bush administration, who graciously took total responsibility for 9/11.
Good to see that Turdblossum is delivering on his name. Please, WSJ, keep publishing this stuff. Please Republicans leaders, keep listening to Karl Rove. More of the same in 2010!
Compare his start with George W. Bush’s.
Lessee… W started with a budget surplus, an economy that was the envy of the world, status as the lone superpower, Balkan War successfully prosecuted… guess there was only one direction that he could go in, eh? Poor Georgie.
Remember the eggs, Karl?
Karl Rove is fat