Exciting New Contest: The XTREME Wingnut Preach-Off!!!
I’ve decided to create a new regular feature here at Sadly, No! called the XTREME Wingnut Preach-Off! Here’s how it works: I’m gonna post two articles by the wingnuttiest pastors I can find and have them duke it out for the title of Heavyweight Champion of God-Related Crackpot Activities (or something like that). This week, we’re going to pit a hungry young (sic) challenger against the reigning champ of wingnut preaching, Pastor Swank.
OK, let’s get started! In this corner… coming all the way from North Carolina… the challenger, the Reverend Mark H. Creech!
Natural disasters: When nations neglect God’s business for their own
Rev. Mark H. Creech
October 19, 2005A two-foot snowfall in Los Angeles ? a severe drought this summer in the Midwest that dropped water levels in the Missouri River to their lowest on record ? a heat wave of temperatures of over 110 degrees that in one week killed more than 20 people in Arizona ? hurricanes in Florida, Carolina, and of course, the monster of all storms, Hurricane Katrina, which essentially washed away the city of New Orleans. All, says Ross Gelbspan of the Boston Globe, are the results of human-induced global warming. According to Gelbspan, it’s not just America, but places around the world like Scandinavia, Spain, Portugal, and India that are feeling the heat of catastrophic environmental changes.
Pfffft, that’s just crazy talk. The bad weather is an obvious sign of God’s displeasure with Massachusetts for legalizing homo nups.
It’s hard to believe what’s been occurring of late is simply “very much natural.” The succession and intensity of these events have rightly caused people to sense something isn’t right in the earth, and scientific data alone can’t explain it.
I agree. Clearly science has no place explaining how the natural world works.
Interestingly, the Old Testament book of Haggai describes a time not unlike ours, when the people of Israel were wondering why so many natural calamities had befallen them. Like us, they had thought of every reason but God.
That’s because, despite being primitive desert dwellers, they were somewhat sane. Alas, you can’t say the same for Rev. Creech.
Of course, they were too sophisticated, even too pious, to blame Him. Yet God said to them: “You counted on much; and see it came to little; and when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why? says the Lord of hosts. Because of my house that is in ruins, while you each busy yourself with his own house. Therefore for your sake the heavens have withheld the dew and the earth withheld its produce. I called for a drought upon the land, upon the mountains, upon the grain, upon the new wine, upon the oil, upon what the ground produces and upon men, upon cattle and upon all the labor of their hands” (Haggai 1:9-11, The New Berkeley Version). In other words, God was saying: “I’m the reason you’ve experienced the storms ? the drought ? the scorching heat ? the crop failures ? the strong winds ? this heightened intensity of natural disasters. I did it. And I did it because I wanted to get your attention about the way you’ve forgotten me and my business and focused exclusively on your own.”
Yep, this explanation is tons more logical than anything science has to offer.
Could there be any better description of our day? Radio Bible teacher, the late Dr. J. Vernon McGee, once said something more than 20 years ago in his commentary on Haggai 1:9-11 that was incredibly insightful for our time, especially for America, and even more specifically applicable concerning recent Katrina events in New Orleans.
“In our day,” Dr. McGee said, “the tendency is first to blame the police ? they should have been on the job. Then we blame the mayor, we blame the legislature, and we blame Washington.”
And that, of course, is a highly irrational attitude. After all, if Bush and FEMA had saved the lives of those people in New Orleans, they would have been meddling in God’s plan, which would have only made Him madder.
Very possibly all of them are guilty. But, my friend, has it occurred to you that you yourself are to blame?
All right, I confess: I’ve never considered blaming myself for a natural disaster, probably because I don’t wolf down THC-laced communion wafers like Reverend Creech.
OK, I think we’ve seen enough of the challenger. Now, let’s turn to our reigning champion, Pastor Joseph Grant Swank!
DR. PHIL ENDORSES PLANNED PARENTHOOD
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.Mild-mannered and kind Dr. Phil (Dr. Phillip C. McGraw, PhD) does in fact support Planned Parenthood. This is strange, especially considering his evangelical childhood upbringing and his touted ethical stand on traditional morality.
When has Dr. Phil ever been mild-mannered and kind? Just wondering.
Nevertheless, sometimes indirect and subtly presented, while at other times more blatantly presented, the popular Dr. Phil does support Planned Parenthood, the chief womb baby killing agency and arch enemy of all pro-life efforts.
This kinda sounds like the theme to some cheesy ’80s cartoon, don’t ya think? Check it:
“PAAAAASTOR SWANK!
A real American fruitcake!
Pastor Swank is theeeeere!
It’s Pastor Swank against Planned Parenthood
Pastor Swank is theeeeere!
[Narrator] Joseph Grant Swank is the code name for America’s craziest, most wacked-out minister. His purpose: to defend human life against Planned Parenthood, a ruthless arch-enemy of all pro-life efforts determined to kill America’s womb babies.”
“Sssssssoon Passssstor Ssssswank will let hisssss guard down… and then the womb babiesss will be ourssssss!”
OK, let’s get back to the Pastor’s column:
According to LifeSiteNews.com from Los Angeles, Dr. Phil is incorrect on his “facts.” Dr. Phil emphatically states that “?if you look at the massive studies that are nationwide, if you look at the Planned Parenthood studies, the fact of the matter is that kids who go through a thorough sex education program of which making condoms available with some anonymity. . .that kids do use them when they have them.?”
Of course, common sense would conclude that kids don?t always use condoms when they have them. Adults don?t either.
And because kids don’t always use protection when it’s available, we obviously shouldn’t waste our time teaching them about it. That way, no one will use condoms! Hooray!
I taught in an alternative learning high school where daily I heard the students say that they had condoms but rarely used them. They bragged on not using them.
One of the teachers would drive the students in a school van to the Planned Parenthood offices, scooping up handfuls of condoms, and then return to the school. The high schoolers then let it be known that they thought the condoms were silly but they would probably not use them. This was daily conversation on the part of the students. It became tame talk fare.
And if there’s a better way to refute a scientific study than with anecdotal evidence, I’ve yet to see it.
OK, now that the contestants have fought it out, let’s vote to see who wo… ah, who am I kidding? Pastor Swank scored a TKO all the way. I’ll look harder for better wingnut challengers next time, I promise…
The high schoolers then let it be known that they thought the condoms were silly but they would probably not use them. This was daily conversation on the part of the students. It became tame talk fare.
Clearly the attitude of the high school students is Planned Parenthood’s fault.
And obviously if Planned Parenthood didn’t exist, they wouldn’t even realize they had penises.
For shame, Planned Parenthood! Teaching people facts!
But, but, but… God spared the French Quarter, home of the faggots and the boozers, and smote the good, god-fearing, small town folk along with all them poor colored welfare queens. Wait, nevermind that last part, but what could all this mean?
Why, oh why, does God taunt us so?! Pastor Swank, help!
Super Swanky’s anecdotes aren’t the only thing he uses to refute scientific studies. No indeed! The good pastor also uses his super powerful common sense, which tells him right off the bat that study is dead wrong! Kids don’t used condoms! *POW!* Planned Parenthood serves bar-be-cued womb baby at their picnics! *BAM!* God hates Democrats! *BIFF!* Have mercy, Super Swanky, your wingnuttiness has absolutely defeated us!
Kids don’t used condoms! *POW!* Planned Parenthood serves bar-be-cued womb baby at their picnics! *BAM!* God hates Democrats! *BIFF!* Have mercy, Super Swanky, your wingnuttiness has absolutely defeated us!
Have I ever told you that you’re fucking hilarious? Well, you are.
Maybe they’re not using condoms since oral sexin’ is what’s hot in the streets? (Though not using condoms in this case can still be dangerous.)
And obviously if Bill Clinton didn’t exist, they wouldn’t even realize they had penises.
Fixed.
Well, I must admit that I did wonder if the hurricane was my fault…but then I realized that I hadn’t had any gay sex in a while, and so I could not have unleashed the unholy vortex caused by the dark forces of tribadism and rearranged the global meteorologial patterns into a swirling miasma of destruction.
You know, you’d think that if gay sex could cause the sort of chaos the fundies seem to think it can, the Army would sort of want queers to join. You could just put ten thousand gays in the mountains where they think Osama bin Laden is, set them all to fucking their brains out, and the resultant earthquakes and tidal waves and swarms of locusts would surely drive him out of hiding.
If we had a queer army, no force on earth could stop us.
Swank in a clear walk-over. The term “Womb babies” alone puts the Swankster in the lead before the first period is over…
You could just put ten thousand gays in the mountains where they think Osama bin Laden is, set them all to fucking their brains out, and the resultant earthquakes and tidal waves and swarms of locusts would surely drive him out of hiding.
This makes me think of South Park’s solution to illegal time-traveller immigration.
“Womb babies”. Man, that hurts my head as much as “criminalization of politics”. If the whole point is to make fetuses more cuddly and person-like, every woman who has ever miscarried or had a stillborn child is guilty of murdering their womb babies. (Not to mention that I am picturing Jerry Springer’s daily topic being “Is he my Womb Baby Daddy?”)
And why is it everyone who believes in Intelligent Design thinks their creator is a kid with an ant farm? Like somehow their maker was just smart enough to make the world but saw none of the pitfalls of giving man free will and He takes it upon Himself to throw disasters at them whenever someone jerks off? Why is it so hard to believe in the Intelligent part of the design – that their maker may have decided not to dictate their every action by smiting people when they use their free will in… THE BAD WAY?
Careful now JuiNoon: Don’t let logic lead you from the righteous path of the Holy Ostritch Farmer.
I always love that whole “Look! A natural disaster has occurred! Somebody must be a-sinnin’!”-argument. First of all, lots of people are engaging in “sinful” behaviors at any given time in any given place. So, if a natural disaster occurs, generally speaking, you don’t have to search all that far-and-wide to find some “sinners.”
By that “logic,” if you remain unsmote, that means that God is copacetic with whatever you’re up to. So, since no major natural disaster struck Germany from the 1930s through the mid-40s, obviously God approves of the “final solution” to the Jewish problem–not to mention those gypsies and gays! You’d think that if God disapproved of those kind of shenanigans, He’d have dropped an asteroid on Berlin or something. That’s where that “logic” inevitably leads.
You know that “heat wave” in Arizona, with temperatures “over 110 degrees”?
I grew up in Phoenix. We called that heat wave “July.” Sometimes even “June” and “August.”
Sorry guys, we’ve absolved the gays this time, it turns out it was flavor crystals.
Brad, I am having my attornies from that legal firm in New York (YOU know the one) file a cease and desist order to keep you from proceeding with this competition. It seems that Pastor Swank signed an exclusive contract with “Ultimate Wingnut Challenge” that prevents him from participating in any competing contests, and so by becoming a contestant on “XTREME Wingnut Preacher,” he is violating that contract, and he could not only be disqualified from both contests, but could be forced to repay everything he’s made from both programs. Oh, and Sadly, No! could also be sued for everything it owns (which would include the Amber Pawlik recipies, that crazy woman from the Cotillion, and Marie). You might want to consult your own lawyers before you do any more blogging.
Okay, so let me see if I’ve got this.
It is foolish to pretend that hurricanes are not the fault of sinners and their sins.
But liberals blaming Dubya for hurricanes are crazy, because it’s clearly not his fault.
Are we worshipping false gods over there on the insane wingnut preacher side of the debate again?
Sidhe, it’s really difficult to attribute much deification to someone who was nearly brought down by a lowly pretzel, and who keeps falling off of bicycles. Clown, asshat, those I could buy.
SZ- bring it. Pastor Swank is my prize-fighter- ain’t no way I’m lettin’ him go.
Seems to me Swank has more than enough crazy to go around. He’s the current reigning King of Crazy Jesusness; all such competitions amuse him global.
What? The Rev. Creech has stolen my patented THC-laced Communion wafers? The bastage!
Although my patented THC-laced Communion wafers usually allow me to see bullshit where it’s spoken or written. Unless, like, munchies distract me, or something.
I think “homo nups” is probably one of my favorite phrases ever. It’s right up there with “I caught you a delicious bass”.
Oh, come on! You didn’t even give good old Screech a fighting chance. His last article was hardly a great representation of his batshit insanity. My personal favorite of his remains “Despoiling Holy Writ”, a paranoid diatribe about how God will kill us for translating the Bible and making Him a Her. It’s on AgapePress’s archives of his “work”, and I promise you, it’s fried gold.
I demand a rematch.
Oh, come on! You didn’t even give good old Screech a fighting chance. His last article was hardly a great representation of his batshit insanity.
He’ll be able to challenge another day. But this round, Pastor Swank simply wiped the floor with him.
TKO? Swank knocked the other guy out by just looking at him.
What the hell is “tame talk fare?”
Really, I think you could have found better examples.
Sadly, these Christians don’t realize they worship a long dead god. My God killed the Christian god eons ago and spread his dismembered entrails across the Galaxy in glorious battle. Denounce your dead god. Worship the Cow God or be in holy manure.
http://members.cox.net/cowicide/
One of the teachers would drive the students in a school van to the Planned Parenthood offices, scooping up handfuls of condoms, and then return to the school. The high schoolers then let it be known that they thought the condoms were silly but they would probably not use them. This was daily conversation on the part of the students. It became tame talk fare.
Not even for water balloons? Were they THAT stoopid?
The thing that really got me was the tag line on the website; using “Conservative” and “Honest” in the same sentence nearly choked me.