Jai Schmo
Posted on March 27th, 2009 by D. Aristophanes
Shorter Pantload:
- In my heart, I know I’m funny.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Comments: 80
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Dear John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell, et al.,
Jonah Goldberg believes you are the tail and he is the dog. Just thought you should know.
Sincerely,
The American Public
Unintentionally, Jonah reveals he understands that he’s just a dumb incomprehensible doosh:
My initial reaction to the JournoList story was that I thought it was hilarious. Lots of folks thought that meant I took it very seriously.
I initially drafted a too-long post explaining why I thought it was so funny, but never got around to putting it up because it just didn’t work. Maybe, I’ll give it another whack later.
Is Pantload talking about writing or masturbation here?
“Is Pantload talking about writing or masturbation here?”
Aren’t those two mutually exclusive in Jonah’s case?
He could be ambidextrous.
What’s the deal with calling out Yglesias without linking? I have no idea what he’s referring to.
Aren’t those two mutually exclusive in Jonah’s case?
‘Writesturbating’.
Or, with due deference to Hemmingway, ‘typesturbating’.
Shorter Pantload:
I like that this post is right after Kloandjonahwrotethesamethinggate.
The liberal egghead version of Heathers?
As opposed to the deeply conservative values inherent in bombing a school, murdering the popular and loving your dead gay son?
DoughPants gets kicked down to a lower circle of hell for citing Galaxy Quest.
Someday, Jonah, if you eat your Wheaties, you’ll be big enough to wear Matt Yglesias’s panties. No, really! Eat your Wheaties, man. We’re all watching.
A comedic blast from Jonah in the past, posted Wednesday, August 22, 2001
Hahahahaha. “Smash into a slow-moving cow.” ROTFLMAO
Bush’s vacation won’t stall the nation
What a comedian.
I initially drafted an intricately-crafted 5000-word monograph with references and bibliography, but never got around to putting it up because I accidentally deleted it while ordering from gianthoagiesonline.com.
So, instead: COLD PENIS SOUP.
What’s the deal with calling out Yglesias without linking?
He doesn’t want to get caught.
Someday, Jonah, if you eat your Wheaties, you’ll be big enough to wear Matt Yglesias’s panties.
Seriously, I know Yglesias can be flat-out wrong sometimes or write a post based in some pretty erroneous thinking, but he’s always putting some pretty legit effort into his posts. Goldberg’s always posting about how he would’ve posted something else, but he was tired or the was just too long and awesome or he might post about it later but for now Matt Yglesias wears pantiez LOL what a fag.
Hey, don’t be too hard on the doughy one.
For all you know, it’s K-Lo who wrote that and Pantload is currently helping old ladies across the street.
I’d debate you, but it’s late I have a cold I’m tired gotta walk Cozmo.
He should hang with Richard Cohen. The laughs just wouldn’t stop.
I mock you for posting on a newsgroup from my posting on a political blog. Bwahahahaha! Eat post modernism, bitches!
I initially drafted a too-long post explaining why I thought it was so funny, but never got around to putting it up because it just didn’t work.
OK, that was funny.
Speaking of frank Zappa, how about this:
Musician and composer Frank Zappa (1940-1993) was born in Baltimore, and spent boyhood years in a Park Heights Avenue row house and at nearby Edgewood Arsenal. His family moved to California in 1952, but Charm City plans to honor its native son with a statute from Lithuania, which will be placed somewhere in Fell’s Point.
Lithuania? Did Mr. Zappa visit that Baltic land or have kinfolk there? Nope.
It turns out that young revolutionaries in the capital city of Vilnius adopted the music of FZ as a symbol of freedom:
We never saw Zappa, but nobody ever saw God, and they still go to church. Lithuania is a nation of mythology, legends and fairy tales. Everything is mystified. People believe really quickly, and one of the myths is that independence is good for everyone, with no exceptions. That’s why, in such an environment, the Zappa seeds were so successfully planted.
– Vytautas Kernagis, Lithuanian musician, quoted by Adam B. Ellick in Rolling Stone.
After the fall of the USSR, grateful Lithuanian patriots erected a statue of the inspirational Mr. Zappa in the hip Užupis neighborhood of Vilnius which, except for a medieval monastery or two, seems a lot like today’s Fell’s Point.
Courtesy of NotionsCapital.wordpress.com
Speaking of frank Zappa, how about this:
Damn, that’s cool.
I think I would hate to be famous but I guess it would be neat to see what utterly bizarre interpretations your work had in other cultures.
Jonah came to speak here at Penn State a few nights ago. On all the fliers, the picture of him was vertically skewed to make him look thinner. No joke.
Heh, liberals hate Goldberg because he exposed the totalitarian foundations of their philosophy.
About what? Why would anyone consider this man’s insight into anything even remotely interesting?
And I’m not saying that because he’s a legacy wingnut, but because he’s a hack and a bore and is not within a galaxy of being as amusing as he thinks he is.
Didn’t Pantload compare Liberal college students turning Conservative when they graduate to someone exiting a sidewalk-escalator and finding it “hard” to walk?
If his humor matches his metaphor talent, he’ll be the next Seinfeld!
You guys just aren’t intellectual enough to get Goldberg.
Sentimental Cynic said: “Jonah came to speak here at Penn State a few nights ago. On all the fliers, the picture of him was vertically skewed to make him look thinner. No joke.”
Wow. I’d love to see what they’d do if Rush Limbaugh came to speak. He’d look like he was eight feet tall.
About what? Why would anyone consider this man’s insight into anything even remotely interesting?
I dunno.
I’d be interested in his opinion on bagged snack foods.
If, you know, I cared.
You think maybe the nomination committee meant to short-list him for a Pulitzer, but then decided to alphabetize their CDs & deworm their pets instead?
“I MADE U A REAL AWESUM POST, BUT I EATED IT”
Yeah, just as I thought – translating it into lolspeak actually makes it sound LESS stupid.
You think maybe the nomination committee meant to short-list him for a Putzlitzer
Fixed your post.
On a random note, I read that as “Shitter Pantload” and thought it fit nicely.
Spending multiple posts and thousands of words on a topic means you WERE taking it seriously, Jonah. These the-lady-doth-protest defenses that just go on and on are, um, revealing.
What’s the deal with calling out Yglesias without linking?
He doesn’t know how?
He’s reluctant to link to anyone who actually can write, fearing the inevitable comparison?
Yeah, just as I thought – translating it into lolspeak actually makes it sound LESS stupid.
Where’s the obligatory bukkit reference?
He found it hilarious. The only thing hilarious is your delusional self-image.
I just think it’s a funny symptom of a larger malady.
He’s amused by disease symptoms?
I’d suggest that he eat me, but I fear he might actually attempt to.
Jonah mocks Yglesias. By wingnut logic, that means that Jonah is terrified of him.
cycnic, who the fuck sponsored Jo-Lo? And where did herm speak? I’m guessing it wasn’t Eisenhower. Or Schwab. Maybe the back room at the Diner?
[I hate the SeedyTea web site and don’t even know if they’d have it so….]
What’s the deal with calling out Yglesias without linking?
He’s referring to this comment by Yglesias from a JournoList thread that Kaus, who is a douche, published, and that all the Cornerites are shrieking and giggling over:
I also read on TNR.com today that Jonah Goldberg, who believes that everyone on this list is a fascist, is “good-humored,” while Keith Olbermann’s work is best analogized to Glenn Beck or Michael Savage.
Basically the Cornerites think it’s outrageous but hilarious that these liberals are calling Marty Peretz a bigot, TNR a bunch of crap, and giving Jon Chait a hard time for acting like a twit.
Weird, weird people, at the Corner..
“Aren’t those two mutually exclusive in Jonah’s case?
‘Writesturbating’.
Or, with due deference to Hemmingway, ‘typesturbating’.”
Nah, it’s the classic: Jonahism.
Jonah Goldberg is a dork, but so is Ezra Klein. I’d still rather hang out with Jonah, since I’m pretty sure the choice comes down to doing off the boat quality coke paid for with trustfund cash vs doing herbal E and watching Ezra awkwardly dance to late 90s hip hop while trying to pick up some Vassar girl.
Hey Democrats! You’re scum.
K-Lo, Jonah, bedfellows, panties– this is ASSAULT!!
Waah! K-Lo edits my pop-ups!
Righteous Bubba, that article is like the Sistine Chapel of unintentionally funny.
“”Blabber” and “Blattaria”– the similarities can be confusing”
I am peeing in my pants. There is piss pooling under my chair.
watching Ezra awkwardly dance to late 90s hip hop while trying to pick up some Vassar girl.
See, but that would be funny, where Jonah doing blow is just pathetic.
“Skip Press”?
Oh come ON! Who the fuck thought that was a cool name to make up??? He’s really Colin Mochrie in reverse-drag!
When Richard Cohen insisted he knew comedy and Colbert wasn’t funny, that Good Morning, Vietnam scene sprung to mind.
If you follow the links back, what’s funny is that Goldberg thinks NR, Heritage, etc. weren’t shills for the Bush White House while liberals are for Obama. It’s true that “think tank” conservatives influenced the White House, but most of them did that by taking administration jobs or by chatting with their pals who did – the White House, the Congressional GOP, Heritage, AEI, NR were lockstep on pretty much everything. And most conservative bloggers were eager to be shills. For the most part, iberal bloggers and think tanks have continued to criticize Obama constructively on policy matters. But hey, Jonah’s a bold, independent thinker, so independent he’s not encumbered by reality, unlike those liberal fascists.
See, but that would be funny, where Jonah doing blow is just pathetic.
That was my thought, too. You just know that when Jonah handed you the (obligatory) rolled-up $100, it would be all wet with bloody snot. Also, before the night was over, he’d be telling you all his darkest secrets, including the ones about how he hated mommy, and bawling like a big baby.
Then he’d probably ask you to diaper him. I used to like to do blow, but sometimes you just have to draw the line, so to speak.
Candy, I stopped doing blow when I found myself sitting across the mirror from Republicans and stockbrokers.
Same deal as yours. Couldn’t take the incessant whining and, oh yea! the paranoia….
Coke seems to bring out the worst in some people. I’m positive Jonah would be one of them.
The worst wingnut to do blow with would be Malkin. Imagine her all lit up. The hackles rise at the thought
Um, Jonah strikes me as the kind of guy who’d rinse out the empty vial and drink the water. Just so he could tell himself he got all of it.
DA,
That update photo….so wrong, man. You make it seem like Fudgie’s got a package.
Jonah Goldberg is a dork, but so is Ezra Klein. I’d still rather hang out with Jonah
Based on his Corner posts, hanging out with Jonah would entail hearing a lot of drunken whinging about “I could have [fill in the blank], but those damn [liberals/fascists/fascist liberals/diet cops] just kept getting in my way.” But on the plus side, 3 a.m. Hot Pockets for everybody!
But on the plus side, 3 a.m. Hot Pockets for everybody!
Is that because that’s when Lucianne wakes up to feed?
Sure, just send me right over the edge. Okay then. The notion of Hot Pockets streaming out of Lucianne’s mammaries is just too much to bear. Please knock that shit off.
See, but that would be funny, where Jonah doing blow is just pathetic.
I don’t see Jonah as a coke user, I see him doing whip-its, and then consuming the entire can of not-so-whipped cream afterward.
True story: one night back when I was in high school my friends and I brought several girls over to my house. We were trying to be quiet but still ended up waking up my dad. He stumbled out into the middle of the room wearing only his tighty-whities. Twenty years later and that picture is still seared into my brain.
The reason I brought that story up is now I have in my mind that same image, only this time with Lucianne Goldberg standing in for my dad.
PeeJ,
I was thinking more that she nuked them as she got ready to go out and find some tender young necks to nibble.
only this time with Lucianne Goldberg standing in for my dad.
Could be worse. You could be envisioning an actual woman impersonating your dad.
Michelle Malkin would literally chew through drywall on cocaine. She’d probably end up eating her own left arm.
I dunno. Cocaine can actually have a kind of an anger-moderating effect on people. Personally, I’d be much more terrified of The Malkin Thing two thirds of the way through a bottle of vodka.
Of course, you wouldn’t wanna be in the neighborhood at 4:30AM when she ran OUT of blow.
Yeeessshhhh.
That would be pretty ugly…
mikey
For me, Jonah always brings to mind that comment Bill Hicks once made about Rush Limbaugh, i.e. that he seemed to be the kind of guy who’d enjoy being urinated on.
So this has no bearing with anything on this post, and forgive me if you have already seen this, but:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/scott/assholes-wearing-snuggies
That is all, as you were.
cur
Oh, no…
Revelations 1:11–3:22, the first vision: “one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle”, speaking with “a great voice, as of a trumpet”…
I’m pretty the appearance of the Jo-Lo is a sign of Pretribulation. (Has anyone checked to see if Tim LaHaye and Hal Lindsey are sharing one body?)
The second vision is “a door … opened in the sky”. I think that refers to Aristophanes’s underwear photo.
We are so fucked.
I was at my barber today when some old junkie friend of hers wandered in to tell her that his lips were on fire. She said he likes to take some meth with his methadone regimen. Given the whole lips on fire thing, I suggest everyone avoids that combination.
I bet Jonah’s preferred poison is amyl nitrite and rough group sex with some Young Republican club.
You know, going down this path is dangerous.
I’m pretty the appearance of the Jo-Lo is a sign of Pretribulation.
PTS makes me SUCH a cranky-pants.
Oh fuck, S,N! couldn’t even make this shit up:
Politico writes a story about conservatives acting as if it’s wittily funny to don the Snuggie.
Joe the Plumber agrees to have his picture taken?
Who’d have believed it?
Seriously, is that Snuggie story a joke or real?
where Jonah doing blow is just pathetic.
A sweaty, twitchy Pantload who finds the sound of his own voice even more fascinating than usual sounds to me like something Dante dare not even imagine.
Imagine how much funnier The Onion would be if every story began with, “Okay, this is a funny story.”
take some meth with his methadone regimen
That’s called balance. Just keeps one on an even keel.
J-NRO has sad & funny backward.
that it’s proof of plagiarism and lord knows what else.
It doesn’t take the lord to recognize stupid.
“I’ll give it another whack later.” – El Pantolodo.
Truer words ne’er spoken.