Reading Steve Kellmeyer Makes My Brain Suicidal

This Steve Kellmeyer essay is so mindnumbingly idiotic that reading it temporarily impaired my ability to speak English. Seriously, I tried to tell my roommate about how awful it was, but the only words that came out of my mouth were, “BLUH, NYUUH, GWEEE!” And my roommate was like, “What?” So I flailed my arms about and pointed to the computer monitor going, “GUUUUUUH!! NYUH WUUUUF KAROOOOOOO!” My roommate took a quick look at Steve’s column and then promptly went into the kitchen and poured a kettle full of boiling water on his crotch.

My point is, the contents of this column will make you exponentially stupider. In fact, before you read any further, you should probably jot down the phone numbers of your closest friends and family, ’cause you’re gonna need their help when you wake up tomorrow and find you’ve forgotten how to put on pants. Anyway, you’ve been warned. Let’s dig in:

A two-fisted party system

Steve Kellmeyer
October 10, 2005

Adolescence is a virtue, at least when it comes to the economy. This point is not a new one, but it leads to an interesting way of looking at the American two-party system.

What do the supposed economic virtues of adolescence have to do with America’s two-party system? I’ll be the first to admit, I haven’t a fucking clue. And guess what? Neither does Steve.

Commentators seem divided over how best to think about the Republican and Democrat parties. Some argue that the two parties are irrevocably opposed to each other, locked in mortal combat in much the same way that Eurasia and Oceania were in George Orwell’s famous novel, 1984.

Others disagree. They assert that the two parties have policies that are very similar and are in that sense allied, much as were Eastasia and Oceania in that self-same novel.

Buh-buh-but Oceania wasn’t always allied with Eastasia! The alliances in the book were incidental! The point was that all three major governments kept their people in check by being in a perpetual state of war!

Both positions are, of course, correct.

And Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia. Congratulations, Steve! You’ve mastered the art of double-think!

Why Capitalism Succeeds

It has been noted here before that the capitalist system is better than any competing system at seeing to the creature comfort of men. However, it suffers from a remarkable flaw: successful capitalism requires the destruction of adults.

It’s true: in order to provide people with comfort, we have to destroy them.

The reason is simple. Capitalism is built on the practice of separating men from their money. In order to do this, the persons in question must (a) have money and (b) be easily separated from it. It is nearly impossible to separate a mature, stable adult from his money.

What the fuck are you talking about? Are you telling me that a mature, stable adult isn’t going to spend his money on, say, food? What the hell do you think money is for, Steve?

A serious father and husband will store up most of the resources he earns in order to assure his child’s future, a serious mother and wife does the same.

Ah, so you’re saying that Americans don’t save enough. And you’re right, actually: our household savings rate is lower than any industrialized nation save New Zealand. But this isn’t a reflection of capitalism per se, but of American spending habits, which I’ll be the first to admit are retarded.

Mature, stable, intelligent adults are not interested in having the newest toy on the block, nor are they typically very selfish about anything. They are generally trained out of whatever selfishness they do possess by their children.

Uhm, are you saying that children discourage people from buying things? Do ya know what a minivan is, Steve?

But the frugality of a mature adult is anathema to a capitalist system. As General George Patton once said, “I don’t want you to die for your country. I want you to make that other poor bastard die for his.”

Does anyone- anyone at all- understand how that Patton quote relates to the point about frugality and capitalism? It’s like Steve just wanted to put in a famous quote, no matter how irrelevant it was to the topic at hand. I mean, it’d be the same if I said, “The Aztecs were a society of Mesoamericans who lived in Mexico from the 14th to 16th Centuries. And just like FDR said, ‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself.’ Also, my puppy’s name is Chuckles.”

If capitalism is a kind of war, then money is the casualty.

But you don’t kill money, you exchange it. Steve. Please. This column isn’t going to get any smarter. Please stop before it’s too late.

Business stays in business by making some other poor bastard pay business costs. Products and services are priced with this in mind. To accomplish the goal, corporations need immature, greedy, whiny people who see every new product as “something to die for.” Since small children don’t have or spend money, since small children interfere with the formation of this attitude, small children should be eliminated, insofar as possible.

Oh. My. God. Steve, children are immature and whiny. In fact, they’re the most likely to demand that their parents spend money on stupid crap. Haven’t you ever stood in line at a convenience store and seen some little brat point to the candy rack and say, “MOM!! BUY ME THAT, BUY ME THAT!” Corporations love it when people have lots of children, because children are easier to manipulate through advertising. If you’d bothered to do any research at all, you’d know that the amount of money spent on marketing to children has exploded over the last decade.

Indeed, the whole structure of frugal, stable family life should be eliminated, insofar as possible. This explains a whole host of activities which could not otherwise be explained. For instance, why would a baby food company or a diaper company donate money to Planned Parenthood? Why kill your own customers? Because these companies are owned by larger conglomerates who understand the big picture. Babies conceive the wrong attitudes in adults.

I just… wow. Just when you think he can’t get any stupider, he does.

OK, this is getting pretty damn painful, so et’s skip to the end:

Make no mistake about it: we are not a powerful economic force in spite of the fact that we have so many unwed mothers, we are a powerful economic force because of it.

Steve-o? Exactly how much do you think unwed welfare moms countribute to national GDP? (Hint: Not a fuck of a lot.)

The system I’ve just described is meant to discourage the production of children because the presence of children might inadvertently create stable, frugal adults.

So if the purpose of capitalism is to discourage the production of children, why does it result in so many unwed mothers? (Steve, I’m begging you to stop writing this column, you’re seriously going to give me permanent brain dama…)

But children still serve an important function. After all, the twelve to thirty demographic is the easiest to clip.

Which again goes to show why corporations should be happy when people have more children.

Unwed mothers provide the solution. Through them, we get the older children the economy needs while forcing stability upon the fewest adults.

Bastards are children who have no inheritance. Bastards tend to be insecure. Bastards provide capitalist society with the best of both worlds ? a society in which there is very little threat of stable families coming into existence or staying in existence, but which still has a demographic whose bank accounts can be easily relocated. In this way, the inheritance that would otherwise have gone to the child is spent by the parents who have abandoned her. That is, the child’s money is inherited by the corporation. It takes a village to bilk a child.

Steve, do you know why poor people don’t save a lot of money to give to their children? BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING POOR AND THEY DON’T HAVE SIGNIFICANT DISPOSABLE INCOME!!!!!! (Man, this nicotine craving is making me really, really cranky…)

So, as the Democrats hand out condoms, encouraging adults to immediately pursue pleasure and eternally postpone responsibility, the Republicans beef up the power of the corporation to grab the bank accounts left behind. Like the two fists of a boxer, like the allies in Orwell’s novel, each pushes its own half of a single agenda upon the larger world.

Capitalism always seeks new markets. Those markets have to be laboriously created. It takes time and effort to break into a country and unhinge a stable culture, to convince adults to act like children their whole lives. But, with careful attention to detail and lots of money, it can be done.

Wherever capitalist democracy is planted, this system will take root. And it’s a wonderful system. After all, look what it’s done for us.

Oh man. It’s over. Thank God.

Incidentally, I think I’ve found the most convincing argument yet for banning homeschooling: because it produces complete and utter morons like Steve Kellmeyer.


Comments: 59


It is nearly impossible to separate a mature, stable adult from his money.

Where is this magical country with the near %100 savings rate? And is it just me, or does the article read as an excuse to use the word “bastard” over and over? The whole thing was very 19th century.


did Patton really say that? or was it just a quote from the movie?


That’s it. I need to replenish my badly damaged mind the only way I know. By munching on Steve’s reflective skull.


I suspect this article is a coded communication trasmitting the tenets of Smurf Communism. It’s the only explanation that makes any sense.


I don’t get it. Why do you need a system to throw parties with disgusting sexual practices and what does that have to do with…oh, it was two-fisted?….sorry….


So, let me get this straight (cough). Rather than being any kind of economics article, as it would initially seem to be, this asshat was actually writing a pro-marriage/anti-abortion screed? What a nimrod! It would have helped his case immensely if he (at any point) managed to write coherently. Hee hee, silly me!


If this guy were to so much as enter the same room as Kay Grogan, they would spontaneously create a black hole of stupidity that would swallow the universe.

Some people write incoherently because they don’t know how to make their point. I swear that Steve and Kay just start writing without having any idea in hell what their point IS.


I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what this column was about. So I visited the Web site that hosted it, and saw that it was created in support of Alan Keyes’s ideas. Everything became clear in an instant.


Whaaaaaa? I…. buh……… ouhhhhhh…….


I have to say, I had no idea clown college had an econ major.

Brad, regarding your intro, you do know I’m going to have to start asking you to bear my child again, right?
Now *that’s* snark.


Bastards tend to be insecure. Yes, you do, Steve.


Commentators seem divided over how best to think about the Republican and Democrat parties.

Sorry, when I see wingnut code, I stop reading.


I believe the warnings were insufficient, as they didn’t stop me from reading the excerpts. Now my brain feels as though it’s been blenderized is leaving through my ears. Thank goodness I didn’t read the entire article.


So, let me get this straight (cough). Rather than being any kind of economics article, as it would initially seem to be, this asshat was actually writing a pro-marriage/anti-abortion screed?

Your guess is as good as mine.


Uh, news flash, I know a lot of mature, intellegent, responsible people who I sell non-essential selfish luxury stuff too all the time. I make a small living enticing nice ladies with lavender lotions, zen music, and self-help books. I also encourage them to buy cuddly toys and puppets and books on fairies for their kids which won’t be a part of their inheritance.

As for little kids not being consumers, see this is why McDonald’s is filing Chapter 11 and Pokeman was an abismal failure in the U.S.

This guy doesn’t live on planet earth does he?

Of course it never fails to amaze me that the guy who is against ‘bastards’ and think they are the downfall of western civilization, aren’t in favor of readily available birth control or abortion. Funny thing, that.


I pooped my pants…*drool*


Goddamn that man is all kinds of retarded.

On second thought, look at the mug pictured: clearly, the jokes on us.

You’ve been taken in by the Norquistian equivalent of Landover Baptist.

Modern Major-General

I usually think it’s immature to make fun of the way someone looks, but couldn’t he have found a better picture of himself to use? He looks like he’s doing Krusty’s “me so solly” bit.


Oh man, that hurt.


Step 1) Reference that shitty, freshman neo-classical econ text next to your desk.
Step 2) Graft reactionary social conservatism onto your newfound understanding of said bullshit text (probably limited to understanding the opportunity cost of coconuts).
Step 3)Write and disseminate drivel.
Step 4) Make me shit my pants and die inside.


Obviously, it’s a Swiftian “Let the Irish eat their own babies” satire! He didn’t mean it–it’s supposed to be incredibly stupid as a joke!

Except…then it would have to make sense.
Okay, it’s just incredibly stupid.



I thought the same exact thing. He looks like the racist depictions of Japanese soldiers during WWII.


me frap-a-dickey rong time


Christ, my head hurts.

I seem to have been drooling on my shirt.

And what the hell? Where the fuck are my pants?


Forget about eating Steve’s brain. There’s no way eating the organ that spawned this abomination can be healthy. I’m going to hit myself in the head with a brick until I reboot.


The Patton quote makes sense within a Freudian framework. To start with, we have a basic analogy between war and the economy, and a corollary analogy between “conventional wisdom on war vs. genuine wisdom on war” and “conventional wisdom on the economy vs. genuine wisdom on the economy.” So it shapes up as:

CW-War: Success in war requires sacrifice of own life
GW-War (Patton): Success in war requires taking of enemy life.

CW-Economy: Success in economics requires gaining of money
GW-Economy: Success in economics requires spending of money.


dying [IS TO] killing
making money [IS TO] spending money.

Now in psychoanalytic terms, one could argue, dying and making money (through work) are both expressions of Thanatos, the death wish (self-denial, setting aside of one’s desires and instincts), while killing and spending money are both expressions of Eros, the drive towards self-gratification and the indulgence of instinct. So the Patton quotation, though employed in an admittedly elliptical fashion, can be justified.

Oh, who am I kidding. Just shoot me now.


Just remember that every other person you meet graduated in the lower half of their class. Seems like poor Steve was in a correspondence class with himself.


Isn’t Thanatos some evil Marvel villain?


Just a note, the guys have opened up their comments section again. I’m sure everyone will applaud their attitude towards freedom of speech.

(for those not in the know, lgc-colloquium is the blog that LGF’ers use when LGF simply isn’t moronic enough)


So, to summarize Steve’s argument:

1. Corporations hate children, because parents never spend any money, instead saving all they earn to pass down to their children. (Implications: food and housing are free for parents; after you’re dead, your kids will only spend their inheiritance on worthy things, like Thomas Kincade Bibles.)

2. However, corporations love bastards, because bastards spend lots of money. (Implication: Being a bastard pays really well.)

3. So, coporations are working to get decent married people to abort their babies, and to get unmarried slutty people to have lots of bastards. (Implication: Corporations are evil super villains.)

4. Therefore, corporations are our enemies, and we should do to them what George Patton did to the Japanese. It’s the only way to force people to get married and have lots of Catholic babies, and to keep the public from having sinful, non-procreative sex. (Implication: Steve is not just stupid, but also crazy).

BTW, don’t you think Steve would supply Renew America with a more flattering photo of himself if one existed? Hey, that’s as good as it gets! Take a gander at this one, and you’ll see what I mean.


And by “this one,” I meant the photo of just Steve (the one on the top row and the far left). You have to click on it to see a larger version, and to get the full impact.


naw, still a poor third to “Kaye” and the Swankman. No awful mispelling,no inventing words. Steve’s article reminde dme of this classic exchange from “A Fish Called Wanda”

Wanda: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I’ve known sheep who could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?
Otto: Apes don’t read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don’t understand it.


sz, your monitor is inside out. Either that, or your new processor board has been connected back to front.


That was possibly one of the dumbest things I have ever read. Now I have to reread a bunch of intellectual prose to recalibrate my brain.

Is there any possible way we could keep Steve from ever using words again? Could we just give him a bunch of pictures that he could point to is he needed something?


SZ- that was damn scary.


Jeffrey Kramer: I don’t know how (let alone why) you did it, but you came a hair’s breadth away from making sense out of this piece of drivel. Please seek professional help.

Now. Let’s assume that Steve is trying to make some “point” along the lines of sz’s comment, that capitalism loves bastards or some such nonsense. I can understand his slam on the Republicans for supporting the Eeeeevil Greedy Corporations that encourage the bastards to spend money, but his things about Democrats doesn’t make any sense — if they’re handing out condoms, then aren’t they fighting the good fight against bastards? Is birth control an anti-capitalist plot?

Oh wait, I’m trying to make sense of this screed. What was I thinking?


s.z.: Wait, I know who that is — that’s the guy who abducted Whitley Strieber!


Not to be a force for evil or anything, but it looks like he allows comments on his blog.


I think he might be a Ferengi, surgically altered, and exiled here because he couldn’t remember all the Rules of Acquisition, along with thinking about families and children before sacred Profit.

Have a woman go up to him and rub his ears. It’s a physiological response that’s a sure giveaway.



Did Batman toss him into some chemicals or something?


That picture must’ve been taken right after someone promised him a pizza party.


This just really sucks!

I’ve spent 2 weeks without power (thank you Rita). Now, I finally get my Sadly, No! fix and what do I get? Nonsensical crap and drivel from this Steve idiot.



I think I see through Kellmeyer?s fiendish scheme: he?s attempting to have himself declared legally retarded in order to get a parking space closer to Wal-Mart.

This would explain why he?s trying so hard to look like Corky from ?Life Goes On?.


At first, that article didn’t make any damn sense, then I huffed some gas and re-read it. I think I get it now.


I checked the comments. He is defending his argument that you can’t easily separate adults from their money by defining “adult” as someone who is difficult to separate from their money. (bangs heads).


if they’re handing out condoms, then aren’t they fighting the good fight against bastards?

You forget: According to the Wingnut Handbook, people can’t have illict unchristian sex without condoms, but condoms don’t work. Or something like that.


Y yoo sey reedingg steeve maik mee dum?


greatest winger opening line ever!

“Adolescence is a virtue, at least when it comes to the economy. This point is not a new one”

A young economy is a virtue? At least that is what old Adam Smith said. Or something.

Or maybe he is referring to Socrates old maxim – Teens Help the Economy.


Don’t miss all the comments on his blog telling him what a great, thoughtful essay he wrote. :eyeroll:


wow… how does this stuff pass editing? I mean i’ve lissened to homless peopele make more sense talking about how the illuminati joined forces with “the corporations” to take over the wold.



Oww… my… future….


derek j,

what is this “editing” you speak of?


That article was unholy in its sheer and utter inanity.
How in the hell is someone this naturally stupid?!

Fuck, Plan 9 From Outer Space looks like Dostoyevsky compared to this bullshit.

Just check out the comments (and a valient effort by Salvage):

ben said:
Salvage said:
“You are simply trying to present your lifestyle as the correct one…”
Yep, I’d say we ought to try and be more like Steve. But that’s because he is trying to be like Christ.

…by calling for the death of children and Orwellian culture wars. Republican Jesus? would be proud.

It’s OK for my brain to have a literal bloodlust for morons, right?



Holy shit, that guy got hit with a whole dumptruck full of ugly and fell down the dipshit manhole 10 seconds later.
Reading his blog I can just imagine his kids. Little, sheltered, know it all bastards. Wait till they hit their teen years, begin to rebel and realize they have no social skills coupled with a deap seated distrust of everyone and everything not belonging to their little niche.


It’s like he took a year’s worth of conservative columnists’ work — Malkin, Will, Thomas — and ran it through MS Word’s autosummarize feature…. If anyone’s paying him for this, they ought to be checking the opt-out options in his contract.


Steve has achieved absolute stupidity – the point at which brain activity ceases. Until now, this was not thought possible.


OK, I totally understood what he was saying. I know very few parents who have the excess money that my single friends have for extraneous things. Why was that so hard to comprehend? I am guessing that the commentors are not used to reading political philosophy.


I understood Steve’s message clearly. You just didn’t want to make that effort to understand what he is saying. Your group think is like a virus that is spreading exponentially to society’s detriment. All you do is criticize. You don’t even have original ideas to share. All you do is react in your very predictable way.


Ahahaha! This guy has no idea what he’s talking about.


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