Riot Swnnnk
Posted on March 21st, 2009 by Gavin M.
Shorter Pastor Swank:
- Jet off your buff and revolt the ill-equipped Congress brats to rap them with what’s what!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
TheAn unfortunate side-effect of being a Authoritarian mob is that you can’t start The Revolution until the Alpha male starts it. Seeing as how all the conservatardleadersyapping poodles are all squat-to-pee little bitches, they’re gonna be on hold for a long, long time.I mean, would you pledge your life, liberty, and fortune if Glenn Beck was your General?
And yes, I know “bitches” is kinda sexist, but I am going more for the dog angle than the woman angle, plus I’m all stupid and tired, so cut me some slack, huh?
that really should read “GrandSwank”
Every conservative American who knows how to write a letter to the newspaper should write it.
“who knows how to write a letter” – speaks volumes doesn’t it.
“who knows how to write a letter” – speaks volumes doesn’t it.
It’s a bit ambiguous. Does he mean “capable of creating a short statement containing a message” or “tracing a lower-case o”?
when they start typing in purple, it shows they have really gone over the edge.
and ‘jet your butt’ sure has, er, connotations, if you know what I mean….
Why is it that lunatic wingnuts can get away with crimes – incitement to riot in this case – and not receive a visit from the authorities?
Why is it that lunatic wingnuts
Objection, your honor! Counsel is being redundantly repetitive in a repeated manner!
can get away with crimes – incitement to riot in this case – and not receive a visit from the authorities?
In no particular order:
(1) We have only so many agents to investigate Republican chicanery, and between bribe-taking, boy-chasing, and teh bathroom buttsecks, they’ve got enough to do already;
(2) They’ve still got the secretly-recorded phone sex of millions of Americans to audit, thanks to Preznit G(lobal) W(arren)
NookieTerra;(3) I refuse to pay the salary of anyone who (mis)takes La Pasta Swanskta seriously;
(4) It’s only ‘incitement’ if the audience has a chance in hell of getting up off their lard-asses;
(5) IOKIYARaving looney!
Dear Pastor Swank,
Watch this to jet off your buff. Riot!
W.T.F?
Okay, who’s going to phone in this one to the FBI and Secret Service? I did the last one….
Lesley said,
March 21, 2009 at 9:41
that really should read “GrandSwank”
Or perhaps “Grand Swank Railroad?”
Gimme Shelter from this Mean Mistreater
The fact is, jet off your butt!
I think we’re seeing Pastor Master Swankstah’s nascent attempts at twittering. Notice how it’s parsed into chunks.
Watch this to jet off your buff. Riot!
I for one welcome PM Swank’s entry into brevity. It will only serve to concentrate his essence, which the above quote aptly demonstates. Pure poetry.
My buff has been officially jetted off. Of.
I can only jet off my buff while I’m sleeping.
It’s a bit ambiguous.
I first read this as ‘a bit ambitious’, which also works.
Only severe traffic congestion will preserve our liberties.
I prefer his sister, Hillary.
Is that link real? It seems like it must be a parody. Seriously. Plus, Grant’s Wank? Come on.
All of me hurts. How the fuck can I even be a fake troll with this? “…buff” alright really? “It is a mighty history.” because the history of the people who don’t exist anymore totally consisted of sandwiches and naps before Ragnarok.
No, I can totally do this. ” It is a mighty history.” Like the history or herstory of those before…something something total war. Because really…
Welcome mats of wussitude slouch by the entries to our pool halls. Soggy tissues of feebleness clog our mighty national toilet. Merkins of pussification line the walls of our many fine eating establishments.
“Whip the ill-equipped Congress brats to rap them with what’s what. Let them know that you are not tolerating their devilment another minute.”
I’m hearing this as spoken by the Simpsons’ Apu: “Now you ill-equipped Congress brats! I am to rap you with what’s what! I am not tolerating your devilment another minute!”
Can it be coincidence that as this is posted here, World O’ Crap has a review of Zardoz?
I think not.
I mean really. “Jet off your buff”? What could this possibly mean, even in Swankese?
Silly LIEbruls! Conservatives want to incite riots, destruction, death, and outright Civil War II because they LOVE America! You hippies want universal health care because you HATE America. Fucking duh.
Our history gets drunk on Night Train, picks fights with other histories that are twice its size, receives a historical ass-whoopin’, and passes out behind the dumpster.
DC demented power rolls over us with spikes and we permit it. We go on each day, moaning and complaining.
Hey, YOU try getting rolled over with demented DC power spikes and then not moan and complain. That shit hurts!
Also:
It’s time for Americans to go to the streets. What has happened to our conscience? Have we lost the nerve?
See, it wasn’t time to go to the streets like filthy hippies when it was about premeditated preemptive war and killing hundreds of thousands of people and all, but now that we anticipate a marginal tax increase on any income over a quarter of a million dollars a year? It’s “up against the wall motherfuckers!” time, patriots!
Best Swank picture EvAr!
jet off your buff = for Jeff: buy tofu
That graphic is good, but it should be a little less Tim Leary and a little more John Sinclair.
Swank’s headline reminds me of Iggy yelling “Is it time for a riot, girls? RIOT!” on Metallic K. O.
I like tofu. But Toby tofu.
No comment yet on the large purple font? I had to keep scrolling to the top to convince myself that I had not accidentally found myself on TigerBeat.com.
Is he saying that our elected representatives have small peepees?
And yes, I know “bitches” is kinda sexist, but I am going more for the dog angle than the woman angle
I’d believe you if it weren’t for the “squat to pee” line.
Well, it’s obvious that “Jet off your buff” means “Get off your butt”, but whether Pasture Stank suffers from advanced dyslexia, has gone all funky, or has been at the sacramental wine again is not for me to say.
I mean really. “Jet off your buff”? What could this possibly mean, even in Swankese?
It’s a Ted Haggard thing
I kind of think that it means “Cleanse your anus with a copious stream of fresh water.”
“Every conservative American who knows how to write a letter to the newspaper should write it. Then call the talk shows. Then hit the streets.”
Then let’s all go to Applebee’s for that cherry pie a la mode special. Who’s with me?
Whip the ill-equipped Congress brats to rap them with what’s what. Let them know that you are not tolerating their devilment another minute.
Watch this to jet off your buff. Riot!
So basically your “shorter” was considerably less loony than the real thing. Can this be said of any other “shorter” recipient?
And yes, I know “bitches” is kinda sexist, but I am going more for the dog angle than the woman angle
I’d believe you if it weren’t for the “squat to pee” line.
Actually, it still applies to dogs. My male dog stands and lifts one leg; my female dog squats.
Uh-huh … somebody added a jigger of DMT to the communion wafers again, I presume.
Uh, Pastor? Captain Beefheart called – he wants his Dadaism back.
Whoa now. “Americans don’t bow & scrape before crooks in DC” you say? Suuuuuuure they don’t. May we ALL join Swank on Planet Cuckoo, or do we need to make reservations first?
There seems to be another tiny flaw in his cunning plan: one tends to harbor the suspicion that many of the ill-equipped Congress brats are already paying handsomely to be whipped as it is – & that Mistress Ilsa & Her Handmaidens Of Pain won’t take kindly to the unwelcome competition.
Bitter experience has taught me that my buff does not require jetting, off or otherwise.
Our male dogs often squat to pee and our female dog sometimes lifts her leg.
Oddly enough, I don’t find this the least bit disturbing.
You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it’s evolution
Well, you know
Evolution’s just lies sent from Satan himself
But when you watch this to jet off your buff
DC demented power rolls over us with spikes
DC demented power rolls over us with spikes
With Spikes! With Spikes!
Swank’s most recent Renew America column is pretty good too. Not as bonkers as this thing, but it has its moments.
And note how he closes:
He’s made it into a refrain. And Obama’s been in office for just two months.
Buff = butt + duff?
Anyhoo, I love that after 8 years of Bush NOW he’s outraged by “DC demented power.” He’s past due for his two wetsuit-dildo day.
I clicked through to the video link at the bottom of his page. I was terribly disappointed. Not even close to the kind of video I normally watch to “jet off my buff.” Not a single naked llama in it. Where is Smut Clyde? I need a better link than that.
Maybe he’s just telling wingnut America to overdo it on the bean dip?
Oh, and riot. Overdo it on the bean dip, and riot.
When I first saw image with this story I thought it was Glen Beck…
Anyone else see the similarities?…pudgy, soft little faces with beady little eyes!
Watch this to jet off your buff.
???
Where are the boulevards, anyway? I know I put them somewhere.
More than a negligible amount of the blame for the mortgage meltdown can be traced back to multiculturalism: government-mandated affirmative-action lending, demographic change, illegal immigration, and the mind-numbing effects of political correctness.
Ah, bullshit. Every blogger should write weird, incoherent wingnuttobabble that offers multiple targets for mockery.
Buff your jets! Mount the ram’s parts!
Disemvowelment to aisle 3!
Ummm . . . Adam?
It was determined some time ago that the mortgages themselves aren’t the big problem. It’s the hyper-leveraged bets (Credit Default Swaps) that were made (and then bought and sold and used as collateral themselves for even further leveraged betting) on the potential future cash flows of the Mix-Mastered mortgages (and credit card debt and a bunch of other stuff) that are the problem.
Try to keep up, eh?
Exhibit A: A Freeper buffing his jets with the American flag…
He’s got a firm, tight grip on that flagpole.
“Where are the boulevards clogged with clamoring citizens…”
Where aren’t the streets strewn with stalwarts stomping with stones to strike at the stupid liberal stoolies standing in the way of…something….this is exhausting.
…you didn’t say “athwart”
My male dog stands and lifts one leg; my female dog squats.
Our female dog squats and lifts one leg. At least she has the sense to look embarrassed while doing it.
Pastor Swank is in full Zero Wing mode here.
You know what you doing
Jet off every butt
For great justice.
Pastor Swank goes over the top in crowded purple exhortations:
Damn, I know everyone has moved on, but how convenient for Pastor Swank is it that bloggers are excused from toppling? But here’s the thing. What if every citizen has a blog? Are there any citizens left to topple the socialists? I fear not.
Where are the boulevards clogged with clamoring citizens…
Ils sont en France.
SATSQ.
I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon, ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung. The glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Swank has fancy plans, and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate, round and yummy, like a cute, small baby chick, would defeat the donkey.
Bad clown making like super American car racers, I would make them sweat. War! War! Feel my skills! Donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey!
I sure wish that Grant’s Wank would jet off his buff to our town. We just found out that the erstwhile village idiot has signed up for classes at the local community college, so the position is open.
That graphic is terribly awesome. It’s perfect. Like he’s talking to me in soothing tones, telling me, “And now, I’m going to BLOW. YOUR. MIND.”
Someone has been jetting off their buff on the computer screen. It’s not nice and, frankly, it’s insanitary. Plus everything went purple.
Not good, people!!